My name’s David. I’m the Author of (Gay) Mormon Guy

My name’s David Peterson. I’m 26, autistic, and a 2^ndYear BYU MBA. I’m the author of (Gay) Mormon Guy. My life is awesome.

This post is a Q&A. Choose the questions you want to know, and read the answers.

Who Are You? Where Do You Live? Work? Go to School? 

This is a picture from last Christmas of me with my family.

I’m on the bottom row (obviously), middle right. Dad is next to me and Mom is on the top left. In age order after me (and spiraling middle-left-right-upward) there’s CJ, Matt, Jessie, Amanda, Emily, Alyssa, Zach, and Kyle.

I grew up in suburban Chicago, where my parents and four youngest siblings still live. Three of us (me, Matt, and Jessie) currently live together in a house in Orem, Utah. Amanda’s at BYU in the dorms. CJ has leukemia. He lives with me in Orem and was a BYU student when he was diagnosed, but is currently in Chicago recovering from round 4 of chemo.

I run/own a natural health company with my siblings. It's called Nature's Fusions. I started the company a few years ago when Jessie got cancer to be an honest, low-cost, extremely-high-quality supplier for essential oils for family and friends. It's grown since then. Today, our oils & blends are carried by a number of health food stores in Utah, including Good Earth, Beehive Health Essentials, and Bountiful Nutrition.

I’m in my 7^th year at BYU – 4 for an undergrad in physics teaching, 1 working at the MTC as a training developer, and now 2 in the BYU MBA program. And I love BYU.

So… You’re Gay?

Yeah. Gay, homosexual, same-sex attraction/SSA, queer, and same-gender attraction/SGA are often used somewhat interchangeably, in differing circumstances. Depending on how you use them, they carry different embedded meanings. Some people can function in that type of ambiguity, but autism doesn’t give me that luxury. I use language super-literally. So when describing myself, I use the terms of having same-sex attraction or same-gender attraction because they are clearly associated with feelings, not actions, identity, or goals.

SGA/SSA comes in a number of forms. In my case it means that I’m attracted to some guys and completely un-attracted to all girls.

And You Have Autism?

Yeah. Specifically, my mental diagnoses are Asperger’sSyndrome and Type II Bipolar Disorder. Asperger’s is diagnosed as autistic spectrum disorder (ASD) in those with average or above IQ, but without a childhood language delay. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago, after breaking up with a girl I was dating. She was kind enough to stay friends with me even after the fact, and our conversations about the difficulties we had faced in the relationship started me on the journey to a formal diagnosis.

You can read about my ASD and its interactions more specifically here:  7Days Left: Autism & Bipolar. Autism is simply a different type of brain chemistry. Externally, it has a host of effects that are viewed as positive or negative based on societal norms.Positively, it appropriates a larger proportion of IQ to fluid intelligence,which means that those with autism are proportionally better at solving complex problems than those with a similar intelligence level. Those of us with savant skills or extreme passions (mine is missionary work/teaching) have another step up when the skills are useful. Negatively, it means that I don’t understand or appreciate sarcasm, use language literally, have to think about everything,can’t read social cues, and am naively awkward in any new or informal environment. And as a warning: having ASD sometimes means that people interpret my openness and candor as arrogance or brilliance (I’m neither).

Internally, it means that I spend most of my life really lonely. I struggle to get emotionally close to people, and even in a room of people who love me, I feel totally and completely isolated. That feeling, coupled with same-sex attraction and suicidal depression, was a triple-threat to my happiness in my teenage years. I thought I was cursed. Thankfully, when I hit rock bottom, I turned completely to God. I gave Him my life and asked simply what I needed to do to find peace. And the relationship that I’ve developed with Him has sustained me for the rest of my life.

My diagnosis with ASD and bipolar was a gift from Heaven. For a decade I had believed that my loneliness, depression, and lack of social grace had stemmed from same-gender attraction or just being not good enough. Now that I realize I’m facing triple demons, it’s a lot easier to put my life, my efforts, and my feelings into perspective.

And You’re Mormon?What Kind?

I attend a young single adult (YSA) ward in Orem. I’m the ward music chairman and teach Sunday School whenever the Sunday School President needs someone to fill in. I also work at the Provo Temple as an ordinance worker on Saturday mornings (when I can get myself up on time – 6am prayer meeting is rough). And I support the Brethren on and off the pulpit: that Church culture is constantly in need of improvement, and that Church doctrine really is divinely inspired and holds the answers to all of life’s important questions – not out of dogma or fear or brainwashing, but because I’ve seen the blessings in my own life.

Are You Authentically Happy? Or Deluded, Inauthentic, Repressed, and Afraid?

I’ll be honest. Autism, bipolar, and same-sex attraction mix together to make a perfect storm. And for some of my teenage years I was caught in that storm and had a hard time really being happy. Like many people, I wore a façade on the outside to fool the world into thinking my life was good, when in reality I felt like I was drowning. 

But the answer to making life better wasn’t “finding myself” in homosexuality or “coming to terms with reality” on that measure. It was finding God, realizing how completely He loved me, and then surrendering my will to Him. Not assuming that He made me to be stagnant, or defining for myself what happiness would look like, but giving Him everything and being willing to suspend my own dreams, hopes, desires, fears, sins, and everything else in exchange for peace. It worked, and I’ve found happiness ever since. When my brother and sister fought cancer. When my cousins died of genetic disease or tragic accident. When I felt completely abandoned and forgotten by the world. God gave me the happiness and peace I needed. I’m truly and authentically happy with who I am because I embrace who I am – a son of God – and in following God’s path I find far greater happiness than I ever could find outside. True and lasting happiness isn’t something that comes from the outside, or even from optimism within. Happiness is a gift from God, cultivated in the furnace of affliction and bestowed upon those courageous enough to think it possible.

