Someone Who Understands

Some days I find myself wishing for someone who can understand me and everything I'm going through. Someone who has been where I am, made it through somehow, and can look at my life and give me the knowledge I need to survive.

I'm not talking just about same-sex attraction. Even though it's a part of the things I face, it's the least of my worries right now. Life itself, and all its pieces, just seems to have loomed up and threatened to swallow me whole... and I have no idea which direction to run for cover.

I think that for me, that was one of the hardest things when I initially realized I was attracted to guys. I had no role models, knew no one who had walked in my shoes... could find no one I to ask for advice on how to live the gospel while facing my own personal brand of life... and the result was that I felt utterly and completely alone. It probably didn't help that I didn't feel I could even tell anyone about the issues I faced, so no one knew, and they couldn't help even if they had the resources.

I've never found anyone who truly understands me... or anyone who seems able to understand even most of what's happening. Counselors and therapists listen kindly, then express a mixture of pity, shock, and concern when they realize what's actually happening in my mind (much of which I don't/can't share here). Priesthood leaders tell me that they're sure I can do it. Even family members look at me with blank expressions when I try to explain myself.

But I've realized two things. First, the Lord honestly and truly understands what I'm facing - all of it - and is able to be there for me every step of the way. Second, I don't need one person who understands everything about my life (I'm not sure I'll ever find one)... I just need different people who understand different pieces and can help me get through those areas of life. People who understand my concerns about work, others about dreams, others about long-term professional plans, others about dating and ssa, others about Church service, others about depression and illness... and as I find people who understand me and can help me in each of those facets, life as a whole gets better. It's not even that I ask them for advice. I'm awful at that. Just knowing that someone understands, and has been there, and has seen success, inspires me to make that story apply to me.

I guess that's one reason why I started (Gay) Mormon Guy. If I had known that there were thousands... or even one faithful member who had fought the same battle, and was winning, that would have been enough to give me hope to move forward. As it was, without a support group or anyone who knew, I'm grateful that somehow I made it this far. I was supported by God and His angels. That's proof enough for me that God is involved in my life. It makes me think of Elisha standing on the mountaintop, preparing to go to battle alone with his servant.

And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire (2 Kings 6:15-17).

The Lord really does care about me. I've felt His hand in my life so many times when I wasn't worthy or deserving of it... and it has been enough to help me become a better man.

I'll extend the offer I've made before. I'm not by any means a perfect friend. I don't have most of the answers and can only speak from my own experience. But if you need someone who understands, contact me (my gmail address is afriendtotalk2 ). I'll listen and do what I can.

Paradoxical Dating in the Mormon World

Yesterday at the combined 5th Sunday meeting, our bishop, after a brief introduction, spoke about the importance of dating. I think it must be addressed by hundreds of bishops on 5th Sundays all over the world.

Normally talks like this are from the hip, and are simple encouragements for men to date more and women to be more willing to date. But this time he referenced a number of recent talks given by the Brethren that, taken at face value, were pretty incriminating against single men who aren't actively dating... and my ward is full of them. The end message: If you aren't moving towards marriage (which means dating), you need to repent.

Whenever I listen to discussions on dating and marriage, I find myself asking, internally, which parts apply to me and my life. None of the discussions on marriage I've ever heard have referenced those of us who live with same-sex attraction. I guess it could be for multiple reasons. Maybe those speaking don't realize that some of us are in the audience. But my bishop knows about me, and probably others in the congregation. Perhaps the situation is too complicated to really address, and he's just teaching something that applies to most, but not all. Or maybe the encouragements to date apply to us as much as anyone else.

The few times the Brethren have spoken about homosexuality and marriage, they have very clearly said that marriage is only an option in some cases... which means that for some men and women, it's not an option. Deep attraction to a member of the opposite gender is one of the requirements. But they don't talk about dating. My takeaway from those discussions is that, no matter what I face, I need to be preparing for marriage. And if I do what I should, the Lord will make sure it happens. In my case, I need to be attracted to a girl for marriage to be an option - something that hasn't happened before.

That's complicated enough, except that Church YSA culture is totally different. No one knows that I live with same-sex attraction, which means that everyone, from family to friends to well-meaning strangers have thoughts on what I should do to make me more marriageable. If only they knew. I'm not married, which means that, in many people's eyes, I'm doing something wrong.

That's compounded with the issue that dating, even if it's nigh unto a commandment and expectation in YSA culture, brings with it implied social contracts. Most men don't ask out someone they're not attracted to. The thought of even doing that sounds hollow, false, and cruel. Welcome to my world of dating. When I date, I realize that the girl I take out is going to have a totally different experience because there's no physical attraction on my part. In every case, that has been a huge blow to her. I don't tell girls that, because they then infer that it's just about them unless I tell them it's all girls (which isn't a current option), but it's not that hard to figure out. My dates are as platonic as they get.

To beat the issue, and soothe my conscience, traditionally, I'll only take out girls who are really interested in me (and I'm usually oblivious to interest unless it's extreme) - after they've gotten to know me somewhat, and after I warn them, upfront and openly, that relationships with me can be painful. We have a DTR before we even start dating. Really. I take this seriously. None of them believe me, and it's always painful if the relationship ever goes anywhere. But they all say it's worth it, and at least I know from the beginning that I was open.

So the Brethren teach that all post-mission righteous men should be dating to get married. You can't be a bishop or stake president or professional seminary teacher without being married. Then they speak to us and say that marriage may not be a possibility for some of us... who look totally normal on the outside. Church culture says that if you look normal and you're not dating, you must have something wrong with you - and most of the time the projected sin is pride or fear of commitment. (btw: Are there people who are really afraid of commitment? If I found a girl I loved, I'd drop anything for her. Man up, guys.) And then girls themselves expect you to be attracted in relationships, from the beginning. Pressure from every side.

I think this, and the huge pressures that men face during the post-mission years on this topic, may be why so many men and women with same-sex attraction leave the Church at this time of life. Telling your ward, family, and others that you're gay quickly cuts the pressure to date (in most cases), and leaving the Church distances you from what the prophets teach. And if you ever do date a girl, then she already knows that you're not attracted. You just like that she can keep good conversation, or you want to ask her questions, or you just want someone to talk to.

Someday, I hope that something changes. I don't see the pressure to marry ever abating - it's a vital doctrine. But I'm also not seeing a shift where coming out would be accepted soon in my life or Church culture, though. It looks like a catch-22, where I have to march to the beat of a number of different drummers. It's possible to take a step only when they all beat at once. But, for long stretches, I have to just listen and internalize the dissonance while everyone watches.

He's My Neighbor

It's been a little while since it first happened. I got home from my day's activities, opened up my web browser, and logged in to my Gmail account for Mormon Guy. I glanced through the emails, scanning topics and senders, and then stopped and stared. It was there in the From: box - a person I knew, and not just in passing. A person I knew really well. Some names in the world are common. But the LDS world is small. Really small. And the picture that came up when the pointer paused above the name confirmed the thought. Definitely someone I knew.

