I had a mission companion who told me one day that he wanted to travel the world before he got married. Take a backpacking tent, a passport, and nothing else... and spend a few years away from the stresses and pressures of America's fast-paced culture.
At the time, I was confused. Mostly because the conversation was on marriage and when we wanted to pursue it. Marriage and having a family has been the deepest desire I've ever had since I was a little kid. There's nothing I want more, and I had expressed a desire to find a wife as soon as I could, marry her in the temple, and then grow together. If I took a backpacking trip, it would be with someone. The fear of being single for the rest of my life was still somewhat poignant, even though it was at the back of my consciousness.
So when he honestly wanted to put marriage off for a few years of uncommitted single living, that was completely foreign to me.
Ironically, the tables have turned in reality. My companion came home and got married far faster than he or I expected. He never took his trip into the backcountry of the world. I, on the other hand, am obviously not married (otherwise I definitely wouldn't be blogging on a topic like this). I've traveled and spent far more time alone... and that time has given me room to ponder.
I watched a clip from Ty and Danielle Mansfield's interview for Far Between a few days ago. Far Between is a project by LDS filmmaker Kendall Wilcox, asking men and women one simple question - What is it like to be Mormon and gay/same-sex attracted/SGA/whatever?
Ty was a co-author for In Quiet Desperation, a book on same-sex attraction published by Deseret Book. But the part of the interview that intrigued me was his comment on the pathway that got him there. First he had been afraid of being alone. Then he came to terms with the possibility and accepted the reality that he might be single for all of mortality. Then he learned to enjoy life. And then he found someone that he loved.
I've heard countless times in marriage prep courses that "if you aren't happy while you're single, you won't be happy while you're married," but in my heart I don't think I really believed the statement. I mean, the Church teaches that some of the greatest happiness in life comes from having a family and raising children, right? That means that not having a family, not being married, necessarily also equates to having an inferior level of happiness. So the "be happy while you're single" thing must be hogwash.
Except it's not.
There's a reason why raising a righteous family and being married in the temple lead to happiness. It's found in Mosiah 2:41.
And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.
Lasting happiness comes from keeping the commandments of God and choosing the right. Which means that what I need to do to find happiness is simply based on doing the right things in my life, today. The Church teaches the importance of families because, in most cases, the right thing for young single adults is to get married. In the case of my companion, it was the right thing to do. In mine, the Lord had other timing in His Plan.
I'm not really sure how I feel about being alone. I still have a lot of major issues to work through, and even though I'm convinced I'll get married in this life, I still have a fear in the back of my mind that I've somehow sold my birthright... and lost that blessing for all eternity.
I am learning that alone doesn't mean lonely. I'm lonely when I feel like no one understands, or cares, and that I'm not making a difference in the world. There are definitely times in my life when I feel lonely. I also have depression, and those go hand-in-hand. But there are also times when I feel like I understand what my companion, and Ty, meant when they talked about their happy single lives. The ability to help others without major time commitments. The ability to change directions and take social, professional, and emotional risks without fear of hurting others. And a forced reliance on the Lord as Counselor, Teacher, and Friend.
There are lots of married people who feel lonely... and lots of single people who don't. Part of it may be external - the people surrounding them - but I don't think that's most of it. Loneliness, like happiness, is a feeling - an individual state of mind that comes (barring neurological issues like depression) as a result of choices and perspective... which means that I can choose to not be lonely. It's obviously not that easy, just as choosing happiness isn't as easy as it sounds, since positive thinking isn't really enough. Choosing happiness means choosing to follow the commandments of God, no matter what the short-term outcome. Choosing to not be lonely means, in my case, reaching out to others, being a friend to those who need (or seem to dislike) me, serving, sharing my testimony, and doing what I can to enjoy the beauty of life each day. And I think it would be the same whether I were single or married.
Hopefully the Lord will see me on my world tour as a bachelor and feel like it's time for me to be married. But even if that's still a long way off, that's okay. I can be happy today, and for as long as I need to be, by choosing to do what's right and leaving the rest in His hands.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Showing posts with label Nature vs Nurture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nature vs Nurture. Show all posts
Sunday, April 29
Thursday, April 5
Gay at BYU... and in the Church
In emails, a few readers have mentioned a forum that happened last night at BYU-Provo. The BYU sociology department sponsored an open panel of 3 men and 1 woman who shared their experiences living in the Church with same-sex attraction.
One man shared the story of how he fell in love with his wife after serving a mission, got married, and eventually the physical attraction came as well. The second man explained that he is attracted to both men and women. And the two others - a man and a woman - both shared the desire to marry the same gender, but also actively attend Church.
Hearing about this panel makes me wonder. I knew a gay couple on my mission... and while they initially perhaps intended to be actively involved in the Church, being excommunicated for violation of temple covenants was far more difficult than they had expected. Never being asked to pray or speak or teach, not having the blessing of paying tithing, being accepted in the ward but without a calling, and not having the "light at the end of the tunnel" that comes to those who repent. After only a short time, they stopped coming to Church... then they stopped reading the scriptures... and members and missionaries alike had no idea what to do to help.
I remember being in their home, eating dinner and reading the Book of Mormon with them and asking why they didn't come to Church. I didn't know at the time that they were sexually active as homosexuals. I just knew that there was something vitally important missing from their lives - a pain that I could see in their eyes - along with the conviction that, whatever had happened to estrange them from the Church, they still believed. The answer they gave has haunted me ever since.
"We know the Church is true, Elders. We love the Book of Mormon and the prophet, and we know what they teach is true. We work hard to keep the commandments and even gave away a copy of the Book of Mormon at work a few weeks ago. But going to Church, where... everyone knows us... is too hard. We want to go, but it's just too hard."
Since that time, I realize that I've never met someone who has succeeded in his desire to be active in the Church (as active as you can be while excommunicated - attending meetings and activities, but without temple attendance or callings), completely honest with himself and others, and actively homosexual. Those who lie and cover their sins? Yeah. Those who are honest and stay clean? Yeah. And those who leave outright? Yes.
And, at its core, the belief is more than that - the belief is this: "I can be actively homosexual and active in the Church at the same time... and there will be no discord between the two." But that isn't true. The belief that I could pick from both worlds, while perhaps idyllic on the surface, doesn't fit with the Plan. And, ultimately, I, like everyone else in life, will come to the crossroads where I have to choose between the two masters.
No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
There are plenty of false teachings about homosexuality and happiness in the world, and even among some members of the Church:
The belief that getting married, while hard, will inevitably solve all my problems. Definitely false. In the case of same-sex attraction, marriage is only a choice if I fall head over heels in love with a girl. Otherwise, it is specifically discouraged by the Church.
The belief that if I'm faithful and "do everything right," the Lord will heal me and replace my attractions. The Lord doesn't take away everyone's burdens. He didn't in the past, and will not in the future. He will leave His children with diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, mental illness, and same-sex attraction along with every other trial they need to return to Him
The belief that I can never be happy in life if I'm not involved in romantic same-sex relationships. Also false. While relationships do bring happiness, it comes and stays when I keep the commandments of God. The Lord will always ensure my happiness if I do my part to let Him.
The belief that someday the Church will change, and romantic same-sex relationships and marriages will become accepted and part of Church doctrine. It takes very little honest research on this topic among the words of the prophets to realize that, while the organization of the Church is guided according to the will of God, the commandment against homosexuality will never change... because God will never change it. Someone asked me once what I would do if God commanded me to find a husband. I felt that I had read enough and felt enough that to even pretend that was possible was absurd. But he was adamant, so I did the one thing that anyone in that situation should do - ask God. Before, I had never really asked if homosexuality would always be a sin. It was obvious to me that it always had been and always would be. But faced with people who thought otherwise, I asked what I should do in that circumstance. The answer from the Lord, instead of "what I would do if God asked me to ...", was a simple truth He taught me. God will never ask me, or anyone, to engage in homosexual relations, and homosexual acts will always be sins. Hence, I can add my own personal witness to that of the Brethren - acting on homosexual attractions will not lead to eternal happiness, and that's not ever going to change.
I guess what alarms me is that people - even some of these BYU students who are currently committed to obeying the Honor Code - don't seem to see the danger in believing that they can straddle both worlds. And when they are finding pleasure and fulfillment in their relationships, yet the gospel doesn't seem to "work" for them as it did before, I'm afraid they'll discard it, when the real issue wasn't the gospel at all.
I am convinced that the only way to true and lasting happiness is through keeping the commandments of God. And that, as I do so, He will guide me, meet my unmet needs, and enable me to find peace, joy, and love according to the bounds that He has set for me and my life. And hopefully, as time goes on, the truth of that message will find those who need it most.
One man shared the story of how he fell in love with his wife after serving a mission, got married, and eventually the physical attraction came as well. The second man explained that he is attracted to both men and women. And the two others - a man and a woman - both shared the desire to marry the same gender, but also actively attend Church.