This Is Long. And I’m a Visual Learner. Do You Have a Short/Visual Version?

No. Sorry about that. But you can watch this YouTube video. It's my story set to Laura Story's Blessings.

  

What’s it Like to Be Gay, Autistic, and Mormon?

Perfect? Complicated? How much time do you have? I started writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy over two years ago. There are almost 400 posts, and most of them talk about what it’s like to have same-sex attraction and be Mormon. I can’t talk for anyone else. But in my case homosexuality doesn’t really play a big part in my life. I’m a faithful Mormon guy and, except for being eligible and unmarried at 26, look completely normal from the outside. Except for the struggles with addiction and understanding epic moral quandaries, having same-sex attraction has been a mostly positive experience… and made me a more loving, caring, and authentic person as a whole.

Having same-gender attraction means that I’m physically attracted to guys (Kissing Guysis a good visceral post that conveys that reality) and need to connect emotionally with them more than most other guys (you can read about that in Homosexuality Isn't Just About Sexuality). That’s frustrating, because most guys don’t have the desire/need to engage at the emotional depth I need for a valuable relationship. But honestly autism impacts relationships much more than just that. It puts a massive divide between me and everyone else in the world, and I feel like I and everyone who wants to be my friend has to put in a huge amount of effort just to keep a relationship alive. Together, it’s like being thirsty enough to drink a lake and having to use a 5-foot straw. 

In addition, neither autism nor same-sex attraction are visible from the outside, which means that people assume that I’m normal and don’t have different needs. If I were in a wheelchair, then people would offer to open the door for me. But when you have different social needs, there aren’t many people who are able to see what you lack and help when you’re in distress. And even those who know may not understand what it means. 

It also complicates things that I look like I’m in control of my life. Enough so that many people don’t really believe or understand when I talk about the depth of the problems I face.

Being Mormon, though, has made all that worth it. Within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have a community of people who love me. A place to serve and be a part of other people’s lives. A connection with God. Knowledge and inspiration from people in my community. The opportunity to lift others and bring them peace and happiness. Priesthood power to call down miracles from Heaven in behalf of the people I love. The ability to change and become better, cleaner, happier. And miracles that happen every single day in my own life… with promises of many, many more to come. The doctrines of the Church, when I finally understood them and how they apply to me, personally, gave me so much faith and hope and peace… something I was never able to find outside. More than anything, being Mormon makes me incredibly happy. It gives me a reason to wake up in the morning, and fills my heart with gratitude each night that God was willing to let me find the secret to eternal joy and also trusts me enough to let me share it with others.

Why a Blog in the First Place?

About three years ago, I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the Church with same-gender attraction. Up until that point, I had honestly thought that I was. 

I know. I’m socially clueless. Get over it. 

I had the impulse to reach out to help others and made a posting on Craigslist written to guys who wanted to be faithful members of the Church. I offered to be a friend to talk to.

Within hours, I had over 70 people who wanted to talk. Over the next few days I shared my story and listened as men and women told me theirs. Often they’d ask me similar questions, and I found myself writing down the answers, copy-pasting them into chat windows, and wanting to put the information someplace accessible. I had blogged already for a few years, so I started another one – (Gay) Mormon Guy. The blog has shifted dynamics and readers over the years, but the main focus had endured – to be the story and resource that I wished were available when I was going through my own formative years.

What Else Have You Written?

Until two years ago I wrote every week at www.romanmissionary.blogspot.com – it includes all the letters from my mission, plus a copy of the letters I sent to family and friends each week, every week after I got home from the mission.I’ve blogged a few other places; a poetry blog called www.peacemakerblog.blogspot.comthat hasn’t been updated in a long time, SEVEN – a now-defunct blogging group with some friends, and Northern Lights – a blog with Ty Mansfield, Josh Weed, and other faithful Mormons who write about homosexuality.

I’ve also written and published a couple of books. The first was my thesis: Quan’da’ry: The Story – Creating and Modifying Games for Use in Education. It had a total run of about 5 copies. The next was called Watching Cookies in the Oven and is about finding symbolism in everyday life. It was self-published, so if you want a copy, just email me and I’ll send a .pdf version. 10 Days Until Forever (excerpt in the link) is a children’s picture book that was real-published by Cedar Fort and carried by Deseret Book in March of2011. It follows a little boy whose family is preparing to go to the temple. Then there was (Gay) Mormon Guy, the Blog which was a rough compilation of the first 100 posts of (Gay) Mormon Guy and published as a free e-book.

Why is Your Blog Called (Gay) Mormon Guy? Why Choose That Label?

My blog’s name is (Gay) Mormon Guy because of search engines. When people are searching for answers to their questions about homosexuality and its intersection with the gospel, they don’t usually use the terms “same-gender attraction.” On the same line, people search for “Mormon” more than they do “Latter-day Saint.” For more info on my choice of words, see The Title (Gay) Mormon Guy.

Why Broadcast it to the World? And Why Now?

I never intended to share this part of my life with anyone. I’m temple-worthy, and it doesn’t influence my everyday life. Everyone has problems. Why should I shout this one to the world?

