Updated November 21, 2012
For the first few months of (Gay) Mormon Guy's existence, many new readers
took the plunge into understanding my life by reading all my back posts.
"I finally finished reading all your posts..." was a common preface
to emails and comments. As time has gone on, and I've kept posting (for better
or worse), reading the entire blog to understand who I am has become daunting
for any but the most heroic of readers.
So I've decided to make an index of all the posts I've written, with
markings to indicate unique posts for newcomers. It's sort of like an annotated
summary of everything that has happened - and hopefully, collectively, the
entries explain my perspective enough that the bar of understanding my blog is
lowered beneath the ordeal of reading everything I write.
Without further ado, the annotated index; unique or important entries are
bold.
Chronological Index - Newest Posts First
Homework.
A rant on homework.
All Day Crying.
My emotional overload from the past few days meant I was on the edge all day Sunday. I spent most of it crying, for no reason at all... and this post was trying to process the deluge of feelings that have come.
My First Day as a Mormon w/SSA
I went to the SSA conference, met people I had only chatted with online, did a film shoot for Voices of Hope, and found myself feeling a mixture of emotions. I loved finding a community of people, but at the same time I found myself afraid to jump in. Relationships, and groups, don't often work well for me... and as soon as my hopes begin to rise I find myself afraid of dashing them altogether.
Conference on Same-Sex Attraction Today
The Foundation for Attraction Research and the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists held a conference on Faith & Feelings in Provo. This was just an announcement about it.
My name’s David. I’m the Author of (Gay) Mormon Guy
The post where I share who I am with the world. It's sort of long, and most of the information is contained in other places here at (G)MG, but it's worth reading.
1 Day Left: Passions, Professions, and Dreams
Homework.
A rant on homework.
All Day Crying.
My emotional overload from the past few days meant I was on the edge all day Sunday. I spent most of it crying, for no reason at all... and this post was trying to process the deluge of feelings that have come.
My First Day as a Mormon w/SSA
I went to the SSA conference, met people I had only chatted with online, did a film shoot for Voices of Hope, and found myself feeling a mixture of emotions. I loved finding a community of people, but at the same time I found myself afraid to jump in. Relationships, and groups, don't often work well for me... and as soon as my hopes begin to rise I find myself afraid of dashing them altogether.
Conference on Same-Sex Attraction Today
The Foundation for Attraction Research and the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists held a conference on Faith & Feelings in Provo. This was just an announcement about it.
My name’s David. I’m the Author of (Gay) Mormon Guy
The post where I share who I am with the world. It's sort of long, and most of the information is contained in other places here at (G)MG, but it's worth reading.
1 Day Left: Passions, Professions, and Dreams
Glimpses into facets that have had a major influence on my
real life.
I met a guy at the gas station who asked for a few dollars
of gas. I didn’t even think to fill up his tank until he had already driven
away. My charity still has a ways to go.
Beginning the countdown to when I share who I am with the
world. Each day I’ll write something about my life. The first day I wrote about
my love of writing.
As I merge my
worlds, I'll be combining two distinct online personas... and there will be no
turning back. In effect, I'll be branded for life. I don't know exactly what
the brand will be. I know what I want it to be - the simple "I'm a son of
God."
I told my extended family. Their response was one of instant
and total love. "I love you." "You know I'm your biggest
fan." "There's this girl I know who I think would be great for you
(that made me laugh, and I knew it was coming)." "You're
awesome."
Transparency
and Fear
Telling people about (Gay) Mormon Guy has connected me with a fear I didn't know I had. I find myself tripping over words, trying to figure out the best way to speak, and afraid.
Telling people about (Gay) Mormon Guy has connected me with a fear I didn't know I had. I find myself tripping over words, trying to figure out the best way to speak, and afraid.
Some of the posts that ended up being used in the “Start
Here” portion of (Gay) Mormon Guy.
I told my bishop about (Gay) Mormon Guy. His response? “Nothing
Has Changed.”
I’m reading the book Crucial Conversations in anticipation
of telling everyone I know about (Gay) Mormon Guy. In the meantime, I realized
that I need to change the comment policy to create a more open environment
where people can share their thoughts and feelings.
Some concerns on merging worlds – I’m not sure how my mission
companions will respond, nor how to contact them best.
I talk about my decision to merge worlds – to introduce the
people of (Gay) Mormon Guy to the people in my life, and vice versa.
Some of the thoughts I had after the October 2012 General
Conference.
Overview of the Voices of Hope Project
– an initiative to find 1000 witnesses that living the gospel can bring peace
and hope to those with same-gender attraction.
Poem about life, and how easy it is to feel alone, angry,
lonely, and afraid.
Coming out -
openly admitting your faults. Staying in - openly committing to the path of
faith. What if more of us honestly accepted our failings, put ourselves on an
open trajectory to being better, and then shared that vision with the world?
I'm not sure if
what I feel is true jealousy. I want what this guy has - a happy family,
direction in life, and an unwavering connection with God. But I know how to get
there... and our conversation was enough to help me realize where I'm lacking
and which way to go.
I read from one
of my mission journals today - the one stuffed with letters written to me by my
companions. I had intended to simply look up the first and last name of an
elder I served with... and then an hour had passed. I miss my mission.
I've found that
goodness naturally brings its own constant rewards. Not some gift from the
cosmos, but in that being good makes life inherently better somehow.
Sometimes I look
at my life, and my future, and the unknown scares me.
What I love about weddings.
Wow. I just
compared love to a rag soaked in gasoline. I'm really tired.
Launch post about Northern Lights.
Sometimes I wish
that my family (other than just my parents) knew about the trials I face. And
sometimes I realize that they don't have to know. No one really has to know...
because if you truly love someone, you'll always give them everything.
My first (cryptic) announcement about the relaunch of Northern
Lights.
