Loved and Lost

I met a guy today. He may not remember our meeting tomorrow... but already it's burned into my mind.

At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the conversation. It was just another meeting. Jokes, banter, talking about life and going through the motions of getting to know you before the agenda begins. But there was something more in his words. Most of what he talked about - the stories he shared to illustrate his thoughts - centered on his family. He had been married, had children, and was now divorced.

He wasn't old, but it seemed to me that he was speaking about his family too freely for the divorce to have happened less than a few years ago. And yet, the connection was still there. He still joked about his in-laws. He recounted positive stories of his marriage... and I found myself wondering what had happened. The brief glimpse I saw in his anecdotes of the past seemed wholly different from what I could see across the table. The man I saw was stressed to his limits, trying to prove something to the universe by taking on far more than he really wanted.

What had happened? What pushed him from married life to being yet again single... from balanced stress to chaos?

And then it hit me - not only what had happened, but why I felt I could empathize so deeply with this man I had never met. His friend made a comment, and all the rest of the signs and stories fell into place. He was gay.

In that moment, I saw through the facade and realized how it all fit together. I understood the banter and the sarcasm, the stress and hectic schedule. A guy, attracted to other guys, who tries his hardest to make life work... somehow falls in love with a woman who returns that love... they have a child... and then something happens that pushes them apart. She learns about his attraction to guys... divorces him... he loses the one person he loved more than anything in the world... gives up on trying to stay chaste... and is left to pick up the pieces of his life. A few years pass and here he is, still bearing the signs of wear and tear, but trying to push through life.

I don't know if I'll ever talk to him in person again. But later that day I had tears running down my cheeks... frustrated and wondering how many other men and women felt the same way... betrayed, lost, confused... and, for a moment, I felt like I could understand why someone would just give up when that happened.

Then I saw part of The Vow.

For those who aren't familiar with the storyline, a man and his wife are in a terrible accident that leaves the wife unable to remember anything from multiple years before. He tries valiantly to help her remember, attempts to court her again, drops his job and stays by her side... but she can't remember him, doesn't accept him, and leaves him completely.

I found myself crying a whole lot... exactly what I would be doing if I were in that situation. And after she served the divorce papers, I felt myself in his shoes and wanted... honestly... to jump off a bridge. Just end life completely. I mean, when the person who means everything to you walks away, what else is there to live for?

There's God... which He gently reminded me... and with God life always a purpose. But sometimes that doesn't make it any easier to get up in the morning or not cry yourself to sleep each night.

The realization I had looking at the man across the table and into my own heart... is that I don't know if I have the strength and faith to live through the trials that finding love, and losing it, would bring. I would hope so. But that seems far more difficult than anything I've experienced... and I hope I never do.

To those who have loved and given and sacrificed and lost: may you have the faith and hope to find God in your trials. May He heal your wounds and give you peace. Tonight you are in my prayers.

Dear Mom and Dad

(I wouldn't actually send a letter. Even though I write well, my parents are verbal people... and they have the important ability of being able to listen even when they're confused or frustrated or lost - a rare trait in parents or children these days. With some people, writing leaves distance from difficult situations... but I've found it works much better to sit down and talk with them in person...)

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have something to tell you... something pretty serious. Yeah, you'll want to sit down. Close the door.

I've mentioned a few times about a blog I write and how it has helped me have an impact on the world. It has been amazing - I've had the daily opportunity to touch people's lives and help them find the faith to avert suicide, fix broken marriages, and pursue lifelong dreams. I started it almost a year ago. You've never read the blog... it's actually anonymous... and it shares how I live the gospel as part of my daily life... a rare insight to a side of me that I don't share with anyone else. It's a story of pain, of suffering, but also of hope, of love, and of faith and hope and trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises.

The topic is... well, I've lived for as long as I can remember with same-gender attraction. I share the gospel through that lens. I don't expect you to understand or know anything about what I'm going through... or even what you should do or not do. There are just a few things I want you to know.

I'm clean. I'm worthy of a temple recommend and plan for that always to be the case, no matter what the cost or what I have to give up.