There are dozens of good reasons to openly share who I am, and dozens of good reasons not to. But, at the core, the reasons why I began blogging in the first place, why I told my parents, why I told Church leaders, and why I’m telling you today stem from one thing. I felt spiritually guided to do so. God has been actively involved in my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve learned over time that following the promptings I get from Him lead me to greater happiness and the ability to help more people find peace. A few weeks ago, I felt prompted to share this with the world, and so I’m sharing it now.

How Are You Different? How Do You Stay Faithful? Happy? And Why?

I’ve met a lot of people who don’t choose my path. Many tried to live according to their beliefs and spent years slowly degrading into turmoil. For some reason, they weren’t able to find lasting peace and happiness in the gospel, and ultimately many of them decided to subjugate their beliefs to their homosexual desires.

I don’t know what’s different about me. Maybe having autism and depression forced me to develop a relationship with God before same-sex attraction could present its moral paradox. Maybe having a family and community that thinks the world of me and tells me that I can do anything makes me believe it. Maybe I’m not that different at all. I don’t know.

Either way, I’ve learned something, with time, that has changed my life. All things come from God, and God only gives blessings.

God is omnipotent. All-powerful. All-knowing. Which means that everything that happens in the world is under His jurisdiction. Sometimes He acts Himself by putting the causes in motion, like stirring up the winds in the sky to bring down rain or answering personal prayers with feelings of peace. Sometimes He lets others do His will, like when a classmate at school stops, put his arm around me, and asks me about life. But everything that happens is under God’s jurisdiction. “Whether by my own voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same” (Doctrine & Covenants 1:38).

In God’s eyes, everything He gives is a blessing. An ingredient in the recipe He knows by heart. Sometimes, the recipe calls for sugar, and life seems sweet as I learn to use the gifts He’s given me to bless others. And sometimes it calls for salt, cups at a time, to change me into the person He sees in me. Tasted alone, salt is awful. But even sugar cookies need salt to taste right. And, in His eyes, sugar and salt are the same. Both are necessary. Both improve the whole. Both are simply ingredients in a recipe that will ultimately give me the best opportunity to become better, happier, and to return to Him someday.

With that understanding, life makes sense. Why do bad things happen to good people? They don’t. If you’re good, everything that happens in life is a blessing. Temporarily painful? Frustrating? Stressful and tiring and exhausting? Yes. But so are the best rafting trips, the best group meetings, the best relationships, and the best mountain hikes. Because each experience also brings the opportunity to make the stumbling block into a stepping stone… and to gain perspective, hope, happiness, and joy that last far beyond the time when the pain is gone.

Same-sex attraction, autism, depression, and everything else in my life are blessings. Not because they bring me instant joy/pain or gratitude/frustration, but because they enable me to become happier in ways that no other experience would allow.

In that design, my solution to finding the greatest joy in life is understanding God’s hand in all things, and seeing how my goals can be aligned with His. I can always find happiness and peace if I’m doing the right thing, for the right reason, in the right way. If the gospel, the recipe that God is following in my life, and the eternal Plan of Happiness aren’t working for me, it’s not a problem with the Plan. It’s a problem with me.

How is This Post Different From “Coming Out”?

Well… that’s sort of complicated. Most of the “Coming Out” stories I’ve read have been about a guy who has been living two different lives. Slowly, the tension gets worse and worse until it finally explodes. So he tells everyone he’s gay, leaves his faith completely, and expects the world to treat him differently because of his newly declared homosexuality.

My story doesn’t involve two different lives. Just two different aspects that have never met one another. And this – my merging worlds – is my effort to simply combine them into one. One reader put it well: I’m introducing people to connections and aspects of my life that they hadn’t seen before, on both sides, with the hope that both groups can learn and grow from having a more developed understanding.

So… You’re Still Planning to Get Married. How Does That Work?

I’ve written multiple posts on this. The most cogent is The Place of Attraction.

There are a lot of strong feelings about marriage in the world of same-sex attraction. Some people feel that pursuing the hope of getting married to a girl is delusional or repressed or (insert degrading moral epithet here) because the only “right” thing to do is follow your natural inclinations. Others, usually drawing from failed personal marriages, anecdotal evidence from people they know, or statistics drawn from skewed subjects, claim that marrying a girl is ethically wrong, as it will most likely not work, and probably result in (insert the epically worst thing you could imagine here).

I wholeheartedly disagree with both. God didn’t give me autism and depression with the hope that I would always feel depressed and alone… even though that’s exactly what they do naturally. Following my natural inclinations would have led me to suicide, not to happiness. And even though people without both autism and same-sex attraction may bristle at this metaphor, same-sex attraction is largely the same. SSA, autism, and bipolar are all simply variations in brain chemistry. All of them grant amazing, seemingly supernormal benefits – autism grants a higher fluid intelligence and an effective barrier to peer pressure, bipolar lends itself to extreme creativity and laser-focused goals, and SSA makes me into a far kinder and more loving person and often gives prowess in the arts & music. At the same time, each also predisposes me to dramatically non-normal effects. Autism distances me from society and changes the way I interact with others. Bipolar brings depressive episodes that can lead to suicide. And SSA deletes the physical, emotional, and intellectual attractions to women and supplants them with attractions to men.

From my own personal relationship with God, I know that true and lasting happiness comes from being good – from following the principles He has revealed and becoming the person He wants me to become, regardless of the situation in which I find myself. ASD, bipolar, and SSA included. I also know that He’ll fill in the parts of my life that I can’t do myself. And part of that plan, at least before eternity comes, is getting married to a woman.