My testimony of faith. Someone mentioned to me that sharing
my testimony always gave them strength… and so I did.
There was a
little one-year-old boy with flaxen blond hair on the bus today. His time was
spent intensely examining the leather zipper pull on his mom's purse. Try to
never grow up, kid. But if life makes you, then carry a zipper pull in your
pocket.
Sometimes, in
the middle of the night, I wake up and find myself living a childhood nightmare...
because I am suddenly afraid of the dark. But I'm not really afraid of the
dark. I'm afraid of the unknown.
I've had a
realization recently that depression, at least in my life, has been a huge part
of developing who I am... In those minutes and hours, I find myself focusing on
the few things that really matter in life... the Church, sharing the gospel,
keeping the commandments, and finding ways to help others become better.
Sometimes it
hits me. A yearning deeper than the thoughts of my everyday, a feeling stronger
than the surface of my reality.
I'm in love. With
home teaching.
Honestly? There
could be lots of reasons. There are probably lots of reasons. But, as of right
now... I don't know.
Follow-up to the previous post. Whenever I'm
alone, in a group, or on a date, or with family, or talking with someone who
knows my heart... I just stop, and listen. Be still, and know that I am God.
I know He is.
A short post on how totally alone I sometimes feel.
At the encouragement of my counselor (for autism), I asked
for honest feedback. What would you change about me?
Thoughts on Josh’s coming out post.
Talking about the For Thy Good project – sharing stories
about the lessons of faith that trials have brought in life.
I don't know if
I have the strength and faith to live through the trials that finding love, and
losing it, would bring. I would hope so. But that seems far more difficult than
anything I've experienced... and I hope I never do.
Imagine yourself
in my shoes. Kissing her would be enough to assuage whatever concerns she had
about how much I cared. But kissing her, even just once, would betray her trust
and make everything far more painful, because of the implication of that kiss.
It's worth it. Feeling
God work through me, knowing that He will guide and direct and take care of me,
is worth giving up all of my dreams, my hopes, and my shallow goals of
brilliance and accomplishment. And feeling peace... the peace I feel right now
albeit all of life's storms... is worth anything I can give.
My story as a video, set to Laura Story’s Blessings
The greatest
stories of triumph are of men overcoming humanity itself. Greatness,
tribulation, mediocrity, passion, mortality, and all the facets that make life
real... and with those ingredients of imperfection, somehow accomplishing the
impossible... accessing the divine.
Some days I find
myself wishing for someone who can understand me and everything I'm going
through. Someone who has been where I am, made it through somehow, and can look
at my life and give me the knowledge I need to survive.
Basics of prayer and how it helps me in my life.
For whatever
reason, every time I've read this scripture in the past, I somehow skipped over
the "much" part of "much tribulation." The scripture simply
meant that with all tribulation comes blessings - every cloud has a silver
lining. But with much added back in, it tells a completely different story.
Today, on
Mother's Day, I wanted to highlight some of the things that my mother did for
me that helped me in my path. I believe that she helped me - not only to stay
alive through the times of extreme depression, but to find peace and hope in
living the gospel, develop a relationship with God, and rise to the man I am
today.
Thoughts after my bishop took time during the 5th
Sunday meeting to talk about dating. Whenever I listen to discussions on dating
and marriage, I find myself wondering which parts apply to me.
Loneliness, like
happiness, is a feeling - an individual state of mind that comes as a result of
choices and perspective... which means that I can choose to not be lonely.
Since I was
little, I've had a dream. I've dreamt of falling in love with a girl and having
a family of my own… the prayer I pray now, and the wish I make on stars, is
this: Help me become the man I need to be today... so that I can be a better
father, husband, teacher, and friend when that time comes.
This was my first reaction to the video. I was concerned
about the message being communicated.
An edited post about the video posted by a handful of BYU
students. This post addresses the meaning of the video towards preventing
suicide, without addressing any of the other important issues that the video
brings up.
I guess what
alarms me is that people don't seem to see the danger in believing that they
can straddle both worlds. And when they are finding pleasure and fulfillment in
their relationships, yet the gospel doesn't seem to "work" for them
as it did before, I'm afraid they'll discard it, when the real issue wasn't the
gospel at all.
The tweet I
wrote says, "Elder Cook tells us to avoid any pretext of anonymity. That
strikes home. I'm anonymous." And it only began to outline the thoughts
that raced through my mind.
Maybe that's why
I'm broken - so that I can learn to better rely on the Lord instead of
everything else in my life. To help me see that, when nothing else can, He has
the power to bring me from the depths and do more than just fix me.
I used to think
that living with homosexuality was the worst possible trial that God could give
someone. I would have traded my life with anyone, because I honestly thought
that I had the worst life in the world. Any trial would have been better.
The beautiful
promise of the gospel is that no matter who I am, there is a way to make it work
for me. The gospel works. If it's not working for me, I'm not using it right.
There are more than two choices.
Some of the laws
and rulings on gay marriage include protections for religious institutions. But
none of them include protections for me.
I think too
much. I'm not sure if that's a trait shared by other guys with same-sex
attraction, or if it's just me, but I definitely think too much.
Some sinful
behavior may bring temporary, worldly pleasure, but such choices delay your
progress and lead to heartache and misery. Righteous choices lead to lasting
happiness and eternal life. Remember, true freedom comes from using your agency
to choose obedience; loss of freedom comes from choosing disobedience.
Post that
highlights some of the best ways I try to be involved in the conversation about
same-sex attraction and the gospel. Don’t use metaphors, speak from personal
experience, don’t bash/retaliate, think 5x & edit, focus improvement inward.
It was there in
the From: box - a person I knew, and not just in passing. A person I knew
really well. Some names in the world are common. But the LDS world is small.
Really small.
