The Prop 8 Firestorm Is Back

It's been a week since the 9th District Court ruled that California's amendment to the constitution was unconstitutional. The outlash of emotion bottled since the last foray has erupted, with charged and pent-up anger, frustration, and misunderstanding coloring both sides. Name-calling, deliberate misinterpretation, mudslinging and personal fouls have become the norm of those trying to get their point across... and it's not just in private communique; the public sphere of forums and debates has been laid with traps and mines by zealots on either side, ready to catch anyone so foolhardy as to say an errant word. Both sides are entrenched, ready and waiting for their part in the battle that has already begun to ensue.

But no one can see the fatal mistake. The real enemy has already administered poison by degrees, and it's only a matter of time before both sides succumb.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. - Ephesians 6:12

In the wake of the decision by the court, the Church gave a short news report. It reiterated the Church's position and then, at the end, gave counsel to those involved:

"We recognize that this decision represents a continuation of what has been a vigorous public debate over the rights of the people to define and protect the fundamental institution of marriage. There is no doubt that today’s ruling will intensify the debate in this country. We urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion."

I'm not an expert in communication with respect and civility, but I've tried to become better at communicating with others. In that tone, here are some of the things I do to share my testimony, on this subject, with the world.

1. Don't use metaphors. In the Church we use metaphors and symbols regularly. It helps to compare our thoughts and ideas. Metaphors are always imperfect though, and in heated situations can be taken too literally, and are easily taken for a change in subject. I don't compare same-sex marriage to anything else, or bring up any other topic during the conversation, even if I feel that same-sex marriage is like (insert event here).

2. Use "I" and speak about my own personal experiences and testimony. I do not have authority to make statements of doctrine. But a sincere, honest testimony about the gospel and its blessings always opens doors and hearts far more than pontificating on doctrine and the reasons behind it.

3. Don't bash or retaliate. If the discussion begins to degenerate into slurs or tangential arguments, stay focused on the ideals at hand and focused on my own experience. Don't call names, make remarks about judgment or remarks of others, use sarcasm, or tongue-in-cheek statements... and let them roll off if they are directed at me. People will never listen to epithets, and burning bridges that will always need to be crossed again is the absolute worst way to come unto Christ. Honesty, sincerity, humility, and kindness will always do far more for the cause than getting in the last word.

4. Think twice, write once, edit thrice, and think again. What I write online lasts forever. Literally - forever. Saying the wrong thing, or posting something with an unintended double entendre, will have lasting negative effects. It may be tempting to dive into the fray at ground zero, but often it is far more compelling to think, watch, and contribute only when I know what I have to say is worthwhile. And once I've written it, I stop and think again - not only about what I've written, but about the ways it could be interpreted and the impact it might have on the discussion as a whole.

5. Focus improvement inward - not outward. Sometimes I feel pressured into the trap of thinking that I am the source of truth that needs to be instilled in others. I'm drawn to take my light and shine it as brightly as possible on others, hoping that some of it will enter and change their nature. That's the trap outlined in the opening scene of this post - each side has weapons of knowledge and truth, hoping to use them to advance on the field. That may seem effective in advancing a specific cause, but that's not how it works in helping people change and learn truth. Light and truth doesn't come from individuals. It comes from God, and individually, through the ministration of the Holy Ghost. What that means is that if I want someone to learn truth, I need to create an environment where he can hear the Holy Ghost. In the end, this is what guides what I say and write most.


There is a war raging, and I find myself standing at the front. But my opponents are not protestors or activists, politicians or judges. My opponents are greed, hatred, frustration, impatience, dishonor, misunderstanding, and spite. And hopefully, against those opponents, I can triumph... and in doing so in my own life, make the world a better place.

My Vision for (Gay) Mormon Guy

I visited a site once that had a crazy strict comment policy. Essentially, anything that didn't require intense thought to write wasn't publishable, and was rejected before it even went up. There was a minimum word count. The comments that made it through the automated approval policy were subject to public review on a 1-7 scale... and if a comment got too many low ratings, it disappeared entirely. Post too many low-rated comments, and a subscriber lost his ability to comment at all.

I'm not planning to implement a comment policy like that. The programming involved would be way more than it would be worth, and sometimes I want to leave short, meaningful comments on other sites - just because I want to thank the author. And the word count requirement in the super-strict comment forum meant that people added extra adverbs and adjectives to their posts just to pass the filter requirement.

