I feel confused. And lost. And I'm not sure what it all means.
Here's a glimpse into the turmoil in my mind... at least a part I can share here:
A few days ago I felt something for a girl - something different than I've ever felt before. It was an amazing experience... and while it was happening I wondered what it meant.
I've never been attracted to girls, and yet I know that someday I'll find a/the right girl, fall deeply in love, be married in the temple for time and all eternity, and have a family. I understand all the pieces after the falling in love part... and I've always wondered how that would work. In my mind's eye, I knew it would probably take a lot of work anyway. I envisioned developing an emotional and spiritual relationship with someone, then finally, one day, getting hit by a spiritual clap of lightning, something like cupid's arrow that would change me and make me in love in the places I can't.
And so the feeling I felt, for someone I had only barely met, made me wonder. Was it going to be easier than I thought? Was this a somewhat subtle sign that I had found someone that it might work out with?
Just one issue - she wasn't available to date and wasn't interested in breaking her current exclusivity. So when I asked for her number, all I got was her name.
I was somewhat confused. Um... normally when the Lord gives me some type of sign there's also an open door - not total rejection.
Then I realized that maybe it was something different. Maybe it wasn't a sign of finding the "one"... but just proof that I was slowly becoming attracted to girls as a whole - something that sort of scares me. I've already done the dating thing for years. Adding another facet, while it would ultimately be awesome, would put me in unfamiliar territory - a 16-year-old in a much older life. I'm not sure if I want to be lovestruck at this point.
But maybe that was it. So on another date since I tried to cultivate that same feeling - to do everything I had done before. But looking into her eyes didn't make me want to keep looking. I didn't think to myself "I could listen to her all night" or even spend much time talking with her, even though we had a lot in common. Which means that it isn't a universally applied thing.
And so I'm sort of lost. And that's only a tenth of the confusion. I haven't had the think & pray time to figure this or anything else out yet. I know it'll work out, that God will help me, and that I'll understand life eventually. Today, at least, I have the peace that comes with knowing that... but in the meantime, though, even with faith, I'm still somewhat confused.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Friday, April 29
21 comments:
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Hang in there. Blessings don't come until after the trial. You're in the trial phase, and probably feel like you've been there forever. I know from personal experience that it's not fun... BUT... I also know from personal experience that once you "find the right person" all the frustration, junk, and confusion you've lived with in the past just kind of goes away. It somehow makes all the struggle and fight so worth it. No, there was no "lightening bolt" moment in my decision to marry the one I did. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a spiritual lightening-bolt moment (I'm more of a line-upon-line, precept-upon-precept kind of learner) but there always is a sense of PEACE present when I know I'm making the right decision. Even though marriage is a huge decision, the process of receiving spiritual revelation is the same, simple process it always has been. We have to understand that and be willing to accept a little struggle, maybe a little time and patience and understanding, and, on occasion even a little stumble as we learn how the Lord speaks to us.
ReplyDeleteDon't be confused, I'm excited for you!! It's awesome you felt that way. Don't lose track of her. She'll either get married, and that's a big final NO....or they'll break up and there is your other chance.
ReplyDeleteSo, I met my husband when he was 18 and I was 21. We both had significant others we were dating and hardly said a word to each other. Sooner or later and after he served his mission we were both single...and there ya go!! Perfect timing. But seriously,timing is very important. We wouldn't have worked if we dated sooner.
That girl may or not be the one but at least you've got that small amount of desire to know that feeling more. Little promptings and feelings are great! Next thing is timing. You both have to be available at the same time. P.S. Girls like to be pursued. They like to know that they are one in a million. Just because she told you she's not available now doesn't mean disappear. Admire her from a distance so she knows you're there :) I'm such a romantic!
I'm a guy who is attracted to girls and guess what, I haven't been interested in every single girl I've ever met. I'm not attracted to someone just because they're female. It's a little more complicated than that. I think you should stop looking for signs from the heavens for every tiny little thing that happens to you in your life. Just live your life and do your best. If you want something, then go out and get it. God isn't going to just give it to you.
ReplyDeleteRejection is a part of life. Finding a mate is difficult. It takes a mutual interest. It's never going to be a magical cupid's arrow or spiritual thunderbolt for anyone and I think it's a little naive to expect that. A relationship is a process that develops over time. The dating game is frustrating and being attracted to someone is actually a pretty small piece of the puzzle.
I think it's time to stop expecting God to micro manage your life. It's your life and you are in charge. Do the best you can, but be willing to move forward without signs or clear answers to prayers. All you can do is do your best, and that is all that is expected of us. Sometimes it's not about a specific path we're supposed to take, but a general direction that we're supposed to be going.
It makes me wonder a bit. She might be the one and maybe not. Here are my questions:
ReplyDelete1) If straight people ever found themselves in a situation where they were actively looking for a same-sex partner, could they find one that they would actually fall in love with?
2) And also, if you were able to pursue a relationship with this girl, how would it compare to a relationship with a guy? I guess those of us trying to live according to gospel teachings may never know.
I wish you the best, whether it is this girl or another down the road.
I almost feel like it could be a sign from God, perhaps. That you ARE in fact capable of feeling this way about a girl. And who knows, maybe you'll come across her again someday if it's right, or maybe not?
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to not think too hard about these things, I know. Over-thinking vs faith is something I consistently struggle with. Throw in the resulting confusion and its long lasting effects...not fun.
"I've never been attracted to girls, and yet I know that someday I'll find a/the right girl, fall deeply in love, be married in the temple for time and all eternity, and have a family."
ReplyDeleteI truly hope this works out for you and for her, whoever 'she' may eventually be. However, it's tough not to read this line as evidence of the triumph of dogma and optimism over experience.
Your last post made me want to make a banner that said, "Way to Go, MG!" and drag it in the sky behind an airplane.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get there. No one goes from being indifferent to being enamored in one day. Look at the rest of the world. Most of us went from thinking girls had cooties to being attracted to them, but it took a few years and a lot of confusion to figure out why we felt how we felt. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't apply to every girl we saw, just one or two special ones at first.
Well, my views on marriage are not popular. I believe it when I hear people talk about any willing man and woman can make a marriage good. A relationship is hard work.
ReplyDeleteThat 'spark' is fantastic and invaluable as a part of physical attraction. However, there is something deeper. When a spark is born out of deep respect and admiration it becomes richer and longer lasting.
The best attraction of all comes from patient devotion over time, through faults and around one's self. That is something best developed through friendship and service. The longest lasting and best kind of attraction is usually not where we expect to find it.
MGM,
ReplyDeleteI have to say I have had this similar experience (only with men, being I am a woman) before. I had felt something special and wonderful in their presence. The Lord had been prompting me -- Hey! This is someone special! I have to admit although we did not get married, or even with one did not even date, I had an experience with the spirit that was ground breaking. I think you also experienced something ground breaking.
If nothing else, the Lord has shown to you that you can have an attraction to women. Although I would not give up on her altogether -- you never know what the Lord has in store -- she may not be your 'only one.'
That experience has given you a taste though. Something to look for and hopefully something to find again. Something to build off of and from to lead you to more promptings, feelings, and impressions from the spirit.
Anonymous 1:
ReplyDeleteI date because I want to get married, because I want to show women that I respect them, and because I'm supposed to date. And I date multiple times each week - more than some guys who are attracted to girls. I take initiative. I do everything I'm supposed to do.
But I can only go so far on faith, and honesty, when I have absolutely no desire to even touch a girl, and the thought of doing anything beyond sitting two chairs away gives me a cold sweat. When I date a girl, it's different from when another guy dates her, even if we're both not attracted to her. For the other guy, she's just another girl... and maybe something could grow out of that disinteres with work and time. But for me there is not just disinterest... there is revulsion. And after a few dates, girls can tell, even when I try to hide it. I can only date a girl for so long before the dichotomy destroys either her self-esteem or the relationship.
It's not as simple as just going out and getting what I want - there is no physical or mental or emotional way for me to get what I want and need. It can only come as a miracle from God.
Maybe you can go through life on your own, and be okay. People in real life and here sometimes don't understand why I take the gospel so seriously... why I grip the rod of iron and my spiritual knuckles turn white. It's because I've been ripped off before. I have to. I have two choices - live the gospel in every thing I do, or die. And I've died enough times that I really don't prefer that option.
And because of that, I will always look unto God in all things. I will always pray that He will consecrate all things to the performance of my soul. I'll do my part to acknowledge His hand in all things. I'm incredibly aware that He doesn't lead or prompt us in all things. But the scriptures say to ask anyway, and in most cases in my life, He has micromanaged my choices, giving me the words to say and the places to go, the things to do. I realize that not everyone has that... but I do. And so, while I will always move forward, I know He'll always be beside me.
Anonymous 3:
ReplyDeleteIf you change dogma to faith and experience to everyday trials in life, then I agree wholeheartedly. Faith is all about choosing to believe in what we know will come, regardless of our past experiences and current trials. The scriptures are replete with examples, as are successes of blind Olympians, deaf composers, and hundreds of thousands of others. Yes, I am an optimist... and a believer. It's part of who I am - and I believe that who I am is not determined by my circumstances or characteristics I didn't choose. Who I am is defined by my choices and beliefs... and yeah, I choose to believe. And I always will. And as far as it working out for my future wife, there's no one who wants that more than I do. I think that husbands probably love their wives more than anyone else in the world. At least the mortal world.
Brett:
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts... the thought of seeing an airplane in the sky with a banner and my name made me laugh. If you ever do it, just let me know so I or someone else can take a picture.
And thanks for getting my post... and sharing your thoughts in a way that resonate with me. Maybe I'll just end up going through all the stages of relationships (um, just really, really late)... and that would be fine. Either way, the Lord will help.
Confusion is not of God.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we aren't meant to know anything, simply trust.
And everything is on God's time table, not ours. Hold on. Believe.
Just a thought as I read this- on a first date with a guy I have never felt like I can just sit and listen to him talk all night and stare into his eyes. Obviously your situation is different than mine, but just keep that in mind. It takes time for me to think "I want to listen to him talk all night."
ReplyDeleteI was so happy when I read your first post. I know there was a meaning for that feeling, and that you'll figure out what it was. You are an example to me with your great faith. I wish I knew more people like you in my life.
ReplyDeleteI think you're absolutely right to allow God to "micro-manage" everything. I believe that sometimes people put limits on God and how involved we let Him be in our lives. He may not care what color shirt you wear most days, but He definitely wants to be involved in your life. This doesn't mean you aren't using your agency and moving forward, it just means you are trying to be in tune with the Spirit enough that He is with you in every decision you make, big and small, every single day.
I think God would be with us each a lot more if we only let Him. I have had personal experience with this.
I think we try to put our life into neat little boxes, and get really disappointed when things don't fit. I'm finding that for the majority of the time, things don't fit. I guess that's why I believe in the atonement, because I know I need something beyond myself that will make things whole. Dating doesn't make sense to me, relationships don't make sense to me, and if that's the case for me where I have things relatively easy, I'm not sure how easy it'll be for you. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, merely saying if things don't make sense, I guess that's normal. Hang in there stranger, it looks like there's a lot of people that have hope for you. But I guess what matters most is that you make peace for yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd my views are even less acceptable to most Americans . . . born and raised here; I married someone from the Far East. If he lived in his country, his marriage would have been arranged by loving parents with his best interest at heart. There would be no considerations of western “love” or attraction. There are no concepts of “am I happy?” They as a couple would busily dedicate themselves to raising children and caring for parents. Divorce is extremely rare – there is no need . . . they have the same goals. Even though our marriage was for love, we didn’t know each other that well and have spent the years learning, growing and surprising each other. I am starting to believe that our Western concept of romance and lust is hurting us and cannot be sustained.
