Someone Who Understands

Some days I find myself wishing for someone who can understand me and everything I'm going through. Someone who has been where I am, made it through somehow, and can look at my life and give me the knowledge I need to survive.

I'm not talking just about same-sex attraction. Even though it's a part of the things I face, it's the least of my worries right now. Life itself, and all its pieces, just seems to have loomed up and threatened to swallow me whole... and I have no idea which direction to run for cover.

I think that for me, that was one of the hardest things when I initially realized I was attracted to guys. I had no role models, knew no one who had walked in my shoes... could find no one I to ask for advice on how to live the gospel while facing my own personal brand of life... and the result was that I felt utterly and completely alone. It probably didn't help that I didn't feel I could even tell anyone about the issues I faced, so no one knew, and they couldn't help even if they had the resources.

I've never found anyone who truly understands me... or anyone who seems able to understand even most of what's happening. Counselors and therapists listen kindly, then express a mixture of pity, shock, and concern when they realize what's actually happening in my mind (much of which I don't/can't share here). Priesthood leaders tell me that they're sure I can do it. Even family members look at me with blank expressions when I try to explain myself.

But I've realized two things. First, the Lord honestly and truly understands what I'm facing - all of it - and is able to be there for me every step of the way. Second, I don't need one person who understands everything about my life (I'm not sure I'll ever find one)... I just need different people who understand different pieces and can help me get through those areas of life. People who understand my concerns about work, others about dreams, others about long-term professional plans, others about dating and ssa, others about Church service, others about depression and illness... and as I find people who understand me and can help me in each of those facets, life as a whole gets better. It's not even that I ask them for advice. I'm awful at that. Just knowing that someone understands, and has been there, and has seen success, inspires me to make that story apply to me.

I guess that's one reason why I started (Gay) Mormon Guy. If I had known that there were thousands... or even one faithful member who had fought the same battle, and was winning, that would have been enough to give me hope to move forward. As it was, without a support group or anyone who knew, I'm grateful that somehow I made it this far. I was supported by God and His angels. That's proof enough for me that God is involved in my life. It makes me think of Elisha standing on the mountaintop, preparing to go to battle alone with his servant.

And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire (2 Kings 6:15-17).

The Lord really does care about me. I've felt His hand in my life so many times when I wasn't worthy or deserving of it... and it has been enough to help me become a better man.

I'll extend the offer I've made before. I'm not by any means a perfect friend. I don't have most of the answers and can only speak from my own experience. But if you need someone who understands, contact me (my gmail address is afriendtotalk2 ). I'll listen and do what I can.

Things That Help Me With Life: Prayer

I'll be honest. Sometimes I think my life is awful. But even in the hardest, most stressful moments of life, there is always meaning, hope, and light... gifts from God to help me be happy when happiness seems impossible. There is always hope, and there is always happiness available for those who seek it. This is the first post on some of the things that help me with life and help me be happy.

Prayer

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive (Matthew 21:22).

Having a relationship with God has been the most important thing that has helped me with life. And He helps me in every way. No matter what problems I face in life, I can pray to God, ask Him questions, and get answers to my prayers. I can tell Him my failures, and He will never love me less. I can talk about my trials, and He will do everything in His power to help me. And in my darkest hours, I can turn to Him and simply ask if He is there... and He always answers. Sometimes it's through another person, or in a feeling of peace, or in a beautiful sunset, or words spoken directly to my heart and mind... but it always comes eventually, as long as I ask in faith... and the knowledge that He cares and is involved in my life is enough to help me be happy no matter what I face.

The basics of prayer are the same for everyone, but each of us is different... and so is our relationship with God. So I thought I'd share a little about how to pray... at least, how I pray.

How to Pray:

Learning how to pray comes from understanding Who I am addressing. Just as I speak to a professional colleague differently than a neighbor, I pray to God differently than I speak to anyone else. Who is He? He's my Father... He loves me more than I could ever imagine... Will always listen, no matter what I've done wrong... And He wants nothing more than to help me with life and help me be happy.

Most of my prayers are part of everyday life. I see something beautiful and call upon God silently, thanking Him for the blessing I've seen. I see someone in need, and after I've done all I can, I silently ask Him to grant blessings I can't give myself. I find myself up against a challenge, and look to Heaven, asking for help to succeed. I hit all the stoplights green and give thanks that I wasn't late to my meeting. And then, each morning and night... and many times between, I close my eyes and simply talk with Him. I share what happened that day, the frustrations I've felt, the successes I've seen and ask for blessings on the people I've met. I ask Him to help me be happy - to help me with life and all of its trials. The Primary song that teaches children how to pray gives a decent outline:

"I begin by saying, 'Dear Heavenly Father,' then thank Him for blessings He sends. Then humbly I ask Him for things that I need, 'In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.'"

But I think that prayer is a lot more than just following the pattern... It comes with practice. I know it did for me. For me, prayer isn't a telephone call to Heaven. It's part of an always-on communication... where I'm checking in with God constantly... far more often than I check Facebook or my email account. Sometimes I actually voice my prayers, but throughout the day I feel like it's a continual conversation - a back and forth on what is happening (and what I should be doing) in life. And, in return for praying, the Lord gives me hope, happiness, and peace each day.

Christ is Risen.

As a beginning side note, I just made a major edit to my last blog post. If you haven't read it, you may want to.

Today is Easter - the celebration of the Resurrection of Christ. I don't have a lot to say that could really due justice to the Savior of the World. In my darkest hours, He's always been there for me. In the happiest moments, He was the One who made it happen - the source of my talents, my gifts, my fulfilled hopes and dreams, the smile on my face and the impact I've made on the world. He is in the callouses on my hands, written in the memory of mind, and carved into my heart, beside me each day through work, learning, and heartache. He is the morning sun and the light of the stars in the sky, the beacon that points the way home and the compass that directs me to the right path. He is my Friend, my Confidante, and the only One who truly understands me when I turn to Him. He's my Brother... and I can hear Him as He teaches me through life. He's the One who inspires me to change the world, the One who gives me the tools to make it happen, and the One who cheers when it does. He stands as a Judge when I falter, and a Friend to help me change. Everything good in life comes from Him. He is the Leader of my Church, the One who gives meaning to my faith. He hears and answers my prayers, and opens the doors I can't open. He is everything to me, and I know He lives.

