True Love

I talked with a friend a few days ago about the meaning of love, and I thought I'd share my thoughts here. Struggling with being attracted to guys has always filled me with the fear that I would never be able to really fall in love with someone... and have them fall in love with me. It doesn't help that I'm a hopeless romantic and movies and novels and Broadway musicals all talk about falling in love; in each love is portrayed, rightfully, as one of the guiding factors in changing lives and improving the world. It's the love that Christine has for the Phantom that finally heals his heart, love that sends Geppetto on a journey to save his wooden son, love that makes it possible to write "and they all lived happily ever after."

But what is love?

I don't mean this to be trite - but when I see a guy and feel physically attracted to him, that is a totally different feeling from when I am trying to show my love to my family or friends. The world today stirs them all together in the same pot and claims that anything motivated by love is good. But I know that can't be true. I think that understanding love, in all its facets, will give me a key in knowing the truth and creating loving relationships that can meet my needs.

In the last little while I've felt that love was something much more than just a feeling. In Moroni it teaches about the importance of having the right kind of love, and much of Christ's Sermon on the Mount and the Sermon at the Temple was encouraging the people to move forward in the extent of their love. Not to throw away the old law, but to build upon it and grow. I get the feeling that love is a spectrum that defines all of our relationships with others - sort of like faith defines our relationship with God and truth - where our actions are motivated by the type of love we currently have.

Finding the ends of the spectrum is actually pretty easy. God has a perfect love for us, and so we should try to emulate His love in every relationship we have with others. Satan has a completely inferior love (we could call it hate, but hate is just the absence of love) for us. I think that highlighting aspects of each relationship will help us to see what we really want when we want to love and be loved.

In the most inferior relationships, the determining factor is that you have no intention of helping the other person come closer to Christ. In that case, the relationship is purely selfish. Why? Because you believe that true joy comes from doing the most pleasurable things. Everything done in the relationship is to preserve or increase your ability to use the other person to achieve your desires. You may be willing to do absolutely anything and everything to achieve them. You may help them to feel temporary pleasure, try to meet their unmet needs, and dedicate an inordinate amount of time and money cultivating this type of relationship. Or you could use blackmail, coercion, seduction, and dishonesty. There are two ends to this relationship. On the one hand, they willingly meet your desires. Then you perpetuate the relationship for as long as they can continue to meet them - perhaps even until death. But once you know, for certain, that they are unable or unwilling to please you anymore, you discard them, the relationship ends, and you seek someone else.

The most superior relationships are strikingly different. The determining factor in these relationships is a desire for the other person to become the best person he or she can become, and a willingness to do everything in your power to make that happen. Why? Because you know that true joy comes from being the best person possible. Christ spoke about the importance of being kind to your enemies as well as your friends, praying for them that use you, being good to those that persecute you. Walking an extra mile with someone who stole your coat. Hence true love includes unconditional kindness. But at the same time, love does not mean that you condone the unrighteousness of others. Doing that would be essentially telling them, "It's okay if you put your hand on the stove. I know that it will burn you, but I think that letting you do what you want to do is more important than warning you about the consequences of your actions." On the contrary, God's perfect love for His children manifests itself in a completely opposite manner. He looks at their lives and helps them see the consequences of their actions. Does that mean that He discards those who don't follow His commandments? No - hence the next key - true love helps others rise from their mistakes. In fact, true love never stops acting, even when the person receiving it has completely turned away.

But I think the most telling factor in true love is the one mentioned first - desire for the other person to become the best they can be, and willingness to do everything in your power to make that happen. That is the greatest motivation, the greatest love, the greatest fulfillment we can find. We can see it in everything God does with us. He allows us to struggle because He knows that struggles give us the opportunity to grow stronger and happier in the end. He answers our prayers for help and support, enabling us to trust in Him and come closer to Him. He withdraws certain blessings when we sin, but continues to love us and be actively involved in our lives.


So how does sexually expressing love play into this? I think the key is in the motivation - and behind that motivation you can see whether sexual acts are acts of love, or of lust. Simply put, God gave us sexual feelings for the expression of love only between husband and wife. Everything else is lust. It has been like that since the beginning - and it makes sense. The ability to be a family - to be joined as parents - is the greatest stewardship that God has given us. He has given us the ability to be joined as husband and wife, father and mother - to learn to be like Him. Of all the relationships we have in life, marriage between husband and wife is the most important, the most exalting, the most eternal. You will spend all of eternity with this person. It makes sense that that relationship would be different, in some meaningful way, from the love you should feel for everyone else on the planet. Within marriage, sexual relations are righteous acts, drawing husband and wife together, emphasizing their ability to be one, helping them to realize the joint ability they have to raise a righteous posterity and change the world. Outside of marriage between husband and wife, sexual acts, while still pleasurable, don't elevate men and women to keep their covenants and look to God for guidance. Since they pull you down instead of lift you up, sexual acts outside of marriage end up just being a cheap substitute.

True love is what I want in my life. I know that only true love, in marriage and in my relationships with others, can bring me happiness in life and in eternity. Anything else will ultimately bring heartache. Looking at relationships around me, I can easily pinpoint where they fall on the spectrum of love. One-night-stands aren't very loving; they're not centered on principles of righteousness, and the participants use each other and then go their ways. Long-term sexual relationships between men (or even between unmarried men and women) place physical pleasure above God and the spiritual well-being of the other person involved.

For me, it's obvious what types of relationships I need to cultivate. I need to do everything in my power to help all people to become better and grow closer to Christ, and allow them to do the same for me. That's true love. The gospel promises that true love will bring me happiness and joy, and so true love, guided by righteous principles, is what I am going to seek. I won't settle for a substitute.