This is, by far, the worst trial I could ever imagine. I've been in places where people were starving, in the heart of violent gangs, standing among friends who have been diagnosed, and then slowly died of cancer. I've seen people murdered and families ripped apart from feuds, others who fell from riches to abject poverty. And while I have no way to tell how those trials influenced others, living with an attraction to guys is the hardest thing I could ever imagine.
Some days I hate myself. I feel like I shouldn't exist and that somehow, God has forgotten me... and usually I blame myself for His forgetting. I feel inconsolably alone, and filled with constant grief and guilt for my mere existence. Everything the Church teaches seems to go against the feelings inside me... and it seems like there is no one who could ever understand. I feel like God will never answer the prayer I truly want Him to hear... And I wonder if God will really keep His promises...
But it has been worth it. In my isolation I have gained a love of the Lord. In my pain I've learned to pray. And the relationship I have with Him is something I wouldn't trade for anything... not even to be free of my pain. Somehow the Lord knew it all would happen this way - that my pain would push me to make a choice - to turn to God or to turn away from Him. And, for that, I am eternally grateful.
I'm grateful for the perspective that I've gained that allows me to face trials with a happy heart, and to help others face their own.
I'm grateful for the empathy that I can have through my pain - which could come no other way.
I'm grateful for the commitment and zeal that has come from trying to overcome temptations - the super-spirituality that can accompany this and other massive trials in life.
But, most of all, I'm grateful for who I have become in this fight. For the truth I have learned and the skills I have gained. For the knowledge that I am a child of God, and that He hears and answers my prayers... and that, someday, I will be saves through His grace and return to His presence.
I still don't understand everything in life. I don't know why I feel the way I do. But, at least in my case, I'm grateful for the trials, the pain, and the blessings they have brought into my life. Someday I will be perfect, and I'll understand and recognize the hand of God in all things. But, today, I am grateful to have been a (Gay) Mormon Guy.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Wednesday, November 24
7 comments:
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I'm grateful for you and your blog, more than I can ever say...
ReplyDeleteHow is it that you always manage to write exactly what I need to read? Thank you. Thank you for being you.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand everything in life, either. But over the years as I've had one problem after another, I have come to realize that my Father in Heaven has allowed me to struggle because my trials have made me a better, stronger, more faithful person. I'm who I am today because of my past - the good and the bad and the worst. There's a quote I read once (that I am too lazy to Google) that says, essentially, that our joy can fill us only as deep as our sorrows have carved us.
Some day, you are going to hold a whole heck of a lot of joy!
Keep going Mormon Guy. :)
ReplyDeletewow. you are awesome, brave, and thanks for being honest!!!
ReplyDeleteplease stay strong...
Hey I am a missionary of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints serving in the california Santa Rosa Mission. there are many people here that struggle with homosexual feelings. I am now an online missionary for the church as well, we write a blog and use facebook to talk to people. I have linked your blog to many in this area that are also struggling and they really like what you have to say. thank you for you example, you are great!! if you would like to check out my blog. it is www.elderbevan.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteIm very thankful for what you have said. My brother is going through this same thing and he has said the exact same things as you but, I only wish that he could find the strength that you have. Thank you for your example.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy what I have read from your blog. What a refreshing, healthy, balancing perspective you offer. Although the weaknesses I struggle with and blessings I desire are different from yours, my journey is so in synche with the refining process you have gone through and continue to go through. Thank you for sharing. --Laura
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