Sunday, August 23

Dreams, Goals, and Realities

I don't have many dreams. Most of my time is spent working, pushing slowly forward in the day-to-day grind, and I don't spend a lot of time looking 5, 10, or even 1 year down the road of life. I enjoy my work, I enjoy what I do, and I'm good.

It wasn't all that long ago that I had lots of dreams. Lots of ideas, lots of passion, lots of things I wanted to accomplish someday. I had ten thousand things on my mind, and everything I did was moving me in some small way towards a massive, inspiring goal and dream for the future.

I don't know what it was that made that all fade.

But it has.

I have some goals, but most of them are short-term. I want to help this person come back to Church. I want to help that person have a better day. I want to learn how to be a better friend. I want to read my scriptures today.

The long-term ones are quietly sitting in the background. I want to be married someday, and raise a family of my own. I want to be an awesome dad, husband, friend, leader, follower, brother, son, and servant of God. I want to make a difference in the world of education and in the world as a whole.

So how can I step outside of the day-to-day and actually *do* something else? How can I make meaningful goals that will shape my life and the decisions that I stand to make? I could move my business and completely re-do our business model. I could open up other stores under the same model. I could franchise. 

Or I could just do the same thing I've been doing, and not have to worry about planning or making goals or anything else. 

Any changes made in my life, even minor ones, could... most likely would... introduce more stress. It's not likely that I would all-out fail; while failure is a definite possibility, I'm usually conservative enough that I don't jump into something without the tools to at least stay afloat. But changes would bring stress. Yes, they could also help me become happier, eventually improve my life, and make a difference in the world.

But there's a significant portion of myself that pushes back even on those thoughts. If I'm happy with life as it is, do I need to move forward?


Deep inside me, there's something that is shouting. Shouting that complacency is wrong, that there is always room to grow, that life is meant for change. 

It's a familiar voice. It's the voice that has always been playing in my soul, and the voice that I then share with others when they're stuck in their own lives.

But there's another part inside me that is saying, "What's wrong with taking a break? I've never been *able* to be complacent before. I've never had my needs met like I do now. I had major depression, or I didn't enjoy my day-to-day, or something else was tearing my soul apart. This is the first time that I've ever really been satisfied. Can't I just stay here and be happy?"

I never understood that mentality before. I never understood how someone could *not* want to grow and change and move.

But part of it, I guess, is that I had never had the desire to keep things the same. Change was the thing that kept me going - not because I had a perfect gospel perspective of growth, but because change was the only thing that could potentially meet my needs - one need here, another there, another there - all in an effort to make life worthwhile over the course of so much tumult.

Faced with my life today, I feel a very different set of desires, and making plans for the future feels like doing chores rather than pursuing my deepest dreams.

I still *feel* like pursuing goals and dreams are important. I feel like I need to make goals. I feel like I need to step out of the life I have today, look at the future, determine what I want, and go for it... even if it means tearing apart what I have right now. Keep the awesome things, improve on the good, and toss the bad or turn it around. And I feel like it will be good for me, in addition to being the right thing to do from a gospel or eternal perspective.

I guess, right now, I do have one dream. 

I want to be able to have both feelings in my life. I want to honestly be happy in the day-to-day of my life - truly and honestly and authentically happy with the things I do and the people I love - and also be happily and constantly working to improve and be better.

So I'll probably have to sit down and make other goals today. Dream other dreams.

I can do this.

Sunday, August 2

Choosing Sides

It feels like we are dividing. On the one hand, more and more people are devoting their lives to God. On the other, more and more are turning away. And there are fewer and fewer people in the middle.

I'm aware enough of reality that I realize this may be a microcosmic event - one that is just happening in my little world. A handful of my cousins are being married in the temple, making choices to move forward, determining how to best follow God... while others I know are just as clearly choosing to move away from God. Going from full activity in the Church, sharing heartfelt testimony, and helping people change their lives one month to actively dating the same gender the very next. But I feel like it's bigger than just my little world. It feels like all over, people are making their decision - *the* decision - to completely dedicate their lives to God or to follow their own paths.

I'm not sure why it feels so extreme. I remember not all that long ago, people's testimonies would slowly begin to struggle, atrophy, die, and then their habits would change just as slowly. It was slow, painstaking, and deceptively minute with each step. People still do that. But more and more often, people today seem to undergo that same process - one that often took years - in a matter of weeks. And people I had a powerful gospel conversations with just a few months ago have already left the Church and told everyone there is no chance of their coming back.


It's not surprising that it is happening. The world itself seems to be dividing on the topic of God - with one side pushing Him entirely out of the public sphere, and the other fighting to keep Him at the forefront. It's the topic in the news, in politics, everywhere I look.

But what can I do about it?

I'm terrible at making friends. I'm socially awkward. I don't pick up on social cues. When someone I know is struggling, I sometimes can't tell. But even when I can get to know someone, and I know they need my help, is my effort really enough to make a difference?

Today in Sacrament meeting I found myself watching people. Looking at their faces and going through the few things I know about them... and wondering what spiritual trials they face. The two men who left halfway through testimony meeting - what is happening in their lives? The people who sit quietly alone, or the people who arrive on time with honest smiles, or the people who are visibly hiding their stress for an hour or three - what are their lives like? What are the solutions to the complex circumstances that give them spiritual  pain?



And is that even the right approach?

I had a dream once where I was in a war. I've written about it before... and I don't want to take the time to explain it all or to cut it short. But, in that dream, as I thought about how to fight a war in a world full of darkness, where both sides were comprised of people I knew, and where lethal weapons were made of light, I had the prompting to turn my focus inward. To shine the light in my hand on myself. And to burn the impurities out of my own life. And, once I had, to encourage others to do the same.

Remembering that dream right now is probably not just simple coincidence. I was asking the same question then that I'm asking now... and I guess that's the answer I'm looking for. I don't have to have the answers to people's questions to make a difference. I don't have to know exactly how to address their concerns, have a silver bullet of faith, or understand exactly what they are going through to help them to find peace in their trials. I just need to be able to improve my relationship with God in my own life... and then encourage others to do the same. That's how all of us will find answers in our lives - by turning to God.