Hearing about this panel makes me wonder. I knew a gay couple on my mission... and while they initially perhaps intended to be actively involved in the Church, being excommunicated for violation of temple covenants was far more difficult than they had expected. Never being asked to pray or speak or teach, not having the blessing of paying tithing, being accepted in the ward but without a calling, and not having the "light at the end of the tunnel" that comes to those who repent. After only a short time, they stopped coming to Church... then they stopped reading the scriptures... and members and missionaries alike had no idea what to do to help.
I remember being in their home, eating dinner and reading the Book of Mormon with them and asking why they didn't come to Church. I didn't know at the time that they were sexually active as homosexuals. I just knew that there was something vitally important missing from their lives - a pain that I could see in their eyes - along with the conviction that, whatever had happened to estrange them from the Church, they still believed. The answer they gave has haunted me ever since.
"We know the Church is true, Elders. We love the Book of Mormon and the prophet, and we know what they teach is true. We work hard to keep the commandments and even gave away a copy of the Book of Mormon at work a few weeks ago. But going to Church, where... everyone knows us... is too hard. We want to go, but it's just too hard."
Since that time, I realize that I've never met someone who has succeeded in his desire to be active in the Church (as active as you can be while excommunicated - attending meetings and activities, but without temple attendance or callings), completely honest with himself and others, and actively homosexual. Those who lie and cover their sins? Yeah. Those who are honest and stay clean? Yeah. And those who leave outright? Yes.
And, at its core, the belief is more than that - the belief is this: "I can be actively homosexual and active in the Church at the same time... and there will be no discord between the two." But that isn't true. The belief that I could pick from both worlds, while perhaps idyllic on the surface, doesn't fit with the Plan. And, ultimately, I, like everyone else in life, will come to the crossroads where I have to choose between the two masters.
No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
There are plenty of false teachings about homosexuality and happiness in the world, and even among some members of the Church:
The belief that getting married, while hard, will inevitably solve all my problems. Definitely false. In the case of same-sex attraction, marriage is only a choice if I fall head over heels in love with a girl. Otherwise, it is specifically discouraged by the Church.
The belief that if I'm faithful and "do everything right," the Lord will heal me and replace my attractions. The Lord doesn't take away everyone's burdens. He didn't in the past, and will not in the future. He will leave His children with diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, mental illness, and same-sex attraction along with every other trial they need to return to Him
The belief that I can never be happy in life if I'm not involved in romantic same-sex relationships. Also false. While relationships do bring happiness, it comes and stays when I keep the commandments of God. The Lord will always ensure my happiness if I do my part to let Him.
The belief that someday the Church will change, and romantic same-sex relationships and marriages will become accepted and part of Church doctrine. It takes very little honest research on this topic among the words of the prophets to realize that, while the organization of the Church is guided according to the will of God, the commandment against homosexuality will never change... because God will never change it. Someone asked me once what I would do if God commanded me to find a husband. I felt that I had read enough and felt enough that to even pretend that was possible was absurd. But he was adamant, so I did the one thing that anyone in that situation should do - ask God. Before, I had never really asked if homosexuality would always be a sin. It was obvious to me that it always had been and always would be. But faced with people who thought otherwise, I asked what I should do in that circumstance. The answer from the Lord, instead of "what I would do if God asked me to ...", was a simple truth He taught me. God will never ask me, or anyone, to engage in homosexual relations, and homosexual acts will always be sins. Hence, I can add my own personal witness to that of the Brethren - acting on homosexual attractions will not lead to eternal happiness, and that's not ever going to change.
I guess what alarms me is that people - even some of these BYU students who are currently committed to obeying the Honor Code - don't seem to see the danger in believing that they can straddle both worlds. And when they are finding pleasure and fulfillment in their relationships, yet the gospel doesn't seem to "work" for them as it did before, I'm afraid they'll discard it, when the real issue wasn't the gospel at all.
I am convinced that the only way to true and lasting happiness is through keeping the commandments of God. And that, as I do so, He will guide me, meet my unmet needs, and enable me to find peace, joy, and love according to the bounds that He has set for me and my life. And hopefully, as time goes on, the truth of that message will find those who need it most.
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Thursday, March 1
Gay Marriage and Anti-Gay Discrimination
Having same-sex attraction as a part of my life has meant, for me, that I honestly care for others who have same-sex attraction as much as everyone else... and maybe even more. I feel a kinship to them. I think that's normal - I feel connected to people who have lived lives similar to mine and faced the same mountains to climb.
I also know that acting on that attraction, like every other action, is a controllable, personal choice. Homosexual activity is not an inborn trait.
I have no problems with laws that forbid discrimination based on inherent attraction. It actually shocked me when I first realized that situations like that existed - where I could lose opportunities simply because I feel an attraction to other men, regardless of my choices or actions in relation to that attraction.
And there is definitely still work that needs to be done in that respect. Even with laws, discrimination still happens on a far more personal level... a level that doesn't ever really see the light of day in the modern debates and protests.
I overheard a conversation between a few women who were talking about guys they knew... and one remarked that a guy she had dated was really into fashion. The response to her comment made me catch my breath: "You have to be really careful. Some of those guys are gay... and you definitely don't want that!" The conversation then drifted to stories of family members who had been abandoned by unfaithful gay husbands or fathers, and the frustration and betrayal they had seen.
I've heard those stories before. I know some of them personally. But, perhaps naively, I had never turned them back on my own circumstance. Each of the women in the group made a clear assertion that she didn't want to marry a man who was gay; and, from the tone of their conversation, it was apparent that gay meant not only those who acted on their attractions, but all of those who only had the attractions in the first place.
That would mean that I, by simple nature, would have already been cut from their dating pool... without ever having a chance.
I wonder how widespread that kind of feeling is in the world.
I definitely don't want to marry an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or someone who doesn't keep their covenants. But would I be willing to marry someone with major trials and baggage, even if they matched me, I was in love, and they had done everything they could to choose the right? Are there things that I would never want in a marriage that, in reality, are just prejudices without substance?
I think the error there comes from the assumption that having same-sex attraction is the same thing as acting on same-sex attraction. But there is a big difference between discrimination based on inherent traits and discrimination based on action. Choices based on action are the core of what I see as society. I choose employees based on their past actions. I choose to serve customers or not based on past actions. I choose which employers to pursue, which restaurants to frequent, which candidate to elect, which church to attend, which people to befriend, and every other social and relational choice based on actions.
I believe what is outlined in the family proclamation: that the sacred powers of procreation are reserved only for expression between husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded. Anything outside of that - adultery, homosexual behavior, whatever - is a violation of the law of chastity, and I don't support, condone, or endorse sin.
Some of the laws and rulings on gay marriage include protections for religious institutions. But none of them include protections for me... and on that count, society fails to make a major distinction. If I'm a photographer and refuse to photograph a same-sex wedding because I believe same-sex marriage is inherently wrong and do not wish to support it with my time, creative effort, and indirect stamp of approval, today's judges will tell me I'm discriminating against people with homosexual attractions when, in reality, I'm discriminating against homosexual behavior.
There are plenty of other things that I can legitimately refuse to photograph, but this one is somehow different in their eyes. The same if I won't open a party room to a commitment ceremony in my restaurant, or a guest home for the same reason. Along the same line, I could be relieved of my license to place children through adoption if I refuse to consider homosexuals... and the list goes on.
I'd be happy to photograph men or women with same-sex attraction. I take pictures of myself already. But not in a circumstance that endorses or condones immoral behavior. I'm happy opening up a restaurant to anyone who supports actions I support, men and women with same-sex attraction included. I'll even place a child for adoption with a husband and wife if they both had same-sex attraction, as long as they were good parents. But I will not condone or endorse immoral behavior, and that has nothing to do with attraction. If asked to place my approval on anything that I don't agree with, I treat everyone and everything exactly the same, regardless of sex, race, gender, religion, or any other trait - because I would not be willing to endorse their actions.
Today's debates gloss over that. Ultimately, they're not talking about the issues that I see as central - the relational discrimination that is still happening, against people regardless of their actions, and the impact of laws on gay marriage. And, if it keeps moving the way it's moving, people will still discriminate against others in their personal relationships, and I'll be the next target of discrimination - the guy with same-sex attraction, who, unlike churches with legal protections, will be barred from practicing or asserting my beliefs about same-sex attraction... because of my faith.
I also know that acting on that attraction, like every other action, is a controllable, personal choice. Homosexual activity is not an inborn trait.
I have no problems with laws that forbid discrimination based on inherent attraction. It actually shocked me when I first realized that situations like that existed - where I could lose opportunities simply because I feel an attraction to other men, regardless of my choices or actions in relation to that attraction.
