For the last twelve hours I've been a wreck. My heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest as I realize how much pain I feel... Mingled with wanting, so badly, to do what is right and to understand the purpose of my life. How can it be possible that I feel this way? I finally left life behind and came here to pray, to cry, to ask for help in living another day. I haven't cried this hard in years and I just want to be happy. I just want to do what is right.
The sun came out. Dear Lord, please help me. Help me to grow. Help me to understand. Why am I in so much pain? ... I'm grateful for my life... for the people who inspire me... help me to be grateful for all things... to understand them and learn from them. To become a better brother, servant, and friend. Help me be grateful for the pain, for the tears, for the anguish and loneliness and grief that has burned itself into my heart. Even though it be a cross that raiseth me... Help me reach out to my fellow men, to be my brother's keeper...
And, Father, help the people in the world who are in pain - the people who are alone, without families, outcast from society, depressed, and hopeless. Help them to feel loved... and help me to help them. I can't do much... but please help me. Help us. We're so lost and alone, afraid and worn from life. Please help us to be happy, to lift one another, to become the men and women Thou seest in us.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Monday, November 22
Dear Father...
Labels:
Depression,
Faith,
Happiness,
Optimism,
Peace,
Perspective,
Prayer,
Testimony
6 comments:
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Thank you... I understand all you said. I'm with you and I'm lime you. We have to' pray every time, together. M.
ReplyDeleteAmen! I LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteMormon Guy,
ReplyDeleteI can't say I know how you feel, exactly, but there was a time where I felt such pain, such grief. And it hurt. I did some stupid things during that time. I am thankful for friends who were concerned enough for me to tell me to stop doing those risky things. It made all the difference for me.
But at the same time, they didn't understand the pain and hurt that I felt. I struggled with it, and my testimony in return, for months. I know. I didn't struggle with this my whole life, but in that moment it felt like a lifetime.
And then one day, while I was praying, and crying out to my Heavenly Father in pain months after the actual event took place I flipped in my scriptures to D&C 58: 1-4. 1 Hearken, O ye elders of my church, and give ear to my word, and learn of me what I will concerning you, and also concerning this land unto which I have sent you.
2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.
3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
Mormon Guy, Heavenly Father loves you! He IS mindful of you. He knows you're tired. He knows you're afraid. Jesus Christ knows too! You're older brother has tasted this pain and anguish! He knows, and he loves you even more! I know it's tough, but just think of how sweet, brother, the blessings will taste when he greets you and says "Well done my faithful servant. Come, rest with me. There is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my father."
You are loved.
Yours Truly, tuba.girl
Whoa!! Your last two posts have been concerning. I don't know exactly what sparked this down-turn in mood (we all get down occasionally), but I can tell you this - it does get better! It does.
ReplyDeleteHere's the words to a song that means a lot to me. Its from a musical you probably never heard of or saw, but I think of this song when I get down:
YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE - Rodgers & Hammerstein
-----------------------------------------------
When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown;
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone.
You'll never walk alone!
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Remember my friend, we are NEVER alone. The Lord is always there for us.
Here's a *hug* and a prayer that you'll receive peace and comfort. It'll be ok, because Christ said so.
ReplyDeleteI hear you man- life sucks sometimes. Experiencing SSA myself, as well as struggles with depressions, anxiety and anger, I know just how bad things can get. But the sun will come out again. Whether it's help from the Lord or the healing power of passing time, things will get better.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it helps just to acknowledge that life- with all of it's awesomeness- just really sucks sometimes. I don't know if it will help at all, but I heard a line on a t.v. show recently that helps me at times- the line goes "Don't retreat, Reload." I guess they were hunting or something; but you know, it does make a lot of sense. I know it's hard to 'reload' now, but keep pushing forward and you'll get there.