Auditions for Grace: Jan 14 @ 7:00

Auditions for grace - the new a cappella group I'm starting - will be January 14 at 7:00, in the Varsity Theater at BYU. Follow the facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/graceacappella for information.

This is going to be great.

grace

Tonight I'm performing at the annual North Star Christmas fireside. I'm singing O Holy Night, and as of earlier this week I'm the last participant on the program. It should be good.

The last week has given me thought. Last week at the BYU A Cappella Jam, 8 groups performed and it gave me insight into what the groups stand for. There's a new group on campus that, when they began... I got the impression that they were focused completely on sharing the gospel. I've been watching to see if they would be a good fit, but at the A Cappella Jam they put final confirmation on my thoughts - their set made me cringe. I wasn't a fan of the innuendo, the lyric choices, the choreography... *sigh*

And so that put the final stamp on my desire to start something else. Mix the service and dedication of MoTab with the message of K-LOVE... to the vocal style of A Cappella. And you get grace.

We'll have two basic tenets: performances every week, and only music that has a powerful positive message.

With performances every week, we'll have to be focused deeply on service to others. Setting up a concert each week doesn't work, so we'll sing in rest homes, on the streets, wherever we can find a place to share a smile. And by singing only music with a powerful positive message, we'll be different.

I don't know if it'll be an all-guys group or mixed. I'm leaning toward mixed right now. It all depends on who I can find who is willing/able to be a part of it at auditions in January. If you know anyone who loves a cappella, is a great singer, and would love to dedicate a chunk of their lives to service and singing (BYU student or not - it won't be just students), send them my way.

I think I'll throw myself headlong into this. A cappella is one of my passions, and building a group focused on good - the type of group that could bridge the gap between the Christian and LDS music worlds - that sounds pretty awesome. I'll just need to get up the guts to leverage the resources that are available in the community here. There are composers who could write music for a group. People who love to sing. Places to perform and people to serve. I just need to do it.

This is going to be so much harder than just showing up to MoTab.

But... if it works out, and even if it doesn't, it'll be so much more worth it.

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Resolution

I got a letter today from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. My brother saw it in the mail, called my family back in Chicago, and watched as I opened it. I could tell there was only one piece of paper in the envelope, and something inside me braced.

But the bracing wasn't really necessary. Any news is good news when you're focusing on doing the right thing and simply waiting for the Lord to give direction. So there wasn't a rush of emotions as I looked down at the paper and saw little checks by the areas of "Appropriate Vibrato" and "Vocal Style." From seeing those, I knew that the letter was not an invitation to join the choir. A moment later, a wave of unasked relief washed over me. I had felt like I should try out. Part of me wanted to be in the choir. I willingly signed away 5 years of my life to be a musical missionary, and the simple thought of being a missionary again made my blood race.

Except...

I feel total peace right now. And the relief is still there. And I think I know why now.

I've had only one concern about my participation in MoTab. It wasn't a big concern... just something at the back of my mind that made me wonder if it was the right place for me. It's been totally tangential and seemed to not really matter. My one concern was that... the Mormon Tabernacle Choir doesn't perform the style of singing that opens me up inside. Singing in church choirs is amazing. Don't get me wrong. Performing in church is something that I love. But choral pieces, at least in the history of the choir, all have a similar style, and it's not the play-with-it pop/jazz/whatever I want that makes music sing for me. And maybe Mack could tell that just from reading my musical resume and listening to me sing. Or God could.

I'm not trying to do a sour grapes routine. Singing with MoTab would have been an amazing experience, and maybe God will prompt me to try out again sometime in the next 30 years. But as I sit here with the letter that I haven't actually read all the way through yet, and maybe won't, I'm far more focused on the concert that I have tonight with my a cappella group... and finding something like that, scaled up a bit, would make me even more excited that a spot in the choir loft. Last night at practice, between practicing numbers for tonight's show, we started singing Christmas songs. And, since we know each other well, we play with it. No preparation. No one calling the shots. Just 8 guys listening to each other, singing together, having fun. Switching styles, pushing tempos, chopping words... and laughing, singing, and it sounds amazing. Amazing enough that we won't have to practice for our Christmas stuff. We can just do it, and be awesome... even if someone calls in a request. As long as we have someone who knows the words, and maybe another two to start the chord progression... we can sing and make it beautiful. And that - the feeling of being totally free, not bound down by notes or tempos or rhythm or anything else... the ability to do anything and have it be good... that's the reason I sing. I thought that I was trying to find it in MoTab. And yet I've found a piece of it with 7 other guys in Provo.

