But today something happened that I need to record, and at least some of you will want to know.
I made the decision to merge my worlds.
It's been on my mind for a while. The possibility has, at least. But it was never really an option because my anonymity was God-defined. The Lord told me to protect my anonymity at all costs... so only He could rescind that instruction - or especially tell me to do the opposite.
It struck a chord when Quintin L Cook spoke a few months ago about being real, but I realized that his comments were to safeguard morality - not to demoralize those who live dual righteous lives. It has come as a thought a dozen, a thousand times, as I've thought about it perhaps being easier to live one life than to have a busy reality alongside an unknown, yet still busy alter-ego named Mormon Guy.
But none of those are the reasons why. The last few weeks I've slowly realized that, as Mormon Guy, I can do good in the anonymous space of (G)MG... but as myself, I, perhaps, could do a little more. Merging my worlds is the next step in finding ways to make the world a better place.
There are a thousand reasons not to. It could destroy what little exists of my social life. Turn away people close to me. Mar me professionally. Make it close to impossible to get a date. Put my family into a moral bind as they work through finding the hand of the Lord for themselves - they fiercely love me, and I'm pretty sure the shock would turn into frustration and a sense of injustice. Shower me with real live hate mail. Immerse my family in a contentious discussion they've never imagined. Inject me into the midst of contention. Make it harder for people - in real life and online - to forgive my faults, and easier to see them. And potentially make any experience with guys loaded and frustrating. (Part of me wants to punch any guy who asks me if I'm attracted to them in the gut.)
But even though it's terrifying, the potential of reaching one more person - helping one more person not commit suicide - physical or spiritual - would make all the pain worth it.
So today I made the decision and turned to the Heavens for confirmation. And, for the first time, I felt peace.
I'm not going to call it coming out, because, for me, that statement carries deep connotations that I don't want associated with my life. I'm not asking my family or friends to be more understanding of who I am. This may be much harder on them than on me. I'm not trying to make a statement to the world or get out of the stress of dating or whatever. I'm simply opening the door of my life both ways... and I have faith that it will allow me to be a greater influence for good.
It's not going to happen today. Or tomorrow. I have to tell my family, and that's going to take some time. Thankfully, I already know how I'm going to do it - I'll just tell them about this blog, give them a few specific posts to read (or verbally explain the concepts), and then answer whatever questions they have. Then I need to tell the other people in my life. But someday, at least according to the plan, I'll merge my worlds entirely. And then everyone will be able to see the hand of God in the aspects of my life.
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In the meantime, do any of you have any good ideas (that's vague - these can be just random ideas that have no testing, or anecdotal advice, though references to scripture or talks would be great) of how to tell people in the second group - those who aren't close friends, but are still involved in my life? I have the blog to use as context, but I've had some really bad experiences in the past with fallout. How would you want to know?
I doubt I'll be any help because there are those who are uncomfortable with such revelations, but I just want you to know that it would make absolutely no difference to me. You are the same person with a real name as the person with an anonymous blog. I greatly respect and admire what you have done and what you are contemplating, and I wish you all the love and understanding you need as you wade through these new waters.
ReplyDeleteI was so happy when I read the title of this post... hoping it meant what I initally assumed it meant! I must say that although I have no idea who you are, will never meet the person behind (G)MG... I am so happy that you have made the decision to merge your worlds. I have never walked in your shoes and can NEVER begin to understand what you have gone through, the struggles you have had to face and the war you have been fighting... I wish I could jump through this screen to give you a HUGE hug and reassure you that everything is GOING TO BE OKAY... I know this is not going to be easy on you. The strength and bravery you have to take such a HUGE and might I add in my opinion, LIFE CHANGING STEP is admirable and I believe that in doing this, you most definitely will help others who are and have gone through the same journey as you. And most importantly, you are helping yourself in doing this. I believe the freedom you will feel from this, the reassurance from your family (yes it will be hard for them to understand and not an easy concept to grasp, but they will come around I am sure)that no matter who you are, they love you unconditionally. That is what family is all about. I hope to one day learn your name so that I can keep you in my prayers and no longer call you GMG. In the words of Bob Marley, "Every little thing is gonna be alright".
