For After Much Tribulation...

...verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the rewards of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

For after much tribulation come the blessings...
(D&C 58 2-4, emphasis added)

For whatever reason, every time I've read this scripture in the past, I somehow skipped over the "much" part of "much tribulation." The scripture simply meant that with all tribulation comes blessings - every cloud has a silver lining.

But with much added back in, it tells a completely different story. Without much, it suggests a Lord who immediately hears and delivers the faithful when they suffer. With it, the scripture tells of pioneers who pull handcarts thousands of miles... Israelites who wander in the desert for 40 years... Abraham and Sariah and Zacharias and Elizabeth who pray for children for decades... a woman with an issue of blood who spends all her substance and time trying to become whole... men and women who live whole lives with disease and disability... and seemingly unsolvable trials that pull at the fabric of mortality... before arriving in Zion, finding the Promised Land, having children, or being healed.

For a long time I honestly believed that if I was righteous enough, the Lord would quickly answer all my prayers exactly the way I wanted Him to. Specifically, if I did everything right, over a short period of time (or at most a few years) my same-sex attraction would disappear, leaving ardent love for a girl in its place. It makes sense then why some of the most difficult moments of my life were when, after honestly trying to live the gospel to the absolute fullest possible for multiple years and passing important milestones (complete a faithful mission, etc), I felt like my trials were becoming heavier... not easier. I definitely didn't understand this scripture.

Today, looking back on my trials and forward to the future, I can easily say that it's worth it to stay true to the gospel. My life, while a total and complete mess, is guided by God... and I find honest hope and happiness in doing my best. My date tonight was even fun.

But sometimes it's hard to look forward, or even backwards, on trials with much hope. When I'm in the middle of "much tribulation," the most important part of this scripture isn't the promise that someday I'll be blessed for my goodness... whenever someday comes. The most important part is the first phrase: blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death... the promise that, no matter what faces me, the way to be blessed (and find happiness, peace, and whatever else I need, since those are definitely blessings) is to keep the commandments, no matter what the consequence.

Another idea that I've somehow missed is the thought that those who are faithful in tribulation receive greater rewards. Up until a few moments ago, I was of the opinion that everyone who made it, made it... and there wasn't really a huge distinction after that. Trials and tribulations were, in my mind, simply methods that the Lord uses to give me a better chance to return to Him... the exact same way He uses blessings or talents or relationships with others. I'm not exactly sure what it means that those who are faithful in tribulation receive greater rewards... do they have more knowledge? Are they more committed to living the commandments? I think that, at least in my case, living in tribulation has taught me greater faith and compassion... because I have to have them to survive.

For after much tribulation come the blessings...

My patriarchal blessing says that the Lord has a lot in store for me... which probably means I have a long way to walk before I get there.

Prepare for General Conference.

I don't think that my blog is really worth writing during the next few days. Instead, I'm taking the time to read and listen to each of the sessions from last October's General Conference. It's located here, at LDS.org.

During Conference, you can follow me on Twitter:
Follow @gaymormonguy
Hash tag #ldsconf

Something We All Can Do

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would change in the world. Some things are simple - systems and processes and organizations that don't seem to make any sense in my mind. But others are far too complex to even hope that I could make a difference on my own. A recurring theme is wanting to help people who have the light of the gospel and turn away because their lives are too hard, too painful, too anything... and trying to determine what I can do, and what the world could do, to help them find faith.

If I could write a guidebook for all the members of the Church, or everyone in the world, it would encourage men and women to love one another - to find ways to get to know the hearts of others and to listen to them with open hearts and open ears. It would tell men to pray for others, to talk with them, to offer to be a major part of their lives whether or not something seems wrong. To withhold judgment and honestly care about people, and to care about them regardless of what happens in the end. It would push men to find the good in others and focus on it, instead of boxing them into types or labels or mass prejudices. If it took into account men who struggle with same-sex attraction as well, it would focus on the blessings of living the gospel, and the blessings of keeping the commandments (not simply telling them to get married... or even that their problems would be simply fixed) in the here and now.

But there are so many people in the world... and each of our experiences is so different and dynamic. I could never write a book or manual that would accurately touch on every potential aspect of life over the lives of 100 billion people. And so, anything I wrote would be filled with a thousand things that apply equally to everyone... and yet also have the strength to change the lives of individuals, the power to bring a man from sorrow to joy, from despair to hope, from fear to faith.

And while I could write something that maybe would make a difference in my life, or in the lives of a few people in humanity, I could never really hope to write anything that would either be truly applicable, useful, and personal to individuals in humanity and also make it universally applicable to generations and cultures over the expanse of time. Only someone who truly understands the principles of truth that underlie eternity itself, and can see the complex interaction of those principles in the lives of every person to ever live could do such a thing, could perform such a task.

And that's why God wrote the scriptures.
The scriptures hold the answers to all of life's questions. They reveal the truth of eternities as applied to my life and every life. They open the door to revelation and tune my heart and soul to listen to God Himself... and if I follow all His teachings and realize His plan, I find happiness, peace, hope, and joy, no matter who I am or what trials I face.

...and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The Tenth Leper

Luke 17
12 And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:
13 And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.
14 And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.
15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,
16 And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.
17 And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?
18 There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.
19 And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.

What does it mean to be "made whole," and how is it different from being cleansed? Is it just the spiritual equivalent of being cleansed? It required considerable faith for the ten lepers to be healed of leprosy... does that mean that being made whole requires even greater faith? And how does this apply to my life?

If Christ came to me today, and offered to take away all of my physical trials, I'd be like one of the ten lepers - calling to Him from afar off and asking for His intervention on my behalf. If He healed me, I'm sure I'd be grateful, as the other 9 lepers most definitely were. What made the tenth leper so different? Was it just that He returned to give thanks? Is gratitude such a big part of repentance that our becoming whole is contingent on our ability to give thanks and give the glory to God? And if the true meaning of the parable is the importance of being whole - not simply cleansed - what does that mean to me?

