Will You Kiss Me, Mormon Guy?

To the girl I'm dating: If you read this (or one of your girlfriends hears about the conversation, reads the post, and puts two and two together... which would not be ideal in any way)... please don't share it with the world. Please don't let it ruin your life. Hopefully it helps you understand. Either way, I hope you can support me in trying to do what's right.

I just left a heartfelt conversation with the girl I'm dating and feel like... I can't even find a metaphor.

No. Wait. I can find one. But it may not be a metaphor.

I feel like a jerk.

Dating, for me, is hard. I push myself to date because I feel like the Lord wants me to, because it helps me to have faith that someday I'll fall in love and get married, and because I honestly care about people and want to help them feel loved and appreciated... And in the Church, dating is currently the only acceptable way to make friends with girls I don't really know... since hanging out has gotten a bad rap. But I find that dating women, at least in my case, often causes more grief than I could ever imagine.

There are lots of casualties. Some of them I can explain upfront, at the beginning of a relationship, and that at least puts things in perspective. But there's one that rips me apart more than any other, and has probably been the biggest reason I've broken up with girls in the past... and it happens when my lack of physical attraction begins to show through.

I date amazing women. They are smart, beautiful (I'd guess so at least - I'm definitely not a judge in that world), confident, accomplished, caring, and they love the gospel. I have the desire to help them feel loved, and to never do anything to betray their trust. But sometimes those conflict... so there are divergent camps in my mind on how to deal with the physical aspect of dating. One side says to use dating to try new things, and give women the affection they need. Kiss girls I'm not attracted to, and see if I can get anything to work, reverse frog-prince style. I'm not comfortable with that and don't think it matches who I am. Instead, I'm completely honest in my relationships. I try to send clear signals that accurately relate where I stand, and I don't express physical attraction unless it's there. Which means I don't express physical attraction at all. And that's painful.

Today I had a DTR (defining the relationship) talk with the girl I've been dating. It didn't start out as a DTR, but it steadily went in that direction. I could tell that something was on her mind... something important enough that it was keeping her up at night and distracting her from the rest of life... and so I waited for her to ask whatever question she wanted to ask. I think the only question I wouldn't have answered would be about same-sex attraction. We were in a public place, with lots of people... and that's not something I share with anyone anyway... unless the Lord asks me to.

She asked half a dozen questions, and I felt like the questions answers were benign... but there was one at the end... the one that was pressing on her mind:

"Will you kiss me, Mormon Guy?"

Imagine yourself in my shoes. Kissing her would be enough to assuage whatever concerns she had about how much I cared. It would be enough to help her feel okay walking down an incredibly confusing, frustrating path. It would be enough to help her sleep at night and focus on life during the day.

But kissing her, even just once, would betray her trust and make everything far more painful, because of the implication of that kiss.

I'm the kind of guy that feels that kisses shouldn't be given away like pretzels. It has to mean something. That said, I've changed from my pre-mission thoughts that I'd never kiss a girl until she knelt across from me at the altar. As soon as I fall in love, it will definitely happen. But not before.

So I looked at her, felt like a jerk, and told her no. I wouldn't kiss her... at least not at that point in our relationship. It wasn't a shut-down, but it definitely wasn't a kiss. It was a "that's not where I am right now... but if I get there, then it will happen."

As I went home after dropping her off, I found myself wondering. There are few things I hate worse than causing emotional pain through relationships... and dating me does exactly that. So do I just cut off the relationship because I know it will probably not work anyway, to lessen the eventual pain? Do I let her make the decision of how long to keep dating, without showing physical affection beyond courtesy, even though she doesn't really have all the information (like the fact that I live with same-sex attraction)? Do I just keep going until I personally get a feeling that marriage isn't an option and this isn't going to work? Do I try to move the relationship to a "let's be friends?" And if I keep dating her, what are the terms? How often do I ask her out so that I'm not taking all her time or attention...

...and the questions went on and on and on.

The answer I've chosen is a mix of the above. When I feel like asking her out, I'll ask her out. If not, then I won't. And it'll stay that way until I feel strongly about the relationship one way or another.

And as far as her frustration and confusion... there's not a lot I can do right now. If I fall in love, I'll tell her everything I face and let her choose. But that hasn't happened, and, until it does, I care about her too much to betray her with a kiss.

Re-Post: Original It Gets Better Post

I've had a number of requests to repost this content. So I'm reposting it. Thank heavens Google has a cache; otherwise I'd have no way of getting it back. I probably should have just made another post instead of editing the original. I'll make a note of that for any future posts. Sorry about that, and to those who found their comments suddenly attached to the wrong post.

I have a lot of strong feelings about BYU and Church Education in general, a long list of things that I would change, and major qualms with some of the ideas that are espoused by professors and students. But, of all the topics on which I could disagree, I never expected this to be one of them.

I watched the video "It Gets Better at BYU" and found myself unnerved that the creators never mentioned the distinction that always comes up in every other discussion that involves BYU or the Church. That's the distinction between "being gay = simply having same-sex attraction" and "being gay = being actively engaged in homosexual relationships." In the Church, the distinction is clear - having same-sex attraction isn't a sin. Having homosexual relationships is a sin.

Without that distinction, saying that God is okay with someone being gay has multiple, and somewhat duplicitous, meanings. Does it mean that it's okay to live with same-sex attraction as long as you never act on it... or that God is okay with men who marry men?

I don't have problems with the video's association with the "It Gets Better" project (I definitely don't agree with the organization itself - as its goals extend beyond preventing bullying into the arena of same-sex marriage)... since it's a good way to simply share a theme and reach traffic. But using the BYU name, for the world, implies that whoever is speaking is speaking for all the gay Mormons at BYU, and, by extension, gay Mormons in the Church as a whole. But I finished watching the video feeling horribly uneasy... because I'm not sure if the creators really agree with what the Church teaches.