But I've been wondering about comments recently here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... and I want to try something to see if it makes a difference.

I've thought a lot about not posting simple "thank you" comments. I almost decided today to stop posting any comments that didn't include a question or story for a week. But it's not really my goal to discourage people from expressing gratitude, or any other good feeling, when they can't think of a worthwhile question or experience. It would be like the word minimum that made people add superfluous words to their comments.

So I guess I'll settle for the next best (or maybe better) thing. Sharing the vision.

I invite comments here because I want to create an environment where people can discuss and share their own success stories of faith in their lives. I moderate comments so that people feel safe from attacks... from either side. I'm conservative on what I put here - and sometimes that means that I leave out posts from overzealous members of the Church, gay reparative therapy advocates, gay activists, anti-Mormon preachers, and a host of others. The Huffington Post has vitriolic discussions on gay activism. Exodus and NARTH have forums where you can push and be pushed your flavor of therapy. 

(Gay) Mormon Guy is different. At least, I'm trying to make it different. As much as I can, I'm trying to make it into the blog that I wish I could have read when I was 14, 15, 16... something different from what's available everywhere else... to bring me hope and help me realize that true success - combining incredible happiness, complete obedience to gospel principles, faith, and honesty, no matter what trials I face - really is possible. And not just someday when I die - now... in the midst of life and its everyday chaos.

I'm not an expert on anyone's life but my own. While the principles of the gospel are universal, the journey to success is different for a lot of people. Some come out to the world and then come back. Some find peace in their youth. For some it takes longer. Some search for years. Some people turn to therapists. Some turn to friends. Some people turn to family or anonymous strangers. I have a lot of other problems in my life that I'll never address here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... but the reality of the story is that, for me, moving toward success has been a journey that has taken most of my life... with just me and God as the passengers. (Gay) Mormon Guy is my story. And hopefully something here inspires you to turn to God, follow Him, and write your own.

A (Gay) Mormon Blog

When I started (Gay) Mormon Guy last year, my initial goal was to share my story with other faithful members of the LDS Church whose lives included gay/homosexual/same-sex attraction/same-gender attraction (whatever you prefer calling it) and who wanted help getting out of crisis. My first blog followers came from ads I posted in the gay personals section of Craigslist... located in a few areas with lots of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I volunteered to be a friend to talk to for those who wanted help being faithful. The subsequent flood of responses via chat and email kept me up for days on end - as the online gay community (and the Internet as a whole) seems to come to life at 9:00 and go to sleep around 3:00.

I found that many guys asked the same questions - background about me and how I resisted temptation... how I felt about the trial... my relationship with God. My blog (Gay) Mormon Guy was created to bridge the gap between sharing facts with a large audience (blog postings) and still having a personal connection (personal emails using the comment function or the email listed at "Contact Me").

For a few months I thought that was it. I got frequent emails and comments from readers - mostly men - who were somewhere on the path with me, and I felt like (Gay) Mormon Guy was doing its part. Partially. With every email and comment, though, I realized that there were many, many more men - especially young men questioning their faith - who might need someone's help and support.

I asked the Lord for guidance, and He told me to ask a member of my stake presidency. I was terrified, but I trusted him, and Him, so I did... and he gave me incredibly pertinent, inspired counsel. As for reaching more people, the Lord told me He would take care of it.

General Conference (October 2010) rolled around and President Packer gave a talk that was interpreted in such a way to create a massive firestorm in the gay community, and the gay Mormon community as well. I wasn't aware of the fireworks until a reader of my blog - a girl named Lauren - asked me what I thought about the talk. I spent the next day watching, re-watching, listening, praying, and reading the talk, then posted "President Packer's Talk... From a (Gay) Mormon Perspective."

Someone posted it to Facebook, and within days hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world had visited my blog at (Gay) Mormon Guy, many "following."

Some of the newcomers were men and women who matched my path, and most weren't. One passionate email said that my blog had "degenerated." He said that he went through the new followers and commented that most looked like "Mormon housewives." I have the deepest esteem for women in the Church who make the decision to sacrifice potential careers, worldly acquisitions, and their own personal agenda to instill a love of the gospel into their children. My mother was one of those women... and I plan to marry one someday. I think motherhood is one of the most important, influential works in the world. They are so much more than housewives.