Those are the questions going through my mind as I read this account. I think Christ was trying to illustrate the importance of striving to become whole - spiritually whole - instead of simply asking for relief from the difficulties of life... focusing on the spiritual aspects of imperfection in mortality. And I think that here He shares an interesting message - how key gratitude is in being saved. Being "whole" is often similar in root to being "perfect" - complete, unspotted, righteous in every way. The woman with an issue of blood was declared whole after she put her faith in Christ, as was the tenth leper, and the man who received his sight. All of them did something more than just have the faith to receive physical miracles in their behalf; they had the faith to receive unseen spiritual miracles that far surpassed what could be seen on the surface.

I think that's the miracle that I should always be praying for - not to be freed from trials or tribulations, but the miracle of being able to live and keep the commandments in any situation. Being willing to date, and learning to enjoy it, even though I'm not attracted to women. Coping with attraction to guys and finding ways to ensure the positive side of interactions with them. And being willing to live life and keep moving forward no matter what happens - even if I spend the rest of life alone - and learning to be happy in those circumstances.

I used to think that happiness came as a byproduct of completing a given set of to-do's, among which were finding an eternal companion, having a family, etc... Now I realize that happiness isn't something that comes at the end of mortality or even after I have weathered my trials. It is available today, and tomorrow, and the next day. And I don't have to downgrade my morals to find it. It's available through God.

I obviously can't really talk about what went through their minds without it being conjecture, but I think that's what made the tenth leper different. I think that, if he hadn't been healed, he would have continued to believe in Christ and praise God - and maybe that is what made the difference. He had already found happiness in doing what was right within his ability, and the outward miracle of healing was just that - an outward manifestation to match a greater inward change... and Christ's miracle was an opportunity to invite me, and all those present, to exercise the same faith to be made whole.

Washing Seven Times in the River Jordan

When I struggled most with addictions to pornography, felt worse as a gay mormon than the sludge of the earth, and couldn't even bring myself to pray, inside my heart I still had the wish for a miracle. The wish to be clean... to be made whole... to be normal.

In the scriptures I feel a kinship to many of the people who undergo suffering in life... but perhaps no one more than the lepers - men and women physically cast out of their homes and families because of leprosy. Leprosy in the times of the Jews was viewed almost exactly as homosexuality was by me on my hardest days... and it had almost the exact same effects. An incurable curse of uncleanliness... an unspoken and unspeakable condition that divided me from humanity and feeling loved or understood by mankind. Except that, unlike the lepers, who could be seen and upon whom others could take compassion... no one could ever see my sores... there was no one to share my pain.

In 2 Kings, chapter 5, the scriptures tell the story of a man named Naaman. He was a good man... but he had leprosy... and he was miraculously healed through non-miraculous means.

1 Now Naaman, captain of the host of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master, and honourable, because by him the Lord had given deliverance unto Syria: he was also a mighty man in valour, but he was a leper.
2 And the Syrians had gone out by companies, and had brought away captive out of the land of Israel a little maid; and she waited on Naaman's wife.
3 And she said unto her mistress, Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy.
...
9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.
10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.
13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Someone asked me this week what my solution was. What had I done that had tamed the dragon of homosexual desires and freed me from the draw of pornography and the grasp of addiction? I've tried hundreds of ideas - reading books, writing journal entries, buying good music, getting priesthood blessings, dating, trying to make friends with guys and fix old relationships, and making convoluted deals with myself to reward good behavior and punish bad. But none of them worked. They all seemed to give me some strength, and they all seemed initially to be the answer to my desires... but in the end none of them stuck. I found myself in the same hole as before. And, in reality, the answer was right in front of me all along.

For most of my life, I had the same misunderstanding that Naaman did. Like leprosy was to him, homosexuality seemed to me an unbearable and unusual trial - something that merited an unusual miracle to set me free. I wanted a priesthood blessing that would make me fall in love with a girl, or a set of unique therapeutic techniques that would leave me never wanting to see pornography again. That didn't happen - the same way Elisha didn't come out and strike the spots to make him clean. 

I saw very little success until I tried one last thing - focusing on the basic principles, the Primary answers, of the gospel. And not just focusing on them, but making them into the fabric of my life.

In Preach My Gospel it says that a study of doctrine will change behavior better than a study of behavior will change behavior. In my mind, I visualize my spirituality and ability to keep the commandments as a long line compared to the topics of the gospel. I was on solid ground around my testimony of the Book of Mormon, my belief in the prophet, my commitment to the temple. But where pornography and all its attendant demons lay, there was a massive chasm that stretched down into the abyss itself. 

For a long time, I tried to fill the abyss by throwing rocks in it. I'd pick up a technique like turning off the Internet in my apartment, and toss it in, hoping that it would suddenly cause the chasm to rise. Um... it doesn't take a geologist to tell me that's not going to happen. 

But any kid on the beach can tell you there are two ways to fill, or dig, a hole. 

When you dig a hole in the sand, you dig straight down. But eventually, because the sand relies on other sand laterally to support it, and the undersides are slowly eroded by water exposed by the hole, the sides of the hole collapse in an ever-expanding ring. The same thing happens with many problems in the gospel. Let them grow deeper and deeper, and eventually the problem that was once small will erode away everything. I've known men who bore powerful testimonies as they began to struggle with same-gender attraction... or who were just facing offense in the Church... but who gave in to it and years later told me they didn't even believe in God.

Filling a hole, or building a mountain, works the same way. You can try to build upward, but the higher the sand pile, the larger the area it covers. And because in the gospel it becomes easier to grow the more righteous you are, filling a hole is easier... and makes more sense... by focusing on simply increasing faith that is already there nearby. When I learn and apply principles of the gospel, my faith "spills over" into other areas - because the gospel is related.

