Loved and Lost

I met a guy today. He may not remember our meeting tomorrow... but already it's burned into my mind.

At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the conversation. It was just another meeting. Jokes, banter, talking about life and going through the motions of getting to know you before the agenda begins. But there was something more in his words. Most of what he talked about - the stories he shared to illustrate his thoughts - centered on his family. He had been married, had children, and was now divorced.

He wasn't old, but it seemed to me that he was speaking about his family too freely for the divorce to have happened less than a few years ago. And yet, the connection was still there. He still joked about his in-laws. He recounted positive stories of his marriage... and I found myself wondering what had happened. The brief glimpse I saw in his anecdotes of the past seemed wholly different from what I could see across the table. The man I saw was stressed to his limits, trying to prove something to the universe by taking on far more than he really wanted.

What had happened? What pushed him from married life to being yet again single... from balanced stress to chaos?

And then it hit me - not only what had happened, but why I felt I could empathize so deeply with this man I had never met. His friend made a comment, and all the rest of the signs and stories fell into place. He was gay.

In that moment, I saw through the facade and realized how it all fit together. I understood the banter and the sarcasm, the stress and hectic schedule. A guy, attracted to other guys, who tries his hardest to make life work... somehow falls in love with a woman who returns that love... they have a child... and then something happens that pushes them apart. She learns about his attraction to guys... divorces him... he loses the one person he loved more than anything in the world... gives up on trying to stay chaste... and is left to pick up the pieces of his life. A few years pass and here he is, still bearing the signs of wear and tear, but trying to push through life.

I don't know if I'll ever talk to him in person again. But later that day I had tears running down my cheeks... frustrated and wondering how many other men and women felt the same way... betrayed, lost, confused... and, for a moment, I felt like I could understand why someone would just give up when that happened.

Then I saw part of The Vow.

For those who aren't familiar with the storyline, a man and his wife are in a terrible accident that leaves the wife unable to remember anything from multiple years before. He tries valiantly to help her remember, attempts to court her again, drops his job and stays by her side... but she can't remember him, doesn't accept him, and leaves him completely.

I found myself crying a whole lot... exactly what I would be doing if I were in that situation. And after she served the divorce papers, I felt myself in his shoes and wanted... honestly... to jump off a bridge. Just end life completely. I mean, when the person who means everything to you walks away, what else is there to live for?

There's God... which He gently reminded me... and with God life always a purpose. But sometimes that doesn't make it any easier to get up in the morning or not cry yourself to sleep each night.

The realization I had looking at the man across the table and into my own heart... is that I don't know if I have the strength and faith to live through the trials that finding love, and losing it, would bring. I would hope so. But that seems far more difficult than anything I've experienced... and I hope I never do.

To those who have loved and given and sacrificed and lost: may you have the faith and hope to find God in your trials. May He heal your wounds and give you peace. Tonight you are in my prayers.

Will You Kiss Me, Mormon Guy?

To the girl I'm dating: If you read this (or one of your girlfriends hears about the conversation, reads the post, and puts two and two together... which would not be ideal in any way)... please don't share it with the world. Please don't let it ruin your life. Hopefully it helps you understand. Either way, I hope you can support me in trying to do what's right.

I just left a heartfelt conversation with the girl I'm dating and feel like... I can't even find a metaphor.

No. Wait. I can find one. But it may not be a metaphor.

I feel like a jerk.

Dating, for me, is hard. I push myself to date because I feel like the Lord wants me to, because it helps me to have faith that someday I'll fall in love and get married, and because I honestly care about people and want to help them feel loved and appreciated... And in the Church, dating is currently the only acceptable way to make friends with girls I don't really know... since hanging out has gotten a bad rap. But I find that dating women, at least in my case, often causes more grief than I could ever imagine.

There are lots of casualties. Some of them I can explain upfront, at the beginning of a relationship, and that at least puts things in perspective. But there's one that rips me apart more than any other, and has probably been the biggest reason I've broken up with girls in the past... and it happens when my lack of physical attraction begins to show through.

I date amazing women. They are smart, beautiful (I'd guess so at least - I'm definitely not a judge in that world), confident, accomplished, caring, and they love the gospel. I have the desire to help them feel loved, and to never do anything to betray their trust. But sometimes those conflict... so there are divergent camps in my mind on how to deal with the physical aspect of dating. One side says to use dating to try new things, and give women the affection they need. Kiss girls I'm not attracted to, and see if I can get anything to work, reverse frog-prince style. I'm not comfortable with that and don't think it matches who I am. Instead, I'm completely honest in my relationships. I try to send clear signals that accurately relate where I stand, and I don't express physical attraction unless it's there. Which means I don't express physical attraction at all. And that's painful.

Today I had a DTR (defining the relationship) talk with the girl I've been dating. It didn't start out as a DTR, but it steadily went in that direction. I could tell that something was on her mind... something important enough that it was keeping her up at night and distracting her from the rest of life... and so I waited for her to ask whatever question she wanted to ask. I think the only question I wouldn't have answered would be about same-sex attraction. We were in a public place, with lots of people... and that's not something I share with anyone anyway... unless the Lord asks me to.

She asked half a dozen questions, and I felt like the questions answers were benign... but there was one at the end... the one that was pressing on her mind:

"Will you kiss me, Mormon Guy?"

Imagine yourself in my shoes. Kissing her would be enough to assuage whatever concerns she had about how much I cared. It would be enough to help her feel okay walking down an incredibly confusing, frustrating path. It would be enough to help her sleep at night and focus on life during the day.

But kissing her, even just once, would betray her trust and make everything far more painful, because of the implication of that kiss.

I'm the kind of guy that feels that kisses shouldn't be given away like pretzels. It has to mean something. That said, I've changed from my pre-mission thoughts that I'd never kiss a girl until she knelt across from me at the altar. As soon as I fall in love, it will definitely happen. But not before.

So I looked at her, felt like a jerk, and told her no. I wouldn't kiss her... at least not at that point in our relationship. It wasn't a shut-down, but it definitely wasn't a kiss. It was a "that's not where I am right now... but if I get there, then it will happen."

As I went home after dropping her off, I found myself wondering. There are few things I hate worse than causing emotional pain through relationships... and dating me does exactly that. So do I just cut off the relationship because I know it will probably not work anyway, to lessen the eventual pain? Do I let her make the decision of how long to keep dating, without showing physical affection beyond courtesy, even though she doesn't really have all the information (like the fact that I live with same-sex attraction)? Do I just keep going until I personally get a feeling that marriage isn't an option and this isn't going to work? Do I try to move the relationship to a "let's be friends?" And if I keep dating her, what are the terms? How often do I ask her out so that I'm not taking all her time or attention...

...and the questions went on and on and on.

The answer I've chosen is a mix of the above. When I feel like asking her out, I'll ask her out. If not, then I won't. And it'll stay that way until I feel strongly about the relationship one way or another.

And as far as her frustration and confusion... there's not a lot I can do right now. If I fall in love, I'll tell her everything I face and let her choose. But that hasn't happened, and, until it does, I care about her too much to betray her with a kiss.

Paradoxical Dating in the Mormon World

Yesterday at the combined 5th Sunday meeting, our bishop, after a brief introduction, spoke about the importance of dating. I think it must be addressed by hundreds of bishops on 5th Sundays all over the world.

Normally talks like this are from the hip, and are simple encouragements for men to date more and women to be more willing to date. But this time he referenced a number of recent talks given by the Brethren that, taken at face value, were pretty incriminating against single men who aren't actively dating... and my ward is full of them. The end message: If you aren't moving towards marriage (which means dating), you need to repent.