And there is definitely still work that needs to be done in that respect. Even with laws, discrimination still happens on a far more personal level... a level that doesn't ever really see the light of day in the modern debates and protests.
I overheard a conversation between a few women who were talking about guys they knew... and one remarked that a guy she had dated was really into fashion. The response to her comment made me catch my breath: "You have to be really careful. Some of those guys are gay... and you definitely don't want that!" The conversation then drifted to stories of family members who had been abandoned by unfaithful gay husbands or fathers, and the frustration and betrayal they had seen.
I've heard those stories before. I know some of them personally. But, perhaps naively, I had never turned them back on my own circumstance. Each of the women in the group made a clear assertion that she didn't want to marry a man who was gay; and, from the tone of their conversation, it was apparent that gay meant not only those who acted on their attractions, but all of those who only had the attractions in the first place.
That would mean that I, by simple nature, would have already been cut from their dating pool... without ever having a chance.
I wonder how widespread that kind of feeling is in the world.
I definitely don't want to marry an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or someone who doesn't keep their covenants. But would I be willing to marry someone with major trials and baggage, even if they matched me, I was in love, and they had done everything they could to choose the right? Are there things that I would never want in a marriage that, in reality, are just prejudices without substance?
I think the error there comes from the assumption that having same-sex attraction is the same thing as acting on same-sex attraction. But there is a big difference between discrimination based on inherent traits and discrimination based on action. Choices based on action are the core of what I see as society. I choose employees based on their past actions. I choose to serve customers or not based on past actions. I choose which employers to pursue, which restaurants to frequent, which candidate to elect, which church to attend, which people to befriend, and every other social and relational choice based on actions.
I believe what is outlined in the family proclamation: that the sacred powers of procreation are reserved only for expression between husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded. Anything outside of that - adultery, homosexual behavior, whatever - is a violation of the law of chastity, and I don't support, condone, or endorse sin.
Some of the laws and rulings on gay marriage include protections for religious institutions. But none of them include protections for me... and on that count, society fails to make a major distinction. If I'm a photographer and refuse to photograph a same-sex wedding because I believe same-sex marriage is inherently wrong and do not wish to support it with my time, creative effort, and indirect stamp of approval, today's judges will tell me I'm discriminating against people with homosexual attractions when, in reality, I'm discriminating against homosexual behavior.
There are plenty of other things that I can legitimately refuse to photograph, but this one is somehow different in their eyes. The same if I won't open a party room to a commitment ceremony in my restaurant, or a guest home for the same reason. Along the same line, I could be relieved of my license to place children through adoption if I refuse to consider homosexuals... and the list goes on.
I'd be happy to photograph men or women with same-sex attraction. I take pictures of myself already. But not in a circumstance that endorses or condones immoral behavior. I'm happy opening up a restaurant to anyone who supports actions I support, men and women with same-sex attraction included. I'll even place a child for adoption with a husband and wife if they both had same-sex attraction, as long as they were good parents. But I will not condone or endorse immoral behavior, and that has nothing to do with attraction. If asked to place my approval on anything that I don't agree with, I treat everyone and everything exactly the same, regardless of sex, race, gender, religion, or any other trait - because I would not be willing to endorse their actions.
Today's debates gloss over that. Ultimately, they're not talking about the issues that I see as central - the relational discrimination that is still happening, against people regardless of their actions, and the impact of laws on gay marriage. And, if it keeps moving the way it's moving, people will still discriminate against others in their personal relationships, and I'll be the next target of discrimination - the guy with same-sex attraction, who, unlike churches with legal protections, will be barred from practicing or asserting my beliefs about same-sex attraction... because of my faith.
Sunday, August 28
Gay, Mormon, Faithful, Myself: I Choose Who I Am
There's a seeming dichotomy that exists in the world of homosexuality... that of choice.
Some people honestly believe that the feelings and attractions of homosexuality are a choice... that gay men could easily choose not to be attracted to other men, and that those who "struggle" with homosexuality are in reality simply struggling with their faith. Under this model, even feeling attractions to other men is a sin. A sin that, if left unattended and unquashed, is worthy of damnation. And all those who haven't gotten there are simply not trying hard enough - no matter what their age or station in life. People who honestly hold this belief usually don't hold it maliciously - they often have had no personal interaction with the people they stigmatize; they simply haven't had the opportunity to restructure the mental models that support their beliefs... and almost all of the people I have met have changed their thoughts when given the opportunity to understand in their own terms. Some of you used to believe this.
Some people believe that attractions and temptations are completely out of our control, and that anything other than following them is dishonest to "who I am." I regularly get a handful of emails from people who are probably sincere in their beliefs and their hope to help me in my life, encouraging me to follow the gay lifestyle that "is who I am." They take different styles - from long personal testimonies of the carnal pleasure and emotional release that comes from living a gay life, to the simple and pedantic "You're gay. You should be dating gay men, and you should marry a gay man." From meeting with many of these men and women - in the Church and without - I think that many of those who hold these beliefs hold them sincerely. They see the pain and seeming injustice that comes from differences in attraction, and somehow believe what they believe. But like the first group, their naïveté is still a huge factor, and their claim that I have no choice in the matter - no choice in determining my destiny - is contrary to reality of my own life and the principles taught in the gospel.
The last belief is one that, from my own experience, only comes from a personal experience with homosexuality and a bit of reflection and communion with God. It's an understanding and acceptance that I am not completely in control of the world around me or the circumstances that create my life - attractions and temptations included. It brings the peace that I (myself, my will, my choices, my spirit) am not defined by what happens to me (my attractions, temptations, worldly events, trials, and blessings)... but by what I do in those circumstances. I am who I choose to be. I may feel a certain way, but I have the ability to always choose the right, regardless of my feelings. My heart may be torn into pieces, but I have the ability to find peace and faith and happiness through keeping the commandments of God. My happiness, my peace, my honesty and integrity are not determined by anything but my choices, and the grace of God that follows when I choose the right.
I may not be able to choose who I am attracted to. I may not be able to choose the temptations I face or the love that I feel. But I can choose who I am in those circumstances... and in every case I do, by my every action. And in every case, I am choosing my destiny. This is who I am: Mormon, faithful, happy, fulfilled, peaceful, hopeful, optimistic, and, someday, saved. To thine own self be true. I am a child of God, and I am the arbiter of my destiny. I choose who I am.
Some people honestly believe that the feelings and attractions of homosexuality are a choice... that gay men could easily choose not to be attracted to other men, and that those who "struggle" with homosexuality are in reality simply struggling with their faith. Under this model, even feeling attractions to other men is a sin. A sin that, if left unattended and unquashed, is worthy of damnation. And all those who haven't gotten there are simply not trying hard enough - no matter what their age or station in life. People who honestly hold this belief usually don't hold it maliciously - they often have had no personal interaction with the people they stigmatize; they simply haven't had the opportunity to restructure the mental models that support their beliefs... and almost all of the people I have met have changed their thoughts when given the opportunity to understand in their own terms. Some of you used to believe this.
Some people believe that attractions and temptations are completely out of our control, and that anything other than following them is dishonest to "who I am." I regularly get a handful of emails from people who are probably sincere in their beliefs and their hope to help me in my life, encouraging me to follow the gay lifestyle that "is who I am." They take different styles - from long personal testimonies of the carnal pleasure and emotional release that comes from living a gay life, to the simple and pedantic "You're gay. You should be dating gay men, and you should marry a gay man." From meeting with many of these men and women - in the Church and without - I think that many of those who hold these beliefs hold them sincerely. They see the pain and seeming injustice that comes from differences in attraction, and somehow believe what they believe. But like the first group, their naïveté is still a huge factor, and their claim that I have no choice in the matter - no choice in determining my destiny - is contrary to reality of my own life and the principles taught in the gospel.
The last belief is one that, from my own experience, only comes from a personal experience with homosexuality and a bit of reflection and communion with God. It's an understanding and acceptance that I am not completely in control of the world around me or the circumstances that create my life - attractions and temptations included. It brings the peace that I (myself, my will, my choices, my spirit) am not defined by what happens to me (my attractions, temptations, worldly events, trials, and blessings)... but by what I do in those circumstances. I am who I choose to be. I may feel a certain way, but I have the ability to always choose the right, regardless of my feelings. My heart may be torn into pieces, but I have the ability to find peace and faith and happiness through keeping the commandments of God. My happiness, my peace, my honesty and integrity are not determined by anything but my choices, and the grace of God that follows when I choose the right.
I may not be able to choose who I am attracted to. I may not be able to choose the temptations I face or the love that I feel. But I can choose who I am in those circumstances... and in every case I do, by my every action. And in every case, I am choosing my destiny. This is who I am: Mormon, faithful, happy, fulfilled, peaceful, hopeful, optimistic, and, someday, saved. To thine own self be true. I am a child of God, and I am the arbiter of my destiny. I choose who I am.