Even though it be a cross that raiseth me

I was just playing the piano and listening to the words of hymns in my mind, and the last one I played was "Nearer, My God, to Thee." For a long time I've known that all of the things the Lord gave me - same-sex attraction included - were gifts to help me somehow return to Him. But the music of this hymn, seems to break through the simple words I've used before and speak volumes to my heart.

Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be nearer my, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I'd be nearer, my God to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

There let the way appear, steps unto heav'n;
All that Thou sendest me, in mercy giv'n;
Angels to beckon me nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Then with my waking thoughts bright with Thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
So by my woes to be nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

The Lord knows my heart, and He knows me as His son. He loves me, and because He does, He gives me everything I need to be happy and to come closer - nearer - to Him. The cross that lifts me is my own. I have been given trials and tribulations - steps unto Heaven, given by God through His mercy and love - intended specifically for me... and with the one express purpose of lifting me from the mundane world of mortality and raising me up to happiness, joy, love, and eternal life. With that in mind, I can look at my life, my circumstances, and who I am inside... and turn to follow God and become nearer to Him. And as I do, everything will work out.

Or if on bended wing, cleaving the sky,
Sun, moon, and stars forgot, upwards I fly,
Still all my songs shall be nearer, my God, to Thee.
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Christmas Traditions

It's always been a tradition in my family to watch the Nativity - and in the years since I left home, I've continued to keep it. This year, the Church has created amazing videos that are available online - at Mormon Channel - Bible Videos

The videos have only scripted text that comes from the Bible - no extra added words... just an opportunity to listen to the Spirit. They're longer than the short nativity video I remember as a kid, but this Christmas, especially with Christmas on Sunday, I'd suggest taking the time to watch them and remember the purpose behind this season and time of the year. And as you watch, listen to the Spirit... and determine what you can give Christ this Christmas.

If You Could See Inside My Mind

... You'd probably find a couple of seemingly contradictory layers.

On the outside is the assertive, optimistic, passionate, and successful person that is "me" in social situations, that shows through on a first date, and the way that others see me when they watch me from a distance. It's a construct - but not a facade - that displays who I am and how I want others to experience me... and more than that, it's the interface by which I've found I can influence the world for good. I change my outer shell whenever I need to - not drastically, but to better meet and understand the needs of the people with whom I work on a day-to-day basis. Here I'm a friend and teacher - someone that can make a difference.

A little deeper is the honest, raw, rational reality of my life - the endless list that describes my (or anyone else's in the world) life and experience from a purely objective standpoint. This comes out among friends, or even in casual conversation beyond the first few minutes... and is where I spend much of my time here at GMG. You'd see my reactions and reflections in the moment, feel the pain I feel, when I feel it, and rejoice when I find meaning in life, or things just seem to work out. This world is uniquely fatalistic - not because I believe I'm fated to experience life as I am, but because, if it never works out, learning to be content with what the Lord has given me is the only way to survive. Here I'm just another person - tossed back and forth and the sum of what happens to me... and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever amount to anything.

Another level deeper and you find faith - pure and simple - and the reality that is my life in emotions and in my heart. It's the meaning I find when I've been suffering from intense depression, the joy at helping someone find peace and joy in life, and the commitments I've made to myself, to God, and to others. It's the sum of my beliefs, all held up like a pretty, perfect picture... and sometimes I stand here in GMG. This is the level and layer where I think of myself as the hero in a story about changing the world.

And the last layer is the real me. Beyond the outer shell, the things that happen to me, and the morals that I claim to espouse, who am I, really? What choices do I make in the dark of night when no one is watching? How do I honestly feel about others, and what are my motives in everything I do? Here, I'm just another person. Another son of God, another man trying to make it through life into eternity... and here, finally, I am in control of not only my choices, but my happiness. If I choose the right, and know that I am following God, life becomes far simpler than the other layers make it out to be. Do what is right, and let the consequence follow... and God will take care of me.

I am a child of God. I live here, in life, with a thousand different outside influences on my mind each day. I have moral and ethical concerns and concepts that the Lord teaches me, line upon line. And, at my core, I am who I choose to be. And, at least today, I can cut through the layers of the outside and see myself for who I am. A son of God, trying to move forward, honestly doing what I can to not betray the spark of divinity that ties me to Him. And when I see that, everything makes sense... my life is perfectly fair... I am filled with hope and peace... and I am honestly and truly amazing.

The Tenth Leper

Luke 17
12 And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:
13 And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.
14 And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.
15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,
16 And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.
17 And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?
18 There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.
19 And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.

What does it mean to be "made whole," and how is it different from being cleansed? Is it just the spiritual equivalent of being cleansed? It required considerable faith for the ten lepers to be healed of leprosy... does that mean that being made whole requires even greater faith? And how does this apply to my life?

If Christ came to me today, and offered to take away all of my physical trials, I'd be like one of the ten lepers - calling to Him from afar off and asking for His intervention on my behalf. If He healed me, I'm sure I'd be grateful, as the other 9 lepers most definitely were. What made the tenth leper so different? Was it just that He returned to give thanks? Is gratitude such a big part of repentance that our becoming whole is contingent on our ability to give thanks and give the glory to God? And if the true meaning of the parable is the importance of being whole - not simply cleansed - what does that mean to me?

