Sunday, June 17

Father's Day

My little brother turned 13 yesterday and entered the world of being a teenager. Stereotypical teenagers seem rebellious, strong-willed, and unwilling to think about the future. The reality is that teenage years are filled with tumultuous moments of pain, isolation, grief, frustration, and joy along the path of finding self. Yes, many teenagers rebel. Many burn themselves on the stove they know will burn them... and others leave their hands in place, hoping that somehow by so doing the pain will go away.

It seems the world today is full of moral teenagers. Moral teenagers who rebel against the love of a Father who can see the end from the beginning... and run down pathways far from those He shares. Gay Mormons who have spent their lives following the rules and decide not to. Men and women who forget the childlike innocence they once had, believe they know better, and walk away.

I'm not immune. I've walked more than my fair share of darkened paths, and have had plenty of times that I showed by my actions a distrust of God and His Plan for me.

But today, in a world that affirms self above all else, where millions of moral teenagers rebel against a Heavenly Father when He asks them to put Him before everything from physical to emotional to mental health... today I want to affirm that Father and celebrate everything He has done for me.

He's perfect. He's always there. He loves me more than I could ever imagine, even so much that He puts me through sometimes abject misery with the hope that I can someday become the man He sees in me.

I don't completely understand God's Plan for me. I don't know how I fit in as a gay Mormon, or even sometimes what He wants me to do. But I know that He loves me.

And that's enough.

The reality of that was cemented to me at Church today. Today I sat with a brother in my ward whose life is massively different from mine. He can't open a piece of candy by himself, pick up a piece of bread by himself, cross his legs, walk down the hall or even speak. Sitting next to him put my difficulties - a handful of burns, numbness in my hands from learning aerial gymnastics, and being gay - into stark contrast. He's a smart guy. He wrote a powerful talk months ago that someone else read. He understands everything. He has the same emotional and physical "needs" I do. And he struggles with picking up a Sacrament cup.

When life is easy, it's easy to feel entitled. "God would never ask me to sacrifice..." right? Wrong. God sends His children into imperfect situations, fully aware that some of those situations will be excruciating - ripping apart the outer shell of the natural man to expose the inner self He sees within.

I'm grateful for a Father who loves me enough to allow me to live. To experience. To smile. To cry. To feel. To want. To have enormous angst that rips me apart and makes me want to curl up into a ball or cry or just sometimes disappear. For a Father who walks with me on the difficult path back home, because He loves me and can see the end from the beginning.

I'm nowhere near perfect... but today I affirm my commitment to honoring my Heavenly Father. To trusting Him and always putting Him first, no matter what the physical, emotional, mental, or social consequences may be.

Sunday, January 7


Today was Fast Sunday - the first of a new year.

The urge came to get up, and the urge came to stay seated. Every month I've shared my testimony. Every month for as long as I can remember. I need the blessings. I need the support of my ward.

But so do others.

I almost got up, and then I saw people making their way to the front. There is never silence here - far too many people attend my ward for that to happen. And for each minute I spend speaking, another minute they can't.

So today was the first in as long as I can remember where I didn't stand.

So I'll share it here.

I know that God lives... and that I have second chances. And third chances, and fourth and seventieth chances. No matter what I've done, no matter how far I've fallen, no matter how worthless and broken I may seem, God will give me another chance. He will lift me up, change my heart and soul, and make me into the man He sees in me.

This last month I've realized how imperfect I really am. How little I really understand, and how poorly I live the things I know. As I turn to God, I know that He will help me to move forward... and I hope that I have the courage and faith to just keep moving towards Him.

Sunday, December 17

Days 11-17: #LightTheWorld

Day 11: "I was a stranger, and ye took me in" - Matthew 25:35

I spend most of my time with strangers. For most of my life an incredible feeling of loneliness (in part from being autistic) has been a part of my life. It's the most painful thing I could ever imagine... and I can't handle the thought of someone else feeling the same way. So I give my time, my talents, my happiness, and pretty much everything in my life to strangers in hopes that they will come close to God and never feel alone.

Day 12: "Blessed are they that mourn" - Matthew 5:4

This day I was an emotional mess. Fitting turnabout, perhaps, because most of my time I try to think of myself as a solid, stable, stoic guy. And then I felt more alone on Dec 11 & 12 than I had in years. The pain was so bad that I wanted to die. And then I burst into tears because I'm a good Mormon boy, and killing myself isn't an option.