The problem I
face is this: how long am I supposed to give someone a "chance" in
dating? How long should I put aside my lack of interest, or frustration with
habits or lifestyle, to see if maybe sparks will miraculously appear where
there is nothing, or should I even wait at all?
If my trials
aren't readily apparent to anyone else... then the same is probably true in the
cases of others. They sit next to me in Sunday School, speak in my Sacrament
meeting, and work with me on projects and activities... and I have no idea
about the troubles they face.
If I could write
a guidebook for all the members of the Church, or everyone in the world, it
would encourage men and women to love one another… and that’s why God wrote the
scriptures.
This trial -
life - seems so incredibly perfect sometimes. Hard enough to make you cry and
want to give up, yet just bearable enough to allow you the strength to turn to
God, find faith, and thrive.
Some of my thoughts on the hymn “Nearer, My God, to Thee.”
I sat down to
try to make goals for my life, and realized that, in many cases, I don't really
even have a direction that I'm traveling. I'm just living each day as it comes..
I realize that I
was dictating what I would and wouldn't do, based on His involvement in my
life. I was giving God ultimatums… but God can give ultimatums, too.
... You'd
probably find a couple of seemingly contradictory layers.
Even in the bad
times, the Lord finds ways to help me... to lift me and bless me and get me
moving... and so I keep moving forward, one step at a time.
It shouldn't
have been surprising when he canceled on me today because he was doing stuff
with another friend... and didn't invite me because he wasn't sure if I'd want
to come... but surprise isn't the right word. What had been a good day suddenly
turned about-face and went downhill from there.
Number 301-1040.
I had the blessing to serve for two years as a missionary, standing as a
witness of God at all times and in all places, and learning what it meant to
literally take the name of Christ upon me and act in His name... fall in love
with people and language, and come closer to God as I worked to help others
make changes in their lives.
I think that's
what made the tenth leper different. I think that, if he hadn't been healed, he
would have continued to believe in Christ and praise God - and maybe that is
what made the difference. He had already found happiness in doing what was
right within his ability, and the outward miracle of healing was just that - an
outward manifestation to match a greater inward change... and Christ's miracle
was an opportunity to invite me, and all those present, to exercise the same
faith to be made whole.
The strength the
Lord gives me today, is for today. I can use it all and it will be enough.
I used to want
to die. Suicide has never been an option. But it tugs at the back of my mind
when days are dark and I wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile, or if I'm
ruining the Plan Father has for me.
I met someone who I thought would have the ability to give
me insight into my life because of the unique things we had in common. I was
sort of shocked to see how incredibly different our lives and perspectives
were.
Difficulties I face in developing friendships, and how that
exacerbates life when you have SSA.
My thoughts on attending temple sealings (marriages in LDS
temples).
Maybe that's a
secret in life - realizing that every experience is designed to help me learn
to be happy. I think it is.
There are people all over the world who understand our
trials. And God Himself has always understood us. We are never alone.
Come, join the
ranks of men and women who aren't afraid to share the gospel in everything they
do.
The first time I decided to live-tweet General Conference.
You can follow me at @gaymormonguy
What I’m doing to prepare for General Conference.
Today, there
isn't a physical storm raging in life. There is no snow or blizzard or
darkening clouds. But, among my friends and neighbors, there are hundreds, thousands
of men and women who are holding on to life in the gospel. Men and women who
have given everything they have, who wonder if help will ever come.
“As
an apostle of the Lord, I am the watchman in the parable… and I have just
spoken to you on a subject that was directed to me by the Spirit.” That’s about
as clear as it gets to me… the political world is going to get rough.
Trials are black
lines on white canvas. They find meaning only when filled with colors and
light. And when they have filled their purpose, they disappear, forever hidden
beneath the life they helped create.
For a while I
lived a double life. I did everything I could in my Church callings, but then
found myself fantasizing about guys late at night. I rationalized that I could
be extra-righteous in other areas to make up for it. And then, one night in
prayer, I realized that I had to choose between the two.
Thinking about a girl.
"You know
what the problem is, Mormon Guy? You're too busy for a wife. And you don't need
one." He went on to outline the reasons why I was too busy, and then
detailed all the external factors that stood in the way of girls who might be
interested - the things that made it obvious to onlookers that I was somehow
self-sufficient and had no room for romantic female companionship.
…everything will work out.
I may not be
able to choose who I am attracted to. I may not be able to choose the
temptations I face or the love that I feel. But I can choose who I am in those
circumstances. This is who I am: Mormon, faithful, happy, fulfilled, peaceful,
hopeful, optimistic, and, someday, saved. To thine own self be true. I am a
child of God, and I am the arbiter of my destiny. I choose who I am.
Link to a gallery where I get some of my pictures for (Gay)
Mormon Guy
Talking about a conversation that I had with a friend in
real life – helping him to relight the inspirational fire of the gospel and see
how it applied in his life.
Life is hectic and busy, and there are a lot of things that
aren’t going right. But I can feel peace if I’m doing the right thing and
moving in the right direction.
I had a conversation with a girl about what she was looking
for in a husband. She told me, and it made me think about what I’m looking for.
I asked for help and the answer was simple: just keep moving forward.
I have trouble relating with people, and them with me, it
impacts my relationships. Some people see me as a hero. Others as a villain.
There are only a few who see me as a friend.
I've known the
parable of the wise man for a long time. But what happens when there is only
sand for miles around?
In the
scriptures I feel a kinship to many of the people who undergo suffering in
life... but perhaps no one more than the lepers. This parable compares leprosy,
and the healing Naaman received, to myself and the healing I have found.
How I found hope in the midst of depression and abuse in my
teenage years.
The Sunday
School discussion today began with a question - what gift do you want most in
life?