That said, it seems a hundred times easier, but still hard. How easy can it be to show up at someone's door and encourage them to turn to God? 

But how hard can it be?

Maybe I don't have all the answers. Maybe I don't know exactly what to say. Maybe I'm socially awkward... and even socially broken. But I can turn to God, and encourage someone else to do the same.

And that's enough to make a difference.

Sunday, July 12

The Family: A Proclamation to the World: It Applies to Me

I was 8 or 9 when The Family: A Proclamation to the World was given to the world. I remember reading, memorizing, and searching it. Signing my name on a poster declaring that I would support and sustain and protect the family as it is declared there. Having heated discussions in Sunday School about the "ideal" family. Figuring out how the proclamation applied to those with single mothers or fathers, to those with broken families, to those with parents who hadn't been sealed. And as we spoke and discussed for the months that followed, we each gained a personal testimony of the truth of the words of the prophets. I gained a testimony.

I'm glad that I did. In the years between then and now, the world has changed.

In recent days, the family has yet again come under fire. It's been 20 years since the publication of the proclamation. In that time, same-sex sexual relations have gone from illegal and unconscionable to the other extreme: both popular and endorsed by government funds and laws. The divorce rate has risen, and the number of children born out of wedlock has grown. In some countries, churches have relinquished their ecclesiastical authority to perform marriages as government regulations would require them to officiate at immoral unions. During the time of Moses, people were stoned to death for sexual sin - showing the gravity and importance of marriage in the right way. Today, Christian businesses and churches are sued, fined, and forced to close when they refuse to sponsor same-sex weddings, beginning first with reception halls, moving on to bakeries, florists, photographers, and artists... and continuing with restaurants and then anywhere the public is allowed. In Denmark, where church and state are intertwined, state-sponsored churches are forced by government mandate to allow same-sex weddings in their places of worship, even if priests or pastors object.

Today I want to share my personal testimony that The Family: A Proclamation to the World still applies to every single person in the world. It applies to me. It applies to the autistic me - who may never really understand social norms, and who may never find an eternal companion able to handle the different way I think. It applies to the bipolar me - who still thinks that I'm simultaneously superman and less than dust, and runs into rough issues in differences of thought. And it applies to the same-sex attracted me - who has never fallen in love with a girl and doesn't know how I ever will.

While the ideal may seem literally impossible in some cases, and even if it truly *is* impossible, The Family: A Proclamation to the World still applies. But it's more than simple application - in cases where the ideal isn't possible, the proclamation applies even more fully. By following the teachings of Jesus Christ, keeping the commandments, and honoring God, we will be valuable members of families. 

The gospel applies to all men and women everywhere. No matter what the circumstance, no matter what the trial, no matter what has happened, following the principles of the gospel will always lead to greater happiness, fulfillment, joy, peace, and growth than any other alternative. While I may not fit in easily to the ideal shown in the Family Proclamation, that's ok. Many families don't. But if I am willing to follow God's counsel and keep His commandments no matter how large the sacrifice, He will ultimately help me achieve the ideal - whether in this life or the next.

Saturday, June 27

List of Religious Businesses to Support

June 26, 2015.

The day the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a right to marry throughout the USA.

And the day I completely lost faith in the US government.

I read the opinions of the Supreme Court a few minutes after they went live online. And among the frustration voiced in the dissenting opinions and the unsubstantiated arguments by the majority, I had a realization:

There isn't anything I can do about this anymore. The political process is broken.

When it was an issue of the states, or even of the federal legislature, I could rally, vote, donate, debate, persuade, and do everything in my power to help people see my point of view on the legality of same-sex marriage. But that's not an option anymore. I mean, we could go for a constitutional amendment, but the last time that happened was before I was born, or at least conscious of reality. I think the age of federal amendments is honestly over - who would vote for something so overarching when one wordcould be so easily misinterpreted by the courts ten, twenty, or two years from now? I probably wouldn't.

And so my efforts need to go somewhere else. When I lost faith in the education system, I put my efforts into Church and business. So I decided to do the same thing again. I pulled up my web browser to look for religious-friendly businesses and Google had a thing that said they celebrated gay marriage. I closed Chrome and opened Firefox instead. But I soon realized that I didn't know which businesses had morals that aligned with mine. And searches weren't turning anything up. If I really want to support companies who spend their philanthropic dollars (all companies have them) supporting causes I agree with, instead of fighting against them, I need to know who to support.

The lists of pro-gay and anti-Christian companies are easy to find. The HRC publishes a list of companies that actively give money for and openly support the legalization of gay marriage. But it's hard to find companies on the other side.

So I'm making a list.

It will probably be a dangerous list. People have been sued for being faithfully religious in their business dealings; others have been slandered in media, threatened, or physically assaulted; and countless have been murdered for making their moral beliefs known.

But if I want to support businesses that worship God, I'm sure there are others who want the same. And whether the owners are Catholic, Protestant, Mormon, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, or another faith, as long as they are actively trying to make the world a more faithful place, I'll choose them over the godless any day.

To be added to this list:
Send me an email (my address is listed here on the blog) with the following information from an official business email address:
Your name (will not be published)
Your title (will not be published)
Your phone number (will not be published)
The name of your business
Your county and state (for sorting on this list)
A few lines about what your business does
How you actively use money earned by your business to glorify God
Affirmation that you actively support traditional marriage, reject abortion, etc.

And I'll add you. There may be a delay, and I may have to contact you. 

You may nominate a business you don't own, but I will have to contact the owner - so please give me that information -unless they have been in the news, in which case I will add them if you send a link to the news article.

You may not nominate MLM's (multi-level-marketing companies, independent distributors, etc) or similar companies. Franchises may be added at the corporate level or locally only if corporate does not actively support gay marriage or other activities.

Here's the list.

List of Religious Businesses to Support:
Sorted by state and county

Utah County

Nature's Fusions Essential Oils
Premium Essential Oil company, brand is sold in health food stores globally.
This is my (Mormon Guy) company.