The impact on the different audiences is interesting. People outside the Church will see it and may get slightly confused - at least those who are familiar with the Church's teachings on homosexuality. Those inside the Church will better understand the pain that people feel, and it'll start a charged conversation about the actual doctrine of the Church. That conversation has already started. And to those who live in the Church and live with same-sex attraction, it shows that you can make it... but, at least for me, it didn't offer the peace that I knew I would want - proof that it's possible not only to be happy by making it through the teen years, but that peace and hope could come through living the gospel.

Life does get better as people become more able to deal with their trials. I know it's gotten better for me. We should all reach out with love and understanding to bless the lives of those around us... and live the gospel to improve our own.

It Gets Better... at BYU

(This post was just edited - Sunday April 8)

I have an apology to make. What I wrote in this post about the It Gets Better video from BYU didn't capture anything of what the video was about, and took away the effort and sacrifice, love, and faith that went into its creation. The video wasn't designed to teach the world about what Mormons believe about same-sex attraction. It wasn't designed to reaffirm members who wonder about those same beliefs. It was created for one sole purpose - a purpose that matches the reason I began writing (Gay) Mormon Guy - to reach out and help those who are struggling inside the Church... and to help them realize that, if you can make it past the hardest years, it really does get better. Life isn't over. You can have faith that life will go on, you can find happiness, follow your dreams, and... whatever else you want to make of your life.

That's why there isn't a distinction or any doctrinal teaching in the video... because it is designed only for the people who already know. It speaks to them, and even if everyone else doesn't understand, it still speaks to their hearts. Yes, there is a distinction between living the gospel and breaking it - and that's where the video lays. Staying in the Church, staying in life, staying on BYU campus, it gets better, and staying in the Church or on campus means staying morally clean.

I just watched the video again. And I applaud the students who share their love and their experiences - those fighting the battles and those who support them on the streets. Almost, it makes me want to be a part of something like that... another way to share the gospel with the world.

No matter who you are, what your life, or anything else, the Lord loves you. There is a place for you in the Church and in the gospel. And you can find peace, hope, love, and understanding from people around you. I add my voice here to those around the world.

It gets better.

My Trials Are No Different

I used to think that living with homosexuality was the worst possible trial that God could give someone. Level one trials were like having a bad day at work. Level two trials were like having a bad job in the first place. Level three, breaking up with a girlfriend. And so on, up and up the ladder of my brain until you reach the pinnacle of mortal trials.

I would have traded my life with anyone, because I honestly thought that I had the worst life in the world. Any trial would have been better. Cancer? At best, you live and are cancer-free. At worst, you die early or live a long, drawn out, painful life. Starvation? Same story. Abject poverty? More of the same. But nothing compared with my life. In my mind, no one could really understand or empathize because, in my mind, their trials were mundane.

And they had so much more help. Support groups, foundations, scholarships, 5K races, public service announcements, government programs, Church programs, charities, and a network of people who have been where they had been and could answer their questions. Name a problem, and there was a system put in place to help people overcome it, or at least find hope.

I had nothing, and my trial seemed impossible where nothing else was.

But I was wrong.

The realization came slowly, as I began to find meaning in my life and learned how I fit in God's Plan. Taken as a whole, my set of trials was different - as every trial is. But taken apart, I saw how the feelings and "micro-trials" I faced each day really weren't all that different from people all over the world.

When I feel confused about my place in God's Plan, I join millions of people looking for truth and seeking God's direction in their lives. When I feel frustration with dating, part of that frustration mirrors that felt by every other young single adult in the Church. When my mind wanders, I exercise the same willpower needed to overcome addictions. The hopelessness from fearing I'll never get married matches, in part, that felt by singles everywhere, but even more closely, those with severe physical or mental disabilities... and the same comparison happens with depression, needs in friendships, trouble understanding doctrinal applications, choosing direction in life... and every micro-trial that makes up same-sex attraction.

Every trial in life, in fact, is made up of micro-trials. I looked at everything the people around me were facing, and saw easily how decomposing their difficulties into the smallest pieces suddenly meant that I could relate to them... and that gave incredible meaning to the scripture I had read in Corinthians but never really believed.

13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I had never believed it because I didn't understand what God meant. He didn't mean that someone else in the world was experiencing the exact same set of major trials that I was. My life, and its trials, were probably unique. But if I looked closely enough, I could find people everywhere who had individually lived, suffered, and overcome the micro-trials that composed my life...

And with that realization came another: my trials had been specifically chosen for me. God had a clean slate to send me into mortality. He could have sent me here with anything. But He didn't. He didn't send me with cancer or to struggle with alcoholism. He didn't send me to Africa or the Middle Ages. He created my life perfectly with the trials and blessings and talents and gifts that I needed to return to Him. And for that I am grateful.

I used to believe that my trials were impossible to understand. That no one could relate or give me useful advice. But the Lord taught that, looking closely at life, there hath no temptation [or micro-trial] taketh you but such as is common to man. Every temptation and trial can be overcome.

My trials are no different.

The Prop 8 Firestorm Is Back

It's been a week since the 9th District Court ruled that California's amendment to the constitution was unconstitutional. The outlash of emotion bottled since the last foray has erupted, with charged and pent-up anger, frustration, and misunderstanding coloring both sides. Name-calling, deliberate misinterpretation, mudslinging and personal fouls have become the norm of those trying to get their point across... and it's not just in private communique; the public sphere of forums and debates has been laid with traps and mines by zealots on either side, ready to catch anyone so foolhardy as to say an errant word. Both sides are entrenched, ready and waiting for their part in the battle that has already begun to ensue.