Monday, May 30
"Some Gays Can Change"
I recently received a well-written comment here that empathized with my frustration in relationships and the concomitant tension caused by attraction to guys. But at first I didn't publish it, because part of it didn't ring true to me.
The part of the comment that kept playing over and over in my mind said, "And as frustrating as this experience is for me, it at least brings me peace in the certitude of the immutability of those natural sympathies toward men."
My first thought was to appeal to the teachings of the prophets, and I immediately thought of Elder Oaks speaking about the possibility of change for some people. Or the talks that strongly instill the doctrine that homosexuality is not a part of eternal identity - it did not exist in the Premortal world, and like other physical conditions, will not exist for the righteous after death. But while the teachings of the prophets are enough for me, society functions on a completely different level. Yes, anyone who listens, ponders, and prays for guidance can know the truth of principles of the gospel for themselves, but if change is really possible - something that a true belief in the Atonement has to allow, as it is by definition "infinite and eternal" - then there should be more than just teachings of the prophets available as well.
The prompting came to me that I needed to actually do some research on the scientific evidence supporting or refuting the possibility of real, meaningful change... and read the studies documenting change efforts, written by gay activists, university researchers, and everyone else, regardless of their innate bias.
I already knew that homosexuality had been removed from the manual of psychiatry in 1973, with the exception of "unwanted homosexuality" - which could still be diagnosed and treated. Unwanted homosexuality was deleted 15 years later, in 1987. Whether the choices made by the American Psychiatric Association were due to gay activism or actual scientific studies, from my perspective, shouldn't be as relevant as the findings of current research.
The only problem is that, shortly after the time that homosexuality was deleted from the APA manual, research sort of dried up, especially compared to the visibility of homosexuality in the population at large. Again, whether that was caused by a lack of meaningful reasons to do the studies or a lack of funding tied to political motivations doesn't really reflect on the issue. But there have been studies - dozens of them - that have been done. And the results, today as I read them, have again shocked me.
Each study qualified "recovery" differently, from complete cessation of homosexual attraction and development of heterosexual attraction, to the simple cessation of homosexual attractions or the development of stronger heterosexual ones. But in each of the modern, unbiased, peer-reviewed and published studies of this "reorientation therapy," they detailed success. Real, meaningful change. But there are miracles... and maybe the studies were actually biased in some way. How could I really tell? And then I found the jackpot.
Robert Spitzer, in 1973, was the most influential psychiatrist to spearhead the exclusion of homosexuality from the APA and the deletion of moral exceptions in 1987. In 2000, the APA was set to take the next step - to declare reorientation therapy as dangerous, harmful, and illegal under the guidelines of the APA. In the social moray that ensued, he met hundreds of people who protested the resolution. They claimed, sincerely, that reorientation therapy had helped them make significant changes. A scientist to the core, Spitzer realized that this data went directly against his hypothesis... which also meant that this was his opportunity to have solid proof if he could show that there had been no meaningful change in homosexual attraction.
His study changed his mind, and preserved reorientation therapy as an option for men and women. In a NARTH press release (May 9, 2001) he explained the results of his study thus: "Like most psychiatrists, I thought that homosexual behavior could be resisted, but sexual orientation could not be changed. I now believe that's untrue--some people can and do change." NARTH is definitely a biased source of information. But using an exact quote is pretty safe. And that he was willing to release his findings to NARTH, or at least let them quote him, is indicative that their context was fitting with his own feelings.
He even found that 67% of the males studied who had, before, had no heterosexual attraction, now had good heterosexual functioning.
The caveat of the study was the timeframe necessary to achieve any meaningful change. Unlike a diet, or interventions for many social maladies, sexual reorientation therapy seemed to be completely ineffective for at least two years after beginning in earnest. To me, that's a long time to follow a dedicated, rigorous, outside-influenced schedule without seeing any results. And it could also explain why some people believe it doesn't work or is impossible. He also noted that complete change - as in total cessation of homosexual attractions and perfect functioning of heterosexuality - was somewhat uncommon, as was common in psychiatric interventions. But even in the cases where actual homosexual attractions did swap with heterosexual ones, the therapy gave clients a significantly greater quality of life - a direct affront to the APA's assertion that reorientation therapy is harmful.
His study was met with a firestorm in the media and his personal life. He released the data for meta-analysis and other scientists clamored for the opportunity to find flaws in the research. But each of them also changed their minds as they published articles showing that Spitzer - who really was a good researcher - had done it right. And the data was real. Eventually, his study was peer-reviewed and substantiated enough that it was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in October 2003 - psychiatry's leading journal in sexual functioning. And it stands there today.
More studies have cropped up since Spitzer's politically incorrect foray into sexual science, each showing the real possibility of meaningful change, but usually with the caveat that change takes time, huge amounts of effort, a multi-faceted approach, and happens on a scale instead of a yes or no.
So why have I not known about this? I mean, the social media is usually biased, but this much? Even among the community of Mormons who live with this, there is the permeating feeling that change is impossible, even though real clinical research shows definite evidence to the contrary.
I found a quote that made me realize that there are probably some real political reasons that society is inundated with sexual determinism. It was attributed to a member of the APA and published by the Harvard University Press "...it may be that for now, the safest way to advocate for lesbian/gay/bisexual rights is to keep propagating a deterministic model: sexual minorities are born that way and can never be otherwise. If this is an easier route to acceptance (which may in fact be the case), is it really so bad that it is inaccurate?"
So what does that mean for me? Honestly, it gives me an outlet for hope - some type of actual scientific basis to my beliefs that living the gospel, following the Spirit, and choosing the right will ultimately lead to the miracle of falling in love with a woman and raising a happy, eternal family. Will it happen for everyone who tries? Maybe not. Will it be perfect? Probably not. But some people can change... and I think it's worth the effort to see if I can, too.
The part of the comment that kept playing over and over in my mind said, "And as frustrating as this experience is for me, it at least brings me peace in the certitude of the immutability of those natural sympathies toward men."
My first thought was to appeal to the teachings of the prophets, and I immediately thought of Elder Oaks speaking about the possibility of change for some people. Or the talks that strongly instill the doctrine that homosexuality is not a part of eternal identity - it did not exist in the Premortal world, and like other physical conditions, will not exist for the righteous after death. But while the teachings of the prophets are enough for me, society functions on a completely different level. Yes, anyone who listens, ponders, and prays for guidance can know the truth of principles of the gospel for themselves, but if change is really possible - something that a true belief in the Atonement has to allow, as it is by definition "infinite and eternal" - then there should be more than just teachings of the prophets available as well.
The prompting came to me that I needed to actually do some research on the scientific evidence supporting or refuting the possibility of real, meaningful change... and read the studies documenting change efforts, written by gay activists, university researchers, and everyone else, regardless of their innate bias.
I already knew that homosexuality had been removed from the manual of psychiatry in 1973, with the exception of "unwanted homosexuality" - which could still be diagnosed and treated. Unwanted homosexuality was deleted 15 years later, in 1987. Whether the choices made by the American Psychiatric Association were due to gay activism or actual scientific studies, from my perspective, shouldn't be as relevant as the findings of current research.
The only problem is that, shortly after the time that homosexuality was deleted from the APA manual, research sort of dried up, especially compared to the visibility of homosexuality in the population at large. Again, whether that was caused by a lack of meaningful reasons to do the studies or a lack of funding tied to political motivations doesn't really reflect on the issue. But there have been studies - dozens of them - that have been done. And the results, today as I read them, have again shocked me.
Each study qualified "recovery" differently, from complete cessation of homosexual attraction and development of heterosexual attraction, to the simple cessation of homosexual attractions or the development of stronger heterosexual ones. But in each of the modern, unbiased, peer-reviewed and published studies of this "reorientation therapy," they detailed success. Real, meaningful change. But there are miracles... and maybe the studies were actually biased in some way. How could I really tell? And then I found the jackpot.
Robert Spitzer, in 1973, was the most influential psychiatrist to spearhead the exclusion of homosexuality from the APA and the deletion of moral exceptions in 1987. In 2000, the APA was set to take the next step - to declare reorientation therapy as dangerous, harmful, and illegal under the guidelines of the APA. In the social moray that ensued, he met hundreds of people who protested the resolution. They claimed, sincerely, that reorientation therapy had helped them make significant changes. A scientist to the core, Spitzer realized that this data went directly against his hypothesis... which also meant that this was his opportunity to have solid proof if he could show that there had been no meaningful change in homosexual attraction.
His study changed his mind, and preserved reorientation therapy as an option for men and women. In a NARTH press release (May 9, 2001) he explained the results of his study thus: "Like most psychiatrists, I thought that homosexual behavior could be resisted, but sexual orientation could not be changed. I now believe that's untrue--some people can and do change." NARTH is definitely a biased source of information. But using an exact quote is pretty safe. And that he was willing to release his findings to NARTH, or at least let them quote him, is indicative that their context was fitting with his own feelings.