So my blog changed, and it became a go-to for information on my life perspective as a (Gay) Mormon. I started telling more of my life's story and the day-to-day of my life living with same-sex attraction. The nature of my emails and comments changed, too; I still had people asking for help, but now I sorted through hundreds simply saying thank you.

As time has passed, Google, NothingWavering.org, blogrolls on personal blogs, guest posts, and other aggregators have led a new wave of readers - and they have in common a simple desire to understand and love others. Church members in Malaysia. Atheists in China and Brazil. Jewish ministers in the Midwest, Canada, and Great Britain. Gay men and women from the US. And readers from all over the globe. The emails changed again, adding those asking about helping family members - brothers, sons, fathers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends.

Thanks for being here. For opening your hearts and learning to understand what it's like to live life as a (gay) Mormon guy... and especially for sharing your own trials and successes with me. There's nothing better than watching people fall in love with principles of the gospel... and (Gay) Mormon Guy has given me that opportunity.

...A lot has happened in the past few months. A lot has changed. And only God knows what tomorrow will bring.

Rewrite.

So one of my more recent posts wasn't understood by a number of readers. So I've rewritten it here with the hope that it is better communicated. As much as (Gay) Mormon Guy is about my life, the only reason I write is to inspire others... so I'm more than willing to accommodate.

I have a number of close friends who have recently become pretty renowned in their fields for singular accomplishments. We met in varied circumstances - playing football, at concerts, at professional conventions, randomly on the street.

Today my past acquaintances and current friends are the target of academics and professionals, who rave about their unique contributions to the world. They've been listed for awards and gained a following in their own right. But most of the people who follow them know little about their personal lives, the trials they face.. and are quick to make positive or negative judgments about their choices without context.

Some of them are "model citizens" when you look at the outside. They graduated from college, attended graduate school, served missions, are married with children, hold prestigious professional positions, and currently serve in influential Church positions. Many are still moving through life, though, and are unmarried, didn't serve missions, dropped out of college, and don't seem to have a visible substantial influence on others. 

People are defined much more by the trying times in their lives - the individual things they face and the invisible burdens they carry. Which means that,  to an outsider who knows, the non-ideal portions of their lives tell much more of a hidden story about who they are than the number of awards they received at a recent convention.

Through the prophet, the Lord has given us commandments. He commanded all worthy, able young men to serve for two years as full-time missionaries. All men are commanded to get find a wife and get married. We are told to get an education and make a difference in the world. That's the expectation. But many of us live non-ideal lives in that aspect, which opens up the discussion to the universality of principles... and the difficulty in judging actions, applying them to life, and not judging people as a whole.

Whether it's people on the outside looking at a successful guy who isn't married and can't seem to hold a girlfriend, a person who seemingly has it all put together and isn't planning to serve a mission, or a capable couple who has vocally made the decision to not have children, it's easy to find pepper who differ from the norm all around us. Sometimes we don't know about their choices, or don't care. And sometimes, as has happened with some of my friends, their personal decisions have been catapulted to the public realm by virtue or vice of their newly won notoriety. 

When there are strong public opinions on behalf of the actions of those we don't know personally, there are usually two, and sometimes three strongly felt sides. 

The first has already idolized the person and believes nothing he does is wrong. Hero worship. Outside the Church this equates to looking the other way when our heroes do something we don't agree with. Inside the Church it can sometimes lead to email chains from people claiming to have overheard their cousin mention that the prophet had told so-and-so such-and-such.

The other side believes that the teachings of the prophet apply universally and without exception. If he says that young men should get married, he is speaking to all men and overriding any other option. And they sometimes have big issues with the fact that anyone in the public eye wouldn't take the time to follow the Lord.

The third group feels that we shouldn't talk about the topic - again, just look the other way and change the topic when it comes to the personal lives of others.

Either way, we end up having a decision. If we make the decision to judge their actions without context, we quickly find there aren't many options. We can ignore the actions of others, condone and support them, or reject them. But if I judge others unrighteously though, I align myself with one of the above camps - either claiming that God's commandments are not absolute, but relative, optional, and/or dependent on circumstances, or disregarding personal circumstances altogether.

Neither camp is ideal. Here at (Gay) Mormon Guy I get responses from both sides, usually passionate, trying to project themselves on my life. Some people think I should get married immediately to follow the counsel of the prophet. Others think I should do whatever I want. And others think it's wrong for me to even bring up such a personal topic in a public forum. Sometimes people and their judgments are accurate, and sometimes they're not.