I wondered what I would do if someone I knew asked me for help. It's easy to help strangers, when anonymity is equally dispersed, but what about people I know? All of my contacts related to (G)MG have come from the blog and moved into real life - not the other way around. I'm not sure how I would feel about suddenly switching roles with someone in my life. That thought was cut short when I realized it was just a comment to post. Not an issue. Relief... because I don't have to make the decision - a decision that would complicate another relationship and potentially end with my breaking anonymity with another person.

Since then it's happened multiple times, with all sorts of interesting connections... sometimes asking for help, usually simply just sending a letter or posting a comment. She doesn't realize that I was once in her ward. He doesn't know that I met him at a party years ago. He's my neighbor. She doesn't know that we went on a date once. No one realizes how closely we are all tied together.

And I guess I don't realize it, either. In just as many cases, I've probably met men and women somewhere in life, and never guessed that someday our paths would cross again.

I wonder what trials the people around me face... and, more importantly, what I can do to help them. If making sure to smile, or ask about their lives, or spend an extra minute talking while under a deadline would make a difference. I know that if people simply cared about me, and involved me in the real aspects of their lives, my problems would seem far less insuperable. And I'm sure it's the same for others... people sitting next to me right now, talking down the hallway, standing in front of me in the checkout line.

The Good and the Bad

I've almost posted half a dozen incredibly depressing posts over the last week, only to have my introspection cut short by something that totally lifts (and changes) the mood. The First Presidency Christmas Devotional was a good example. I had had an awful day - bad enough that others IRL (in real life) started to notice - and I was writing a post titled "When I Want a Guy," in reference to a guy at church who had somehow distracted me from multiple hours of worship. Depression, frustration, stress, and a strong unwanted attraction for another guy - definitely strong emotions to put on paper. But as soon as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir began to sing, everything began to change. I felt a wave of peace, I forgot about the guy who had consumed my thoughts, my tears changed from despair to hope, and I knew I couldn't write on that topic anymore. So I used Twitter and logged some of my thoughts. If you didn't see the devotional, it's worth watching, period. You can see it at LDS.org. Especially amazing were the clips from the new Bible films the Church is creating - they only have scriptural quotes as script - no filler lines... just images that allow you to feel the Spirit and know what is happening... and are magnificent.

It happened again as I sat on the outskirts of a social activity, frustrated with myself, when someone came up to me and began to outline, slowly and honestly, the things they admired in me. I felt, in that moment, like God really was watching out for me, because this person that I don't even know well prays for me... and I know that God hears and answers prayers.

More depression met with a letter from someone sharing a powerful success story and the joy of reading about his ability to move forward, more frustration met with people who stopped and honestly asked if was ok and what could they do to help me in my life. If only I knew. But, together, it meant that every time I felt at the bottom of my game, there was someone there to raise me up... and for that I am incredibly grateful. Even in the bad times, the Lord finds ways to help me... to lift me and bless me and get me moving... and so I keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Fear of Friendship

I'm trying to befriend a guy I recently met - mainly by finding things we have in common... things we can do together. It's not a relationship based on attraction; I just need more friends who are already my colleagues. He's an upstanding guy, and I'm trying to make it work.

Slowly I've felt like maybe I'm making headway... where headway really isn't much... getting a response when I talk with him, or coming up, twice, with something that we could do. It's something... but not much.

So it shouldn't have been surprising when he canceled on me today because he was doing stuff with another friend... and didn't invite me because he wasn't sure if I'd want to come... but surprise isn't the right word. What had been a good day suddenly turned about-face and went downhill from there.

The strange thing is that I know, completely, that to him there isn't a breach in our slowly-growing friendship. Difficulties in communication are totally normal for people when they're learning about each other, and we really don't know each other very well yet. We'll meet up tomorrow, and it'll be like nothing happened on his side. Everything is normal, and there's no need to be concerned. So why do I feel betrayed, frustrated, confused, or whatever it is that's inside my head? This doesn't really make sense.

Looking back, though, I don't think this is an uncommon experience. I don't get close to people very often - especially guys. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm afraid the relationship won't last even if I try. And then, when I actually do try, and the relationship shows any sign of need for improvement, red flags go off in my head instead of just being something to note for the future.

It could be because I've had people disappear on me before, without any notice. Relationships that seemed to be healthy from every aspect I could see that disappeared overnight, without a trace... and that left plenty of evidence that it was somehow my fault. I think the paranoia makes sense on that regard - having friends who move away so they don't see me anymore, others whose last words are that it's too hard to be my friend, and others that simply cut off all communication without explanation are good reasons to be paranoid about any sign that I could be losing another battle.

But does the paranoia, regardless of whether it's self-made or circumstantial, really help? Or is it just shooting me in the foot? For much of today, I've struggled to concentrate on anything for very long. And tomorrow, will it affect me? Is it something that I can even change? And the sheer act of writing a blog post on something so incredibly small makes me think that I have OCD.

I think that maybe this is a sign that I'm expecting too much from my relationships with other people... far too soon. And I guess that makes some sense... based on the friendship patterns that have worked and not worked for me in the past. Most of my friendships just disappear with the circumstances that brought us together. The only real friendships that have lasted a long time have been with God and a few family members. Right now, whenever I need someone to talk with, or consult, or if I have any need at all, I turn to God... and He's always there for me. He's always willing to drop anything to listen, and He will always take the time to understand when I need help. I can work, or go to the gym, or simply sit, and He is there - ready and willing and able to be a friend. My family is the same. And when I'm looking for friends, I guess I'm expecting them to fit that role, and that's what I find myself trying to offer as a friend.

But people don't always want an instant best friend - someone who treats them like family from the first meeting. And some people can't reciprocate, or aren't used to that level of trust... and while I want to be the perfect friend, and completely available to people, sometimes I'm not. I get lost in depression, and so busy that I don't check my phone for hours or my email for days.

That feels like the issue here at hand... and I think what I need to do is just realize what is happening inside my mind and come to grips with what is happening. As I slowly gain friends, they're going to be imperfect. They aren't going to know my thoughts unless I share them. They aren't going to know the frustrations and difficulties I face in life unless I tell them. And even if I do tell them, that doesn't mean that they will understand. They may not always be around for me. They may not ever really empathize or get what I'm facing. But one thing I do know - if I can be a friend to them, at least they will care about me... and they'll be able to slowly help me become a better person. And each person will have the ability to fill at least some small part in my life... and that's good enough.

Will I ever find a mortal someone who really gets me? I don't know. Hopefully, if/when I fall in love, that woman will be able to understand what's happening in my head, and I in hers, but I'm not sure that's very likely. Normal guys have enough trouble communicating and intuiting. :) But I think I'm making headway with the subconscious within me. People are imperfect. Relationships, even if they don't work out, are worthwhile. Don't be afraid to dive in, but remember to give everything and expect nothing in return. That way, everything I receive is a gift.