Those are the questions going through my mind as I read this account. I think Christ was trying to illustrate the importance of striving to become whole - spiritually whole - instead of simply asking for relief from the difficulties of life... focusing on the spiritual aspects of imperfection in mortality. And I think that here He shares an interesting message - how key gratitude is in being saved. Being "whole" is often similar in root to being "perfect" - complete, unspotted, righteous in every way. The woman with an issue of blood was declared whole after she put her faith in Christ, as was the tenth leper, and the man who received his sight. All of them did something more than just have the faith to receive physical miracles in their behalf; they had the faith to receive unseen spiritual miracles that far surpassed what could be seen on the surface.

I think that's the miracle that I should always be praying for - not to be freed from trials or tribulations, but the miracle of being able to live and keep the commandments in any situation. Being willing to date, and learning to enjoy it, even though I'm not attracted to women. Coping with attraction to guys and finding ways to ensure the positive side of interactions with them. And being willing to live life and keep moving forward no matter what happens - even if I spend the rest of life alone - and learning to be happy in those circumstances.

I used to think that happiness came as a byproduct of completing a given set of to-do's, among which were finding an eternal companion, having a family, etc... Now I realize that happiness isn't something that comes at the end of mortality or even after I have weathered my trials. It is available today, and tomorrow, and the next day. And I don't have to downgrade my morals to find it. It's available through God.

I obviously can't really talk about what went through their minds without it being conjecture, but I think that's what made the tenth leper different. I think that, if he hadn't been healed, he would have continued to believe in Christ and praise God - and maybe that is what made the difference. He had already found happiness in doing what was right within his ability, and the outward miracle of healing was just that - an outward manifestation to match a greater inward change... and Christ's miracle was an opportunity to invite me, and all those present, to exercise the same faith to be made whole.

When Faith Endures

A friend asked me how my dating life is going. That question always leaves me smiling - if only because it usually means the asker hasn't been on a date in two weeks and wants advice. Inside, it leaves me smiling because, while my dating life definitely isn't going anywhere soon, it gives the Lord a chance to remind me that someday, I'll be the person I need to be, and somehow find and fall in love with a girl. And, in the meantime, dating serves as an opportunity to make friends and do missionary work, send girls on missions, help them identify traits to look for in husbands...

Sometimes dating, or even survival, seems like it's far too hard to deal with in life. But then I realize that, while my life may be hard, I have the gospel. I have God at my side. I have the power of the priesthood and temple ordinances and family and prophets and scriptures and Primary songs that play in my head at night. I have generations of ancestors who prayed for blessings for their posterity, from Abraham down through today... and, most of all, I have the promise that, if I just keep moving forward, I will make it. It will be enough. I will find true love and happiness and fulfil the plan that God created for me. And all I have to do, today, is live today. And then, when tomorrow comes, I'll turn to God and ask for strength to live tomorrow.

I think that is what the Lord was trying to teach the Israelites when He sent manna in the desert. If I look at the desert of life, standing before me, and try to imagine living endless eternity with the strength I currently have (alone, without many friends, and living with same-sex attraction) it will only lead to fear and depression and a sick feeling in my stomach... But if I look at just today, I have enough strength to live and grow and thrive. And I can have the faith to believe that He will be there for me tomorrow. When the Israelites looked at the desert sands, their fear of the future overwhelmed their faith. They didn't believe that God would do another miracle... and that lack of faith left only crawling worms and a sick feeling in their stomachs.

The strength the Lord gives me today, is for today. I can use it all and it will be enough. And then the true choice, a choice that I and everyone make each and every day, is whether I will have the faith through the night and into the storm that He will be there again at my side... that He has never left me at all... to send peace and hope and strength from Heaven in the moment that I need it.

Tis a Gift to be Simple

Last night I had a conversation with a guy that made me think a lot about who I am and why I'm here in life. He and I have a lot in common, and the circumstances under which we met were incredibly serendipitous. In talking with him, I was hoping to see a mirror of myself, a pattern to learn from, a form of good and bad and better choices to apply in my life. I wanted answers to some of the questions I've had in life - an understanding of how he's learned to cope with the problems that I face. But, while I could see myself reflected in a few of the things he said, as the conversation progressed, I realized that our problems and trials have far less to do with each other than I had ever expected... and there would be no easy answer by the time we said goodbye.

In the hours since, I've wondered about who I am, what exactly I'm supposed to be doing here, and the destiny that I have waiting on the horizon. I've always had the feeling that life was going to get much, much harder for me in the future... from when I was little... and the feeling persists even today. This is only the tip of the iceberg. And so I wonder exactly what the Lord has in mind for me. My patriarchal blessing talks about sharing the gospel, and about being a father, healer, missionary, teacher, counselor, and leader. It doesn't talk about living with same-gender attraction, or fighting depression, or navigating the paths of learning to be a friend. It doesn't talk about abuse, or fear, or how to develop lasting friendships by becoming more vulnerable in relationships when I already wear my heart on my sleeve and put everything in my life on the table.

And it makes me wonder how some of the people in the scriptures felt during points of their lives. Don't misinterpret me. I'm not a prophet or an apostle or even anyone with authority in the Church. But I wonder how Moroni felt when he was alone, running from the Lamanites... how Paul felt on his missionary journeys, how John the Beloved feels as he serves among people who never truly become his friends. And how Christ felt when He alone understood what it was that He was called to do.

It makes me wonder if this is just part of my gift - if I was just supposed to learn sublime principles from feeling alone, or if it's supposed to inspire me to action, both of which have happened many times. If I had tons of friends, I would never have started this blog. I probably wouldn't have cared as much about people suffering in the world. I wouldn't have the time to respond to personal emails, text, chat, and meet people to help us come closer to Christ... But because I've been able to watch people change, it has been worth it. It will always be worth it.

