Sunday, November 14
Recently I've been thinking about this blog and how writing here affects me. On the one hand, writing takes time I could be spending learning some new skill, developing better relationships with my family members, dating, doing yard work… On the other hand, writing here gives me a chance to reflect on my life and, hopefully, make a difference in the world.
For the last 100 posts I've written about how being attracted to guys colors and influences my life. Sometimes it isn't hard to find something to address. Wedding receptions where I somehow catch a thrown garter. Conversations with bishopric members and family members who are trying to set me up with total strangers… but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by writing everything from the light of being a (gay) mormon guy.
I mean, a few months ago, the only time I thought about being attracted to guys was in the moment - when I felt attracted to a guy or very not attracted to a girl, when someone asked me about love, or when someone set me up on a bad blind date. Now, it's starting to become part of how I view the world and things that happen to me… I see the world in a different light, and I am constantly composing how I could explain my feelings here. And it concerns me… because, at least to a point, my attraction is becoming more and more a part of my life. I've prayed for guidance, and I'm planning to talk with some of my priesthood leaders and ask for direction, but right now I feel like I'm still doing the right thing. The Lord prompted me to begin writing here, so I'll wait for His call as to when or if I should stop. It crossed my mind, though.
I'm still wondering what I should write here… whether I should just write whatever comes to mind, and let myself just write without a given topic, or continue on the topic of living as a member of the Church who happens to be attracted to guys. At least until right now. Laugh. The Lord is amazing. I was ready to take time to ask Him tonight… but He's begun to answer prayers before I even have a chance to take it up with Him. And He just answered. At least for the foreseeable future I'll be writing about the namesake of my blog. And I'll let the Lord take care of everything else.