ReplyDeleteOneLove: This doesn't feel like a huge step in my life. And definitely not one worthy of all caps. In my mind it doesn't really change anything... and if I weren't actively involved in trying to help others, I would never do it. The question now is the response of others - people in my life who haven't yet come to the understand I have - and so it's probably a bigger change in their life than in mine.
DeleteOh... I assumed that it would be seeing as you have kept it a secret up until whenever it is that you let others know. I was so excited reading your post and assumed that this was something big in your life. Guess I was mistaken.
DeleteSorry if my reply was harsh or direct. I'm just trying to figure out how to communicate that this doesn't change anything in my life... this is obviously not a subject I'm super familiar with, nor one that there are really guidelines to follows. So thanks for being patient with me.
DeleteWhen my cousin told me I remember crying that he had carried this alone not realizing that I loved him no matter what. I always thought it, but was not comfortable asking. In our relationship it made no difference.
ReplyDeleteFrom watching and being there as my cousin went through it prepare yourself for those that don't handle it. That don't say what you wish they would. For those that care more for themself and how they feel then about you.
Thanks, Renegades. I think that maybe on that level I have an advantage compared to some of the people I've met. It seems like, for many people, sharing their trials is a request for understanding from their friends and family members. That really isn't my goal, and I'm not concerned about it. Even if my entire family and all my acquaintances turned against me (and I'm pretty sure that would never happen), I'd be okay. So having some of them do it won't be an issue.
DeleteMy concern is how this knowledge impacts people's testimonies. I've seen people leave the Church shortly after a family member came out, and I'd rather not have anything like that happen. I just need to figure out how to share it with them so that, if they do have a moral crisis, they have as many of the tools possible to work it through.
I think it is all in the context of the telling. One of my best friends spoke about his struggles and his conflicted feelings as his marriage was ending as a frame about his decision to be honest about who he was. The context made it easier for people to understand that this was not a coming out party but a long thought out process about who he is and where he was headed. He did not have support from his family initially so we his friends were his family and I think that made a difference when his family was finally able to reconcile their feelings about him - he knew he had backup. His life is not perfect - whose is? But I think that it is better than he thought 12 years later.
ReplyDeleteI have never walked in your shoes, nor do I think I will fully understand the path you are taking and will walk for the rest of your days. I can say though that I wish you much success in doing what you planning to do. It won't be easy, you may lose family, but you will never lose faith. There will be a woman who can stand by you and your struggles waiting for you out there. I am a firm believer that everyone has someone that will love them no matter what. To be blunt this part of your life is gonna be hard. I've had friends "leave the closet" to their families and its been very difficult for them. But surround yourself with support and love and you will make it through this trial.
ReplyDeleteI think your decision is a bit hard for most people to understand, because your reasons for merging your worlds is not typical. A typical "coming out" is when a person who has had two competing sets of desires finally has one set of desires trump the other, and doesn't want to keep up the fascade of the other set of desires, and so tells everyone they are gay. Often this involves breaking off some relationships, maybe a divorce, and some people will likely feel betrayed for a while before they get over it. That's why I agree that "coming out" is not what you are doing. You are simply introducing one of your social worlds to another, and you are worried that there might be some friction, or adverse reactions. But you know that there may be people in one of those worlds who could be helped by knowing of your other world. So it's valuable to bring those worlds together.
ReplyDeleteIt would take a lot of courage for me to do that. I have too much fear of being judged due to a misunderstanding. I hope everything goes well and smoothly.
I like that... and I think that you got it right. This isn't a change in who I am or even how I want people to see me - just connecting two worlds that, except for context, are largely the same. There are things that I share in real life that I wish I could share here, and vice versa.
DeleteAnd my concern is far more about how people will respond to a redefinition of their mental schema on same-gender attraction than on how they will respond to me.