He even found that 67% of the males studied who had, before, had no heterosexual attraction, now had good heterosexual functioning.
The caveat of the study was the timeframe necessary to achieve any meaningful change. Unlike a diet, or interventions for many social maladies, sexual reorientation therapy seemed to be completely ineffective for at least two years after beginning in earnest. To me, that's a long time to follow a dedicated, rigorous, outside-influenced schedule without seeing any results. And it could also explain why some people believe it doesn't work or is impossible. He also noted that complete change - as in total cessation of homosexual attractions and perfect functioning of heterosexuality - was somewhat uncommon, as was common in psychiatric interventions. But even in the cases where actual homosexual attractions did swap with heterosexual ones, the therapy gave clients a significantly greater quality of life - a direct affront to the APA's assertion that reorientation therapy is harmful.
His study was met with a firestorm in the media and his personal life. He released the data for meta-analysis and other scientists clamored for the opportunity to find flaws in the research. But each of them also changed their minds as they published articles showing that Spitzer - who really was a good researcher - had done it right. And the data was real. Eventually, his study was peer-reviewed and substantiated enough that it was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in October 2003 - psychiatry's leading journal in sexual functioning. And it stands there today.
More studies have cropped up since Spitzer's politically incorrect foray into sexual science, each showing the real possibility of meaningful change, but usually with the caveat that change takes time, huge amounts of effort, a multi-faceted approach, and happens on a scale instead of a yes or no.
So why have I not known about this? I mean, the social media is usually biased, but this much? Even among the community of Mormons who live with this, there is the permeating feeling that change is impossible, even though real clinical research shows definite evidence to the contrary.
I found a quote that made me realize that there are probably some real political reasons that society is inundated with sexual determinism. It was attributed to a member of the APA and published by the Harvard University Press "...it may be that for now, the safest way to advocate for lesbian/gay/bisexual rights is to keep propagating a deterministic model: sexual minorities are born that way and can never be otherwise. If this is an easier route to acceptance (which may in fact be the case), is it really so bad that it is inaccurate?"
So what does that mean for me? Honestly, it gives me an outlet for hope - some type of actual scientific basis to my beliefs that living the gospel, following the Spirit, and choosing the right will ultimately lead to the miracle of falling in love with a woman and raising a happy, eternal family. Will it happen for everyone who tries? Maybe not. Will it be perfect? Probably not. But some people can change... and I think it's worth the effort to see if I can, too.
Labels:
Change,
Direction,
Faith,
Gay Marriage,
Hope,
Light,
Nature vs Nurture,
Optimism,
patience,
Perspective,
Psychiatry,
Work
Monday, May 2
Born This Way... Not Completely
I recently took the time to actually read the landmark psychological studies that claimed to have found substantial causative links from genetics and congenital (inborn) traits to homosexuality. And the results weren't exactly what I had expected.
I know just as much as the next person that I didn't choose to be attracted to men or not attracted to women. The only other option in my mind was being "born this way" - which meant that attraction would be deeply rooted in genes.
But the studies that have been published don't substantiate being born gay... on the contrary, they highlight inborn tendencies as only a part of a much larger picture that determines, over time, sexual attraction.
The first study I looked at was the twin study - conducted in 1991 by Bailey and Pillard and published in the Archives of General Psychology. Their study was titled "A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orientation" and recruited gay identical twins to enter the study with their siblings, determining the correlation between genes and homosexuality. If homosexuality is inborn and caused exclusively by genetics, then twins who share exact DNA will both be either homosexual or heterosexual.
The original study found a concordance rate of 52% - which meant that 52% of homosexual twins were both homosexual. The study was picked up by the media, but was heavily criticized by the scientific community for selection bias. Bailey did another, more rigorous study in 2000 using a better methodology that avoided bias, and found a concordance of about 20% (depending on your definition of homosexuality).
When a host of other psychological factors have higher concordance rates than 20%, it's pretty obvious from the study that homosexuality is not "inborn"... but 20% is still significant since it is higher than the average rate of homosexuality... which means that it is definitely influenced by genetic factors.
There were a few other studies that claimed to have found genetic links, but each had major scientific flaws and have since been refuted by studies which tried to replicate results. There was the the brain research by LeVay which claimed that certain areas of the brain were different in homosexual men, but the study was performed on men who had died primarily of AIDS, and didn't correct for potential issues in brain function caused by habit. Brain researchers have known that the brain alters significantly based on an individual's actions, and the part of the brain studied could have easily been altered by homosexual activity, instead of being a cause of homosexual attraction. Other studies have shown the differences in the brain that LeVay found to be insignificant, and LeVay never replicated his study. There was also the genetic study done by Hamer ("A Linkage between DNA markers on the x chromosome and male sexual orientation," Science 261, July 1993)... but the findings of the study were declared statistically insignificant by the inventor of the methodology used in the evaluation - which means that it could have been caused by sample size or a number of other issues... and that Hamer and his colleagues didn't completely understand the method they were using. As added proof, another much larger study on the exact same topic showed that there was no significant link between inheritance on the x-chromosome and homosexuality (Rice, et al - "Male Homosexuality: Absence of Linkage to Microsatellite Markers at XQ28," Science 284, 1999).
All in all, the studies I read, when taken in context with other research done to substantiate or refute them, came up with a very different picture than I originally thought. Maybe it's because I've known that I didn't choose this trial.... but I always thought it was something inborn. But the research is clear. Being attracted to guys isn't something that came 100% from my genetics. The studies on twins, brain chemistry, and genetic linking prove one thing: I wasn't born gay. No one was.
Yes, there are definitely factors that are caused by genetics. I was probably born with a huge number of predispositions and preferences that, with time, outside influences, cultural impressions, and every other factor, developed into an attraction for guys. And while the non-genetic factors may have been out of my control as much as the genetic ones... the realization that homosexuality isn't just determined by genetics, but is very strongly influenced by other factors (as established especially in the twin studies, where 80% of brothers of homosexual twins were not homosexual) gives me hope. Science has shown that even deeply rooted patterns in the brain can change, even in those whose brains have finished developing, with significant changes in environment. Men can learn new languages, or overcome alcoholism, or change professions and personality traits once thought to be immutable. And it obviously happens.
I don't know exactly what it will take - if it's something that science can find or if it's a miracle that will need the help of God... and even if it's possible, I don't know if it will happen. Science has known about a lot of things that don't always work. But it's there... and I think that gives me greater hope and faith than anything. Because if those twins were born with certain inborn tendencies, but somehow took a different path and became heterosexual, even when their identical twins became homosexual, then maybe, with God at my side, I can find that path, someday, too.
I know just as much as the next person that I didn't choose to be attracted to men or not attracted to women. The only other option in my mind was being "born this way" - which meant that attraction would be deeply rooted in genes.
But the studies that have been published don't substantiate being born gay... on the contrary, they highlight inborn tendencies as only a part of a much larger picture that determines, over time, sexual attraction.
The first study I looked at was the twin study - conducted in 1991 by Bailey and Pillard and published in the Archives of General Psychology. Their study was titled "A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orientation" and recruited gay identical twins to enter the study with their siblings, determining the correlation between genes and homosexuality. If homosexuality is inborn and caused exclusively by genetics, then twins who share exact DNA will both be either homosexual or heterosexual.
The original study found a concordance rate of 52% - which meant that 52% of homosexual twins were both homosexual. The study was picked up by the media, but was heavily criticized by the scientific community for selection bias. Bailey did another, more rigorous study in 2000 using a better methodology that avoided bias, and found a concordance of about 20% (depending on your definition of homosexuality).
When a host of other psychological factors have higher concordance rates than 20%, it's pretty obvious from the study that homosexuality is not "inborn"... but 20% is still significant since it is higher than the average rate of homosexuality... which means that it is definitely influenced by genetic factors.
There were a few other studies that claimed to have found genetic links, but each had major scientific flaws and have since been refuted by studies which tried to replicate results. There was the the brain research by LeVay which claimed that certain areas of the brain were different in homosexual men, but the study was performed on men who had died primarily of AIDS, and didn't correct for potential issues in brain function caused by habit. Brain researchers have known that the brain alters significantly based on an individual's actions, and the part of the brain studied could have easily been altered by homosexual activity, instead of being a cause of homosexual attraction. Other studies have shown the differences in the brain that LeVay found to be insignificant, and LeVay never replicated his study. There was also the genetic study done by Hamer ("A Linkage between DNA markers on the x chromosome and male sexual orientation," Science 261, July 1993)... but the findings of the study were declared statistically insignificant by the inventor of the methodology used in the evaluation - which means that it could have been caused by sample size or a number of other issues... and that Hamer and his colleagues didn't completely understand the method they were using. As added proof, another much larger study on the exact same topic showed that there was no significant link between inheritance on the x-chromosome and homosexuality (Rice, et al - "Male Homosexuality: Absence of Linkage to Microsatellite Markers at XQ28," Science 284, 1999).
