But not really.
Being alone gives me two choices. Talk, or listen.
For a long time, I talked. I poured out my soul to God, asking Him to help me. To help me make friends, to help me fit in, to help me feel loved when others loved me. I prayed for strength, for wisdom, for patience, for charity, for humility, for anything that would give me the tools to solve my problems.
And then, after it seemed that I could pray no more, I stopped.
And listened.
...
...
...
And in the silence of listening, everything was ok. God knows me. He loves me. And whatever happens, He is at the wheel... and if I do what is right, He will always be at my side.
I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
So whenever I'm alone, in a group, or on a date, or with family, or talking with someone who knows my heart... I just stop, and listen.
Be still, and know that I am God.
I know He is.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Monday, June 18
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Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHard to listen when we surround ourselves with some much background noise. Why?!?
ReplyDeleteSo true.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to be alone. Yes, "be still and know that [he is] God." A beautiful, beautiful scripture. It is awesome you have that relationship. It is the most important relationship. For anyone.
ReplyDeleteBut you are not alone among your friends and family either. That is only an illusion that, for some unknown reason, your physical brain is subjecting you to. Like the story of the sailors who were dying of thirst. Had they known they were floating where the current of the mighty Amazon emptied into the ocean, ALL they had to do was dip their buckets in the fresh water and drink.
I wish we, your readers, knew what the answer is for how you can be surrounded by people who want you in their lives and NOT feel alone. But don't give up. Just remember, you are already floating in the fresh water. You already do have people in your life who love and care about you. You have written about them many times. Could it be as simple as just letting go of your fear and the complexities of your thoughts and drinking in the love that surrounds you? I don't know. It isn't fair to oversimplify what for you is a very real challenge. But maybe there is something you are holding onto that you could let go of. Something that is preventing that love from getting through and ending the loneliness. Or maybe, as has been discussed in other posts on this blog, it isn't that simple. Maybe it will take more than just a decision on your part to make some sort of change in the way you perceive your circumstances. I don't know the answer, but we are praying for you.
Thanks for being so real with this post. That has to be one of the steps to solving the challenge don't you think? Being able to talk candidly about what you are going through?
Is there someone in your day-to-day life who knows you as more than just "Mormon Guy"? Someone who you could show your last two posts to? Someone you could let in and trust enough to say, "Read this. This is me. I am the guy who writes this blog. This is how I feel". It might possibly be the greatest gift you could give your friend AND yourself, to let him or her in. To give someone a chance to be there for you and understand you. After all, what do you really have to lose? Maybe the only thing you would lose is your loneliness. And perhaps a little fear. Choose wisely, but there has to be someone in your life who would appreciate the opportunity to know who you really are. And how you really feel.
Does there? I just went through all the people in my life... (doesn't take very long) and besides those who already know about my blog, I can't think of someone that would even want to know this who knows me in real life. I guess I can't even think of someone who knows me in real life to begin with.
DeleteI know why I feel alone. This is one place where I sometimes wish I could break anonymity and tell you about my life. Whatever. There are clear and concrete factors that isolate me which have very little to do with same-sex attraction... and have proved extremely resistant to my efforts to counteract.
The reality is that, in my case, feeling alone is normal. It means I have feelings, which is a step up from where I was before - alone but blissfully unaware. And while it may sound awful on the outset, it's completely possible that I will feel this way for the rest of mortality. Unfair? Life wasn't meant to be fair. God asked Abraham to give up Isaac, Christ to give His life, the widow of Zarapheth to give her son's last bite of bread. It was meant to change us.
The Lord will eventually ask all of us to give up what we treasure most - to consecrate our all to Him. In my case, the Lord has asked me to be willing to give up companionship. Not only the intimate relationship of having a spouse (and thus being willing to be celibate for life), but also to be willing to give up companionship and friendship as a whole - to be willing to go through life alone.
There's nothing more that I have wished for. And yet, if it never happens... if I never find a wife and never find a friend with whom I can really connect... I'll still be okay.
Hi, it's me again. The same anonymous who wrote the comment you just replied to.
ReplyDeleteI really believe you will be okay, just like you said. Because you trust God. I hope that doesn't mean spending the rest of your mortal life alone. I hope God will provide you with a friend who understands and with whom you can "connect". But if for some reason that is not his plan for you, then you're right, you'll be okay.
This post was beautiful. Pure poetry.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a while since I last read your blog, so when I finally came to start catching up on my reader your last two posts (Alone and Personal Request) were the ones I first read. There was so much I wanted to share... but not sure how to say it. You are a beautiful person and God loves you! You are making right choices, hard choices but right ones... and grace makes up for the rest.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say that I have been there... that inside yourself lonely... I read so much more then the words on the page, it is so much deeper then lonely in a crowded room. Maybe depression is part of it, but maybe not? It is sort of a looking at yourself kind of lonely... And then I stumbled on your pride post with Uchdorf's talk... and I am sooo there too.
All the posts that I have read, your words could be my words (different struggles/same feelings)... they are my words you speak, they are my feelings you feel. In some ways my experiences have stepped beyond yours, (only because I have experienced a few more years on this earth then you have.) In other ways you have and will have experiences that I will never have to deal with.
So I struggle, knowing I need to say something... not sure what or why? Knowing you have the answer inside of you. Knowing that a friend who knows how to hear would mean sooo much. Wanting to be there just to hear, to help you see and find that thing you are needing, that thing you are looking for.
And then I read this post and see you found the answer. You found that thing inside of you. You heard it.
You know you have a God. You know he is there. Know he cares for you greater then any father on this earth has or ever could care for his son. Know that your Savior, your brother, Jesus Christ, will make it right, His grace will heal you and he will heal your heart... look to Him... feel him...
I discovered this story recently, and it helped me to put loneliness in perspective: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evMOK8fBVM0. Sometimes it is best to focus on ourselves and our relationship with God rather than worry about finding something or someone that we think we need. If we are complete by ourselves, then our associations will no longer need to be self-serving and can be more selfless, and therefore more meaningful. And we will always have God by our side to keep us motivated and moving.
ReplyDeleteI would just like to say thank you. In these few posts I have read, I have seen more trust and love than I have felt in a long time. Thank you.
ReplyDelete