I think as long as you do it with the right spirit, if they choose to react negatively it's their fault. Share with them the Church's stance (mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction) and pray that they will be open-minded. Let them know your goals for the future and reassure them that you're the same person, the only difference is that now they know this other side of you.
ReplyDeleteAs for specific ideas, I'm not really sure the best way of going about telling the rest of the people in your life. I have a friend who recently "came out" who we had kind of always wondered about, but never bothered asking. I ended up stumbling upon his "coming out post" and it just made me extremely happy that he still knows God loves him, and that he is so happy with his life in spite of the challenges he is facing. I feel like if they're not happy for your continued commitment to the Gospel and just get caught up in the implications that knowing about both sides of you brings, they just need to change their mindset. Do all you can to make sure they understand what you're going through and what that means, but ultimately it's their decision to overreact or not.
I think it's a great thing that you're deciding to combine your two worlds. Best of luck. (:
Best wishes - it was a scary experience for me, but one that I do not regret and has been rewarding. I came out in four phases.
ReplyDeletePhase I was talking with around 30 people, my closest family and friends. I was shocked that I did not lose a single person, but I will say their acceptance has been fluid. Some who had a harder time accepting it at first are now more accepting while it has gone the other way with a few other people.
Phase II was writing a short post that they could read afterwards. Some of those 30 conversations were short because the people weren't quite sure how to react. I wanted them to have something they could refer back to and then follow up with me if that was their desire. That post is titled "Living a B Flat Life in a Middle C World" and is on my blog.
http://www.deanscottwritingandphotography.com/living-a-b-flat-life-in-a-middle-c-world/
Phase III is the one that may help with your question. It is a post I did on Facebook for an extended group of around 150 acquaintances. I did not plan to come out to them, but I had worked behind the scenes on a lot of the Mormon Pride Parade groups and felt prompted to come out to that group because of the positive things I had seen from the parades. I posted that to my blog under the title of "Coming Out to High School Friends and Others."
http://www.deanscottwritingandphotography.com/?s=Living+a+B+Flat+Life
I lost 8 Facebook friends, but 6 of those late re-friended me and I picked up around 10 new friends.
Phase IV is what I am doing now. I am coming out to some people who were not in the above groups, mostly ones who I see every now and then but who are not on Facebook.
So would you have done the same thing if you had, say, 500 close family members/friends who would want to be told individually... and what feels like thousands of acquaintances?
DeleteI don't think I could have spoken with 500 people. At this point I've spoken with around 60, the other 30 coming from people in phases 2 through 4 who wanted to talk or correspond directly.
DeleteI have kept my Facebook page mostly "gay free" and put my gay thoughts on my blog. I don't want to turn the Facebook page into a debate forum. I have done a lot of Facebook messaging, though.
One of the most gratifying message series involved three friends from high school. I have a reunion next year. They were afraid I might back out of attending and went out of their way to let me know that I was welcomed and loved. I appreciated it since one of them covers religion for the Deseret News.
Wow, I'm a little nervous to comment after reading one of your responses. Please know that I take time to share these thoughts because I really do want to help. For me, to have it naturally come up in private conversation would be most comfortable/least uncomfortable. As in, a conversation about struggles or trials. To be led by the Spirit is always best, but I know you know that. I don't think it necessarily needs to be an "announcement" -- that does sound like coming out -- but rather, a sharing of feelings in a connected way, when the time just feels right. Maybe it will take months to get to everyone in this way. I think it is best to share it face-to-face, one-on-one. We all have our own unique struggles, and derive strength from heartfelt conversations about them with people who love us. Your true friends will continue to love you and likely start to remember you specifically in prayers and the added strength will surely be a great blessing in your life. I wish you the very best.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle.
DeleteBeen stalking for awhile but have never commented. Why I feel compelled to now, I have no idea. Maybe because I am surrounded by gay friends and family who struggle with and without the gospel in their lives.