But no one can see the fatal mistake. The real enemy has already administered poison by degrees, and it's only a matter of time before both sides succumb.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. - Ephesians 6:12

In the wake of the decision by the court, the Church gave a short news report. It reiterated the Church's position and then, at the end, gave counsel to those involved:

"We recognize that this decision represents a continuation of what has been a vigorous public debate over the rights of the people to define and protect the fundamental institution of marriage. There is no doubt that today’s ruling will intensify the debate in this country. We urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion."

I'm not an expert in communication with respect and civility, but I've tried to become better at communicating with others. In that tone, here are some of the things I do to share my testimony, on this subject, with the world.

1. Don't use metaphors. In the Church we use metaphors and symbols regularly. It helps to compare our thoughts and ideas. Metaphors are always imperfect though, and in heated situations can be taken too literally, and are easily taken for a change in subject. I don't compare same-sex marriage to anything else, or bring up any other topic during the conversation, even if I feel that same-sex marriage is like (insert event here).

2. Use "I" and speak about my own personal experiences and testimony. I do not have authority to make statements of doctrine. But a sincere, honest testimony about the gospel and its blessings always opens doors and hearts far more than pontificating on doctrine and the reasons behind it.

3. Don't bash or retaliate. If the discussion begins to degenerate into slurs or tangential arguments, stay focused on the ideals at hand and focused on my own experience. Don't call names, make remarks about judgment or remarks of others, use sarcasm, or tongue-in-cheek statements... and let them roll off if they are directed at me. People will never listen to epithets, and burning bridges that will always need to be crossed again is the absolute worst way to come unto Christ. Honesty, sincerity, humility, and kindness will always do far more for the cause than getting in the last word.

4. Think twice, write once, edit thrice, and think again. What I write online lasts forever. Literally - forever. Saying the wrong thing, or posting something with an unintended double entendre, will have lasting negative effects. It may be tempting to dive into the fray at ground zero, but often it is far more compelling to think, watch, and contribute only when I know what I have to say is worthwhile. And once I've written it, I stop and think again - not only about what I've written, but about the ways it could be interpreted and the impact it might have on the discussion as a whole.

5. Focus improvement inward - not outward. Sometimes I feel pressured into the trap of thinking that I am the source of truth that needs to be instilled in others. I'm drawn to take my light and shine it as brightly as possible on others, hoping that some of it will enter and change their nature. That's the trap outlined in the opening scene of this post - each side has weapons of knowledge and truth, hoping to use them to advance on the field. That may seem effective in advancing a specific cause, but that's not how it works in helping people change and learn truth. Light and truth doesn't come from individuals. It comes from God, and individually, through the ministration of the Holy Ghost. What that means is that if I want someone to learn truth, I need to create an environment where he can hear the Holy Ghost. In the end, this is what guides what I say and write most.


There is a war raging, and I find myself standing at the front. But my opponents are not protestors or activists, politicians or judges. My opponents are greed, hatred, frustration, impatience, dishonor, misunderstanding, and spite. And hopefully, against those opponents, I can triumph... and in doing so in my own life, make the world a better place.

Hidden Struggles

Yesterday in one of the classroom discussions at Church the conversation turned, as it often does, to marriage. I'm sure that other wards can't talk about it as much as we do. Maybe. Some people hate it. I love it. I mean, if I'm going to be the world's best husband and dad some day, I'm definitely need a ton of preparation. I welcome all the help I can get. Among the topics that came out in the swirling discussion were pornography, honesty, fidelity after marriage, being open with others, dating (our dating stats are probably about as good as our hometeaching stats - dismal), and how to change our lives if/when we find ourselves in the pit of despair due to our own sins. I listened for a reference to homosexuality, and it came up for a second as the teacher shared a story from a friend, but then it disappeared in the discussion that followed. The teacher definitely didn't live with same-sex attraction, and I doubt that he realized that any of us did either.

That thought made me stop and ponder for a moment. If my trials aren't readily apparent to anyone else... then the same is probably true in the cases of others. I found myself looking around the room, realizing that here, in the boundaries of my ward, there are people with countless hidden struggles - pornography, depression, disability, illness & pain, and everything else under the sun. I'm pretty sure there are other men and women who live with same-sex attraction. They sit next to me in Sunday School, speak in my Sacrament meeting, and work with me on projects and activities... and I have no idea about the troubles they face.

What would I say if everyone in the classroom lived with same-sex attraction? How about if they struggled with pornography or fought depression on a daily basis? I'm definitely not a callous person, but sometimes I'm exhausted from life and don't take the time to ask people about their lives and listen to their responses (and give them plenty of time to respond through small talk), even though I know I should. I ask, and of nothing seems wrong then I respond in kind and move on - unaware of the trials hidden beneath the surface and not developing a relationship of trust deep enough to help them come to light.

I need to get better at that. I need to remember that everyone was sent here to Earth and given trials beyond their ability to bear alone. Everyone has major problems. Maybe they're not visible on the outside, but they're there... and as I do my part to help people without seeing their struggles, I am doing my part to help my brothers and sisters - including those who live next to me with same-sex attraction. I need to get better at a lot of other things too. I'm way too un-excitable in my life. I don't smile or laugh enough. I probably over think everything that happens in life, and I'm really bad at telling people how much I care about them. I'm way judgmental of my own actions and mistakes, and hold myself to a high standard, and I think that sometimes people assume I feel the same way about their flaws. I'm bad at giving constructive feedback and I don't give enough compliments or praise considering the caliber of people with whom I associate. And beyond that I'm still a sinner.

But that's all I really can do. Put people's names on the temple prayer roll, pray for friends and strangers by name and by trial, be kind and outgoing and understanding and a good example and try to befriend others notwithstanding my weaknesses and frustrations in life. And, in the end, I need to realize that this is not my work. I'm not a superhero who is single-handedly saving the world, or even saving one person. I'm a servant, a worker, under the Master of all mankind - the One who will save us and redeem all of humanity. I don't need to save the world - because He already has, and does, as He answers prayers and heals hearts through the millions of people who open their lives to following the counsel of the Holy Ghost. This was His work long before it was my work, and He cares about His children far more than I can. He will move Heaven and Earth to ensure that each and every man and woman has the best possible chance to grow and return to Him. I just need to do my part - be willing to follow God and use my own talents, trials, time, and faith to build the kingdom one by one... and He, whether personally or through others, will always take care of the rest.