The Soap Factory
Make your own soap, lotion, scrubs, chocolate, and trail mix using premium ingredients.
This is my (Mormon Guy) company. 

Sunday, June 7


It's been a long time since I've written.

What was once a habit - a habit I began on my mission to write about my life at least weekly - disappeared almost overnight when I was called to be a ward mission leader.

At least that was my excuse.

Sundays went from being a quiet day of respite and peace, to suddenly jumping from one meeting to the next. I had meetings every Sunday beginning at 8:30, and didn't finish with meetings until 8:30 at night. There were a few short breaks here and there, just long enough to make a phone call or fall asleep dead on the floor, but by the time I actually had time to think and ponder, I was so tired I couldn't do it anymore.

And then I started a new business that took all my spare time from the rest of the week...

So yeah.

When I went to my mission reunion over General Conference, my mission president chastised me for not writing. He told me that I needed to write, and that it wasn't ok to just stop. That statement hit me really close to home. President Rhien didn't really give a ton of counsel during my mission. He was a very hands-off mission president, at least in my case, and only told me to do or not do things a couple times in personal interviews. I still remember all of them. So when he told me I needed to write, even though I'm sure that he meant it in the kindest, least commanding way, that counsel got linked to the pieces of counsel he'd given in the past. In the months since, I've honestly wanted to start writing again. To find the meaning that words gave me, as well as the ability to better manage my stress and work through my emotions on a page. And not just for him, but for me.

But the next Sunday I had meetings again.

Today I was released from my calling as a ward mission leader. And since I don't have meetings in half an hour, I have time to think.

And to write.

I was going to just write in a journal, because I'm too scared to just start sending emails to people out of the blue... after disappearing for so long. But even when I didn't send emails in the past, I still wrote here. (G)MG has been partially my journal, even if it only chronicled a part of my life. So I'm writing here.

Today I'm fasting for myself. It's been a while since I've fasted for me. Usually I try to find something outside of myself to fast for, when I remember to begin a fast at all. I work until 10 most Saturdays, and I have a bad habit of not taking food with me to work, even for an entire 10 or 12-hour shift. But I remembered yesterday, and I began a fast, and I made a fast offering today with the cash sitting on my desk. And I'm fasting because I need to improve my spirituality... and I need help in the physical world as well.

Physically, I have an inspection in my store tomorrow morning. It's with the Utah Department of Agriculture, and if the inspection goes well, the location will be registered as a food production facility. People will be able to make their own food on-site. I'll start with exclusively shelf-stable food, like make-your-own salted trail mixes, that doesn't require processing, heating, or cooling to specific temperatures, and then expand if I need to. If the inspection doesn't go well... then weeks of preparation and testing will be frustrated. But I'm committed to do whatever it takes to make it go well... and the inspector seems like a reasonable guy... so I'm hopeful that he won't just flat-out tell me no. I've honestly tried my best to prepare. I read the entire 2013 FDA Food Code last week, as well as all the Utah legislation on food production, and I feel like it will work. I spent hours on Saturday cleaning the store: scrubbing tables, counter tops, sinks, and floors while it poured rain outside. Then the rain cleared, and 30 people showed up all at once, with the last checkout long after closing time. Which means I'll be there tomorrow morning early to clean again. *sigh* But I'm hopeful.

Spiritually, I need to talk with God more. I need to be closer to Him. He gives me guidance constantly - I get ideas and feelings and thoughts that help me in every aspect of my life - but I'm realizing that I haven't been turning to Him as much as I should. And, when I do turn to Him, I feel a twinge of guilt, as if I don't deserve to even be talking with Him... let alone to get the blessings that I'm asking for. I realize that the feeling of guilt when talking with God is completely wrong, because no one is ever too far gone to merit the love and communication with God, but the reality is that I feel it. And so I need help being closer to Him.

I also fasted this week for help figuring out my life. Nothing in particular, since I have some goals already and things that I want to accomplish. I just... the reality is that I've gone too long without putting my feelings on paper and being able to work with them. So long that I couldn't identify the feeling of confusion, listlessness, and misdirection as the once-familiar feeling of "I need to write."

So I'm thankful that it's a Fast Sunday. And that I have a new calling wherein I attend roughly a quarter of the meetings as compared to my previous one.

Though, in reality, I'm sure it wasn't really my calling or the meetings or even food that kept me away. Part of it was probably fear of beginning again - when you go for long enough without writing, you feel like you have to have something meaningful to say if you're going to start again. Another part was feeling like it didn't really make a difference. Thankfully, today I realized that while I may write, or blog, for others, ultimately it makes me a better person. And when I have nothing valuable to say to someone else, my mission president's counsel still holds true. I need to write. It's not ok to just stop.

And so I feel hopeful about the spiritual part of my fast, too.

Sunday, March 8

Everyone is Different. The Gospel is the Same.

I got back at this morning from National Products Expo West. We closed our booth a day early so we could come home and attend Church. With the combination of Anaheim traffic, driving East, and Daylight Saving Time, we got back at 8:50 this morning. I definitely missed the 7:30 priesthood leadership meeting. But I had time to shower and dress for Stake Conference - where I am now.

Some people wished us well at leaving the expo early. Others questioned if the show authorities had given us permission (they had). And yet others questioned why we cared so much about church. Ironically, the ones in the last category were invariably Christian or LDS themselves - and had already made plans to be at the expo Sunday.

Sometimes I forget how different my life really is. How different my experiences are. How different my assumptions and worldviews are... even in the world of the Church. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the combination of having been bipolar, autistic, and being attracted to guys. Maybe it's just the autism. I don't know. But sometimes I just feel... different.

Today one of the speakers spoke briefly about same-sex attraction. He has a close friend who's attracted to guys... and his comments reminded me again that my experience is different. Most people in my congregation don't really know what same-sex attraction really means. Nonetheless, they still have to figure out how to reconcile it with the tenets of The Plan of Salvation. They have to come to a knowledge of how the Gospel of Jesus Christ works for everyone - even though they may not even understand what happens in the lives of others.