Tis a Gift to be Simple

Last night I had a conversation with a guy that made me think a lot about who I am and why I'm here in life. He and I have a lot in common, and the circumstances under which we met were incredibly serendipitous. In talking with him, I was hoping to see a mirror of myself, a pattern to learn from, a form of good and bad and better choices to apply in my life. I wanted answers to some of the questions I've had in life - an understanding of how he's learned to cope with the problems that I face. But, while I could see myself reflected in a few of the things he said, as the conversation progressed, I realized that our problems and trials have far less to do with each other than I had ever expected... and there would be no easy answer by the time we said goodbye.

In the hours since, I've wondered about who I am, what exactly I'm supposed to be doing here, and the destiny that I have waiting on the horizon. I've always had the feeling that life was going to get much, much harder for me in the future... from when I was little... and the feeling persists even today. This is only the tip of the iceberg. And so I wonder exactly what the Lord has in mind for me. My patriarchal blessing talks about sharing the gospel, and about being a father, healer, missionary, teacher, counselor, and leader. It doesn't talk about living with same-gender attraction, or fighting depression, or navigating the paths of learning to be a friend. It doesn't talk about abuse, or fear, or how to develop lasting friendships by becoming more vulnerable in relationships when I already wear my heart on my sleeve and put everything in my life on the table.

And it makes me wonder how some of the people in the scriptures felt during points of their lives. Don't misinterpret me. I'm not a prophet or an apostle or even anyone with authority in the Church. But I wonder how Moroni felt when he was alone, running from the Lamanites... how Paul felt on his missionary journeys, how John the Beloved feels as he serves among people who never truly become his friends. And how Christ felt when He alone understood what it was that He was called to do.

It makes me wonder if this is just part of my gift - if I was just supposed to learn sublime principles from feeling alone, or if it's supposed to inspire me to action, both of which have happened many times. If I had tons of friends, I would never have started this blog. I probably wouldn't have cared as much about people suffering in the world. I wouldn't have the time to respond to personal emails, text, chat, and meet people to help us come closer to Christ... But because I've been able to watch people change, it has been worth it. It will always be worth it.

I don't know what the future holds... whether someone will feel the call to be my friend, or I'll develop the abilities that elude me, or I'll go through life as a missionary - making intense, short-term connections with people all over the world. Thankfully, if I do my best, the Lord will take care of me - in the short and long term. He cares about me and is involved in my life. And that makes life a whole lot more simple.

Epic Fails in Friendship

For most of my life, I believed I could do anything I wanted, well. So did others... and experience supported that belief. Now I realize how incredibly wrong I was.

I may be good at athletics, academics, music, or internalizing church doctrine. But in the things that really matter - developing long-term meaningful relationships with others - my track record is a long list of failures.

Ability to make and keep friends from elementary school? Fail. Friends from any other school? Fail. Friends from work? Fail. Friends from the mission? Fail. Friends from past wards? Fail. Friends among extended family members? Fail. Friends in the dating world? Fail. And friends as part of a physical support group - people I can turn to when I'm having a rough day? Epic fail.

I honestly think that this - my inability to develop meaningful lasting friendships - played a role in exacerbating same-sex attraction... and that seems to hold true with some of the things I've discussed with other guys who are moving forward - as they are able to develop more meaningful non-sexual relationships with men and women, living with same-sex attraction gets at least a little easier. I'm not sure if it's because friends create a social network and support system, or if there are emotional needs that are met through friendships that, unmet, masquerade as SSA. I don't know because, despite my attempts, it never happens. Something about me destroys relationships with a perfect certainty... and that knowledge probably only further accelerates the process.

Take a recent example - I had a guy I was helping to come back to Church, change his life, and learn to be happy. He didn't have SSA. We spent a ton of time together, and over the course of a few months he was able to change. But as soon as that change happened, life pulled us apart and I haven't had a conversation with him since. I invited him to half a dozen different things, but as the relationship atrophies I feel powerless to stop it, and it doesn't seem like he has any interest in knowing me anymore... so I drop it and move on. And that's the story of my life. Meet people - men and women - feel a desire to be involved in their lives and a desire to be accepted by them... if I get close to them, they usually have massive, painful, life-changing experiences... and then they disappear.

The end result is that I've never had a group of friends to go do stuff with, or even one friend that stayed on for the ride. When I want to go running, it's always alone, even though I know a hundred people who love to run. They just would rather not run than have me running with them. I know - I've tried. When I go hiking or biking, or attend the temple, or go to a museum, or do almost anything, it's alone... I have short-term friends, for a few weeks or sometimes even months, but each of them eventually disappears or consciously walks away. They each had logical and plausible reasons for not pursuing the friendship... and I can't blame them.

Sometimes I wonder about the irony of pulling both the same-sex attraction card (which means I have a rough time with romantic relationships) and the difficulty-making-friends card (which means I have a rough time with non-romantic relationships). The end result is that I have a rough time with all informal relationships - everything that doesn't involve structured roles like student-teacher or mentor-mentee. I'm grateful that being alone taught me to turn to God, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to overcome it and be able to rely on people in my life. Right now, I look at relationships as opportunities to help other people. I walk into every environment with the question, "How can I help this person come closer to Christ?" But at the same time, I expect it to end when they're done with me. I'm never someone's only or best friend, even if they're mine... and eventually that friendship will disappear - sometimes suddenly - in the course of 5 seconds - and sometimes over weeks. But none of them last, and inside I don't believe they will, simply because they never have.

Wow. This post was longer than I intended. And probably more depressing to people on the outside. This isn't a sob story or an account intended to engender pity or emotional grief. It's just a thought from my mind, and maybe it will help put into perspective some of the choices I make. Everything I do is based on the precept that I'm going to be alone for a long time - surrounded by friends in the short term, but constantly breaking ties and having to make new ones. From experience I've realized that no relationship can ever thrive longer than a few months, then my investment in people has to be front-loaded, and I'm far more willing to do things that will help them in the beginning, even if it jeopardizes the relationship we have. That's a good summary of how it works in my mind. And changing this has proved far more difficult than any temptation with same-sex attraction.

"Learning Experiences"

Yeah. Sometimes "learning experiences" is a euphemism for tough days and rougher trials. But sometimes, even though the underlying trials still exist, experiences really are all about learning, and less about pain or anything else. And, in that case, the attribution still holds true.

I had a handful of experiences over the last few days that could have easily been classed as trials. Miscommunication with other people. Frustration with colleagues. Difficulties with friends and family members. Stress from Church and life in general. In each case, I had the conscious thought, "So how am I going to respond to this? How am I going to classify it when I tell others? And how am I going to experience and view it now - in the moment?"

I tried to view them all as "learning experiences" - to see the investment of time and money as an investment in learning (since in most cases the actual investment in material things or experiences proved fruitless). And it was amazing what I actually learned. Focusing on learning good things in life can make an otherwise awful experience actually enjoyable. It can give purpose in doing things that seem useless. And it can help me understand people, even when they seem to be doing things that, from my limited perspective, seem totally irrational.

And so it all eventually made sense. Instead of feeling victimized, I felt curious. Instead of frustrated, more aware. In each case, I learned something that will help me in the future.

