The last few months have made me wonder about my life, what really happens, and where I'm going. Part of the time I find myself inspired and lifted by hope - convinced that everything will work out in the near future and optimistic through the rough points of my experience. Other days, I find that optimism wanting, and, when people ask how I'm doing or I take a break from the stress of everyday, I honestly look at my life and realize that it is not ideal. Nowhere near ideal. I have so many unsolved problems that I wonder if I will ever make enough headway to be a profitable servant in the Lord's kingdom, and at least a hundred reasons for why I haven't found the right girl become self-apparent.
I think this juxtaposition - the optimism and forward-acting nature of hope and faith, versus the fatalism and frustration of my interpretation of reality - is a big source of my difficulties in life. If I were blissfully unaware of the happiness that family life and better relationships entail, perhaps I wouldn't think about my own state as much. But at the same time, perhaps that same bliss would deaden the sense of urgency to move closer to Christ and become a better person with each passing day. Hence the positive and negative... and the power of having both.
Looking at my own life, much of the good I have accomplished has been due to the balancing of these two forces, and ultimately learning to submit to faith. My commitment to help others came out of it, as did many of the habits I learned as a missionary and serving in the Church. So did my love of people, writing this blog, and a hundred other things in my life - all held in place because of two very real truths - through living the gospel I can find peace and hope, and my life is sometimes not peaceful or hopeful. Which means that with each passing day, I strive to find ways to better live by the principles that I believe.
This trial - life - seems so incredibly perfect sometimes. Hard enough to make you cry and want to give up, yet just bearable enough to allow you the strength to turn to God, find faith, and thrive. If I had designed my life, I don't think I would have chosen the facets I've seen in a thousand years... and yet the task at hand matches me so perfectly. Am I willin to put everything - everything on the altar of sacrifice? Am I willing to live my life according to the tenets that God has revealed, even when they seem disordinately different from my own experience? And can I develop the faith I need to live, thrive, and find happiness in a dichotomous environment? I guess time, and the decisions I make, will tell whether my hopes influence and guide my reality, or the other way around.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
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Tuesday, January 17
6 comments:
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This is very profound stuff. And the altar of sacrifice seems to be one of the recurring motifs of my thoughts lately. In fact I've written several of my own recent posts on the subject, most recently:
ReplyDeletehttp://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2012/01/souvenirs-from-hell-and-altar-of.html
But hang in there. From what I know of you from your blog, you are much more likely to let your hopes guide your reality than vice versa.
Thanks as always for inspiring me.
My best,
Obadiah
you are amazing, and inspiring. Your honesty with yourself and your situation are something I wish all members of the church were able to face. I feel like many of us too often blinding follow without really trying to understand what they follow. I appreciate your efforts to not only understand, but faithfully follow, even when reality seems so muddled.
ReplyDeletethank you
-heather
Well written. I appreciate your faith.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog, you fascinate me. Cant wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteI love reading this blog. Its like your sitting in my own head. A much more positive version of what I've been thinking most of the time. While my challenge is different than yours, I still struggle and over think it and etc...
ReplyDeleteThank you for the wonderful, supportive and positive blog that you provide. It speaks to the challenges we all face, because, no matter what we are facing, its clear that we are often all thinking the same things about ourselves.
My Bishop spoke in church recently about hope. As a single mom who would very much like to be married again (but not so much that I am willing to compromise my life for the wrong guy), his words stuck with me. He said that hope is one of the least understood principles and explained it as this: "Hope is knowing that Heavenly Father keeps his promises and looking forward to the day that He does."
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