Obviously, there were things I had to still focus on. Throwing caution to the wind because I do my scripture study is foolhardy. But it wasn't until I started truly focusing on the "little" things - prayer, scripture study, church activity, serving others, and sharing the gospel - that my demons and my hole of faith began to shrink. But that is how it worked for me. And as my faith has grown, it has set me free.

I'll include a major caveat. I'm not talking about scripture study where I sit down and read for ten minutes before sleeping, or prayers said quickly before bed. Those never had the power to change me. No. I needed much, much more, over a much longer period of time. One of the scriptural meanings of the number seven is "a whole lot." Naaman had to wash a whole lot of times in the river Jordan; I had to do a whole lot to begin to see results from filling my hole of faith. And the results I saw weren't complete and total change, but an increased perspective and faith in the Lord that He would fulfill His promises. Either way, it was worth it. My scripture study was daily, and combined with more time on Sunday translated into literally hours of personal reflection and writing each week - trying to see personal stories and meaning in the scriptures even when it was hard to stay focused. My prayers lasted sometimes for hours - written and spoken and voiced conversations with God on every topic under the sun, learning about Him and His will in my life. It meant that I took personal responsibility for as much as I could in Church, and actively reached out and included others even when I felt left out. I opened my mouth and shared the gospel even when I felt awkward and out of place. 

I think the biggest initial shock and investment was the amount of time that it took to actually live the gospel and do the small things enough to make it work. It took me at least 15 hours each week to do just the basics - earnest prayer, meaningful scripture study, reflection, and journaling - not even counting spontaneous service and missionary opportunities. I found I had to plan out my day and week or I would end up turning down social invitations because I needed to take the time to pray or write or study. But I wanted to change who I was - enough that I was willing to wash in the Jordan as many times as necessary... and over years, slowly, it has changed my life.

Unlike Naaman, however, I'm still washing in the Jordan today... and I'll probably have to wash in it every day for the rest of my life. I still have to worry about the pull of pornography jumping from the shadows, and attraction taking center stage in my mind. I may be attracted to some men for the rest of mortality. But every time I read the scriptures, pray, or turn to the Lord in faith, He strengthens me... and I am that much closer to being the man He sees in me. I'll get there someday. But I'm pretty certain it will take a whole lot more than washing in a river seven times.

Hunger, Thirst, and Other Needs

The lesson in Sunday School was about the Good Samaritan. The teacher was well-prepared, engaging, and able to easily accommodate the classroom, even full to capacity. The lesson progressed as she guided us through the scriptures, interjecting her thoughts and creating an environment of trust.

But, to me, the classroom felt like a prison cell. I felt anxious, frustrated, and almost hungry. And I had no idea why.

The background was factually accurate. The meaning behind each motif in the parable was compelling. Even the final conclusion was dramatic, different from the normal interpretation, and obviously something she had learned only through personal study and preparation. But inside I chafed... and I found myself wondering why I felt so uncomfortable.

Then, as she spoke about her personal experience preparing for the lesson, she said something that caught my attention. She said that she had prayed for greater understanding... and that the Lord had answered her... and that she had finally "got it." And I realized why.

The greatest obstacle that lies before me in understanding greater truths of the gospel... is my belief in my own understanding.

I look at the parable of the Good Samaritan, the story of the woman with an issue of blood, the healings and the miracles of Christ... And the greatest mistake I can make is to believe that I know "why" He did what He did, "why" He taught what He taught, "why" He said what He said... The greatest mistake is to believe that I "get" the gospel... because when I "get" it, I don't bother to ask Him for more.

It's even worse when I haven't even had that experience for myself, but am just going off of someone else's experience. Feasting on the words of Christ does not mean attending a class or opening a commentary and reading about the spiritual experiences of someone else. It does not mean reading a blog about someone's experiences... no matter how fulfilling in whatever situation it may seem to watch someone else feast. Feasting on the words of Christ is a personal endeavor.

But even if I feast, and find a deeper level through personal experience, it's still far too easy to rejoice in having finally "understood it" ... and when I have that experience again, or read the same passage, I already get it... and again I don't ask. I feasted once on the words of Christ. But each subsequent time I pull leftovers out of the fridge and remember how great it once tasted, contenting myself with the memory of food. And I starve.

The great secret to understanding and applying the teachings of Christ - to being able to truly feast on them over and over again - is realizing that I will never, ever, ever truly "get them" or understand their beauty and magnificence... only grow closer with each passing day. Each time I better understand a principle, I am a step closer to God... but the steps are infinite... and I will always be learning. I will never truly understand the law of tithing. Never understand the word of wisdom. Never understand the law of chastity...

I will only be able to grow in that understanding... and I can only grow when I want more. That is the difference between exaltation and salvation. The saved do what is needed. The exalted hunger and thirst for more. They keep climbing, even when they have everything they could dream of.

I looked around at my classroom, and it no longer felt like a prison cell. Yes, the teacher was still telling us of the feast she had experienced... without giving us all the tools and time to have that same experience there. But the Lord is the true Teacher, and He will teach me no matter where I am or what is happening... if I'm willing to listen. I had come to eat and be filled, and the Lord helped me remember and re-learn a principle I needed to know. It was a good experience. Did I finally "get it"? No. I have a long, long ways to go. And lots of learning and steps in between. But I'm closer, and next time He'll teach me something else.

The Widow's Mite... And Mine

 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing...

And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

This story requires some background to truly understand it. In the days of Christ, Israelites were required to pay tithes and make offerings at the temple. Some were freewill offerings, but others were specific sums and sacrifices required of all.

The rich men tossed in plenty of gold, easily surpassing their allotted amount and doing so often with a grand gesture, and ensuring that a large crowd saw them and their righteousness. But the widow, perhaps with her children at her side or watching from the gate of the courtyard, threw in all that she had - perhaps not even enough to pay the tithes required, but it was everything she had. She had come out of duty, and gave all she could. And it was enough in His eyes.

There is a scene from the Joseph Smith film that plays on Temple Square that has always stuck in my mind. Joseph and Emma are looking out into the twilight... and Emma asks, "Do you ever think He asks too much?" Joseph continues looking out, and replies: "I don't allow myself to think that..."