Yeah. I was in a *really* bad state. I don't know if any of my friends had ever seen me like that... but at least they were able to help me feel like they cared.

Day 13: "All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” - Matthew 7:12

The thing I want most in life is candor in my relationships. Nothing else gives me more stress, or more meaning, than my relationships in life. So I gave the gift of candor, and shared my open and honest feelings with the people closest to me. It took a while, and some of it was exceptionally hard to communicate... but it was good.

Day 14: "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” - Matthew 6:21

Another twist of irony. On this day, rather than spend my time with family, or friends, or even strangers - the treasures I would say I value most - I spent it alone. Part of me felt guilty for being so alone... the other part was still recovering from the emotional ordeal of the days before, and preparing for the stress that was still on the way.

Day 15: "Blessed are the merciful” - Matthew 5:7

When I first started my first business, all I did was give stuff away. Good business sense? Awful business sense? Either way, turning a profit was rough. When I started my second business, I made the decision to never give discounts, to anyone, because I knew that I'd give them to everyone.

On Day 15 I gave a discount. It was to a couple who had come in for their anniversary. They made gifts for their 7 kids, and were incredibly happy. I don't know if that counts as merciful, but that was the best I had available.

Day 16: "naked, and ye clothed me” - Matthew 25:36

I get almost all my clothing from DI, and usually wear my clothes until I can no longer mend the holes. But I have a couple shirts that aren't a color I wear often, and a pair of sweat pants that was always too big and I can't wear anymore. So on this day, I started going through my closet to give those shirts, and sweatpants, another life with someone else.

Day 17: "Ye shall meet together oft.” - 3 Nephi 18:22

Church with my family in their ward - my little brother spoke. Church with my family in my own ward - I sang. Family dinner. Dinner with a handful of neighbors.

Being around people is often exhausting for me... so I think that's more than enough.

This week is my birthday, and the last week of #LightTheWorld. I hope it goes well.

Sunday, December 10

Days 3-10: #LightTheWorld

Writing a blog post about what I did to #LightTheWorld each day felt... self-aggrandizing. It was like tooting my own horn, writing about the good things that I did and sharing it with the world.

That's why I haven't written about it here. The experiences have been amazing, but I didn't want to come off the wrong way... which means that I've got bigger problems. Haha. If I can't be myself and share my life honestly on (G)MG, where can I share it? But I guess that's a question for another day.

Day 3: Honor the Sabbath - I went to Church for about 8 hours, and also gave nutritional and supplement advice to someone who asked me a handful of questions - the kind of question I'd usually field at work, so using professional skills to help others on my day off.

Day 4: Love your neighbor - I went home teaching to a guy who lives close by. Got to know him. Shared my testimony. Even though I'm no longer assigned to be his home teacher (since assignments just got changed), hopefully I can help him figure out his life.

Day 5: Honor Thy Parents - I had a short conversation with my dad, and did some service for my parents. My parents moved into the house I was living in a little over a year ago, and in the time since I've had mixed feelings about living with family again. For now, I'm doing what I can to help my family, and I'm here... though sometimes it's more than I can handle.

Day 6: Judge not - This one is hard to write. When bad decisions that my dad made caught up to him earlier this year, I felt like everyone in my mom's family abandoned her. My dad was gone, my siblings were in total shock. She was so alone, so isolated, and had to run a family and a business and work to repair the enormous damage that had happened. I never accused my family, since we were all going through the same pain... and maybe they just didn't know what to do... and maybe some of them did reach out but not in ways I could see. Either way, in my heart I judged some of them for not being there for us when we needed them so badly. So I forgave them.

Day 7: Care for Children - I spent the evening with my youngest siblings. We made veggie spring rolls, which turned out way too crunchy... then played games together.

Day 8: Love your Enemies - I don't have enemies, but I do have a family member that tends to always be involved in every argument that happens in my home. So I'm starting a week of being kind, not with the hope that it will fix the problem, but the hope that I can better communicate my own love.

Day 9: Visit the sick - I have multiple people in my life who are going through rough times in their lives. I reached out to a couple of them... and did what I could to lift their spirits.

