Will You Kiss Me, Mormon Guy?

To the girl I'm dating: If you read this (or one of your girlfriends hears about the conversation, reads the post, and puts two and two together... which would not be ideal in any way)... please don't share it with the world. Please don't let it ruin your life. Hopefully it helps you understand. Either way, I hope you can support me in trying to do what's right.

I just left a heartfelt conversation with the girl I'm dating and feel like... I can't even find a metaphor.

No. Wait. I can find one. But it may not be a metaphor.

I feel like a jerk.

Dating, for me, is hard. I push myself to date because I feel like the Lord wants me to, because it helps me to have faith that someday I'll fall in love and get married, and because I honestly care about people and want to help them feel loved and appreciated... And in the Church, dating is currently the only acceptable way to make friends with girls I don't really know... since hanging out has gotten a bad rap. But I find that dating women, at least in my case, often causes more grief than I could ever imagine.

There are lots of casualties. Some of them I can explain upfront, at the beginning of a relationship, and that at least puts things in perspective. But there's one that rips me apart more than any other, and has probably been the biggest reason I've broken up with girls in the past... and it happens when my lack of physical attraction begins to show through.

I date amazing women. They are smart, beautiful (I'd guess so at least - I'm definitely not a judge in that world), confident, accomplished, caring, and they love the gospel. I have the desire to help them feel loved, and to never do anything to betray their trust. But sometimes those conflict... so there are divergent camps in my mind on how to deal with the physical aspect of dating. One side says to use dating to try new things, and give women the affection they need. Kiss girls I'm not attracted to, and see if I can get anything to work, reverse frog-prince style. I'm not comfortable with that and don't think it matches who I am. Instead, I'm completely honest in my relationships. I try to send clear signals that accurately relate where I stand, and I don't express physical attraction unless it's there. Which means I don't express physical attraction at all. And that's painful.

Today I had a DTR (defining the relationship) talk with the girl I've been dating. It didn't start out as a DTR, but it steadily went in that direction. I could tell that something was on her mind... something important enough that it was keeping her up at night and distracting her from the rest of life... and so I waited for her to ask whatever question she wanted to ask. I think the only question I wouldn't have answered would be about same-sex attraction. We were in a public place, with lots of people... and that's not something I share with anyone anyway... unless the Lord asks me to.

She asked half a dozen questions, and I felt like the questions answers were benign... but there was one at the end... the one that was pressing on her mind:

"Will you kiss me, Mormon Guy?"

Imagine yourself in my shoes. Kissing her would be enough to assuage whatever concerns she had about how much I cared. It would be enough to help her feel okay walking down an incredibly confusing, frustrating path. It would be enough to help her sleep at night and focus on life during the day.

But kissing her, even just once, would betray her trust and make everything far more painful, because of the implication of that kiss.

I'm the kind of guy that feels that kisses shouldn't be given away like pretzels. It has to mean something. That said, I've changed from my pre-mission thoughts that I'd never kiss a girl until she knelt across from me at the altar. As soon as I fall in love, it will definitely happen. But not before.

So I looked at her, felt like a jerk, and told her no. I wouldn't kiss her... at least not at that point in our relationship. It wasn't a shut-down, but it definitely wasn't a kiss. It was a "that's not where I am right now... but if I get there, then it will happen."

As I went home after dropping her off, I found myself wondering. There are few things I hate worse than causing emotional pain through relationships... and dating me does exactly that. So do I just cut off the relationship because I know it will probably not work anyway, to lessen the eventual pain? Do I let her make the decision of how long to keep dating, without showing physical affection beyond courtesy, even though she doesn't really have all the information (like the fact that I live with same-sex attraction)? Do I just keep going until I personally get a feeling that marriage isn't an option and this isn't going to work? Do I try to move the relationship to a "let's be friends?" And if I keep dating her, what are the terms? How often do I ask her out so that I'm not taking all her time or attention...

...and the questions went on and on and on.

The answer I've chosen is a mix of the above. When I feel like asking her out, I'll ask her out. If not, then I won't. And it'll stay that way until I feel strongly about the relationship one way or another.

And as far as her frustration and confusion... there's not a lot I can do right now. If I fall in love, I'll tell her everything I face and let her choose. But that hasn't happened, and, until it does, I care about her too much to betray her with a kiss.

Being a Christian

Last night at the CES Fireside - a meeting for young adults in the Church, Elder Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke about the importance of helping the world return to the basics of Christianity. The opening and closing songs were "Onward Christian Soldiers" and "Let Us All Press On" - both incredible songs that make my heart race.

As he spoke, I found myself comparing his message to the world I live in. In recent years, the world leaders of Christianity have watched as the world has become more and more permissive, obscene, and dishonest. The laws of broadcast decency have stretched and broken; Christian morals that used to be a basic tenet of society are now called into question on their standing for the public field. Men and women fought on battlefields hundreds of years ago for the right to live their faith - today they fight each other in courtrooms for the right to live without it.

So what can I do? I look at my life - my blog, my family, my colleagues and friends. Except for blog readers, almost everyone I know is Christian. And so the way that I can help them is by sharing the testimony that I have of Christ and His grace in my life. By reminding them of the simple things in life that give us our connection with God. Praying sincerely and honestly. Studying the Holy Scriptures daily. Serving others daily. And turning to God in times of joy and sorrow.

I'm a gay Mormon guy. There are a lot of people who think I'd be happier, better off, and more fulfilled if I were openly gay. But I'm not. And I don't believe what other people tell me. I believe what God tells me and what I can reason with the intellect He has given me. I believe Christ when He promises that He has overcome the world and all the trials I face. As I follow His commandments, He gives me incredible happiness. He gives me peace and hope. It's worth any price. And, someday, when my time on earth is complete, He will make me into a better man than I could ever do alone. By His grace, I will be saved. And that's why I'm a Christian.