CES Fireside Tonight - 6:00 MST - Elder Jensen

There's a CES fireside tonight; Elder Jay E Jensen will be speaking at 6:00 MST to young adults all over the world. You can watch the fireside live at cesdevotionals.LDS.org or get the live audio feed at mormonchannel.org.

I'll probably be tweeting the fireside live. You can follow me on Twitter - @gaymormonguy - and you'll hear from me tonight!

Tis a Gift to be Simple

Last night I had a conversation with a guy that made me think a lot about who I am and why I'm here in life. He and I have a lot in common, and the circumstances under which we met were incredibly serendipitous. In talking with him, I was hoping to see a mirror of myself, a pattern to learn from, a form of good and bad and better choices to apply in my life. I wanted answers to some of the questions I've had in life - an understanding of how he's learned to cope with the problems that I face. But, while I could see myself reflected in a few of the things he said, as the conversation progressed, I realized that our problems and trials have far less to do with each other than I had ever expected... and there would be no easy answer by the time we said goodbye.

In the hours since, I've wondered about who I am, what exactly I'm supposed to be doing here, and the destiny that I have waiting on the horizon. I've always had the feeling that life was going to get much, much harder for me in the future... from when I was little... and the feeling persists even today. This is only the tip of the iceberg. And so I wonder exactly what the Lord has in mind for me. My patriarchal blessing talks about sharing the gospel, and about being a father, healer, missionary, teacher, counselor, and leader. It doesn't talk about living with same-gender attraction, or fighting depression, or navigating the paths of learning to be a friend. It doesn't talk about abuse, or fear, or how to develop lasting friendships by becoming more vulnerable in relationships when I already wear my heart on my sleeve and put everything in my life on the table.

And it makes me wonder how some of the people in the scriptures felt during points of their lives. Don't misinterpret me. I'm not a prophet or an apostle or even anyone with authority in the Church. But I wonder how Moroni felt when he was alone, running from the Lamanites... how Paul felt on his missionary journeys, how John the Beloved feels as he serves among people who never truly become his friends. And how Christ felt when He alone understood what it was that He was called to do.

It makes me wonder if this is just part of my gift - if I was just supposed to learn sublime principles from feeling alone, or if it's supposed to inspire me to action, both of which have happened many times. If I had tons of friends, I would never have started this blog. I probably wouldn't have cared as much about people suffering in the world. I wouldn't have the time to respond to personal emails, text, chat, and meet people to help us come closer to Christ... But because I've been able to watch people change, it has been worth it. It will always be worth it.

I don't know what the future holds... whether someone will feel the call to be my friend, or I'll develop the abilities that elude me, or I'll go through life as a missionary - making intense, short-term connections with people all over the world. Thankfully, if I do my best, the Lord will take care of me - in the short and long term. He cares about me and is involved in my life. And that makes life a whole lot more simple.

We Are All Enlisted

It's time to lift up your voice in defense of truth and virtue. We are all enlisted... and no matter who you are, today you are called to rise up and share the gospel as it applies to you... to open your mouth and be heard... to speak in the language of your life... and to change the world.

When I first began writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, a priesthood leader counseled me to not be a leader - not to form an army or take leadership of people in a place or role where I had no formal authority. But as time has gone on, I've realized that my story isn't enough. At first I thought it was a problem with publicity - maybe if people simply knew about (Gay) Mormon Guy, and read my story, it would help them in some way. In some cases, it does. But in other cases, I can't communicate with people who need help. There is still a huge need for increased exposure to this topic in the world. But even if I were able to write perfectly, and if every LDS guy and girl with SSA read my blog, and everyone else in the world as well, it wouldn't be enough.

The Church, and the world, needs more soldiers of faith - men and women who are willing to do their part to share their stories with the world. It doesn't mean you have to blog about the most personal parts of your life... but if you're a blogger, and you can speak from experience, then maybe you should. It doesn't mean that you need to talk with everyone. But if you're a social butterfly, and you can see people's needs, then you should. You have within you a calling - a place in the Plan of Heavenly Father that will enable you to bless and change and inspire the lives of His children - whether one at a time or en masse. And today you have been called to serve in that capacity by living prophets.

Come, join the ranks of men and women who aren't afraid to share the gospel in everything they do. Who wear their religion on their sleeves and let it shine in their eyes, because it lifts and lights the world. Come, join the ranks of men and women who have personally experienced the power of the Atonement and would do anything to help a brother or sister in need... and as you serve, you will find the true joy of the gospel - not just living a righteous life and having your unmet needs filled by the mercy and grace of God - but the joy that comes from enabling, lifting, teaching, inspiring, helping others to achieve lasting happiness in their lives. God's joy is shared with us when we engage in His work - the work of changing lives, healing hearts, and saving souls.

We are all enlisted. Make the commitment to join, today, and do what you can to serve... because both you and I have a place in the Plan that only we can fulfill.

Twitter, (G)MG, and General Conference

Listening to Elder Bednar's talk today in General Conference prompted me to try something that scares me a bit. He said that we've been trained to text and to tweet... and so I've decided to share my thoughts on General Conference, realtime, as Mormon Guy, with the world. I know that isn't really unique (since it's already trending), but it's unique for me. My Twitter name itself is unique. But maybe it will help me find people who need the message of hope the gospel brings.

If you don't have a Twitter account, you can sign up for one at twitter.com

Once there, you can search the hashtag (a term used to identify and sort messages/tweets) #LDSConf for the conference discussion, and watch for my posts as @GayMormonGuy. Wow. Wish me luck.

