The first time I saw two guys kissing was an interesting event in my life. I had seen normal kisses before in movies, paintings, photos, and in real life at weddings or just watching my parents. And to me kissing had always seemed awfully gross... and never something that I had wanted to pursue.
But something strange clicked when I first saw guys kissing. Something stirred inside me and suddenly I had the desire to try it... a desire that seemed totally and completely foreign... and suddenly I understood what others felt... and wanted to feel more. To be in the scene and to feel the flood of emotions that had already begun to stir.
And then I did a double-take. This wasn't the kiss of husband and wife when they've made covenants to serve God and each other for eternity. This was a passionate kiss between two men who were glorifying the natural man in front of a camera... and yet, along with the revulsion that also came naturally with that thought, I felt drawn more than I had ever been before. And inside, I realized that I had to make a choice. Which feeling to cultivate, and which to follow and believe.
I made the decision to listen to my soul... and not my hormones... and have since tried to cultivate the peace that comes from living the gospel each day. I've found meaning in turning to God, hope in following His counsel, and purpose in doing what is right even when my body, my mind, and others are telling me to go the other way.
It still happens. Some days I'm online and suddenly there's a picture of two guys kissing that makes it past my pop-up, ad, and everything else blocker... and the emotions flare. My heart quickens, and I feel the tugging from two sides in my heart... two choices that will determine my mortal and eternal destiny. One promises eternal happiness, incredible meaning, growth, heartache, love, faith, hope, and trials and strength beyond what I can imagine with God at my side. The other offers love, acceptance, pleasure, earthly happiness, and instant gratification with a guy beside me. And both are telling the truth.
That's one of the biggest difficulties I think that men like me face. It's totally and completely possible to live a fulfilling, happy life with another guy. Being gay wouldn't immediately strike me down with AIDS or even destroy my ability to function as a citizen. In society today I could have romance, a family, a job, even get specialized hiring benefits from diversity programs if I were gay. In a monogamous gay relationship I could have everything I think I want.
On the other side, I have the word of God, His prophets, and His voice and He speaks to me... promising me that if I will live faithfully, I'll receive all the blessings I want and need... In due time... and it will be many, many times worth what the alternative can offer. And I've seen some of those blessings... but I still don't know exactly what the Lord has in mind for me. I still don't know when or how or even if in this life I'll see the fruition of the faith I need to show.
And so that's my choice. To sacrifice the feelings of attraction that God gave me, my dreams, and hopes for a family and love, and to consecrate my life through faith - believing that He will take care of me... or to rely on and follow what I can see and feel today.
It's a trial that I wish everyone could undergo. A crushing, overwhelming process of realizing that I will fail without God and have to choose to follow Him. That, in this moment, life is black or white... and that I have to rely on faith... and nothing more. Faith that, even if the pain and the passion and the patience never goes away, I will be a better man... And have made the right choice. It has turned me into the man I am today, and I have seen God's hand in my life. I know it's the right choice, because I've talked with God. But I still have to have faith... to choose to believe.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Thursday, April 21
Kissing Guys
Labels:
Dating,
Direction,
Faith,
Gay Marriage,
Love,
Optimism,
Overcoming Temptation,
patience,
Peace,
Perspective,
Prayer
27 comments:
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I have seen God's hand in my life as well, and am grateful to read your words of strength and faith despite adversity. Love, thanks, and a Happy Easter to you, dear Mormon Guy!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is not an easy fight you are taking on. Not a popular one. Not one that is easily explained.
ReplyDeleteIt would be easy to just be grateful that you exist and act the way you do because it strengthens my testimony that God has prepared a way for all of us.
Except that you are not some 'breathe easier about what my prophet tells me' justification. You are too real, too close to the heart of what I hope many of us feel about our relationship with Heavenly
Father ... or what many of us are striving for in that relationship. You are a reflection of his miracles, and the ability of the Savior's atonement to make up the difference; whether that difference is in joy, fulfillment, being good enough, or anything else.
Thank you for your fight. Thank you for working to be well-spoken, down to earth, and educated enough to be a conduit for Heavenly Father's love for all of us. Just ... thanks.
I should print this out and carry it around with me... Just to show others, IT CAN BE DONE.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you chose God's plan. Sometimes it sucks, but in retrospect we'll be able to see it was what was best for us.
<3 That is all I can say. choices depict us and we are here to choose the Lord and help our mortal natural self follow. It's hard and easy... Thank you for your thoughts and ... <3
ReplyDeleteThe choice you describe is one that we all have. The 'choose betweens' may not be the same but ultimately it is our choices that determine who we become.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so honest in your telling so that we can understand more clearly your choices and be inspired to choose wisely in our own.
This is amazing. Deeply moving, and it can speak to anyone who feels desires that are opposite to the Lord's will. Though there are few that are as difficult as yours. Thank you for having the strength and courage to post this and, more importantly, the strength and courage to live a righteous life. You're an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteMy trials are not the hardest in the world. They're just mine. Just like everyone else's, they were uniquely designed to help me come closer to God. And all of us will be tempted and tried to our breaking point - the point at which we have to call upon God to be freed and saved. Again, some trials may seem harder than others, but all of them ultimately require complete faith in God and adherence to His commandments. He teaches us in many ways, using lots of different methods. This just happens to be one of mine. Thanks everyone for your comments...
ReplyDeleteSo well said...and true. We do ALL have trials some more difficult that others. But they all test our faith. There are those who will mock such faith but as you've learned that doesn't matter. What matters is holding on to the "iron rod" that leads to the temple and God...
DeleteI really think that everyone has to have some sort of experience that teaches them to fully rely on God. For you it's this, and I will admit that your trial is one of the hardest (I wouldn't wish it on anyone) but I also think that most people go through something that leads them to the same place. Isn't that what this life is all about? Returning to God? Thanks for sharing your story. I admire you a lot!
ReplyDeleteThanks for always leaving food for thought. Thanks for your example.
ReplyDeleteIt's scary how accurate your blog speaks to my experience. The bit about both arguments being true shook me to my core for how familiar it feels.
ReplyDeleteThanks for choosing God's plan. He loves you for it and for the good example you're setting.
Hey, Mormon Guy, you're awesome. I believe men like yourself, who truly embody the concept of enduring to the end, are and should be recognized as heroes in the Church.
ReplyDeleteChurch members in your situation are too often made to feel as though they are caught between a kind of modern-day Scylla and Charybdis. On the one hand is the world, with its insanely permissive teachings about sexuality and its claims that if you are not fully sexually active, you are not really alive. But it is like a treacherous whirlpool that, if not avoided, will suck you down into a place of spiritual death. On the other hand, unfortunately, are too many members of the Church, who often say and do thoughtlessly cruel things to faithful members who struggle with same-gender attraction. They can be like a rocky cliff wall, upon which a tender soul with a testimony of the restored gospel of Christ can founder and fail. You shouldn't have to go through this kind of dilemma, especially from other members of your faith - the very quarter that can and should offer you the most love and support in your daily life.
For what it's worth, though same-gender attraction has not been my particular cross to bear in this life, I do understand what it's like not to fit the mold. In my case, I've been hurt by well-meaning but thoughtless Church members who ask blunt questions about my childlessness, by former bishops who deliberately put me into nursery or Primary assignments in the hope that it would foster my maternal instincts, and by many others who were unaware that, after many years of marriage and despite many frustrating attempts to get pregnant, I am simply physically incapable of having children. I've long since shed my tears over the quiet realization that no child will ever call me "Mommy" in this life, and that my sweet husband, who would make such a good father, will probably never have a child of his own. That's hard. What's harder to bear is condescension and criticism from our fellow disciples of Christ.
I sincerely hope that those who follow your blog on a regular basis, whether or not they're members of the Church, will do what they can not to put stumbling blocks in the path of others. We need to be sensitive to each others' needs and to realize that, although we don't all fit a particular mold, we are all created in the image of God and, as His children, are brothers and sisters.
Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow Thee. -Susan Evans McCloud
I praised your post the other day, but this one...gracious. This perfectly sums up my life, and I admire you so much for the example you're giving me when it comes to this dilemma. Recently, I've had numerous men take a romantic interest in me, and I think that I can have this immediate "love," or I can resist the feelings "that God gave me (Thank you! Most Mormons won't admit that sexuality can be partly innate!)" to have eternal happiness and a true love with a woman, which is my ultimate goal.
ReplyDeleteIt is so true that we all have our trials in this life and I don't think any of us has it easy. Some are alcoholics, some deal with depression, some deal with feeling lonely, some are addicted to drugs, etc. etc. etc. Whatever the trial, we are all put here to overcome the natural man and become more like Christ. It can be so hard to do when we live here in this Telestial world and are at the mercy of our mortal beings. My husband has a pornography addiction and he fights it on a regular basis. Even though he's heterosexual and married he still has this problem to deal with and sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. It is so hard for him when society seems to glamorize infidelity and promiscuity on a daily basis. I worry for my children who will be taught that marriage is not necessary in order to have sex. We live in a very wicked world and have to deal with all of these perversions which have become so accepted in society. We are looked at as odd or "old fashioned" if we have morals. It truly is a sad state that we live in, but we can rise above it all if we just turn to God and hang on for dear life!
ReplyDeleteInteresting.
Deletegood luck. thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI have something I fight, it is not as hard as what you face, but then you are being successful and I am not, so maybe mine is harder than yours, or maybe you just want to be successful more than I do....it is so confusing. But I am thrilled that you are succeeding.
ReplyDeleteYou, GMG, are beautiful. My choices are different and I don't regret them, but all the same it's good to hear you.
ReplyDeleteWOW. I just stumbled across your blog randomly. I've spent the last hour reading through various posts you've done. You are a very talented writer! I'm sucked in! And such an inspiring person. I have challenges too - totally different than yours (I'm your typical LDS Utah mom with young kids), but the fact that you're fighting so hard, and succeeding, honestly gives me so much strength to face and conquer my own problems. THANKYOU for what you do and share!!
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to say, fwiw, that I think even people not attracted to the same sex experience this (albeit to a much smaller and different degree).
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm in a theater and I see a passionate kiss and my mind floods with feelings, I still have a responsibility, I feel, to cut them off at a certain point. You see, when I kiss a guy and I get those feelings, they are often rooted in sexual desires that would have me use that son of God as a plaything. I have found that, when I truly loved a man, my kissing him meant something much different and those same lustful feelings were replaced by something less exciting, but much more rewarding. Had I chosen to entertain the lustful, exciting ones in the beginning, I would have missed that.
You have two powerful forces inside you and there will always be conflict...so, yes, I appreciate your faith, but I fear for your happiness.
ReplyDeleteDavid, you can have a full and complete relationship with Jesus Christ and be living a monogamous gay life. Millions do it and their relationships with Christ are as real as yours.
ReplyDeleteCan you seek some of those men out? I don't know where you live but in most cities you can find gatherings of gay people worshipping God (even at churches!) I say, before you dismiss it out of hand, check into it. Secretly, if needed. God, he don't make no mistakes! You are perfect as you are!
As much as I appreciate your concern, I have to disagree. I've met thousands of gay men - writing a blog like (Gay) Mormon Guy does that to you. And while I've met some who are content with their relationships with God and hold very similar opinions to yours, the depth of that relationship wasn't enough for me. I'm sure that as time goes on, I'll meet more and more men who assert that being actively involved in homosexual relationships doesn't interfere with their spirituality... but I haven't met anyone in that camp who has the type of relationship I feel like I have, let alone the one I want. And since my happiness is usually dependent on my relationship with God, I'm going to stick to my happiness, peace, and joy.
Deletewow. I'm a single *straight* woman, raised and living LDS for my entire (28 years). But it's gotten harder with time to believe I will have my dream. I've started wondering in the last few months if I still want those dreams and what I believe anymore.
ReplyDeleteI've felt so disappointed - particularly dating when I lived in UT and just the process of realizing that they only ride off into the sunset together in movies. My love live is NOTHING like I ever thought, imagine or hoped for.
I have learned a great deal, but I have been hurt so many times. Sometimes I wonder if being gay wouldn't be easier... is that an awful things to say? I connect with women and know so many amazing woman, and don't feel like men really SEE me and my worth and give me the respect I deserve.
Maybe I try to hard. I have so much to offer in a relationship. I just can't seem to ever be in one...
I feel my own pain and sadness and frustration about the lack of what I think I want. What I feel I NEED! Sometimes I don't know if healing from the doubt and fear now surrounding relationships is possible...
Thank you for writing this. You have it so much harder! I feel silly for complaining and being unhappy or even disillusioned at times. I don't know if these issues will go away, but I guess I need to take it to God more than I have!
Thanks for your example David!
What do you do when that picture pops up? Because I know for me it's nearly impossible to look at and then follow the routine of viewing inappropriate pictures etc.. I need help.
ReplyDeleteHey, wow, your post is great! Excellent perspective.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gay but I'm celibate for other reasons and plan to remain so for the duration of mortality. I can relate to everything you wrote almost word for word. I could have everything the world promises, now, without waiting, if I were willing to give up the future God has planned for me... and there are moments when it is tempting, but it's just not worth it.
It's nice to meet a kindred spirit of sorts.
Best,
Max
I'm divorced and struggle with my sexual desires almost every day. You're giving me strength to stay focused in what Heavenly Father consider sacred to my life other than what seems important to me at then moment. Many times I have been close to giving up and having a sexual interaction with a gentleman I've dated before but staying morally clean is what I should choose.
ReplyDeleteHaving sexual desires is a very strong feeling regardless of it being in a gay or straight type of attraction. Staying strong is the answer to both.
Thank you for your courage!