Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil... For Thou art with me...
The last few days have been rough. My mind is split in a thousand directions and life itself seems to be smashing me. I could deal with it if the stress came from outside - if everything outside were the only things going wrong. But they're not... And my insides feel torn apart and caught between a dozen conflicting paths of action, none of them going up.
It's times like these that are the worst for me. I eat junk. I don't go work out. I pull away from family members and am curt with friends. And as the egoism grows with the depression that is coming, I turn away from the world and focus on the pain and anguish that seems to thrive on devouring my dreams and shattering my hopes.
It never seems to actually get easier. Life doesn't grow any less painful. And yet somehow I find hope and peace. Usually, in my case, I find it in helping others - in going service or finding someone who needs the light of the gospel... and sharing the faith that has made me whole. It happened tonight - a friend texted me and asked for help, and something in our short conversation made life seem so much more livable.
I know that tomorrow will be another day. It might be even worse than today. But, at least right now, I have peace. I know that I'm going in the right direction. I don't know where I am going... or when I will get there, but life is a journey. I may not be able to see my destination, but the pathway is lit by starlight... the hopes and dreams of a hundred billion angels watching me, praying for my wellbeing, cheering my successes and mourning my grief. Some day, I'll be able to walk in the light of day, and the valleys will open up behind me, each one telling the tale of a crucial lesson learned. I don't know when that day will come. But, at least for right now, I'll keep walking with faith.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Friday, December 3
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I agree. Service is something that brings me peace during trials. I always remember what President Hinckley's father wrote to him during his mission: "Forget yourself and get to work." I also find that when I don't feel like praying for whatever reason, or when I feel the depression coming that praying until I feel peace helps. I hope that you will find the peace in your life that you are searching for. Thank you for this blog.
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