Inspirational Fire

I had a conversation with a friend this week. Someone else had mentioned that he needed help... and didn't want to be part of the Church anymore... and that's my cue to drop everything. I called him as soon as I could, then called his roommates when he didn't wake up, and then we just spent the rest of the day talking.

It's always an amazing experience for me to see where someone lacks in faith, and to be able to be there when the light goes back on in his eyes. To hear his story, to help him feel understood, and to open his eyes to the hope and peace that comes from the gospel. My friend was struggling in his testimony and told me, honestly, that he didn't want to come to church because he felt judged for his beliefs... and because he still had a long way to go in repentance before he could actually participate in all the aspects of the church, like going to the temple and taking the sacrament again. He didn't feel remorse for his sins, didn't feel like he should repent when he had learned from the bad mistakes he had made, and, at the core, didn't believe the gospel was true for everyone.

This friend doesn't know me very well. We've only had a smattering of conversations, ever. He doesn't know that I live with same-sex attraction, or any of the other difficulties that life has brought me. He expressed, ironically, the thought that the gospel couldn't be true for those with same-sex attraction... and so it really couldn't be true for anyone... because even though they might receive glory in the next life, a "lonely life of misery" wasn't worth an eternal reward. I agree - unlike him and his friends, though, I've found that happiness and peace in life doesn't come from following natural urges, but by becoming a different person - by working and growing and making a difference... and by doing what is right. It is more than possible to have an amazing, fulfilled life in the gospel and never be married or have a family (as long as that's out of my control). My friend doesn't have same-sex attraction - just a couple friends who have left the Church, or never were a part. So all I could do was share the testimony that I have, without giving context to all my beliefs and knowledge, and pray that somehow it would be enough... that somehow it would help him relight the fire of faith that he had before.

I dropped him off after our conversation and wondered what the impact had been. He hadn't made any commitments in the end, even though I extended a few. He hadn't gone through a visible change, and it seemed like our hours-long conversation was just sitting there on the surface - it hadn't sunk in. Until a few days ago. The same friend who had originally mentioned that his friend was struggling and needed help sent me an email, thanking me for the conversation I had had. In the days since, it sank in, and helped our friend work through his struggles, and regain at least part of his faith... relight part of the flame. The gospel really is true... and it has the power to bring peace and happiness in this life to everyone, regardless of their trials. That's the spark of truth that resonated with him, and the one that always brings a smile to my face. And any good boy scout knows that a spark - lighting part of the fire is usually enough to set it all aflame.

When No One Understands... Or Cares

Living with same-sex attraction has been a lifelong series of ups and downs... and the time I spend down is pretty awful. Right now, my life is in order and I feel like I am on top of the world. But tomorrow, or the next day, it could very well start to spiral downward into an inevitable crumble into pieces... with or without my permission or any action on my part.

I have clinical depression that is unrelated to being attracted to guys or the rigor or stress of societal structures... which only adds to the conflict. When I write while I'm depressed, my writing is... somewhat depressing. So I thought I'd reflect on my feelings and then what gets me up and out while I'm currently not in the hole.

Sometimes I feel totally and completely worthless. Like no one could ever love me, even if they wanted to... and that if anyone knew about my struggles and the real me, they would reject me in an instant. I feel like everyone around me spends time with me just because they have to. People read this blog because they have nothing better to do. And even my family would disown or at least ignore me if it were allowed by Church standards.

In those moments, I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't want to do anything. And my mind wanders and offers me alternatives that could ease my pain - choices of addictions that could easily numb and soothe into an amnesia to cover my tears. If I give in, then I feel even worse. And even if I don't give in, finding the strength to pray for help and live my own life the way I want to, the pain is still there. It really doesn't make sense to ever give in... and thankfully I've developed habits that have kept me safe.

For me, peace only comes through the Spirit - from God. I can exercise until I'm exhausted, give service until I'm broke, organize activities and do missionary work... but ultimately the healing comes from God - not from any individual thing that I do.

I felt that way not that long ago. I had run out of coping strategies and finally found myself, at the end of the day, at the temple... asking the Lord to give me peace in the midst of the chaos. I asked, and asked, and asked, and asked... and then, as I was listening, He suggested that I pray for others - that I focus my thoughts on them. I did... and spent the next half hour praying for people, by name, asking for specific blessings on their behalf. By the time I left the Celestial Room, and had finished writing names on the prayer roll, my face was streaked with tears. And as I walked outside, I realized that a burden had been lifted from my heart. Somewhere, between my fervent pleas and the exit door, the Lord had given me the peace I needed... as I had focused on others, and sought the Lord in their behalf.

That's the one thing that always gives me hope and lifts me from the depths - finding some way to lift another. Seeing a need, and being able to fill it. Being a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a teacher, a friend. Somehow, my own problems disappear when I pray for others and reflect on their pain.

And then the days go on and the world is beautiful. Depression can be beaten, over time, and with help, on a continuum. And even if it doesn't go away or respond to clinical efforts, I can still live and breathe and find peace and joy in life - which is the same as living with attraction to guys... and all the emotional baggage that accompanies it. Peace, joy, happiness, love, hope, faith, salvation - it's all available to me. Yeah, it'll take a lifetime of hard work. Yes, it may not happen as I want or in my timeframe. But the sun always comes out, one day after another. The clouds always clear from my sorrows. There is hope shining brightly before me, and I know that deliverance is nigh... because God is with me, at my side, through it all - even when it feels like no one understands... or cares.

My Vision for (Gay) Mormon Guy

I visited a site once that had a crazy strict comment policy. Essentially, anything that didn't require intense thought to write wasn't publishable, and was rejected before it even went up. There was a minimum word count. The comments that made it through the automated approval policy were subject to public review on a 1-7 scale... and if a comment got too many low ratings, it disappeared entirely. Post too many low-rated comments, and a subscriber lost his ability to comment at all.