That’s complicated. And this answer is getting long, so I’ll try to get to the point. I will only marry a girl if I’m completely and totally in love with her – the same level and type and depth of love that a heterosexual guy has for his wife. That has never happened to me, and in order for it to happen, there will have to be a miracle in my behalf. Until that miracle comes, and I and she fall totally in love, I’m not worried about marriage. Do I hope for it? Yeah. Pray for it? Yeah. Plan for it? Definitely. But I let God worry about it. He’s the only One who can make it happen anyway.

Were You Ever Attracted to Me?

If you’re a girl, then no. If you’re a guy, then maybe.

Doesn’t Blogging Make it Harder?

Yes, and no. Part of moving on from addictions is leaving behind the people, places, thoughts, and triggers that keep you connected. Writing about same-sex attraction sometimes makes my life harder, and there have been times when I’ve thought about just dropping (Gay) Mormon Guy altogether.

But in those moments, when I turn to God and tell Him I’m dropping out, He shows me the impact that I’m having. A guy sends me an email about how his life has been changed. A woman tells me that my blog somehow helped her marriage. A man shares his story about wanting to suicide and then finding (Gay) Mormon Guy. And in the depths of my heart I realize that writing here is part of my personal calling.

Writing also helps me work through my own difficulties. As I write, things become clearer, and I’m able to get feedback from people all over the world. Sometimes the feedback makes me laugh – like when people suggest I have more NCMO (non-committal make-out) sessions with girls to spark passion. But sometimes it’s exactly what I need. Writing about it may not be the best solution for everyone. But it’s been a blessing in my life and an opportunity to share my life with others.

Do You Have Any Other Pictures of Your Family?

Definitely! (I put this question in because this picture is awesome. We’re all doing yoga poses, and Zach looks like he’s about to box the photographer. And I wanted to reward people who have read this far.)

How Did You Tell Other People? How Did They Respond?

I told my parents about a year and a half ago in person. I describe what I told them in Dear Mom and Dad, and their response in I Told Them.

I told my close family by phone a few weeks ago. Their responses, and how I told them, are in Phase1: Family - Results.

Then I told other family and friends. I write a regular newsletter/email and included it there. Their responses were almost universally supportive.

I’ve had a number of experiences talking with Church leaders. My first, meeting with a friend and member of my stake presidency, is In Real Life. My second and third were less ideal, so I’ll leave them without links in the blog archives. My most recent, telling my current bishop, is under"Nothing Has Changed."

I Need Help Changing My Life. What Should I Do?

I could list dozens of strategies to overcome addiction, cope with depression, become more social, understand the gospel, or find happiness. And I probably will once I talk with my professor who has written world-famous books on influence. 

But the best way to find the solution to your own problems, no matter what they are, is to turn to God… and listen. “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27). Hopefully as you read here, you can feel inspired to turn to the scriptures, to the words of the prophets, to personal prayer… and to learn how to make your life better from God Himself.

What Else Do Mormons Believe? Can You Direct Me to More (Reputable) Information?

While I believe everything the Church teaches and try to make (Gay) Mormon Guy a place where people can receive inspiration, I’m not an official representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I gave that up with my black missionary name tag 6 years ago. But there are official representatives who’d love to answer any question you have, whether about homosexuality or any other topic, right now. 

You can click here to open a new chat window

It’s actually pretty cool. Inside the Mormon.org button on the sidebar of my blog, you click the Chat tab, enter in your name and email (You can be anonymous, but they’re missionaries. You can trust them), click Start Chat, and you’re talking with a missionary. 

Last week I tried it out to determine if it actually worked, and two guys – Josh and Ryan – responded within just a few seconds. I told them to expect questions on same-gender attraction, and asked them if the system had the capacity to handle lots of people. It does. So go ahead. Ask the missionaries.

You can also find official Church doctrine and information at www.lds.org and www.mormon.org

I Want to Read More of Your Blog. Where Should I Start?

Just click the Start Here button. Or, if you have a lot of time, try the Post Index.

Can I Contact You?

Yes.

My gmail address is afriendtotalk2 – feel free to email me about whatever.
Or you can friend me on Facebook at facebook.com/romanmissionary - send me a message so that I can put a name with the friend request.
Or add me on LinkedIn; my LinkedIn is http://www.linkedin.com/pub/david-peterson/23/675/a7a


Why Doesn't the Facebook "Like" Button Work? Or the Share Button? When Will it Work?
It got fixed! Facebook had banned gaymormonguy.blogspot.com as an "abusive or spammy" site, but enough emails to the developer team means that it's no longer banned. So the Like button on the sidebar works again, and you can write "gaymormonguy.blogspot.com" anywhere on Facebook - personal messages, status updates, anything.

What Can I Do to Help/Support You or People Around Me?

I have a really hard time asking for things in my life. I’ve always believed that I was self-sufficient… and that has alienated people from my life. And, in a twist of fate, developing solid relationships with people is the one thing that I can’t do for myself. If you know me just find ways to let me know you care. Realize that the mixture of autism and same-sex attraction makes me totally awkward. Push yourself into my life even when I push back. Give me a hug for no reason at all and then don’t let go. Stop me when you see me, and push me into being a part of your life. That’s how you can support me.