It's not a dream choir... and there are things I would change. We only practice twice a week for an hour or two, and we definitely don't have the performance schedule of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Most of us are crazy busy with school, work, life... and we're losing our beat-boxer in January because of a music job he's taking in Reno. But it's good in the moment. And, for the moment, that's good enough. Maybe someday I'll have the guts to try to move it in the direction I want to go... or make my own group to travel that way. Who knows. :)

You're invited to come to our concert tonight. It's at 8:00pm in the JSB auditorium on BYU campus. We're group #6 out of 8 groups total performing. We'll just be singing 3 songs. Then hopefully sometime soon we'll do some fun other performances. Walk through the mall singing impromptu Christmas songs... carol at care centers... and we have at least one corporate Christmas party that signed us up to perform. Ideas? For Christmas stuff we don't even need everyone to be available... since we just play. :)

And now I find myself wondering:
What's next?

Thanks for your support, your prayers, and your love. I'm glad to know and feel that God is actively involved in my life.


Update: A few weeks later I started Grace. Grace was a semester-long a cappella group that had a blast. We went from strangers to performing full-length concerts at the Covey Center in Provo in just 11 weeks. Follow this link to hear Grace's cover of Pompeii on Spotify.

Or here on Google Play.

Reconciling Faith and Feelings: 2013 Conference

Sometimes I feel so out of place.

Yesterday was the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference, hosted by AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists), FAR (the Foundation for Attraction Research), and North Star International. It was at the Utah Valley Convention Center from 9-5.

I played a couple of different roles yesterday. A couple guys from my a cappella group Morris Code were willing to be dragged into performing; we were short enough members to make it work when we performed in the morning and the afternoon, so I grabbed some people I knew walking by. "Hey! Will you sing with us right now?" We opened the morning session of the conference singing "Our Savior's Love" and the afternoon session with "Let Us All Press On." So I got to be a performer.

After the opening song, I sat down in the one empty chair on the stand became part of the first panel - people who personally experience same-sex attraction. After long-ish personal introductions, we discussed a topic that roamed for an hour, then had a short break before moving to Q&A. I suggested to the moderator that we put 6 minute time limits on the questions... so that we didn't lose people to falling asleep and so we could get to lots of questions. They ended up doing it, which was really nice.

During the breaks, however, was where I felt out of place. If I know what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm okay. But if I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing... I'm like a fish out of water. Am I supposed to spend short periods of time with lots of people, so that I can talk with all of them? Spend longer talking with one person who wants to talk with me? Somewhere in between? Go meet new people? Talk with people I already know? So complicated.

I'm pretty sure I ended up brushing some people off and spending too much time talking with others. Standoffish to some, maybe arrogant or detached... yeah. Big, unstructured events hide a seething vat of bad impressions waiting to be born.

The conference itself felt like it went well, though as time went on I definitely got more and more tired. Next year, hopefully they break stuff up more, and I think that they should give more time to the first panel at the expense of the others. But it's a learning experience. I don't think we had any professional conference planners involved in the process.

I asked two questions during the Q&A. The first one didn't get asked, but the second one did - which was cool, because there were a lot of questions submitted through texting. This was my question:
"SSA is 1 of many issues I face. I can't find a therapist who can grasp all of them as a whole. After a dozen, each gets only part of it. How can I find someone?"

The first answer let me know that I hadn't put enough information in the question, by remarking that most therapists don't really need to 'specialize' in something to be able to help clients make improvements. And yet, at least from my perspective, that doesn't feel accurate. I've had therapists who felt like they didn't know how to address being autistic, and others (who were admittedly new in the field) who had no idea how to help me with autism, mood disorders, and SSA.

The conversation continued until Ty mentioned that he felt there were definite exceptions to the "find a therapist you can connect with and it's good" rule - mental illness. Obviously, since I'm not an expert in the terminology of social psych, I didn't know that mental illness doesn't count as an issue. It's something wholly different. *sigh* Next time, I'll ask something different. Or I'll just get up the nerve to ask someone in person. But either way, I got the answer - I need to find someone who specializes in each of the major mental disorders I face, as well as someone I can click with.

In that moment, I realized that I already have a great therapist, albeit one who makes me work for advice. Christ gets me, and He's pretty much a specialist in everything I face. And He doesn't ever tell me something that makes me want to find someone else to replace Him. Yeah. *sigh*

The conference was recorded, so you can watch it if you missed it when it becomes available, probably sometime in the next month. At least watch the first panel (not just to see my shining face... though that's not a bad reason), because most of the people I talked with said they liked it best.

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Phase III

November 13th came, and I dressed up and arrived to door 25 of the Tabernacle ready to sing "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" in the key of F.

My audition time was at 3:40, which was interesting... since most of the auditions had actually happened a week earlier. I had heard some horror stories from friends of friends, but they didn't really sound all that horrific. I mean, how horrific is it to ask someone to sing without vibrato? Unless you're an opera star and can't. Then I guess that would strike horror.