Day 10: Study the Scriptures - I made the commitment to arrive to every scheduled meeting, event, hangout, etc on my calendar 5 minutes early... and to use the extra time when I arrive to study the scriptures. I find that studying them throughout the day in short bursts is more effective at keeping them in mind than just once a day. And if my once-daily session gets bumped, having lots of little moments will make it easier to still make it happen.

It's been a good experience so far. Tiring, and sometimes stretching. But I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to #LightTheWorld this December.

Saturday, December 2

Day 2: "Living Water"

Today I felt out of sorts with the suggestion to serve. The prompt is of living water - both physical (giving gifts of clean water) and spiritual (testimony). I hate bottled water, because of the impact it has on the  environment... so I didn't want to give bottled water to the Food Bank. I gave a monetary donation yesterday, so today I wanted to do something different.

The opportunity came when I was talking with a friend, and I was able to share my testimony of the gospel. At the end of the day, water is important... but those who drink living water - the word of Christ - will never thirst. I know that Jesus Christ is the son of God. That He lived and died and lives again. And that be following His guidance, I will find the greatest possible happiness and peace in this life and the world to come.

Friday, December 1

Day 1: "Freely Give"

I realized as I read the suggestions for today that I struggle to know who needs help, and how to help them. My first thought was, "give a fast offering - that goes to the people around you who need it, according to their needs." So I did. But even that sometimes feels impersonal. I have a personal mantra when it comes to giving... one that I don't know if I've ever shared before in public: give enough that it hurts. Not enough that it would make me go broke... but I don't need a nice car, a new house, or fancy clothes.

I do have stuff that other people might appreciate - though it would likely be more my knowledge than anything else.

That's what I can do. I could offer to volunteer. I know that BYU has a center that mentors entrepreneurs. I'll make that phone call. As long as I have the guts to do it. Thanks, #LightTheWorld, for giving me an excuse.

(This post is part of the #LightTheWorld series - find more info at

#LightTheWorld In 25 Ways Over 25 Days

I'm doing the #LightTheWorld challenge this year. Every day of December, I'll go to and grab a motivational video, bible verse, and suggestions of how to make the world a better place. I did a little last year, but this year I'm going to do every day.

I had the thought to invite someone to do it with me - that way I can share my experiences.

And then I had the thought that maybe I could write about them too. It's been too long since I wrote frequently. Get ready for a 25-day-long deluge.

Sunday, October 29


I was crazy sick for weeks, and in the time since I've felt... like my life is sort of stuck in the doldrums. I enjoy my ward, but I find that I feel disconnected (likely because I need to make a bigger effort on my own part). I enjoy my work at Soap Factory, but I don't really have any long-term, or even short-term goals professionally. My friendships are stable. My family is following a sort-of-vegan diet. My health is good.

So which way do I go from here?

I guess that depends on where I want to get.

Ultimately, I want to get to Heaven. And I want to take as many people with me as I can.

There's an infinite number of ways to make that happen. But what is something *I* can do? Something I can enjoy? Something where I can actually feel like I am making a difference? 

Enter the issue that likely I am facing, and that I feel like I've been facing for months now: I look at people with new jobs, people who leave on missions, people who go to school and begin new careers - people who all seem to have at least some direction in their lives - while I feel I lack that same direction in my own.

In my own defense, I feel like I've tried to find my own direction.

Or at least thought about it.

I've thought about getting a PhD or finding another Masters program. Moving someplace far away that would force me into something new. Going to a different ward. Finding a random 9-5 job. Finding, doing something, anything to pull me from the rut that feels my current existence.

But I can't transfer my records to a different ward because the moment I actually begin to make the choice, God tells me He wants me here. He wants me to make a difference in my ward, now. So maybe I'll just attend another ward in the morning.

I can't move far away because there are people in my life who need me here. I'm not sure that God would even let me move a couple miles.

There is one idea that is compelling to me...

One that is both scary and compelling.

I'm pretty sure I've written about it before. I love to design new ideas, new processes, new things. Finding a place, or creating a place, where I can design and create would be a dream come true. That's the compelling part.