I think that's one of the keys to my thriving (not just surviving) in the Church - I look at experiences in life the same way. So I'm not attracted to women. Why? Where does it come from? How transient is it? What impacts or modifies it? How does that impact my relationships? What can I learn from it? How can it make me a better person? What do I need to be careful of? How does it affect who I really am inside? How does it interplay with all the rest of the problems in my head? How does it affect the reality of the Plan of Salvation and its application in my life? How should it affect my goals? How does it affect my relationship with God? How does it affect my testimony and my faith?

Maybe that's a secret in life - realizing that every experience is designed to help me learn to be happy. I think it is. And, from that perspective, as long as I'm doing the right things, my life will always be perfect. Difficult? Yeah. Painful? Probably. But still perfect - full of one learning experience after another.

Hero, Villain, or Friend?

Growing up I found it hard to relate to people. For whatever reason, I felt ostracized from my peers, siblings, extended family members... everyone. I always felt singled out, no matter where I was. I had no friends at school, no friends on my sports teams, no friends in extracurricular activities or community events, no friends at Church, and what felt like no friends in my family. The only people who seemed to care were twenty or forty or sixty years older than I was - teachers at school, advisors at Church, and those of my relatives who fit in the 'old' category. 

I thought I was a likable kid - I wasn't ugly or awkward, and had my head on straight, and I tried over and over again to find ways to make friends... to be a part of their lives or find ways to help them be a part of mine, but nothing seemed to make a difference.

The problem wasn't that people didn't like me. My yearbook was always full of compliments: "Mormon Guy, you are incredibly smart." "Mormon Guy, you're a great athlete." "Mormon Guy, you're really nice." In the classroom, at the event, or on the field, everyone was my friend... but as soon as the bell rang, or the diplomas landed, they all disappeared. And I found myself standing completely and totally alone.

I finally realized that people weren't my friends because they didn't feel they could relate to me... and that I couldn't relate to them. That, in part felt true... since I've had such a hard time at least on my part. Whatever the reason, while I tried to be close to the people who surrounded me on an everyday basis, most of them felt emotionally distant from me. And distancing yourself from others emotionally, while being a part of their lives, can have devastating, and interesting, effects.

When you don't see who people are, and the motivations and pain and anguish and choices and background that goes into their choices, people become a simple sum of the actions you can see. And, depending on how you view and relate to those actions, people begin to take on a surreal aura of who you believe them to be... and that aura influences how everything they say or do impacts you. At least this is what I've seen in my life. When you only see the good in others, they become a hero. When you only see the bad, they become a villain. I became both.

As life unfolded, the emotional distance didn't improve. I tried to make friends and be involved in the lives of others, but it became strikingly apparent to me that as I met people, after the usual greetings, they sorted themselves into two different groups. Those who didn't want to understand me, and put me on a pedestal where they could look at me... and those who didn't want to understand me, and put me in a pit where they wouldn't have to see me.

Almost all the girls I dated eventually put me on a pedestal, which was the sign that the relationship wouldn't work. Most of the people in my wards did, too... and most of my classmates. Then, on the other side, there was the rare person who hated me without knowing my middle name or ever having a conversation with me, and the people who were threatened by my presence or else thought I was arrogant, and hence felt they were better than I was.

And then there were the rare few who could see beyond the awkward social grace, or lack thereof, the massive passion for life, and whatever else keeps me distant from the world. And those were the people who got closest to me - the people that I wished could be my friends.

I have a request for you, as a reader. Please don't judge me. Don't put me, or my blog (Gay) Mormon Guy, on a pedestal like a knight in shining armor, and don't throw me in a pit for my assumed naïveté. You don't know me - only a small part of what I share here. And if you do know me, you know I'm not a hero or a villain; I'm just another guy trying to live the gospel the best way I know how... who shares his story to try to help others along the way. If the posts here resonate with you, then turn to God, decide to write your own story in the actions of your life, and become your own hero. If they don't, then turn to God and the scriptures to find someone who understands and empathizes with your life. Don't idolize me or hate me for doing what I feel is right; instead, turn to God and try to understand me... and in turn understand your own life and the choices you make each day to return to Him.

Meaning in Patience

Across the US, rain has drenched cities, causing massive flooding filling reservoirs beyond capacity. The cool, wet weather and late frosts prolonged spring into early June, and for a while the only things blooming were small, scraggly, but definitely green. Then, in a burst of prolonged sunlight, summer came... and with it a very unique set of circumstances.

Usually, spring gardens bloom in sequence. Crocuses, forget-me-nots, early daffodils and miniature tulips, larger tulips and apple blossoms, lilacs and day lilies and massive bearded irises. But this year, it didn't happen that way. The long, cloudy weather meant that, for months at a time, none were blooming... and then, all at an instant, everything bloomed at once. Irises in the same bed as crocuses, tulips, and daffodils - something I've never seen before. Roses backed by those same flowers, instead of being flocked by the green after-blooms of foliage. And when the day lilies finally bloom, with their blooming season they'll probably bloom until November.

I think that if I compare myself to a garden plot, it's pretty telling in my life. For most of my life, I would have given anything to be "normal" - to fit in to any group of people. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy I only share a facet of my life; you can be sure that I'm probably the strangest person you've never met. I looked around and saw flowers blooming in everyone else's lives... everything going right, with no apparent difficulties on their parts. And my garden? Um. It's definitely green. I have a strong testimony and a faithful conviction of the truth. But the flowers and fruit that are in other gardens are conspicuously absent, and I'd really rather not be like the fig tree that Christ cursed when Summer was nigh.

Today, looking at gardens, I'm again realizing that the Lord always has a purpose in His designs. This year, a late spring and heavy rains left gardens bare of flowers and fruit... but only a few months later, those same conditions made summer gorgeous. I think the same thing is happening in my life. Maybe right now all my dreams are on hold. I don't have a wife, kids, and the love that I watch blossom around me. Those who don't know in my life are probably wondering what is taking so long. But someday it will happen. The flowers will bloom, summer will come, and all my dreams will come true. It won't be today, but I know that it will happen. The Lord has promised that every blessing will be given to the faithful in His own due time. And in the meantime I'm enjoying the rain.

And Then.

Sometimes I think I'm done with this. That I've moved on, somehow finished this trial, and it will disappear, leaving only a memory and an empathy possible in no other way. Time goes by and I find myself engrossed in the world of work, dating, and everything else that takes precedence in social life. I look out through my lens into life and the world and, almost, feel like everyone else. My blogging here at (Gay) Mormon Guy slows, as my mind moves in other directions, and it crosses my mind more than once that I could never come back. Part of me always entertains the hope that I won't... that this will be my last post and I can move on, disappearing into society like every other success story. And then.

