Saturday, May 28

And Then.

Sometimes I think I'm done with this. That I've moved on, somehow finished this trial, and it will disappear, leaving only a memory and an empathy possible in no other way. Time goes by and I find myself engrossed in the world of work, dating, and everything else that takes precedence in social life. I look out through my lens into life and the world and, almost, feel like everyone else. My blogging here at (Gay) Mormon Guy slows, as my mind moves in other directions, and it crosses my mind more than once that I could never come back. Part of me always entertains the hope that I won't... that this will be my last post and I can move on, disappearing into society like every other success story. And then.

I get a handful of emails from people who share their own experiences... and relate how reading mine has done something in their lives. They write of prayers, of fasting, of newly found hope and faith, of change and of peace. And I feel a kinship. A love that wracks my heart and burns me inside... unwilling to leave me alone or let me be silent. And suddenly I am consumed with a desire to do something to help others, to open my mouth, even when another voice inside me just wants to disappear, live my own already-too-messed-up life... and somehow stop caring. "It would be easier that way," the voice says.... But true love doesn't work that way. Meaning doesn't come from watching life from the sidelines. I learned that on my mission - when the Lord shows me His love for others, I am irreparably linked to them. Blessed with their successes and bruised with their defeat. They consume my thoughts and direct my passion... with no vacations, breaks, or leaves of absence. And it keeps me alive. So I look outward, and recommit myself to making a difference, even if I've moved on. And then.

I start dating a girl even though I feel no physical attraction... because I think that maybe we could have an emotional or intellectual bond that could then develop and grow... and she feels the same. And maybe it will. Time can only tell. But then I realize I'm more interested in my relationship with and attracted to a guy in my ward in every way than I am to her... and my mind falls to pieces. 

I've never wanted anything but friendship from other guys - this guy included. The attraction complicates everything. On one side, if we stay casual friends, that would be great with me. Amass enough casual friends, and eventually I'll find good friends, right? The likelihood of finding best friends isn't very high anyway. The other side of me pushes me to try - to do something to ensure that when circumstantial friendship ends, there is still something there. In both cases - with the girl I'm dating and the guy I just want to befriend. But almost every time I've tried has failed... in one way or another. And my relationships are often full of stress and tears anyway... even for my family. Maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe I'm not worth it.

And then.

The Lord tells me that I am. Worth it. Worth whatever pain it took... to Him... to help me become who I am today, and who He sees in me. And maybe this time it will work out - maybe I'll find good friends and a future wife and live happily ever after. Maybe not. But someday it will happen. And as long as I'm doing the right thing, what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or even for the rest of mortality, doesn't matter. The Lord will make it work out in the end, and in the meantime, it will all be worth it. I'll do my part... and then... He will do His miracle.

7 comments:

  1. I think you are remarkable. That's all I have to say.

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  2. Two steps forward, one step back... then start all over again. Over time, you WILL get there. Enjoy the journey. Try not to think TOO MUCH. Don't worry about tomorrow, or best friends. You are doing good and the Lord loves you. That is all that matters. I love you, too.

    A sister in spirit...

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  3. Dear Mormon Guy,

    Thankyou for writing this and 1)giving a voice to so many people who feel like they have none, and 2) giving some insight to people who have never gone through your trials and since they completely lack any *sympathy* lack *empathy*.

    You are not alone, and there are thousands of people rooting for you.

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  4. I feel your frustration and admire your faith. I've known the feelings of pursuing a relationship with a wonderful woman and loving so much about her personality and intelligence and yet not feeling the visceral attraction. And then in the next moment meeting a man with whom I simply want to be friends and enjoy a camaraderie and yet finding myself spiritually and emotionally attracted to him like I had never felt for the woman whom I thought I could/should marry. It frustrates me until I calm down and remember that I am fundamentally attracted to men, that is where my natural sympathies lay. And as frustrating as this experience is for me, it at least brings me peace in the certitude of the immutability of those natural sympathies toward men. I've been able to move on from that cycle of longing and frustration to more clearly approaching my life and relationships with healthy expectations. This clarity has also allowed me to approach Heavenly Father with more peace and faith in asking for direction in my relationships. He knows I've done my emotional/spiritual work in understanding my feelings and relationships and therefore He knows I will not ask amiss.

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  5. KPW -

    Thanks for writing well-written comments. I agree with you, except in the part of certitude. I didn't post your comment originally because that didn't jive with me. And now I realize that change, at least from the psychiatric, religious, and anecdotal perspectives... is possible. Miracles can and do happen, and science moves forward - just as they do in other fields. I agree that finding peace in reality is essential to spiritual progression, but reality can change... and leaving that door open, in my mind, is just as important in developing faith. Yes, it takes a lot more faith to not be healed when it is possible... but that doesn't mean I have to cede the possibility. Science, God, and reality could somehow change me... but if not, I'll still move forward.

    My response won't really fit in a comment - it's a new post. Thanks for being the impetus to do the research.

    Mormon Guy

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  6. You... are absolutely brilliant.

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  7. I've realized my struggle with apathy is on a par with your struggle with SSA...

    For me, I try to push myself and do well until suddenly a part of my brain just seems to shut off, and I stop caring entirely. Sometimes the rest of my brain is yelling, SCREAMING, for that part to WAKE UP and try something! But it won't. I end up in bitterly frustrated tears because I can't force myself to ACT. I feel like a ghost looking at myself in exasperation and wailing in agony as I watch my grades plummet and my life fall apart under my inattentive fingers.

    Some days I just want to buy a ticket and hop the first plane home. To just give up, because it stopped being worth it a long time ago. And then... I remember why I'm here. Why I'm pushing myself through this morass of homework and painful self-hatred every single day. Because the Lord loves me and can see my future clearly, the future I can have if I keep trying.

    I have days where I feel like the scum of the earth, sucking up people's tithing money and doing nothing useful in return. A parasite on the world. Lower than dirt. Then I remember that I'm a daughter of God, and he has a plan for me. I might be dirt, but he loves that dirt dearly and wants that dirt to be carried on the winds of change, landing in some distant place and growing something amazing...

    I think I'm just rambling now, but thank you for the insight into myself.

    ReplyDelete

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