Whenever I listen to discussions on dating and marriage, I find myself asking, internally, which parts apply to me and my life. None of the discussions on marriage I've ever heard have referenced those of us who live with same-sex attraction. I guess it could be for multiple reasons. Maybe those speaking don't realize that some of us are in the audience. But my bishop knows about me, and probably others in the congregation. Perhaps the situation is too complicated to really address, and he's just teaching something that applies to most, but not all. Or maybe the encouragements to date apply to us as much as anyone else.

The few times the Brethren have spoken about homosexuality and marriage, they have very clearly said that marriage is only an option in some cases... which means that for some men and women, it's not an option. Deep attraction to a member of the opposite gender is one of the requirements. But they don't talk about dating. My takeaway from those discussions is that, no matter what I face, I need to be preparing for marriage. And if I do what I should, the Lord will make sure it happens. In my case, I need to be attracted to a girl for marriage to be an option - something that hasn't happened before.

That's complicated enough, except that Church YSA culture is totally different. No one knows that I live with same-sex attraction, which means that everyone, from family to friends to well-meaning strangers have thoughts on what I should do to make me more marriageable. If only they knew. I'm not married, which means that, in many people's eyes, I'm doing something wrong.

That's compounded with the issue that dating, even if it's nigh unto a commandment and expectation in YSA culture, brings with it implied social contracts. Most men don't ask out someone they're not attracted to. The thought of even doing that sounds hollow, false, and cruel. Welcome to my world of dating. When I date, I realize that the girl I take out is going to have a totally different experience because there's no physical attraction on my part. In every case, that has been a huge blow to her. I don't tell girls that, because they then infer that it's just about them unless I tell them it's all girls (which isn't a current option), but it's not that hard to figure out. My dates are as platonic as they get.

To beat the issue, and soothe my conscience, traditionally, I'll only take out girls who are really interested in me (and I'm usually oblivious to interest unless it's extreme) - after they've gotten to know me somewhat, and after I warn them, upfront and openly, that relationships with me can be painful. We have a DTR before we even start dating. Really. I take this seriously. None of them believe me, and it's always painful if the relationship ever goes anywhere. But they all say it's worth it, and at least I know from the beginning that I was open.

So the Brethren teach that all post-mission righteous men should be dating to get married. You can't be a bishop or stake president or professional seminary teacher without being married. Then they speak to us and say that marriage may not be a possibility for some of us... who look totally normal on the outside. Church culture says that if you look normal and you're not dating, you must have something wrong with you - and most of the time the projected sin is pride or fear of commitment. (btw: Are there people who are really afraid of commitment? If I found a girl I loved, I'd drop anything for her. Man up, guys.) And then girls themselves expect you to be attracted in relationships, from the beginning. Pressure from every side.

I think this, and the huge pressures that men face during the post-mission years on this topic, may be why so many men and women with same-sex attraction leave the Church at this time of life. Telling your ward, family, and others that you're gay quickly cuts the pressure to date (in most cases), and leaving the Church distances you from what the prophets teach. And if you ever do date a girl, then she already knows that you're not attracted. You just like that she can keep good conversation, or you want to ask her questions, or you just want someone to talk to.

Someday, I hope that something changes. I don't see the pressure to marry ever abating - it's a vital doctrine. But I'm also not seeing a shift where coming out would be accepted soon in my life or Church culture, though. It looks like a catch-22, where I have to march to the beat of a number of different drummers. It's possible to take a step only when they all beat at once. But, for long stretches, I have to just listen and internalize the dissonance while everyone watches.

My Trials Are No Different

I used to think that living with homosexuality was the worst possible trial that God could give someone. Level one trials were like having a bad day at work. Level two trials were like having a bad job in the first place. Level three, breaking up with a girlfriend. And so on, up and up the ladder of my brain until you reach the pinnacle of mortal trials.

I would have traded my life with anyone, because I honestly thought that I had the worst life in the world. Any trial would have been better. Cancer? At best, you live and are cancer-free. At worst, you die early or live a long, drawn out, painful life. Starvation? Same story. Abject poverty? More of the same. But nothing compared with my life. In my mind, no one could really understand or empathize because, in my mind, their trials were mundane.

And they had so much more help. Support groups, foundations, scholarships, 5K races, public service announcements, government programs, Church programs, charities, and a network of people who have been where they had been and could answer their questions. Name a problem, and there was a system put in place to help people overcome it, or at least find hope.

I had nothing, and my trial seemed impossible where nothing else was.

But I was wrong.

The realization came slowly, as I began to find meaning in my life and learned how I fit in God's Plan. Taken as a whole, my set of trials was different - as every trial is. But taken apart, I saw how the feelings and "micro-trials" I faced each day really weren't all that different from people all over the world.

When I feel confused about my place in God's Plan, I join millions of people looking for truth and seeking God's direction in their lives. When I feel frustration with dating, part of that frustration mirrors that felt by every other young single adult in the Church. When my mind wanders, I exercise the same willpower needed to overcome addictions. The hopelessness from fearing I'll never get married matches, in part, that felt by singles everywhere, but even more closely, those with severe physical or mental disabilities... and the same comparison happens with depression, needs in friendships, trouble understanding doctrinal applications, choosing direction in life... and every micro-trial that makes up same-sex attraction.

Every trial in life, in fact, is made up of micro-trials. I looked at everything the people around me were facing, and saw easily how decomposing their difficulties into the smallest pieces suddenly meant that I could relate to them... and that gave incredible meaning to the scripture I had read in Corinthians but never really believed.

13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I had never believed it because I didn't understand what God meant. He didn't mean that someone else in the world was experiencing the exact same set of major trials that I was. My life, and its trials, were probably unique. But if I looked closely enough, I could find people everywhere who had individually lived, suffered, and overcome the micro-trials that composed my life...

And with that realization came another: my trials had been specifically chosen for me. God had a clean slate to send me into mortality. He could have sent me here with anything. But He didn't. He didn't send me with cancer or to struggle with alcoholism. He didn't send me to Africa or the Middle Ages. He created my life perfectly with the trials and blessings and talents and gifts that I needed to return to Him. And for that I am grateful.

I used to believe that my trials were impossible to understand. That no one could relate or give me useful advice. But the Lord taught that, looking closely at life, there hath no temptation [or micro-trial] taketh you but such as is common to man. Every temptation and trial can be overcome.

My trials are no different.

To Be (Gay) Or Not To Be (Happy)... That's The Wrong Question.

Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other. (Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi, Chapter 2)

The enticement that Lehi described is a curious thing. Sometimes, before we are in the midst of trial, it's easy to just think, "Well, choose the right when a choice is placed before you," but the reality is that, with many choices, both sides have valid arguments. And choosing the right then means being able to see through the mist of darkness and know the will of God. Otherwise making choices would be easy.

Same-sex attraction is no exception. Following are two comments I recently received; I post them here because they represent, in my mind, two of the common thought processes surrounding same-gender attraction... and two of the ideologies that I see perpetuated in others.