To help those around you, learn to love people unconditionally. Learning to love people and show that love will give you a greater ability to help them in their lives than studying the problems they face. Everyone knows someone who lives with difficult circumstances, whether same-gender attraction, autism, depression, or anything else. But very few know who they are. Most of us go through life without sharing our deepest needs with the world. No matter who you are or who you know, I invite you to share the message, invite others to come unto Christ, be willing to help them along the way, and then let them find their own way to happiness.

Share the truth with everyone, and someone – your own friend, or the friend of a friend of a friend – will find what they silently need.

I love you guys.

David (Mormon Guy)

Preparing for General Conference - Oct 2011

Life has totally run me under the last few days. I woke up on Saturday and someone asked me, "Mormon Guy, is it fast Sunday tomorrow?" Fast Sunday at the end of September??? Why would they ask? There must be something happening next week. Wait. The first weekend in October. General Conference. General Conference is next week!?! Oh, and "No, Fast Sunday is usually the week after when it moves in this stake."

Now it's four days away, and I'm scrambling to compose the questions I need answered - to find the theme of my preparation. Conference is awe-inspiring in how personal it always feels... how personally the talks apply to my life. It often feels as if each person is speaking directly to me, out of the millions watching, and answering my questions given to God in the weeks preceding.

I guess the biggest question I'll be asking this time around is, "What next?" A year ago I asked for help touching people's lives through this blog and this message... reaching the people who needed to hear the message... and (Gay) Mormon Guy went viral just days after Conference, with the huge interest generated by President Packer's talk. In April, with the recent influx of tons of new readers from CJane and other sources, I asked for direction in framing what I write - who should my audience be? And the answer came as I remembered the individuals... the guys and girls who, like me, live each day in the moment and just need someone who cares and understands.

I feel like maybe I need to do something more... and that's the basis of my question. I date and it never goes anywhere... either I get shot down, or I can tell that some girls are definitely interested... but I don't reflect the passion. I'm not sure which way to go with (G)MG, and then I have a major professional choice that is looming in the not-too-distant future.

So that's my question. Or sum of questions. What next? What more should I be doing? How can I better help others, share the gospel, and accomplish my purpose in life? And since every Conference I've always heard the answers to my questions, I'm convinced the trend will live on.

My Breath Fogged up the Glass...

All sorts of music plays around me each day. I love Christian music for its messages, classical music for its predictable turns and powerful harmonies, Gospel music because it brings back memories of singing... Someone once told me I had the right stuff to be in a choir that sang Gospel, so I tried out and somehow made it in. I only stayed with the choir for one performance, and of that I remember "I'll Be Your Bridge Over Troubled Water." I love music from musicals and movies - as long as it's clean - and, like a couple million others, I love the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And Christmas music... but not the commercial Christmas music. I like the religious music, and I end up playing it all year long, though I try to be cognizant of others, so it just takes shape in my car and a few random Pandora stations when I find the time.

Right now, though, I've got the song that includes the title of this post stuck in my head, with a somewhat absurd image of someone looking at himself in a mirror, upside down... and I find myself wondering if people really do that, or if it was just hyperbole for the song because it was an interesting image that rhymed, or if they've tried and then just decided to grab a flashlight and shine it in the mirror... which is what I've always done.

Then I find myself wondering how people do a lot of things. If they'll look in a mirror upside down, then I could imagine people doing many other things without choosing the most effective... or maybe just for a different reason than the one I would do it. How do people pray? Read the scriptures? What do they do to prepare for Sunday School or the lessons in Priesthood? What do they do when temptations hit them, or when they feel overwhelmed or burned out or concerned for friends? And what pushes them to make those choices? Something inside? People outside? Their relationship with God?

And, perhaps the most important, what do they do if their choices don't end up working out? A friend once taught me that it is more important to do the right thing, and to know the right thing, and to believe the right thing... than to be right. So if I find I can't see myself in a fogged mirror, or if I pray to God and have asked the wrong question for the answer I need, or if I find myself surrounded by people who totally don't understand... what do I do? Hopefully, I can always find ways to see the optimistic side - to draw a face and laugh or to learn more about God from the experiences I have each day.

Premortal Character Creation

I had a conversation with someone the other day about the pros and cons of life and how they always even out for each person in the end. Everyone has different trials and blessings and circumstances and opportunities, but "all things work together for the good of them that love God and serve Him."

In another conversation someone mentioned that we don't choose our trials or temptations. "At least in this life..." was my response. And the mixture of the two brings an interesting view to mind.

I've definitely played my share of games - video, computer, card, board, imaginary, role-playing, you name it. One of the first steps in taking part in many games is "character creation" - the customization of a persona to represent me in the game. Some games, like Monopoly, give me a very small range of choices. I can be the dog or the shoe, and not the same as someone else. Card games, I choose who to sit by. Other games provide a framework to create a character in the game world that fits a certain role.

Probably the most famous example is Dungeons & Dragons. And that's the example that comes to mind.

Dungeons & Dragons is the stereotypical role-playing game - where players can do literally anything within the framework of the game because it's mediated by a third party who arbitrates the rules as time goes on. Players are usually in groups and can be doing anything in the game world from walking down a crowded city street to flying through space. It's essentially an imaginary game with rules that are enforced using probabilities and random dice rolls.

Creating a character for D&D is simple at a glance.  In one style, players have a number of "creation points" that can be used to purchase attributes. Exceptional charisma costs a few more points. So does higher intelligence or a royal background. But I can also "purchase" not-so-desirable characteristics - anything from being colorblind to allergic to human hair - and with each "purchase" of deficits, I'm actually credited more points to spend. The most expensive, desirable attributes actually cost far more than the initial allocation of points, which means that characters with those traits will indubitably have a host of trials to go along with them. But, in the end, everyone will spend all the points, and the game begins.