ReplyDeleteWhen my nephew finally shared his truth and reality (I don't care for the term "coming out"), it was almost a relief for ALL of us that are close to him. We all suspected at some level his struggle but never said anything to him or to each other. Why? In retrospect, I have no idea why we felt like we couldn't talk about it or why we danced around it. Once we started to talk openly, it was amazing how close our family became. We were close before, but we are like puppies in a litter now and close isn't even a good adjective to describe our relationship. My nephew has chosen to leave the gospel out of his life and subscribes to a different lifestyle than what his parents had hoped for, HOWEVER, it hasn't changed the love, the acceptance and the hope of happiness for him. He is one with a positive response with his being "real" - for so many others, the reaction is far less happy. You cannot control how others will feel. And you wouldn't want to since they denies them the free agency we fought so hard for in the pre-existence. You will only be able to control what YOU do, and how YOU counter-react. If I could offer any advice it would simply be LOVE. Love love and then some more love. Love for those that accept you and love for those that will not and instead struggle. You are only held accountable for you, so your behavior is the only thing you need to worry about.
I suspect, you may be surprised at how much love and acceptance you will receive. I also believe you will now be in the position to do MUCH GOOD. There are thousands of active LatterDay Saints who struggle with SSA and how they fit and relate to the gospel. You will now be in a position to love those who are struggling to see that they don't have to leave the gospel because of this. Perhaps if more who dealt with this, came forward publicly, there would be "more of a place" for the rest. Does that make sense? More of a support system. Not that principles of the gospel will change - they will not. Doctrine is doctrine. But, perhaps they will feel unity in their struggles and instead of feeling alienated from the church, they find that there is indeed a very important place for them.
Anyway, that was my very long winded two cents for what it's worth (not even two cents : )....) Good luck and I will be watching anxiously to see how things turn out.
Just know you have many others like me who have never been in your shoes, can't even pretend to understand how you feel, but love you anyway
Hmm...
ReplyDeleteThis sentiment that comes up multiple times in your post and responses to comments, gives me pause:
"And my concern is far more about how people will respond to a redefinition of their mental schema on same-gender attraction than on how they will respond to me."
Why are you accountable for the quality or appropriateness of others' "mental schema?" You experience same-sex attraction regardless of whether other people know about it. You seem to be implying at least the possibility that people's "mental schema" are better served by keeping truth at least somewhat obscured from them.
Not exactly, Trev. I feel like the context and presentation method of information may have a significant influence on how that information is incorporated into mental maps - obviously, the lack of communication affects that as well, but since I'm planning to completely merge worlds, that's just a question of time.
DeleteMy question at hand is more about how different methods of communication, timing, context, etc might influence people and their thoughts than about whether or not to tell someone.
Do you have fears about it being more difficult to stay true to your church as you think about coming out to people?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely not. My conviction for the gospel, is the reason I'm telling others - so that I can merge both of my worlds of faith... and because I feel like it's the right thing to do. I can't imagine a scenario where telling people would make it harder to be true to the Church.
DeleteI know the doctrine of the Church and understand the flaws in its culture... so no one is going to be able to convince me, no matter how deeply ingrained their own beliefs, that there isn't a place in the Church for me. And I have the support of past leaders.
I'm far more concerned about potential backlash from people outside of the Church. The only really awful mail I've ever gotten was from people who didn't agree with my beliefs.
Gotcha. I ask only because that's a rampant fear among a lot of gay Mormons -- that coming out makes you gay gay gay and once you're out it's only two steps to becoming a go-go dancer at a gay bar.
DeleteI'm curious about the backlash from people outside of the church. I know I tend to lash out from time to time, but only because I feel that in sharing your beliefs you have to poke at my beliefs, so I'm typically coming from a place of defense. Is it possible that something about your presentation causes people to go on the defensive?
I think there are a few issues at hand. My simple existence - as a faithful, chaste, single, happy Mormon with same-sex attraction shatters a whole set of predetermined worldviews in people who think that those characteristics are exclusive. Next, there's the issue that not only do I exist, I'm vocal about it. I ardently teach the tenets of the gospel that I have found bring me happiness, and that's problematic for people who believe those same tenets bring sorrow. And finally there's the issue of presentation itself, whether personal fault or interpreted as such. Like people who take issue with the fact that I keep (G)MG as a positive source of gospel-inspired support as opposed to a declarative open forum.