First Comment:

Hmm, while you are living your life celibate and doing everything in your power to control your same sex attractions that you weren't apparently born with, I will be spending my life with a man that I love and enjoying what life has to offer while still believing in God. A different God I might add. I feel sorry for you that you think you are doing the right thing and remaining celibate and faithful to church. There is so much more to life, and if you honestly believe that these homosexual thoughts and feelings are immoral and wrong, you my friend are in for a life of loneliness. Sure you'll have your friends, your familys, those that support you, etc. BUT, you know why they support you and remain around you? Because you chose to stay within the church, but just for that reason. Do you think those same people would really give you the same love and friendship if you chose to be an acting homosexual? No. I wish you could just see the bigger picture. And you know what? You can say the exact same things to me and thats just it...Theres nothing I can really say that you can't turn back around. I will leave you with this, you're not a bad person for chosing to embrace your the gay life-style per say being with a man. Everyone deserves to be with someone they are IN love with. It's how life was designed. If God put you on this earth to go through feeling what you do know to be rewarded in the after-life or to overcome these tempations and reign forever, you're mistaken. Getting married to a woman, fasting, praying, therapy, none of that will work in the case of being made whole and getting married. Take a stepouside of the box and see what happens.

Second Comment:

I find that you are a bit off base here. I really respect you for choosing your own path in life... but the situation you write about with the women talking about how they don't want to marry a gay man is real. I have lived it first hand. Trust me that what these women (and all women, especially in the church) are saying here, is not that they think less of you because you are gay, but that they know that deep down you could not make the connection THEY need. 

Love is a two way street, and both ends have to have interest and physical chemistry. Don't overlook sexual attraction in defining love, it's the cornerstone. 

I tried to live a life you are seeking. I got married to a wonderful woman that loved me back, we had so much in common, lived the gospel, tried EVERYTHING, and it didn't work. Deep down, a gay man is a gay man, doesn't matter how hard he tries to not act on those "feelings", it is who you are. And a women can tell, a women needs to see you desire her in your eyes and touch, if not it will feel fake and empty to her, like going through the motions.

Just don't shut out the arguments from "the other side", we're not all out to get you. I truly hope you can find peace with who you are someday, and know that you are loved for you.

The truth of the matter is that both of these experiences are real. Both men wrote to me with the hope that they could influence me to avoid pain that they themselves felt, and find peace that they've found. 

On the one hand, I could be like the first commenter - fall in love with a guy, choose to believe that is the will of God (a different God), and in that belief find pleasure in life, meaning, reconciliation, and companionship. Men have found that.

On the other hand, I could be like the second commenter, and try to do everything right, try to stay strong in the Church, and still fail - even after marriage - and experience extreme heartache and disaster, ripping apart families and leaving chaos in its wake. It happened to him.

Be gay, or be unhappy.

And, in the minds of many of the men I've met, those are the only two options. Stay completely and fully faithful in the Church and be miserable and full of self-loathing, or appeal to "spirituality," claim that the Church isn't true (or at least its teaching on homosexuality), and live an open, self-loving, and free life.

Faced with only those two choices, it's not striking why many men choose to trade the Church's stringent and clear teachings on chastity, faith, and perseverance for something else. 

I found myself choosing between those two choices just a few years ago.

I was doing everything right. I had gone to Seminary, learned my scripture masteries, served a faithful mission, and done everything according to the plan. I read my scriptures, paid my tithing, attended the temple, prayed, and I thought that was enough. So when life gave me only pain and sorrow, I found myself forced to choose between two options. Either the gospel and the Church doesn't really have the power to bring me happiness (and I should choose to follow commenter 1), or I'm simply not good enough and even if I try, I will fail (and my life will be like commenter 2). 

I turned to God for help, and realized that there is a third choice - one that promises far more than any other, but entails a whole lot more work and time as well. In my darkest hours, I learned that if the gospel is not working for me, it is because I'm not using it right - not because I'm not good enough or because God or His teachings are incapable of bringing me peace.

The reality is that Christ came to save all men, and that God has given all men the power to overcome their trials and find true happiness, joy, and peace through living according to His will.

But what does that mean? For me, it meant that I was going to need a whole lot more than 100 memorized scripture masteries and some cliche phrases from the mission. I was going to need much more faith than I was getting from my prayers, and far more guidance than what I was finding in the scriptures. And that makes sense. The Lord gives each of us, if we are righteous, Abrahamic trials - obstacles so massive that they require us to rise to the same level of faith that Abraham did. And he definitely didn't just have two years of mission experience and call it good.

And I'll be honest. For years, I saw only pain in my future. I knew that I was doing the right thing, but nothing seemed to work.

And I don't know exactly when it happened, or when the process began... but my frustration and despair slowly turned into perspective and faith... and today, I can truthfully say that I live a happy life. Yes, I'm nowhere near perfect. But I can see the light shining, and it is finally reflecting in my soul. And I have everything I could want. Fully a part of the Church, fully acceptant of who I am and what faces me here in life, and fully in control of what happens in my life. Life is amazing... and I wouldn't change anything, except to keep going.

Would I love to be married and have a family? Definitely! My goal is to fall in love with a woman, be physically attracted to her (read that last statement again - some people seem to not get it: be physically attracted to her), get married in the temple, raise a family, and work together to make our home and lives a part of heaven on earth. But I've met so many people and had so many experiences that I wouldn't have had if I were married. Maybe there's more that the Lord wants me to do. And in the meantime, the Lord is able to fill my needs - He is omnipotent, after all. It just took me a while to really believe it and learn how to benefit from that power.

So that's the decision I face. Work harder than I ever have, rely on God's grace, and determine how to use the Lord's omnipotent power to bring about happiness and salvation... or give up on reconciling Church standards with my attractions... or try really hard and give up when, after 10, 20, 40 years later, I feel like I'm still failing.

The beautiful promise of the gospel is that no matter who I am, there is a way to make it work for me. The gospel works. If it's not working for me, I'm not using it right. For everyone that seeketh shall find, and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened. The Lord God is no respecter of persons, which means that if His gospel can bring peace, hope, and joy to anyone who learns to use it in their lives, it can bring those same blessings to me.

And that's the option I choose.

Gay Marriage and Anti-Gay Discrimination

Having same-sex attraction as a part of my life has meant, for me, that I honestly care for others who have same-sex attraction as much as everyone else... and maybe even more. I feel a kinship to them. I think that's normal - I feel connected to people who have lived lives similar to mine and faced the same mountains to climb.

I also know that acting on that attraction, like every other action, is a controllable, personal choice. Homosexual activity is not an inborn trait. 

I have no problems with laws that forbid discrimination based on inherent attraction. It actually shocked me when I first realized that situations like that existed - where I could lose opportunities simply because I feel an attraction to other men, regardless of my choices or actions in relation to that attraction. 

And there is definitely still work that needs to be done in that respect. Even with laws, discrimination still happens on a far more personal level... a level that doesn't ever really see the light of day in the modern debates and protests.

I overheard a conversation between a few women who were talking about guys they knew... and one remarked that a guy she had dated was really into fashion. The response to her comment made me catch my breath: "You have to be really careful. Some of those guys are gay... and you definitely don't want that!" The conversation then drifted to stories of family members who had been abandoned by unfaithful gay husbands or fathers, and the frustration and betrayal they had seen.

I've heard those stories before. I know some of them personally. But, perhaps naively, I had never turned them back on my own circumstance. Each of the women in the group made a clear assertion that she didn't want to marry a man who was gay; and, from the tone of their conversation, it was apparent that gay meant not only those who acted on their attractions, but all of those who only had the attractions in the first place.

That would mean that I, by simple nature, would have already been cut from their dating pool... without ever having a chance.

I wonder how widespread that kind of feeling is in the world. 

I definitely don't want to marry an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or someone who doesn't keep their covenants. But would I be willing to marry someone with major trials and baggage, even if they matched me, I was in love, and they had done everything they could to choose the right? Are there things that I would never want in a marriage that, in reality, are just prejudices without substance?