I don't know what the future holds... whether someone will feel the call to be my friend, or I'll develop the abilities that elude me, or I'll go through life as a missionary - making intense, short-term connections with people all over the world. Thankfully, if I do my best, the Lord will take care of me - in the short and long term. He cares about me and is involved in my life. And that makes life a whole lot more simple.

Being Rescued

Every time I hear the story of the Martin and Willie handcart companies, I see in my mind's eye the people shivering in the cold, wanting to survive, having given everything they have, hoping against all odds that they can finally arrive in Zion. They've watched their brothers and sisters and friends die along the trail, and they've finally reached the point where they have no more strength, no more hope, nothing left to give.

And I'm there with them.

I've been there, in the place between spiritual life and death, watching as people fall around me, and wondering if I'll have the strength to live another day, or if I'll just give up. I've been the person who prayed for God's strength and felt it pushing me on one more day... not transporting me to Zion, but helping me move to the next day or even the next hour. And I, somehow, was rescued by the hand of God from the storm. But once you've felt the suffering, you can never forget it. It's different from anything else in the world, in a way... And I don't think that anyone who hasn't been called to pass through this way of life could ever understand the feelings and lessons learned from it.

Today, there isn't a physical storm raging in life. There is no snow or blizzard or darkening clouds. But, among my friends and neighbors, there are hundreds, thousands of men and women who are holding on to life in the gospel. Men and women who have given everything they have, who wonder if help will ever come, who turn to God and simply cry for relief of their pain and the strength to live one more day. And, as a saint, I have a responsibility to look, to search, and to never stop looking until I find them and bring them safely home. President Brigham Young told the Saints when he heard about the handcart companies struggling 300 miles away that their salvation rested upon their application of the Gospel in the realities of life - whether or not they were willing to give their lives in the service of their brethren, immediately... and I believe the same applies today. My brothers and sisters are searching, hoping to find hope and peace and faith, and the proof of my faith will come as I show my love for them... and my willingness to sacrifice on their behalf. I was rescued once, twice, countless times by the hand of God... now it's my turn to be His hand and help others along the way.

Eternal Life

Trials are black lines on white canvas. They find meaning only when filled with colors and light. And when they have filled their purpose, they disappear, forever hidden beneath the life they helped create.

I sat gazing at the temple a few days ago... just looking up into the dark September sky, my heart full and my mind at ease. Some of you may have noticed that I changed the heading on (Gay) Mormon Guy... because, at least right now in my life, being attracted to guys doesn't make my life extra rough anymore. Most days, it doesn't cross my mind... and when it does, in the form of a guy (or a girl with whom I can't seem to connect), life goes on as planned. Planned partly by me, and mostly by Him. I don't feel the loneliness that I used to. God Himself, and Christ, are with me. They fill my needs, and I can turn to Them more readily than a Siamese twin... because They know my thoughts, my heart, my hopes, my dreams... and He has felt and experienced it all.

Tonight, I'm eternally grateful for a God who loved me enough to outline my life with dark, black lines - lines that seemingly had no meaning - and then to give me the tools to color in the blessings of eternity. All the pain, the anguish, the suffering, the sorrow, the guilt, the work, the stress, the heartache... it's really worth it, and happiness will come - not just in eternity, but in this life. I wish everyone could have that experience... and feel the way I feel tonight.

Meaning in Patience

Across the US, rain has drenched cities, causing massive flooding filling reservoirs beyond capacity. The cool, wet weather and late frosts prolonged spring into early June, and for a while the only things blooming were small, scraggly, but definitely green. Then, in a burst of prolonged sunlight, summer came... and with it a very unique set of circumstances.

Usually, spring gardens bloom in sequence. Crocuses, forget-me-nots, early daffodils and miniature tulips, larger tulips and apple blossoms, lilacs and day lilies and massive bearded irises. But this year, it didn't happen that way. The long, cloudy weather meant that, for months at a time, none were blooming... and then, all at an instant, everything bloomed at once. Irises in the same bed as crocuses, tulips, and daffodils - something I've never seen before. Roses backed by those same flowers, instead of being flocked by the green after-blooms of foliage. And when the day lilies finally bloom, with their blooming season they'll probably bloom until November.

I think that if I compare myself to a garden plot, it's pretty telling in my life. For most of my life, I would have given anything to be "normal" - to fit in to any group of people. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy I only share a facet of my life; you can be sure that I'm probably the strangest person you've never met. I looked around and saw flowers blooming in everyone else's lives... everything going right, with no apparent difficulties on their parts. And my garden? Um. It's definitely green. I have a strong testimony and a faithful conviction of the truth. But the flowers and fruit that are in other gardens are conspicuously absent, and I'd really rather not be like the fig tree that Christ cursed when Summer was nigh.

Today, looking at gardens, I'm again realizing that the Lord always has a purpose in His designs. This year, a late spring and heavy rains left gardens bare of flowers and fruit... but only a few months later, those same conditions made summer gorgeous. I think the same thing is happening in my life. Maybe right now all my dreams are on hold. I don't have a wife, kids, and the love that I watch blossom around me. Those who don't know in my life are probably wondering what is taking so long. But someday it will happen. The flowers will bloom, summer will come, and all my dreams will come true. It won't be today, but I know that it will happen. The Lord has promised that every blessing will be given to the faithful in His own due time. And in the meantime I'm enjoying the rain.

When No One Understands... Or Cares

Living with same-sex attraction has been a lifelong series of ups and downs... and the time I spend down is pretty awful. Right now, my life is in order and I feel like I am on top of the world. But tomorrow, or the next day, it could very well start to spiral downward into an inevitable crumble into pieces... with or without my permission or any action on my part.

I have clinical depression that is unrelated to being attracted to guys or the rigor or stress of societal structures... which only adds to the conflict. When I write while I'm depressed, my writing is... somewhat depressing. So I thought I'd reflect on my feelings and then what gets me up and out while I'm currently not in the hole.