The scary part? All of those ideas, in order to actually be worth anything more than a conversation, will require skill sets far beyond my own personal ability. And while working with an awesome team is a dream come true, putting a team together sounds only a little less painful than a literal trip to the infernal depths.


Perhaps *that* is why I feel so deeply discontent with the status quo, and why I also feel that God has been far too quiet in the matter. Because He has already given me a direction. One that I want to go, but one that distresses and scares me.


That does answer the question I came to this post with. It gives me direction anew, even if it seems honestly overwhelming.

Sometimes I dislike when blog posts go around in different directions than I expect them to. This post, for example, started with a decent feel to it, but the end feels far too... boring.

But does that mean it's less meaningful? Maybe. But I know there are plenty of times I've wished that Mormon had included more about the perfect society after the coming of Christ, rather than simply telling us that hundreds of years passed without controversy. Maybe, in the same way, the points of life that seem less meaningful and even boring to me, might be meaningful to someone else.

Sunday, October 22

I Would Be My Brother's Keeper

Tl;dr: My dad had a heart attack and my family is supporting him in his new diet. Each of us can support the people around us in the good they do.

I'm not really all that good of a guy. Sometimes I have aspirations of awesomeness, but most of the time I have literally no idea what I want to do, or even what I'm going to do tomorrow.

That said, I still have aspirations.

I still want to make a difference in the world.

I still want to do the right thing.

I still want to be a good guy.

Even in the moments where life seems overwhelming, I still want to be a good guy.

I don't know. I wanted to write a blog post today about learning to serve people - hence the brother's keeper title - and how identifying the skills and talents I have enables me to be a better servant. But suddenly I don't even know what I want to write about. I can't even keep a goal while writing a blog post. Ugh.

My dad was hospitalized for heart attack 10 days ago. He had experienced over a dozen mini heart attacks over the weeks prior, but since each time they went away (and since we in my family think we are superhuman/immortal), he hadn't gone to get anything checked. My younger sister is doing her clinical rotations in a cardiac ICU right now; she made an appointment for him and gave him the ultimatum that she would take him to the ER unless he went to see his doctor.

The doctor sent him to the ER. The ER sent him to ICU. When the cardiologist on call arrived, he went immediately in for surgery. In an angiogram, a catheter is threaded into an artery in the wrist, then slowly winds its way up to the heart. Dye is injected, which allows the surgeon to see blockages in arteries. There was enough plaque in his right arm/shoulder that the angiogram catheter had to be redone through his left wrist.

The surgeon found a 98% blockage in the main artery supplying blood to the heart, along with 3 other spots nearby along the same artery with 60-70% blocks. He placed two overlapping stents, which addressed the acute issue of a potential fatal heart attack.

But placing stents in a blocked heart is like putting bandaids on bleeding cancer. Yes. It fixes a problem. But it does nothing to address the real problem. The presence of what the surgeon called a "surprising" amount of plaque throughout his arteries was sign of massive progression of the whole-body illness that has affected almost all of my forebears. Heart problems - from low blood pressure to high blood pressure, from high cholesterol to arrhythmia to heart attack to stroke - have hit every side of my family.

I asked my dad last Sunday what his plans were. Diet? Nutrition? Health? He mentioned that the hospital was holding a course on post-heart-attack nutrition a few days later and he was planning to attend.

I scoffed. I honestly doubted a sponsored hospital lecture, at least one in Orem, would have the teeth to make a dent in heart disease.

So I grabbed three books from my personal library - three books I picked up a year ago when my younger brother had chest pain of his own - and handed them to my dad. And within an hour he had found a direction he felt passionate about following.

So my dad has changed his lifestyle: he is now vegan, and eats a no added sugar, no added oil, no nuts, low salt diet.


In a whirlwind of love and support, my family held a family council last Sunday, and each family member committed to doing their part to supporting dad in his new life. We'd fill the fridge and pantry with safe food (and keep anything else in a separate fridge), and every night one of us would make food that matched the diet.

It's been a week now, and our fridge and pantry are full of uber-healthy food. Pasta is still a simple family favorite, my little sister has decided that rice & beans will be her go-to for the near future, and morning oatmeal has become a regular thing.