I'm not planning to implement a comment policy like that. The programming involved would be way more than it would be worth, and sometimes I want to leave short, meaningful comments on other sites - just because I want to thank the author. And the word count requirement in the super-strict comment forum meant that people added extra adverbs and adjectives to their posts just to pass the filter requirement.

But I've been wondering about comments recently here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... and I want to try something to see if it makes a difference.

I've thought a lot about not posting simple "thank you" comments. I almost decided today to stop posting any comments that didn't include a question or story for a week. But it's not really my goal to discourage people from expressing gratitude, or any other good feeling, when they can't think of a worthwhile question or experience. It would be like the word minimum that made people add superfluous words to their comments.

So I guess I'll settle for the next best (or maybe better) thing. Sharing the vision.

I invite comments here because I want to create an environment where people can discuss and share their own success stories of faith in their lives. I moderate comments so that people feel safe from attacks... from either side. I'm conservative on what I put here - and sometimes that means that I leave out posts from overzealous members of the Church, gay reparative therapy advocates, gay activists, anti-Mormon preachers, and a host of others. The Huffington Post has vitriolic discussions on gay activism. Exodus and NARTH have forums where you can push and be pushed your flavor of therapy. 

(Gay) Mormon Guy is different. At least, I'm trying to make it different. As much as I can, I'm trying to make it into the blog that I wish I could have read when I was 14, 15, 16... something different from what's available everywhere else... to bring me hope and help me realize that true success - combining incredible happiness, complete obedience to gospel principles, faith, and honesty, no matter what trials I face - really is possible. And not just someday when I die - now... in the midst of life and its everyday chaos.

I'm not an expert on anyone's life but my own. While the principles of the gospel are universal, the journey to success is different for a lot of people. Some come out to the world and then come back. Some find peace in their youth. For some it takes longer. Some search for years. Some people turn to therapists. Some turn to friends. Some people turn to family or anonymous strangers. I have a lot of other problems in my life that I'll never address here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... but the reality of the story is that, for me, moving toward success has been a journey that has taken most of my life... with just me and God as the passengers. (Gay) Mormon Guy is my story. And hopefully something here inspires you to turn to God, follow Him, and write your own.

Glorying in the Lord

When I started writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, I made the commitment to be honest. To lay all the cards on the table and play them like I see them, from my perspective. My hope was to be completely transparent... and in some way open up my experiences, thoughts, motivations, and feelings so that others could develop their own ideas and commitments in their own lives. That's why I write here - the hope that people will be able to find hope, peace, and faith somehow.

Sometimes, though, laying all the cards on the table has negative effects. For some reason... It's only okay to talk about my experiences as long as they prove my ultimate mediocrity. As a blogger, I could talk about a struggle preparing for and taking the LSAT, but mentioning that I got a perfect score, in all but the narrowest of contexts, could be easily misconstrued as arrogance.

It's a part of culture that, from my perspective, encourages me to truly embrace mediocrity as the social norm, instead of focusing on the reality of the good inside me. And, honestly, I don't understand it. I'm a candid person, in life and here, and if people take offense with my communication, then I guess I expect them to identify it so I can explain context. 

The first time it happened here, came with a vitriolic response to a memories about my mission; I had a great mission and was incredibly blessed while serving, and the reader took affront to that assertion. The only reason I had included that info was because someone had asked... and when I realized he was affronted, I tried to explain. Another reader felt it was arrogant to ask people to post their success stories - because of how I had written the invitation. Another more recent difficulty took the form of trying to share the mass of personal communications I get via email, without having to read hundreds of pages. Comments about how principles of the gospel have helped people change speak for themselves, but mixing them into a cohesive set creates difficulty. A good example is the transcript of how I felt I'd try to talk with my parents. I'll be honest. I have been amazed at the comments and letters I've received over the last year. The stories vary with each person - a wife who woke up in the middle of the night, somehow found (Gay) Mormon Guy, and then an hour later, her husband told her that he was attracted to men. A husband who was ready to file for divorce and again, somehow found (Gay) Mormon Guy and decided to talk with his bishop, find a therapist, and says he is happier than ever. Teenagers who had already planned their suicide and found (Gay) Mormon Guy... and found hope in the fact that someone else had been in their place and made it.

Do people change? Yes! Are there miracles? Yes! The gospel is an amazing thing - it changes lives and saves souls. And together I raise my voice with Ammon as he gloried in the Lord in Alma 26 -

11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.
13 Behold, how many thousands of our brethren has he loosed from the pains of hell; and they are brought to sing redeeming love, and this because of the power of his word which is in us, therefore have we not great reason to rejoice?
14 Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed our brethren from the chains of hell.
15 Yea, they were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting light, yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been instruments in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work.
16 Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.
17 Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?
...

35 Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
36 Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.
37 Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.

The Lord has not forgotten me. And He has not forgotten His children who, like me, have felt to be wanderers, outcasts, sinners, and forsaken. He is the God of the Universe, and will grant me my desires according to my faith and His will... and If I am faithful, someday He will save me, and I can help in my own way to make a difference. And, for that, I will give thanks unto my God forever.

Dear Mom and Dad

(I wouldn't actually send a letter. Even though I write well, my parents are verbal people... and they have the important ability of being able to listen even when they're confused or frustrated or lost - a rare trait in parents or children these days. With some people, writing leaves distance from difficult situations... but I've found it works much better to sit down and talk with them in person...)

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have something to tell you... something pretty serious. Yeah, you'll want to sit down. Close the door.