I just wondered how real lives were created and designed before this life... and the thought of sitting around a massive table, creating the persona that I would assume here, with costs for talents and credits for trials, made me laugh. I only played D&D a few times, and those few times I had way too much fun creating characters with dozens of outlandish traits. I could definitely see myself looking at life, reading the instruction manual that told about the potential benefits and drawbacks to individual characteristics in life, and choosing the blessings and trials I have today.

In reality, though, designing life is much simpler and less prone to error than choosing random propensities from a rulebook. God knows me. He knows who I am and knows the exact things I need to return to Him... and that is the sum total of my life. Everything I write about here at (Gay) Mormon Guy wasn't random, or caused by some mysterious outside interplay. If my needs weren't obvious to me before this life, they were to Him, and my life was created, with all of its awesome blessings and interesting trials, for me and my good... because God loves me and wants me to learn to be happy... to grow stronger and stronger in faith and return to Him someday.

Whether or not I chose my trials in life before I came here, God has the power to determine what will happen. He could make me smart, handsome, popular, rich, famous, spiritual, wise, and every other good thing... and He could take away my trials in an instant. But He doesn't... because He loves me more than that... because He wants me to become the man He sees in me. Life isn't about perfect character creation. It's about living in an imperfect world, in an imperfect avatar, and learning to become and change into perfection through Christ. It's a journey, and I'll meet things far worse than dragons on the way. Bur God is with me, and at the helm of my life. He's in control. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Projects

So I've been working on putting together a really cool update for (Gay) Mormon Guy... but I haven't finished it yet. It's about as epic as the Post Index was and I'm hoping to be finished with it by General Conference, which is only 9 days away. There are a lot of other things happening in life, though... so hopefully the Lord will help me finish each of my projects. Stay tuned!

On the personal side, these last few days have been incredibly positive. I got a bunch of personal emails from people here on GMG explaining how they had found greater faith and courage to live the gospel in the face of their trials. I still get plenty of anti-fan mail and then lots of questions... so when I get an email telling about success stories - even when it's just the beginnings of success - it makes it easier to be grateful for what I have, and reminds me to smile, give thanks, and be happy.

So I Smile

Sometimes when I was little I would have smiling contests with myself. I would grin as hard as I could until the sides of my mouth hurt and I could taste the burn in my cheeks. I'm sure I looked absurd with a massive grin plastered on my face (it was often during Primary at Church), but, as I smiled, I found myself wanting to smile even more - happy for life and all its majesties.

And so it is right now. I look at everything in my life - and from the outside it could be really easy to say that life is hard, or unpredictable, or just not ideal. My social life is in disarray, as is my professional and every other facet of life. And I smile. I wouldn't change anything. I love who I am, the things I've learned, the relationship I have with my God. Life is great. Today was great, tomorrow will be great, and so will every day be great after that.

God loves me. He answers my prayers. And while in the world's eyes I will probably always be a gay Mormon guy, in my eyes, and in His, I am His son.

Men are that they might have joy.

True joy is possible, even when my dreams are on hold, the storm is raging, and the world is turned against me. 

So I smile.

How I'm Like the Vampires in Twilight

Team Edward vs. Team What's His Name (the wolf guy) never appealed to me. I didn't even read the books. But, in recent thought, I've realized that Edward and I have more in common than I ever imagined. (This is a partially comedic post: some items require imagination and may not be completely true.)

1. We both live who we want to be - not simply who we are based on circumstance... even though most of the people around us will never understand why. Thanks to Autumn for this thought.

"Why do you do it?" I said. "I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you... are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

He hesitated before answering. "That's a good question, and you're not the first to ask it. The others- the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot- they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been... dealt a certain hand... it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above- to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted."

2. We are perfectly suited for courting beautiful women who are completely unaware of our real carnal desires. Twilight vampires secrete human-attracting goo and sparkle in sunlight. While I glow in sunlight, too, mostly girls like me because I'm just a really nice guy. In both cases, we're a breath of fresh air from a world of guys who look at girls only as potential dates and mates.

3. We're amazingly strong, fast, smart, and talented. I spend a ton of time ensuring that my muscles are in perfect order - and my body does anything I want it to. Years of putting myself in the hardest possible learning environment has paid off; the added introspection that comes from living with massive nonideal conditions helps, too. Vampires are just "born that way." Ultimately, every girl or guy I meet is likely to mention at least two of the four: "You're really strong/fast/smart/talented."

4. We both hide secrets whose publication could change our world. In Edward's case, it would mean moving again - just finding another place to live with his family (human vampire hunters don't really seem to play any role in their lives). In mine, I don't know what would happen. At the very least, it would make dating somewhat difficult.

5. We both have "talents" given by virtue of who we are. Each vampire had some sort of thing they did - read minds or whatever. I can sometimes read minds, but that's a gift of the Spirit - not just something I do. In addition, knowing what it is like to feel alone, outcast, and worthless has made me a better person - more loving and caring - and given me the ability to better understand the needs of the people around me. I guess my greatest "talent" (beyond the one of reading minds) due in part to who I am is being able to see the gospel and its application in everything.