The Lord always
has a purpose in His designs. This year, a late spring and heavy rains left
gardens bare of flowers and fruit... but only a few months later, those same
conditions made summer gorgeous. The same thing is happening in my life.
A story about overcoming depression.
Being Mormon
with same-sex attraction has far more consequences than a sexual drive directed
towards men. I have specific, incredible, important psychological needs that
can't be met any other way than by through a guy.
The vision that created the comment policy at (Gay) Mormon
Guy. “I
invite comments here because I want to create an environment where people can
discuss and share their own success stories of faith in their lives.”
Some thoughts about music in my life, and seeking to find
optimism.
In the midst of a huge depressive episode, I ask myself who
my future wife will be. What will be her story of coming to love God?
I’m grateful for the things that I’ve been able to see while
writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy.
Talking about the current belief about whether sexuality
falls along a spectrum influenced by action/environment/etc or is completely
inborn. Note: After publishing his research in a peer-reviewed journal, Spitzer
later attempted to retract the article. His request was denied.
Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. On the outside it seems like
my life is perfectly put together, when in reality my world is continually
falling apart and coming back together. No one would want my life if they
really knew what was happening.
I’m dating a girl and it’s not working out. And there’s a
guy that I’m trying to befriend, and that’s not working out either. Sometimes I
wish I could just leave this trial behind.
Sometimes people tell me that living in the Church with SSA
is too hard. Life
is hard, but it's really not that hard... since the deck is stacked in
our favor.
Recently I've
taken to drugging myself when I can feel depression coming - in the form of
adrenaline and endorphins. I grab my gym bag, an mp3 player, and go to the gym,
forcing myself to pump iron and steel until sweat has mixed with tears and I
know I'll be sore the next day. Sometimes it takes a few hours. But eventually
the newly induced chemistry wins out and I'm at least able to go home smiling.
The experience of telling my parents about (Gay) Mormon Guy.
A letter that explains what I would write to my parents if I
ever told them about (Gay) Mormon Guy.
An overview of some of the psychological studies that have
been completed on nature vs nurture in homosexuality. Most of the research has
been inconclusive, which means that homosexuality is probably due to a number
of colluding factors instead of simply a genetic switch.
After feeling something a few days prior, I felt a bit of confusion.
The girl I had met wasn’t available, and I definitely didn’t feel anything for
anyone else. Confusing.
One of the first times I wanted to be near a girl. It didn’t
end up meaning anything, but it was an intriguing experience.
Using the metaphor of Dungeons & Dragons (and the
in-depth character creation that precedes gameplay) to talk about blessings and
trials in life.
Two choices
determine my destiny. One promises eternal happiness, growth, heartache, faith,
and strength with God at my side. The other offers love, acceptance, pleasure,
earthly happiness, and instant gratification with a guy beside me. And both are
telling the truth.
The great secret
to understanding and applying the teachings of Christ - to being able to truly
feast on them over and over again - is realizing that I will never, ever, ever
truly "get them" or understand their beauty and magnificence... only
grow closer with each passing day.
I have read your
blog several times and I think I have a brother who is in your shoes. How
should I go about handling this situation? Do we want him to be able to admit
this weakness? Is that part of the healing? Is trying to get him attracted
to women a lost cause?
A short post on the beauty in the world.
I used to pray,
fervently and desperately, for God to take away my trials. I looked up at the
heavens, and, tears in my eyes, asked Him to lighten my burdens and to make me
whole. Today, I am grateful that He didn't. He gave me the strength, the
wisdom, the knowledge, and the faith to move forward and to become the man He
saw in me... something I could have never done without being surrounded by
adversity.
I live with cyclic depression. This is just a post about how
I find the strength to push through.
A rant on the idea of making children’s lives harder for the
case of not “sheltering” them. You don’t need to make your home reflect the
world. Life
will be absolutely miserable, painful, trying, and full of temptations and
learning experiences no matter how I am raised.
I watched a Disney movie and found myself longing to fall in
love with a girl. This was the post that followed.
A history of (Gay) Mormon Guy and how the readership has
changed over time, from men and women who live with SSA, to faithful Church
members, to people from all over the world.
Today I realize
that I've always had a friend by my side. Someone to talk to when times are
hard, a shoulder to cry on when I'm alone. One who watches over me in my sleep
and protects me from danger, warns me and knows the thoughts and dreams of my
heart. God is my best friend. And He's the best friend that I could ever hope
for.
There is nothing
like the sublime ability to see their eyes light up from the inside... To see
them fall in love with life itself... To find meaning in their trials and hope
in their suffering.
This is a rewrite of my Jimmer post – using specific
principles instead of names of people I’ve met. My friends' choices are integral
to the story of who they are - and understanding them also means understanding
why they made the choices they did... and who they are now.
Short encouragement to watch or read General Conference
instead of reading (Gay) Mormon Guy.
The Most Amazing, Thrilling Post in the History
of the World
An April Fool’s Day post. It’s blank.
I went to school with Jimmer. In the midst of all the LDS
gossip on why he didn’t serve a mission, I wrote this post – it doesn’t matter
whether someone else serves, only whether we should serve ourselves.
Each day I stand
with a choice. I can try to do it alone - to use the intellect and talents the
Lord has given me and swim upstream on my own... Or I can take my
blessings, my burdens, my trials, and my faith, and cast them into the Lord's
treasury... believing that He will from my sacrifice bring forth the blessings
of Heaven. He has. He does. And I know He always will.
My thoughts on the Bible – how it
has grown to be strength to me in my life.
My thoughts on the Book of Mormon,
and why I believe that it is the word of God.
My thoughts on personal prayer, and some of the blessings that have come
to me through prayer.
My thoughts on modern-day prophets, from Joseph Smith to
Thomas S. Monson. Why I believe in them, am grateful for them, and how having a
living prophet on the earth today affects my life, personally and individually.
