A few comments have drawn my attention to the fact that some of my posts have bemoaned the rejection, betrayal, feeling ignored and misunderstood and everything else that happens in my life. And the comments are pretty accurate - I mean, looking at the facet of my life that appears here on (Gay) Mormon Guy, the last two months have been pretty rough. But I hope that in each of the posts it's obvious that, while my life may be incredibly painful in one aspect, in most aspects my life is awesome. I guess it really isn't as obvious as I thought, so I'll just post about it today.
My life is awesome because I can really love people - guys and girls - as children of God.
My life is awesome because God hears and answers my prayers... not only the spoken prayers at my bedside, but the unspoken prayers of my soul and the prayers I should have prayed. He knows my needs and stands at my side through joy and pain.
My life is awesome because my family really, honestly, loves me and accepts me when I feel totally ignored and alone. They are always there for me, and I love their constant support. A comment someone made today in conversation, "Mormon Guy, the last girl you dated was really nice... Come to think of it, all your girlfriends are really nice." Now if I really had a girlfriend... or someone I could be attracted to.
My life is awesome because I love my ward, my Church, and my faith. My ward is really antisocial compared to others that I've been in, but I'm trying to change that... A conversation here, an activity idea there, suggesting ideas to bishopric and stake presidency members... And trying to help ward members see the importance of building social bonds with members of the ward. Sometimes it feels like we are fighting an uphill battle... And then sometimes it feels like we're family. Today we laughed and talked for hours in small groups, just spending time with one another.
My life is awesome because some of my major personal projects (way too specific to actually mention on an anonymous blog) are finally panning out. I've taken time over the last few months to make a concerted effort, and I'm seeing amazing results.
My life is awesome because I feel awesome. Almost dying has given me a new perspective on life without pain. It is amazing - and the days when I'm somehow able to fulfill my emotional and social needs, I'm on cloud 9. On those days, life is beyond awesome.
My life is awesome because I feel like I am relying more on the Lord for my needs. I don't feel hurt when a bishopric member mentions, in the course of a 5th-Sunday chastity discourse, the importance of "getting the right help" for people with same-sex attraction. I sincerely believe that "the right help" comes from everyday people - guys and girls - who are willing to develop honest emotional intimacy with guys like me - without worrying about stereotypes or whatever. But I'll be okay, and as long as I'm trying to openly love people around me, hopefully I can help them even when I don't know their problems. Statistically, there are probably a handful of guys and maybe a girl or two in my ward who could be reading this blog. I don't know your problems. But know that I love you either way.
And my life is awesome because I am learning tons. From talking with the Lord, piecing together botched relationships, following imperfect leaders, listening to newfound friends, opening my heart to pain and love, and trusting in the Lord in all things.
So yeah. My life is awesome. God designed it - pain and anguish and blessings and trials - uniquely and specifically for me. It is His greatest gift to me - the ideal conditions to help me become perfected in Christ and return to Him. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
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Sunday, January 30
2 comments:
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I love your last paragraph. Thank you for wording it so clearly and simply (especially the penultimate sentence) so that the Holy Ghost can testify of its truthfulness! I appreciate it and it's helping me learn.
ReplyDeleteYour beliefs about love are really right on...I mean, based on what I've been learning myself through painful adversity and divine tuition. You're talking about REAL love, I mean. Not just the semi selfish and destructive game I used to think was love or what anyone might say it is casually or on the radio.
ReplyDeleteI'm just discovering this love-based worldview in its full form, and like, it's really healing to me...but not enough people have it! Just saying. Good for you. Keep communicating like this, and keep building emotionally honest intimate relationships with those around you. It's amazing the ways you can do it when you get to a certain point, isn't it? Like, when your life is just far enough away from what you ever conceived it would be? God takes us away from everything we thought we wanted...for a reason. So we can let our walls come down - and just LOVE. And BE loved. He really so wants us to BE loved. That's what I'm starting to realize, and I'm really bostered to find a fellow traveler on this path of pain and joy.
Love <3
Emily