This isn't who I am. It's not an eternal part of me. But it's something I face today, and have faced for years.

I support everything that the Brethren teach, and I feel like I understand most of what they teach in the actual context they intended. I don't express or support anything contrary to Church doctrine or policies.

Don't treat me differently. Don't expect anything less of me, or more of another, just because I live with this in life. In my Patriarchal Blessing, it promises that I'll fall in love with a girl, be sealed to her in the temple and have children in this life... and while it will take a miracle for that to happen, I believe in miracles. I believe that it'll happen to me, if I'm doing everything I need to do on my part.

Never tell anyone. Never allude to it in conversation. Don't bring it up with me unless you feel the absolute need, and never with anyone else. You can read my blog... just Google "Mormon Guy" and it will be the first hit... but realize that my anonymity needs to be intact... because the Lord has asked me to keep it that way. He told me never to tell anyone... and so the only times I've ever told anyone was when He told me to.

And so that's why I'm telling you - because He told me to. I wasn't ever planning to tell you. I wasn't ever planning to tell anyone, and then that all changed with my blog, when I realized that I had something that others needed - the perspective and faith and hope and peace and joy the gospel brings in everyday life, no matter what trials we face.

As far as what you can do to help me, keep me in your prayers... and when you try to help me in any way, look to the Lord for guidance. The answer isn't going to come from something simple or straightforward; otherwise, we would have already figured it out - it will come as a miracle, as we look to God and follow His promptings, no matter what they are.

I love you... and someday I want my own children to trust me enough to come to me with their problems... hopefully sooner than later... and I wanted you to at least have the vestiges of understanding.

It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The Lord has made amazing promises to me and all His children, if we keep His commandments... and I'm doing that. He will bless me, and it will all work out in the end, and today, for the best.

Mormon Guy

(As the top parentheses explained, this is not a coming out letter. It's just the information I would want my parents to know... and what I would want to know if my own future son struggled with this same issue.)

Strength from Fasting

So I broke my blog & food fast a few days early. You know how whenever you start to fast people start to offer you all sorts of amazing food that they never would have otherwise? Life is so ironic... For the first day I was fine, but when a friend wanted to take me to lunch, and I hadn't seen them in years, I decided that God had accepted my fast and broke it after a day and a half instead of three.

When I was little I wondered if it would be possible to fast for 40 days and 40 nights, like Moses did after the angel gave him food to eat, or like Christ in the wilderness. I couldn't imagine going without food and water for more than one day, let alone 40. They must have been superhuman or something.

I still wonder if I could go 40 days without food. Without water I'd probably die unless I lived in a really, really humid environment, ate tons of salt beforehand to drastically increase water retention, and somehow absorbed enough moisture to stay alive. But going without food would be interesting.

Fasting actually changes how the body processes food and nutrients. At the beginning of a fast, the muscles use up their stores of glycogen and ATP, reserving glucose for the brain and its functions. As time progresses and there's still no more food coming in, each organ and muscle group slowly begins the transition from burning only glucose to burning ketones - essentially shards of fatty acids that have been converted to a more usable form by the liver. The brain is usually the last holdout, but it, too, begins using ketones for energy, also eating any glucose that is left, anywhere.

At the beginning of a prolonged fast, while the body is changing its source of energy, it's pretty common to feel tired. I remember feeling it on my mission - we'd be biking and I would feel much more exhausted than usual (especially when appointments were ten miles away, partially uphill) on Fast Sundays and the evening before. My brain usually went on strike as well. But as time goes on, and each muscle group switches its energy source, the exhaustion and intense hunger lessens, and the body regains its ability to function properly - even without food from the outside... and my brain turns on and functions differently than before.

I think there's a spiritual metaphor there, but I'll let you find it this time. I'm not condoning prolonged fasts for the general population or anyone else. This blog is obviously not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, medicate, or whatever any medical condition. But I've found that the clarity of thought and strength of will that comes from fasting for a few days (instead of just one) is well worth the extra growling in my stomach. It gives me an opportunity to constantly remember God throughout the days, and gives me extra time to pray, read my scriptures, and dedicate my life to Him.