A longer post, talking about some of the potential natural
and external factors in the issues surrounding same-sex attraction...
specifically depression. Regardless of the cause of depression, I've found that
living the gospel, keeping the commandments, and repenting of my sins lessens
depression in my life considerably.
Thoughts on the story of Christ feeding the 5000 -
particularly the little boy with loaves and fishes. Sometimes I am the boy...
and the Lord asks me to give Him what I have, with the promise that He will
somehow provide.
How I can avoid eating junk food. And how I can use those
same principles to avoid sin.
Metaphor from the temple - the flowers planted close to the
temple walls grow faster and stronger. Why... and how I have learned from that
truth.
Life throws lots of curveballs. So what? My thoughts when
things happen that could throw me off balance.
I've wanted to be "accepted" by others for a long
time in my life. But I've realized that true acceptance only comes from God.
Only He truly understands me and can judge my actions and say, "Well done,
thou good and faithful servant..." How I continue to grow so that I can live
up to God's expectations of me.
I've never been attracted to women. But there are definitely
still things that I appreciate... and things that, hopefully, my future wife
will have as traits and characteristics.
My thoughts on coming to Zion - not just as a physical
gathering, but as a spiritual one... and how I can better come to Zion in my
own life.
How I find
peace in doing what is right while waiting for the Lord to fulfill His
promises. I know that He will; in the meantime, I work to do His will and
become a better man. And someday, my dreams will come true.
Short memory of having smiling contests with myself. And the
decision to smile, and be optimistic, even when life is confusing.
Symbolism that I like. I live an imperfect life, in an
imperfect world... but I've learned things here that I never would have learned
otherwise. "Yeah, life would be great in a perfect Eden. But life outside
is better."
My thoughts on the CES Fireside given by Elder Perry on
Sunday, March 6, 2011. What I can do to be a better Christian.
Welcome to CJane readers - I posted a guest post called "In
Our Own Way" on CJane. This is a followup to the post and my thoughts
on the Christian Hymn "Let Us All Press On."
A post about giving the Lord my trials, sorrows, struggles,
and fear... and learning to thrive in an imperfect world with an imperfect
life. Men are that they might have joy.
I've learned a lot thanks to my perspective and unique
experiences in life. I think that the lessons I've learned were definitely
worth the price I paid to learn them.
3rd day of the blog fast. I broke the fast early... but it
was still good. My thoughts on fasting, and the strength that comes through
fasting, especially for prolonged periods of time.
2nd day of the blog fast. My life is perfectly designed for
me. The chaos is perfect. The trials are perfect. Everything was perfectly
designed with me in mind. That's the meaning from the chaos.
First day of a blog fast; my thoughts on sharing touch with
girls and the pros and cons with that. Specifically, how to be around girls and
show that I care about them through touch without giving them the wrong impression
(that I'm physically attracted).
Some of the things I love about being Mormon - reasons why I
am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
A clear statement on the characteristics that will need to
be present for me to marry a girl - specifically my feelings on mutual attraction.
The final love languages post. This one is slightly
complicated... with girls I seem to still act as if they have cooties. With guys,
touch is important, but I have to set clear boundaries.
The fourth love languages post. I really like helping others,
so this one works well.
The third love languages post. I'm ok at gifts, but it's
taken me a while to get good at it.
The second of love languages posts. Quality time is my love
language.
The first of 5 posts on love languages. How I am with words
of affirmation - mediocre at giving and receiving.
My thoughts on being a superhero. "The real question is
not 'What superpower would you have to help save the world?' but 'How will you
use the cards you have been given to help save the world?'"
Another form of depression hits - complete and total loss of
desire to do anything at all. I idly write about the experience, then finally
find something stirring inside me, pushing me to move forward even if my
feelings are gone... and the apathy slowly begins to go away.
Valentine's
Day post - I may not know what will happen tomorrow, but I know that God will
bless me and help me learn to really love people, no matter what happens.
A few girls recently have shown a lot of interest in me, but
there are other guys involved who seem interested in them. I don't want to
jeopardize my relationship with the guys by pursuing the girls... but hey - if
I give up before I even start, how will I ever find the right one?
I tried to ask girls out in advance for the weekend before
Valentine's, but nothing really worked out. A recap on why I'm set on finding a
wife instead of deciding to be celibate for life.
Sort of humorous, sort of serious comparison between me and
the Twilight vampires - prompted by a comment posted by a reader.
Thoughts on "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin
Rouge - the importance of giving people a chance and making the plunge to try
to make love work. And, even if it doesn't having fun anyway.
My thoughts on a first-Sunday discussion on the importance
of preparing for marriage. I'm definitely for preparation, regardless of
whether marriage happens soon, later, or in the next life.
Comparison of days when I don't blog, because they're just
good days, to the extremely short or nonexistent entries in Book of Mormon
times when life was good.
After a bunch of people asked, I decided to publish (Gay)
Mormon Guy as a book that people could actually buy, read, and give away. It's
available on a print-on-demand site called lulu.com and, eventually, amazon.com
Reasons why
my life is awesome, prompted by a comment that told me I was way too
melancholy.
I felt like I had been run over by an emotional Mack truck.
It's easy to label those who don't understand as bigots, hateful, spiteful...
But I can't do that.
Thoughts about how physical cycles are affected by, and, in
turn, affect other aspects of my life.
I rant about the current trend of lowering your morals to
fit your actions, instead of raising your actions to fit your morals.
I feel like life is going to change... for the better or for
the worse. But, in the meantime, life is good.
A commentary
on the Disney movie that probably best describes my situation of all the options
I can think of. I need to find a girl I can fall in love with, and she with me,
even though we are both imperfect... and we'll both need to work harder than
ever to make it work.
A phrase that has given me strength in the recent months when
I am trying to overcome temptation.
