Music in the Night

Sometimes I wake up at night and can hear music in my head. Not all the time, but sometimes. And sometimes, if I pull myself out of bed to the piano 5 feet away, I record a piece of the melody on my phone so that I'll remember it in the morning.

That's how this piece began. It was a long time ago, shortly after I stopped dating one of the best harpists in the world (not kidding). I couldn't understand how she could spend 8 hours a day playing the harp... so I asked her to teach me to play. I wanted to understand her. She had given me one harp lesson, and, after learning to pick my way through Handel's Concerto for Harp in B flat, I began writing.

Harp music looks almost like piano music... and much of it can be played on the piano. There are major differences, though. Harpists use only four fingers on each hand to play, which means that ten-finger chords aren't possible. And since pedal harps change the tone of strings to match the key, a perfect (harmonic) glissando is possible in every key - not just C. There are plenty of other differences - like playing with overtones, or using the percussive aspects of the soundboard - but I'm not really all that good of a harpist. So my harp piece took shape on the piano. Maybe someday, when it's finished and I've practiced, I'll be good enough to play it on the harp.

This is the first time I've recorded this piece and shared it with others. Knowing the crowd, there are plenty of readers whose piano, recording, video editing, and other media skills far surpass mine.

But that's okay. Because, I guess, being authentic also means being vulnerable. Imperfect. And yet being able to see the beauty in that imperfection. So hopefully you can forgive the fact that the piano is old and out of tune, the phone's microphone is too close to record properly, the pianist (me) makes major mistakes and forgets an entire section, and there's no visual at all.

Someday I'll learn the piece well enough to play it flawlessly and record it on a Lyon & Healy concert harp. But today it's recorded on the upright in my bedroom. Because I think that part of learning to be happy in life is being okay with our imperfections. Working with them. Not letting them paralyze us or keep us from sharing who we are with others.

Finding the majesty in simple things. Being imperfect, vulnerable, and real. Hearing the beauty in the rain.

Even though it be a cross that raiseth me

I was just playing the piano and listening to the words of hymns in my mind, and the last one I played was "Nearer, My God, to Thee." For a long time I've known that all of the things the Lord gave me - same-sex attraction included - were gifts to help me somehow return to Him. But the music of this hymn, seems to break through the simple words I've used before and speak volumes to my heart.

Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be nearer my, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I'd be nearer, my God to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

There let the way appear, steps unto heav'n;
All that Thou sendest me, in mercy giv'n;
Angels to beckon me nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Then with my waking thoughts bright with Thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
So by my woes to be nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

The Lord knows my heart, and He knows me as His son. He loves me, and because He does, He gives me everything I need to be happy and to come closer - nearer - to Him. The cross that lifts me is my own. I have been given trials and tribulations - steps unto Heaven, given by God through His mercy and love - intended specifically for me... and with the one express purpose of lifting me from the mundane world of mortality and raising me up to happiness, joy, love, and eternal life. With that in mind, I can look at my life, my circumstances, and who I am inside... and turn to follow God and become nearer to Him. And as I do, everything will work out.

Or if on bended wing, cleaving the sky,
Sun, moon, and stars forgot, upwards I fly,
Still all my songs shall be nearer, my God, to Thee.
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

My Breath Fogged up the Glass...

All sorts of music plays around me each day. I love Christian music for its messages, classical music for its predictable turns and powerful harmonies, Gospel music because it brings back memories of singing... Someone once told me I had the right stuff to be in a choir that sang Gospel, so I tried out and somehow made it in. I only stayed with the choir for one performance, and of that I remember "I'll Be Your Bridge Over Troubled Water." I love music from musicals and movies - as long as it's clean - and, like a couple million others, I love the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And Christmas music... but not the commercial Christmas music. I like the religious music, and I end up playing it all year long, though I try to be cognizant of others, so it just takes shape in my car and a few random Pandora stations when I find the time.

Right now, though, I've got the song that includes the title of this post stuck in my head, with a somewhat absurd image of someone looking at himself in a mirror, upside down... and I find myself wondering if people really do that, or if it was just hyperbole for the song because it was an interesting image that rhymed, or if they've tried and then just decided to grab a flashlight and shine it in the mirror... which is what I've always done.

Then I find myself wondering how people do a lot of things. If they'll look in a mirror upside down, then I could imagine people doing many other things without choosing the most effective... or maybe just for a different reason than the one I would do it. How do people pray? Read the scriptures? What do they do to prepare for Sunday School or the lessons in Priesthood? What do they do when temptations hit them, or when they feel overwhelmed or burned out or concerned for friends? And what pushes them to make those choices? Something inside? People outside? Their relationship with God?