My dad could probably find the willpower to do his diet alone. He wants to be alive. He wants to see his grandchildren and be a part of our lives, and he knows that choosing a healthy lifestyle will make a huge impact on his future. But having the support of his family will make all the difference in the world. All of us benefit from support and love from the people around us, and it makes me want to find ways to support the people I love in the good they do. 

This post is all over the place.

Sunday, October 15

Warriors of Light

The night is far spent
The day is at hand
The darkness is spreading throughout every land
But a voice in the stillness still calls me to fight
To throw off the darkness and put on the armor of light

We are warriors
We're an army
And we stand for truth and right
And we know what it is we're fighting for
We will not fall
We will not fail
With God on our side we will always prevail
We will follow Him and make our armor bright
We are warriors of light

When I'm surrounded by friends
Who pull me astray
Or I falter and loosen my hold on the rod
I can look in the mirror
And see a light shining
Deep within, there's a fire
For I am a child of God

We are warriors
We're an army
And we stand for truth and right
And we know what it is we're fighting for
We will not fall
We will not fail
With God on our side we will always prevail
We will follow Him and make our armor bright
We are warriors of light

The darkness is raging
But that's no surprise
We'll banish the night
With the light in our eyes

We are warriors
We're an army
And we stand for truth and right
And we know what it is we're fighting for
We will not fall
We will not fail
With God on our side we will always prevail
We will follow Him and make our armor bright
We are warriors of light

Though darkness is raging
We'll stand and we'll fight
For we are
Warriors of light


I wrote that song years ago. It came to my mind today, as I looked at my life. Some days I wish life could be simpler. Easier. Perhaps something like the lives I see in people who don't have all the problems I do.

But then I come back to reality. My reality is a mess. Yes, I had a beautiful, almost idyllic childhood. It prepared me with a vision of God and helped me connect with Him. But every moment since has been on the battlefield - a battlefield for my own soul and the souls of everyone around me.

And even though I often wish I had been called to serve somewhere else, the warrior heart within me is who I am. I'm a missionary. And I *always* will be.

What it means is that my life will likely always swirl with clouds and darkness. The water will always be deep. And, at least for this life, God will likely be my only lasting source of peace, hope, and simplicity in life. Yes, I'll find moments of peace and happiness... but I'm on a battlefield. Let's be real here. I'm fighting for souls, and that means warring with devils, demons, and the natural man. Life is going to be rough.

But that's ok, right?

Ok because one person is worth it. My own soul is worth it. And even if my soul doesn't make it, lifting someone else is still worth it too.

There are people who work as forest and fire rangers in places hundreds of miles from civilization. They work to protect the safety of wildlife and surrounding communities... and give up contact with the world around them.

In the world before this, perhaps I signed up to be a ranger for souls. Maybe that's why God has left me single for so long... or why He has been so deeply involved in my life. Why He puts people in my path. Why I constantly run into walls and learn to be humble.

God has a work for everyone who comes to this world. A calling and a purpose and a meaning and a place in the Plan of Happiness.

May I continue to seek and find meaning, purpose, happiness, and peace in mine.

Sunday, October 8

He Will Hear Me

Last night I found myself emotionally exhausted. The source isn't important. Whether from the stress of figuring out life/work/relationships or a mind still recovering from being sick, I felt awful. Anxious. Tired. Lonely.

So much so that I couldn't bring myself to do anything that would usually calm, or at least numb, my soul. Music sounded hollow. Video games blasé. Books an endless series of words without getting to meaning.

And then, in a clear tone that cut through the mud of my mind, came a thought:

"You could read the scriptures."

My room was still just as silent. My world hadn't changed from one moment to the next. My feelings were tumultuous as ever. But as I pulled up Alma 55, turned on the recording, and laid there listening to words written thousands of years ago, everything else disappeared.

And life was ok.

The war chapters moved on, and the angst inside me slowly subsided.

God is there. He is real. And while life is hard, complicated, and messy, following Him will always be worth it. He never forgets me, even if I am slow to remember Him.

And as added proof, as I finished writing the last paragraph, a knock echoes on my front door. It was a couple leaders from my Elder's Quorum... just stopping by because they felt like they should. My ward has enormous boundaries, with hundreds of people. God works through people, as well calming my soul. And I'm grateful for both.

Again, God is there. He's real. He will always remember me. He hears my prayers even when I don't speak them aloud. He cares about me and is always there to listen and guide my path.