Sometimes I feel totally and completely worthless. Like no one could ever love me, even if they wanted to... and that if anyone knew about my struggles and the real me, they would reject me in an instant. I feel like everyone around me spends time with me just because they have to. People read this blog because they have nothing better to do. And even my family would disown or at least ignore me if it were allowed by Church standards.

In those moments, I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't want to do anything. And my mind wanders and offers me alternatives that could ease my pain - choices of addictions that could easily numb and soothe into an amnesia to cover my tears. If I give in, then I feel even worse. And even if I don't give in, finding the strength to pray for help and live my own life the way I want to, the pain is still there. It really doesn't make sense to ever give in... and thankfully I've developed habits that have kept me safe.

For me, peace only comes through the Spirit - from God. I can exercise until I'm exhausted, give service until I'm broke, organize activities and do missionary work... but ultimately the healing comes from God - not from any individual thing that I do.

I felt that way not that long ago. I had run out of coping strategies and finally found myself, at the end of the day, at the temple... asking the Lord to give me peace in the midst of the chaos. I asked, and asked, and asked, and asked... and then, as I was listening, He suggested that I pray for others - that I focus my thoughts on them. I did... and spent the next half hour praying for people, by name, asking for specific blessings on their behalf. By the time I left the Celestial Room, and had finished writing names on the prayer roll, my face was streaked with tears. And as I walked outside, I realized that a burden had been lifted from my heart. Somewhere, between my fervent pleas and the exit door, the Lord had given me the peace I needed... as I had focused on others, and sought the Lord in their behalf.

That's the one thing that always gives me hope and lifts me from the depths - finding some way to lift another. Seeing a need, and being able to fill it. Being a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a teacher, a friend. Somehow, my own problems disappear when I pray for others and reflect on their pain.

And then the days go on and the world is beautiful. Depression can be beaten, over time, and with help, on a continuum. And even if it doesn't go away or respond to clinical efforts, I can still live and breathe and find peace and joy in life - which is the same as living with attraction to guys... and all the emotional baggage that accompanies it. Peace, joy, happiness, love, hope, faith, salvation - it's all available to me. Yeah, it'll take a lifetime of hard work. Yes, it may not happen as I want or in my timeframe. But the sun always comes out, one day after another. The clouds always clear from my sorrows. There is hope shining brightly before me, and I know that deliverance is nigh... because God is with me, at my side, through it all - even when it feels like no one understands... or cares.

My Vision for (Gay) Mormon Guy

I visited a site once that had a crazy strict comment policy. Essentially, anything that didn't require intense thought to write wasn't publishable, and was rejected before it even went up. There was a minimum word count. The comments that made it through the automated approval policy were subject to public review on a 1-7 scale... and if a comment got too many low ratings, it disappeared entirely. Post too many low-rated comments, and a subscriber lost his ability to comment at all.

I'm not planning to implement a comment policy like that. The programming involved would be way more than it would be worth, and sometimes I want to leave short, meaningful comments on other sites - just because I want to thank the author. And the word count requirement in the super-strict comment forum meant that people added extra adverbs and adjectives to their posts just to pass the filter requirement.

But I've been wondering about comments recently here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... and I want to try something to see if it makes a difference.

I've thought a lot about not posting simple "thank you" comments. I almost decided today to stop posting any comments that didn't include a question or story for a week. But it's not really my goal to discourage people from expressing gratitude, or any other good feeling, when they can't think of a worthwhile question or experience. It would be like the word minimum that made people add superfluous words to their comments.

So I guess I'll settle for the next best (or maybe better) thing. Sharing the vision.

I invite comments here because I want to create an environment where people can discuss and share their own success stories of faith in their lives. I moderate comments so that people feel safe from attacks... from either side. I'm conservative on what I put here - and sometimes that means that I leave out posts from overzealous members of the Church, gay reparative therapy advocates, gay activists, anti-Mormon preachers, and a host of others. The Huffington Post has vitriolic discussions on gay activism. Exodus and NARTH have forums where you can push and be pushed your flavor of therapy. 

(Gay) Mormon Guy is different. At least, I'm trying to make it different. As much as I can, I'm trying to make it into the blog that I wish I could have read when I was 14, 15, 16... something different from what's available everywhere else... to bring me hope and help me realize that true success - combining incredible happiness, complete obedience to gospel principles, faith, and honesty, no matter what trials I face - really is possible. And not just someday when I die - now... in the midst of life and its everyday chaos.

I'm not an expert on anyone's life but my own. While the principles of the gospel are universal, the journey to success is different for a lot of people. Some come out to the world and then come back. Some find peace in their youth. For some it takes longer. Some search for years. Some people turn to therapists. Some turn to friends. Some people turn to family or anonymous strangers. I have a lot of other problems in my life that I'll never address here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... but the reality of the story is that, for me, moving toward success has been a journey that has taken most of my life... with just me and God as the passengers. (Gay) Mormon Guy is my story. And hopefully something here inspires you to turn to God, follow Him, and write your own.

Glorying in the Lord

When I started writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, I made the commitment to be honest. To lay all the cards on the table and play them like I see them, from my perspective. My hope was to be completely transparent... and in some way open up my experiences, thoughts, motivations, and feelings so that others could develop their own ideas and commitments in their own lives. That's why I write here - the hope that people will be able to find hope, peace, and faith somehow.

Sometimes, though, laying all the cards on the table has negative effects. For some reason... It's only okay to talk about my experiences as long as they prove my ultimate mediocrity. As a blogger, I could talk about a struggle preparing for and taking the LSAT, but mentioning that I got a perfect score, in all but the narrowest of contexts, could be easily misconstrued as arrogance.

It's a part of culture that, from my perspective, encourages me to truly embrace mediocrity as the social norm, instead of focusing on the reality of the good inside me. And, honestly, I don't understand it. I'm a candid person, in life and here, and if people take offense with my communication, then I guess I expect them to identify it so I can explain context. 