I get a handful of emails from people who share their own experiences... and relate how reading mine has done something in their lives. They write of prayers, of fasting, of newly found hope and faith, of change and of peace. And I feel a kinship. A love that wracks my heart and burns me inside... unwilling to leave me alone or let me be silent. And suddenly I am consumed with a desire to do something to help others, to open my mouth, even when another voice inside me just wants to disappear, live my own already-too-messed-up life... and somehow stop caring. "It would be easier that way," the voice says.... But true love doesn't work that way. Meaning doesn't come from watching life from the sidelines. I learned that on my mission - when the Lord shows me His love for others, I am irreparably linked to them. Blessed with their successes and bruised with their defeat. They consume my thoughts and direct my passion... with no vacations, breaks, or leaves of absence. And it keeps me alive. So I look outward, and recommit myself to making a difference, even if I've moved on. And then.

I start dating a girl even though I feel no physical attraction... because I think that maybe we could have an emotional or intellectual bond that could then develop and grow... and she feels the same. And maybe it will. Time can only tell. But then I realize I'm more interested in my relationship with and attracted to a guy in my ward in every way than I am to her... and my mind falls to pieces. 

I've never wanted anything but friendship from other guys - this guy included. The attraction complicates everything. On one side, if we stay casual friends, that would be great with me. Amass enough casual friends, and eventually I'll find good friends, right? The likelihood of finding best friends isn't very high anyway. The other side of me pushes me to try - to do something to ensure that when circumstantial friendship ends, there is still something there. In both cases - with the girl I'm dating and the guy I just want to befriend. But almost every time I've tried has failed... in one way or another. And my relationships are often full of stress and tears anyway... even for my family. Maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe I'm not worth it.

And then.

The Lord tells me that I am. Worth it. Worth whatever pain it took... to Him... to help me become who I am today, and who He sees in me. And maybe this time it will work out - maybe I'll find good friends and a future wife and live happily ever after. Maybe not. But someday it will happen. And as long as I'm doing the right thing, what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or even for the rest of mortality, doesn't matter. The Lord will make it work out in the end, and in the meantime, it will all be worth it. I'll do my part... and then... He will do His miracle.

I Told Them

I Told Them.

When the Lord told me to start writing this blog, He also gave me the injunction to never tell anyone in my life about it or about being attracted to guys. I definitely never intended to tell anyone about it in the first place.

Since then, there have been a handful of times that I've felt strongly impressed to share it with others. I never completely knew why at first, and I was scared to death... but as time went on each impression made more and more sense... and it became easier to follow the guidance of the Lord even when I had no idea why or what would come of it. Confiding in a priesthood leader who just happened to have a personal connection that tied me to other figures in the Church. Telling a friend who, for whatever reason, needed an especially difficult trial of faith. Telling others who live as I do, who needed help trying to keep the commandments and stay clean, no matter what the cost.

Now He told me to tell my parents.

So I told them.

It was a conversation with my mom and dad. After just talking for a little bit, I explained that I needed to discuss something important... even though they had already had what sounded like a stressful day... and then I followed the outline that was my last post.

I want to note here that I didn't "come out" to my family. I didn't "confide in them my sexuality" either. I just shared something that I face - an offshoot, albeit significant, from who I really am. I didn't tell them to ask for different treatment as a person. I didn't ask them to change their expectations or their hopes and dreams for me. I simply gave them a view into my soul - a glimpse of the trials I face, what I've done to learn from them, and the gratitude I feel toward God for loving me enough to allow me this trial in mortality.

They were mostly silent as I explained each facet, responding only when I asked questions to ensure they understood. When I finished, my mom's voice was subdued as she said, "Sounds like you've been carrying a heavy load for a long time..." They expressed their love for me and thanked me for trusting them enough to tell them. Then, after asking if they could read my blog (I answered in the affirmative...) they asked one question: "What can we do to help?"

I explained that I hadn't intended to ever tell them... but that the Lord had asked me to... and maybe it was because they could receive revelation on my behalf. There aren't many people in the world who can receive guidance from God for me, personally, in my life... and my parents are two of them - two people who know me well. So I asked them to be close to the Spirit and ask God for revelation on my behalf...

When my dad then made the remark, "Sounds like you need to hold girls' hands more," I hoped that he wasn't being serious. 

But he was. 

And then I realized that my parents, even though I had bared my soul to them, didn't understand the issue. They didn't understand the psychology behind it, therapies that definitely don't work and those that sometimes do, the social effects it creates... my dad didn't even realize that it meant a genuine lack of physical attraction for women.

But even if they had been clinical psychiatrists who had helped clients for decades, my parents would never be able to understand... because they have never experienced it.

But they don't need to. They just need to care, and be close enough to the Lord to know what to do in my behalf.

And so I explained what I meant by staying close to the Lord. "Before you suggest anything, take it to the Lord. Before you set me up with someone, take it to the Lord. Ask Him to be involved in the counsel you give me - you don't understand, and I don't expect you ever to really understand... but God does, and He can inspire you to do the right thing. And it might be something that won't seem to make sense. Most of my feelings, in your paradigm, don't make any sense. Which means that the solutions might not make any sense either. I have a feeling that they probably won't - at least not to you at first."

In the hours since, I don't think our relationship has changed much. They don't look at me strangely. And even though they don't understand, they care about me and want me to be eternally happy. Which makes my parents even more amazing in my eyes. They're totally different. And yet together they're awesome. And hopefully someday I can be like them... and have a relationship with my own children... and love them unconditionally and help them work through their own problems, whatever they may be.

I'll Be What You Want Me to Be

I've noticed that carrying my greatest trials and burdens in life has made the music of the Church a thousand times more meaningful. I've always been grateful that music was a central part of worship in the gospel, but as I've faced death, illness, pain, and suffering, my introspection on the words has deepened... and I've realized how much true worship really is contained in the texts of the hymns... words that sometimes make me stop singing altogether... just so I can listen and cry.

It may not be on the mountain height or over the stormy sea; it may not be at the battle's front my Lord will have need of me. But, if, by a still, small voice He calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer, dear Lord, with a heart sincere: "I'll go where you want me to go."

There's surely somewhere a lowly place in earth's harvest field so wide where I may labor through life's short day for Jesus the crucified. So trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me, I'll do Thy will with a heart sincere: "I'll be what you want me to be."

Sometimes I look at life, and the many things that make us different. Some are given talents that seem to give them incredible ease in studying. Others are popular. Others are good at listening. And I look at my life... and live with a constant duality. 

On the one hand, I live, every day, with massive and major problems - only some connected here to (Gay) Mormon Guy... trials that most people would say are beyond their comprehension, and that far too often lead me far too deeply into depression. Trials that threaten to cut at the core of my being and make me wonder why and how God could allow someone to experience that kind of emotional suffering.

But I look at who I am because of those trials, and I stand amazed. Somehow, God has taken a little boy, scared, confused, and hurting... and infused him with light to become a better man. A man of faith. A man of love. A man of wisdom. I know that some of you hate when I talk about myself. But this isn't about me - it's about the change that God wrought in me through the refiner's fire. About the incredible vision He has for His children... and about the power that lay in obedience to His call and faith in His promises.

I used to pray, fervently and desperately, for God to take away my trials. To make me just like everyone else... to give me friends... to let me be attracted to girls... to lose my attraction to guys... and to just help me fit in with the rest of the world around me. I looked up at the heavens, and, tears in my eyes, asked Him to lighten my burdens and to make me whole.

