There are times when I feel totally and completely alone, even in the Church. When someone makes a joke in Elder's Quorum that he isn't married yet at 27 because he's gay. When my last mission companion, who I trained, gets married and begins to start his own family. When I try to ask a girl on a date because I know I should, and then get turned down seven times in a row, by seven different girls... and then spend Friday night alone in my room with unused concert tickets, wondering what's wrong with me. When I finally do go on dates, and the girl begins to wonder when I never hold her hand. And when I talk with others and no one seems to understand.
When I'm totally and completely alone, when I feel depressed and like life has me cornered, I turn to God. And He gives me peace. He doesn't take away my temptations, or the trials, or the struggles, or the heartache. He doesn't make me suddenly fall in love with a girl. But He lets me know that He loves me, and that I'm trying to do what's right. And that is enough to strengthen my faith to move forward.
As time has gone on, my relationship with God has improved. In the beginning, I was afraid to talk with Him - afraid that He would rebuke me for the things I had done... But God isn't like that. He does everything in His power to help me to repent - to get back on the right path - and He is always there for me. Whether it's taking a test and asking for help in studying beforehand, or asking for help in finding the right person to date (that works sometimes, but I haven't found an eternal mate just yet), or just asking to know that He loves me, God hears and answers my prayers.
Even when the world seems turned upside-down, when no one seems to understand, I can turn to God, to the Bible and the Book of Mormon, to the things I know are true. Maybe I'll find someone to spend eternity with in the near future. Maybe I'll have to wait a long time. Either way, God is with me. With Him at my side, I'm not alone.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Wednesday, August 18
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While reading this I thought about Elder Holland's talk a couple of conferences ago on Angels and the good people that influence our daily lives, often without even realizing it.
ReplyDeleteAnon: I agree with your thought. There are so many times that the Lord has saved me from myself by having someone call me out of the blue, or knock on my door, or send me a text message. People change us for the better, simply by being a part of our lives.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful turn of events will take place on this blog (& in your life;) when the Lord will help you find your eternal companion & "fall in love". The Lord always keeps His promises and never lies .
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of another Elder Holland talk "None Were With Him" from April 2009. That talk is one that gives me comfort when I am feeling lonely. I am impressed with the relationship you have with God. That's something that definitely takes work and that I am slowly working on myself. Thanks for sharing.
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