The first time it happened here, came with a vitriolic response to a memories about my mission; I had a great mission and was incredibly blessed while serving, and the reader took affront to that assertion. The only reason I had included that info was because someone had asked... and when I realized he was affronted, I tried to explain. Another reader felt it was arrogant to ask people to post their success stories - because of how I had written the invitation. Another more recent difficulty took the form of trying to share the mass of personal communications I get via email, without having to read hundreds of pages. Comments about how principles of the gospel have helped people change speak for themselves, but mixing them into a cohesive set creates difficulty. A good example is the transcript of how I felt I'd try to talk with my parents. I'll be honest. I have been amazed at the comments and letters I've received over the last year. The stories vary with each person - a wife who woke up in the middle of the night, somehow found (Gay) Mormon Guy, and then an hour later, her husband told her that he was attracted to men. A husband who was ready to file for divorce and again, somehow found (Gay) Mormon Guy and decided to talk with his bishop, find a therapist, and says he is happier than ever. Teenagers who had already planned their suicide and found (Gay) Mormon Guy... and found hope in the fact that someone else had been in their place and made it.

Do people change? Yes! Are there miracles? Yes! The gospel is an amazing thing - it changes lives and saves souls. And together I raise my voice with Ammon as he gloried in the Lord in Alma 26 -

11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.
13 Behold, how many thousands of our brethren has he loosed from the pains of hell; and they are brought to sing redeeming love, and this because of the power of his word which is in us, therefore have we not great reason to rejoice?
14 Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed our brethren from the chains of hell.
15 Yea, they were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting light, yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been instruments in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work.
16 Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.
17 Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?
...

35 Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
36 Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.
37 Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.

The Lord has not forgotten me. And He has not forgotten His children who, like me, have felt to be wanderers, outcasts, sinners, and forsaken. He is the God of the Universe, and will grant me my desires according to my faith and His will... and If I am faithful, someday He will save me, and I can help in my own way to make a difference. And, for that, I will give thanks unto my God forever.

It's Really Not *That* Hard

Not to discount some of the hardest trials I have ever faced in my life, but being a faithful member of the Church while also being attracted to guys really isn't impossible. Nor is it as hard or mentally trying, faith-deprecating or paradoxical as many people think it is. For most of the day, each day, it doesn't affect me. Yes, I am a male in an extremely overstimulated, oversexed society. There are times when it is incredibly hard. But even when people are trying to set me up, others unknowingly say or do something callous, I wonder when I'll ever have a family, and I'm way too attracted to the guys around me, it all subsides eventually. The sun comes out, the feelings temper, and faith, in the end, wins every battle. Even with the issue of looking toward the future - and potentially consecrating it to God instead of following my hormones - isn't all that hard today. If I'm living each day in the present, leaving the future in the Lord's hands, I have no qualms about keeping the commandments today and knowing that He will take care of tomorrow.

I'll agree that, at the same time, it does take work - it takes time, determination, persistence, and faith, but that's the same with everything in life... my life included. I have other problems which are not of this blog, and them also I must solve. I don't think that I or anyone can survive in today's world without gripping tightly to the iron rod - whether our lives look perfect from the outside, or are entrenched in chaos within.

I get a lot of emails and comments here at (Gay) Mormon Guy from guys who express the feeling that it's too hard to live a faithful life with this trial. That their faith and righteousness, keeping the commandments, and staying true to the things that they have learned from God... is impossible without somehow changing their sexual orientation. They think that if they were attracted to women, living a righteous life would be possible, whereas in their minds being attracted to guys makes it an impossibility.

I believed that once - but in my case it was because I believed, erroneously, that being attracted to guys was a curse... and since it says very clearly in the scriptures that all those who are cursed brought the cursing upon themselves, then I had somehow brought it upon myself... and its continued existence was proof of my uncleanliness before God.

I now realize the deception in that belief, and its equally deceptive counterpart on the other side of the truth. On one side, I am cursed, and will not be acceptable in the eyes of God until I change everything... which is sort of impossible. On the other side, I have no need to change, and God will accept me without asking me to change who I am. One is predestination to hell, the other is predestination to heaven. Both are completely and totally false.

The reality is that I came to this world and still had a lot to learn before I could return to God. Like happened to Adam and Eve, my life became a probationary period to change (repent) and become like Christ... and the world, and my circumstances, were cursed for my sake. Cursed for my sake. Cursed so that I could learn and grow and change to become like Christ. I was not cursed. Mortality was cursed, so that I could one day be saved.

God has the power to change anything He wills. He could change my heart, heal my wounds, and take away my trials. He could calm the tensions of the world, feed the starving children, solve the crises of nations and my own personal soul. But He doesn't. And why? Because it is for my sake. He created a fallen world so that I could grow and learn, then gave me the tools to affront every difficulty, counter every attack, and resist every trial that came my way. "There hath no temptation taken [me...] but such as is common to man... but God is faithful, and will not suffer [me] to be tempted above that which [I] am able."

God created this life to be hard. Someday, I'll even die from life being so imperfect. But living the gospel, following the promptings of the Spirit, keeping the commandments, and turning to God, have always and will always be possible and within my reach, no matter what imperfections life throws my way. Life is hard, but it's really not that hard... since the deck is stacked in our favor. The Atonement really is infinite - there is no clause that makes exception for or excludes anyone from the dual gifts of justice and mercy. Which means that God is on our side. And with Him, when we follow His commandments, all things are possible.

I Told Them

I Told Them.

When the Lord told me to start writing this blog, He also gave me the injunction to never tell anyone in my life about it or about being attracted to guys. I definitely never intended to tell anyone about it in the first place.