I arrived and got two pieces of paperwork to fill out. One talked about choir expectations, along with the attendance requirements, etc, and the other was a volunteer performer contract/release. That's so that the choir, or the Church, can use my likeness/voice/name/anything however they want in perpetuity throughout the universe without having to do any more legal footwork in the future. One thing caught my attention though - in something like section 10 of the contract, it said that I committed to never blogging or publishing any article through media or social media that was directly or indirectly about the Church, the Choir, or any of its affiliated groups.

Um.

That's all I blog about. Or tweet about. That's a problem.

I starred that section for followup.

3:40 came and I went in to talk with the choir president, who explained the expectations of the choir and asked if I'd be able to meet them, and also asked me what prompted me to try out for the choir this year. I told him part of the long story that had brought me to his office, and he gave some advice about how to take it if I didn't get in. I think I'll be ok. :) We also talked about some other stuff, he commented that I looked relaxed, and I went on to the real part of the audition. Before I left, I asked about the social media policy.

He said that in the past social media was totally prohibited. Ever. You couldn't really talk about being in the choir or much of anything on social media. But... that had just changed and he was happy to relate that the new policy encouraged people to blog/tweet/facebook anything that was not detrimental or confidential.

Sigh of relief.

So I'm ok blogging about my experience as long as I don't share anything that shouldn't be part of public knowledge... and as long as I don't guess or project what will happen in the future to the choir.

The accompanist, Linda, met me in the hall outside Ron's office and we walked quickly downstairs; she asked what hymn I was singing, in which key, and mentioned that she would just give me a starting chord and we'd go.

It was really that fast.

I walked in, and stood at a music stand in front of a piano where Linda sat down. About 15-20 feet away from me Ryan and Mack sat at a long table covered in papers. Mack did most of the talking, thanked me for coming, and told me that I had been prayed for, so I could relax (cue the theatrical sigh). Then he said, "We'll invite you to sing a hymn of your choice in the key of your choice." And  Linda played the starting note for my song while I tried to say, "I'll be singing 'I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go' in the key of F." I didn't get to finish the statement, and began singing, definitely not ready.

I hadn't really taken a breath before beginning, and the rough start shook me up pretty bad... to the point that my voice was definitely not up to its normal par. They rifled through papers while I was singing. Mack stopped me before the chorus and said, "I see that you have a lot of musical theater background. Your voice has a pop-ish lilt to it... could you sing that again, and take the pop out? There's nothing wrong with it, just for our purposes... does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it does."

Linda played the starting notes again, and this time I was prepared.

I sang a solid tone, without added vibrato or pop inflection in the timing, and Mack and Ryan smiled. And I felt like I had redeemed myself.

Mack cut me off earlier that time. "That's great."

"If you would look at the first page, we're going to do some sight-singing. You signed up as a baritone - what part do you normally sing?"

"Um... I don't know. I sang first tenor in the opera, and second bass in my a cappella group."

"Yeah. That makes sense. People in musical theater usually end up running the gamut. We'll have you sing both then. Start with the tenor line. Linda will play the other three parts, and you'll sing yours."

I started singing and messed up the very first interval. He stopped me.

"Let's try again, and I'll help you with that first interval."

I made it through the song and messed up on the second to last note. But I could tell, and as he said, "You did great up until the very last measure," I sang the last measure again. Another smile, "That's it."

"Now try the bass line."

I sang the bass line, and, again, messed up the second to last note. And again, fixed it while he was explaining I had missed it.

"If you'll turn to the next page, you'll sing the part that's written there. Linda will give you the starting note, but after that you're on your own. The treble clef and bass clef are the same - you can sing from either part."

I read from the treble clef (I should have read from the bass... but it was really low on the page), and sang. And, again, messed up on the second to last note. "You did great until the..." and I fixed it. I see a pattern here.

The last sight-reading section was intervals. There were a bunch of measures with four notes in them; Linda gave me the starting pitch and I sang the measures on "La," following the rhythm and the pitch. The first few were easy, since I had practiced them. I hit one where I made a mistake, and Mack had me do it again. So I traced the places of the notes and fixed it. It happened again on the next one. The last interval... yeah. I think I did that one a dozen times. But I got it. And we all laughed when I did. That was my favorite part about the audition - getting honest, direct feedback and being able to put it into action, even though it was hard and stressful... and knowing that they really cared about me. I think I fell in love with Mack and Ryan during that measure. The real kind of love.

The last part was testing timbre and range. We had a discussion about which part I sang again, and then they had me go down... then up, all the way through falsetto/head voice. Mack remarked that usually you can tell what part people should sing just by listening to them. "But you're... somewhere between a tenor and a bass... that's good for you, because it means you're more flexible and you have more options." He said they would look at me based on their needs in the choir.

They said thank you, I said thank you, and I walked out while the next guy walked in.