And, perhaps the most important, what do they do if their choices don't end up working out? A friend once taught me that it is more important to do the right thing, and to know the right thing, and to believe the right thing... than to be right. So if I find I can't see myself in a fogged mirror, or if I pray to God and have asked the wrong question for the answer I need, or if I find myself surrounded by people who totally don't understand... what do I do? Hopefully, I can always find ways to see the optimistic side - to draw a face and laugh or to learn more about God from the experiences I have each day.

I'll Be What You Want Me to Be

I've noticed that carrying my greatest trials and burdens in life has made the music of the Church a thousand times more meaningful. I've always been grateful that music was a central part of worship in the gospel, but as I've faced death, illness, pain, and suffering, my introspection on the words has deepened... and I've realized how much true worship really is contained in the texts of the hymns... words that sometimes make me stop singing altogether... just so I can listen and cry.

It may not be on the mountain height or over the stormy sea; it may not be at the battle's front my Lord will have need of me. But, if, by a still, small voice He calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer, dear Lord, with a heart sincere: "I'll go where you want me to go."

There's surely somewhere a lowly place in earth's harvest field so wide where I may labor through life's short day for Jesus the crucified. So trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me, I'll do Thy will with a heart sincere: "I'll be what you want me to be."

Sometimes I look at life, and the many things that make us different. Some are given talents that seem to give them incredible ease in studying. Others are popular. Others are good at listening. And I look at my life... and live with a constant duality. 

On the one hand, I live, every day, with massive and major problems - only some connected here to (Gay) Mormon Guy... trials that most people would say are beyond their comprehension, and that far too often lead me far too deeply into depression. Trials that threaten to cut at the core of my being and make me wonder why and how God could allow someone to experience that kind of emotional suffering.

But I look at who I am because of those trials, and I stand amazed. Somehow, God has taken a little boy, scared, confused, and hurting... and infused him with light to become a better man. A man of faith. A man of love. A man of wisdom. I know that some of you hate when I talk about myself. But this isn't about me - it's about the change that God wrought in me through the refiner's fire. About the incredible vision He has for His children... and about the power that lay in obedience to His call and faith in His promises.

I used to pray, fervently and desperately, for God to take away my trials. To make me just like everyone else... to give me friends... to let me be attracted to girls... to lose my attraction to guys... and to just help me fit in with the rest of the world around me. I looked up at the heavens, and, tears in my eyes, asked Him to lighten my burdens and to make me whole.

Today, I am grateful that He didn't... but answered my prayers in His own way. He gave me the strength, the wisdom, the knowledge, and the faith to move forward and to become the man He saw in me... something I could have never done without being surrounded by adversity.

Today I pray for strength and faith to bear my burdens. Love to lift others and to love them unconditionally. Wisdom to see God's hand in all the things in my life. Gratitude to appreciate His gifts to me, in every form they may take. And guidance... to know what I should do, what I should say, and who I should be. I know now that my life may never be easy or simple. I may never have my burdens lifted, even though I wish they could be. But, trusting my all to His tender care, and knowing He loves me... I'll do His will with a heart sincere... I'll be what He wants me to be.

Why I Believe: Prayer

"I begin by saying, 'Dear Heavenly Father.' 
I thank Him for blessings He sends.
Then humbly I ask Him for things that I need,
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Prayer has always been a huge part of my life. Some of my earliest memories were kneeling in a circle with my family, praying for the health of a family member, blessings of comfort, safety before embarking on a trip, strength from a meal, or peace and good sleep before going to bed.

As the years have gone by, though, prayer has become much more than just a habit... or even something that is part of my life. It has become the centerpiece of my relationship with God and the tie that binds me to Him.

When I lose my keys and need to find them, I pray. "Dear Father, I need to find my keys so that I can ..." Within moments, I find them - even if I began searching long before I prayed.

When I'm having a rough day, I pray. "Dear Father, please help me get through this day. Help me feel loved and worthwhile." And as the day goes on, I see and feel His presence all around me.

When I need direction, I kneel and pray. "Dear Father, I don't know what to do. There are so many different choices... so many paths to take. Please, help me know Thy will." And He takes the chance to teach me His will in my life... and helps me know what I can do better.

Prayer gives me direction, hope, and faith. But the greatest things I've learned in prayer came when I asked deep questions about my life... my purpose... my trials and my blessings. Why me? Who am I? What is my personal purpose in life? Why am I attracted to guys instead of girls? Why am I a member of the Church when so many others aren't?

As I've turned to the Lord and honestly asked Him those questions, I've learned the truth of the statement in James. "if any... lack wisdom, let him ask of God... and it shall be given him." Sometimes it takes years for me to understand the answers that come. But they always come. And when they do, they change me forever. Every prayer I pray is heard and answered from on high.

The God of the Universe listens to my questions. He helps me to understand principles of faith. He moves me to repentance and opens doors for opportunities to bless others around me. No matter what I have done, He is there for me, at my side. He answers my each and every humble prayer, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. If it's important to me, it's important to the Lord. And that's why I believe.

Let Us All Press On!

