Thursday, February 17


Sometimes depression hits me like a ton of bricks, leaving me with nothing to do but cry. It makes me feel less than worthless, and nothing in the world can give me peace. I lose my desire to do anything because my mind is convinced (albeit on extremely questionable grounds) that I could never really do anything worthwhile. And if nothing I do can make a difference, then why try?

When depression like that hits, writing is often my outlet, and I find myself here, writing, reading my scriptures, and trying to lift my otherwise downtrodden spirit. And it ends up working and helping me to see deeper meaning in life; it gives purpose to the suffering I face.

But sometimes depression, or something, hits from a totally different direction. Instead of robbing me of self-worth, it simply robs me of my motivation... of the enjoyment and passion and all the emotions I used to feel in life. Things that used to be compelling are tiresome, and the commitments I excitedly made only days before grow into boring lapses of going through the motions. And when I feel that way (which describes me over the last few days), I don't find myself turning to God or to anything for help. To be honest, I don't find myself doing much of anything.

I miss my scheduled workouts, because I don't have the desire to go. And even when I force myself to get inside the gym, I don't ever feel the workout rush. The daily run of life loses all value, and people can tell that I've checked out of reality no matter where I go. I stop calling my friends or returning their calls, wake up late, and find myself going for hours without even a memory of what I accomplished to show for it - only a hugely deadened sense of guilt for having wasted time.

If I didn't completely lack emotions right now, the realization that a feeling of apathy could negatively affect my life would make me incredibly frustrated, or at least concerned. I'd write about my own shortcomings and light a fire beneath myself to make it less likely in the future and give me the tools to cope in the meantime. I've spent years trying to develop patterns and habits, and this is not helping. As it is, I don't really feel anything. And, in my current condition, I'm not sure that I could convince myself that it is worth caring about.

So what is it then that pushes me to write tonight? If it's not a desire to share anything or to work through my feelings or to answer a question on my mind... what keeps me here?

I think it's a sense of idle curiosity - the one emotion that perhaps even a cloak of apathy doesn't kill inside me. Somewhere inside me there's a deeply rooted desire to understand the universe and its workings, and I want to understand what is happening to me. I sometimes lack interest in specific subjects, but this is different. What is this overwhelming, universal feeling of apathy? Where does it come from? Are there precipitating factors in its manifestation? How can I fight it? Should I? Can I? What can I learn from it? How can I help others do the same?

I don't know the answers... and part of me doesn't care. But part of me has already woken up and is pleading for me to find a way to work through it - to read my scriptures and work out and eat healthily and pray even when I feel dead to the world... because they are important. And even in my apathy, I feel the soft whispering that tells me it's true.

I guess that's my answer. Maybe the apathy is just a test to see if I'm willing to push through and stay true to my covenants and commitments even without the immediate gratification that doing and being good often brings. To be who I am even without the carefully tuned desires and emotions that influence me each day. Or maybe it's to help me help others. One of my friends recently told me he felt an incredible sense of apathy, and I wondered what I could do to help... and now I know. 

Who knows. I still wonder about the apathy, but something inside me has woken up to tell me I have things to do. I guess it's leaving after all.


  1. Idle curiosity, I know it stems from something deep within us. That curiosity we feel is an expression of needing to be connected, understood, and accepted in the world around us. Everyone needs some sort of validation, its what makes us feel good about ourselves. Being validated is someone understanding you and what you are going through and being able to empathize with you. It removes the apathy, when we help others along the way through this life we gain strength and give them strength to move forward. We all have ups and downs, that is human nature. Learning to handle those ups and downs is what makes us better people. We all face hardships, especially those of us struggling with this same gender attraction. As we learn to pick ourselves up and keep going we become strong and we feel a sense of optimism that we can face any challenge. We then can share our optimism and hope with others who are struggling to see the light of day. I’ve been there, in that place so dark, full of despair, and emptiness. I wondered if I would ever leave that place. Just as surely as the sun rises every day, things will get better. God will deliver us from the grasp of Satan. Cast Satan out of your house if need be. Trust God, ask for his help and deliverance will come. The apathy will fade, and hope will take its place.

  2. I get the same feeling sometimes! I'm glad to know there's others who can empathize. Thanks for your insights into why it might happen

  3. For myself, apathy usually comes after a period of intense emotion -- it seems to be sort of an antipathetic reaction to caring very intensely. Maybe it's just a form of emotional recovery, the same way the body just wants to rest and sleep after an illness or a lot of exercise.

  4. You probably know that if this goes on for more than a few days, you're likely dealing with clinical depression, which can be fatal. Please consider getting some professional help. Life doesn't have to be this way. I've been there and I how how discouraging and painful it can be, but I've also enjoyed years of not being there. And that's made all the difference.

    Anytime you'd like to talk or chat I'm happy to do that. Just let me if, if so

  5. The apathy, for me, usually comes when I'm just starting to succeed or feel like things are working for once.

    Every time, it's as if I am just about to take off on wings of freedom, just to be slapped back down. And I don't want to get back up. Then my best friend steps up and PUSHES me to get moving again. I brought her into the gospel just last year, and she has become my saving grace. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't get out of bed some mornings.

    ...many mornings. I have the constant reminder of a failed (almost)marriage, the pressure of schoolwork and of family members who wish for me to get back on the dating scene, and the apathy slips back in like a familiar but unwanted companion.

    Keep going. I have faith in you.

  6. One of the things (and there are many) that amazes me about your blog is that even though we face completely different trials, the words you've chosen to share on here have been exactly what I've needed to hear. I've spent hours over the past couple of days going through your blog posts (your index was really helpful, by the way--thank you for taking the time to do that). Everything I've read has directly related to something I'm currently going through. I appreciate your openness on here and your example of faith. Maybe one day I'll send you an e-mail to more fully explain what you've helped me with, but for now, suffice it to say that you've really blessed my life. Thank you for reaching out to all of us strangers and sharing your story. It's clear that you are a blessing in many of our lives. Thank you!

  7. I, too, suffer from depression now and then. For some reason, your writing lifts my spirit. You give me hope that I can pick my self up and move along.



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