And following Him will always be worth it.

Sunday, July 9

A Place to Belong

I had a heartbreaking professional realization. I'm not sure where I belong.

When I was younger I dreamed of having a 9-5 where I loved my work and could come home and rave about the things I did. A supervisor I loved working for, a business that made the world a better place, coworkers who doubled as friends.

I tried out my dream jobs. And they were everything I had dreamed. I did consulting in far-flung places and boardrooms and was a film actor. I performed as a singer downtown and wrote for a game design company. I published books and recorded music and started my own businesses. Everywhere I went, there was something important to be done, and as I worked on each project I honestly believed I would stay there forever.

And then time passed, and the crazy projects that had lit a fire within me shifted from creation to implementation. Sometimes there was another project that could hold me there. And maybe even another. But inevitably they ran out, and deep inside me I found my heart turning somewhere else. Wanting. Needing. Craving change and a dynamic that none of my dream jobs could consistently provide.

And it's still happening.

I remember believing that I'd work at Soap Factory until I died. And yet, only a few years into building a business from scratch, I found myself pulling away. My fully stocked experimental workshop ran out of recipes. The constantly shifting process finally settled down. And while I still worked there many days each week and loved the time I did, my heart turned elsewhere.

And then last night people came to Epiphany. While I was designing Epiphany I felt that I could make it last for life. It could be my mark on the world and how I'd spend the rest of my time.

The people who came had a blast. 

I did too. 

And yet...

Even while it was happening I found myself thinking that I should hire someone to run the event so I could yet again move on.

I likely will.

And *that* is somewhat depressing. With Soap Factory I had two years after we opened before my heart began to stray. Two weeks really doesn't feel fair.

If I don't feel like I'm supposed to stay with the businesses I built myself, where do I belong? What am I supposed to be doing?

Monday, June 19

Go For It

I'm reading a book called "The Happiness Project." Long story short, it's really good. And simultaneously (likely because the author did the same) I've found the courage to do things I've wanted to do in life.

First, I'm hosting a picnic for all bloggers (or whatever if you count yourself in) who live in or around Provo/Orem this Friday in my backyard. You can look up the event details on Facebook. It's been a mess trying to track down *all* the people who blog in the area, since there isn't a directory of any sort (I guess that information is technically available... if I asked Google Fiber to delve into their analytics for Blogger-based blogs and contacted Wordpress I'd be set, but I doubt even they are allowed to amass a data set like that). And my history with hosting parties is... most of the time attendance is zero. Even with a dozen RSVP's. So hosting a first-of-summer picnic for potentially hundreds of strangers and their families is likely out of my league, but I'm doing it anyway. It'll be a great excuse to grab a picnic blanket, take out a sandwich and some fruit, and maybe even make some new friends.

I'm also starting my next business. It's called Epiphany (the name came to me in a wash of inspiration... pun not intended), and I have never been more excited about a business. Our opening day (as long as everything falls into place) is Saturday July 1 at 6:00pm at 12 W Center Street in Provo (inside The Sweet Tooth Fairy). Epiphany is an experience designed to change the way people live their lives. The groups and individuals I've taken through have all loved it. You laugh, cry, sweat, feel, and ultimately hopefully find your own epiphany for change. If you want to come, you're welcome to - just show up at 6:00pm. There's more information on the website - Epiphany

And... once those are happening, I'm also starting Grace again. This one is the most currently stressful, because Grace was such an awesome experience the first time around. And the fear of doing it wrong the second time has kept me from even trying. To counter that, we won't have an official start... just slowly collect people who want to be part of it and have adequate time to practice and perform.

And, finally, I dusted off two of the novels I've been writing (truthfully, it's been years since I touched them) and started adding to them again. I think the goal I made on Saturday to write 2000 words a day (what it would take to finish both by the end of Summer) might be pushing it, so I'm just going to stick with writing as much as I want, when I feel like it.

Oh. And I'm trying to start dating girls again. Someone suggested I download a swiping app... but those are problematic because I swipe left on everyone. I think going old school might work better. So if anyone wants to set me up on a blind or double date with someone who lives within 10 miles (max) of Orem, I'd love your help. Please don't tell me about the girl, because I already know that doesn't work. Just set us up. If you tell her I'm gay then let me know so I'm not wondering if I have to come out over dinner. And if we get married I'll pay you a finders fee or let you name my fourth child or build a wing of a hospital in your honor or give you a hug or something.