DeleteBut I have definitely seen the defensive stance. If I were constantly surrounded with faithful members of the Church, then it would be limited. But that's really not possible.
Okay, I see where you're coming from. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
DeleteTo me it should be more of a very personal, one-on-one conversation about the Atonement, and then the different trials each of you has in your lives. But I don't think you can "plan" a conversation like the one you are asking for advice on. For people you feel need to hear face-to-face, your idea about just sharing your blog address should do the trick. For everyone else... when the time comes to share, you can.
ReplyDeleteI have never dealt with this particular trial, but to me, the "announcement" for lack of a better word, seems a tiny bit like how I wanted to tell people that I am pregnant. I told immediate family outright through phone calls, and then everyone else it was more like if it came up in conversation, I'd share. Some strangers knew before all of my facebook friends knew, just because of the timing and the fact that, with pregnancy, there are some things that need to be addresses. My boss at work had to know as soon as I found out, because I lift boxes, and I needed lighter duties.
So, tell those who it would help to know, be it helping them or helping you. Then, as you talk to people throughout the day (week, month, etc), if the subject comes up in a comfortable way, go ahead! But don't try to plan it, because then it won't seem as personal to either of you.
I truly marvel at your bravery. Truly, I find your decision inspiring. I have a million thoughts on the subject of "merging worlds" as someone who is in a similar situation to you. The merging of my worlds has been something I have been terrified about for years, but it is an idea I have been toying with for the past few months as well. There truly is power in being open about your trials, as scary as it seems from this side of the aisle. Fingers crossed your conversations go well.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice, since my only friends who have struggled with SSA have left the Gospel (at least for now).
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I have been reading somewhat regularly for some time now (since your post in response to President Packer's conference talk a while back) and you are one of my heroes. You are a wonderful light to many who struggle with deep personal challenges of many kinds, and a good example of the tremendous insight and spiritual strength we can receive, and spread to others, through diligent obedience in spite of those struggles. Good luck in your efforts to merge your lives.
I find it interesting that you say your "only friends who have struggled with SSA have left the Gospel (at least for now)." I would be willing to bet that you have more friends who are gay-oriented who have not decided to leave the gospel, but also don't make their orientation known. It seems people only "come out" when they want to leave the church. I think that's why (G)MG doesn't really consider this a coming out. He's not trying to change himself or even change other's views of him. Rather, he's just bridging a divide in his social world.
DeleteI recently merged my two worlds as well. For me, it was also something that I had been thinking about doing - for a few years actually. Finally, I had an impression to move forward with it. My family and a few close friends already knew. But for most of the people in my life, I was closed off to, at least with this part of me. So when this impression came, I simply responded in the way I felt would reach the most people in the shortest amount of time, and let the consequences be what they may. I blogged about it, then posted that blog entry on my facebook page.
ReplyDeleteI am still amazed at what that did for me. I felt more free and honest and true to myself than I ever have before. It was like a double coming out for me - I'm gay. I'm Mormon. Though I've never hidden my Mormon beliefs, I haven't always been open about them either. Now both of the most important parts of my life were out there. I received a lot of support, encouragement, love and acceptance both on my fb and on my blog. It was healing in a way I didn't know I needed.
(G)MG, a week ago, I "came out" (I don't like that term either, but it makes it easier for me). I did a blog post about my SSA, about my identity as a son of God, and about the Atonement. My story should in no way influence you one way or the other; In fact, please disregard everything that has been said on this comment wall about whether you should or shouldn't become public. Before I became public, I had many well meaning people trying to give me caution or advice about it. However, in the end, it was between me and God. I felt that God had/has a work for me to do in the LDS SSA community and I decided to take a leap of faith. It was the scariest day of my life, but I've seen so much support from my loved ones since then. Good luck and pray hard! :)
ReplyDelete--Spencer