Whatever the reason, right now I'm feeling an interesting type of loneliness. The interesting side is that I can't really think of anyone I want to talk to. Or what would fix the feeling.
Is that a sort of strange introversion? Where I feel the need to be close to people, yet don't really want them close? Am I just a horrible person for somehow judging all the people who do want to be close to me... and not wanting to reach out to them when I need help? What is happening?
After thinking about it a bit more, I'm realizing that it's probably not just a bout of loneliness. My unplanned experiment this morning to see if eating excess carbs has an effect on my mood... looks like it will have another data point. This is probably depression of some sort.
That is so interesting.
I want to understand what is happening inside my brain.
But is it really? I feel like sometimes that could just be a cop-out. Sometimes depression covers real issues and problems... and the reality is that even with people who are trying to get close to me, I find it so hard to relate. So hard to stay connected. And so easy to just disappear and start over again.
I'm grateful for the people who do try to stay involved in my life... even with the chaos and stress that surrounds me. For a family that loves me even when I can't feel it. For people who consider me a friend even when I can't respond in kind. Hopefully, someday, I can feel the love you have for me... and find ways to return it as well.
In the meantime... yeah. At least it's making me think about life, right? And this is a minor sign that I should probably stick to my zero-carb diet.
I'm so sorry you're sad and lonely. I know there will be better days in your future. :)
ReplyDeleteDave, I've read in earlier posts of yours that you work out regularly. Is cutting carbs really safe if you exercise regularly? I've been working out lately and can't imagine not putting carbs in my body. Protein for recovery post-workout, but I need carbs just to do the work in the first place. Carbs=energy, right?
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought of getting a personal trainer if you can afford one? It's a way of working closely with someone who's "looking out after you" and wants the best for your physical shape and could be a sort of "roundabout" way of connecting socially one on one with someone regularly, in a structured environment that is not so dependent on social-emotional investments like your regular life.
Does exercise/working out, in and of itself, do anything for you moodwise? (Maybe eating carbs before working out but avoiding them at all other times would help?)
I know that feeling well - I seem to be having it a lot lately, actually. And I can't say it's because of carbs, because sometimes I feel great when I'm eating carbs (okay...I eat them all the time). I've decided it's more of a season change thing...I dunno. Could be wrong.
ReplyDeleteUmm, I'm taking a nutrition course, and eliminating carbs is actually extremely unhealthy. The important thing is to eat a balanced diet, with each of the macronutrients: carbohydrates, protein, and healthy (UNsaturated) fats, and to have a variety of vegetables so as to get the many necessary nutrients.
ReplyDeleteP.S. the Nutrition Course I'm taking is more than what most General Practitioners were required to take.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Rivka. Eliminating carbs is not part of a balances healthy diet. In my case, it's part of an extreme dietary protocol that happens to be the only thing that keeps my bipolar mood swings in check through dramatically altering the chemistry of my brain. I would not recommend it to anyone who did not suffer from major mental issues (specifically incurable epilepsy or major bipolar)... and even then I wouldn't suggest it. I plan to put in the two years, then hopefully leave it (and at least a major portion of the brain disorder) behind.
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