I think the error there comes from the assumption that having same-sex attraction is the same thing as acting on same-sex attraction. But there is a big difference between discrimination based on inherent traits and discrimination based on action. Choices based on action are the core of what I see as society. I choose employees based on their past actions. I choose to serve customers or not based on past actions. I choose which employers to pursue, which restaurants to frequent, which candidate to elect, which church to attend, which people to befriend, and every other social and relational choice based on actions. 

I believe what is outlined in the family proclamation: that the sacred powers of procreation are reserved only for expression between husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded. Anything outside of that - adultery, homosexual behavior, whatever - is a violation of the law of chastity, and I don't support, condone, or endorse sin.

Some of the laws and rulings on gay marriage include protections for religious institutions. But none of them include protections for me... and on that count, society fails to make a major distinction. If I'm a photographer and refuse to photograph a same-sex wedding because I believe same-sex marriage is inherently wrong and do not wish to support it with my time, creative effort, and indirect stamp of approval, today's judges will tell me I'm discriminating against people with homosexual attractions when, in reality, I'm discriminating against homosexual behavior. 

There are plenty of other things that I can legitimately refuse to photograph, but this one is somehow different in their eyes. The same if I won't open a party room to a commitment ceremony in my restaurant, or a guest home for the same reason. Along the same line, I could be relieved of my license to place children through adoption if I refuse to consider homosexuals... and the list goes on. 

I'd be happy to photograph men or women with same-sex attraction. I take pictures of myself already. But not in a circumstance that endorses or condones immoral behavior. I'm happy opening up a restaurant to anyone who supports actions I support, men and women with same-sex attraction included. I'll even place a child for adoption with a husband and wife if they both had same-sex attraction, as long as they were good parents. But I will not condone or endorse immoral behavior, and that has nothing to do with attraction. If asked to place my approval on anything that I don't agree with, I treat everyone and everything exactly the same, regardless of sex, race, gender, religion, or any other trait - because I would not be willing to endorse their actions.

Today's debates gloss over that. Ultimately, they're not talking about the issues that I see as central - the relational discrimination that is still happening, against people regardless of their actions, and the impact of laws on gay marriage. And, if it keeps moving the way it's moving, people will still discriminate against others in their personal relationships, and I'll be the next target of discrimination - the guy with same-sex attraction, who, unlike churches with legal protections, will be barred from practicing or asserting my beliefs about same-sex attraction... because of my faith.

(Drowning in) The Dating Pool

I've seen references in popular culture that claimed all the nicest guys (from a nonmember female perspective) are either Mormon or attracted to other guys; in both cases, the niceness is because they're not interested enough for objectifying to happen, or something like that. I'm not sure where I was going with that thought. Maybe a punch line that highlights being both... but that doesn't sound very compelling. Whatever.

I'm finding myself in a predicament that makes me step back and think. I'm dating more often as of recent - different girls, never really one in particular - and early in dates I sometimes see things that are major red flags. Lifestyle choices that are in direct conflict with mine and attitudes that are sometimes exactly opposite what I'm looking for in an eternal companion. Some of my dates are setups by others; some are spur-of-the-moment events when I can tell a girl is interested, and rarely there's actually something in a girl's personality that makes me think it's worth looking in to. The problem I face is this: how long am I supposed to give someone a "chance" in dating? How long should I put aside my lack of interest, or frustration with habits or lifestyle, to see if maybe sparks will miraculously appear where there is nothing, or should I even wait at all? Should I indulge the subconscious list of important ancillary traits or do none of my own personal feelings really matter?

Obviously some of my feelings aren't crucial. Wanting to find someone who can sing beautifully isn't really key to bliss in this life or the next. But I'm wondering where it all fits in with me. I've never fallen in love with a girl before. I have no idea how it will happen. But, if/when it does, that really shouldn't be enough to completely base an eternal relationship - even if falling in love is a miracle on my part. All the books and classes and conversations say that compatibility is a huge key in determining future difficulties in marriage. Yeah, a super-valiant guy can marry a super-valiant girl and make it work, but I'm already going to have to work a whole lot to make an eternal marriage work, considering the stories I've received from men and women who are doing the same thing. Worth it? Definitely. But hard? Much, much harder than they imagined when they set out, even with eyes open to the obstacles in the way.

I guess I'm trying to balance a few opposing ideals:

Dating for the sake of dating: getting to know others, having fun, identifying characteristics I can improve or that I may want in a future companion.

Dating to find compatibility: finding and dating people who closely match the traits that are important to me for raising a family and living the gospel.

Dating to fall in love: when a red flag comes up, staying in a relationship anyway, until I'm somewhat certain that I'm not going to fall in love, even with work.

Dating according to the Lord's guidelines: any girl is date-able if she is striving to be faithful, keep the commandments, follow the Spirit, and preparing to be a mother.

Dating while trying to adhere to the social norms everyone else follows: I don't think most people would date someone they are totally not attracted to. But, barring that difference, is it okay to go on three dates with a girl just for the sake of dating? I think that people usually drop potential dates when they see lots of red flags, unless there's something really compelling about the girl. They don't ask girls out again if they're completely uninterested.

I guess that opens up another avenue of questions. I don't think I've ever asked men who live with same-sex attraction, who knew about it during their dating years, who also fell in love with women and are happily married, how they approached dating. Obviously something worked for them, and while each circumstance is different, focusing on the success stories and their process might shed light on best practices.

Thoughts? What works for you in dating? What doesn't?

LDS Temple Marriages

Mormon weddings are amazing. The wedding party is small - usually just close family and a few friends - and the ceremony itself is only a few minutes long. And in those few minutes, a boy and girl go from best friends to eternal companions.

Sealing ceremonies, for me, have always been a bit bittersweet. They're incredibly happy, but for a long time I wasn't. I thought that I was. At the reception, I smiled, helped, and gave my own personal congratulations, but inside it was all I could do to keep from crying. And on the drive or flight home, I usually did.

I realize now that the root of my pain was fear. Fear that happiness would never really find me, fear of the unknown future, fear that I had done something to deny me of blessings eternally. But all the fears surrounded one - fear that God wouldn't fulfill His promise to me, and to all His children, to grant me every blessing if I am faithful.

I knew the gospel, and I could recite the promises by heart. And, to the outside world, I lived by its every teaching. But I didn't believe it. I hadn't been willing to trade my fear for faith... and because of that, the gospel didn't work for me. It didn't bring me happiness.

Weddings are still bittersweet. They still highlight the greatest blessings of the gospel, and by so doing, highlight the fact that I'm not married... and that I'm not even attracted to girls in the first place. But instead of making me believe it will never happen, or that happiness is conditional upon fulfillment of my own desires, temple weddings now highlight the miracles that God does in everyone's lives. In every story of husband and wife, there are miracles - proof that God is in details. He's promised that if I'm faithful (and do absolutely everything in my power), those same miracles will happen in my life.

So now I smile, give my congratulations, and then go home and give thanks. I'm just waiting for my turn.

Preparing for General Conference - Oct 2011

Life has totally run me under the last few days. I woke up on Saturday and someone asked me, "Mormon Guy, is it fast Sunday tomorrow?" Fast Sunday at the end of September??? Why would they ask? There must be something happening next week. Wait. The first weekend in October. General Conference. General Conference is next week!?! Oh, and "No, Fast Sunday is usually the week after when it moves in this stake."

Now it's four days away, and I'm scrambling to compose the questions I need answered - to find the theme of my preparation. Conference is awe-inspiring in how personal it always feels... how personally the talks apply to my life. It often feels as if each person is speaking directly to me, out of the millions watching, and answering my questions given to God in the weeks preceding.