And felt awesome.

The great part is that I feel like it was good enough. My biggest concern was that I would go to the audition and get in the way of what God wants to happen. That I would be so bad that, even if I was supposed to be in the choir, God wouldn't bother telling Mack and Ryan to say yes to me. But I feel like I was good enough that, now, it can be up to God to take care of it. If I get in, then I'll go there. "But if by a still small voice [God] calls to paths that I do not know..." I'll go where He wants me to go.

I should know in about two weeks, either way. Then choir school starts on January 2.

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Resolution

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Phase II

October 12th arrived, and early in the morning I drove to Salt Lake City (dressed up this time), parked beneath the Conference Center, and joined a tiny group of people rubbing their hands together outside the Tabernacle.

We were 15 minutes early, but they let us inside. We went downstairs under the Tabernacle into a large room filled with long tables. I took a front row seat after returning my book and calling out my name (twice) to people checking attendance on opposite sides of the room.

The room filled quickly, with names being called out again and again, until all but one person was accounted for. She arrived, all 108 of us were there.

We had been asked to bring nothing but a water bottle to the test. On the table at each seat was a sharpened #2 pencil and a two-sided multiple-choice testing form. The woman to my right said she was a piano teacher, and the one on her right taught voice. I mentioned that I had never taken a theory class... but none of us really knew what to expect.

One of the choir staff (he said his usual duty is herding cats) introduced us to the process and spent about 20 minutes emphasizing the time / energy commitment required to perform with the choir.

The test itself is divided into multiple different sections, but follows the letter that they had sent almost exactly. Most of the time for the test was spent on aural skills - they put in a CD, pressed play, and we followed the instructions. I learned early on that it was good to be in the front row; the voice-over style of the CD's was probably from decades ago... and they could only turn it up so loud.

When one CD or testing sheet was done, they handed out another... and another... and maybe even a fourth. I felt pretty confident in all the sections but one - feeling for the tonal center - and in that section I was pretty sure I'd rack up most of my errors.

These are the sections that were covered in the listening test (taken directly from the letter they sent out - the test covered exactly these sections):

• Tonal Memory (aural): 
• Listen to a solid chord and an arpeggiated chord. Decide if the first (1st), second (2nd), third (3rd), or fourth (4th) note of the arpeggiated chord is changed from the notes in the solid chord. 
• Melody Recognition (aural): 
• Listen to a melody played alone, then harmonized. In the harmonized version, decide if the melody is in the highest, middle, or lowest part. 
• Pitch Recognition (aural): 
• Listen to the key tone (first note shown) and determine the pitch of the second note. Decide if the first, second, third, or none of the pitches following the key tone is the pitch shown. 
• Major-Minor Mode Discrimination (aural):
• Listen to the two chords in question. Decide if they are major or minor. 
• Listen to a phrase. Decide if it is in major or minor or if it changes mode. 
• Feeling for Tonal Center (key tone, key center) (aural):
• Listen to four chords of the key. Then listen to three tones played separately and decide which is the key tone.
• Listen to a phrase. Decide which of the notes is the key tone. 
• Auditory-Visual Discrimination (aural and visual):
• Listen to four measures. Identify which measures are played differently in pitch from the notation. 
• Listen to four measures. Identify which measures are played differently in rhythm from the notation. 
• Musical Aptitude (aural): 
• Your natural aptitude for musical activity is tested by a series of short musical statements followed by musical answers. You are asked to determine whether they are alike or different either tonally or rhythmically.

After some sections there were audible sighs of relief from the crowd of people. But after a few hours the listening part was over. Then we had a short break and they passed out an 8-10? 18? (I don't remember really how long it was) written music theory test. This was the test that built from the textbook, and was significantly shorter than I expected. We were given a piece of paper with a piano keyboard on it (for reference) and could write on the test, which was multiple choice. It followed the study guide they had sent exactly.

I finished the test, turned it in, and walked out into the cold late morning, watching hopeful family members standing outside the Tabernacle door. I think seeing me probably made them hopeful that they could go home soon. One asked me how it had gone. "Some sections were totally different from what I had expected... but I feel like it went really well." And I did feel confident. Confident enough that I told my friends and family, "If I didn't pass... then I probably don't belong in the choir... since I felt pretty sure in my answers."

The people helping us with the test gave us a little bit of information on what to expect for the future. Specifically, they told us to expect written results by mail, and that it would take about two weeks since the tests were hand-graded - they hoped to get them out by the 24th (12 days later). And he told us, three times in a row, "Do not call the choir office."

