Overcoming an attraction to guys, in the world, is a controversial subject. Partly because of the nature of our culture, we never hear success stories. Those who do succeed in overcoming same-sex attraction do it quietly, without fanfare or recognition, while those who fail, fail openly and spectacularly. And the question still stands if it is even possible to overcome at all.
The issue comes to play in two things in life - marriage and the hope of someday being free. I don't know what goes through the minds of men who still struggle and find a girl to marry. I don't know if they are physically attracted to them, or if the relationship is completely platonic, or if they were somehow able to be free of their attraction before marriage. But I do know that, when they make that decision, they make a sacred covenant to stay true and loyal to their wives. And, if they will do everything they can, Lord will bless them and give them the strength to keep their covenants. I think the issue comes when men see marriage as the cure - hoping that, somehow, being married and having a family will fix their problem. The Brethren have spoken about people who struggle with same-sex attraction... and they do not suggest marriage as a form of therapy. Probably because it doesn't work. Marriage is the most sacred covenant we make - and beginning a covenant on a contingency basis is not acceptable. Simply not being attracted to your spouse is not grounds to break it, formally or covertly.
The Brethren also referenced the fact that some people will not have the opportunity to be happily married in this life... and that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. There is nothing more that I want than to have a family. A wife that I love, children I can teach and lead. There is nothing more that I want to be free. And the thought that it could bar me from marriage in this life is devastating, especially when I look at how it could impact my current family. Most other factors that affect marriage are clearly visible. Complete paralysis or mental disability enable family members and others to understand and sympathize. But same-sex attraction is a silent, personal struggle... and one that, in many cases, stays completely silent. I've never told anyone in my family about my struggle. Which means that when they look at me and set me up with girls, they can't understand why I can't keep a girlfriend. They can't understand why I'm not married like my cousins and siblings and mission companions. And so my struggle is completely and totally alone.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I hope that someday the Lord will work a miracle in my life, and I will fall in love with a righteous young woman and we'll be married in the Temple. I hope that I'll be attracted to her in every way and that we'll be able to be united in everything we do and raise a righteous family in the gospel. I hope that someday I will grow strong enough, and learn the lessons I need, so that I can be completely free of temptation and walk in righteousness for the rest of my life. And I have faith that God can do that - that He can work miracles in my life.
But if that doesn't happen, then I will still be faithful. If therapy never works, then I will still resist temptation. If I never fall in love, then I will still do my part to lift and teach the rising generation. And if I am never free of my attraction to men, then I will still stand faithfully in my place, living the principles of the gospel that I know are true. Why? Because it will always be worth it. It will be hard, but God will give me strength to overcome. Wisdom to grow, and the ability to be happy in my journey in life, no matter what my circumstances. I will be faithful, and because of that, I know what the future holds. Perhaps I will have to wait until after this life to be happily married. Perhaps my attraction to men will only go away when I have proven myself to be worthy, all the days of my life. But, no matter what happens, when this life ends I will rise in the Resurrection, free, clean, full of strength and knowledge and with a family of my own. And I will look at the Savior and He will say to me, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter into the rest of Thy Lord."
The future is as bright as my faith.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Tuesday, August 3
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First thing I want to do is compliment you for this great idea and also to tell you are a great writer. The way you express your emotions make people relate to your story, you make me want to love other people much more, accept my struggles and try to find a better way to deal with them. I also greatly feel the Spirit when I read your posts.
ReplyDeleteAbout the opportunity to be happily married in this life, it's true that it doesn't happen to everyone. I see great girlfriends who are growing older without the opportunity to have a family, and I had myself a marriage that ended because of adultery. This world would be a much better place if every guy was half as strong and determined to resist temptation as you are and if they all had testimonies like yours! You fill my heart with hope!!
I know that when the time comes (in this or the next life) you will get a great eternal companion, beautiful and brave like you. Someone you will not only respect, but you'll be attracted to and love with all your heart (and be loved in the same proportion!). Keep pressing forward and count on me as a friend if you ever need!!
These posts where you testify of enduring and living your life in faith - no matter what the cost -- are leaving me with tears in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI have been and am still in your shoes ever since I was little. When I was 19 I met a wonderful young lady. She made me laugh and she made me grow up. She knew of my problems but still loved me. We got married and now 5 years later have 3 kids. I still struggle with SSA and the focus of having a wife and beautiful children doesn't make the temptations and longings go away. But I am happy. And the Lord still blesses me every day. Whatever your journey is, you can do anything with the Lord's help. I wish that my past could have shown strength like yours. You are inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm reading this ages after the post was made, but I just found your blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing and setting such an incredible example. I joined the church in college (only 5 years ago) and have since retained many, many friends who are not LDS. The topic of SSA is always one I struggle with explaining. I know that avoiding the temptation is the ideal route God would have us take, but I have never experienced this trial for myself; your words were very powerful. Again, thank you for sharing!