I've mentioned a few times about a blog I write and how it has helped me have an impact on the world. It has been amazing - I've had the daily opportunity to touch people's lives and help them find the faith to avert suicide, fix broken marriages, and pursue lifelong dreams. I started it almost a year ago. You've never read the blog... it's actually anonymous... and it shares how I live the gospel as part of my daily life... a rare insight to a side of me that I don't share with anyone else. It's a story of pain, of suffering, but also of hope, of love, and of faith and hope and trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises.

The topic is... well, I've lived for as long as I can remember with same-gender attraction. I share the gospel through that lens. I don't expect you to understand or know anything about what I'm going through... or even what you should do or not do. There are just a few things I want you to know.

I'm clean. I'm worthy of a temple recommend and plan for that always to be the case, no matter what the cost or what I have to give up.

This isn't who I am. It's not an eternal part of me. But it's something I face today, and have faced for years.

I support everything that the Brethren teach, and I feel like I understand most of what they teach in the actual context they intended. I don't express or support anything contrary to Church doctrine or policies.

Don't treat me differently. Don't expect anything less of me, or more of another, just because I live with this in life. In my Patriarchal Blessing, it promises that I'll fall in love with a girl, be sealed to her in the temple and have children in this life... and while it will take a miracle for that to happen, I believe in miracles. I believe that it'll happen to me, if I'm doing everything I need to do on my part.

Never tell anyone. Never allude to it in conversation. Don't bring it up with me unless you feel the absolute need, and never with anyone else. You can read my blog... just Google "Mormon Guy" and it will be the first hit... but realize that my anonymity needs to be intact... because the Lord has asked me to keep it that way. He told me never to tell anyone... and so the only times I've ever told anyone was when He told me to.

And so that's why I'm telling you - because He told me to. I wasn't ever planning to tell you. I wasn't ever planning to tell anyone, and then that all changed with my blog, when I realized that I had something that others needed - the perspective and faith and hope and peace and joy the gospel brings in everyday life, no matter what trials we face.

As far as what you can do to help me, keep me in your prayers... and when you try to help me in any way, look to the Lord for guidance. The answer isn't going to come from something simple or straightforward; otherwise, we would have already figured it out - it will come as a miracle, as we look to God and follow His promptings, no matter what they are.

I love you... and someday I want my own children to trust me enough to come to me with their problems... hopefully sooner than later... and I wanted you to at least have the vestiges of understanding.

It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The Lord has made amazing promises to me and all His children, if we keep His commandments... and I'm doing that. He will bless me, and it will all work out in the end, and today, for the best.

Mormon Guy

(As the top parentheses explained, this is not a coming out letter. It's just the information I would want my parents to know... and what I would want to know if my own future son struggled with this same issue.)

I'll Be What You Want Me to Be

I've noticed that carrying my greatest trials and burdens in life has made the music of the Church a thousand times more meaningful. I've always been grateful that music was a central part of worship in the gospel, but as I've faced death, illness, pain, and suffering, my introspection on the words has deepened... and I've realized how much true worship really is contained in the texts of the hymns... words that sometimes make me stop singing altogether... just so I can listen and cry.

It may not be on the mountain height or over the stormy sea; it may not be at the battle's front my Lord will have need of me. But, if, by a still, small voice He calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer, dear Lord, with a heart sincere: "I'll go where you want me to go."

There's surely somewhere a lowly place in earth's harvest field so wide where I may labor through life's short day for Jesus the crucified. So trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me, I'll do Thy will with a heart sincere: "I'll be what you want me to be."

Sometimes I look at life, and the many things that make us different. Some are given talents that seem to give them incredible ease in studying. Others are popular. Others are good at listening. And I look at my life... and live with a constant duality. 

On the one hand, I live, every day, with massive and major problems - only some connected here to (Gay) Mormon Guy... trials that most people would say are beyond their comprehension, and that far too often lead me far too deeply into depression. Trials that threaten to cut at the core of my being and make me wonder why and how God could allow someone to experience that kind of emotional suffering.

But I look at who I am because of those trials, and I stand amazed. Somehow, God has taken a little boy, scared, confused, and hurting... and infused him with light to become a better man. A man of faith. A man of love. A man of wisdom. I know that some of you hate when I talk about myself. But this isn't about me - it's about the change that God wrought in me through the refiner's fire. About the incredible vision He has for His children... and about the power that lay in obedience to His call and faith in His promises.

I used to pray, fervently and desperately, for God to take away my trials. To make me just like everyone else... to give me friends... to let me be attracted to girls... to lose my attraction to guys... and to just help me fit in with the rest of the world around me. I looked up at the heavens, and, tears in my eyes, asked Him to lighten my burdens and to make me whole.

Today, I am grateful that He didn't... but answered my prayers in His own way. He gave me the strength, the wisdom, the knowledge, and the faith to move forward and to become the man He saw in me... something I could have never done without being surrounded by adversity.

Today I pray for strength and faith to bear my burdens. Love to lift others and to love them unconditionally. Wisdom to see God's hand in all the things in my life. Gratitude to appreciate His gifts to me, in every form they may take. And guidance... to know what I should do, what I should say, and who I should be. I know now that my life may never be easy or simple. I may never have my burdens lifted, even though I wish they could be. But, trusting my all to His tender care, and knowing He loves me... I'll do His will with a heart sincere... I'll be what He wants me to be.

A (Gay) Mormon Blog

When I started (Gay) Mormon Guy last year, my initial goal was to share my story with other faithful members of the LDS Church whose lives included gay/homosexual/same-sex attraction/same-gender attraction (whatever you prefer calling it) and who wanted help getting out of crisis. My first blog followers came from ads I posted in the gay personals section of Craigslist... located in a few areas with lots of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I volunteered to be a friend to talk to for those who wanted help being faithful. The subsequent flood of responses via chat and email kept me up for days on end - as the online gay community (and the Internet as a whole) seems to come to life at 9:00 and go to sleep around 3:00.