The widow at the temple gave everything she had to the Lord, because He asked her to, the same way that Elijah asked the widow of Zarapheth, the same way the Lord asked Abraham, and the young rich man, and the Prophet Joseph... and me.

So what is my mite - the offering of my entire soul that God asks of me? 

Many people have expressed the sentiment that being gay and a faithful Mormon is too hard. That it is a trial beyond comprehension and impossible to reconcile. That's just the point. The story of the widow's mite, and of life itself, is not about doing things that are easy... but about doing things that are hard. Harder than she, or I, ever thought possible.

He has asked me to be obedient. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy, that means never acting on the carnal urges inside me, but learning to put off the natural man, becoming as a little child - meek, submissive, humble. It means obeying because I have faith in Him, and because I believe that through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel I can be saved.

He has asked me to be patient. To watch friends go on missions, come home, get married, have children, and move on with their lives... when I've never been in love with a girl, and have no idea when that blessing will come. To wonder when people in the world will understand the importance of loving others unconditionally... and to wait and work as I try to share the gospel in my own way.

He has asked me to be humble. To toss away my desire to look good in the eyes of others and ardently embrace the standards of the gospel when, anonymously and in real life, that makes me an easy target for ridicule on every side. To be willing to admit that I don't know everything, and to turn to Him in faith to find the answers to my questions and the questions others ask me.

He has asked me to be loving. To honestly and truly love everyone I meet, and to follow the teachings outlined in the Beatitudes - which in my case sometimes means praying for the anonymous people who send me less-than-positive mail.

You see, the widow was asked to give, but she gave her offering willingly. And in doing so, she received a far better return than she could have achieved any other way. The Lord knew she needed to give up all she had in order to gain the faith for the blessings she needed... and it's the same for me. 

Is it too hard to be gay and Mormon? To live the standards of the gospel and stay true to who I am? In reality, it's impossible. Living the gospel is impossible for everyone... alone. 

And so each day I stand with a choice. I can try to do it alone - to use the intellect and talents the Lord has given me and swim upstream on my own... Or I can take my blessings, my burdens, my trials, and my faith, and cast them into the Lord's treasury... believing that He will from my sacrifice bring forth the blessings of Heaven. He has. He does. And I know He always will.

Why I Believe: The Bible

When I was little I definitely found the Bible intriguing. Its society seemed so incredibly distant from mine, its language totally foreign, its culture and people decidedly odd. Accounts of the Creation of the world, floods that cover the earth, wars between brothers and nations, miracles in the form of frogs and snakes, bread from heaven that turns into worms if you store it on any day but the Sabbath, marching around city walls to knock them down... all mixed in with page after page of genealogical entries, numbering the people, and cartographical references of some faraway place.

I found myself reading for the stories, and skimming everything else. The judges were dull until I read about Samson's feats of strength or Deborah's leadership in battle. 

But as I grew up and had my own problems to face, I found that the Bible, like the Book of Mormon, really did have applicable, personal insights into how to live my everyday life. David's prophetic and poetic psalms that seem to come to mind daily, and the warning intrinsic in his life to beware of sexual sin. The spiritual greatness of Solomon who, when he could have asked for anything, asked for the ability to bless others and help them as their king... and yet another warning in his life against the effects of sexual sin. 

One of the application issues with the Bible is that it can be easily interpreted, or translated, in a gazillion different ways. That means that referencing it without a common base of interpretation or a common authority is not incredibly helpful in discussions. Take the debate on homosexual sin. Bible scholars who have read the manuscripts in their many languages bicker over word choices, projecting their own logic into the text and trying to prove their point - on both sides. As soon as one brings up Sodom and Gomorrah, the Law of Moses, apostolic references as supporting evidence... the other side shows their own private interpretation... and vice versa. And since both are interpreting the scriptures within the imperfect frame they have - the literal translation from one archaic language to a modern one - there is no way to know which is right without choosing to accept the assumptions they make... or appealing to a greater authority. The Lord gave living authorities - prophets - to interpret His will for the welfare of mankind, and much of the New Testament is the story of the apostles trying desperately to rein in false doctrine and misinterpretation of sacred texts. Today, there are modern prophets, and thankfully, they're pretty direct in their statements and their application of the Bible to life.

Today the Bible continues to be a strength to me - one of the doors on which I can knock to speak with God. In its pages God helps me find direction, strength to overcome my temptations, and He helps me see who I really am. I'm not a gay Mormon guy - at least not in His eyes. In His eyes, I'm His son. I can feel that, and it blesses my life. And that's why I believe.

Why I Believe: The Book of Mormon

There's a new show on Broadway called "The Book of Mormon - the Musical." It was written by a group of men who triumphantly proclaim their distaste for religion through endless sarcasm and obscenity, and its scenes are touted as ridiculing not only Latter-day Saint theology, but the beliefs and faith of religion as a whole.

The musical, which loosely follows the story of two missionaries serving in Uganda, has been heralded by the media as pushing Broadway to new heights of obscenity, profanity, and vulgarity. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be positive. I don't think the message of the musical is positive at all.

I'm not even sure if the writers of the musical ever read the Book of Mormon.

If they did, they didn't get it.

In a world that seems constantly headed for disaster - whether international financial crisis, nuclear catastrophe, international power struggles, or all-out war - people need the hope and peace the gospel brings. They need to know that the Book of Mormon, like the Bible, contains principles of truth that can improve our lives, help us find perspective, and bring us closer to God.

The Book of Mormon has changed my life. It has answered my prayers, taught me truth, opened my heart to others, inspired me to greater heights, dried my tears, and pushed me to serve my fellow men.

That's the secret of the Book of Mormon. It's not that the stories are cool about Ammon chopping off arms or Nephi and Lehi surrounded by divine flames... it's because, with each story, there is a parallel to my life - a principle that I can apply to become a better man. 