That sounds hard.

I guess I just wanted to share my personal testimony today that the Gospel really does work for us. That God truly cares about all His children... and that the commandments were designed to help each of us come closer to Him and find true, lasting happiness. Following the path of the Gospel, 100%, will always bring greater happiness and blessings than any other alternative. 

Life is different for each of us. But, thankfully, we have a God who cares and is willing to help us find direction. Right now I'm asking Him for help in my life - trying to figure out how to build the future of my life. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that if I'm willing to follow God, and I do all I can to keep His commandments, it will all work out.

Sunday, January 18

I Miss Depression

I don't understand myself.

I have my own business - a place I love to work. I have a best friend and plenty of people who care about me. I have food, clothing, a place to sleep, and the freedom to worship God.

And yet...

I'm not even sure if I want to write this post. My mom wrote a group text to the family asking us to do family history, and at the same time I was reminded of the dozens of things on my to-do list... and the billions of people in the world (and thousands within my reach) who could use a friend.

And despite everything, I miss my depression.


I miss depression.

If you've followed my blog for long enough, you know that I was diagnosed with rapid-cycle bipolar a few years ago (at the same time I was diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder). I went on medication for a little while, then miraculously found an extreme diet that ultimately cured me of bipolar mood swings. I've been off the diet for months and life is normal.

And I am awful at normal.

I could go into the newfound issues I have in keeping commitments without a hypomanic phase to lean on, or my complete inability to remember one day from another without the powerful emotional moments to which I had grown accustomed... but right now I just miss my depression.

The logical side of my brain is rebelling. Depression is an awful thing. It made me want to die. It killed my relationships. It smashed my hopes and dreams. It haunted my commitments and burned bridges I had never crossed. Depression would pull me away from relationships I care about and things I never could have done in the past.

And yet... that same depression made me into the guy I am today. It made me aware of the pain that people feel who are depressed. It put me in touch with the world. And it ground me low enough that I was able to open my heart to God.

Right now, though, I guess I'm wishing for depression because I want an excuse for not being good enough in my calling and in life. Or maybe not an excuse - while depression often kept me from doing some things, it actually motivated me to do others. And when I came out of depression, my focus was crystal-clear on what I wanted to accomplish.

Maybe that's what I'm missing. Focus. Focus was always the first thing in helping me figure out my direction in life, and focusing always happened during the depressed moments of my life. It came so easily then. And now it doesn't.

I want to be a better friend. To be healthier. To be a better missionary. A better brother and employer and son.

I didn't ever expect normal life (well, at least my life without bipolar) to be this hard.

Thursday, January 1

Authenticity: I Resolve to Be Real

This year I'm resolving to be real.

Authenticity is a hot topic in the gay world, and especially in the gay Mormon world. And I'm sure I'll get to that. But I feel like modern culture places So. Much. Emphasis. on sexuality that other important issues are completely eclipsed.

There are good reasons that authenticity is at the front of the push in becoming a healthier person. When I believe one thing, and do another, that creates cognitive dissonance. And cognitive dissonance will, over time, destroy my immune system, wear down my beliefs, and/or force me to change my actions. I can't live and honestly believe two different things.

It does depend on how much I actually believe the things I say I do - if I'm ok with lying to others, I could live a duplicitous life without much cognitive dissonance. The Holy Spirit would tell me what I was doing was wrong, but if I silenced it enough times, it would stay silent.

But most people (including myself) realize someday that honesty is a lot less complicated than lies - small or complex. When I live a double life, I have to manage what I've told who, when, and who knows what about the "real" me. Which gets more and more complicated when I add more people, more facets, and when I don't have control over what other people say about me in quiet conversations.

I'm definitely one of the people who has lived inauthentically, at least if I look back in the past. But the reality is that I was living as well as I knew how. I didn't know what I truly believed, and I was living according to some misunderstandings of reality. 

An example: I honestly thought that my personal mission in life - the reason I'm here on the planet and the mission given to me by God - and my career needed to be completely separate. I spent years trying to reconcile the things I love and am good at (mission) with the things that could make money (career, guided by societal expectations). But after years of wading through business consulting, copywriting, and other lucrative endeavors, I've realized that what I believed was only a half-truth. Yes, I needed to find something valuable that I could give to the world in exchange for my personal wellbeing. But it didn't need to be something on the world's terms. It could be on mine. When I opened The Soap Factory, it was a horrific experience. I was scared more than... more than I ever have been in my life. More than the first time I came out, more than getting robbed at gunpoint on my mission, more than anything. But it's worked. I can combine my love of teaching people, building experiences to make people happy, and giving people tools to improve their own decisions... and they love it. And I'm incredibly happy.

Another example: when I told my family, friends, and the Internet about (Gay) Mormon Guy, I was afraid as well. I finally felt like I needed to switch from living a dual life (as Mormon Guy and also as David) to just being me everywhere. I shared it with people, and I felt a wave of relief - not from coming out, but from simply not having to constantly stress and think about that facet of reality.

That's why many people - whether or not they support living by the commandments - usually endorses being authentic in personal and relational situations. The simple act of choosing to live a single life, rather than two or three, can be a huge step in reaching personal happiness.

But that's also the source of danger. Living a double life is so stressful that the decision to live authentically will almost ALWAYS lead to positive benefits. Enough so that it can be easy to choose the wrong path - and this time, I'm living authentically, but I'm terribly misled. I can come clean to my parents and tell them that I don't want to live up to their major expectations of becoming a doctor (my parents don't have any such desires, but if they did...), but the resultant bliss and freedom when they accept or reject me doesn't mean that art (which may be my passion at the moment) is honestly the right choice for my future. It just means that I feel relief from the stored up cognitive dissonance.

I've seen a lot of people who made faulty decisions because they based their choices on the high that came from being real, instead of determining deep down who they really wanted to be.

Which leads to the question: what does it mean to be authentic?