I guess the biggest question I'll be asking this time around is, "What next?" A year ago I asked for help touching people's lives through this blog and this message... reaching the people who needed to hear the message... and (Gay) Mormon Guy went viral just days after Conference, with the huge interest generated by President Packer's talk. In April, with the recent influx of tons of new readers from CJane and other sources, I asked for direction in framing what I write - who should my audience be? And the answer came as I remembered the individuals... the guys and girls who, like me, live each day in the moment and just need someone who cares and understands.

I feel like maybe I need to do something more... and that's the basis of my question. I date and it never goes anywhere... either I get shot down, or I can tell that some girls are definitely interested... but I don't reflect the passion. I'm not sure which way to go with (G)MG, and then I have a major professional choice that is looming in the not-too-distant future.

So that's my question. Or sum of questions. What next? What more should I be doing? How can I better help others, share the gospel, and accomplish my purpose in life? And since every Conference I've always heard the answers to my questions, I'm convinced the trend will live on.

A Spark.

A Spark.

Is it fake? A fantasy? A surrealization of what cannot be? Or is it real, and miracles do happen?

My heart is light, my eyes are bright, I woke up smiling while I slept last night. Can it be, that a girl can be the focus of my mind?

I see her lips, the way she laughs, the passion shining in her eyes; her voice surrounds me as it echoes in the dark.

And this morning, I give thanks, whether true or just a glance, to God on high... for He has let me feel a spark.

Mormon Guy

Too Busy For a Wife?

I was talking with a group of guys earlier this week and the conversation turned to wives, girlfriends, and football. It all seemed like banter until one guy said, "You know what the problem is, Mormon Guy? You're too busy for a wife. And you don't need one." He went on to outline the reasons why I was too busy, and then detailed all the external factors that stood in the way of girls who might be interested - the things that made it obvious to onlookers that I was somehow self-sufficient and had no room for romantic female companionship.

I'd discount his comment as a trite and light-hearted way to poke fun at my unmarried state and the rest of my life, but I think he was only partly joking. And I've heard it a few times before... and hearing things always makes me wonder how I should be applying them in my life.

The scriptures say that men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will and choice. I date, even when I have no desire to. I talk with girls and try to find more people to add to the dating pool. I improve my list of talents so that someday I'll match the subconscious list of Prince Charming for whichever princess really becomes the recipient of true love's kiss. And while I'm waiting, I am trying to move forward in life. I'm not waiting for life to begin or insisting that God grant my desires before I begin to make a contribution to society; as I make that contribution, I know that He will bless me and make me into a better man.

But there is a difference between engaging my priorities on work... and working on my priorities towards engagement... especially for me. With a normal guy, love could catch him by surprise - sort of as a side effect of the rest of life, sometimes in spite of not dating or actively searching for a wife. But in my case that won't happen... at least I don't think so. I don't think that the Lord is going to just someday make me fall in love with a girl at first sight and we'll live happily ever after. No... I usually have to work for my blessings, and then the miracle comes... in such a way that I know I really had nothing to do with it, and was probably going in the wrong direction, but it comes. And the miracles in my life come when I am anxiously engaged in doing the right things - not just good things, but the right things. The things that God wants me to do.

So yeah. I think I need to spend more of my effort dating. That thought makes me cringe. But maybe I can convince myself that I love dating by telling myself some of the good things about it.

I love dating because it enables me to change people's lives. I've been an impact for good through dating... and I love dating because it changes me into a better man. I love dating because I learn about people and how to meet their needs. Because I get to do fun stuff with others and make friends. I love dating because I sometimes can set up past girlfriends with current colleagues... and see them hit it off... or make contacts for business or involvement in the community. I love dating because when I date, and get home, I feel like I've accomplished something important in my life... and God promises me that it will work out - not just generally, but in my own personal life. It will work out for me. I love dating because it teaches me to be a better missionary... it helps me see and understand the trials people are facing and develop the tools to help them. And I love dating because it gives me a chance to bear my testimony... to share the gospel with someone and see their eyes light up as they gain a new insight on the truth.

I love dating. At least I'm trying. And hopefully my friends were wrong... and I have plenty of room in my life for dating, and a wife.

Looking Forward to The Day When...

...everything will work out.

I've had a bunch of conversations recently where, out of the blue, the conversation turns south... and people make jokes and crude references to being gay. I really have never gotten the humor, but that's probably because they aren't really funny to someone who's been there. Sometimes I think it's ironic that the only people who make crude sexual jokes have no idea how their jokes impact people around them... or the real meaning of the words that roll so easily off their tongues.

I definitely don't judge people for that - today's culture is full of sarcastic remarks, sardonic references, and sexual analogies galore. That it only rubs off partially on professionals is nice; I'm glad they don't perfectly mirror society's vision. But I still feel totally and completely left out. I feel left out when my bishop says that everyone in the room should want to date girls, and when my stake president echoes his remarks. I feel left out when I'm in a group of married guys who are talking about their children and their wives... and I have no desire to even go on second dates. I feel left out when I see family members get married, others date and fall in love, and others go through romantic encounters every other week.

And even though I know that someday it will all work out - I'll fall in love with a girl, be attracted to her, get married and begin a family... I still sometimes wonder when that will happen. And I'm definitely looking forward to the day when it will.

Somebody to Love

I talked with a girl I was dating once about the things she was looking for in a guy. (Yeah, I know that most guys wouldn't ask that kind of question. But I ask girls anyway. It keeps me humble.) She mentioned that she had a list of qualities she had used in the past... but now was just looking for someone who could & would love her completely. Someone who could meet her physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social needs through love. I knew the context was important, because I definitely was not meeting her needs... But her comment made sense. You need someone who loves you. I thought it was ironic because that's never been my problem. I have a list of qualities, too... but I've tossed it out the window for one overarching trait. In my mind, I was looking for exactly the opposite - somebody to love.

Every relationship I've had so far has been one-sided. A girl is interested in me, so I give it a chance. More than a chance. I throw myself into the relationship headlong, do everything I can think of to summon romance in my mind, and ask God to help me fall in love. We continue to date until I realize that the miracle I need to fall in love isn't coming, and she realizes that she needs more than I can give on my own. Then we part ways, I start dating someone else, and a few months down the road I get a wedding invitation. The girl I dated is now happily married... has found somebody to love and be loved by... and I'm still totally single. It's happened more times than I care to count.

I haven't been concerned in the past, because I'm pretty sure that I'm doing everything I can. I ask girls out, try to get to know them in every way, use every skill and technique taught in marriage prep class... and still nothing is there. If I'm doing everything I can, then the Lord will bless me and make up for my lack.

But recently more and more people have been telling me that I need to change my attitude about dating... and I've been wondering if they're right.

Most of them are random people that I don't know very well, who assume that being my age and (still) unmarried is always due to a lack on the guy's part. They assure me that I have plenty of talents and skills, then tell me to "be realistic" and to "not be delusional" and "just find a girl with whom I am compatible" and "just make a choice and stick with it" - all of which may sound like great advice to someone who is married and in love with his spouse, but is nonsensical to a guy who has never been attracted to girls in the first place and is dating notwithstanding the difficulty that creates. I just smile and nod. And if I can't have a decent conversation and help them realize that sometimes the Lord's timing enters into play (ie - sometimes men and women are doing everything they should, but are still unmarried because of the Lord's timetable in their lives - even in middle or old age) then I change the topic or leave. Everyone runs into people who have good intentions and want you to succeed, but give advice that is too general to be really useful. Having a lot of problems myself has made me much more cognizant of the advice I give... and the potential difficulties in the application of that advice.