When someone asked how many spots were available in the choir, the person up front said he couldn't tell us that. He did say that spots are filled from both retirees (who retire in April of each year) and people who resign (who can do that at any point, without giving prior notice). About 27(?) are retiring next April, and he mentioned 5 people who had retired in the two weeks prior to our test. So that means there are at least 32 spots (number of retiree + people who have resigned)... though, in all probability, there are more (because assuming all the resignations happened in a two-week period doesn't make sense). Someone asked how that was broken up between men & women, and we all learned something really cool: the Mormon Tabernacle Choir doesn't have equal numbers of men & women. They don't take equal numbers. The directors listen to the choir and add voices as they feel are needed for their goals.

It took a bit longer than 2 weeks for the letter to arrive - I got mine on the 29th of October; the letter was dated October 24. I found myself wondering if I could weigh it (like some people do with mission calls) to determine if it was a yes or no answer. That takes way longer than opening it.

The letter this time had some specific information in it. Along with the "we are pleased to advance you to Phase III," it had my personal audition time (this Wednesday, Nov 13, at 3:40pm), and an attached sheet of paper with my scores from the music skills assessment.

The score sheet is interesting. Each part of the test is divided into sections, with 12 total scored sections. It shows the possible maximum score (between 8 and 99, depending on scoring), and then has three categories - strong, average, and weak. An example: in the section on intervals, the maximum possible is 8. Strong is 8-7, Average is 6-5, Weak is 4-0. It didn't have exact scores written in on the sheet - just which of the categories you placed in, circled. So the 8-7 was circled on my score sheet - I scored "Strong" in intervals.

I scored "Strong" in all of the sections but one - Feeling for Tonal Center. There I scored "Average." And since that was the section that I had thought I had bombed, I was happy. :)

I'm not really sure what "Strong, "Average," and "Weak" really mean. Is average a comparative to the general population at large? The required level needed for the choir? A comparison among the people who took the test that day? Could I have moved on with a "Weak" score? Maybe having ranges, instead of exact scores, makes it easier for the choir administration to look at people's entire profile (their CD, background, etc) instead of having a firm cutoff for who moves on and who doesn't.

Phase III is coming up in 3 days. This is what I'm expecting (from the letter they sent):

• Arrive early, warmed up and ready to sing (and fill out paperwork)
• Have a short interview with the Choir President (Ron Jarrett - he's one of the choir's champions for social media and appealing to a younger audience... so he might actually read this post)
• Meet with Mack Wilberg, Ryan Murphy, and a choir accompanist
• Perform the hymn I prepared
• Each person prepares to sing the melody line of a hymn of his choice, in the key of his choice. I'll be singing "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" in the key of F (its original key).
• Side note: This hymn is really symbolic for me. If God wants me in the choir, I'll go. If not, then He will have other plans for me. It's become one of my favorite hymns. The awesome thing about life with God at the reins is that I don't really need to worry. I do my best, and He will put me in the best place to serve. If I'm supposed to be in the choir, it will happen, even if I croak during the audition. If not, it doesn't matter how well I sing. So I can focus on doing my best, and let God take care of everything else.
• Perform rhythm, musical memory, and sight-reading exercises
• Anything else they ask to better hear my voice

And then I should hear back, by mail, two or three weeks later.

Crazy exciting. Wednesday at 3:40. Pray for me?

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Phase III

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Phase I

Each year the Mormon Tabernacle Choir holds auditions for hopeful singers in the Church. There are approximately 400 members in the choir, and with a maximum tenure of 20 years, at least 20 people (on average) retire each year. In reality, the number of open spots is a bit higher, since not everyone stays that long.

This year there are at least 33 spots available (at least that's what I could deduce from the vague remarks given during the music theory test). But I'm getting ahead of myself.

On July 1st, the audition packet became available and people could begin the 10-month process of getting a seat in the choir.

The requirements to begin the process are:

1. Be between 25 and 55 (on the day you would become a member of the choir - April 30 following the year you apply)
2. Be a temple-worthy member of the Church
3. Live within 100 miles of Temple Square (currently)
4. Be physically able to perform in the choir (they sometimes stand for literally hours)
5. Be able to meet family/work responsibilities while spending 10-20 hours each week (minimum) on the choir.

If you feel like you match up (and I felt like I did), you go on to Phase I, which was due by mail about a month and a half after the auditions opened.

Phase I includes three parts:

• A bishop's recommendation
• An audition packet
• An audition CD/tape (I was sort of shocked that they accept audio cassettes. I don't think I even have a way of listening to one anymore. But, then again, the average age trying out is a generation older than mine)

The bishop's recommendation asks your bishop to interview you to determine if you're temple-worthy and to certify that you currently live within 100 miles of Temple Square. He also states that he thinks you will be able to balance the demands of the choir along with your profession, family responsibilities, and other important demands.

The audition form essentially asks for your history in music and the Church. You put down information about past choirs, music teachers, degrees or classes in music, performances, past callings, and a signature asserting that you realize how much of a time commitment the choir is... and that you are willing and able to meet that requirement.