Usually the push for authenticity leans exclusively towards emotions. It says, "whatever emotion you are feeling right now, let it push and guide and command you." "If someone else has told you something that conflicts, follow your heart." But that logic fails in billions of situations. When I was honestly, truly depressed, the authentic thing to do under that dogma would be to kill myself. Because that is what I honestly wanted to do. And if you've never really been suicidal, that will make no sense. When I was trying to reach out to people, and got hurt emotionally from attempting to make friends, or when I'm completely exhausted emotionally, I have the honest desire to cut off communication with everyone and retreat to a little bubble of quiet. But that's not really the right thing to do for myself either. So I personally believe that authenticity isn't following just my feelings. It's also not just following my rational logic (which for most people is just feelings that have been souped up by biased research from someone else who believes the same thing). I think that authenticity is being true to what I truly believe.

Which makes sense. Beliefs are something that can still exist even in depression - at least they could for me. And beliefs - in God, in His commandments that lead to happiness, and so forth - ultimately determine what I'm going to do. 

Hence the one caveat I always give to someone who asks me how they can stop living a lie. If they simply snap to one side of their feelings, it's likely that the resultant bliss will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it may not be the right path. So, before they jump into the water, I tell them to figure out what they truly believe.

I truly believe that God exists. That He loves me. And that since He loves me, He has created an experience here on earth to help me grow. He allows me to feel pain and sorrow, to be blessed and cursed, to walk in darkness and in light... so that I can become a better person and turn to Him. In my darkest hours, He has always been there - both helping me get through it, and pushing me further than I would have gone on my own. And if I follow Him and His commandments, I will find true, lasting fulfillment and eternal happiness and peace.

Those are my basic beliefs - and so authenticity is living and communicating accordingly.

It's obviously not always that simple. Figuring out what is real - what to believe in - is a difficult process. It took me two degrees and a dozen career changes to find one that's authentic to who I really am. And for a really long time I had MAJOR misunderstandings about the gospel - I believed completely the wrong things, even though the prophets had always taught differently - and thought that I was doing something wrong when I was actually believing something wrong. But it's worth it. The time to really understand the gospel and how to live it every day is worth it. The time to figure out who I really am and what makes me tick is worth it. Hence why I'm going to keep going.

The gospel is true. Living honestly according to the commandments of God brings awesome peace. Living authentically in the business world optimizes my passions, talents, and the needs of others. And living authentically to myself brings me simple peace.

This year I'm resolving to be real.

Friday, November 21

The Soap Factory

It's been a while since I updated. A million things have happened, most of which I probably should have written about. But instead of boring cyberspace with a long list of the recent events in my life, I'll just stick with today.

I have mixed feelings about this post, since it's about my business. I think I've mentioned my business only a few times before, and even though I'm fine with other people writing about businesses on their blogs, I shy away from that kind of thing on mine. But there are a couple of people who read this who wil probably care, so I'm writing it. ;)

I just opened a retail store in Provo.

Ironically (given the context of same-sex attraction and gay stereotypes), it's a make-your-own bath & beauty store.

My company (Nature's Fusions) needed a new location, and we've been scouting out places to rent for almost a year. Our first lease ended when a torrential rainfall poured through the ceiling, then through the floor, and we found endless wallboards completely packed with mold. Not really the place where you could make all-natural stuff with organic ingredients and no artificial preservatives. Yikes.

Thankfully the landlord let us out of the lease and a few months later we found a new spot that's more conducive to our needs.

Simultaneously, I had the desire to open my own business (yet again), but this time to teach people and enable them to create something useful and beautiful. Hence the vision for The Soap Factory. We provide the bases and raw ingredients, silicone molds, mix-ins, essential oils, and natural pigments to make soap, lotion, scrubs, and more. Everything is 5 cents/gram, with a lab fee that covers mix-ins and essential oils.

I was terrified that no one would come. I put my entire bank account into buying supplies for the store, choosing decor, and prepping for customers. We opened a little over a week ago.

And people came. Not a ton of people, but enough to make me feel like it was going to work out. Older couples who were out on a date. Young singles out with friends who made presents for Christmas. Families with little kids. A woman who simply bought unscented hand-made lotion and soap without mix-ins because that was what she needed.

We had some news coverage as well - I sent out press releases to a couple of locations (as did my brother) and two places have done stories thus far -

On CBS KUTV 2 News This Morning (TV):

At the Daily Herald (print):

We're having our grand opening this week, through Saturday the 22nd. Everyone who makes a purchase gets a free 15ml bottle of peppermint essential oil (retail $15), and half-off lab fees (usually $5/person).

As far as how this is affecting my life... Life is amazing. There are still huge issues to resolve, like how I can be a friend when I'm managing a store. How to better manage my time so I'm not a workaholic (as runs in my family). How to get enough people inside the store to break even and then (hopefully) make enough money to support myself and others. Or whether to introduce custom lip balms or lotion bars as our next product ;)

But seriously, it's made me smile a whole lot more. I didn't realize how much I missed helping and teaching people. Watching their eyes light up as they unmold a particularly beautiful soap. Helping customers choose a scent that their grandmother would like, or watching them laugh as they talk an hour or two away. And watching my brothers and best friend/employee have a blast helping people as well.

Hopefully The Soap Factory will be hugely successful, and I can open up more locations for people to make their own custom creations, or franchise, or whatever. For now though, I'm glad I had the courage to try, and the preparation from God to make it work. Having an MBA makes sense now when it didn't in the past... and I can make business decisions that actually help people have a better experience and a better life.


Now if only the rest of life were as simple.

*other info*

Nature's Fusions & The Soap Factory
1394 N Freedom Blvd, Provo, UT 84604
Open Mon-Sat 12-10


Instagram: @soapfactoryprovo

Twitter: @make_soap


Sunday, November 2

Being a Better Friend

It's been a long time since I've blogged here, yet again. But Daylight Saving Time just gave me a free hour. So I have some time to think and write.

The last few months have, at least in comparison, been awesome. I no longer get bipolar mood swings, ever, and I can eat carbs again. That's a miracle. My business is doing well... and we're growing popular enough that we have to make a few decisions as to the ultimate direction we want to go. I think I know the answer to at least some of the questions. Not the answer I really wanted, but it's a solution that makes a lot more sense.