Since then, there have been a handful of times that I've felt strongly impressed to share it with others. I never completely knew why at first, and I was scared to death... but as time went on each impression made more and more sense... and it became easier to follow the guidance of the Lord even when I had no idea why or what would come of it. Confiding in a priesthood leader who just happened to have a personal connection that tied me to other figures in the Church. Telling a friend who, for whatever reason, needed an especially difficult trial of faith. Telling others who live as I do, who needed help trying to keep the commandments and stay clean, no matter what the cost.

Now He told me to tell my parents.

So I told them.

It was a conversation with my mom and dad. After just talking for a little bit, I explained that I needed to discuss something important... even though they had already had what sounded like a stressful day... and then I followed the outline that was my last post.

I want to note here that I didn't "come out" to my family. I didn't "confide in them my sexuality" either. I just shared something that I face - an offshoot, albeit significant, from who I really am. I didn't tell them to ask for different treatment as a person. I didn't ask them to change their expectations or their hopes and dreams for me. I simply gave them a view into my soul - a glimpse of the trials I face, what I've done to learn from them, and the gratitude I feel toward God for loving me enough to allow me this trial in mortality.

They were mostly silent as I explained each facet, responding only when I asked questions to ensure they understood. When I finished, my mom's voice was subdued as she said, "Sounds like you've been carrying a heavy load for a long time..." They expressed their love for me and thanked me for trusting them enough to tell them. Then, after asking if they could read my blog (I answered in the affirmative...) they asked one question: "What can we do to help?"

I explained that I hadn't intended to ever tell them... but that the Lord had asked me to... and maybe it was because they could receive revelation on my behalf. There aren't many people in the world who can receive guidance from God for me, personally, in my life... and my parents are two of them - two people who know me well. So I asked them to be close to the Spirit and ask God for revelation on my behalf...

When my dad then made the remark, "Sounds like you need to hold girls' hands more," I hoped that he wasn't being serious. 

But he was. 

And then I realized that my parents, even though I had bared my soul to them, didn't understand the issue. They didn't understand the psychology behind it, therapies that definitely don't work and those that sometimes do, the social effects it creates... my dad didn't even realize that it meant a genuine lack of physical attraction for women.

But even if they had been clinical psychiatrists who had helped clients for decades, my parents would never be able to understand... because they have never experienced it.

But they don't need to. They just need to care, and be close enough to the Lord to know what to do in my behalf.

And so I explained what I meant by staying close to the Lord. "Before you suggest anything, take it to the Lord. Before you set me up with someone, take it to the Lord. Ask Him to be involved in the counsel you give me - you don't understand, and I don't expect you ever to really understand... but God does, and He can inspire you to do the right thing. And it might be something that won't seem to make sense. Most of my feelings, in your paradigm, don't make any sense. Which means that the solutions might not make any sense either. I have a feeling that they probably won't - at least not to you at first."

In the hours since, I don't think our relationship has changed much. They don't look at me strangely. And even though they don't understand, they care about me and want me to be eternally happy. Which makes my parents even more amazing in my eyes. They're totally different. And yet together they're awesome. And hopefully someday I can be like them... and have a relationship with my own children... and love them unconditionally and help them work through their own problems, whatever they may be.

Born This Way... Not Completely

I recently took the time to actually read the landmark psychological studies that claimed to have found substantial causative links from genetics and congenital (inborn) traits to homosexuality. And the results weren't exactly what I had expected.

I know just as much as the next person that I didn't choose to be attracted to men or not attracted to women. The only other option in my mind was being "born this way" - which meant that attraction would be deeply rooted in genes.

But the studies that have been published don't substantiate being born gay... on the contrary, they highlight inborn tendencies as only a part of a much larger picture that determines, over time, sexual attraction.

The first study I looked at was the twin study - conducted in 1991 by Bailey and Pillard and published in the Archives of General Psychology. Their study was titled "A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orientation" and recruited gay identical twins to enter the study with their siblings, determining the correlation between genes and homosexuality. If homosexuality is inborn and caused exclusively by genetics, then twins who share exact DNA will both be either homosexual or heterosexual.

The original study found a concordance rate of 52% - which meant that 52% of homosexual twins were both homosexual. The study was picked up by the media, but was heavily criticized by the scientific community for selection bias. Bailey did another, more rigorous study in 2000 using a better methodology that avoided bias, and found a concordance of about 20% (depending on your definition of homosexuality).

When a host of other psychological factors have higher concordance rates than 20%, it's pretty obvious from the study that homosexuality is not "inborn"... but 20% is still significant since it is higher than the average rate of homosexuality... which means that it is definitely influenced by genetic factors.

There were a few other studies that claimed to have found genetic links, but each had major scientific flaws and have since been refuted by studies which tried to replicate results. There was the the brain research by LeVay which claimed that certain areas of the brain were different in homosexual men, but the study was performed on men who had died primarily of AIDS, and didn't correct for potential issues in brain function caused by habit. Brain researchers have known that the brain alters significantly based on an individual's actions, and the part of the brain studied could have easily been altered by homosexual activity, instead of being a cause of homosexual attraction. Other studies have shown the differences in the brain that LeVay found to be insignificant, and LeVay never replicated his study. There was also the genetic study done by Hamer ("A Linkage between DNA markers on the x chromosome and male sexual orientation," Science 261, July 1993)... but the findings of the study were declared statistically insignificant by the inventor of the methodology used in the evaluation - which means that it could have been caused by sample size or a number of other issues... and that Hamer and his colleagues didn't completely understand the method they were using. As added proof, another much larger study on the exact same topic showed that there was no significant link between inheritance on the x-chromosome and homosexuality (Rice, et al - "Male Homosexuality: Absence of Linkage to Microsatellite Markers at XQ28," Science 284, 1999).

All in all, the studies I read, when taken in context with other research done to substantiate or refute them, came up with a very different picture than I originally thought. Maybe it's because I've known that I didn't choose this trial.... but I always thought it was something inborn. But the research is clear. Being attracted to guys isn't something that came 100% from my genetics. The studies on twins, brain chemistry, and genetic linking prove one thing: I wasn't born gay. No one was.