Nephi teaches me obedience - I will go and do what the Lord has commanded me, for I know He has prepared a way. Being attracted to guys/having ssa/sga/gay in a family-oriented Church means that sometimes I'm the exception to the rule. But just because marriage is a lot less simple doesn't mean that the commandments change. They don't - and as I forge ahead in my life, sometimes I feel like Nephi - not knowing beforehand whither I should go... but knowing that God loves His children and will be involved in my life.

Alma teaches faith. When I was younger, I knew that God loved me. But I didn't know how I could believe it when looking at my life. I have a desire to believe... and from that desire grew my faith. Today I have faith that, no matter what happens in my life, if I am doing what is right, all things will work together for my good.

King Benjamin teaches service. I find that service - especially unannounced, unspoken, anonymous service - warms my soul and gives me incredible peace. There's nothing better than doing things for others without getting any physical blessings in return. And I find that it helps me organize my life and resist temptation better. Cool.

Ammon and his brothers teach diligence. They went among the Lamanites to preach the gospel, were cast into prison, and continued with faith. When I'm having a rough day, and I wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile, I think back to my own conversion to the gospel... and feel the joy it has brought to me. And that gives me the strength to keep moving forward.

Moroni teaches passion. His fiery letter to Pahoran, his march to oust the king-men and his making of the title of liberty are solid proofs of his zeal in the gospel. If all men were like unto Moroni, the powers of Hell would be shaken... as Satan would not have power to tempt any man. I sometimes think I take after Moroni. Usually I'm pretty cool-headed. But inside I'm hot with passion for the gospel and its principles. And nothing pushes me to action faster than when they are under attack.

Mormon teaches the importance of keeping a record. It's nice to have spiritual experiences, or to learn from the hand of the Lord. But with those experiences comes the responsibility to share what I've learned with others. The Lord commands all men to write and keep a record of His hand in their lives... and that applies to me... and with that record I can share my testimony that God lives and is actively a part of my life.

And Moroni teaches of the importance of having my own personal experiences. The Prophet Joseph taught that a man could learn more from gazing 5 minutes into Heaven than by reading every book ever written on the subject. Reading the scriptures isn't enough for me. I need to have personal experiences - to ask God sincerely if they are true, as Moroni encourages, and to seek the Lord in all things. And it's been true in my life. The Book of Mormon is just a starting point, from which the Lord teaches me more about who I am and my eternal destiny.

Reading the Book of Mormon, and abiding by its precepts, will bring a man nearer to God than will any other book. I've seen that. It has changed me, and continues to change me each day. The Book of Mormon is the word of God and a doorway to receiving revelations from Him. And that's why I believe.

Living Close

The flowers outside the Provo temple are blooming. Looking out the west entrance, sprays of who-knows-what kind of colored blossoms dot the ground. But looking back toward the temple, at the rows closest to the temple walls, a strange phenomenon presents itself. Everywhere else on the temple grounds, the plants are randomly in bloom, with a few small blossoms surrounded by masses of still-undeveloped foliage. But in the rows closest to the temple, every flower is in full bloom. Even the tiny daffodils are open - the only ones blooming anywhere - and the ornamental grasses are twice as tall when compared to those bordering the walkway.

Amazingly, though, it is only the first two rows that show benefit from closeness. By the time you reach the third row, which is only maybe 5 feet from the temple walls, the plants act just like those in any other row - sporadic blooms and plenty of underdeveloped green. Only the very close ones exhibit the spectacular growth.

The flowers closest to the temple get approximately the same amount of light compared to those two rows away. They get the same amount of water, the same fertilizer, and were planted at the same time with the same size plants. So what is the secret to their success? Living close to the temple.

The temple is the house of the Lord. But in addition to having an abundance of His Spirit, it also always has people coming and going. The last shift of the night ends and the cleaning crews arrive, and the last cleaner leaves shortly after the temple presidency arrives in the morning. Because of that, the temple is always heated... and that heat radiates out through the stone walls and foundation, warming a thin layer of soil about 5 feet wide. Plants growing in this soil have an added support against freezing weather and changing weather patterns. Year after year, the constant warmth of the temple ensures that the plants closest to the temple are the strongest.

Looking at my life, the times when I live close to God are the times when, somehow, my problems seem easier to bear. Doing the right things, and seeing the fruits of my faith, seems easier, and I find myself wanting to read the scriptures, serve others, share the gospel, pray... The trials of life seem to melt away - I rarely find myself depressed, and temptations seem simple to overcome.

But just being there isn't enough. I have to be close to God. And, for me, that makes all the difference.

I can't just read my scriptures and expect to see visions and receive revelation for my life. I have to study, search, ponder, and apply them in my life... which usually takes much more time than 5 minutes before I fall asleep.

I can't say a quick prayer at all the right times and expect to have an intimate relationship with God. I have to plead with Him, understand His will, and listen and watch for answers all around me.

Living the gospel is great. Most of the flowers on the temple grounds will eventually bloom and look beautiful. Many of God's children will eventually acknowledge Him and turn to Him. But I want something better. I want to thrive here on Earth - to revel in the glories of life even while the storm is raging. I'm a (gay) Mormon guy with lots of problems. For me, living life on the outer edges of the gospel, according to the letter of the law, isn't enough. If I want to truly feel the power and influence that God can have in my life, I have to live close.

Being a Christian

Last night at the CES Fireside - a meeting for young adults in the Church, Elder Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke about the importance of helping the world return to the basics of Christianity. The opening and closing songs were "Onward Christian Soldiers" and "Let Us All Press On" - both incredible songs that make my heart race.

As he spoke, I found myself comparing his message to the world I live in. In recent years, the world leaders of Christianity have watched as the world has become more and more permissive, obscene, and dishonest. The laws of broadcast decency have stretched and broken; Christian morals that used to be a basic tenet of society are now called into question on their standing for the public field. Men and women fought on battlefields hundreds of years ago for the right to live their faith - today they fight each other in courtrooms for the right to live without it.