But there is another option... one that holds much more power to love and understand others. And it comes when I don't judge people when I don't need to.

The Lord has counseled us to judge righteously - and to "judge not unrighteously... for with what measure ye mete shall also be meted unto you." In most of the cases of my friends, the people on the outside don't have enough information to make a judgment either way... and so supporting them or condemning them are both poor choices. I have one friend who is not married, and doesn't date... but who really, really needs and wants others to help him with that. He needs people who won't give him slack. Without being close, you'd never know that. Another friend didn't serve a mission, but now regrets his choice and wants people to give him the benefit of the doubt. And again, you'd never know from a distance.

So when there are people who I meet who haven't made all the "ideal" decisions, what am I supposed to think? Should I accept their choices? Condemn them? Or just ignore that they even mentioned it?

If I withhold judgment, and learn more about the situation, then I don't have to do any of the three. My friends' choices are integral to the story of who they are - and understanding them also means understanding why they made the choices they did... and who they are now. And if it's at a distance, then I put the thoughts on hold until it's really relevant or applies to my life.

And in my personal life, I stick with God and follow His commandments as taught by His prophets. I take everything they say to heart, and ask the Lord to help me apply it in my life. I may not have an ideal life right now, but the Lord has commanded me and all men to be perfect. Which means that we should all be striving for the ideal... and that we will get there someday.

Why I Believe: The Book of Mormon

There's a new show on Broadway called "The Book of Mormon - the Musical." It was written by a group of men who triumphantly proclaim their distaste for religion through endless sarcasm and obscenity, and its scenes are touted as ridiculing not only Latter-day Saint theology, but the beliefs and faith of religion as a whole.

The musical, which loosely follows the story of two missionaries serving in Uganda, has been heralded by the media as pushing Broadway to new heights of obscenity, profanity, and vulgarity. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be positive. I don't think the message of the musical is positive at all.

I'm not even sure if the writers of the musical ever read the Book of Mormon.

If they did, they didn't get it.

In a world that seems constantly headed for disaster - whether international financial crisis, nuclear catastrophe, international power struggles, or all-out war - people need the hope and peace the gospel brings. They need to know that the Book of Mormon, like the Bible, contains principles of truth that can improve our lives, help us find perspective, and bring us closer to God.

The Book of Mormon has changed my life. It has answered my prayers, taught me truth, opened my heart to others, inspired me to greater heights, dried my tears, and pushed me to serve my fellow men.

That's the secret of the Book of Mormon. It's not that the stories are cool about Ammon chopping off arms or Nephi and Lehi surrounded by divine flames... it's because, with each story, there is a parallel to my life - a principle that I can apply to become a better man. 

Nephi teaches me obedience - I will go and do what the Lord has commanded me, for I know He has prepared a way. Being attracted to guys/having ssa/sga/gay in a family-oriented Church means that sometimes I'm the exception to the rule. But just because marriage is a lot less simple doesn't mean that the commandments change. They don't - and as I forge ahead in my life, sometimes I feel like Nephi - not knowing beforehand whither I should go... but knowing that God loves His children and will be involved in my life.

Alma teaches faith. When I was younger, I knew that God loved me. But I didn't know how I could believe it when looking at my life. I have a desire to believe... and from that desire grew my faith. Today I have faith that, no matter what happens in my life, if I am doing what is right, all things will work together for my good.

King Benjamin teaches service. I find that service - especially unannounced, unspoken, anonymous service - warms my soul and gives me incredible peace. There's nothing better than doing things for others without getting any physical blessings in return. And I find that it helps me organize my life and resist temptation better. Cool.

Ammon and his brothers teach diligence. They went among the Lamanites to preach the gospel, were cast into prison, and continued with faith. When I'm having a rough day, and I wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile, I think back to my own conversion to the gospel... and feel the joy it has brought to me. And that gives me the strength to keep moving forward.

Moroni teaches passion. His fiery letter to Pahoran, his march to oust the king-men and his making of the title of liberty are solid proofs of his zeal in the gospel. If all men were like unto Moroni, the powers of Hell would be shaken... as Satan would not have power to tempt any man. I sometimes think I take after Moroni. Usually I'm pretty cool-headed. But inside I'm hot with passion for the gospel and its principles. And nothing pushes me to action faster than when they are under attack.

