Writing an (ostensibly) anonymous blog takes more thought and original effort than I had originally imagined. I can't quote myself if anyone else has heard the quote. My signature themes and ideas have to twist and reform themselves into new patterns And when I have an amazing spiritual experience, I have to decide whether to share it here, or with the rest of the world.
The duality has a couple motivations. The first is for the people in the rest of my life. My family, friends, and long-lost acquaintances have enough of their own problems without having to vicariously experience mine. Maybe that's selfish... and I should share my problems to help my loved ones understand the perspective I've gained. But while people who understand the gospel well might be able to understand that I'm not cursed or carrying stains of a sin in the premortal life (think of the man born blind...), it took me years to realize that being attracted to guys wasn't a curse from God. I don't want to jeopardize their progression... and I don't think it's necessary right now.
The second motivation is completely about me. People think that I'm a knight in shining armor and I try to live up to that expectation. They want me to learn the quickest, run the fastest, and speak words that are consistently inspired. They want me to be proof that it's possible - possible to live an amazing life, receive blessings from the Lord, and be truly happy in a fallen world. In my mind, I think that I am proof of that. And I thrive on the attention, the love, and the support that they give with those expectations. So I let people believe that I'm perfect... then they expect it of me and I can count on them to help me make it happen.
Who knows. Someday everyone will know about every aspect of my life... whether in this life or the next, when all our actions will be shouted from the housetops, and the books will be opened and the deeds of men read aloud in the ears of all men. In the meantime, I'll be content with living in double. Not telling a half- or partial-truth, or living two half-lives that both lack meaning... but one complete life with two stories, in tandem, honest and upright in each. My writing style is probably unique enough that, if you really wanted to, you could find out a lot more about me. Or maybe I've told you. In some ways, I guess I already have.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
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Thursday, September 9
1 comment:
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Regarding the: "People think that I'm a knight in shining armor and I try to live up to that expectation." paragraph:
ReplyDeleteAround 10-12 years ago I was in a student ward with a guy whom I admired very much. He was the EQ President, and very talented in music, sports, and other areas. I admired him, and we were friends. We even went out on a date once.
Two or three years later, I learned that he was attracted to men. Knowing that didn't cause me to lose my admiration for him at all. In fact, it explained a lot for me, and I found that I admired him all the more. I still do.
I share this, not in an attempt to tell you how to live your life, but just to give you a perspective that might be helpful.
Thank you for this blog. It's a ray of sunny hope in a sky that can frequently be dark and murky.