Not a comprehensive or even universal list, but some
thoughts about the things I face.
My thoughts about Elder Christofferson's remarks at the CES
Fireside. The Lord doesn't ask me to live my entire life tomorrow - He asks me
to life today. "Someday I hope to cross over the river Jordan and eat of
the corn of the land... But in the meantime I'll turn to God... and give thanks
for the manna that falls from Heaven... Tomorrow is tomorrow. And until it
comes, I will live my life today... one today at a time."
My thoughts on the song "Carry Your Candle"
All my plans fall through, so I turn on Pandora and sing
along, letting the world disappear around me. "I sometimes forget how
amazing, powerful, and peaceful music can be."
A short explanation of the meaning of the days of Christmas,
and brief summaries of the person I want to become, taken from the past 12
days.
I talk with a few friends and find that, in everything I do
here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, my goal is simply to help others deepen their faith,
and to deepen my own. I realize that deepening faith is the chief goal of all
teaching in the Church, and the answer to every one of life's questions.
Being honest in understanding and acknowledging my lifelong
struggle with depression - how being willing to honestly look at my problems
gives me the tools to overcome them.
I share my reasons for beginning (Gay) Mormon Guy and ask
God if I should stop blogging. The answer was a resounding no. Press forward
with faith.
I met with my bishop again. Among other things, he said,
"When you are trying to find good friends, be yourself." In that
statement I heard God telling me to love myself, to be open with myself, to
rely on Him, and to stop worrying... to simply open my heart to others and that
He would help me.
I wake up on New Year's Day with a huge sense of peace, even
though things don't seem to be going well in life. I take the time to share my
testimony of the gospel.
A prayer for peace, courage, and faith for the New Year.
Everyone in my life sets me up with people because they want
me to be happily married. I'm really grateful for that - but sometimes I wish
they understood the trial I face so that they could understand that just being
'cute' isn't going to cut it. And some random thoughts on marriage prep.
My answer to "What would you do if God commanded you to
find a husband?" Be sure to follow the comment trail... The ultimate
answer came as I turned to God in prayer, asking for help in answering the
question. And His answer was that He would never command me or anyone else to
marry someone of the same sex - so if a prompting came, it wouldn't be from
God.
Thoughts on being different, and wanting to find a group
where I can fit in and feel like I belong. I've never found one.
Two dreams I've had for as long as I can remember: falling
in love with a girl who loves me, too... and making a difference in the world.
Sometimes both seem pretty impossible, but they're still my dreams.
I got outed to my bishop. This is a meeting I had with him,
and my feelings after our meeting about how priesthood leaders could help me in
my struggle.
How the uncertainty in the story of Joseph and Mary is
similar to my own life.
Some more guy friends to do guy stuff with, direction in
what to do next with (Gay) Mormon Guy, a better relationship with God and my
friends, greater faith to have patience in finding true friends and an eternal
mate, and help becoming better.
I sometimes get extremely dissenting opinions as comments on
my blog. Many of them don't get published because I lack the time to edit them
or respond. But sometimes they do - this one did.
I look back on the past few months and realize that I expected
that doing good things would bring me happiness. In reality, happiness comes
from being good - and I see the goodness inherent in my life and feel pretty
invincible in my happiness.
My thoughts on the early chapters of Mosiah, as King
Benjamin says, "Are we not all beggars?"
I realize that I place way too much stock in how others
think of me. The Lord encourages me to trust in Him, instead of trusting in
others... I conjecture on what could have led to the firestorm of the day before...
and how life would be different if everyone knew who I was.
Easily
the worst day of 2010. I experience complete rejection from a leader and
friend, and find myself wondering what is so horribly wrong with me that I
destroy every relationship I touch... but the Lord still loves me. Random
strangers, family members, and ward members approach me throughout the day
letting me know that He cares about me and is involved in my life.
Some
of my friends are unresponsive during finals, and I decide to be better than a
fair-weather friend, and continue to be involved in their lives, through thick
and thin.
Determining
that I'll live life each day, and repent each day, and ask God for help each
day so that I can start out right. The realization that prayer helps me to gain
the strength to do the things I want to do.
More
thoughts on Internet anonymity, and the ability to bless the lives of others
during the Christmas season, anonymously.
I realize
that I need friends, desperately... but that, in order to get friends, I
sometimes need to pretend that I already have them... or something like that.
The
importance to me of being completely honest, and how I answered some tough
questions about my dating life honestly.
I
seem to be feeling depressed more and more often - the good things in life are
quickly overshadowed by seemingly massive shadows... The things I do to keep
depression from taking over my life.
My
thoughts on what to do when I'm in the doldrums of life. If only I had known
how short the doldrums would last...
When
I'm having a rough time, I find peace in exercising and listening to the
scriptures or sessions of conference on my .mp3 player.
Life
is awesome because God loves me and I'm trying to do what's right. That's it.
My
life as a roller coaster of emotions, stress based on problems with
friendships. I decide to turn to God and to my friends and ask them for help in
becoming a better friend.
Finding
peace through service when life seems to be going all wrong.
My
feelings on doing everything to avoid temptations, right before they come.
I
decide not to stress about falling in love with guys or girls - to just live
life, enjoy life, and learn to love and support people no matter what happens.
Feeling
entitled in the temple, being chastised by the Lord, and then promised that the
blessings will come - a comparison to wanting to find love and have a family.
Thoughts
from Elder Oaks' talk "He Heals the Heavy Laden" - October 2006...
and my commitment to give the Lord my life and, instead of asking for relief,
to ask for strength to bear my burdens.
Thanksgiving
post - and of all the things I'm grateful for, I'm grateful that God allowed me
to experience life and its trials in such a way that I can come unto Him. It's
the worst thing I can imagine... but I'm grateful for the things I've learned
along the way.