The audition CD (or tape) is the time-consuming part. I'd assume that it's pretty similar from year to year. I have a friend who has a recording studio; together we created different tracks for each requirement for the CD. These are the requirements as I remember them:

1. Sing the first verse of a hymn (they gave us three choices)
1. Play the starting note on a piano and announce the note ("the starting note is A")
2. Sing the hymn without accompaniment, as you would normally sing it
3. Play the ending note on a piano and announce the note ("the ending note is A")
2. Sing part of the hymn loud
3. Sing part of the hymn soft
4. Sing part of the hymn straight tone (without vibrato)
5. Sing a vocal exercise going upward to show your range (they gave us the exercise)
6. Sing a vocal exercise going downward to show your range (they gave us the exercise)
7. Sing a vocal exercise to show your vocal agility (ability to change notes quickly) in a key (they gave us the exercise)
8. Sing the agility exercise in a second key
9. Sing the agility exercise in a third key

The entire CD is done without accompaniment, including the vocal exercises. I was really glad to have a friend who knew what he was doing. It was a cool experience, but being in a recording studio made me feel incredibly vulnerable. It was just my voice and a microphone... and I could hear everything. Every tiny wobble, every breath. Performing with music is a thousand times easier.

We finished the CD, recorded each requirement to its own track, and I stuck the bishop recommendation / audition application / CD together in a padded envelope in the mail.


Audition packets needed to be postmarked by August 15th.

After a few weeks, since I knew Phase II was approaching and I was getting ready for a week-long trip to Washington DC, I called the choir office to see when the results would go out. I've learned since that you're not supposed to call. Either way, they were really nice, and actually told me the results had gone out the day before in the mail before I could even ask.

I checked the mail when it came an hour later, and a letter was there from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The letter was dated September 13; I received it on the 17th.

The letter said that almost 250 people tried out this round, and that I had been invited to come to Phase II (the music theory/listening skills test), on October 12. There wasn't anything personal in the letter - just an invitation to move on to the next round. It also said I could call the choir office and pick up a copy of the textbook required to prepare for the music theory test.

I called the choir office about ten seconds later, mixed in somewhere with texting my family and posting a status update on Facebook and Twitter.

The receptionist was a bit startled when I mentioned that I needed a copy of the textbook. "We just sent the letters out yesterday. Did you receive your letter?" Yes, I did... so could I pick up a textbook later that day? Yes.

What the letter, and the receptionist, did not say was that there was a dress code expected throughout the audition process. That hadn't been included anywhere in the materials up to that point, and I expected the choir office to be somewhere public where just anyone could walk in from the street. So when I showed up to the choir office while I was up in Salt Lake City and had a few spare moments between projects... and had a few days of scruff, slightly rumpled T-shirt and jeans, and mussed hair... I instantly realized that I was somewhat out of place. After buzzing the doorbell, the door opened and I walked down the stairs to a hallway with lots of people walking by. Everyone was in suits.

Then again, I'm pretty used to feeling out of place in social situations. Autism does that. You just keep going. But I definitely felt like I should have been dressed better.

I picked up a copy of the textbook to study for the music theory test from the choir office, a copy of "Basic Materials in Music Theory" (the eighth edition), and over the next few weeks read the whole thing cover to cover. There was a study guide, and that was all I really needed to know for the test, but I had never taken a music theory course before... and had always wanted to. So I was happy to read it.

About a week before the Phase II test, I got an email from the choir office (yes, they do use email... I had been wondering after getting a letter in the mail) that detailed the dress code (now they tell me) for the entire audition process, parking details, and exactly what to expect for Phase II.

My Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir: Phase II

Any Sacrifice Is Worth It

Each Saturday morning I work at the Provo temple as an ordinance worker. And each Saturday morning, as I stop and listen... I feel like life is all in place. Everything I'm dealing with stays outside the temple walls, and for a few hours I'm free from the problems and issues I face. Safe, free, happy, and whole. I feel like I belong. I feel loved and valued and know that I'm making a difference. And life is worth it.

The transcendent moments I find there in the temple remind me that keeping the commandments always brings the greatest happiness. Pornography might be exciting. Hooking up with a guy might feel good. Dating and marrying a guy might fill a real desire to love and be loved. But staying close to God, and keeping His commandments, will always bring greater blessings than any other alternative... for everyone.

I wish I could go back to myself ten years ago, when I was deep in addiction and fighting to stay alive day to day... and been able to share the hope and peace and faith that I feel now. To be able to say, "David. It's okay. If you're willing to push through the hardest parts of your trials, and come closer to God and really be humble... life will have hope and peace and happiness. You can do it, and it's worth moving forward."

