...everything will work out.
I've had a bunch of conversations recently where, out of the blue, the conversation turns south... and people make jokes and crude references to being gay. I really have never gotten the humor, but that's probably because they aren't really funny to someone who's been there. Sometimes I think it's ironic that the only people who make crude sexual jokes have no idea how their jokes impact people around them... or the real meaning of the words that roll so easily off their tongues.
I definitely don't judge people for that - today's culture is full of sarcastic remarks, sardonic references, and sexual analogies galore. That it only rubs off partially on professionals is nice; I'm glad they don't perfectly mirror society's vision. But I still feel totally and completely left out. I feel left out when my bishop says that everyone in the room should want to date girls, and when my stake president echoes his remarks. I feel left out when I'm in a group of married guys who are talking about their children and their wives... and I have no desire to even go on second dates. I feel left out when I see family members get married, others date and fall in love, and others go through romantic encounters every other week.
And even though I know that someday it will all work out - I'll fall in love with a girl, be attracted to her, get married and begin a family... I still sometimes wonder when that will happen. And I'm definitely looking forward to the day when it will.
...sometimes I feel the same way, being a single adult is not always easy even if I'm happy to "wait for the one-and-only" and not to get married to the first man I see, just to be married :)
ReplyDeleteHere in Italy things are a little different, there are not so many singles in Church, unless you don't move to a bigger branch or ward (and I don't want to...) and so I enjoy being "the mom" of all the children in Primary (now they are all YSA) or the favourite "auntie" of my beautiful nephews and nieces!
So, if you like, we can wait together, even if it's "across the ocean"!
:D
First, I love taty's comment! It is the sisters like her that make me a better mother - I hate single adult wards because they rob me of my favorite, most diligent people.
ReplyDeleteSecond, my husband felt the same way about never having served a mission when all the "when I was on my mission" stories came up until he realized that I was his life mission (I was introduced to the Church through him, and we now have nine active, faithful children).
Third, you DO want to date. You might say it is not the same, but isn't it?! Aren't you seeking to do the Lord's will?! Aren't your sights set on the Temple?! You are just the kind of man that I would want for my daughters to marry ... because you are committed to what is right, and you are not willing to settle for less. And because of this, they would know true happiness and genuine love could develop and continue to grow through time and eternity (a much different concept than lust or even romanticized love).
I've been feeling left out in love too. I struggle with SSA and for the first time I fell in love with a guy, something I never thought would happen. I was confused and emotionally unstable for about 5 months until I finally decided to talk to him about everything. We were becoming good friends and I knew it was time to open up about what I struggle with, how I felt about him, and all my confusion. He was really accepting and I felt like my love for him could be turned into the love best friends have for each other. Then a week later he fell for a girl in our ward, one of my good friends. They started dating and I put on a supportive face but I felt dropped. I wanted more time to figure out this friend thing with the guy before he found someone to be with. I had an emotional breakdown for a day and then the next day I decided to block out my feelings all together. I'm a romantic but for the first time ever I wanted nothing to do with romance whatsoever. It was the most amazing feeling in the world for about 3 hours. But then I started to feel disconnected from my Heavenly Father. I fought for a couple days to block love from my life, but I came to realize that the love that is felt in romance is too closely related to the love that is felt for my Heavenly Father. If I try to block one out I'm blocking the other out as well. And I can't block out my Heavenly Father, I need Him. So, I think now is the time to learn some more patience and see where God leads me with this love/friendship. Have you ever had an experience like this? Any advice you can give trying to be friends with someone you're in love with?
ReplyDeleteI like this post. It's important for people to share their stories and experiences to give others the opportunity to be more compassionate.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of stories where gay man have been able to fall in love with females because of their patience on God. Hope this happens for you soon. I guess it's possible out there!
ReplyDeletethank you Anonymous #1 :D
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous (who lost his friend to a girl): Your comments are interesting about turning off your love feelings for another turned off your connection to Heavenly Father. So love is a good thing, even if it might not be directed at the the right person? It sounds like your connection with this young man was good....did you say you told him how you felt? Can you still be friends? Do you have other close male friends? It sounds like that would be so healthy, and it sounds like you are really doing good things! Best of luck. Just mom.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has their trials. Each of them varying from the next. I have something of a similar struggle - one where my brain is telling me one thing and everyone and everything else says otherwise. I'm mentally ill. Its very debilitating. I feel like I can't just be myself even when that is all I could wish for in the world.
ReplyDeleteI can only partially empathize with you because of this, but my heart does go out to you. I can't imagine what you go through and how much it tears at you everyday. But God knows your trials. Christ knows your trials - he went through them and I know he loves you.
The only advice I can offer is to stick with it. Your bishop an stake president are ignorant to your feelings only because they have not experienced them. Don't let their comments get to you. If marriage is what you want and what God has in store, it will happen. Don't worry over it so much and live your life!
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteBeing friends with someone you're in love with... I feel that love is always a good thing, and that being "in love" with someone, for the most part, is an amazing thing in life. Christ taught us to love everyone, and when you fall in love with them, that's actually much easier. I dated a girl once who asked me, when she realized that I didn't love her back, how to fall out of love with someone. There is no good way to lessen your love for someone, because love comes from God. But everything we feel in relationships isn't love - part is lust, part is need, part is love. Learning to differentiate between those three, and allowing love to grow while attuning the others, has been powerful for me. The realization that helped me most, though, was realizing that love doesn't require spending every moment with someone - it means wanting the absolute best for them, no matter the impact on me, and being willing to do my part to make it happen. Your friend probably won't be able to meet the needs that you have for a best friend. We as a population have relationships that are usually more powerful than what guys feel for each other... but you can still have a relationship built on trust. My suggestion would be to focus on what you can give to the relationship and what he can give, instead of focusing on what you want to get... and allow the Lord to fill the needs that others may not be able to fill. Email me if this doesn't really answer your question.
Vanessa: My bishop and stake president are definitely cognizant of my life. Their comments are faced to the general populace of my ward and stake, and they are inspired... But when we speak behind closed doors, the message becomes personal and understanding. They realize that someday will come, but in the meantime I'm trying.
Thanks for this. I'm a single LDS woman nearing 30 who's never had a boyfriend or even had a guy ask me out. I'm really not that weird or smelly, but that's the way it is. Sometimes I feel like everyone in the world is leaving me behind or going to, and it will be just me out of all my friends: single and alone.
ReplyDeleteIt's humbling to remember that there are a lot of lonely people in the Church, and many who struggle with trials much worse than mine. Thanks for keeping strong despite adversity. You're an inspiration to many.
Can I just say that there is nothing more shocking than sitting in Relief Society and having a discussion, and having someone bring up your blog while noting that she reads every single post (as I do)?
ReplyDeleteI found it amazing that although she and I both go to different colleges, we were raised in different wards, and are now sharing a singles ward, that we shared your blog in common because it had inspired and taught both of us.
Thank you for continuing to touch on subjects that make me sincerely ponder my own behavior toward people.