Be of good courage, for thy sins are forgiven thee... That thou mayest know that the Son of Man hath power to forgive sins, rise, take up thy bed, and walk.
I can tell when the worst temptations are about to hit. It starts with a feeling of unease, followed by something that is between a mix of incredible stress and depression. It hits when I'm alone, with nothing planned and no one around to save me. And at that point, I realize that I have a choice. Stay alone, do nothing, and let it hit me full force and probably carry me way beyond where I want to go (and set off at least a week of depression as I try to regain my feet again), or rise and run away as fast as I can. I don't always run... even though I know I should, and that is what concerns me. The Lord warns me. I know when life is going to get hard and the trials begin to overwhelm me. And yet, sometimes, I don't listen. And I fall on my face, only a few steps from the last time.
I'm not perfect by any means. And often that irks me... I've been blessed beyond anything I could ever dream, and yet I still haven't fully integrated the teachings of the Savior in my life. Do I not believe Him? Am I just lazy? Stupid? Falling to temptation is never worth it; the road to Heaven is steep enough without jumping off of sheer cliff faces.
I know that I'm not hopelessly lost. I still move forward every day. Most of the time, I listen when the Spirit tells me to run, and then I start running. Yes, sometimes I still fall. Flat on my face, in the mud, and the Lord holds out His hand to help me stand, just as He dis to the woman who washed His feet with her tears and the men who lay crippled by the side of the waters of Bethesda or in a home on their bed. I, too, have fallen, too many times... and I can't rise alone. His hand is outstretched... but not to take away my struggle. To help me learn to stand, with Him as my strength. To help me realize that it takes more than faith to rise up and walk...to rise up and run from temptation... more than anything I could ever do alone. Maybe that's another meaning of the promises the Lord has given in the scriptures... That as I turn to Him, He will give me the strength to run and not be weary, and walk and not faint.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Tuesday, November 30
Rise Up, and Run
Labels:
Depression,
Good Habits,
Optimism,
Overcoming Temptation,
Repentance,
Storms,
Testimony
3 comments:
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Can you imagine you are alone in this?
ReplyDelete" . . . and yet I still haven't fully integrated the teachings of the Savior in my life."
My dear, do you honestly think that, even striving as hard as you are with the thing you carry, that you are really any different than the rest of us? I will admit to you that I think it's impossible for us to integrate "fully" the teachings of the savior in this short time we are here. And let me tell you - it's shorter than you can imagine, as you will know thirty years from now.
That's why there is a church - a bunch of people who are all covered with mud, trying to keep each other from slipping too badly -
By the way, I enjoy reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteWe all have trials and our Savior is always there with his hands out when we fall in the mud. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Hi: Ran across your blog just browsing. I'm 57, and you sound like you're in your 20s. You have an amazing gift of words and the ability to pour out your feelings on "paper". You also have an understanding beyond your years of what we should be striving for and how to work toward it in our daily lives. BUT -- and this is my own experience speaking -- it seems to me that you are agonizing too much over your failures, sins, and shortcomings. The pain you feel at falling short sounds more appropriate for someone near the end of their life with few opportunities for repentence left, not for a younger person. Please remember that life (usually) is a VERY long time for most of us, and that we become more Christlike through years and years of work and rependance -- not hours or days. We are not expected to be perfect by 30 or 40 or even older. I well remember a conference which Pres. Kimball concluded by remarking that had been an excellent session, and now he was going to go home and implement the things that he had learned. He was in his 70s or 80s and still working on perfecting himself. Do not give up on moving forward, but try to cut yourself some slack when you find that your inability to be perfect NOW isn't working like you wish. We cannot actually achieve perfection in this lifetime. That is a blessing of the Atonement that is completed long after we leave this earth. Our task here is simply to become as Christlike as possible, which is far more attainable.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your journey. Please, please, stop to breathe, enjoy the moment, and experience the joy that we are meant to find on this earth.