Some others are family members who are honestly concerned... who feel I should be married by now... and who find themselves wondering why I haven't found a wife. They don't know about (Gay) Mormon Guy or that my core issue is a lack of attraction to girls... but they still care. A family member commented on my dating life or the first time - mentioning that maybe I was somehow setting myself up for failure. Another asked what I was looking for in a wife. Another asked why I went through so many girls, especially when all of them were cute, talented, smart, spiritual, nice...

And I honestly don't know the answers. I've never found a book or even an article that outlines what I'm supposed to do in the dating world when I feel like I don't fit in, or that could give me the answers. The prophets have never said whether guys like me should date girls, or if they should just pull out of the dating scene altogether... leaving me and a whole lot of other people with a lot of questions. And maybe that's a good thing... because it means that I have to rely on God completely... and it also means that we shouldn't be judgmental of the people around us... especially since we can't understand the problems they face.

So, with the advice of well-meaning friends and family members in my mind, I asked God for His thoughts on the situation. Is there something that I'm missing? Am I being delusional, or unrealistic, or setting myself up for failure?

The only answer I've gotten is to keep moving forward. Which, at least in my perspective, means meeting new people, dating, reaching out, learning new things, trying to improve myself - trying to find somebody to love.

Wishing

The Sunday School discussion today began with a question - what gift do you want most in life? I began thinking about what I would ask God for, today, if He gave me the opportunity to ask for anything. Sort of deep stuff, if you ask me - not something that I can conjure on the spot. I mean, there are things that might be nice, but what would I really want? Greater faith? A greater ability to find people who need my help? Guidance in making decisions in my life or having an effect on the world? Then I realized that all the rest of the gifts desired by my classmates as they were singled out were physical objects. A pink car. A moped. A pet. My ward realizes that I'm... um... incredibly passionate about the gospel, but I didn't want to make people feel awkward... or make them think that I was holier-than-thou... Long story short, when I was suddenly called upon, I didn't have an answer ready that I thought would match the theme and was actually something I wanted, so the class decided that I wanted a wife. That's a single's ward for you - always focusing on marriage. The wish was actually accurate, and definitely in line with what the prophets and God want for me someday.

I've wanted to grow up and be a husband and a dad since I was a little kid. To be the epitome of romance to my wife, surround her with beautiful things, and spend late nights planning out our lives together and talking about the wonders of the universe. To wake up in the middle of the night and let my wife sleep while I hold a crying baby... and then hours later watching him sleep quietly in my arms. To be there for my children when they skin their knees, or fail a test, or when they triumph over the world and can tie their own shoes or walk home from school without getting lost. To be there, waiting, after their first date, and to see them gain a love of life and a passion for being in the world. To lift them from depression and teach them the gospel and walk with them late at night, just talking about God and His hand in all things.

When I got back from my mission, I wanted nothing more than to find a wife and get married. It didn't happen, and for a while I've felt a mixture of guilt, hot jealousy, frustration, despair, longing, optimism... my emotions shifted from one side to the other. 

But as the class went on, I realized that my burning desire to get married and have a family didn't have nearly so poignant a flame as it did in the past. Yeah, I still find myself jealous of the "you make me into a better person and I love being around you" monologues that come at the end of novels and film, but somewhere, deep inside me, I think I am finally becoming okay with following the Lord's timetable, instead of pleading with Him to consider mine. I've begun to honestly believe what the Lord promises - that the righteous will receive ALL blessings at His hand, in His due time. I used to be afraid of not getting married... afraid of being alone for the rest of my life... afraid of never being a father or a husband. But the Lord promises that every man who is righteous will fall in love, find a wife, be sealed in the temple, and have children - whether in this life or the next. And, as long as I am doing my best, God will take care of me and give me every blessing I need.

I'd love to find a girl tomorrow and fall madly in love with her. I want to have a family here and give everything to them. And I believe that it will happen. But whether or not it happens today or tomorrow or in a hundred years doesn't change the decisions I make in the meantime to keep the commandments and rely on the Lord. And it doesn't change the fact that I can be happy - no matter what does or doesn't happen in life... and that I can move forward from wherever I am to become better.

Homosexuality Isn't Just About Sexuality

"Diagnosing" same-sex attraction relies on biological signs - men who are sexually attracted to other men, and not to women, and vice versa. But as I've lived and learned from my life, I've realized that same-sex attraction, especially for faithful Mormon members, is not just about physical urges. Sexual attraction only tells part of the story.

When a good Mormon guy is dating a girl, he is usually looking for "chemistry" on multiple levels. Physical attraction - which is somewhat arbitrary and often independent of any third-party assessment of beauty. Intellectual attraction - the desire and ability to understand, know, and share the mind and thoughts of another. Emotional attraction - the desire and ability to understand and share their feelings, hopes, dreams, passions, and loves.

Each desire for attraction comes out of an innate need for intimacy in each context - physical, emotional, and intellectual. But, like attraction, intimacy isn't a need that someone can just choose to fill, or to have filled. They have to fit the part. Intimacy - physical, intellectual, and emotional - is a specific need that can only be met in specific ways.

Now switch to my world. And realize that I am not only physically attracted to men... but intellectually and emotionally tied to them as well. Just as in the case above, my needs for intimacy are tied to gender. And trying to make them fill themselves doesn't work all that well.

I can stand next to a girl I'm dating, put my arm around her, run my fingers through her hair, and whisper in her ear. But when I do, I'm just going through the motions. Trying to light a fire that hasn't yet seen daylight. And eventually I have to give up, because my physical need for intimacy hasn't been met. 

I can sit on a staircase talking with a girl for hours, sharing everything about me and learning everything about her. But when the night is over, I still feel like I don't understand her, or like she understands me. I'm trying, but it isn't working. And eventually I have to give up, because my need for intellectual intimacy hasn't been met.

I can share my dreams, my passions, my hopes, and my fears with a girl. I can open up and show her the secrets in my heart - the things that I care about most - and talk about how the gospel and my relationship with God has made me who I am today... and listen to her do the same. But at the end of the night, I feel like a missionary - not a lover... and while I have come to love her, it's no different from the love I have for anyone else. I'm still trying, but it isn't working. And eventually I have to give up, because my need for emotional intimacy hasn't been met.

At the same time, I feel a pull towards other men... and doing any of the above things with them fills a void that always seems painfully empty. But the pull doesn't always involve powerful, passionate feelings of lust. Sometimes it's a powerful desire to understand their minds. Sometimes it's a desire to know and support their dreams and hopes and passions. But it's always a desire for intimacy in some way - a need that seems like it will never be filled any other way.

This is what the gay community is talking about when they say "homosexuality isn't about sex." It's the reason why some who live with same-sex attraction choose to have monogamous long-term relationships, and the glue that sticks them together when the physicality of that relationship ends. Homosexuality is about sexual attraction. But it's also about emotional attraction, and intellectual attraction - attractions based on basic needs which, unmet, have far more pressing effects than does celibacy.

Physical celibacy isn't a new thought for society, especially for religious people. The expectation from God is that men and women will practice complete abstinence outside of marriage between a man and a woman, and complete fidelity in marriage.

The ease of keeping that commandment, however, depends a lot on hormones and available avenues to righteously fill part of the need for physical intimacy. Once hormones turn on, most guys and girls can cuddle, hold hands, kiss, and look each other in the eyes and feel pretty good about their needs being met. But with same-sex attraction it doesn't work that way, at least not in today's society. To try to righteously fill my need for physical intimacy, I have to find ways to make do in everyday life. A handshake with someone at Church. Sitting next to a guy in class. Standing near a coworker at work. None of those sound at all romantic, and they're not. They're just as un-useful in filling my needs, but they're also all I have. Which is why pornography is such a huge problem among young men with same-sex attraction - even those who will never be sexually involved with men. At this point in my life, the only positive way I can think of meeting my needs for physical intimacy would be playing huge amounts of direct-contact sports.