But, then again, maybe the faith that I've developed came in part because I didn't know if it was possible. Faith to turn to God and trust Him when I didn't know what to do or even hope for. Because I, like a lot of people, thought I was the only person in the church trying to live and be attracted to guys... and definitely had no role models to look up to.

To anyone who is struggling with faith... I want to say that it's worth fighting for. It's worth the pain, isolation, frustration, anxiety, loneliness, sorrow, and anything else that will make me humble enough to open my heart to God. Ideally, I'd be willing to do it without going through pain. But I know that's not the case in my life - God has pushed me through the fire so that I would turn to Him.

It's worth it. The gospel is worth it. Having to never have a family, or never get married, or never have friends, for all of life, is worth it. Anything is worth sacrificing to God for the salvation that He offers. Chances are, He'll ask me to sacrifice the things I value most - to see whether I truly trust Him and place Him first. If I refuse to believe that He would ask me to sacrifice the deepest desires of my heart... I will never be able to truly follow Him when He calls. But if I'm willing to have faith, give Him everything and let Him lead and guide me, the rewards are infinite.

Living the gospel is so worth it. Just keep living. Have faith. Be patient - even if it means all of life. God will make up for it all in the end... and support me in my day-to-day.

Gay Mormon Law of Chastity - Part 2

Last post was about the basic law of chastity, as it's (from my perspective) applied doctrinally and culturally towards the opposite gender.

This is about the Law of Chastity as it applies to the same gender: guys/guys... or girls/girls.

Before I go anywhere, there is a vitally important point to make at the beginning:

Doctrines are eternal, universal, and unchanging. The doctrines of the law of chastity must apply equally to each person, regardless of same-gender attraction or non-attraction. That means that if (taking from the last post) it's okay for a straight guy to kiss a girl, it's okay for a gay guy to kiss a girl. Ultimately, there is just ONE doctrine for the Law of Chastity... and it's in the conclusion at the end. Everything else is a cultural pull that causes trouble.

The different groups from the last post were:

1. Missionaries
2. Currently Married
3. 16 and under
4. Single

Again:

Doctrine: Things that are OK have clearly illustrated examples in Church hierarchy, statements, scripture, or stories. Things that are NOT OK have clear and specific statements that prohibit them.

Culture: Things that are OK are issues that are accepted by the populace at large and have not been addressed by official Church statements. Things that are NOT OK are either prohibited to leaders and/or frowned upon but not specifically prohibited by the general Church population.

And one more definition.
Sexual relations of any kind include any acts involving sexual organs, pornography, and masturbation.


Missionary Same-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together alone (on exchanges)
- Writing personal notes/ letters to people outside the mission
- Writing personal notes/ letters to people outside your area
- Writing notes to people inside your area (without romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Looking at each other
- Sitting next to each other
- Being in the same vehicle
- Hugging
- Sleeping in the same location (companion in the same room)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Sleeping in the same bed
- Dating
- Passionate Kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- Professional contact (doctor)
- Bacci (cheek-kisses)
- Other types of cultural touch
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing (non-cultural)


This one is pretty simple, but isn't as straightforward as the opposite-gender guidelines. Missionaries live with someone that is the same gender. In fact, they must always be together. Major physical differences: they can be alone together, sleep in the same room, hug, and cross the cultural barrier that comes from bacci or other cultural touch (...yes, I served in Italy. I am constantly thinking about missionary work in Italy...)

The two fuzzy areas come clear with in light of the guidelines given to missionaries as a whole. Don't engage in anything that is going to jeopardize having the Spirit... and don't develop a romantic relationship with your companion. If your companion is having a breakdown on the couch, it's totally okay to go over, wrap your arms around him, and just stay there until he's okay. That's probably what you should do. And as far as hand-holding goes, I remember being at a soccer game in Napoli where the only reason I didn't become hopelessly lost (at least in my memory, which is abysmal) was that my companion pulled me along by hand through the fray.

Actually cuddling just to cuddle, or holding hands to hold hands, between the same gender, isn't addressed anywhere that I've personally seen. I think it would fall under the counsel of avoiding romantic relationships if both people were attracted to each other.

Next, married men and women, interacting with members of the same sex.


Married Same-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters (assuming no romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Being alone in a car
- Being alone in a closed room
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing 
- Passionate kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding Hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK


There are a couple differences for married people when you cross over to relationships with the same gender. The biggest ones are that holding hands, cuddling, and falling asleep in each others' arms are no longer doctrinally barred. You can see that in historical examples in the Church - the first one that comes to mind was Joseph Smith, sleeping on the floor with some of his closest friends in prisons or traveling. (Side note: From my limited perspective, hand-holding and cuddling seems to have been a readily occurring part of normal male intimacy throughout history... until about the 1950's. During the time of Christ, the Apostles actually laid around the table and rested their heads on one another (which would definitely count as cuddling today). Ironically, today many guys avoid 'intimate' touch like hand-holding or cuddling out of a desire to not be labeled homosexual (ironic because people who lived pre-1950, when the understanding of same-sex attraction was definitely different from today, may have actually had an easier time getting positive touch from the people close to them without incurring social stigma).