Today, I am grateful that He didn't... but answered my prayers in His own way. He gave me the strength, the wisdom, the knowledge, and the faith to move forward and to become the man He saw in me... something I could have never done without being surrounded by adversity.

Today I pray for strength and faith to bear my burdens. Love to lift others and to love them unconditionally. Wisdom to see God's hand in all the things in my life. Gratitude to appreciate His gifts to me, in every form they may take. And guidance... to know what I should do, what I should say, and who I should be. I know now that my life may never be easy or simple. I may never have my burdens lifted, even though I wish they could be. But, trusting my all to His tender care, and knowing He loves me... I'll do His will with a heart sincere... I'll be what He wants me to be.

The Friend I Would Have Wanted

One of the feelings I took away from General Conference was the importance of people. The worth of amazing women. Behold your children. Sacrificing projects to serve others. The rescue. And looking at my own life, it's interesting to see how focusing on people has colored my recent decisions - from how I spend my time to how I look at others.

When I was younger, I would have given anything to have a friend who really understood and cared about me. Someone who saw life the way I did and I could just talk to, honestly, and see my own life in his or her reflection. Well, I'd give almost anything. By the time social groups had evolved in my peerage, I saw people around me who seemed to fit in with peer groups, but the common denominators were crude jokes, profanity, drinking, wild parties... and even though everyone thanked me for "not being judgmental" ... it didn't mean that they sought out my company... and I was never on the short list to be invited anywhere for anything.

Paired with the massive lack of self-esteem that came with the adolescent years themselves, not being attracted to girls, and trying to extricate sin from my being, I definitely was going through some rough times. There were dozens of times when I wondered if anyone would care, or even notice, if I just disappeared. Once I missed school for an extended period and when I saw a classmate again she was shocked to see me; she had thought I had moved suddenly.

It didn't help that as I looked at my life I saw inordinate blessings - hence the feeling that being depressed or sad because of seemingly trite situations was another sin of which I needed to repent. I though I had no right to be down, which meant that when I was, I felt incredible guilt mixed with the pain... only pushing me lower.

On the outside I always had the perfect mask... strong, happy, optimistic, loving, kind... but inside I was a wreck.

My prayers didn't bring the relief I wanted. I would pray for peace, and the Lord would tell me He loved me... and my mind would continue to churn. I would pray for hope, and He would tell me He loved me, and I still couldn't see anything worth living for. I would pray for help in living each day, and He would tell me that He loved me... and the next day would seem even harder than the one before.

It seemed like there was no hope - no progress - no way out. But as time went on, the answers became clearer... and I realized they held the answers I had needed all along. When my mind was a blur, I prayed for peace, and I knew God loved me... and if I did my best, everything would be for my good. I prayed for hope, and the Lord helped me see that He knew I could grow... that my trials and my pain would enable me to live and thrive in every type of life no matter what happened. I prayed for help, and He gave me His trust - the divine trust that I could stand at the front of the battle with sin and despair... and not give in... but grow in my struggles to become the man He saw in me.

Today I realize that I've always had a friend by my side. Someone to talk to when times are hard, a shoulder to cry on when I'm alone. Someone to bounce ideas off of, or tell my newest thoughts, or to ask for feedback on a post before I post it here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. A Friend who is never too busy, always available, and will never tell me to go away... One who watches over me in my sleep and protects me from danger, warns me and knows the thoughts and dreams of my heart. God is my best friend. And He's the best friend that I could ever hope for.

It took years for me to develop my friendship - years to give up my fears, to learn of Him, and to slowly learn to listen to His voice and trust in Him and His teachings... but it was worth every minute... spent on my knees, in the scriptures, at the temple, and speaking with Him in the course of my everyday.

I've finally found a Friend. The only thing He asks in return is that I keep His commandments... and unconditionally love and befriend others. So that's my goal - be the friend I would have wanted. The friend I did want. Someone who will drop everything at a moment's notice, and who cares about others more than they can imagine. Someone who will move Heaven and Earth to help them choose the right, and will never give up on them.

I have a long ways to go before I get there. But Conference left me with a greater hope and a greater desire to be that friend, and find ways to love others and help them come unto Him.

The Widow's Mite... And Mine

 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing...

And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

This story requires some background to truly understand it. In the days of Christ, Israelites were required to pay tithes and make offerings at the temple. Some were freewill offerings, but others were specific sums and sacrifices required of all.

The rich men tossed in plenty of gold, easily surpassing their allotted amount and doing so often with a grand gesture, and ensuring that a large crowd saw them and their righteousness. But the widow, perhaps with her children at her side or watching from the gate of the courtyard, threw in all that she had - perhaps not even enough to pay the tithes required, but it was everything she had. She had come out of duty, and gave all she could. And it was enough in His eyes.

There is a scene from the Joseph Smith film that plays on Temple Square that has always stuck in my mind. Joseph and Emma are looking out into the twilight... and Emma asks, "Do you ever think He asks too much?" Joseph continues looking out, and replies: "I don't allow myself to think that..."

The widow at the temple gave everything she had to the Lord, because He asked her to, the same way that Elijah asked the widow of Zarapheth, the same way the Lord asked Abraham, and the young rich man, and the Prophet Joseph... and me.

So what is my mite - the offering of my entire soul that God asks of me? 

Many people have expressed the sentiment that being gay and a faithful Mormon is too hard. That it is a trial beyond comprehension and impossible to reconcile. That's just the point. The story of the widow's mite, and of life itself, is not about doing things that are easy... but about doing things that are hard. Harder than she, or I, ever thought possible.

He has asked me to be obedient. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy, that means never acting on the carnal urges inside me, but learning to put off the natural man, becoming as a little child - meek, submissive, humble. It means obeying because I have faith in Him, and because I believe that through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel I can be saved.

He has asked me to be patient. To watch friends go on missions, come home, get married, have children, and move on with their lives... when I've never been in love with a girl, and have no idea when that blessing will come. To wonder when people in the world will understand the importance of loving others unconditionally... and to wait and work as I try to share the gospel in my own way.

He has asked me to be humble. To toss away my desire to look good in the eyes of others and ardently embrace the standards of the gospel when, anonymously and in real life, that makes me an easy target for ridicule on every side. To be willing to admit that I don't know everything, and to turn to Him in faith to find the answers to my questions and the questions others ask me.

He has asked me to be loving. To honestly and truly love everyone I meet, and to follow the teachings outlined in the Beatitudes - which in my case sometimes means praying for the anonymous people who send me less-than-positive mail.

You see, the widow was asked to give, but she gave her offering willingly. And in doing so, she received a far better return than she could have achieved any other way. The Lord knew she needed to give up all she had in order to gain the faith for the blessings she needed... and it's the same for me. 

Is it too hard to be gay and Mormon? To live the standards of the gospel and stay true to who I am? In reality, it's impossible. Living the gospel is impossible for everyone... alone. 

