If You Could See Inside My Mind

... You'd probably find a couple of seemingly contradictory layers.

On the outside is the assertive, optimistic, passionate, and successful person that is "me" in social situations, that shows through on a first date, and the way that others see me when they watch me from a distance. It's a construct - but not a facade - that displays who I am and how I want others to experience me... and more than that, it's the interface by which I've found I can influence the world for good. I change my outer shell whenever I need to - not drastically, but to better meet and understand the needs of the people with whom I work on a day-to-day basis. Here I'm a friend and teacher - someone that can make a difference.

A little deeper is the honest, raw, rational reality of my life - the endless list that describes my (or anyone else's in the world) life and experience from a purely objective standpoint. This comes out among friends, or even in casual conversation beyond the first few minutes... and is where I spend much of my time here at GMG. You'd see my reactions and reflections in the moment, feel the pain I feel, when I feel it, and rejoice when I find meaning in life, or things just seem to work out. This world is uniquely fatalistic - not because I believe I'm fated to experience life as I am, but because, if it never works out, learning to be content with what the Lord has given me is the only way to survive. Here I'm just another person - tossed back and forth and the sum of what happens to me... and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever amount to anything.

Another level deeper and you find faith - pure and simple - and the reality that is my life in emotions and in my heart. It's the meaning I find when I've been suffering from intense depression, the joy at helping someone find peace and joy in life, and the commitments I've made to myself, to God, and to others. It's the sum of my beliefs, all held up like a pretty, perfect picture... and sometimes I stand here in GMG. This is the level and layer where I think of myself as the hero in a story about changing the world.

And the last layer is the real me. Beyond the outer shell, the things that happen to me, and the morals that I claim to espouse, who am I, really? What choices do I make in the dark of night when no one is watching? How do I honestly feel about others, and what are my motives in everything I do? Here, I'm just another person. Another son of God, another man trying to make it through life into eternity... and here, finally, I am in control of not only my choices, but my happiness. If I choose the right, and know that I am following God, life becomes far simpler than the other layers make it out to be. Do what is right, and let the consequence follow... and God will take care of me.

I am a child of God. I live here, in life, with a thousand different outside influences on my mind each day. I have moral and ethical concerns and concepts that the Lord teaches me, line upon line. And, at my core, I am who I choose to be. And, at least today, I can cut through the layers of the outside and see myself for who I am. A son of God, trying to move forward, honestly doing what I can to not betray the spark of divinity that ties me to Him. And when I see that, everything makes sense... my life is perfectly fair... I am filled with hope and peace... and I am honestly and truly amazing.