Note to new readers (from CJane & elsewhere): My blog is a little haphazard. Check out the Post Index for a shortened, but comprehensive, introduction. And thanks for coming.


A few months ago I got an influx of readers from a popular "Mormon mommy blog" named CJane. Somewhere in the comments section was a reference to my blog that got clicked by a bunch of people - some of whom became regular readers and commenters here.

I don't often read Mormon mommy blogs. But I know people who think Courtney (the author of CJane) is really inspirational, so I thanked her for sending readers and helping people to live better lives. In the email dialogue that followed I wrote a guest post that should be posted on CJane today. The blog address is blog.cjanerun.com

The title of the piece is "In Our Own Way" and focuses on finding ways to help others along the pathway to happiness and returning to God. Once I have entered into the path, though, am I done? No. Getting on the path is only the beginning.

There's a beautiful Christian battle hymn called "Let Us All Press On" that I'd like to share. The lyrics are more compelling than anything I could write.

Let us all press on in the work of the Lord
That when life is over we may gain a reward
In the fight for right let us wield a sword
The mighty sword of truth!

Fear not, though the enemy deride.
We will be victorious, for the Lord is on our side.
We'll not fear the wicked, nor give heed to what they say
For the Lord alone we will obey!

We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few
When compared with the opposite host in view
But an unseen power will aid me and you
In the glorious cause of truth!

If we do what's right we have no need to fear
For the Lord, our helper, will ever be near
In the days of trial His saints He will cheer
And prosper the cause of truth!


I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I know that as I put my trust and faith in God, He will ever be near. In my days of trial, even as a gay Mormon guy, He lifts my heart and gives me strength to press on and do my part in the cause of truth.

We Should Be Lovers

I was listening to Pandora the other day when the song changed to "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge. I've never seen the show, (and I'm not sure if I will, given comments made by a friend about it) but I fell in love with the song. The character who is singing (I think played by Ewan McGregor) is definitely about as crazy as I am, just as hopelessly romantic, and just as willing and anxious to find someone to love. I don't know the context of the song, so I can't comment on the actual nature of their relationship, but it struck a chord in me, as all love duets do.

I don't have many things that are on my list of qualities to look for in a future wife. I've never been attracted to girls with blond, brown, red, black, purple, or no hair. I used to have a long list of all the things I wanted to find; now I just want to find someone to love completely, and we can grow together. But there is one definite thing that I want - a love of singing love duets. Yeah. My favorite memories of talent shows and karaoke parties were convincing girls to sing love songs with me. When I'm singing, I can put myself into the words, and it's the closest I've ever been to really being in love. I'm not sure how the audience feels... since my voice probably butchers their favorite songs and leaves irreparable scars on their musical souls... but I like the feeling. I've given girls the wrong idea a few times, though... when they didn't realize that my real emotions were different after the performance... but I still think it's worth it.

The other theme in the song - beyond a love for "silly love songs" - is an interesting commentary on searching for love. "Though nothing will keep us together, we can steal time just for one day..." Both people realize that it may not work out between them, but they realize the beauty of being in love - and of caring for another person - regardless of the ending result. In that phrase is the reason why I sing love songs with girls I don't know and date when I know it won't work out - why I ask girls out when I'm pretty sure we have almost nothing in common - because showing love to others, and spending time with them, is worthwhile even if it's not with my eternal companion. "Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love." If I knew who my eventual eternal companion was, or if I always had girls that I thought were, somehow, potential candidates, then dating would be more straightforward. But it isn't, and so I approach each relationship with an open heart, open mind, and the words swirling in my head, "We should be lovers..." even if only just for one day.

There's nothing wrong with loving people. Now, the love I'm talking about is somewhat different from the love of the world - I firmly stand by the belief that sexual relations are reserved for expression between husband and wife. But showing love in every other way is an incredible thing... and one of my passions in life. The friendships I've made from showing love have changed me, and often my core motivation in the things I do is simply finding ways to show people that I love them. I'm not always very good at it (more likely that it matches my singing voice in creating emotional scars :) ), but I'm slowly learning. And hopefully, by the time I actually meet the girl I'll fall in love with someday, I'll better know how to show love. In the meantime, it will continue to play in the back of my mind, throughout each day... "We should be lovers..." In my mind, it's just an intense way of saying "We should be friends..."

Simple Things

I had a bunch of plans today, and, one after another, most of them fell through. At first I wondered what I'd do with the extra, unplanned time... and how I would keep my mind occupied.

So I turned on Pandora to my showtunes station, and I've been listening for hours as life goes on. So my plans for tonight disappeared, in an instant, after weeks of planning and after a long drive to get where I thought I was going. But I'm good. I have a few dates planned for the next week - and they're with people who won't cancel on me. And belting (and pretending no one can hear) "Music of the Night" and a hundred other Broadway classics really makes it okay. I sometimes forget how amazing, powerful, and peaceful music can be.