And so each day I stand with a choice. I can try to do it alone - to use the intellect and talents the Lord has given me and swim upstream on my own... Or I can take my blessings, my burdens, my trials, and my faith, and cast them into the Lord's treasury... believing that He will from my sacrifice bring forth the blessings of Heaven. He has. He does. And I know He always will.

Causation or Happenstance

I think a lot. I used to think that was normal until I went on my mission and learned that some people (as embodied in my companions) just didn't spend all day pondering. I'm still not really sure what people are doing when they're not thinking, but that's another issue altogether.

When I learned that overthinking was one of my personal traits, I wondered if it was correlated in any way with being attracted to guys. Now that may sound absurd, but physical attraction is a physical phenomenon - hence it is effected by definite differences somewhere in the brain. The brain is a complex organ; many chemicals and reaction sites function on many different levels - hence a difference in one area is likely to correlate with differences in others. The same thing happens in genetics - flowers that are purple usually have less disease resistance than flowers of the same type that are red.

So I wondered if overthinking was a side effect of being attracted to guys, or in some way a part of the whole. I read a paper once by a lead practitioner for LDS Family Services that found inordinate introspection as an anecdotal correlation, but I'm still not sure. And if it is correlated, what does that even mean?

The world has a definition of the gay guy or lesbian woman that falls into stereotypes. In the media, gay guys groom themselves meticulously, follow fashion religiously, passionately hate those who don't condone their lifestyle, are into the art-side of world more than other guys, wear way more earrings... but are these social constructs to which they unite themselves, or manifestations of joint differences in brain chemistry?

It's important to me because I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I'm dealing with when it comes to my brain. The parts of "gay culture" that have been constructed aren't as useful, applicable, or interesting to me because they don't always apply - and I've found that as a religious, faithful Mormon, I lack one of the key characteristics to be accepted in the gay world (strong negative emotions towards those that don't support homosexual activity)... I'm somewhat spurned as a legitimate member of that culture anyway. 

Understanding the interplay between complex physiochemical relationships would be ideal for better understanding how to live while attracted to guys. Preliminary testing has been done trying to show a definite correlation with serotonin uptake and depression, for example, which means that dietary supplementation with tryptophan - the chemical precursor to serotonin - may have substantial effects on alleviating depression. Depression is one of the 5 symptoms of the "syndemic" of the urban gay men - very high rates (as compared with the general urban male populace) of depression, suicide, AIDS, partner abuse, and substance abuse. (Those of you who want sources, they are freely available online. For example, search "gay syndemic." This post is not intended for publication in Science magazine.) It's obvious that gay men are not physiochemically more inclined to get AIDS - it comes from actions they take instead of being inborn. Partner abuse, substance abuse, and suicide are also active, but those are often predicated on dissatisfaction with life... which could be caused by depression rates. All those pieces together? If depression is an underlying factor that detracts from my quality of life, and is related to the chemistry of my brain, then it's worth investigating.

But is it caused by differences in brain chemistry?

Some people in the gay world claim that depression in gay men and women is completely due to external causation. One group feels it is caused directly by society - that exclusionary day-to-day practices and tenets are what cause depression, not any inherent tendency. This is probably only partially accurate, as the urban metropolis is typically a much more accepting area, and the day-to-day affairs of gay men wouldn't run into those who have such a huge emotional influence on them to cause depression, unless they were predisposed to it. It also doesn't match my own experience - as I rarely feel discriminated against in my life, yet I've had depression.

Another thought is that depression is linked to society's disapproval as a whole of gay relationships - hence the hot battle for equalization of gay with other relationships in the public sphere. But that can't be completely true either - the vast majority of gay men, which would be represented in the urban syndemics, are sexually promiscuous, and hence incur society's views on promiscuous sexual actions - not intimate monogamous relationships. Yes, they may be actively involved in and passionately opposed to current views on same-sex marriage, but unless they are currently monogamous, depression caused by outside influences in this case would be mostly vicarious (and probable proof of innate tendency to depression. I'm not sure if straight supporters of gay marriage rights have higher rates of depression). Sodomy laws have been gone long enough that true societal pressure on promiscuity is no longer actively in force. This also doesn't apply to me and my experience.

The last potential for outside causes isn't really discussed in the gay community, or in most scientific literature... because it's religious. I've found, in my own life, that I have an internal sense of right and wrong - above and beyond what society, my family, my Church, or anyone else tells me. In the Church we call it the Light of Christ - it's the gift given to Adam and Eve when they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Every human on the earth is born with this gift, which resonates with the good and bad things in their lives. When they do good, they feel good. When they do evil, they feel guilt. While it's possible to quench the feelings of guilt (called searing the conscience in scripture), it still has an impact - and my personal experience and my experience helping men and women has been that a life filled with guilt is definitely more depressed. When I sin, I am much more likely to fall into depression... and when I am clean, life is amazing. At least from my individual perspective, this could be a valid point in the syndemic. But it would obviously need specialized studies... and I'm not sure how you would set those up. In the meantime, I try to avoid sinning as much as possible, and I find that my depression is lessened significantly.

Wow. That was long. But that's what goes through my head anytime I see something unique in my life... something that could help me understand the life and trials I've been given. In my case, depression probably has a number of other complex interrelated causes, none of which I'll share here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. But I think that the investigation is worthwhile. Eventually, at least in my case, I'll be able to determine whether this and other factors are products of physiochemical causation... or circumstantial happenstance.

So What?

A friend told me he thought his elders quorum president could be gay.

Someone told me I was way too intense in keeping promises made to others - and it was about a promise I had made to someone else.

Both of the girls that seemed interested in me a few weeks ago seem much less interested now.

So what does that mean? How should those honestly affect my life or someone else's? 

If my elder's quorum president were attracted to guys (I definitely don't think mine is), I'd go out of my way to be his friend... which is something I already do. 

Part of being a friend, to me, means being willing to make any commitment in behalf of a friend, then doing everything in my power to keep it... which means that some people will always think I'm weird for being so committed. But keeping my commitments, at any cost, will always be a facet of my friendship.

And if a girl isn't interested in me, then trying to draw her into the complicated and chaotic web of who I am (my blog - gay Mormon guy - included) is definitely not worth it. Girls have said that dating me is a positive life-changing experience (which I usually have to question), but I would never wish the turmoil that stimulates those changes on anyone without their eyes fully open.

So what does life and its many twists and turns have to do with me? I know who I am. I'm a son of God, traveling slowly on the path back to Him. Slowly trying to understand what I need to do in life to better build His kingdom. Sometimes situations come up that require massive, painful changes in who I am... but often, just following the course I've already set out for myself is enough to overcome the daily trials in the way. Prayer. Scripture study. Meditation. Finding ways to serve others.

God is with me, and He will be at my side as long as I follow Him. He has promised that He will help me to overcome everything in life and to be happy now and always. So when life tosses me trials, often this is my response: So what?