ReplyDeleteWow! You've gotten some really good thoughts here. I especially liked the one about not overthinking it. Just enjoy and let God "micro-manage" your life. He did a lot better with finding my husband than I ever did. He let me know with peace and calm--not something I give myself. Every person's experience is different and that's okay. You're wonderful. Thank you for being you. P.S. Don't pursue too hard; girls don't like pests but some attention is nice.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the best relationships of ANY kind develop out of mutual respect ad admiration. You aren't going to have angels singing and her standing there with a glowing halo...
ReplyDeleteYou need to find girls that have things in common with you, and you enjoy spending time with them because their intellect is appealing and stimulating to your own. If it's based only on the physical attraction aspect of a relationship, it will fizzle out eventually and you will go off to find the next girl you're attracted to (which could take another 5 years, or 10, or 20!)
The important point thing is... you start sweating the second you get near a female. STOP thinking of her as a female, and START thinking of her as a friend. It sounds as if you don't have pretty much any close friends. You need them. You need a support system. The people you can turn to when you've had a rough day and just want to talk, or go for a walk, or do your favorite activity to get your mind off things.
Start actively searching for someone who will get to know you, love you as their best friend, and care for you. You're failing at getting married because you aren't doing things IN ORDER! Friendship, dating, marriage. Emphasis on the first one.
I go to BYU-I. I spent my first semester here with very few friends. This semester I regularly prayed to find friends, and to be more outgoing. I've made quite a few new friends, including a couple who I know I will be friends with for life. If I'd just prayed to go on dates, the Lord probably would have answered and I would have been far less happy with the result. Friendship is the key to eternal happiness, marriage is the key to eternal life. You want both, right?
Even among straight guys who take an active interest in most women, it's possible to see a particular girl, get a feeling about her, and not have it develop into anything more significant. And that's perfectly fine. I took interest in many different people before my sweetheart and I finally found each other.
ReplyDeleteThe primary significance of the experience you had is this: that it is possible for you to feel something more than a polite interest in a member of the opposite sex. Like experiencing the first stirrings of a testimony, it was probably still a very weak sensation, but in future when the feeling happens again (as I suspect it will), this first experience with it will help you to recognize it more clearly. I don't think you need worry about the significance being any more earth-shaking than that.
I am deeply drawn to your experiences...I can't possibly know or even pretend to know exactly everything you are enduring, but, for some reason, on some level I understand and empathize. I feel a great compassion and I desire with all my heart to more fully understand as much as I can about this particular vice. You have been blessed to be able to articulate well your feelings,your thoughts and your experiences and I know, without a doubt, it is doing much in building up the kingdom of God and strengthening and perfecting the saints. You are an instument in the Lords hands. That you can glory in!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I'm so passionate about learning more about this, and from your perspective particularly. It really does bring hope to everything and for everyone! You're incredible...you are human, but incredible because you are allowing the Lord to work His miracles in and through you and your life.
Yours is a story that epitomizes the eternal principles of faith, hope and charity...of all that is good. I would add you to the likes of Moroni and Ammon and the other sons of Mosiah, and Alma and his sons, not to place you on a pedastal, but like them, through you the power and glory of God is made manifest. I love Alma 48:17-18!
You are on the front lines fighting a relentless battle bravely and courageously and valiently, not only for yourself, but in many ways we are all beneficiaries of your service and example (I know you didn't ask to fight this battle, but it's a service nonetheless because you are fighting it!)
I leave your blog uplifted, edified, and with an even stronger resolve to LIVE the gospel of Jesus Christ to it's fullest. WE all have our battles. Thank you for fighting your's so valiently. Doing so has given me the strength to fight mine. I Love the gospel with all of my soul and feel your passion for living it in every way, and know through experience it is the only way to peace and happiness here and in the Life to come.
Sincerely, thank you...as much as you may hate hearing that.