Mormon teaches the importance of keeping a record. It's nice to have spiritual experiences, or to learn from the hand of the Lord. But with those experiences comes the responsibility to share what I've learned with others. The Lord commands all men to write and keep a record of His hand in their lives... and that applies to me... and with that record I can share my testimony that God lives and is actively a part of my life.

And Moroni teaches of the importance of having my own personal experiences. The Prophet Joseph taught that a man could learn more from gazing 5 minutes into Heaven than by reading every book ever written on the subject. Reading the scriptures isn't enough for me. I need to have personal experiences - to ask God sincerely if they are true, as Moroni encourages, and to seek the Lord in all things. And it's been true in my life. The Book of Mormon is just a starting point, from which the Lord teaches me more about who I am and my eternal destiny.

Reading the Book of Mormon, and abiding by its precepts, will bring a man nearer to God than will any other book. I've seen that. It has changed me, and continues to change me each day. The Book of Mormon is the word of God and a doorway to receiving revelations from Him. And that's why I believe.

A Drop in the Ocean

As I go down the street each day, I watch the people around me... and I wonder about their lives. What is their relationship with God like? What struggles do they face? How do they find symbolism in their lives and come closer to Christ? And, who teaches them? Who will bless them and change their lives - help them find the strength they need to be saved? There are thousands, millions of people who are searching for faith... and I feel as if I am standing in the midst of a churning, starving multitude, with a handful of bread and some fish... wondering how I could ever feed anyone but myself and maybe a few people on either side.

On my mission I felt the same way. I would watch people go by and wonder about them and their lives... wonder how I could ever make an impact on their families and help them understand the principles of salvation in only two years. So I just went to work.

In the time since, I've realized the true symbolism in the miracle of Christ feeding the 5000. There was a boy with five loaves and two fishes... and Christ took them, gave thanks, blessed them, and gave unto the multitude... and twelve baskets of fragments were taken up after everyone was filled. More often than not, I am the little boy - having brought my meager portion to listen to the Lord... and scared and confused when the Lord asks me to give Him what I have. I'm no one special. My experiences are my own... and often I wonder if they would really help anyone... or if they're worth reading in the first place.

But there are people out there, and so it's worth it... and God takes my loaves and fishes and sends them where He will. From the mother who is concerned about her daughter, to the father who is concerned about his son, to the brother who is trying to come back to faith or the sister at his side. From the niece praying for her uncle or the fathers and mothers wanting to repent and become better spouses and parents to their children... to the 14-year-old boy, wondering how to go on with life, who would normally never even think of googling a search term like "gay Mormon guy." And somehow, something touches their hearts and turns them to Christ, who fills them with His love.

There is still so much work to do... but I'm not alone. There are others who have come with their own loaves and fishes... and with each new miracle, others arrive. And Christ Himself is ever waiting to strengthen & feed all those who come unto Him.

The Index

For the first few months of (Gay) Mormon Guy's existence, many new readers took the plunge into understanding my life by reading all my back posts. "I finally finished reading all your posts..." was a common preface to emails and comments. As time has gone on, and I've kept posting (for better or worse), reading the entire blog to understand who I am has become daunting for any but the most heroic of readers.

So I've decided to make an index of all the posts I've written, with markings to indicate my favorites for newcomers. It's sort of like an annotated summary of everything that has happened, with links to each post in the body of the text - and hopefully, collectively, the entries explain my perspective enough that the bar of understanding my blog is lowered beneath the ordeal of reading everything I write.

Without further ado, the annotated index; my favorite/unique entries are bold. You can also reach the index by selecting "Post Index" along the top...

The Index

Apathy

Sometimes depression hits me like a ton of bricks, leaving me with nothing to do but cry. It makes me feel less than worthless, and nothing in the world can give me peace. I lose my desire to do anything because my mind is convinced (albeit on extremely questionable grounds) that I could never really do anything worthwhile. And if nothing I do can make a difference, then why try?

When depression like that hits, writing is often my outlet, and I find myself here, writing, reading my scriptures, and trying to lift my otherwise downtrodden spirit. And it ends up working and helping me to see deeper meaning in life; it gives purpose to the suffering I face.