So what can I do? I look at my life - my blog, my family, my colleagues and friends. Except for blog readers, almost everyone I know is Christian. And so the way that I can help them is by sharing the testimony that I have of Christ and His grace in my life. By reminding them of the simple things in life that give us our connection with God. Praying sincerely and honestly. Studying the Holy Scriptures daily. Serving others daily. And turning to God in times of joy and sorrow.

I'm a gay Mormon guy. There are a lot of people who think I'd be happier, better off, and more fulfilled if I were openly gay. But I'm not. And I don't believe what other people tell me. I believe what God tells me and what I can reason with the intellect He has given me. I believe Christ when He promises that He has overcome the world and all the trials I face. As I follow His commandments, He gives me incredible happiness. He gives me peace and hope. It's worth any price. And, someday, when my time on earth is complete, He will make me into a better man than I could ever do alone. By His grace, I will be saved. And that's why I'm a Christian.

Seven Truths I've Learned (From Being a Gay Mormon)

1. God really does answer my prayers.

I used to believe that God wasn't really all-powerful. Not in those words, but I didn't fully believe that just turning to Him could really ease the pain in my life. I've realized that sincere prayer often does more to help me feel loved, understood, valued, and inspired than anything else. I can honestly say that God is my friend; hopefully someday I can also say that I am His.

2. Modern prophets and others receive revelation on my behalf

I love sitting in General Conference or another meeting with my notes out in front of me, the questions I've recently pondered written at the top of the page... and then listening as speaker after speaker explains the Lord's will as if He were speaking directly to me. I sometimes wonder if God spends too much time listening and responding to me as one gay Mormon guy... but then I realize that He can and will do the same for everyone. That's pretty cool.

3. The little things make a big difference

People talk about the importance of studying the scriptures daily, having daily prayer, going to Church... but a huge number of people have trouble actually doing the little things. I've realized that holding on to the word of God is important. When I have the world and my inner demons pulling as hard as they can, I have to do everything possible to stay attached to the gospel.

4. I am the ruler of my destiny

A whole lot of people may say that I am born the way I am and that I can't change. But not being able to change doesn't determine my destiny. Blind men have won Olympic medals. Deaf men have written symphonies. And gay men have fallen madly in love with a woman, married, had children, and lived happily ever after. It takes a whole lot of work. More work than most people think is possible or reasonable. But, with God, all good things are possible. With Him, I can do anything. I'm the ruler of my destiny.

5. I can affect the world

Sometimes I look at the things I do in life - work, free time, social life - and muse about their impact on the world. Honestly, most of what I do doesn't have a huge effect. But when I find a way to lift someone - to inspire them, or to light their eyes with truth, then I realize deep inside that I can affect the world in a meaningful way.

6. Everything works together for the good of them that love and serve God

There have been times when I wanted to die. Literally. But when I turned to God and explained my pain, He always took it away and gave me the injunction to serve others. And as I found ways to serve them, I felt hope. Today I look back on my life, with being Mormon and gay, and can see the hand of God in everything. There are things I've learned from this that I couldn't learn any other way. And, as long as I'm faithful to the end, it will all work out.

7. Life is good

Happiness is partially a choice. I can think optimistically, see the good in the world and others, and try to be up all the time. But happiness is also a gift from God - like it explains at the end of Mosiah 2. "Keep[ing] the commandments of God" is the key to being happy. As long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters.


As an afterthought, I am still sort of uncomfortable calling myself a gay Mormon. If you search for gay Mormons on Google you normally get a lot of people who don't fully believe what the Church teaches - they aren't fully believing Mormons. And the word gay is sometimes used to describe someone who engages in homosexual activities and sometimes used to describe same-sex attraction. In both cases I usually try to be more articulate in my word choice. But my choice has backfired, as I got a message from Google that my blog's main keyword was "Christmas." Hence the rebranding effort.

Chemical Cycles, Depression, Anxiety, Temptation...

I can always tell when I'm slipping in my writing skills - the follower count goes readily down as people realize they don't want to see me in their feed reader anymore. Hopefully with time I'll get better.

This morning I woke up and felt like life was awesome. Within an hour I felt like the world was going to fall in on me. Two hours later, I was on top of the world again, and then another hour and I wanted time just to go away. The next 4 hours were awesome, then followed by the worst low of the day yet, followed an hour later by the greatest high - right now.

What is interesting is how incredibly reactive the pattern seems to be, based on outside forces and their impact on hormones & chemicals throughout the day.

At first I felt awesome, in part, because I was planning to see some friends and exercise this morning. The plans fell through, and I found myself with way too much adrenaline, high hopes, and a high sugar level, and nothing to use it up, which contributed to the subsequent down. The down went away as I began concentrating on a major project early in the day, and two hours later I had hit completion and had instant positive feedback. Then an hour later I felt like I again had too much energy to spare, so I dove into another project, and that one lasted until late in the day. I has major plans for tonight that fell through at the last minute, and I found myself, shortly after dinner, with another adrenaline high, loaded with tons of energy, high hopes, no social life, and no backup plans. So I went to the gym and killed myself, called a friend to talk, and now I feel amazing.

I know that my brain doesn't always follow cycles, but I was cognizant of them today. And since anxiety, depression, and temptation are often based in real, actual, tangible, physical feelings, at least in my case, and the physical body and mind regulate through positive and negative chemical feedback loops... It stands to reason that their results - physical feelings, whether good or bad - are regulated somewhat by those same chemical interactions.

Some of you will probably say, "Duh!" - I mean, if it affects one part of your body, it will affect every part of your body, since it is a complex, synergistic system that has feedback loops going all over the place. And, in extreme cases, we intervene with the cycles with pain medication and antidepressants. But I've never stopped to think about how all of my actions are influences on my feelings, including my feelings of temptation and depression. I think it would be a massive jump to say that self-induced chemical responses could completely control feelings, but looking back at today and the rest of my life, the concept seems way too applicable to be untrue.