All in all, the studies I read, when taken in context with other research done to substantiate or refute them, came up with a very different picture than I originally thought. Maybe it's because I've known that I didn't choose this trial.... but I always thought it was something inborn. But the research is clear. Being attracted to guys isn't something that came 100% from my genetics. The studies on twins, brain chemistry, and genetic linking prove one thing: I wasn't born gay. No one was.
Yes, there are definitely factors that are caused by genetics. I was probably born with a huge number of predispositions and preferences that, with time, outside influences, cultural impressions, and every other factor, developed into an attraction for guys. And while the non-genetic factors may have been out of my control as much as the genetic ones... the realization that homosexuality isn't just determined by genetics, but is very strongly influenced by other factors (as established especially in the twin studies, where 80% of brothers of homosexual twins were not homosexual) gives me hope. Science has shown that even deeply rooted patterns in the brain can change, even in those whose brains have finished developing, with significant changes in environment. Men can learn new languages, or overcome alcoholism, or change professions and personality traits once thought to be immutable. And it obviously happens.
I don't know exactly what it will take - if it's something that science can find or if it's a miracle that will need the help of God... and even if it's possible, I don't know if it will happen. Science has known about a lot of things that don't always work. But it's there... and I think that gives me greater hope and faith than anything. Because if those twins were born with certain inborn tendencies, but somehow took a different path and became heterosexual, even when their identical twins became homosexual, then maybe, with God at my side, I can find that path, someday, too.
Labels:
Faith,
Happiness,
Light,
Nature vs Nurture,
Optimism,
Perspective,
Praise
Tuesday, March 22
Causation or Happenstance
I think a lot. I used to think that was normal until I went on my mission and learned that some people (as embodied in my companions) just didn't spend all day pondering. I'm still not really sure what people are doing when they're not thinking, but that's another issue altogether.
When I learned that overthinking was one of my personal traits, I wondered if it was correlated in any way with being attracted to guys. Now that may sound absurd, but physical attraction is a physical phenomenon - hence it is effected by definite differences somewhere in the brain. The brain is a complex organ; many chemicals and reaction sites function on many different levels - hence a difference in one area is likely to correlate with differences in others. The same thing happens in genetics - flowers that are purple usually have less disease resistance than flowers of the same type that are red.
So I wondered if overthinking was a side effect of being attracted to guys, or in some way a part of the whole. I read a paper once by a lead practitioner for LDS Family Services that found inordinate introspection as an anecdotal correlation, but I'm still not sure. And if it is correlated, what does that even mean?
The world has a definition of the gay guy or lesbian woman that falls into stereotypes. In the media, gay guys groom themselves meticulously, follow fashion religiously, passionately hate those who don't condone their lifestyle, are into the art-side of world more than other guys, wear way more earrings... but are these social constructs to which they unite themselves, or manifestations of joint differences in brain chemistry?
It's important to me because I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I'm dealing with when it comes to my brain. The parts of "gay culture" that have been constructed aren't as useful, applicable, or interesting to me because they don't always apply - and I've found that as a religious, faithful Mormon, I lack one of the key characteristics to be accepted in the gay world (strong negative emotions towards those that don't support homosexual activity)... I'm somewhat spurned as a legitimate member of that culture anyway.
Understanding the interplay between complex physiochemical relationships would be ideal for better understanding how to live while attracted to guys. Preliminary testing has been done trying to show a definite correlation with serotonin uptake and depression, for example, which means that dietary supplementation with tryptophan - the chemical precursor to serotonin - may have substantial effects on alleviating depression. Depression is one of the 5 symptoms of the "syndemic" of the urban gay men - very high rates (as compared with the general urban male populace) of depression, suicide, AIDS, partner abuse, and substance abuse. (Those of you who want sources, they are freely available online. For example, search "gay syndemic." This post is not intended for publication in Science magazine.) It's obvious that gay men are not physiochemically more inclined to get AIDS - it comes from actions they take instead of being inborn. Partner abuse, substance abuse, and suicide are also active, but those are often predicated on dissatisfaction with life... which could be caused by depression rates. All those pieces together? If depression is an underlying factor that detracts from my quality of life, and is related to the chemistry of my brain, then it's worth investigating.
But is it caused by differences in brain chemistry?
Some people in the gay world claim that depression in gay men and women is completely due to external causation. One group feels it is caused directly by society - that exclusionary day-to-day practices and tenets are what cause depression, not any inherent tendency. This is probably only partially accurate, as the urban metropolis is typically a much more accepting area, and the day-to-day affairs of gay men wouldn't run into those who have such a huge emotional influence on them to cause depression, unless they were predisposed to it. It also doesn't match my own experience - as I rarely feel discriminated against in my life, yet I've had depression.
Another thought is that depression is linked to society's disapproval as a whole of gay relationships - hence the hot battle for equalization of gay with other relationships in the public sphere. But that can't be completely true either - the vast majority of gay men, which would be represented in the urban syndemics, are sexually promiscuous, and hence incur society's views on promiscuous sexual actions - not intimate monogamous relationships. Yes, they may be actively involved in and passionately opposed to current views on same-sex marriage, but unless they are currently monogamous, depression caused by outside influences in this case would be mostly vicarious (and probable proof of innate tendency to depression. I'm not sure if straight supporters of gay marriage rights have higher rates of depression). Sodomy laws have been gone long enough that true societal pressure on promiscuity is no longer actively in force. This also doesn't apply to me and my experience.
The last potential for outside causes isn't really discussed in the gay community, or in most scientific literature... because it's religious. I've found, in my own life, that I have an internal sense of right and wrong - above and beyond what society, my family, my Church, or anyone else tells me. In the Church we call it the Light of Christ - it's the gift given to Adam and Eve when they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Every human on the earth is born with this gift, which resonates with the good and bad things in their lives. When they do good, they feel good. When they do evil, they feel guilt. While it's possible to quench the feelings of guilt (called searing the conscience in scripture), it still has an impact - and my personal experience and my experience helping men and women has been that a life filled with guilt is definitely more depressed. When I sin, I am much more likely to fall into depression... and when I am clean, life is amazing. At least from my individual perspective, this could be a valid point in the syndemic. But it would obviously need specialized studies... and I'm not sure how you would set those up. In the meantime, I try to avoid sinning as much as possible, and I find that my depression is lessened significantly.
Wow. That was long. But that's what goes through my head anytime I see something unique in my life... something that could help me understand the life and trials I've been given. In my case, depression probably has a number of other complex interrelated causes, none of which I'll share here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. But I think that the investigation is worthwhile. Eventually, at least in my case, I'll be able to determine whether this and other factors are products of physiochemical causation... or circumstantial happenstance.
When I learned that overthinking was one of my personal traits, I wondered if it was correlated in any way with being attracted to guys. Now that may sound absurd, but physical attraction is a physical phenomenon - hence it is effected by definite differences somewhere in the brain. The brain is a complex organ; many chemicals and reaction sites function on many different levels - hence a difference in one area is likely to correlate with differences in others. The same thing happens in genetics - flowers that are purple usually have less disease resistance than flowers of the same type that are red.
So I wondered if overthinking was a side effect of being attracted to guys, or in some way a part of the whole. I read a paper once by a lead practitioner for LDS Family Services that found inordinate introspection as an anecdotal correlation, but I'm still not sure. And if it is correlated, what does that even mean?
The world has a definition of the gay guy or lesbian woman that falls into stereotypes. In the media, gay guys groom themselves meticulously, follow fashion religiously, passionately hate those who don't condone their lifestyle, are into the art-side of world more than other guys, wear way more earrings... but are these social constructs to which they unite themselves, or manifestations of joint differences in brain chemistry?
It's important to me because I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I'm dealing with when it comes to my brain. The parts of "gay culture" that have been constructed aren't as useful, applicable, or interesting to me because they don't always apply - and I've found that as a religious, faithful Mormon, I lack one of the key characteristics to be accepted in the gay world (strong negative emotions towards those that don't support homosexual activity)... I'm somewhat spurned as a legitimate member of that culture anyway.
