So I did it. I talked with a priesthood leader today about being attracted to guys, in real life. It's the first person in my life (outside of the blogging world) I've told. And, depending on future situations, it may also be the last.
The conversation was focused on reaching out to others who are struggling like me. I had a ton of time on my hands when I first began this blog and other missionary endeavors, and as life has become more complicated, I've realized that I lack the publicity and time to really make a big difference in the Mormon community of men and women like me. I physically don't have the time to contact everyone, or chat with everyone, or arrange to meet everyone that I want to check up on. And my divine requests for super powers were denied. So the Lord inspired me to do the next best thing - ask a priesthood leader for advice. Most of our conversation was just communicating... sort of so that he would be better able to understand the things we're going through. But once at the beginning and twice at the end he gave me advice I thought I would share here.
1: Don't fall. Into gay pornography, masturbation, sexual relationships with other men, or anything like it. If I'm trying to lift others (which is pretty accurate), falling can have catastrophic consequences.
2: Beware of becoming a "leader" in a non-Church-sponsored organization. This is actually pretty cogent advice, as I've been reading the war chapters of the Book of Mormon. I've been contemplating ways to make a bigger difference in the world, and one of the thoughts on my list was organizing an army. And so the advice definitely applied. My hope now is that I can do whatever is necessary to help further the cause through established (and future) channels of the Church... instead of being a visible (albeit anonymous) champion.
3: When you don't have enough time to reach everyone, have faith that God is doing His part. This was the hardest one. I went, almost hoping that he would tell me a way to reach people, be there for them, and enable them to become better Saints and better men. I wanted to know how I could do everything, for everyone. And the realization that I can't still makes me want to cry. Every night I pray for you - that God will give you strength, that God will help you to learn to be happy, that He will help you feel His love. And every day I try to be the best person I can be. His advice: when you are doing your absolute best to help others, have faith. Know that God is actively involved in the world. Align your will with His, and you will be an instrument in accomplishing His work.
And so I'll continue to stay away from enticing advertisements, questionable emails, and random websurfing. I'll put my recruiting hat off to the side for a bit. And, tonight when I pray, I'll ask Him to bless my family, my friends, and my brothers' (your) lives... even when I'm not there in real life.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
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Wednesday, September 15
5 comments:
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I hope you continue having strength. The fact that you brought your concerns to a priesthood leader shows you are willing to take the bull by the horns.
ReplyDeleteBLB: Yeah. Either that, or the Lord put me up to it. At first I had no idea why I was going to meet with him, what he would think, or what would come of our meeting. I only knew that I trusted him... and that God had told me I needed to share my story. We'll see what happens.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting. Welcome to (Gay) Mormon Guy.
Interesting. I recently talked to my bishop too. He told me that Elder Oaks spoke to the regional Stake Presidents and Bishops and spent 30 minutes on the topic of SGA. He said in every stake and in every ward there are people struggling. He said said I'm not along in my ward. That his own son struggles. I'm glad I have a bishop who has personal experiences with it as well.
ReplyDeleteLauren: I'm glad you spoke with your bishop, and I'm glad that he had the ability to relate. Finding someone who can understand the pain - the loneliness and isolation - has always helped me to move forward. And I agree with what Elder Oaks said (obviously). There really are people all over the world who struggle as we do - men and women who simply want to live fulfilled, righteous lives and be happy.
ReplyDeleteI know this post was written a while ago, but I wanted to comment and tell you that I know your feelings. I have been reading this blog for a couple of hours now. I feel like I could have written every post here. I am so glad that I have found someone that knows exactly what I have been dealing with. It is great to find a place that can help me move forward. Also, I have found that as I have talked to my bishops over the years, they have been understanding. Some have been better than others, but all will seek to help. I also decided to talk to my family. I sent all members of my family a letter written specifically for them. They all called and talked to me. They all gave me encouragement. It was the most liberating moment of my life. Keep spreading this message, you are making a difference.
ReplyDelete