Proximity to Girls. And Closer.

My Blog Fast: Day 1

I'm not going to blog today. I actually wrote this post yesterday, along with the posts for tomorrow, and Thursday. I have a lot on my plate right now, and so I'm doing a blog fast (along with a normal one) to focus my thoughts. It simply entails not reading or writing any blogs and not checking my blog-related emails for a few days.

Why? It was a thought I had, and I need all the help I can get right now. I decided to try it. There isn't really a reason why.

But that's fine - on to the post.

Part of the issue of not being attracted to girls is the awkwardness of being physically near them. It's like when they had cooties all over again, except way, way worse... and no chance of ever growing out of it.

I have a friend who recently expressed her frustration because I never touch her. She's totally right - I don't. In my mind there's a reason... but I am contemplating change.

I've never actually had a huge problem touching girls; the issue comes when I think about the nonverbal social messages that come with touch. Hug at the end of an encounter = I really enjoy being in your company. Hug at the end of a date = I feel really comfortable with you. More hugs at the end of dates = I must really like hugging you... and so on.

I can't even imagine the messages that get sent from cuddling on the couch... but, wait a second. I'm being a bit unreasonable. Actually thinking about it, the underlying social messages can't
be all that intense. Guys cuddle with girls all the time and then never talk to each other again. Hey - they have makeout sessions and never talk to each other again.

So why am I so concerned about sending the wrong messages?

I think that part of it is wanting to be completely honest with girls. If I'm uncomfortable with my arm around a girl, I probably won't put my arm around her. And I probably won't kiss her at the doorway. More like a definite no on that one. I've made way too many girls cry already to do anything that would lead them on when our feelings aren't completely mutual.

But at the same time, physical proximity, and touch, are a vital way of developing attraction, and of showing I care about others. And touch plays a part even in friendship and totally nonromantic relationships. In the case of my friend, I find I'm unwilling even to hug girls until I know for sure that they have no glimmering hope that I'll fall in love with them. And while that may accurately express my lack of romantic desire, being standoffish is a type of disapproval that can really hurt.

So I guess that I've decided to change two things in my life. Sort of scary. I'll be more open with touch and other nonverbal ways to show I really do care when I'm around girls... and at the same time I'll be more vocal with girls who have romantic hopes to explain the meaning of what I do... and the realities of the difficulties of being more than my friend.

I'm not sure how this is going to work. I can already see myself with a girl on each arm watching a movie... and having major issues. But it's worth a try, right? Ready, set...

Me & Love Languages: Touch

This love language ties physical affection into the relationship - but it's not focused on sexual intimacy (though in marriage that plays a role). This love language is the language of high-fives, pats on the back, tousling hair, bear hugs, contact sports, and being physically close. The best way to say, "I love you" is by simply maintaining comfortable (for both) physical contact with the person. The worst way? Don't touch them at all.

This love language is messed up in my case. I'm not sure if it stems from abuse or if it's just an inherent part of being attracted to guys and not to girls, but this love language is hyper-sensitized to the point of being absurd. 

When most girls touch me (or I touch them), I feel like crawling out of my skin - even if they're really nice. The one exception is a nice handshake or a hug to someone who looks like they really need it. As we become better and better acquainted, I feel more comfortable being slightly more physical, but at the same time it doesn't give me a rush of positive emotion... so I don't do much touching when there are girls involved. And they're aware - most of the girls I've dated have at some point mentioned how I don't feel comfortable when hugging them after a date, and often that's true.

With guys, on the other hand, I have to set clear limits, because touch could easily become an outlet and breeding ground for feelings of same-sex attraction. Part of me wishes I could be more physical with guys; most of me is very grateful that I'm not! But, back to the topic, I definitely feel loved when a guy finds a way to show his love (friendship, camaraderie) through touch. A hug, high-five, punch in the stomach, hand on the shoulder, anything at all works. 

I probably need to give a massive explanation here. The temptation to be physically and sexually involved with men is a part of my life. When I see an attractive guy, my mind can easily go wandering, and it would be just as easy to let my body do what it wants. But that's not what I want. I repeat: That's not what I want. I've talked with God at length and I believe that true and lasting happiness comes from following what He has taught through modern prophets... and so I live the law of chastity. I'll never be sexually involved with another guy. I'll never make out with a guy or do a lot of other things that would lead to arousal. My eternal happiness is worth too much to bargain for temporal pleasure and happiness now.

My hope and dream is that I can find a girl someday where touch works as a love language for both of us - essentially, where I'm not repulsed by a romantic closeness and where touch engenders positive feelings for me and her. There are varying degrees of passion behind having to "find someone you're attracted to," but, at the very least, I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone that I didn't enjoy touching, and I'm sure that most of you agree with the premise. That will probably take a miracle, but God has already done some pretty amazing things in my life. He can do this, too. And even if He doesn't... He'll take care of me as I do my part to keep His commandments. When I feel totally unloved, I pray to God and ask to know that He loves me... and He fills in all the gaps that He gave me in the first place. "I give unto men weakness that they may turn unto me... and if they will turn unto me... I will make weak things strong unto them."

Receiving - complicated. If you're a girl, I'll probably bristle when you touch me. If you're a guy, I'll feel butterflies. Either way, I still need it.

Giving - fair. I can tell when someone needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I have trouble touching girls I'm dating because I don't want to send the wrong message... but to girls who are definitely friends, I'm there for them. With guys, I try to gauge their comfort in being physical to make sure I'm not overstepping my bounds.

Different with guys? Oh yeah. Night and day. Which is really odd... since it's the only love language that has marked differences between genders.