Understanding the interplay between complex physiochemical relationships would be ideal for better understanding how to live while attracted to guys. Preliminary testing has been done trying to show a definite correlation with serotonin uptake and depression, for example, which means that dietary supplementation with tryptophan - the chemical precursor to serotonin - may have substantial effects on alleviating depression. Depression is one of the 5 symptoms of the "syndemic" of the urban gay men - very high rates (as compared with the general urban male populace) of depression, suicide, AIDS, partner abuse, and substance abuse. (Those of you who want sources, they are freely available online. For example, search "gay syndemic." This post is not intended for publication in Science magazine.) It's obvious that gay men are not physiochemically more inclined to get AIDS - it comes from actions they take instead of being inborn. Partner abuse, substance abuse, and suicide are also active, but those are often predicated on dissatisfaction with life... which could be caused by depression rates. All those pieces together? If depression is an underlying factor that detracts from my quality of life, and is related to the chemistry of my brain, then it's worth investigating.
But is it caused by differences in brain chemistry?
Some people in the gay world claim that depression in gay men and women is completely due to external causation. One group feels it is caused directly by society - that exclusionary day-to-day practices and tenets are what cause depression, not any inherent tendency. This is probably only partially accurate, as the urban metropolis is typically a much more accepting area, and the day-to-day affairs of gay men wouldn't run into those who have such a huge emotional influence on them to cause depression, unless they were predisposed to it. It also doesn't match my own experience - as I rarely feel discriminated against in my life, yet I've had depression.
Another thought is that depression is linked to society's disapproval as a whole of gay relationships - hence the hot battle for equalization of gay with other relationships in the public sphere. But that can't be completely true either - the vast majority of gay men, which would be represented in the urban syndemics, are sexually promiscuous, and hence incur society's views on promiscuous sexual actions - not intimate monogamous relationships. Yes, they may be actively involved in and passionately opposed to current views on same-sex marriage, but unless they are currently monogamous, depression caused by outside influences in this case would be mostly vicarious (and probable proof of innate tendency to depression. I'm not sure if straight supporters of gay marriage rights have higher rates of depression). Sodomy laws have been gone long enough that true societal pressure on promiscuity is no longer actively in force. This also doesn't apply to me and my experience.
The last potential for outside causes isn't really discussed in the gay community, or in most scientific literature... because it's religious. I've found, in my own life, that I have an internal sense of right and wrong - above and beyond what society, my family, my Church, or anyone else tells me. In the Church we call it the Light of Christ - it's the gift given to Adam and Eve when they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Every human on the earth is born with this gift, which resonates with the good and bad things in their lives. When they do good, they feel good. When they do evil, they feel guilt. While it's possible to quench the feelings of guilt (called searing the conscience in scripture), it still has an impact - and my personal experience and my experience helping men and women has been that a life filled with guilt is definitely more depressed. When I sin, I am much more likely to fall into depression... and when I am clean, life is amazing. At least from my individual perspective, this could be a valid point in the syndemic. But it would obviously need specialized studies... and I'm not sure how you would set those up. In the meantime, I try to avoid sinning as much as possible, and I find that my depression is lessened significantly.
Wow. That was long. But that's what goes through my head anytime I see something unique in my life... something that could help me understand the life and trials I've been given. In my case, depression probably has a number of other complex interrelated causes, none of which I'll share here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. But I think that the investigation is worthwhile. Eventually, at least in my case, I'll be able to determine whether this and other factors are products of physiochemical causation... or circumstantial happenstance.
Tuesday, January 4
Being Honest with Myself: the 10th Day of Christmas
I used to think that ignoring my struggles in life would make them go away. Sometimes it helps. But, at least in my life, my self-imposed ignorance meant I was never fully able to deal with problems when they arose.
I've lived with severe depression since I was 16. I've only ever told three people - my mom, my mission president, and one friend. But I don't think any of them believed me... or understood the extent to which it affects my life. No one ever knew. Each day, I could convince myself that I was happy... and if that didn't work, I just told everyone else that I was deep in thought. I threw myself into life and accomplished incredible things... all with the goal of never having unscheduled time where, inevitably, depression would hit again. But my best efforts always seemed to be in vain. Something would be cancelled, life would stop, and I would find myself reading my scriptures, crying, and praying for the strength to live through my pain.
It wasn't until I looked at my life and honestly acknowledged the struggle that I could plan and take steps to face it. As I did, I found a wealth of "resources" for dealing with it. Practicing a musical instrument (even if I'm mediocre), studying the scriptures, going to a public place where I can be around people who know me and will stop to talk with me, going somewhere to meet new people, giving service at the food bank or another place, going to the temple, finding friends and having meaningful conversations long into the night, finding something fun that is also productive and won't make me feel guilty after (I can't play video games - I feel like I'm wasting my life away), writing in my journal or to others, writing poetry, visiting family members (that's what I'll do today! I knew this blog was inspired. :) )... I still fight depression. Today I woke up and found myself crying before even eating breakfast. But I don't feel as hopeless as I did when I was 16. I know that, eventually, the shadows will fade and I'll be able to move forward with my life, and smile, again. And, in the meantime, I'm grateful for the opportunity to rely on God and see His hand in my life.
Living with my attractions has been a similar struggle, though I didn't honestly acknowledge it until after my mission. But since I have, and given my life to God, He has helped me see the light at the end of each crisis. Individual temptations, like depression, eventually go away. They'll come back, but knowing how to cope - whether running 10 miles or biking 20, finding a good friend keep my thoughts busy, going to the temple, taking a walk for a few hours, or even watching people at the mall or somewhere else - helps me to have hope in the midst of what are easily the worst moments of my life.
So I'm honest with myself about my circumstances. But I never give up hope. A friend told me this yesterday: We are the result of our actions. We're not a result of our upbringing, our nature, or our circumstances in life - we're a result of our actions - the choices we make. And that statement brings me hope. Even though I live with depression, I'm an awful friend, and I have the most pathetic, undesirable set of temptations known to man... I am a child of God, striving to keep His commandments and become like Him.
Honestly? I feel better. Life can be so incredibly, suffocatingly awful. I don't think there's any way to explain it. But it's ok. God is there for me; He will take care of me if, by my actions, I choose to follow Him.
I've lived with severe depression since I was 16. I've only ever told three people - my mom, my mission president, and one friend. But I don't think any of them believed me... or understood the extent to which it affects my life. No one ever knew. Each day, I could convince myself that I was happy... and if that didn't work, I just told everyone else that I was deep in thought. I threw myself into life and accomplished incredible things... all with the goal of never having unscheduled time where, inevitably, depression would hit again. But my best efforts always seemed to be in vain. Something would be cancelled, life would stop, and I would find myself reading my scriptures, crying, and praying for the strength to live through my pain.
It wasn't until I looked at my life and honestly acknowledged the struggle that I could plan and take steps to face it. As I did, I found a wealth of "resources" for dealing with it. Practicing a musical instrument (even if I'm mediocre), studying the scriptures, going to a public place where I can be around people who know me and will stop to talk with me, going somewhere to meet new people, giving service at the food bank or another place, going to the temple, finding friends and having meaningful conversations long into the night, finding something fun that is also productive and won't make me feel guilty after (I can't play video games - I feel like I'm wasting my life away), writing in my journal or to others, writing poetry, visiting family members (that's what I'll do today! I knew this blog was inspired. :) )... I still fight depression. Today I woke up and found myself crying before even eating breakfast. But I don't feel as hopeless as I did when I was 16. I know that, eventually, the shadows will fade and I'll be able to move forward with my life, and smile, again. And, in the meantime, I'm grateful for the opportunity to rely on God and see His hand in my life.
Living with my attractions has been a similar struggle, though I didn't honestly acknowledge it until after my mission. But since I have, and given my life to God, He has helped me see the light at the end of each crisis. Individual temptations, like depression, eventually go away. They'll come back, but knowing how to cope - whether running 10 miles or biking 20, finding a good friend keep my thoughts busy, going to the temple, taking a walk for a few hours, or even watching people at the mall or somewhere else - helps me to have hope in the midst of what are easily the worst moments of my life.
So I'm honest with myself about my circumstances. But I never give up hope. A friend told me this yesterday: We are the result of our actions. We're not a result of our upbringing, our nature, or our circumstances in life - we're a result of our actions - the choices we make. And that statement brings me hope. Even though I live with depression, I'm an awful friend, and I have the most pathetic, undesirable set of temptations known to man... I am a child of God, striving to keep His commandments and become like Him.
Honestly? I feel better. Life can be so incredibly, suffocatingly awful. I don't think there's any way to explain it. But it's ok. God is there for me; He will take care of me if, by my actions, I choose to follow Him.
Labels:
Depression,
Faith,
Good Habits,
Happiness,
Light,
Nature vs Nurture,
Optimism,
Overcoming Temptation,
Peace,
Perspective
Wednesday, July 21
Childhood memories
After reading some of the psychological theories surrounding same-sex attraction, I've tried looking back on who I am... and it also serves as a good introduction for this blog.
I grew up in the ideal Mormon family - parents who are superheroes, a supportive ward, and happy extended family. My mom and I have a great relationship, but I've never been able to really understand my dad. Our brains work totally different.