6. We would never wish our condition on another. This one is actually not as clear-cut, since the vampires actually make people into other vampires, even the "good" ones. And I can see the blessings that have come with my struggle... and if I knew that it was the only way to help someone I loved, I'd wish the same experiences on them - to give them the same opportunity to learn from God. But we would definitely never willingly submit anyone else to it - not even our worst enemies - unless we knew there was no other choice.

7. We've both thought that we were doomed because of our condition. Someone mentioned once that "the vampires know they are going to hell." That statement shocked me, since the choice to be a vampire wasn't theirs at all. The choice was what they did with their circumstances - not the temptations that beset them. I, too, once believed that I was cursed - that being attracted to guys and not girls was proof that God didn't hear my prayers and that I would never make it back to Him. Now I realize that, while I am tempted with massive temptations, I am the ruler of my destiny, and while I will be judged by the same laws and commandments, I have the strength within me to keep those laws. I, like Edward, have the ability to be the person I want to be regardless of the hand I have been dealt in life.

8. We have almost no friends. Vampires can't make lasting relationships with humans, and outside of their "family" they had no one who understood them. In my case, not even my family understands me, and since I often find myself pushing people away, even the few people I've told slowly become less and less a part of my life. I don't think that people can understand this facet unless they've been there - in my thoughts, it could easily be one of the worst pieces of either struggle.

9. We know, deep inside ourselves, no matter what anyone else thinks or says or does, that we are making the right choice. In Edward's case, it means living at the periphery of society for an eternity, buoyed only by the conviction that doing right will ultimately help him in the end. I'm not going to push the metaphor and conjecture on his relationship with God since he is a character in a book. In my case, it could mean the same thing - standing at the periphery of the family society of the Church, not fully a part and yet never willing to give in or give up, buoyed up by a personal relationship with God. No matter how long the road, I will stand by what I know to be true.

10. In both cases, there is a happy ending. But it's not the usual, "And they all lived happily ever after." It's more like, "And for the rest of eternity they worked and struggled and fought and prayed and lived every day the best that they could, and each day they found the strength and faith to be happy."

We Should Be Lovers

I was listening to Pandora the other day when the song changed to "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge. I've never seen the show, (and I'm not sure if I will, given comments made by a friend about it) but I fell in love with the song. The character who is singing (I think played by Ewan McGregor) is definitely about as crazy as I am, just as hopelessly romantic, and just as willing and anxious to find someone to love. I don't know the context of the song, so I can't comment on the actual nature of their relationship, but it struck a chord in me, as all love duets do.

I don't have many things that are on my list of qualities to look for in a future wife. I've never been attracted to girls with blond, brown, red, black, purple, or no hair. I used to have a long list of all the things I wanted to find; now I just want to find someone to love completely, and we can grow together. But there is one definite thing that I want - a love of singing love duets. Yeah. My favorite memories of talent shows and karaoke parties were convincing girls to sing love songs with me. When I'm singing, I can put myself into the words, and it's the closest I've ever been to really being in love. I'm not sure how the audience feels... since my voice probably butchers their favorite songs and leaves irreparable scars on their musical souls... but I like the feeling. I've given girls the wrong idea a few times, though... when they didn't realize that my real emotions were different after the performance... but I still think it's worth it.

The other theme in the song - beyond a love for "silly love songs" - is an interesting commentary on searching for love. "Though nothing will keep us together, we can steal time just for one day..." Both people realize that it may not work out between them, but they realize the beauty of being in love - and of caring for another person - regardless of the ending result. In that phrase is the reason why I sing love songs with girls I don't know and date when I know it won't work out - why I ask girls out when I'm pretty sure we have almost nothing in common - because showing love to others, and spending time with them, is worthwhile even if it's not with my eternal companion. "Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love." If I knew who my eventual eternal companion was, or if I always had girls that I thought were, somehow, potential candidates, then dating would be more straightforward. But it isn't, and so I approach each relationship with an open heart, open mind, and the words swirling in my head, "We should be lovers..." even if only just for one day.

There's nothing wrong with loving people. Now, the love I'm talking about is somewhat different from the love of the world - I firmly stand by the belief that sexual relations are reserved for expression between husband and wife. But showing love in every other way is an incredible thing... and one of my passions in life. The friendships I've made from showing love have changed me, and often my core motivation in the things I do is simply finding ways to show people that I love them. I'm not always very good at it (more likely that it matches my singing voice in creating emotional scars :) ), but I'm slowly learning. And hopefully, by the time I actually meet the girl I'll fall in love with someday, I'll better know how to show love. In the meantime, it will continue to play in the back of my mind, throughout each day... "We should be lovers..." In my mind, it's just an intense way of saying "We should be friends..."

Book: (Gay) Mormon Guy, the Blog

I've had a gazillion requests from people to write a book. Writing a book and tying it to this blog or pseudoynm would be really complicated and probably destroy any sense of anonymity I could ever hope to have. So I did the next best thing. I spent the last little while during my free time and just took most of my posts and put them in a book. It's called "(Gay) Mormon Guy, the Blog" (yeah, I know - I lack creativity. But it's full of keywords that I already know work well).

It's published through a print-on-demand company called Lulu - they're supposedly the best and they seem to be the biggest anyways... There are hundreds or thousands of books published on them each day. Wow. That's a lot of probably mediocre writing.

Since it's like 250 pages, they wanted me to charge an arm and a leg - the original suggested price was over $25. After searching for a bit I found a way to offer it at the lowest price possible for its size by eliminating my and Lulu's royalties - totaling $9.63 plus shipping. If you really want a hard copy you can buy it there. I know they have coupon codes - Google "Lulu.com coupon code" for a 30% off coupon code or something if you go that route. Or, you can download it from Lulu as a PDF for free, without even having to sign up or anything.

Here's the link to the paperback book:
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/(gay)-mormon-guy-the-blog/14731367
And the link to the free PDF download:
http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/(gay)-mormon-guy-the-blog/14731368

And so that's done. Why would you want an actual book? Maybe because you want to send it to someone who doesn't have the Internet... Except I'm pretty sure most people do. Or maybe you want to put it on your nightstand just to create a stir with guests. Or have to read at the beach if you have a normal phone that doesn't get Internet. I think the free PDF version is nice because now I have a PDF of all my posts in a nice, readable format. But then again, I did have to create and edit them all to get to that point. Whatever. The book is available, and it will be listed on Amazon in a month or two. I don't think I'm buying one.

Even as Frogs

A few years ago Disney produced a film called "The Princess and the Frog" - an adaptation of the fairy tale The Frog Prince. The film wasn't a smashing success; I don't even remember hearing much about it when it first came out in theaters. But recently I watched it with my ever-present lens of how it applies to my life, and that movie will never be the same.

In most Disney films the romance is strikingly one-sided. Beautiful princess falls for thief, servant, beast, etc... Or handsome prince falls for servant, sleeping stranger... In every case, the condescension is one-sided and complete as the perfect mate stoops to let another partake of his or her glory and join together in "happily ever after."

But in this movie it's not that way. 

There is a prince, but he's a lazy useless spendthrift, not a handsome knight who has worked to someday become a ruler of his kingdom. And the princess lacks the ability to see the importance of people in her life above her beloved dream for a restaurant.

Both protagonists have major flaws, which better describes the predicament I face. I have major flaws in my life (not being attracted to any girls yet is a major one, attraction to guys another)... and so do the people I date. I've never found a girl I could fall in love with... and I've often wondered if I was supposed to "settle" for something, or someone less. I realize now that the answer is a resounding NO! True love is something beyond physical appearance or even attraction. True love stays when everything else has disappeared...

In the movie, both protagonists are frogs. One is a workaholic while the other is a bum, and both want fulfillment of their own desires, no matter what it takes. They travel together to ask Mama Odi to help them achieve their dreams... but, instead, she helps them look inside their souls. And as they do, they realize what they need... and ultimately give up their wants to fulfill their needs. They decide that life together is worth it, even as frogs... and while the rest of their lives take huge amounts of work, their patience and perseverance pays off in the end.

Facing my own trials, Mama Odi's advice and the theme of the film hits home. Part of me wants a drop-dead-gorgeous guy at my side who understands me, loves me, and can be my soulmate, and vice versa. But there is a difference between what I want and what I need. The Spirit of God teaches that eternal happiness comes through Jesus Christ and the saving grace that only He can offer. And so while I want one thing, what I really need is the faith and strength to live my life according to His will, no matter what the sacrifice.

Someday I know I'll find my own frog princess. Not someone who is perfect and takes pity on me as lowly pond scum, but a woman who can fall in love with me in spite of my faults... and who I will fall in love with in spite of hers as well. The falling in love on my part will need a miracle, since it has never happened. But miracles happen every day... And it will happen for me. With God's strength we'll make the commitment to work to make it turn out right. Yes, life will be impossibly hard... and there will be pain and sorrow. But God stands at my side today, and He will stand with each of us as we keep His commandments. His love for all His creations is eternal, even for imperfect beings with weaknesses and liabilities... whether literal or metaphoric frogs.

You may be a (gay) Mormon guy if...

1. You've convinced everyone but yourself that you are almost perfect.

2. You've never done a cat-call.

3. You know what K9 is.

4. You can count the number of girls you've wanted to kiss without any hands.

5. You have the section of your Patriarchal blessing that covers marriage memorized word-for-word.

6. You followed this blog in the BC (before conference) era.

7. You'd rather go to an Elder's Quorum activity than a date with the hottest girl in the ward. But you go on the date anyway.

8. You've made at least 10 girls cry when they realized you weren't attracted to them.

9. You can't find a picture of your ideal wife... which made that assignment in marriage prep a bit awkward.

10. You've taken every single marriage prep, dating, and other similar course the Church offers.

11. You've fallen in love, but never with a girl.

12. Your temple recommend is a permanent part of your being.

13. It freaks you out if a girl other than your sister or mom touches you. Girls who give backrubs in church? I'm not sitting by you again...

14. You'd give almost anything to be married and have a family - anything but your soul.

15. The word evergreen is more than just a Christmas tree.

16. "SSA" doesn't usually remind you of the old DOS game "Super Solver Adventures."

17. You've fasted for five days in a row, multiple times, just to get through another week.

18. You know what it's like to be alone in a crowd of people, even among family or friends.

19. You've spent at least a month taking ice-cold showers every single day, with a fully functioning hot water heater.

20. Your journal is under lock and key... or you don't have one at all.

21. You don't get massages for fear that the therapist might be a girl, or, even worse, a guy.

22. You believe, honestly, that lasting happiness comes from living the gospel at any cost.

23. You're okay with living today and finding happiness in the moment... And you have the faith to let the Lord worry about tomorrow.

24. God answers your prayers, stands by your side, and is willing to do miracles in your behalf... all but one.

25. You understand and believe... "all these things shall be for thy good, and give thee experience..." and daily you give thanks to God for the blessings, trials, and everything else He has given you in life.