On the days that I exercise, pheromones flood my bloodstream, helping to life the veil of depression ever so slightly. At the same time, it frees up energy and unless I find a mental pursuit, temptation strikes. Eating throughout the day moderates sugar highs and the lows that follow, and eating healthily motivates me to do more physical activity. When my mind is focused on a compelling idea, temptation completely disappears. And when I am completely and totally engulfed in physical and mental training - like a physical/mental boot camp I once did - temptations may appear but they don't take root unless I give them time during the wind-down at the end of the day.

That thought puts an even greater emphasis on the importance of doing the little things to better life. Taking time to exercise. Eating healthily, always, without exception - to give my body the best nutrition in the form it needs. Engaging my spirit and mind through scripture study, prayer, meditation, and compelling mental challenges. And interacting socially, even if it means going out of my comfort zone, getting outside, calling a family member or looking up an old friend.

It may not make a huge difference in my life, but I think I am going to try to regulate some of the more apparent cycles in my life... and see how they impact living with my trials. I guess that's one reason to remember to eat breakfast tomorrow.

Deepening Faith: the 11th Day of Christmas

I have some amazing friends who do some pretty cool stuff for the Church. I had a chance to talk with two tonight. They don't work together... But both mentioned recently thinking about core principles in helping others grow... and both had come to the realization I had on Sunday morning - that, in order to help others grow or overcome their trials, we help them deepen their faith in Jesus Christ and develop a greater relationship with God.

I thought it was amazing that both men echoed the same thoughts, across fields, callings, and experiences in life... and amazing that I had heard it twice before. Once on Sunday... and once again just a few days ago. 

I have another good friend who is a General leader in the Church. He's crazy busy, but I visited him this last week and we took time to talk about life in the months since we had seen each other. He talked about his responsibilities, and then we started talking about our shared passion - people, and understanding how to help them grow. As he spoke, I thought about this blog, the struggle I face, and all the issues that surround it. Was there a common theme that I could glean from his experiences working in the councils of the Church? The theme I saw in our conversation was the importance of suiting gospel teaching to the individual... focusing on the good and letting it overshadow and overpower the evil... and how do we accomplish that? By teaching nothing but faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and repentance on His name... and allowing the Spirit to give light and speak according to the understanding of those we love.

That is the answer. And it's what helped me to stay alive. When I felt like life was going to end... when depression, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, pain, and everything else were at their height... how did I survive? I placed my faith in God, deepened my commitment to Him, and as my faith grew, it washed over to help ease my pain. That's how reading the scriptures could help me conquer addiction, and how improving my prayers helped with depression. Better quality temple worship made me a better friend... and finding ways to serve my fellow men gave me hope when days were dark with pain. As I focused on improving my faith where I could, it made up the difference and gave me strength to grow in areas once impossible.

And I moved on... and as my faith has grown, my ability to weather the trials of life has increased. Depression that used to incapacitate me for days now opens a door... and I visit family members or find something positive to do. Feelings of attraction for a guy push me to talk to him and see him as a person instead of an object. And questions for God... before sent to the Heavens without seeming responses, are now often answered in the very moment I pray, or, at most, long before I can ask another mortal.

That's the theme behind every email I send, too... and it feels like it is the theme in every mortal life. It's all just finding ways to increase faith most - finding what will have the greatest impact and moving forward there. It's not discounting the problem, but focusing on faith... and allowing the deepening power of faith to flow in and solve the insolvable, fix the unfixable, and explain the unexplainable. Faith is pretty awesome.

Begging For Peace... Faith... Love

"Are we not all beggars?"

I was listening to the first chapters of Mosiah this morning, and King Benjamin's words blew me away. This man was beyond incredible, and had such an awesome understating of the teachings of God and how they apply to others. In four short chapters, he speaks with such power and spirit that every person in the sound of his voice turned to God, covenanted with Him to keep
His commandments, and never turned away from the truth.

His oration seemed this morning to apply even more greatly to me... I'd suggest reading it all, from the end of Mosiah 2 through Mosiah 5... But I wanted to share a few verse that really hit me... I apologize if this sounds overly preachy to those of you who aren't Mormon... But here are some verses, some with my own changes.

Mosiah 2:41 - And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

Mosiah 4:16-23 -

16 And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance [knowledge and faith] unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish [physically or spiritually].

17 Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery [or his pride, his anger, or his unwillingness to believe in God]; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance [or share my faith, or open my heart to him] that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just --

18 But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God.

19 For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind [do we not rely on Him for our personal salvation, the knowledge that we have, our faith, our hope, our peace, and everything we have]?

20 And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your sins [peace, and understanding]. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.

21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another [whether it be physical, spiritual, social, or emotional].

22 And if ye judge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance [or faith or support in becoming a better man] that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your condemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life belongeth; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.

23 I say unto you, wo be unto that man, for his substance [and his faith] shall perish with him; and now, I say these things unto those who are rich as pertaining to the things of this world... [and I make reference to faith and hope and peace - greater treasures which are not of this world].

I need to just be open, kind, and honest with others, not judge them, and move forward with faith. And the Lord will bless me. Everything will work out in the end.

I know. I'm crazy. But at least I'm not bad crazy.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I wanted to find a way to put the scriptures on an .mp3 player and take them with me wherever I go. Well, I finally did it. And today while lifting weights I listened to the entire Book of Mormon. (Tomorrow I'll start Ether) I know I'm crazy. But I have to be crazy. It's the only way I stay spiritually safe in the face of trials.

As I looked around me at the gym, I wondered what everyone else was listening to... and realized that I had absolutely no clue. Maybe they're listening to Chopin or Beethoven, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, or the scriptures. Or maybe just whatever workout songs are playing over and over in their heads.

And I realized how easy it is to judge people by their outward appearances. Anyone who saw me wouldn't guess that I'm listening to Moroni tell a story of destruction... Just as sometimes I look at people around me and instantly type them by what I can see on the surface. It's not a bad thing unless I'm unwilling to learn more - to break the type cast and become a friend. Maybe the person who is overly quiet in Church meetings is learning something amazing from the Lord. Who am I to judge another? "Judge not unrighteously... For with that judgment with which ye judge, so also shall ye be judged."

Scripture Power!

... keeps me safe from sin.

I love Primary songs.

The first time I heard the song "Scripture Power" was years after I had graduated from Primary. Someone had asked me to come help set up chairs in the chapel, and I overheard the children in my ward singing as they prepared for the Primary program a few days later. The words of the song were incredibly compelling and have stayed with me since then.

Because I want to be like the Savior and I can,
I'm reading His instructions, I'm following His plan.
Because I want the power His word will give to me,
I'm changing how I live; I'm changing what I'll be.

Scripture power! Keeps me safe from sin
Scripture power! It's the power to win
Scripture power! Every day I need
the power that I get each time I read.

I'll find the sword of truth in each scripture that I learn.
I'll take the shield of faith from these pages that I turn.
I'll wear each vital part of the armor of the Lord,
And fight my daily battles, and win a great reward.

Scripture power! Keeps me safe from sin

Scripture power! It's the power to win

Scripture power! Every day I need 

the power that I get each time I read.

(Scripture Power, Copyright 2004 Clive Romney. All rights reserved. 

This song may be copied for incidental, noncommercial home, or church use. 

This notice must be included on each copy made.)

In the last few months I've found greater meaning in my personal commitment to read the scriptures (especially the Book of Mormon) every single day without fail. And the strength it has given me is amazing. I feel uplifted, guided, and loved when I am reading them. And, somehow, I feel that what the prophets wrote thousands of years ago... was written for me, in my life - even the part of me that's attracted to guys. In the light of the scriptures, everything becomes possible. Yes, it's hard to live a faithful life, keep the hope that God will fulfill His promises to help me have an eternal family, and deal with constant issues each day... but it's possible. And, with the perspective of the scriptures, it's also possible to be happy while doing it.

I don't always find the time to read for half an hour, or even 20 minutes. But I find time to read, no matter what. If I get home and it's 1:30 in the morning, I take the time to read my scriptures. My secret? Every time the Lord reminds me to read my scriptures, I stop whatever I am doing. Every single time. No matter what. It doesn't matter if I am exhausted or already in bed or at work or whatever. I go read my scriptures. And the scriptures are a part of who I am.

I ask the Lord to help me remember, and He does. I take them with me in the morning and sometimes there is a lull in the frantic pace of my life - and I read under a tree or in my car. I get to the temple and there's a wait, so I read while waiting. It has become easier with time to find / make time to read.

It almost sounds odd that just reading the scriptures can bring happiness when life is hard. But that's what they do for me. They fill me with a sense of peace and hope - and the fear and anxiety that surround my trials disappear. They give me perspective, and open my mind to true revelation from God. Reading the scriptures, every single day, is worth it. The power that they bring is worth losing another 30 minutes of sleep, being late on homework (or sometimes late to work), or even missing part of a conversation with friends or family. Reading the scriptures each day is worth more than anything else I could be doing...  Scripture Power - every day I need the power that I get each time I read.

Spiritual Resources in Overcoming Temptation, part 1

These are the heavy-hitters. Sometimes I try to get by relying on physical or intellectual tricks, but ultimately they end up failing. Spiritual resources, on the other hand, have never failed me. They may not make my trials and temptations go away, but they give me the strength to overcome them, and the perspective to be happy even in the midst.

Scripture study is way more than just reading the scriptures at night before I go to sleep. It's a dedicated study of the scriptures - and requires time, effort, and planning. I have to think about what I'm going to study, or else my study isn't really effective. I find that when I study with the intent to teach others - to help others apply the scriptures in their lives, then it becomes most effective. Whatever I'm studying, I try to read the Book of Mormon every day.

Fasting is another powerful tool - one that helps me realize that I can overcome my physical temptations. Sometimes I just fast during Fast Sunday; sometimes I fast for a few days in the middle of the week. Going without food and water helps me to turn to the Lord - every time I think about eating, I think about God and ask Him to help me in whatever I need to accomplish. The blessings of fasting are amazing - I feel a strength way beyond anything that just going without food could accomplish. It also helps me think more about other people - the people in the world who are starving and suffering. That puts my trials into perspective.

Worship at the temple is essential, at least once a week in my case. I need to talk with God on a frequent basis, and at the temple, amidst the peace and quiet, when I have dedicated a few hours of my time, I find it easier to focus my thoughts and listen to the voice of the Spirit. It's in the temple that I regain my hope and perspective, that I'm able to see how my trials and struggles fit into the Plan that God created for me. I walk in, and may feel awful... but as I walk out, the only thing I can feel is the love that God has for me... and peace that it will all work out in the end if I am faithful.

To be continued

Scripture Power

I was reading my scriptures this morning and realized how amazing it is that stories and parables seem to change to fit my needs as time goes on. Recently this blog has begun to color my study of the scriptures, and I feel a kinship with Ammon and his brothers, going on a mission to share the gospel with their brethren, and with Alma the younger as he prays for relief from the burden of his sins. I can see how turning to the Lord changes hearts and heals souls, and I watch in awe and wonder as the voice of one repentant man leads to the conversion of an entire nation.


The scriptures have an amazing power to change lives. When I want to find guidance from the Lord, I turn to the scriptures and He speaks to me. When I'm struggling the most and the sky is black, I turn to the scriptures and the clouds begin to clear. Yes, sometimes it takes all I can do to simply sit in one place and read. And there are plenty of pages where teardrops have mixed with colored pencil underlines. But, as I read, the Lord gives me strength. Life may not get easier. I really don't think it ever will. But, as I feast on the words of Christ, and turn my life over to God, He makes it possible to live and grow each day.