I guess a lot is happening.

Saturday, June 10

5 Friends: Turmoil

One of my biggest concerns in learning to make friendships involves a fear of betraying the people I try to befriend. I sometimes... often... ok, pretty much every single time I want to get close to someone... feel that there is no possible way to adequately prepare people for what being my friend will entail. A dozen IRB-approved waivers, endless vulnerable soliloquies, and even reading my mind through a binge of (G)MG wouldn't cut it.

I realize that everyone is different from their first impression. That everyone has flaws. That everyone needs people who forgive and work to improve their lives. But, for better or worse, real or not, I honestly also feel like I'm an outlier in this world too. As people get to know me, I inevitably end up as someone dramatically different from what they expected. And I wish I could fix that.

I also sometimes feel enormous guilt for even trying to make friends. While others see me as a totally normal (or perhaps slightly different) person, I know, fully well, that most of my friendships will not work out. I know from past experience that I will probably leave indelible marks on the lives of the other people involved. And while some marks may be positive, others have caused unimaginable chaos.

I've realized that I can't take responsibility for all of the chaotic things that happen in other people's lives when I'm around them. Some are directly my fault, caused by my own personal, knowing mistakes. Others are my cause - where I do something and unknowingly cause pain - like when I dated three best friends in a row (they didn't live together... how was I supposed to know they were best friends? Or know that I wasn't supposed to anyway?) or when I asked a girl for dating advice because she was the only one I trusted... and she was interested in me. And others just happen. Family members get sick, challenges intensify, life gets more and more complicated, and the fact that complications seem to magnify in my presence isn't my "fault," persay. Sometimes I try to convince myself that people need to get through their challenges and maybe it just speeds up the process. But that really doesn't work. I've seen enough people start to get close to me and then have once-in-a-lifetime emotional breakdowns that I can't just sweep it under the rug.

But those aren't the worst.

I can forgive myself for the chaos I didn't directly cause in someone's life.

The worst are the things that I could have known better, should have known better. The mistakes I make because I'm human, mortal, and imperfect. Some are mundane - I text someone too many times, or use the wrong words in a conversation. Some are manageable - I forget people's names and, often, everything about them within less than a day unless I write it down in a note file on my phone. 

And some... these are the ones that keep me awake at night... some are things I do that are simply wrong. True sins, where my actions turn away from God and lead someone else down the path to darkness. I don't even feel comfortable writing them down. And even as I feel more comfortable, I tell myself that I can't place what they were, except for the most atrocious ones, because in the moment I am so deeply ashamed that I bury them in the furthest recesses of my mind.

As much as everyone sins, as imperfect as the entire world may be, the fact that *I* am a sometimes servant of darkness, and that *I* have marred, shattered, and destroyed people and potential close relationships in that role... that's a pain only God can take away.

The people stay. Burned indelibly in my mind are those whose lives and feelings and souls I've hurt. I might forget a friend in a day. But the people I hurt decades ago... I still remember. I still remember throwing a water polo ball at Jenny Welter's face. A moment killed what was there. I didn't realize we had been friends. Years later I still feel regret.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the enormous mistakes I make in life and relationships. I'm sorry for often being accompanied by chaos and change. I'm sorry for being imperfect, yet appearing normal. I'm sorry for building people up and then letting people down. I'm sorry for my sins, my inadequacies, my poor understanding of everything. I'm sorry for affecting lives and relationships and friendships and families. I'm sorry for everything I've done that has caused pain. To each of you, and especially those I care for most and your loved ones, I am sorry.

I can't promise I will make no more mistakes. On the contrary, being close to me will likely always bring turmoil... and I am woefully imperfect. But... and this takes effort for me to believe... it's worth it. I am worth it. A friendship with me is worth it to me, and worth it to even those I've hurt. And that's why I'm willing to try and try again.

Jagged rips
Fiery wounds
Caution blends with pain
Forearms tear and scratches burn
And yet I blunder on, believing.
The ache lingers
And then, within a moment,
Is quenched by the aroma
Of the rose.