True Acceptance

When I was young, I would have given anything to feel "accepted" by others. People loved me for who I was, and I definitely felt it, but for some reason everything I did seemed to isolate me. It wasn't an obvious thing - just something in the back of my mind... as if people were constantly disapproving of what I did.

I agree that I'm definitely intense. And not like most other people (this blog is called (Gay) Mormon Guy). But I still wanted the mark of approval from society on my life. Whatever the issue, I realized I had only two options if I wanted people to completely accept me - somehow make them change to accept my choices, or change my choices to be "more acceptable."

In both cases, there's incredible danger. If I change my choices and actions for acceptance from just anywhere, I will almost always end up shooting for a bar far lower than what God has in store for me. On the other hand, if I try to convince others to accept my actions, I am asserting that my bar is high enough - again, running the definite risk that I may be complacent with the happiness that my life brings when there could be better things in store.

Hopefully I'm being clear that this is about condoning actions. People have always loved me. I've always known that. But love is different from condoning and supporting who I am... and my friends and colleagues rarely supported me when I declined major school events that happened on Sunday, or didn't play sports on Sunday, or when I felt a greater responsibility to my personal relationship with God than to anything else. Or whatever else it was. I wanted them to understand and accept my actions - to condone them and, by doing so, somehow eliminate the feeling of being ostracized by society for my choices.

I tried changing who I was within the bounds of the gospel. Then I tried changing the people to help them see my vision. But in the years that have passed, I've realized that what I wanted - the feeling of true acceptance and support of my choices in life - can't come from society. True acceptance, of me and my choices, can only come from someone who knows me and my circumstances completely... and there is only One - God - who does. Yes, society could be nicer to those who choose to live their lives honestly, openly, with faith. But that's not the issue, because even if society accepted me it wouldn't fill my need. Even if I became world famous and everyone loved me, it wouldn't make a difference... because no one can see inside my mind to who I really am - to judge me for my actions and to support me in the good things I try to do. Looking for acceptance anywhere other than from God is looking too low. Only God knows me. And only He truly understands the measure of worth and value... and can give the stamp of approval that I needed... the true measure of acceptance for who I am.

God loves all His children, and He approves of the actions that follow His Plan to bring us back to Him someday. Today I know that God accepts and approves of me, and that's all that really matters. 

But God's acceptance is only temporary. It only counts for today. 

And with His acceptance comes a sacred obligation to raise the bar higher and higher - and to never let my eyes leave heaven. I think that focusing on acceptance from the world lowers my sights and easily leads to complacency. God holds me to an ever higher standard. And as it rises I will rise to the occasion. As I go through life, I'm sure He will continue to raise the bar of my actions and what He expects of me... because He understands me completely. And as I turn to Him, He will give me the strength to clear the bar, every time... 

Today I'm good. Tomorrow I hope to be better. And, in the end, I hope to hear my God say, "Well done, thou true and faithful servant... Enter into the rest of the Lord."

Proximity to Girls. And Closer.

My Blog Fast: Day 1

I'm not going to blog today. I actually wrote this post yesterday, along with the posts for tomorrow, and Thursday. I have a lot on my plate right now, and so I'm doing a blog fast (along with a normal one) to focus my thoughts. It simply entails not reading or writing any blogs and not checking my blog-related emails for a few days.

Why? It was a thought I had, and I need all the help I can get right now. I decided to try it. There isn't really a reason why.

But that's fine - on to the post.

Part of the issue of not being attracted to girls is the awkwardness of being physically near them. It's like when they had cooties all over again, except way, way worse... and no chance of ever growing out of it.

I have a friend who recently expressed her frustration because I never touch her. She's totally right - I don't. In my mind there's a reason... but I am contemplating change.

I've never actually had a huge problem touching girls; the issue comes when I think about the nonverbal social messages that come with touch. Hug at the end of an encounter = I really enjoy being in your company. Hug at the end of a date = I feel really comfortable with you. More hugs at the end of dates = I must really like hugging you... and so on.

I can't even imagine the messages that get sent from cuddling on the couch... but, wait a second. I'm being a bit unreasonable. Actually thinking about it, the underlying social messages can't
be all that intense. Guys cuddle with girls all the time and then never talk to each other again. Hey - they have makeout sessions and never talk to each other again.

So why am I so concerned about sending the wrong messages?

I think that part of it is wanting to be completely honest with girls. If I'm uncomfortable with my arm around a girl, I probably won't put my arm around her. And I probably won't kiss her at the doorway. More like a definite no on that one. I've made way too many girls cry already to do anything that would lead them on when our feelings aren't completely mutual.

But at the same time, physical proximity, and touch, are a vital way of developing attraction, and of showing I care about others. And touch plays a part even in friendship and totally nonromantic relationships. In the case of my friend, I find I'm unwilling even to hug girls until I know for sure that they have no glimmering hope that I'll fall in love with them. And while that may accurately express my lack of romantic desire, being standoffish is a type of disapproval that can really hurt.

So I guess that I've decided to change two things in my life. Sort of scary. I'll be more open with touch and other nonverbal ways to show I really do care when I'm around girls... and at the same time I'll be more vocal with girls who have romantic hopes to explain the meaning of what I do... and the realities of the difficulties of being more than my friend.

I'm not sure how this is going to work. I can already see myself with a girl on each arm watching a movie... and having major issues. But it's worth a try, right? Ready, set...

Forward With Faith

And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts? Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you? Do you look forward with an eye of faith...? (Alma 5:14-15)

Easier said than done.

Today is Valentine's Day - an annual celebration of romance and love throughout the western world. Beyond paper hearts, chalk-flavored candies that say "fax me," and extravagant boxes of chocolate, I think that Valentine's Day is about families... And learning to love others despite the opposition that comes in my daily life.

It's not easy. True love is more than just an infatuation, or even being willing to tolerate the presence of someone I once didn't like. The Lord expects much more of me than just tolerance - He expects me to love all men like myself, like He loves them. True love is the ingredient that causes the "might change of heart" that Alma spoke of ... the light that shines in those who have received His image in their countenances.

Again, it's not easy. I've been betrayed, outcast, insulted, cursed, made fun of, ignored... But love is not dependent on outcomes. It's not dependent on results or even on the actions of the people I love. Love is the knowledge of others, and the unconditional desire to help them be eternally happy... and when I have realized that, it helps me see through the actions of others, into their hearts and their souls.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold. I'm trying to develop meaningful friendships with others, but on the romantic side I don't even have anyone I'm dating. To complicate things, as I grow older, people seem to ask about my social life and future plans more and more often. It'll work out. So I move forward with hope, happiness, and a willingness to let Him share the load. For me, that's faith.

Today will probably still be hard. There are still guys that are attractive and girls who aren't. And there are people who unknowingly (or not) tread on my life, unaware of my pain and my needs since they've never taken the time to walk in my shoes. But that's ok. Of all people, I know what it's like to be imperfect. Life wasn't meant to be easy; it was meant to give me the tools to return to live with God some day... I think the greatest gift of love God gave me was people - the people who inspire love and teach me who I can become. I am a child of God. They are children of God. And with their help, I can learn to love and to press forward with faith.