Finding
strength to continue moving even when the storm clouds don't break.
A
prayer for peace and hope when I felt awful, and the beginning of hope shining
through the clouds.
A
post written in the depths of depression. When I really wanted to die.
I
spent a few days not thinking about (Gay) Mormon Guy, to determine how much of
an impact it was having in my life. I asked the Lord if I should just stop
posting, and He taught me that I had been changed... and that I would spend the
rest of my life sharing the gospel because of the change I had felt.
Some
random thoughts on my priorities in life.
My
honest comment that I hadn't yet fallen in love with a girl causes the relationship
to evaporate overnight. This is a rant on dating and girls in general.
I
finally download the Book of Mormon and put it on my .mp3 player, then listen
to part of it during the day. My thoughts about judging others based on
appearances.
Thoughts
on how I find peace when I find myself walking in the valley of depression.
Post
#101 - my thoughts on how (Gay) Mormon Guy interacts with (and sometimes takes
over) my life. I asked God if I should stop writing, and the answer was a
definite no.
My
thoughts on Friday date nights, and my commitment to be happy to do things that
are worthwhile, whether or not a date works out each week.
The
reasons I began (Gay) Mormon Guy - to be a personal source of clear, applicable
doctrine and share my story with others... and the natural pitfalls of being
unofficial in my connection with the Church. My blog is not doctrine. It is
just my story. Hopefully it inspires people to turn to God to better understand
their own lives.
How
others in the Church can fellowship and lift me in my trials. Specifically, how
they can lift me and others who live with same-gender attraction.
Wondering if
I'm doing enough to stay away from temptation and to do good in the world.
Paraphrase
from my Patriarchal blessing, which promises that I'll fall in love with a
young woman, be sealed in the temple, and raise a family in this life. How I
continue to have faith even when that promise seems impossible.
Answers
to questions. Have you ever fallen in love with a guy? Is there a moral way to
express the love you feel for another man within the doctrine of the Church?
How can people use the word 'love' to mean so many different things?
How
spending unscheduled time with a friend made a bad day better.
My
response to reporters and others asking me to appear in public or share my
story on television.
A
view into some of my fears, sources of stress, and sorrows, in response to a
comment indicating that I lacked reality and was becoming too preachy and less
vulnerable with time.
Thoughts
on being alone, from a viewpoint of society, and as a commentary on my life.
How turning to God enables me to never feel alone.
I decide to
go to sleep early instead of posting, and give my rationale...
A
news story that a reporter asked me to reference on my blog, about a woman who
lives with same-sex attraction and has chosen to keep the commandments and be
active in the Church.
My
thoughts and feelings when I falter, stand before the throne of God, and want
to disappear because I know that I'm not worthy... and the love I feel when He
opens His arms to help me repent and return to Him.
More
answers to questions from the Topic Suggestion page.
Answers
to questions from the Topic Suggestion page.
Comparison
of the work it takes to develop physical strength and the work it takes to
develop a meaningful relationship with God. An experience I had in Sacrament
meeting as the Lord helped me realize that I was finally on the right path, and
His answers to my prayers as I prayed for others.
Explanation
of some of my internal struggles with pride, and an apology to readers for
anything that seems arrogant or conceited.
A
post written during a major episode of depression. This was a really awful day,
but writing really helped...
Thoughts from
my own mission, and my injunction to all young men: "I think that serving
a mission is the best thing any worthy, able young man can do. And that he
should do it." That applies equally, and perhaps more, to young men who
live with same-gender attraction.
A
response to an email asking for help. The difference between the Church and its
culture; how the principles of the gospel help to prevent, not cause, suicide;
what I can do to help people be more caring.
Where
dinosaurs fit into the Plan of Salvation, and why I and others whose lives
match mine can't live on borrowed light.
My
decision to put General Conference on my .mp3 player so that I can listen to it
throughout the day.
My
thoughts on (Gay) Mormon Guy in the wake of suddenly having many more readers
than I expected... how to meet the needs of my original audience without
shortchanging the people on the outskirts who want to understand.
My
progression into realizing where happiness comes from - not from
accomplishments, but from becoming more like God and keeping His commandments.
A
post in answer to a reader's question. Helping loved ones with same-gender
attraction is the same as helping them with anything. Pray, Act, Love, and
Share the Gospel.
Link
to the Church's official statement on its stance on same-gender attraction, and
its invitation to all people to love those around them.
Another
of my favorite posts. Thoughts on how Elder Simmons' talk from General
Conference of 2004 applies in my life. "True faith is not contingent on
results. True faith is more than just believing that God can and will empower
and deliver us in life. It is acting on that belief whether or not He
does."
My
response to the protest outside the Church Office Building - my testimony of
the Plan of Salvation and how the gospel applies to my life and brings me hope
and happiness.
The
Church statement and some of my thoughts.
A
thank-you to readers who found ways to share the message of the gospel with
others.
Thanks
to Facebook, Twitter, and the online world, this is by far the most-read post
on my blog... to the tune of hundreds of thousands of views. It outlines my
thoughts on President Packer's message.
Another
post written when I was really tired.
Some
personal revelation I received while at General Conference, as applied to my
life.
The
realization I had at General Conference that I would be willing to do anything
for God, and the peace that came with it.
Why
I'm thankful for my trials, for the gospel, and for the hope that it brings me
in my life.
I
love the temple.
Some
of my thoughts on forcing myself to be around people even when I don't want to
be... and the blessings that come from it.
I
love the imagery of this post. Instead of looking to the end of the tunnel for
hope and peace, "the light of faith, hope, peace, and love is here, inside
the tunnel, beside me..."
One
of my favorite posts - what the Lord taught me about the woman with the issue
of blood in the New Testament. "The true miracle... didn't come when the
woman touched His robe... The true miracle was the change in her heart..."