But sometimes depression, or something, hits from a totally different direction. Instead of robbing me of self-worth, it simply robs me of my motivation... of the enjoyment and passion and all the emotions I used to feel in life. Things that used to be compelling are tiresome, and the commitments I excitedly made only days before grow into boring lapses of going through the motions. And when I feel that way (which describes me over the last few days), I don't find myself turning to God or to anything for help. To be honest, I don't find myself doing much of anything.

I miss my scheduled workouts, because I don't have the desire to go. And even when I force myself to get inside the gym, I don't ever feel the workout rush. The daily run of life loses all value, and people can tell that I've checked out of reality no matter where I go. I stop calling my friends or returning their calls, wake up late, and find myself going for hours without even a memory of what I accomplished to show for it - only a hugely deadened sense of guilt for having wasted time.

If I didn't completely lack emotions right now, the realization that a feeling of apathy could negatively affect my life would make me incredibly frustrated, or at least concerned. I'd write about my own shortcomings and light a fire beneath myself to make it less likely in the future and give me the tools to cope in the meantime. I've spent years trying to develop patterns and habits, and this is not helping. As it is, I don't really feel anything. And, in my current condition, I'm not sure that I could convince myself that it is worth caring about.

So what is it then that pushes me to write tonight? If it's not a desire to share anything or to work through my feelings or to answer a question on my mind... what keeps me here?

I think it's a sense of idle curiosity - the one emotion that perhaps even a cloak of apathy doesn't kill inside me. Somewhere inside me there's a deeply rooted desire to understand the universe and its workings, and I want to understand what is happening to me. I sometimes lack interest in specific subjects, but this is different. What is this overwhelming, universal feeling of apathy? Where does it come from? Are there precipitating factors in its manifestation? How can I fight it? Should I? Can I? What can I learn from it? How can I help others do the same?

I don't know the answers... and part of me doesn't care. But part of me has already woken up and is pleading for me to find a way to work through it - to read my scriptures and work out and eat healthily and pray even when I feel dead to the world... because they are important. And even in my apathy, I feel the soft whispering that tells me it's true.

I guess that's my answer. Maybe the apathy is just a test to see if I'm willing to push through and stay true to my covenants and commitments even without the immediate gratification that doing and being good often brings. To be who I am even without the carefully tuned desires and emotions that influence me each day. Or maybe it's to help me help others. One of my friends recently told me he felt an incredible sense of apathy, and I wondered what I could do to help... and now I know. 

Who knows. I still wonder about the apathy, but something inside me has woken up to tell me I have things to do. I guess it's leaving after all.

Blogging when there's nothing to blog about

Most of the time I have an idea of what I'm going to post before I begin writing. The topics develop and coalesce as I write, teaching me new things and giving insight into how I feel. Sometimes it's cathartic, sometimes it's an incredible learning experience. And almost always it leaves me feeling better than I began.

But the last few days I haven't had much thought about what I want to write. Maybe it's because I've just been busy, or because this blog hasn't been as pressing on my mind, or maybe it's because I just feel peaceful and I don't feel the pressing need to communicate something to the world.

I guess that's an interesting insight - some of the shortest histories we have in scripture cover centuries by simply saying, "And they lived after the manner of happiness." The Nephites, in particular, have incredible histories documenting their wars, sins, destructions, and dysfunctional government. But their books are almost void of the years and days of peace.

So the last few days have been peaceful. Simple. It hasn't been perfect by any means - but I doubt that my life ever will be, since the imperfections of life are what I came here for. I've just felt the inner peace that comes from living the gospel and putting faith in God.

And so that's why I'm writing - to share the simple witness of the peace in my life. From working at the temple to working in general to working in my callings and among my friends, life is good. And if yours isn't right now, then remember that the storm clouds always clear. They often come back, too - I'll probably slam into depression when this is over - but when the sunlight shines from Heaven it's all completely worth it. And that's why I write.

Book: (Gay) Mormon Guy, the Blog

I've had a gazillion requests from people to write a book. Writing a book and tying it to this blog or pseudoynm would be really complicated and probably destroy any sense of anonymity I could ever hope to have. So I did the next best thing. I spent the last little while during my free time and just took most of my posts and put them in a book. It's called "(Gay) Mormon Guy, the Blog" (yeah, I know - I lack creativity. But it's full of keywords that I already know work well).

It's published through a print-on-demand company called Lulu - they're supposedly the best and they seem to be the biggest anyways... There are hundreds or thousands of books published on them each day. Wow. That's a lot of probably mediocre writing.