I found that many guys asked the same questions - background about me and how I resisted temptation... how I felt about the trial... my relationship with God. My blog (Gay) Mormon Guy was created to bridge the gap between sharing facts with a large audience (blog postings) and still having a personal connection (personal emails using the comment function or the email listed at "Contact Me").

For a few months I thought that was it. I got frequent emails and comments from readers - mostly men - who were somewhere on the path with me, and I felt like (Gay) Mormon Guy was doing its part. Partially. With every email and comment, though, I realized that there were many, many more men - especially young men questioning their faith - who might need someone's help and support.

I asked the Lord for guidance, and He told me to ask a member of my stake presidency. I was terrified, but I trusted him, and Him, so I did... and he gave me incredibly pertinent, inspired counsel. As for reaching more people, the Lord told me He would take care of it.

General Conference (October 2010) rolled around and President Packer gave a talk that was interpreted in such a way to create a massive firestorm in the gay community, and the gay Mormon community as well. I wasn't aware of the fireworks until a reader of my blog - a girl named Lauren - asked me what I thought about the talk. I spent the next day watching, re-watching, listening, praying, and reading the talk, then posted "President Packer's Talk... From a (Gay) Mormon Perspective."

Someone posted it to Facebook, and within days hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world had visited my blog at (Gay) Mormon Guy, many "following."

Some of the newcomers were men and women who matched my path, and most weren't. One passionate email said that my blog had "degenerated." He said that he went through the new followers and commented that most looked like "Mormon housewives." I have the deepest esteem for women in the Church who make the decision to sacrifice potential careers, worldly acquisitions, and their own personal agenda to instill a love of the gospel into their children. My mother was one of those women... and I plan to marry one someday. I think motherhood is one of the most important, influential works in the world. They are so much more than housewives.

So my blog changed, and it became a go-to for information on my life perspective as a (Gay) Mormon. I started telling more of my life's story and the day-to-day of my life living with same-sex attraction. The nature of my emails and comments changed, too; I still had people asking for help, but now I sorted through hundreds simply saying thank you.

As time has passed, Google, NothingWavering.org, blogrolls on personal blogs, guest posts, and other aggregators have led a new wave of readers - and they have in common a simple desire to understand and love others. Church members in Malaysia. Atheists in China and Brazil. Jewish ministers in the Midwest, Canada, and Great Britain. Gay men and women from the US. And readers from all over the globe. The emails changed again, adding those asking about helping family members - brothers, sons, fathers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends.

Thanks for being here. For opening your hearts and learning to understand what it's like to live life as a (gay) Mormon guy... and especially for sharing your own trials and successes with me. There's nothing better than watching people fall in love with principles of the gospel... and (Gay) Mormon Guy has given me that opportunity.

...A lot has happened in the past few months. A lot has changed. And only God knows what tomorrow will bring.

Watching People Fall in Love

Of all the blessings I have ever experienced, the most memorable and compelling is being able to watch others fall in love. I'm not talking about falling in love with a person; I'm talking about falling in love with God and His teachings. It's one thing to see someone gain a love for history, or fall in love with sci-fi novels. It's another thing to watch their eyes light up when someone walks into the room. But there is nothing like the sublime ability to see their eyes light up from the inside... To see them fall in love with life itself... To find meaning in their trials and hope in their suffering.

The only thing better, for me, is to know that, in some small way, I played a part.

It makes everything worth it.

Projects

So I've been working on putting together a really cool update for (Gay) Mormon Guy... but I haven't finished it yet. It's about as epic as the Post Index was and I'm hoping to be finished with it by General Conference, which is only 9 days away. There are a lot of other things happening in life, though... so hopefully the Lord will help me finish each of my projects. Stay tuned!

On the personal side, these last few days have been incredibly positive. I got a bunch of personal emails from people here on GMG explaining how they had found greater faith and courage to live the gospel in the face of their trials. I still get plenty of anti-fan mail and then lots of questions... so when I get an email telling about success stories - even when it's just the beginnings of success - it makes it easier to be grateful for what I have, and reminds me to smile, give thanks, and be happy.

A Drop in the Ocean

As I go down the street each day, I watch the people around me... and I wonder about their lives. What is their relationship with God like? What struggles do they face? How do they find symbolism in their lives and come closer to Christ? And, who teaches them? Who will bless them and change their lives - help them find the strength they need to be saved? There are thousands, millions of people who are searching for faith... and I feel as if I am standing in the midst of a churning, starving multitude, with a handful of bread and some fish... wondering how I could ever feed anyone but myself and maybe a few people on either side.

On my mission I felt the same way. I would watch people go by and wonder about them and their lives... wonder how I could ever make an impact on their families and help them understand the principles of salvation in only two years. So I just went to work.

In the time since, I've realized the true symbolism in the miracle of Christ feeding the 5000. There was a boy with five loaves and two fishes... and Christ took them, gave thanks, blessed them, and gave unto the multitude... and twelve baskets of fragments were taken up after everyone was filled. More often than not, I am the little boy - having brought my meager portion to listen to the Lord... and scared and confused when the Lord asks me to give Him what I have. I'm no one special. My experiences are my own... and often I wonder if they would really help anyone... or if they're worth reading in the first place.

But there are people out there, and so it's worth it... and God takes my loaves and fishes and sends them where He will. From the mother who is concerned about her daughter, to the father who is concerned about his son, to the brother who is trying to come back to faith or the sister at his side. From the niece praying for her uncle or the fathers and mothers wanting to repent and become better spouses and parents to their children... to the 14-year-old boy, wondering how to go on with life, who would normally never even think of googling a search term like "gay Mormon guy." And somehow, something touches their hearts and turns them to Christ, who fills them with His love.

There is still so much work to do... but I'm not alone. There are others who have come with their own loaves and fishes... and with each new miracle, others arrive. And Christ Himself is ever waiting to strengthen & feed all those who come unto Him.