I've had two dreams for as long as I can remember. Dreams that fill my sleep and haunt my days... and whose lilting, vagrant melodies make me question whether I will ever see their fruition. Inside my heart, I know they will happen someday, but until then I work and wait and pray.
The first dream is of love. I wish I were in love... hopelessly and completely in love with a girl who loved me in return. I wish I could shower her with gifts, talk late into the night... I'd even be willing to sing her love songs every so often. I dream of having a family and being a righteous father and husband... standing by my future wife through everything... teaching my children the gospel and helping them each to see the hand of God in their lives.
The second dream is to make a difference in the world - to do something truly great... something to give back to humanity and leave the world a better place. But it's more than just wanting to end world hunger or fight famine or disease... I want to change the people of the world - to inspire them, somehow, to become who they truly were destined to be.
Looking at my life right now, and honestly looking at all the pieces, I still have a long way to go. I don't even have a girlfriend, or any girl that I'm attracted to... and I've only ever fallen in love with guys. And changing the world? Maybe I can touch a few lives with something I say or write, but there are billions of people in the world. I don't know how I'll ever change the fabric of humanity.
So those are my dreams. They're what keep me going through the hard days of life, get me up in the morning, give me a reason to keep living when my days are down. They're big dreams. And some might say that they're impossible... but they're mine, and in my heart I believe that someday they'll come true.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Monday, December 27
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Speaking of dreams, I really like this thought: "Dream big, start small."
ReplyDeleteWith more than 500 followers of this blog, you've already made a world-wide impact--your unique voice is being heard far and wide. Maybe you're doing more to change the world than you think with what you write here and with the righteous life you seek to live.
And maybe some of those readers, both men and women, already like you a great deal and would seek your friendship if it were possible. By coming out here first, I hope you'll find that when you eventually meet some of us face-to-face, you'll have some wonderful brothers, sisters, and potential spouses who accept you as you are and will support you in all your dreams. That is my 2nd day of Christmas wish for you.
As a forward, I'd like you to know that I just spent a lot of time writing a lengthy and eloquent comment and then somehow deleted it, being a terribly accident-prone person. Fortunately I have a wry sense of humor and can appreciate such things for what they are worth, but just know that the following words were at one point better formed and more heartfelt.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog since October conference, and while I am an active member of the LDS church, there have been many times when I have been buoyed by your words and example and prompted to be a better person. Prepare yourself, this might be a little bit random, but I had a few thoughts I wanted to share with you:
This may be something you have already considered, but as I read about Dream #2, it made me think of the movies "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Pay It Forward," where the main characters touched the lives of countless people without knowing it. I think something similar is happening here, and you shouldn't ever discount what you have already been able to do. You have been making an impact on my life for the last 3 months without knowing it, how many other people are there like me out there? I think if more people had your vision and righteous desires this world would already be a better place. When you are having a down day don't forget that you are already much closer to accomplishing that dream than a lot of us.
My other thought is more just a general impression I felt like sharing. I recently came across a young man who seemingly has everything in the world going for him, blessings abounding, not a trial in sight, but he feels like he has never had a testimony, has spent nights on his knees begging for a confirmation and feels that he has never received it, and is seriously considering leaving the church. This has led me to examine my own testimony, and I have also been thinking about your situation a lot-at least the parts you have shared here-and everything you have struggled through, wishes not yet fulfilled, and despite this/because of this you have a close relationship with God. I guess it just painted a clear picture for me of how important and special a testimony is, and no other blessings can make up for the lack of it. I'm grateful to you for sharing yours, I think you are very brave and I respect what you are doing here. Merry (late) Christmas, I hope you get those things that you wish for the most! :)
(If my post in fact did not delete itself but posted 900 times, I'm really sorry, I'm apparently not as blog savvy as I liked to believe. But each comment I tried is a little different, so at least I mixed it up a bit for you.)
Ran across this quote today and thought of your blog. I love it! "People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of having an ulterior motive. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, p...eople may be jealous. Be happy anyway.The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For, you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway."
ReplyDelete-Mother Theresa
Ned:
ReplyDeleteThanks. Some days I look at the map of all the visitors who have come here, and I'm amazed. People from Quwait and Jordan and Saudi Arabia. Regular readers from Korea and Israel. And thousands from all over the rest of the world. And I'm not trying to discount my extended influence through you... I just always wonder what I can be doing more to make it happen.
And as far as making more friends and finding love, I still have a hard time being vulnerable. I have a hard time opening my heart to people in my life. I'm still learning and trying.
Thanks for your comments, Ned, and for being part of the conversation here. Your comments and letters have lifted me and helped me out, too.
Mormon Guy
Emily:
ReplyDeleteI feel and understand your writing anguish. I was a missionary under the old myldsmail system... which automatically logged you out after like 45 minutes. Countless times I wrote something for longer, not in a word document, and lost it moments before having to leave. I think that I need to add a warning in the comment instructions to write and paste in case that happens - I think that blogger has a character limit on comments.
And thanks for being willing to share your own experience. I guess that is a way to change the world - through others, one at a time. And I agree... of all the blessing I've received through or along with my life, the blessing of a firm testimony of God and relationship with Him is by far the greatest.
Thanks for being here, and doing your part to share the message.
Mormon Guy
K:
ReplyDeleteI love that quote. It inspires me to be a better person for the right reasons... that was the message that pushed me to love others when they couldn't return it and hope when life gets hard. Maybe I should practice writing pithy quotes that could be quoted the world over. That would be a way to change it... right?
Thanks for being here, and for sharing your thoughts.
Mormon Guy
I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD TOO! Okay, seriously, I'm not joking... My biggest issue is with poverty. I want to have an impact on education, nutrition, etc in countries that need it. I'm studying to be a scientist because I have often felt that's the path that'll take me there...
ReplyDelete...and when I look at how poorly I'll probably do on my preliminary exams I wonder if I'll ever get that far.
I think that somehow all of us who are close to our Father in Heaven and get to know our Savior end up having the same righteous desire. I think He wants us to. After all, that's a Christlike quality, don't you think? Perhaps by trying to achieve something great we'll help just one of our spirit siblings return back to our Father's presence... and that just might be enough.
As far as loving in love, don't know what to tell you there. Even if you DID like girls... It happens when it happens :P
One of my life goals is to have a positive influence on the world around me. I would be very satisfied to leave a positive and lasting mark on many other people. I hope that I do. However, for me anyway, at some point I realized that perhaps the greatest acheivement I'll ever have will be to simply use the Atonement in my life to receive my exaltation, through the grace of our Savior. If I can manage that, then everything else is a bonus. For that matter, the best way to help others to follow Christ is through example. A righteous life is an immeasurably powerful force for good in the world. Keep your dreams and follow them, but remember that there's a foundation centered on our purpose in life, without which those dreams will be impossible. I don't doubt that you know this. Yes, keep your dreams and follow them.
ReplyDelete