So I'm physically celibate and lack physical intimacy. I try to choose the right and follow the directions of the prophets, which exclude most of the activities that people use to fill their need cup... They essentially ask me to keep my cup half empty. So I turn to the Lord and He takes care of me, as He has everyone who faces this. With Him, I can do it. He's asked me to. What isn't explicit in the talks given by the Brethren... but is perhaps even harder... is emotional and intellectual celibacy. Something that, explicitly, no one would ever wish on their worst enemy... but still happens as a side effect anyway.

You remember, talking with a girl does nothing to fill my need for emotional and intellectual intimacy. But most guys don't want or need emotional intimacy with another guy. They don't need intellectual intimacy with another guy. And, for whatever reason, many of them have significantly lower needs for intellectual and emotional needs for intimacy in the first place. One reader here put it like this: "You're asking for a relationship that some guys aren't comfortable having even with their wives." I can have passing meaningful conversations with guys, or try to share my dreams, but, again, it never fills the void.

And then I'm at a turning point. And, just as with physical intimacy, there are multiple options. There are other guys who have innate emotional and intellectual needs that match mine - other guys who live with same-sex attraction. But while finding a guy with whom to be intellectually and emotionally intimate might work, is it the best option? And what would be the guidelines?

I've done a lot of thinking about this topic lately. And reading. And praying. The direction from the Brethren is the same as it always has been - be morally clean... which sometimes seems like it isn't enough direction, but in reality is. It means to never put myself in places where my morals could be compromised. To never make exceptions. To stay clean. And, in my case, it definitely means that dating guys, tying physical intimacy with the intention of finding one to partner with, is not an option. I'll have to find emotional and intellectual friends the normal way, and slowly grow our friendships to find best friends to eventually and severally meet my needs. But in my case, because of other factors I won't mention here, even that won't work. Developing those intimacies hasn't worked at all - not even casually.

And so I find myself alone, without the ability to fill any of my needs - individually or severally, and yet told by the Church to be happy, for the rest of my life... with no one who understands. For a while I wondered how that would ever be possible. And then, one night in prayer, I was talking with God and I realized that, with all my pleading, I had never truly had the faith to give Him my life, say, "Thy will be done," and ask Him to help me. So I did. I asked, and for the first time in as long as I could remember... I felt peace, love, hope, joy... and the powerful mixture of feelings I'd expect would come when someone who I love completely embraces me and knows my heart and soul.

Being Mormon with same-sex attraction has far more consequences than a sexual drive directed towards men. I have specific, incredible, important psychological needs that can't be met any other way than by through a guy... and through God. But the incredible truth of the gospel, and of the power of God, is that meeting those needs, and living the gospel, and being happy, is possible in my life... even though they may never be met by a mortal... because the Lord will always prepare the way.

And Then.

Sometimes I think I'm done with this. That I've moved on, somehow finished this trial, and it will disappear, leaving only a memory and an empathy possible in no other way. Time goes by and I find myself engrossed in the world of work, dating, and everything else that takes precedence in social life. I look out through my lens into life and the world and, almost, feel like everyone else. My blogging here at (Gay) Mormon Guy slows, as my mind moves in other directions, and it crosses my mind more than once that I could never come back. Part of me always entertains the hope that I won't... that this will be my last post and I can move on, disappearing into society like every other success story. And then.

I get a handful of emails from people who share their own experiences... and relate how reading mine has done something in their lives. They write of prayers, of fasting, of newly found hope and faith, of change and of peace. And I feel a kinship. A love that wracks my heart and burns me inside... unwilling to leave me alone or let me be silent. And suddenly I am consumed with a desire to do something to help others, to open my mouth, even when another voice inside me just wants to disappear, live my own already-too-messed-up life... and somehow stop caring. "It would be easier that way," the voice says.... But true love doesn't work that way. Meaning doesn't come from watching life from the sidelines. I learned that on my mission - when the Lord shows me His love for others, I am irreparably linked to them. Blessed with their successes and bruised with their defeat. They consume my thoughts and direct my passion... with no vacations, breaks, or leaves of absence. And it keeps me alive. So I look outward, and recommit myself to making a difference, even if I've moved on. And then.

I start dating a girl even though I feel no physical attraction... because I think that maybe we could have an emotional or intellectual bond that could then develop and grow... and she feels the same. And maybe it will. Time can only tell. But then I realize I'm more interested in my relationship with and attracted to a guy in my ward in every way than I am to her... and my mind falls to pieces. 

I've never wanted anything but friendship from other guys - this guy included. The attraction complicates everything. On one side, if we stay casual friends, that would be great with me. Amass enough casual friends, and eventually I'll find good friends, right? The likelihood of finding best friends isn't very high anyway. The other side of me pushes me to try - to do something to ensure that when circumstantial friendship ends, there is still something there. In both cases - with the girl I'm dating and the guy I just want to befriend. But almost every time I've tried has failed... in one way or another. And my relationships are often full of stress and tears anyway... even for my family. Maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe I'm not worth it.

And then.

The Lord tells me that I am. Worth it. Worth whatever pain it took... to Him... to help me become who I am today, and who He sees in me. And maybe this time it will work out - maybe I'll find good friends and a future wife and live happily ever after. Maybe not. But someday it will happen. And as long as I'm doing the right thing, what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or even for the rest of mortality, doesn't matter. The Lord will make it work out in the end, and in the meantime, it will all be worth it. I'll do my part... and then... He will do His miracle.

It's Really Not *That* Hard

Not to discount some of the hardest trials I have ever faced in my life, but being a faithful member of the Church while also being attracted to guys really isn't impossible. Nor is it as hard or mentally trying, faith-deprecating or paradoxical as many people think it is. For most of the day, each day, it doesn't affect me. Yes, I am a male in an extremely overstimulated, oversexed society. There are times when it is incredibly hard. But even when people are trying to set me up, others unknowingly say or do something callous, I wonder when I'll ever have a family, and I'm way too attracted to the guys around me, it all subsides eventually. The sun comes out, the feelings temper, and faith, in the end, wins every battle. Even with the issue of looking toward the future - and potentially consecrating it to God instead of following my hormones - isn't all that hard today. If I'm living each day in the present, leaving the future in the Lord's hands, I have no qualms about keeping the commandments today and knowing that He will take care of tomorrow.

I'll agree that, at the same time, it does take work - it takes time, determination, persistence, and faith, but that's the same with everything in life... my life included. I have other problems which are not of this blog, and them also I must solve. I don't think that I or anyone can survive in today's world without gripping tightly to the iron rod - whether our lives look perfect from the outside, or are entrenched in chaos within.

I get a lot of emails and comments here at (Gay) Mormon Guy from guys who express the feeling that it's too hard to live a faithful life with this trial. That their faith and righteousness, keeping the commandments, and staying true to the things that they have learned from God... is impossible without somehow changing their sexual orientation. They think that if they were attracted to women, living a righteous life would be possible, whereas in their minds being attracted to guys makes it an impossibility.

I believed that once - but in my case it was because I believed, erroneously, that being attracted to guys was a curse... and since it says very clearly in the scriptures that all those who are cursed brought the cursing upon themselves, then I had somehow brought it upon myself... and its continued existence was proof of my uncleanliness before God.

I now realize the deception in that belief, and its equally deceptive counterpart on the other side of the truth. On one side, I am cursed, and will not be acceptable in the eyes of God until I change everything... which is sort of impossible. On the other side, I have no need to change, and God will accept me without asking me to change who I am. One is predestination to hell, the other is predestination to heaven. Both are completely and totally false.

The reality is that I came to this world and still had a lot to learn before I could return to God. Like happened to Adam and Eve, my life became a probationary period to change (repent) and become like Christ... and the world, and my circumstances, were cursed for my sake. Cursed for my sake. Cursed so that I could learn and grow and change to become like Christ. I was not cursed. Mortality was cursed, so that I could one day be saved.

God has the power to change anything He wills. He could change my heart, heal my wounds, and take away my trials. He could calm the tensions of the world, feed the starving children, solve the crises of nations and my own personal soul. But He doesn't. And why? Because it is for my sake. He created a fallen world so that I could grow and learn, then gave me the tools to affront every difficulty, counter every attack, and resist every trial that came my way. "There hath no temptation taken [me...] but such as is common to man... but God is faithful, and will not suffer [me] to be tempted above that which [I] am able."

God created this life to be hard. Someday, I'll even die from life being so imperfect. But living the gospel, following the promptings of the Spirit, keeping the commandments, and turning to God, have always and will always be possible and within my reach, no matter what imperfections life throws my way. Life is hard, but it's really not that hard... since the deck is stacked in our favor. The Atonement really is infinite - there is no clause that makes exception for or excludes anyone from the dual gifts of justice and mercy. Which means that God is on our side. And with Him, when we follow His commandments, all things are possible.

Confusion

I feel confused. And lost. And I'm not sure what it all means.

Here's a glimpse into the turmoil in my mind... at least a part I can share here:

A few days ago I felt something for a girl - something different than I've ever felt before. It was an amazing experience... and while it was happening I wondered what it meant.

I've never been attracted to girls, and yet I know that someday I'll find a/the right girl, fall deeply in love, be married in the temple for time and all eternity, and have a family. I understand all the pieces after the falling in love part... and I've always wondered how that would work. In my mind's eye, I knew it would probably take a lot of work anyway. I envisioned developing an emotional and spiritual relationship with someone, then finally, one day, getting hit by a spiritual clap of lightning, something like cupid's arrow that would change me and make me in love in the places I can't.

And so the feeling I felt, for someone I had only barely met, made me wonder. Was it going to be easier than I thought? Was this a somewhat subtle sign that I had found someone that it might work out with?

Just one issue - she wasn't available to date and wasn't interested in breaking her current exclusivity. So when I asked for her number, all I got was her name.

I was somewhat confused. Um... normally when the Lord gives me some type of sign there's also an open door - not total rejection.

Then I realized that maybe it was something different. Maybe it wasn't a sign of finding the "one"... but just proof that I was slowly becoming attracted to girls as a whole - something that sort of scares me. I've already done the dating thing for years. Adding another facet, while it would ultimately be awesome, would put me in unfamiliar territory - a 16-year-old in a much older life. I'm not sure if I want to be lovestruck at this point.

But maybe that was it. So on another date since I tried to cultivate that same feeling - to do everything I had done before. But looking into her eyes didn't make me want to keep looking. I didn't think to myself "I could listen to her all night" or even spend much time talking with her, even though we had a lot in common. Which means that it isn't a universally applied thing.

And so I'm sort of lost. And that's only a tenth of the confusion. I haven't had the think & pray time to figure this or anything else out yet. I know it'll work out, that God will help me, and that I'll understand life eventually. Today, at least, I have the peace that comes with knowing that... but in the meantime, though, even with faith, I'm still somewhat confused.

Feeling Something Different

I was talking with a girl and I noticed her hair, her eyes, the way she smiled... I noticed the clothing she was wearing, the color coordination in her dress, the way she held her head while she spoke. Her laugh and a pleasant gaze that seemed to look into my soul... with peace and genuine interest.

And I felt something.

It was more than just relief at finding someone who could hold a conversation, or camaraderie in finding someone who shared a dozen similar passions that are hard to find alone. No... I've had hundreds of conversations where I played a part, wanting cognitively to know about the girl yet never feeling anything inside.

Until today.

There weren't any fireworks. Not even little ones. I didn't imagine her in white or even ponder first date ideas. In fact, had I not lived with total apathy and worse with girls, I doubt I would have noticed it. But it was there - something in her physical presence that made me want to be there.

I don't know what it means - whether it's some sort of divine sign on this girl (which makes life somewhat difficult, but would be awesome), or just a glimpse of something yet to come.

Either way, at the end, when I could still remember her name and asked for her contact information, it was because of more than just having a good conversation. I honestly hoped that I could see her again.

Kissing Guys

The first time I saw two guys kissing was an interesting event in my life. I had seen normal kisses before in movies, paintings, photos, and in real life at weddings or just watching my parents. And to me kissing had always seemed awfully gross... and never something that I had wanted to pursue.

But something strange clicked when I first saw guys kissing. Something stirred inside me and suddenly I had the desire to try it... a desire that seemed totally and completely foreign... and suddenly I understood what others felt... and wanted to feel more. To be in the scene and to feel the flood of emotions that had already begun to stir.

And then I did a double-take. This wasn't the kiss of husband and wife when they've made covenants to serve God and each other for eternity. This was a passionate kiss between two men who were glorifying the natural man in front of a camera... and yet, along with the revulsion that also came naturally with that thought, I felt drawn more than I had ever been before. And inside, I realized that I had to make a choice. Which feeling to cultivate, and which to follow and believe.

I made the decision to listen to my soul... and not my hormones... and have since tried to cultivate the peace that comes from living the gospel each day. I've found meaning in turning to God, hope in following His counsel, and purpose in doing what is right even when my body, my mind, and others are telling me to go the other way.

It still happens. Some days I'm online and suddenly there's a picture of two guys kissing that makes it past my pop-up, ad, and everything else blocker... and the emotions flare. My heart quickens, and I feel the tugging from two sides in my heart... two choices that will determine my mortal and eternal destiny. One promises eternal happiness, incredible meaning, growth, heartache, love, faith, hope, and trials and strength beyond what I can imagine with God at my side. The other offers love, acceptance, pleasure, earthly happiness, and instant gratification with a guy beside me. And both are telling the truth.

That's one of the biggest difficulties I think that men like me face. It's totally and completely possible to live a fulfilling, happy life with another guy. Being gay wouldn't immediately strike me down with AIDS or even destroy my ability to function as a citizen. In society today I could have romance, a family, a job, even get specialized hiring benefits from diversity programs if I were gay. In a monogamous gay relationship I could have everything I think I want.

On the other side, I have the word of God, His prophets, and His voice and He speaks to me... promising me that if I will live faithfully, I'll receive all the blessings I want and need... In due time... and it will be many, many times worth what the alternative can offer. And I've seen some of those blessings... but I still don't know exactly what the Lord has in mind for me. I still don't know when or how or even if in this life I'll see the fruition of the faith I need to show.

And so that's my choice. To sacrifice the feelings of attraction that God gave me, my dreams, and hopes for a family and love, and to consecrate my life through faith - believing that He will take care of me... or to rely on and follow what I can see and feel today.

It's a trial that I wish everyone could undergo. A crushing, overwhelming process of realizing that I will fail without God and have to choose to follow Him. That, in this moment, life is black or white... and that I have to rely on faith... and nothing more. Faith that, even if the pain and the passion and the patience never goes away, I will be a better man... And have made the right choice. It has turned me into the man I am today, and I have seen God's hand in my life. I know it's the right choice, because I've talked with God. But I still have to have faith... to choose to believe.