When I was younger I wanted to grow up to be perfect. I thought that if I could just overcome each of my temptations, one by one, I could accomplish my dream. There really wasn't a lot to overcome, anyway... right? I already lived the Word of Wisdom, never swore, read my scriptures, prayed; I thought I did almost everything right. But there were some things that kept coming back - feeling better than the people around me, for example, or simply not following the counsel that the Spirit gave in my life.
Time went on and the challenges I faced changed - presenting new obstacles to overcome. I realized that becoming perfect wasn't as simple as fixing the problems in life - because fixing each problem often reveals another level of achievement that can be attained. And I kept making tons of mistakes, in everything. Amid the changing temptations in different circumstances, my attraction to guys has been a constant companion. And mistakes in that arena can easily push me into depression or absolute despair.
I haven't made perfection yet. I still make mistakes, and there are days when Satan tries to convince me that I'll never be good enough to return to God. But I've realized that looking forward is more important than looking back. Satan wants me to dwell on the bad things I've done; he tries to convince me that I can never change or that God won't hear my prayers. All of that is bogus. Christ completed the Atonement for me - as a sinner - so that I can repent and return to live with God, even if I have done awful things. "Though your sins be red as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." If I've done something wrong, I try to repent immediately - drop to my knees and ask for help in changing who I am. I know that God hears my prayers, always... and, no matter what I have done, He loves me and will bless me and do everything in His power to help me to be happy.
As hard as I try, I'll still make mistakes in the future. I hope they aren't big ones. But, no matter what happens, I have a testimony of the power of repentance and forgiveness. God hears and answers my prayers for help in becoming better even when I've turned away from Him. He helps me see the things I can change and helps me have the strength, faith, and courage to move forward. I don't know what the future holds, but as I continue to make course corrections and turn towards the truth, I still hope that someday (probably not in this life, but eventually) I can grow up to be perfect.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Friday, August 20
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I was inspired by your blog. There simply are not enough voices out there of lds people who are fully dedicated to living their faith despite same gender attraction.
ReplyDeleteI started my own blog because I want to join my voice with yours in saying that living the gospel is the most important way to find happiness now and later.
http://solidgaymormonguy.blogspot.com/
I think your blog is beautiful and absolutely essential in the world today. I am in a totally different situation than you and I still have learned from your posts. Thanks for taking the time to do this, for me, and for others. You are making a difference. Don't stop.
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