Sunday, November 14

Reflections On Writing Here

Recently I've been thinking about this blog and how writing here affects me. On the one hand, writing takes time I could be spending learning some new skill, developing better relationships with my family members, dating, doing yard work… On the other hand, writing here gives me a chance to reflect on my life and, hopefully, make a difference in the world.

For the last 100 posts I've written about how being attracted to guys colors and influences my life. Sometimes it isn't hard to find something to address. Wedding receptions where I somehow catch a thrown garter. Conversations with bishopric members and family members who are trying to set me up with total strangers… but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by writing everything from the light of being a (gay) mormon guy.

I mean, a few months ago, the only time I thought about being attracted to guys was in the moment - when I felt attracted to a guy or very not attracted to a girl, when someone asked me about love, or when someone set me up on a bad blind date. Now, it's starting to become part of how I view the world and things that happen to me… I see the world in a different light, and I am constantly composing how I could explain my feelings here. And it concerns me… because, at least to a point, my attraction is becoming more and more a part of my life. I've prayed for guidance, and I'm planning to talk with some of my priesthood leaders and ask for direction, but right now I feel like I'm still doing the right thing. The Lord prompted me to begin writing here, so I'll wait for His call as to when or if I should stop. It crossed my mind, though.

I'm still wondering what I should write here… whether I should just write whatever comes to mind, and let myself just write without a given topic, or continue on the topic of living as a member of the Church who happens to be attracted to guys. At least until right now. Laugh. The Lord is amazing. I was ready to take time to ask Him tonight… but He's begun to answer prayers before I even have a chance to take it up with Him. And He just answered. At least for the foreseeable future I'll be writing about the namesake of my blog. And I'll let the Lord take care of everything else.


  1. As a writer myself, I can tell you that nothing is healthier than just writing down whatever comes to mind. That's when I get my best work done, my most meaningful work. And I can't speak for everyone who reads this blog because, let's face it, everyone's situation is different. But I'm enjoying just reading your thoughts. SSA is still a taboo subject for the Church, and it's refreshing to hear a bit more about it. I try to apply what you've said in my life, about being accepting and friendly. You're in my prayers, brother. Stay strong.

  2. I think it's important to write what you feel, but at the same time, dealing with SSA is one part of who you are... not ALL of who you are. You shouldn't feel like this blog should ONLY be limited to one part of you. In real life you don't sit around just thinking about SSA. You cook, you go to church, you attend the temple, you go to activities and dances. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't streamline yourself into one thing... this blog is about ALL OF YOU.... not just a small part of you. Write about ALL the things that make you who you are.

  3. I myself always find myself trying to word my feelings into a facebook update. Perhaps I have an obsession, I don't know. But for some reason, as I go throughout my day, if I find something to be funny, disturbing, happy, sad, you name it, I always think of how I would phrase it on a facebook update.

    I have I blog where I spill the emotions I feel as a mother. I also tend to try and wrap my daily emotions up in a blog post as well. "If I were to post about this what would I say? What would be my point?" Blogging and facebook consume my life in a way but I look at it more as journaling and keeping a family history- also have a family blog :)- so I don't feel too guilty about it. We've been commanded to do keep a journal, and so I see my blogging time as time well spent.

    Blogging is also a huge out for me. I way to communicate, and find others who can relate to my situations. I find strength in that as a mother and a person.

    Sorry this was long. I don't know if it helped but just know I enjoy your blog and I love reading what you have to say.

  4. You should write about things that are important to you or about the things the Holy Spirit confirms to you.

    You of all people must feel comfortable about the things you want to tell other people or how to approach them (or us). You can't feel like you have an obligation here though. You have to live your life to but if you feel like you have to continue the blog, you'll have lots of supporters and if you feel as if your time has come, we'll support you in that decision too :)

    I feel deeply thankful for you and your writing. You're a great inspiration. Your love for the gospel is heartwarming!

  5. I agree with Autumn Moses, write about whatever you feel in the moment.

    I'm an Army wife.. but that's not the only thing that defines me. I have six children, but again, it's not the only thing that defines me. I love fitness stuff, I like writing fiction, I love drawing (even if I am a bit rusty at it right now). All these things are merely facets of what is the essence of Randi. What defines me: I am a daughter of God, a Father in Heaven that understands my quirky ways and loves me, and encourages me to stretch and grow those parts of myself that have the potential to bring forth fruit that is pleasing to him.

    And while you struggle with SSA, I believe that what should be your defining factor is not how much you struggle with this, but that you are a son of the Most High.

    Write about that. Write about how knowing that you are a child of our loving Father affects your life. SSA will come up when appropriate. :) I'll admit that I first began reading your blog because you were sharing about something that is generally a taboo topic in our church, but I keep reading because of your testimony, even when your posts have nothing to do with SSA.

    Anyway, you'll know what to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And as always, thank you so much for your honesty. Your posts have reminded me that God knows each of our individual struggles and cares very deeply about us. Your posts have helped me find my center again -- in the Lord. Thank you so very much!

  6. This is beautiful. You keep going and doing what you're doing. You WILL be blessed(like you need me to tell you that). We all have our challenges and struggles. If you didn't have this it would be something else. I admire you for not falling for the world.

  7. I think there's a lot of value in allowing yourself to feel the attraction, and listen to what it's telling you about yourself and how you relate to others. It's becoming very clear that the church stance is that feeling the attraction itself is not a sin, so I say why not feel it and listen to it and see what God has to tell me through it.

  8. We have been directed to 'join the conversation'. Have you gone to and submitted your profile? "I'm happy, a writer, gay, and I'm a Mormon".

    You probably have no idea of the lives you are assisting, the hearts you are healing, we seldom do. Write. I was in a place years ago when the internet was still an odd commodity and I did apologetics. I had similar feelings. I studied, I found doubts that I never knew were lurking, and yet I felt like I needed to keep at it, stay in the conversation, even when it seemed dangerous. So I did, until I felt it was time to move to another place.

    I may never know if my decision helped, but I do know that I can tell you that YOURS has helped, at least my understanding, my ability to share more bravely AND to put my own difficulties into perspective.

    You are an angel.

  9. MSK:

    My profile is nothing like what I write here. When I sit down to write this blog, it's like I've walked into a different world. A world where, somehow, I can write something and then people from almost every country in the world read it. And I think it would sort of defeat the point of - the entire push was to put real names and faces to the people who believe in the doctrines of the Church... And I have neither name nor face. Just a pen name and some birds flying in the background. I'm glad that I can help, though.


    The Church is clear that unwanted attraction is not a sin. But I am more afraid of the sin of complacency. When I feel attracted to a guy I try to understand what is going through my head... but not just to watch emotions and hormones take over. It's to better understand how to leverage the resources I have to help me fulfill my own personal goals and help others in their own lives.


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