I'm also beginning another business to coincide with the launch of our retail store... and just invested my entire life savings into getting it going.

But today, while I have a bunch of business issues I'm facing, stress in my church calling, and fear about my own personal direction... I'm fasting to be a better friend.

You see, the last few months, or maybe years, have done more than just rid me of bipolar. Somehow along the way I started making friends. When I was younger - and even in college - my friendships didn't really last long. If I had someone to confide in, it was for a few months at most before circumstance pulled us apart. And, most of the time, I felt like I had no one that I could really have as a friend.

Part of my problem was expectation. I think I wanted one friend who would meet all my needs... and I didn't fully appreciate the people who were part of my life. At the time, I didn't know what to do. But I probably broke more friendships by trying too hard, and giving the unspoken message that I expected too much, than by any other method.

Fast forward to today. And I have a growing list of people now... that I've... I don't know. Not found time for? More like hurt. People who I've hurt. Including my best friend, who gives me a huge amount of time and effort. And this is worse than I ever felt when I was alone. For the first time ever, there are people in the world who want to talk with me. Spend time with me. Be my friend. And I am just as clueless as I was when I tried to make people want me in their lives.

I've realized that the desire to only have  one friend wasn't right for me... because I'm still too needy for one person to handle. I remember a teacher in college talking about that. He said that it's absurd to assume that we will find a friend who can meet all of our social needs. Even in the case of marriage, if you can find someone who meets 80% of your needs, that's awesome - you'll just need to ensure the other 20% are met through outside support. Over decades, you can develop the ability to be closer to 100%, but at least at the beginning it's not going to happen.

So my definition of "friend" has changed and broadened - from someone who could meet all or most of my needs, to someone who is actively involved in my life.

And with that change in definition, I have the sudden realization that I'm a awful friend.

The issue is that I am so awful at being a friend that I break all the rules without even knowing them... and I don't know how to pick up the pieces. People email me, and it takes me weeks to reply. Others leave voicemails and it takes just as long. Sometimes I don't respond to text messages. And even when I feel like I should call someone, I don't.


I can't make life any worse than it was, or make any worse mistakes than I already am. I'll probably end up hurting people I care about... but I do that already. My best friend and I find ourselves arguing constantly, and I feel like I'm the reason it happens - both because I don't know how to communicate well, and because I've broken pieces of our relationship I don't yet know how to fix.

So today I'm fasting with the hope that I can learn to be a better friend... and be guided to do the right things for me and for other people. My free time is going to be chopped into pieces when I open my retail store in 10 days, so I know I'll need the divine help even more.

Is learning to be a friend this hard for everyone? Or am I just doing it much later in life? If this is the social chaos that hits people in middle school and high school... I can understand why the teenage years are usually incredibly stressful times of life. It just took me an extra 16 years to get here.

... Life. I get the feeling that my life is so not normal. But, then again, life is unique for all of us. That's something I'm (still) pretty sure of.

Monday, October 6

Supreme Court Denies Gay Marriage Appeal

An apostle spoke yesterday in conference and said that sometimes laws are passed that go against the will of God. That we, as members of the Church, should continue to show kindness even when we deeply disagree with the things our country does.

I wonder if he knew about the SCOTUS reply that was issued today. 

It's possible.

Today the US Supreme Court denied the appeal of Utah and other states that wanted the right to define marriage in their individual state constitution. That ruling effectively strikes down the constitutions in those states... as well as a number of others. Any state under the jurisdiction of each appellate court is now only a bit of red tape away from being required to issue marriage licenses to individuals of the same sex.

Which means that "marriage" is no longer a term I really want to use anymore. It's still an awesome term in my mind - since marriage is ordained of God and is between a man and a woman. Political shifts and legal issues don't change the truth that God teaches. But now every time I say the word "marriage," there's a chance that people will misunderstand exactly what I'm talking about. So I guess "temple sealings" and maybe "future/potential temple sealings" would work?


Did I really choose to live right now? When I find myself embroiled in the midst of an issue threatening to rip the world apart?

I'm against any sexual relations outside marriage between a man and a woman - that's the law of chastity. God can see from His perspective the choices that lead to happiness. Same-gender / gay marriage does not lead to eternal happiness, and so He encourages me to make other choices. I'm grateful for a church that sticks to the truth even when pressured by society... and even though the pressure of society is going to rise. Yeah, I know that many gay marriage supporters claimed that it was simply about equality, but the reality is that most people don't care about equality. They care about acceptance. And there is no way to legislate acceptance.

The Church tries to help people feel loved regardless of their choices. That said, there's still a striking difference between the blessings available to a faithful, celibate gay Mormon and those available to one who got married this morning to a gay partner. The faithful, celibate Mormon can attend (even work) at the temple, hold callings, pay tithing, exercise the priesthood, serve a mission - everything the Church offers. The person who got married this morning can't be a member of the Church, can't pay tithing, can't serve a mission or attend the temple. He can still receive blessings from someone with the priesthood, participate in activities, service, and family history, attend Church and auxiliary meetings, but nothing beyond that. Ever.

The Church doesn't close its doors on anyone. Everyone is invited to come and be as much, or as little, a part of the gospel as they desire. While I'm saddened that the Supreme Court denied the right for states to define marriage, I hope that people who have fought so hard for this issue can finally see that we care about them. I hope the turmoil of the war can cease, and that people can become converted to the gospel. Legislation was never going to change people's hearts; hopefully, now that the legislation is over, people can open their hearts and learn the truth of God's love and His commandments.

It's going to be a rough journey.

Sunday, September 14

A Thousand Years in Zion

We just sang "Come All Ye Sons of God" in stake priesthood leadership meeting and during the 4th verse I actually laughed aloud. "In heavenly bliss your time employ / a thousand years in Zion to praise the Lamb." The thought that being ├╝ber-stressed in continually doing the work of God would translate into supreme joy seems distant right now. I don't think I'm ready for a thousand years of heavenly employment yet. I certainly haven't reached the point where that would bring me bliss. I have trouble living day to day. Stress is slowly wearing me away... and I'm watching myself get pulled thinner and thinner across the issues of my life.

I haven't been writing recently... and for a long time that was my primary method of dealing with stress. I have a lot of stress right now. Maybe today I can begin to regain that habit.

Tomorrow I leave for the East Coast - I'm attending Natural Products Expo East in Baltimore, a massive supplier-retail trade show for the natural health industry. Having a 10x10 booth costs thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars for the opportunity to meet retailers from across the country. That's one source of my stress. I feel like we're much more prepared than we were last year; last year we knew nothing about what to expect, we knew nothing about the show, we knew very little about how to attract retailers at all. This year we have custom displays, a simpler theme, and another year of experience pushing us to pull people from the aisle. But the preparation is still a huge source of stress.

A second source of stress also comes from business. We're opening a retail store in Provo. This is our second attempt at opening one. On the upside, the location we're going for this time is almost guaranteed to have no roof issues, as it's under an apartment complex. No molding walls, crumbling ceilings - this one is almost perfectly ready to move in. But it's still a huge undertaking as we tackle questions about displays, design, theme, exactly what to carry in the store, customer experience, opening hours, marketing and advertising... Yes, we're excited. But I'm also scared. What if we do something that ruins our brand image? What if we launch a retail environment and no one comes, even with a massive coordinated marketing push? I feel like it'll be ok. But I'm still stressed.

Church brings stress as well. My calling is slowly wearing me down - from Wednesday evening visits to early morning meetings throughout the stake to attempting to reactivate and motivate ward missionaries, I'm running out of steam. My temple shift is a great time to feel peace, but it's still 6 hours taken out of each Saturday, and last night it conflicted with stake conference.

Then I have relationship stress. My best friend's grandfather died yesterday, and I'm going out of town and won't be able to be at the funeral. He's trying to figure out his life, and I can't make any of his important decisions for him. And, in reality, I feel just as lost in my own life. Other people around me are going through major crises, and each thing gets added to the burdens I carry each day. Yes, I know I should give all the issues I carry for others to God and let Him take care of it, but I don't.

And then there's just random sources of stress that have to be some sort of Celestial addition to my life. I had a dream last night that really shook me. I was driving down the highway, and noticed a car that had spun out because of gravel on the road. I passed it to the left, and then hit another massive patch of gravel. My car began spinning, spun a three-quarter turn, then tipped over and crunched on the ground. I could see an oncoming truck trying to stop, and I felt the immediate prompting to get out of the car and run for the side of the road. I didn't. The truck hit me, and I woke up.

I felt like I had actually been in a car crash. I still do. My neck hurts. My back hurts. My arms and legs hurt.

So as I was getting ready for stake priesthood leadership meeting this morning, I was wondering what I was supposed to learn, if anything, from this dream. From my huge amounts of stress. From waking up feeling like I've been smashed by a truck. Should I simply drive safely during the 70+ hours of driving I'll be doing in the next week? Follow the promptings of the spirit even when I don't know how I'll be able to? Learn how to better manage the stress that makes me feel like I've been in a car crash?

Maybe all of them.

Someday I hope that I can figure life out. I feel like I'm getting there. Yeah, I'm sore. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. On the edge of getting sick. Falling behind in a thousand different areas. But in the moments when I can step away, life is good. God is amazing. And I'm sure that in the midst of the turmoil and pressure and stress, I'll grow to be something better than what I currently am. And then, maybe someday, I'll be ready for a thousand years in Zion.

Saturday, July 26

Becoming a Friend

I've wanted friends for years. Growing up I saw my siblings with their entourage of friends, and me seemingly alone... and somehow I felt superior. I felt like I didn't need friends. The reality is that I had people who were my friends, but I took them for granted. And I lived somewhat in my own autistic-no-one-else-really-exists world. My friends moved away, and I was still just fine. But a few years later, during a bipolar mood swing, something switched inside my mind. I became acutely aware that I had no friends and suddenly I needed them.

But I couldn't make them. I could be a friend, but something always kept the relationship from working out. My efforts to make friends were smashed over and over and over again. I was probably too needy this time, instead of too detached, and my social awareness was on the level of a newborn. A slow-learning newborn.

After a few years of incredible pain where I realized that I couldn't make friends, I turned to God in total anguish. One night, as I was talking with God, He told me what to do. If I was willing to reach out and help other people - to be a friend to them - He would take care of me.

So I tried.

I tried to make the part of myself that needed friends die, and instead let God be my only Friend. And it worked. Each day I would try to reach out, and the pain would slowly accumulate, and each night God would heal me and give me peace. Sometimes I would wish for something else, but at least I had peace.

I went on my mission and despite my efforts somehow pushed away most of my companions. I still had trouble maintaining friendships. Instead of coming home with a slew of lifelong friends, I had only a few people who were still willing to talk with me. I was getting old enough that everyone I tried to befriend already had friends.

Then God began helping me see some of my personal problems - things that were making it harder for me to be a friend and accept others. Huge pride. Addictions. Mental illness. A lack of awareness of the needs, feelings, and methods of communication of others. Fear.

And slowly we began touching the parts and trying to make them whole.

Addiction was the simplest, but also the longest road. Talk with my bishop, and do anything to get out of it, forever. I turned off my internet and avoided places that could trigger temptation... and didn't give up even after messing up time and time again. I still fight it sometimes.

Learning how others communicate came partially through getting an MBA. Ironic? Yeah. But it worked, at least somewhat. That same group of people helped me overcome fear. I was afraid that people who knew the real me would reject me. But when I shared everything about my life with them, including my blog, the reaction was opposite.

And then I began to tackle mental illness. I did the zero-carb ketogenic diet and the bipolar mood swings went away completely. 2 years on it, and today I'm free of mood swings... permanently. At least so far.