My
thoughts about living life in the moment - being able and willing to enjoy life
when it's just good.
My
thoughts on the children's song Scripture Power! - and how its message applies
to me and my life.
An
experience where the Lord told me to take care of myself in order to be a
better person.
What
I do to prepare for General Conference - go with a question in mind, pray for
guidance, listen for a message for me.
Thoughts
on why I feel different, no matter where I go or with whom I speak... and
expressed peace that, at least when I pray, I feel like Someone understands me.
A
rant on "moderation," which has come to be synonymous with mediocrity
and lukewarm feelings about the gospel.
Some
of the things I've learned about myself from being alone in my trials -
including understanding my relationship with God.
I
talk about the importance of having and being good friends.
Why
I choose to believe and strive for the ideal in families, even if it doesn't
always make sense.
My
thoughts on meditation - from staring at a candle to using the Wii Fit.
A
comparison between stalling while driving a stick shift, and having trouble
implementing gospel habits. As I make small changes, and move forward slowly in
life, I am able to continue without biting off more than I can chew (or
changing 5 gears at once).
Random
thoughts about music.
How
the gospel gives me hope and promises that someday my dreams will come true,
whether in this life or the next.
My
experience telling a Priesthood leader about my attraction to guys - the first
person I ever told - and the counsel he gave me.
Trying
new things to overcome temptation when it won't go away.
Thoughts
on Sister Beck's talk - "we are doing better than we think we are, but we
can still do better."
My
thoughts about one of my past friends, who decided to leave the Church to be
gay.
A
quote from the September CES Fireside about not taking girls to movies.
Some
of my thoughts about moving forward when life seems to be moving backward on
me... and an explanation that living with same-gender attraction doesn't
directly entail sin.
Some
of the things I love about life and the gospel.
Thoughts
on writing (Gay) Mormon Guy.
My
realization that changing myself is the first step in changing the world.
Some
of my wishes. Some humorous, others sincere.
A
post written when I was really tired. Talks briefly about how nice it is to
live in a clean environment.
Random
thoughts about dating, from guys' and girls' perspectives.
How
I prepare to fast and the things I do on the day before Fast Sunday.
Thoughts
about missing posts; why I continue blogging even when life is busy.
Attending
Institute, Sunday worship, and prayer as methods to help me in life.
Scripture
study, fasting, and temple worship as methods to help me overcome trials.
Some
of the coping strategies I use to overcome temptation.
Some
of the physical habits and patterns I use to give me strength to overcome
temptation: diet, exercise, relationships, sleep habits, taking care of my body.
Some
of the reasons I love my ward.
Some
frustration about losing friends to changes in circumstance, then wondering
what would happen in the world if I just disappeared without a trace.
Some
of my thoughts on Friday nights and dating.
Why
I named my blog (Gay) Mormon Guy.
My
thoughts on the pros and cons of Internet anonymity.
A
few of the reasons I choose to be a romantic idealist.
Comparison
of how the Lord gives different people different things in life in order to
bless them according to their needs.
My
thoughts over time on a quote by Elder Oaks: "The intensity of our desire
to share the gospel is a great indicator of the extent of our personal
conversion."
Why
I love my family more when they set me up on blind dates, ask me about my
social life, and expect me to be perfect.
My
childhood dream to be perfect, and my current hope that I can someday become
perfected in Christ.
The
pros and cons of consistent daily exercise as it applies to temptations, and
why I think it's worth it.
How
being alone through my trials has pushed me to turn to God, and how developing
a relationship with Him has given me strength in times of trial.
Why
I love FHE, even as a totally single guy.
Comparing
meteors to the 'fiery darts of the adversary' in my life.
A
rant on dating life - its many woes and the personal struggles I face when
dating. Also a short explanation of why I continue to date even when I'm not
attracted to girls.
Truths
I've learned about same-sex attraction over the years that have blessed my life
with faith, hope, and peace.
A
testimony that daily study of the scriptures applies to and blesses my life.
Symbolism
of walking in the rain & learning to enjoy life even when times are
hard.
"Many
people with same-sex attraction look forward to a time when 'the Church will
change.'... I'm different. I don't want to change the Church. I want to change
the world."
A
request for readers to share the message with others - to find a way to bless
others who are struggling in their lives.
A
longer post where I explore the difference between levels of love - from lust
to exalting love. The key statement: true love is evinced by a desire for the
other person to become the best person he or she can become, and a willingness
to do everything in your power to make that happen.
My
thoughts on marriage, and why I firmly support and strengthen the family as
outlined in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" as the central
and key unit of society... even when it may not be a part of my future.
The
importance of setting boundaries in relationships (with guys or girls) to
ensure that nothing goes beyond them.
Why,
for most of my life, I had never told anyone about being attracted to guys, and
why, in some cases, I perhaps never will.
Some
of my thoughts on the importance of developing nonsexual relationships with
other guys to meet my social needs.
Some
of my fears in life - not getting married and never being free of same-gender
attraction... and how I've developed the faith to trust God and let Him give me
peace.
The
progression of my feelings toward same-gender attraction, from feeling outcast
and cursed, to finally coming to an understanding of the Lord's hand in my
life.
Short
tangent on the cyclic nature of hormonal temptations, then explanations of some
of the ways I try to avoid temptation, from simple (changing habits) to extreme
(disconnecting Internet from my living environment). Also an idea I've used to
help me look at guys as people instead of objects.
A
few methods I've used to overcome temptation in my life - from prayer to
simultaneously humming multiple hymns to ice-cold showers.
Short
autobiography of my life growing up, how I learned I was attracted to other
guys, and how I dealt with the problems that life gave me. Serves to give
background on where I'm coming from - including abuse, depression, addiction,
and my commitment to the gospel.