I've almost posted half a dozen incredibly depressing posts over the last week, only to have my introspection cut short by something that totally lifts (and changes) the mood. The First Presidency Christmas Devotional was a good example. I had had an awful day - bad enough that others IRL (in real life) started to notice - and I was writing a post titled "When I Want a Guy," in reference to a guy at church who had somehow distracted me from multiple hours of worship. Depression, frustration, stress, and a strong unwanted attraction for another guy - definitely strong emotions to put on paper. But as soon as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir began to sing, everything began to change. I felt a wave of peace, I forgot about the guy who had consumed my thoughts, my tears changed from despair to hope, and I knew I couldn't write on that topic anymore. So I used Twitter and logged some of my thoughts. If you didn't see the devotional, it's worth watching, period. You can see it at LDS.org. Especially amazing were the clips from the new Bible films the Church is creating - they only have scriptural quotes as script - no filler lines... just images that allow you to feel the Spirit and know what is happening... and are magnificent.
It happened again as I sat on the outskirts of a social activity, frustrated with myself, when someone came up to me and began to outline, slowly and honestly, the things they admired in me. I felt, in that moment, like God really was watching out for me, because this person that I don't even know well prays for me... and I know that God hears and answers prayers.
More depression met with a letter from someone sharing a powerful success story and the joy of reading about his ability to move forward, more frustration met with people who stopped and honestly asked if was ok and what could they do to help me in my life. If only I knew. But, together, it meant that every time I felt at the bottom of my game, there was someone there to raise me up... and for that I am incredibly grateful. Even in the bad times, the Lord finds ways to help me... to lift me and bless me and get me moving... and so I keep moving forward, one step at a time.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Tuesday, December 6
The Good and the Bad
Labels:
Apathy,
Depression,
Family,
Fitting in,
Friends,
Gratitude,
Happiness,
Hope,
Optimism,
patience,
Perspective
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God is the greatest anti-depressant. It's nice to remember that despite managing the cosmos, He takes the time to help us. He often seems to do so by helping us help each other. I had similar thoughts on Sunday (http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/in-service-of-your-god-mosiah-217.html). Thanks, as always, for your post!
ReplyDeleteMy best,
Obadiah
I'm glad you wrote this post, it's help me to recognize those in my life who have lifted me up in the past when I was the most down.
ReplyDeleteI definitely needed to read this post! Thank you so much for it. I have had some ups and downs the last few weeks, especially in feeling that no one cares even when I try to reach out to them. Yesterday, I got some terrible news about my life and all of the plans I had for the future, and it was a little bit the last straw. People have been ignoring me the past few weeks, especially someone that I recently met and was trying to connect with, and then this happened. By the end of the day, I just want to disappear into nothing and end everything. I felt that there was no point to continuing life and tried to think of what would be the easiest way out.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, I'm not very bright cause as I was going about my routine today trying to figure out how to end my life, one thing after another happened to lift me. I took a final, and it went extremely well. I took a trip to the Temple, which made everything different, and then a group of wonderful people that I'm becoming friends with invited me to go out and get some ice cream. Three little things that happened today, turned my life around and made me realize that there are a lot of things worth living for even if I do have to endure hell in several ways to press forward.
Reading your post helped me to realize that Heavenly Father is there and is listening and wants me to move forward with whatever He has planned. I do not know what that is or why I have to endure so many hard things, but I do know that He will continue to bless me with wonderful things that can happen everyday as He did today. Thank you for your story cause it was just yet one other blessing that Heavenly Father gave me to push me forward to what tomorrow holds.
I just found your blog and when I started reading your life story (the first post) I felt inspired. You have a inner strength that I am sure many admire and respect. I have also found that sometimes God sends us exactly what we need when we really need to be lifted up. Looking forward to reading future posts from ya.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have come to appreciate as I have followed your blog is how INCREDIBLY difficult this challenge is. It seems to have such a grip on those affected. I just wonder why it has to be soooo hard, especially when one wants to choose well and is focussing on truth, the Savior, and the proper use of agency. It just does not seem to get any easier as one might hope. I feel only marginal hope for my own son should he decide to turn away from his active gay lifestyle...something he does not even desire at this point. I can't imagine him desiring it nearly as much as you do. Therefore, it seems less hopeful to me that he will succeed since your constant exertion of effort in choosing the Lord's path is met with an ever constant battle.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm trying to say is I feel encouraged and discouraged all at the same time. There are times when I wonder if your next post will be a "throwing in the towel" entry. I would not be surprised but at the same time I would be very, very sad. In my mind, if you can't get through this then I don't know who can. I'm sorry it is such a tough fight. I want so badly for you to succeed. I need you to.
I know this is a selfish point of view. I'm sorry for that. It is an unfair burden to place on you...but in reality maybe it boils down to my own faith in Christ to deliver you or anyone else with this struggle. I want so badly for Him to do just that. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It goes against everything I've experienced in my relationship with the Lord so far. To witness this is very painful for me.
Hang in there!! These examples of sending people/things to lift you remind me of the beautiful talk Elder Bednar gave in Conference in 2005, about tender mercies of the Lord. (http://lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord?lang=eng&query=tender+mercies) He says, "...I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence." The Lord loves us so much and reaches to help us when we need it most.
ReplyDelete