I was at Institute this Wednesday and the teacher mentioned how she wanted to teach dating and courtship because it was such an "awesome" topic. I responded that, for some of us with major issues, dating and courtship is a bittersweet topic. She looked at me as if I were wearing a T-shirt with all my issues listed on it and gave the token "everyone has major issues" response and that there was a girl out there who was willing to live and work through my issues with me. I felt somewhat rebuffed... and countered that a major issue would be falling in love. On that, she agreed - falling in love could be an obstacle.

That's how the conversation has gone for years. But as I walked out to my car, I had a realization. I don't have tons of major issues. At least not anymore. My bipolar has dwindled to simply being a way of thinking - not a life-altering pendulum of despair. My same-sex attraction is only in the background. The demons of addiction are firmly on the losing side of my spiritual war. I am slowly understanding people, and even recognizing sarcastic and nonliteral remarks more often.

And the one issue I have (as far as marriage goes) - falling in love - is something I can't control.

But you don't need to fall in love to make friendship work, and right now I have a best friend. After years of working on myself, I was finally ready for a friend... and I'm grateful.

I looked up at the sunset outside the institute building and felt a wave of peace and surrender. I'm doing my part. God is doing His. Which means it will all work out in the end.

Sunday, June 8


It's been a while. Life has been stressful, and every time I write a blog post something pulls me away before I can finish. And then it happens again, and again, and again.

But in the end it just means I have some great unfinished journal entries. :)

In years past I felt really bad about not posting. (G)MG was part of my duties to the universe, and the longer I went without the bigger the need grew. I still feel the need, but it's not as urgent as it was. Hence the dozens of unfinished posts.

But whatever.

I haven't just forgotten blogging. I missed the North Star LDS conference - completely forgot that it was happening until it was over. I missed people's weddings. I missed birthdays. I missed home teaching appointments that I had personally set. My brain is just forgetting everything.

Part of it is probably stress. Nature's Fusions (my company) just fulfilled a massive order for the TJX group, which includes TJ MAXX and Marshalls. The oils had to have individual boxes, which was the major source of the stress... since the design went through too many iterations, the press wasn't going to be done in time, we weren't sure if we would be able to ship by the deadline...

It all worked out.

We also signed a commercial lease on a building - 2448 N University Parkway in Provo (where there used to be a Greek restaurant). We'll move manufacturing to the basement and then open a retail shop on the top floor.

I hired a friend to work for me knowing we'd need help with the TJX order and the new store, and every waking hour has been dedicated to the business.

Last week the stress hit its peak. I had sores in my mouth from stress, averaged 4 hours of sleep each night, and by the end couldn't handle being around people at all.

But it's good. Like I said, it all worked out... and the rest will work itself out as time moves on. I'm spending a bunch of time on Pinterest looking for retail store design ideas, filling rapidly growing orders from a bunch of new stores and resellers, scheduling trainings and sales pitches, renovating a building that has been empty for years and was trashed by prior tenants, trying to remodel our house to put it on the market, balancing meeting with missionaries and organizing the ward mission...

Life is good. I just wish I had more skills to accomplish the things I need to do. I know literally nothing about interior design, and circumstances have left me with the lion's share of making the new location work.


But there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. One of the things I envisioned - that I'd really like to develop - is a DIY center where people can come to learn and make their own natural health products. The first piece will be a soap bar with melt & pour soap, silicone molds, natural liquid colors, and essential oils. Eventually we'll have ingredients to make a variety of natural home/bath/beauty/household products. And that's something I'm excited about. So even though right now is stressful, I'm glad that there's a goal in sight.

Still no dates recently. I haven't had time... and even though I've wanted to date, I don't know who to ask. There's a girl I met a while ago that I honestly thought about asking out, but she's dating another guy and they're trying to figure out if marriage is an option. I can't really offer much of anything compared to another guy except a whole lot of confusion... so if they break it off, then I'll ask her out. Otherwise I'd rather not. I want to date, but I have so little desire to date specific people that it makes life rough. If you could call it rough. My life is awesome. Compared to what it could be (minus the perspective of the gospel, for example), my problems aren't that big at all.

Before I forget and have to go to sleep to take my brother to the airport in 4 hours... I'm trying to create something out of Grace.

Grace this last semester was an a cappella group focused on uplifting music. I felt like it needed to switch to Christian music, and most of the group members opted to not continue because of time or style concerns. No one showed up to auditions.

But I had a feeling again to go in another direction, but I need help. I want Grace to become a fireside group focused on helping people see the gospel in action.

Background: I think the people at greatest risk of leaving the Church fall in two categories - those experiencing major trials, and those very close to them. The former are directly in the hand of God, and have tons of resources available for them. The latter - the people who see others suffering, but don't see the humility or the love of God or His hand touching their lives - those are the people I am most concerned will leave. And they are leaving. Because they don't have a testimony that the gospel works for everyone. And if it doesn't work to bring honest peace and happiness and joy in the face of ssa, or cancer, or death, or mental disorders, then it doesn't work at all.

So I want Grace to be an a cappella music group that shares that message. Composed of people who have gone through difficult life problems - major depression, mental illness, loss of a child or loved one, cancer, major eating disorders, abuse, same-sex attraction, war, disability, suicide - and who sing and each share the simple spoken message, "the gospel works for me." People who can show that they have found true and honest happiness in their lives by following God and, hopefully, inspire others to turn to God and find the same.

Eventually, once I can get it to work, I want to do firesides for young adults and family stakes, simply share the message, and then create a framework so that others who have gone through similar experiences can find ways to share their own story with the people in their community.

What reminded me of it was my brother today. In sacrament he spoke about having cancer, and how turning to God helped him find peace in his bitterness and despair. I think this is a message EVERYONE needs to hear.

So my request is this... if you know someone who has gone through a massive life trial, is currently really happy in following the gospel completely, loves to sing, sings well, lives in Utah valley, and would be willing to share their honest story with others... could you put them in contact with me? I'm not really sure where to begin looking. Everyone has had problems, but not everyone has found resolution, and not everyone is willing to share. And not everyone loves to sing. ;)

I should probably go to sleep now. I'm glad I finished this post. Hopefully it won't be months until the next.