Since it's like 250 pages, they wanted me to charge an arm and a leg - the original suggested price was over $25. After searching for a bit I found a way to offer it at the lowest price possible for its size by eliminating my and Lulu's royalties - totaling $9.63 plus shipping. If you really want a hard copy you can buy it there. I know they have coupon codes - Google "Lulu.com coupon code" for a 30% off coupon code or something if you go that route. Or, you can download it from Lulu as a PDF for free, without even having to sign up or anything.

Here's the link to the paperback book:
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/(gay)-mormon-guy-the-blog/14731367
And the link to the free PDF download:
http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/(gay)-mormon-guy-the-blog/14731368

And so that's done. Why would you want an actual book? Maybe because you want to send it to someone who doesn't have the Internet... Except I'm pretty sure most people do. Or maybe you want to put it on your nightstand just to create a stir with guests. Or have to read at the beach if you have a normal phone that doesn't get Internet. I think the free PDF version is nice because now I have a PDF of all my posts in a nice, readable format. But then again, I did have to create and edit them all to get to that point. Whatever. The book is available, and it will be listed on Amazon in a month or two. I don't think I'm buying one.

Chemical Cycles, Depression, Anxiety, Temptation...

I can always tell when I'm slipping in my writing skills - the follower count goes readily down as people realize they don't want to see me in their feed reader anymore. Hopefully with time I'll get better.

This morning I woke up and felt like life was awesome. Within an hour I felt like the world was going to fall in on me. Two hours later, I was on top of the world again, and then another hour and I wanted time just to go away. The next 4 hours were awesome, then followed by the worst low of the day yet, followed an hour later by the greatest high - right now.

What is interesting is how incredibly reactive the pattern seems to be, based on outside forces and their impact on hormones & chemicals throughout the day.

At first I felt awesome, in part, because I was planning to see some friends and exercise this morning. The plans fell through, and I found myself with way too much adrenaline, high hopes, and a high sugar level, and nothing to use it up, which contributed to the subsequent down. The down went away as I began concentrating on a major project early in the day, and two hours later I had hit completion and had instant positive feedback. Then an hour later I felt like I again had too much energy to spare, so I dove into another project, and that one lasted until late in the day. I has major plans for tonight that fell through at the last minute, and I found myself, shortly after dinner, with another adrenaline high, loaded with tons of energy, high hopes, no social life, and no backup plans. So I went to the gym and killed myself, called a friend to talk, and now I feel amazing.

I know that my brain doesn't always follow cycles, but I was cognizant of them today. And since anxiety, depression, and temptation are often based in real, actual, tangible, physical feelings, at least in my case, and the physical body and mind regulate through positive and negative chemical feedback loops... It stands to reason that their results - physical feelings, whether good or bad - are regulated somewhat by those same chemical interactions.

Some of you will probably say, "Duh!" - I mean, if it affects one part of your body, it will affect every part of your body, since it is a complex, synergistic system that has feedback loops going all over the place. And, in extreme cases, we intervene with the cycles with pain medication and antidepressants. But I've never stopped to think about how all of my actions are influences on my feelings, including my feelings of temptation and depression. I think it would be a massive jump to say that self-induced chemical responses could completely control feelings, but looking back at today and the rest of my life, the concept seems way too applicable to be untrue.

On the days that I exercise, pheromones flood my bloodstream, helping to life the veil of depression ever so slightly. At the same time, it frees up energy and unless I find a mental pursuit, temptation strikes. Eating throughout the day moderates sugar highs and the lows that follow, and eating healthily motivates me to do more physical activity. When my mind is focused on a compelling idea, temptation completely disappears. And when I am completely and totally engulfed in physical and mental training - like a physical/mental boot camp I once did - temptations may appear but they don't take root unless I give them time during the wind-down at the end of the day.

That thought puts an even greater emphasis on the importance of doing the little things to better life. Taking time to exercise. Eating healthily, always, without exception - to give my body the best nutrition in the form it needs. Engaging my spirit and mind through scripture study, prayer, meditation, and compelling mental challenges. And interacting socially, even if it means going out of my comfort zone, getting outside, calling a family member or looking up an old friend.

It may not make a huge difference in my life, but I think I am going to try to regulate some of the more apparent cycles in my life... and see how they impact living with my trials. I guess that's one reason to remember to eat breakfast tomorrow.

