I was reading my scriptures this morning and realized how amazing it is that stories and parables seem to change to fit my needs as time goes on. Recently this blog has begun to color my study of the scriptures, and I feel a kinship with Ammon and his brothers, going on a mission to share the gospel with their brethren, and with Alma the younger as he prays for relief from the burden of his sins. I can see how turning to the Lord changes hearts and heals souls, and I watch in awe and wonder as the voice of one repentant man leads to the conversion of an entire nation.
The scriptures have an amazing power to change lives. When I want to find guidance from the Lord, I turn to the scriptures and He speaks to me. When I'm struggling the most and the sky is black, I turn to the scriptures and the clouds begin to clear. Yes, sometimes it takes all I can do to simply sit in one place and read. And there are plenty of pages where teardrops have mixed with colored pencil underlines. But, as I read, the Lord gives me strength. Life may not get easier. I really don't think it ever will. But, as I feast on the words of Christ, and turn my life over to God, He makes it possible to live and grow each day.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Tuesday, August 10
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I've found that reading my scriptures every morning is helping improve my grades, but has also made me happier in general. I find myself to be more confidant, outgoing, and more likely to have a happy song stuck in my head all day.
ReplyDeleteOn days when I forget, things just don't go nearly as well, and I started slipping into depressing thoughts, like wondering what my ex-fiancée would be doing right now...
So it's better to see what Alma was up to, than to dwell on things I can't fix.
I found your blog less than an hour ago and just can't stop reading. I keep wanting to comment with my story and this seems like the post to do it:) it's a really amazing story but I'm not a great writer so I probably won't do it justice.
ReplyDeleteAt 13 I started feeling same sex attractions but denied it. I knew it was wrong and didn't want to admit to myself they existed. I pretended to like girls even kissed a few jut to go home so depressed because I felt nothing. I wanted to like these girls but I just couldn't I would sit in a dark room wondering why me for hours. I didn't believe I could keep going knowing what I was feeling was a crime against nature. I hadn't felt the spirit in months I quit reading scriptures and praying because nothing worked for me. I thought I would have to struggle through this forever. All I get wanted was a wife and kids. To be able to truly love them.
About a year Ago during our stake conference our stake presidency promised us if we read the book of Mormon everyday any righteous desire of our heart would be granted at this moment I knew this promise was made for me I felt the spirit so strong. For some reason it took me months to actually pick up the book of Mormon. I've been a member all my life and never read it cover to cover. After they spoke I told myself I'd never miss another day. I don't know why I didn't start reading that day like I promised myself I would so I just kept struggling. Life was a battle and I was losing. I never acted on my attractions but life was hard as I'm sure you know. In time I couldn't stop thinking ofthe stake presidencies promise from months before. But I didn't feel worthy to read. I just felt guilty all the time. I would lay there wishing I could change. I finally decided if this promise has any potential of actually working why am I not trying it. The week after I started reading things got better. Little things started to change. My relationship with my dad got better. I had guys I could just be bros with. I started to feel the spirit and I started to feel happy. I didn't see how huge of a blessing these little things were until I started to notice girls. It's amazing. For the first time in my life I see girls and I like them. I can honestly say I have a crush on a girl. The scriptures are true. I know it with all of my heart and when we listen to the guidance of our leaders we can be given true happiness. It's still a struggle everyday but the small feelings that are growing make every day worth it.:)