Sunday, June 26


The Sunday School discussion today began with a question - what gift do you want most in life? I began thinking about what I would ask God for, today, if He gave me the opportunity to ask for anything. Sort of deep stuff, if you ask me - not something that I can conjure on the spot. I mean, there are things that might be nice, but what would I really want? Greater faith? A greater ability to find people who need my help? Guidance in making decisions in my life or having an effect on the world? Then I realized that all the rest of the gifts desired by my classmates as they were singled out were physical objects. A pink car. A moped. A pet. My ward realizes that I'm... um... incredibly passionate about the gospel, but I didn't want to make people feel awkward... or make them think that I was holier-than-thou... Long story short, when I was suddenly called upon, I didn't have an answer ready that I thought would match the theme and was actually something I wanted, so the class decided that I wanted a wife. That's a single's ward for you - always focusing on marriage. The wish was actually accurate, and definitely in line with what the prophets and God want for me someday.

I've wanted to grow up and be a husband and a dad since I was a little kid. To be the epitome of romance to my wife, surround her with beautiful things, and spend late nights planning out our lives together and talking about the wonders of the universe. To wake up in the middle of the night and let my wife sleep while I hold a crying baby... and then hours later watching him sleep quietly in my arms. To be there for my children when they skin their knees, or fail a test, or when they triumph over the world and can tie their own shoes or walk home from school without getting lost. To be there, waiting, after their first date, and to see them gain a love of life and a passion for being in the world. To lift them from depression and teach them the gospel and walk with them late at night, just talking about God and His hand in all things.

When I got back from my mission, I wanted nothing more than to find a wife and get married. It didn't happen, and for a while I've felt a mixture of guilt, hot jealousy, frustration, despair, longing, optimism... my emotions shifted from one side to the other. 

But as the class went on, I realized that my burning desire to get married and have a family didn't have nearly so poignant a flame as it did in the past. Yeah, I still find myself jealous of the "you make me into a better person and I love being around you" monologues that come at the end of novels and film, but somewhere, deep inside me, I think I am finally becoming okay with following the Lord's timetable, instead of pleading with Him to consider mine. I've begun to honestly believe what the Lord promises - that the righteous will receive ALL blessings at His hand, in His due time. I used to be afraid of not getting married... afraid of being alone for the rest of my life... afraid of never being a father or a husband. But the Lord promises that every man who is righteous will fall in love, find a wife, be sealed in the temple, and have children - whether in this life or the next. And, as long as I am doing my best, God will take care of me and give me every blessing I need.

I'd love to find a girl tomorrow and fall madly in love with her. I want to have a family here and give everything to them. And I believe that it will happen. But whether or not it happens today or tomorrow or in a hundred years doesn't change the decisions I make in the meantime to keep the commandments and rely on the Lord. And it doesn't change the fact that I can be happy - no matter what does or doesn't happen in life... and that I can move forward from wherever I am to become better.


  1. Make sure you marry your best friend... married life is so much easier that way!

  2. Thank you so much for this post! I have been feeling similar things. I'm not struggling with the same issue you do, but I think in a way we all desire for things we aren't ready for at some time or another. I respect you for realizing that a prayer isn't a plea to change the Lord's mind, but a request to find out his will for your life.

  3. I really enjoyed reading your blog. I was posting on my twitter when I noticed it. What gift would 'I' want most in life?? I would want my kids to always say active in the Church and to grow spiritually stronger with each passing year. I would want the same for my grandkids. There are so many things out there to tempt them away. Faith not fear is my mantra. Hang in there cos all your righteous dreams will come true.

  4. ahh singles wards... but seriously, those last two sentences are the key. you just keep making the right decisions, and life slowly falls into place. i agree with the above comment, "faith not fear", is a great mantra.

  5. You are doing a great work. I don't know if you can begin to realize it. It may be that this is what you are supposed to do at this juncture, and those whose lives you are changing and buoying up are the very reason that your dreams are on a different time-table at present.

    Whatever happens for you, you have touched my life, and I'm sure countless others. Yours is a unique voice with clarity and candor that is sorely lacking.

    Blessings to you on this day, the day that the prophet gave all. You are giving your all in a different way. Keep it up.

  6. You really inspired me today. I'm not a consistent follower of your blog, but sometimes I read your notes and it has often been so worth it. I try to imagine you as anyone around me that I know, and it helps me remember that every person is tried with things that will truly help them grow and be tested to help us become like God.
    I liked this post because I felt so strongly your desire for eternal blessings, and I so much feel that as well. Although I have other things in my life to work through and overcome, I know that if we seek to become who the Lord wants us to become, we really can receive every blessing and every happiness. Thanks for your testimony. :)

  7. here's my two cents....
    it will all work out in the end. eternity is a long long time.

    when my son told me he was gay, i fell apart. i cried myself to sleep every night, but now i realize that maybe i agreed to this mission. when HF asked who would come to earth and be the mortal mother of this valiant spirit, i held up my hand and pleaded, choose me, choose me. i am so grateful to be his mom. Of all my five children he is the most Christ~ like.

    my heart aches for you. i have gleaned much from your blog. I am happy that you are full of hope.

  8. I just discovered your blog - really great stuff. This post made me think of the play the church put together - "Savior of the World." At various points, Zacharias, Elisabeth, and Thomas are each asked, "Have you given up hope?" They each respond with, "Hope? No. But my demands - yes."

    You are quite the inspiration. I hope all the best for you, in this life or the next.

  9. I read this several weeks ago and it will come back to me time and time again... I have to ask- Why on earth would you allow a girl to marry you when you are not attracted physically to her? Then marry/have children with her and model for your children really a really weird model of marriage? I just don't "get" it. I am mormon too- and i DO NOT THINK same-sex attraction is a choice. Nor do I have the same ideas about marriage as the majority of those outspoken in the church about this particular issue. However, I feel that by having a gay person marry and have children is destroying the sanctity of the family in an absolute and fundamental way. I am so sorry if that hurts you- it is not my intent. Rather, I am really concerned about this for your future if you do marry a woman. I am so sorry for your struggles. Those are burdens that must seem almost unbearable at times. I know you are a popular blogger for so many mormons who hope to "cure gay," but as a biologist... and mom... and wife... I really struggle with your ideas of meeting a woman and getting married...

  10. CMS:

    I appreciate your concern. Your concern and misconception is one that a lot of people have expressed, and so I've taken the time to copy the answer I've given in the "Frequently Asked Questions" part of this site, as follows:

    Are you ever planning to get married? 

    Definitely. But it's not that simple. In order to marry a girl, I need to be attracted to her first. In my case, that won't be easy. There will have to be a miracle and I will have to fall madly in love with a girl before marriage can ever be an option. But I'm expecting exactly that to happen.

    A selection of posts that explain the doctrinal and other aspects of this question and my insistence on being physically and in all ways attracted to a woman before marriage follows.

    The Future is as Bright as Your Faith
    The Miserable, Amazing World of Dating
    Romantic Idealism
    Dreams of Eternity
    Understanding the Gospel Ideal
    But If Not...
    The Lord Will Fulfill His Promises
    Dreams on the 2nd Day of Christmas
    Even as Frogs
    Sunday School Marriage Discussions
    Pre-Valentine's Day Thoughts
    The Place of Attraction


    Mormon Guy


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