Yes, there are definitely factors that are caused by genetics. I was probably born with a huge number of predispositions and preferences that, with time, outside influences, cultural impressions, and every other factor, developed into an attraction for guys. And while the non-genetic factors may have been out of my control as much as the genetic ones... the realization that homosexuality isn't just determined by genetics, but is very strongly influenced by other factors (as established especially in the twin studies, where 80% of brothers of homosexual twins were not homosexual) gives me hope. Science has shown that even deeply rooted patterns in the brain can change, even in those whose brains have finished developing, with significant changes in environment. Men can learn new languages, or overcome alcoholism, or change professions and personality traits once thought to be immutable. And it obviously happens.

I don't know exactly what it will take - if it's something that science can find or if it's a miracle that will need the help of God... and even if it's possible, I don't know if it will happen. Science has known about a lot of things that don't always work. But it's there... and I think that gives me greater hope and faith than anything. Because if those twins were born with certain inborn tendencies, but somehow took a different path and became heterosexual, even when their identical twins became homosexual, then maybe, with God at my side, I can find that path, someday, too.

Premortal Character Creation

I had a conversation with someone the other day about the pros and cons of life and how they always even out for each person in the end. Everyone has different trials and blessings and circumstances and opportunities, but "all things work together for the good of them that love God and serve Him."

In another conversation someone mentioned that we don't choose our trials or temptations. "At least in this life..." was my response. And the mixture of the two brings an interesting view to mind.

I've definitely played my share of games - video, computer, card, board, imaginary, role-playing, you name it. One of the first steps in taking part in many games is "character creation" - the customization of a persona to represent me in the game. Some games, like Monopoly, give me a very small range of choices. I can be the dog or the shoe, and not the same as someone else. Card games, I choose who to sit by. Other games provide a framework to create a character in the game world that fits a certain role.

Probably the most famous example is Dungeons & Dragons. And that's the example that comes to mind.

Dungeons & Dragons is the stereotypical role-playing game - where players can do literally anything within the framework of the game because it's mediated by a third party who arbitrates the rules as time goes on. Players are usually in groups and can be doing anything in the game world from walking down a crowded city street to flying through space. It's essentially an imaginary game with rules that are enforced using probabilities and random dice rolls.

Creating a character for D&D is simple at a glance.  In one style, players have a number of "creation points" that can be used to purchase attributes. Exceptional charisma costs a few more points. So does higher intelligence or a royal background. But I can also "purchase" not-so-desirable characteristics - anything from being colorblind to allergic to human hair - and with each "purchase" of deficits, I'm actually credited more points to spend. The most expensive, desirable attributes actually cost far more than the initial allocation of points, which means that characters with those traits will indubitably have a host of trials to go along with them. But, in the end, everyone will spend all the points, and the game begins.

I just wondered how real lives were created and designed before this life... and the thought of sitting around a massive table, creating the persona that I would assume here, with costs for talents and credits for trials, made me laugh. I only played D&D a few times, and those few times I had way too much fun creating characters with dozens of outlandish traits. I could definitely see myself looking at life, reading the instruction manual that told about the potential benefits and drawbacks to individual characteristics in life, and choosing the blessings and trials I have today.

In reality, though, designing life is much simpler and less prone to error than choosing random propensities from a rulebook. God knows me. He knows who I am and knows the exact things I need to return to Him... and that is the sum total of my life. Everything I write about here at (Gay) Mormon Guy wasn't random, or caused by some mysterious outside interplay. If my needs weren't obvious to me before this life, they were to Him, and my life was created, with all of its awesome blessings and interesting trials, for me and my good... because God loves me and wants me to learn to be happy... to grow stronger and stronger in faith and return to Him someday.

Whether or not I chose my trials in life before I came here, God has the power to determine what will happen. He could make me smart, handsome, popular, rich, famous, spiritual, wise, and every other good thing... and He could take away my trials in an instant. But He doesn't... because He loves me more than that... because He wants me to become the man He sees in me. Life isn't about perfect character creation. It's about living in an imperfect world, in an imperfect avatar, and learning to become and change into perfection through Christ. It's a journey, and I'll meet things far worse than dragons on the way. Bur God is with me, and at the helm of my life. He's in control. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

For the Beauty of the Earth

"Where ships of purple gently float on seas of daffodil, fantastic sailors mingle. And then, the wharf is still" (Emily Dickinson).

Have I mentioned recently that life is spectacular? I love the way the sun streams through the clouds, breaking shadows and pouring out pillars of light. The breeze rushing through the trees, the rain pounding against the pavement, the birds singing in the early morning hours. Running, with the sun warm on my face. The smiles on people's faces as I see them through the day. The green on trees, and the bushes in blossom. A car so warm that I have to roll the windows down. Fresh air, later sunlit days (thanks daylight savings), and awesome sunsets that fill the sky with color. Purple, gold, pink, yellow... dotted with fantastic creatures and apparitions shaped with the wind... and then the breathtaking beauty of twilight. Nights warm enough to lay on the ground and watch the stars, or to talk with someone and never even know that time has passed or to stand on a street corner and watch the cars go by.

My life has its storms, when the heavens thunder and the world seems ready to split apart beneath me. The last few posts on (Gay) Mormon Guy have probably indicated that. But after the storms, comes Spring... and the knowledge that God really is watching out for me... and that He takes care of those I love. And with those storms, comes a change within me - a greater sense of gratitude, of humility, of awe, and of peace.

"For the beauty of the earth, for the beauty of the skies, for the land which from our birth over and around us lies... For the beauty of each hour, of the day and of the night, hill and vale and tree and flower, sun and moon and stars of light... For the joy of human love - brother, sister, parent, child. Friends on earth and friends above, for each gentle thought and mild... Lord of all, to Thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise."