I've noticed that carrying my greatest trials and burdens in life has made the music of the Church a thousand times more meaningful. I've always been grateful that music was a central part of worship in the gospel, but as I've faced death, illness, pain, and suffering, my introspection on the words has deepened... and I've realized how much true worship really is contained in the texts of the hymns... words that sometimes make me stop singing altogether... just so I can listen and cry.
It may not be on the mountain height or over the stormy sea; it may not be at the battle's front my Lord will have need of me. But, if, by a still, small voice He calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer, dear Lord, with a heart sincere: "I'll go where you want me to go."
There's surely somewhere a lowly place in earth's harvest field so wide where I may labor through life's short day for Jesus the crucified. So trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me, I'll do Thy will with a heart sincere: "I'll be what you want me to be."
Sometimes I look at life, and the many things that make us different. Some are given talents that seem to give them incredible ease in studying. Others are popular. Others are good at listening. And I look at my life... and live with a constant duality.
On the one hand, I live, every day, with massive and major problems - only some connected here to (Gay) Mormon Guy... trials that most people would say are beyond their comprehension, and that far too often lead me far too deeply into depression. Trials that threaten to cut at the core of my being and make me wonder why and how God could allow someone to experience that kind of emotional suffering.
But I look at who I am because of those trials, and I stand amazed. Somehow, God has taken a little boy, scared, confused, and hurting... and infused him with light to become a better man. A man of faith. A man of love. A man of wisdom. I know that some of you hate when I talk about myself. But this isn't about me - it's about the change that God wrought in me through the refiner's fire. About the incredible vision He has for His children... and about the power that lay in obedience to His call and faith in His promises.
I used to pray, fervently and desperately, for God to take away my trials. To make me just like everyone else... to give me friends... to let me be attracted to girls... to lose my attraction to guys... and to just help me fit in with the rest of the world around me. I looked up at the heavens, and, tears in my eyes, asked Him to lighten my burdens and to make me whole.
Today, I am grateful that He didn't... but answered my prayers in His own way. He gave me the strength, the wisdom, the knowledge, and the faith to move forward and to become the man He saw in me... something I could have never done without being surrounded by adversity.
Today I pray for strength and faith to bear my burdens. Love to lift others and to love them unconditionally. Wisdom to see God's hand in all the things in my life. Gratitude to appreciate His gifts to me, in every form they may take. And guidance... to know what I should do, what I should say, and who I should be. I know now that my life may never be easy or simple. I may never have my burdens lifted, even though I wish they could be. But, trusting my all to His tender care, and knowing He loves me... I'll do His will with a heart sincere... I'll be what He wants me to be.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Thursday, April 14
I'll Be What You Want Me to Be
Labels:
Acceptance,
Direction,
Faith,
Fitting in,
Gifts,
Gratitude,
Happiness,
Light,
Love,
Missionary Work,
Music,
Optimism,
patience,
Peace,
Perspective,
Praise
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Life...in all its indelicacies and messes...is forever worth it.
ReplyDeleteI love the lyrics to "Be Still My Soul" and "Come thou Font of every blessing" the most. They always speak to me, when I need it most.
ReplyDeletePlease do not lose faith or hope. The struggle may be exhausting but I am inspired by your words, hope and example. My trials may not be yours -the reality is that we all are tried. I do hear you and pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI just needed to respond to part of your post -we love your posts, and especially when you write about yourself. You make it real- your life has heart, and feeling. It allows the messages and teachings you post to penetrate deeper. So thank you for talking about yourself.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for sharing your heart. I feel the truth of your words. I understand what you are saying. Thank you. Sending some love,
ReplyDeleteKristen
I remember sometime in high school, whether in seminary or Sunday school (or maybe it was while I was at BYU ... time grows hazy), my teacher pointed out that in Alma it clearly says that the Lord strengthened His followers to withstand their burdens (I believe it was those Alma taught that ultimately were burned). The teacher pointed out that the Lord DID NOT take away their burdens, or made them lighter. At the time, I thought it was good to know. Yeah, I'd had trials. Off and on depression, things in my child I wished desperately to forget. But life never seemed so hard. Then, when I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, I began to truly feel that principal working in my life. There were times I wished that the Lord would carry me through the fire, and He didn't. Instead, He showed me that I can do it, with just enough help from Him. I am eternally grateful for that experience. Whenever I face a particularly bad night, week, month, I remember what the Lord has taught me. How He has strengthened me. And I try to prove myself worthy of his faith in me.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, that was a really long comment. :)