I was a jock in school. And a nerd. And an arts kid. I did everything well, which meant my teachers loved me and my peers hated my guts. Finding good friends who also had high standards was hard. I was on sports teams, but I knew that even though I was idolized for what I could do, people didn't really understand me.
Whatever the reason, I started feeling physical attraction to guys when I was twelve years old.
I was really into computers and spent hours surfing the net. One day I discovered pornography. It sucked me in and began the process of destroying my life.
For the next four years, I struggled. I went between absolute guilt and depression to feeling, when I was ok, for weeks or months, like I was on top of the world. I prayed for help and tried everything to keep myself clean. I encouraged my parents to install Internet safety software, then found myself circumventing it the next night at 2 in the morning. And, through it all, I told no one. I knew what I needed to do. I skipped one of our temple trips because I didn't feel worthy. Each interview with my bishop just happened to fall after I had already gone through the pain and turmoil of repentance. I tried to make up for it by being super-righteous in everything I did. I thought that I had beaten it and could handle it on my own. And, in all the manuals of the Church that I had available to me as a young teenager (and I looked), there was no real concise information about what you needed to tell your bishop. I thought that my only problem was with pornography. I didn't even realize how much an understatement that would have been.
When I turned sixteen, I thought I was finally learning to master who I was. In my patriarchal blessing, it promised me that, in due time, I would be free of temptations. Then, during a routine yearly physical, I was sexually abused by my doctor. The pain and the guilt welled up inside me and made me want to die. I felt like it was my fault - that if I had been a better person, the doctor wouldn't have done that to me. Or maybe it was divine retribution for all the wrongs I had committed in the past. I told my parents and bishop about the abuse, because I was concerned for my siblings. But I could never bring myself to describe it in detail... and everyone forgot about it within a few weeks. Everyone but me.
Some theorists have observed a link between sexual abuse and later same-sex attraction. Whatever the reality, that was enough to break me. My pornography addiction came back, along with everything that went along with it. But I was older now, and the Brethren had begun talking about pornography. Here I am: a righteous, upstanding member of the Church, and inside I hide a terrible sin. I'm a hypocrite. I started suffering from major depression. But that only worsened the problem, since I thought that depression was a sin, too. I mean, I had a perfect family, the perfect life, the gospel, and everything I wanted. What right did I have to be depressed? So I put on a happy face to be true to my beliefs. Another thing that kept people from understanding who I really was. When I was alone, positive thinking worked some of the time. But sometimes I would be so low that I contemplated suicide. In those hours, I asked God to help me. I asked Him to take away my suffering, to heal me, to help me become a truly good person. And He answered my prayers... but not in the way I had asked. He didn't take away my suffering. But He sent me personal signs to show that He loved me... and inside my heart and mind He told me that I could do it. That He knew I could do it. While I cried and cried and prayed and wished that I could be healed, I knew that He loved me... and that He knew I could make it through. And I slowly learned to beat it.
When I first went to BYU, I tried to be as busy as possible. I worked as hard as I could and threw myself into everything. It worked for a little while to help me forget, but the depression and the urges came back. But I could fight them, right? Only this time, they came with the sinister realization that I was physically attracted to men.
When I went on a mission for the Church, I again prayed that the Lord would heal me. Two years without an Internet connection was freedom. And the Lord blessed me with companions that didn't stir up feelings I didn't want aroused.
I came home and started dating, expecting everything to turn out perfectly. I would fall in love with a great girl, get married, have a family. But I realized there was something wrong. Everyone else talked about people they wanted to date... from just looking at them. Everyone looked the same to me. The only way I chose anyone to date was talking with them - and then I would consider them for a first date if they could hold a decent conversation. At the same time, I realized that I was attracted to guys. It wasn't all guys. Just some... and as soon as my mind started wandering in that direction, I turned it off. There is no way that I could be gay. Absolutely no way.
The closest that I've come to falling in love was when I dated a girl after my mission. I wasn't physically attracted to her at all (that really bothered her). Other than that, we had a lot in common. But, for some reason, it just didn't feel right. She, and I, just needed to find someone else. I cried for months.
I found myself more and more attracted to guys, and dating became harder... today, life continues to get more complicated, but I am clean. Free of addiction, free of massive temptations. But that doesn't mean life is easy.
And that's where I'll end the memories.
I grew up in the ideal Mormon family - parents who are superheroes, a supportive ward, and happy extended family. My mom and I have a great relationship, but I've never been able to really understand my dad. Our brains work totally different.
I was a jock in school. And a nerd. And an arts kid. I did everything well, which meant my teachers loved me and my peers hated my guts. Finding good friends who also had high standards was hard. I was on sports teams, but I knew that even though I was idolized for what I could do, people didn't really understand me.
Whatever the reason, I started feeling physical attraction to guys when I was twelve years old.
I was really into computers and spent hours surfing the net. One day I discovered pornography. It sucked me in and began the process of destroying my life.
For the next four years, I struggled. I went between absolute guilt and depression to feeling, when I was ok, for weeks or months, like I was on top of the world. I prayed for help and tried everything to keep myself clean. I encouraged my parents to install Internet safety software, then found myself circumventing it the next night at 2 in the morning. And, through it all, I told no one. I knew what I needed to do. I skipped one of our temple trips because I didn't feel worthy. Each interview with my bishop just happened to fall after I had already gone through the pain and turmoil of repentance. I tried to make up for it by being super-righteous in everything I did. I thought that I had beaten it and could handle it on my own. And, in all the manuals of the Church that I had available to me as a young teenager (and I looked), there was no real concise information about what you needed to tell your bishop. I thought that my only problem was with pornography. I didn't even realize how much an understatement that would have been.
When I turned sixteen, I thought I was finally learning to master who I was. In my patriarchal blessing, it promised me that, in due time, I would be free of temptations. Then, during a routine yearly physical, I was sexually abused by my doctor. The pain and the guilt welled up inside me and made me want to die. I felt like it was my fault - that if I had been a better person, the doctor wouldn't have done that to me. Or maybe it was divine retribution for all the wrongs I had committed in the past. I told my parents and bishop about the abuse, because I was concerned for my siblings. But I could never bring myself to describe it in detail... and everyone forgot about it within a few weeks. Everyone but me.
Some theorists have observed a link between sexual abuse and later same-sex attraction. Whatever the reality, that was enough to break me. My pornography addiction came back, along with everything that went along with it. But I was older now, and the Brethren had begun talking about pornography. Here I am: a righteous, upstanding member of the Church, and inside I hide a terrible sin. I'm a hypocrite. I started suffering from major depression. But that only worsened the problem, since I thought that depression was a sin, too. I mean, I had a perfect family, the perfect life, the gospel, and everything I wanted. What right did I have to be depressed? So I put on a happy face to be true to my beliefs. Another thing that kept people from understanding who I really was. When I was alone, positive thinking worked some of the time. But sometimes I would be so low that I contemplated suicide. In those hours, I asked God to help me. I asked Him to take away my suffering, to heal me, to help me become a truly good person. And He answered my prayers... but not in the way I had asked. He didn't take away my suffering. But He sent me personal signs to show that He loved me... and inside my heart and mind He told me that I could do it. That He knew I could do it. While I cried and cried and prayed and wished that I could be healed, I knew that He loved me... and that He knew I could make it through. And I slowly learned to beat it.
When I first went to BYU, I tried to be as busy as possible. I worked as hard as I could and threw myself into everything. It worked for a little while to help me forget, but the depression and the urges came back. But I could fight them, right? Only this time, they came with the sinister realization that I was physically attracted to men.
When I went on a mission for the Church, I again prayed that the Lord would heal me. Two years without an Internet connection was freedom. And the Lord blessed me with companions that didn't stir up feelings I didn't want aroused.
I came home and started dating, expecting everything to turn out perfectly. I would fall in love with a great girl, get married, have a family. But I realized there was something wrong. Everyone else talked about people they wanted to date... from just looking at them. Everyone looked the same to me. The only way I chose anyone to date was talking with them - and then I would consider them for a first date if they could hold a decent conversation. At the same time, I realized that I was attracted to guys. It wasn't all guys. Just some... and as soon as my mind started wandering in that direction, I turned it off. There is no way that I could be gay. Absolutely no way.
The closest that I've come to falling in love was when I dated a girl after my mission. I wasn't physically attracted to her at all (that really bothered her). Other than that, we had a lot in common. But, for some reason, it just didn't feel right. She, and I, just needed to find someone else. I cried for months.
I found myself more and more attracted to guys, and dating became harder... today, life continues to get more complicated, but I am clean. Free of addiction, free of massive temptations. But that doesn't mean life is easy.
And that's where I'll end the memories.
Labels:
Abuse,
Dating,
Memories,
Nature vs Nurture,
Overcoming Temptation,
Repentance
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