Finding Direction: the 9th Day of Christmas

With my recent conversations with others about (Gay) Mormon Guy I've wondered about my direction here. I started blogging because, 10 years ago, I wished that I could have found someone - anyone - who was a success story in the making. Not someone who had somehow miraculously "changed" and never had to deal with the issue again, but someone who still lived with it, and never gave up hope. I had never heard of anyone like that. And 6 months ago, when I began blogging, I was one of few who openly and actively raised their voices in unapologetic support of the Church and its teachings. There are dozens of ex-Mormon gay blogs, anti-Mormon gay blogs, and gay Mormon blogs that condone living "your own version of the law of chastity." But what I needed - clear and unapologetic doctrine, hope, and understanding... didn't seem to be available.

I never wanted clinical counseling - it never seemed like a clinical problem. The issue I faced was a choice of will - whether I would give in to temptation or not. Evergreen, NorthStar, and the rest of the unofficial therapy groups that proclaimed their perfection for gay Mormon men and women... never seemed to have what I felt I needed. And other groups (whose names will definitely stay unmentioned) claimed to be for gay Mormons, when in actuality they were as anti-Mormon and pro-promiscuity as possible.

Someday I hope that the need I felt - and the need I am trying to fill with (Gay) Mormon Guy - will find its expression with the strength of the body and within the official channels of the Church... because those are the two things I lack. I can't be a best friend to everyone who needs one. I have a hard time finding and making friends in the first place. And, while I can share my own personal experience and testimony, nothing I say of my own accord is official doctrine of the Church that I love.

I asked yesterday if I should stop blogging here - if it was time to move on with my life - and testimony after testimony bore witness to me of the importance of sharing my witness with the world... trusting in God... and doing my part in the field in which I've been called. The Lord gave me the ability to write, to see His hand in all things, and the strength to conquer my trials each day. All He asks is that I give thanks and share the good news - that peace, happiness, and hope come from living the principles of the gospel and keeping the commandments.

I guess I should have known that He would say that. Press forward with a steadfastness of hope, having a love of God and of all men. At least for now, that's my direction and resolution for the coming year.

Warning: this post is on priorities

Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy.

I've been looking at my priorities lately and wondering where I spend my effort and my time. I write here 2 out of 3 days, am behind on posting 200 comments, listen to and read the scriptures, spend my requisite 8 hours trying to find a way to meaningfully improve the world... But what am I accomplishing? What are my goals in life? And if someone stopped me on the street and asked me to tell them about my life, what would I say? So I've written something that lots of people have read. Maybe helped others in their lives. I guess I just need a change in scenery. Something novel to catch my attention and distract me from thinking too much. I'll take that to the temple the next time I go: dear Lord, what more should I be doing in life?

Reflections On Writing Here

Recently I've been thinking about this blog and how writing here affects me. On the one hand, writing takes time I could be spending learning some new skill, developing better relationships with my family members, dating, doing yard work… On the other hand, writing here gives me a chance to reflect on my life and, hopefully, make a difference in the world.

For the last 100 posts I've written about how being attracted to guys colors and influences my life. Sometimes it isn't hard to find something to address. Wedding receptions where I somehow catch a thrown garter. Conversations with bishopric members and family members who are trying to set me up with total strangers… but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by writing everything from the light of being a (gay) mormon guy.

I mean, a few months ago, the only time I thought about being attracted to guys was in the moment - when I felt attracted to a guy or very not attracted to a girl, when someone asked me about love, or when someone set me up on a bad blind date. Now, it's starting to become part of how I view the world and things that happen to me… I see the world in a different light, and I am constantly composing how I could explain my feelings here. And it concerns me… because, at least to a point, my attraction is becoming more and more a part of my life. I've prayed for guidance, and I'm planning to talk with some of my priesthood leaders and ask for direction, but right now I feel like I'm still doing the right thing. The Lord prompted me to begin writing here, so I'll wait for His call as to when or if I should stop. It crossed my mind, though.

I'm still wondering what I should write here… whether I should just write whatever comes to mind, and let myself just write without a given topic, or continue on the topic of living as a member of the Church who happens to be attracted to guys. At least until right now. Laugh. The Lord is amazing. I was ready to take time to ask Him tonight… but He's begun to answer prayers before I even have a chance to take it up with Him. And He just answered. At least for the foreseeable future I'll be writing about the namesake of my blog. And I'll let the Lord take care of everything else.