The fuzzy area, like always, has at least one thing that can help make it slightly clearer. The injunction is "Do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings."

The biggest pro and con with that counsel is that it applies differently to each individual person. If a married man never does anything with another guy that arouses sexual feelings, then he's fine. But without really clear distinctions of what is okay, there's the fuzzy area. On that account, holding a guy in a bear hug, or falling asleep like Joseph did with his friends, may be totally okay for me... yet totally not okay for the other guy involved.


Next up, kids and teenagers.


Pre-16 Single Same-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
NOT OK
- Passionate kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding hands
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing


With younger kids, there's the same fuzzy area as in opposite gender interactions. But this one doesn't resolve as cleanly.

There are cultures that are totally okay with holding hands with the same gender. America is one of those - women walking down the street holding hands are totally okay. Right now there seems to be growing pressure on both sides of that issue - some people barring boys from holding hands with other boys, some not caring, and (if I can remember accurately), there's a growing group of young teenagers in Britain who are totally heterosexual who just hold hands with their best same-gender friends just because.

Cuddling and falling asleep in each others' arms are along the same lines. Not part of the doctrinal discussion, but definitely part of the cultural one, with strong evidence pointing to cultural pulls on one side and the other.

Again, "do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings."


And now for the spot where most people with SSA live. Singles.


Single (Everyone Else) Same-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- Be alone together
- Sleeping in the same location 
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Passionate Kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
 - - - - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding Hands
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Public Displays of Affection - PDA


Cuddling and sleeping together follow the same pattern as everyone else. Single guys or girls can cuddle or sleep together and be okay. As before, there are strong cultural feelings about it... and where you live or who you live with will have a big influence on those.
 
And then there's kissing. There is a very strong cultural pull on the NOT OK side of The Line. I think that kissing crosses over The Line. Either way, it's playing with fire. My suggestion: don't kiss.


Ultimately, right now there is a lot more fuzzy area in the world of same-sex applications of the Law of Chastity. There is one way to clear up all the fuzzy spots... and I think this is the take-away in my mind.

"Do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings [in you or in others]." (ref)

This is the Law of Chastity and the standard that is expected of every Church member, among all their interactions - with men or women - outside of marriage between a man and a woman. There is no distinction for gay or straight, male or female. It applies perfectly to every situation and ensures that everyone who follows it will always be safe behind The Line.

The issue is that, while perfect and universal, that principle can be rough to apply.

Relying on personal inspiration and being aware of your feelings at every given moment is a crazy huge amount of work. Most sexual sins happen in the moment. And since all physical contact with both sexes causes the release of oxytocin, which interferes with cognitive processing (makes you temporarily dreamy/stupid), realizing what is happening in the moment is even more work.

With opposite-gender interactions, we have a map of what will probably ignite sexual feelings. If you're not involved in passionate kissing, then you probably aren't going to go further. But with same-gender interactions, where so much can seem fuzzy, The Line can easily be in one place one day... and in another place the next. Is it okay to cuddle with another guy? Is it okay to hold hands? In avoiding situations that arouse sexual feelings in ourselves and others we have to navigate the world of our own feelings, our temptations, our weaknesses and strengths, as well as those of others.

It's possible. Following the principles of God's Plan of Happiness will always bring greater happiness and peace, for everyone.

But it's definitely more complicated.

Gay Mormon Law of Chastity - Part 1

Is kissing OK? Cuddling? Making out?

Being gay and Mormon is honestly confusing at times. This is the first in a two-part series on the Law of Chastity - specifically, what is okay and what is not within both official Mormon doctrine and unofficial (yet still very influential) Mormon culture.

To start out, current teachings about the Law of Chastity, with its many appendage counsels, seem very much to be designed with straight people in mind. I remember knowing as early as 12 exactly what lines I wasn't supposed to cross with a girl, even if I had no idea what petting or necking meant. (Petting means touching the sexual areas of another person, with or without clothing; necking now means "passionate kissing")

First we'll talk about the most restrictive form of chastity - what is expected from missionaries in contact with someone of the opposite sex, according to doctrine and culture.

Doctrine: Things that are OK have clearly illustrated examples in Church hierarchy, statements, or stories. Things that are NOT OK have clear and specific statements that prohibit them.

Culture: Things that are OK are issues that are accepted by the populace at large and have not been addressed by official Church statements. Things that are NOT OK are either prohibited to leaders and/or frowned upon but not specifically prohibited by the general Church population.


Missionary Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together with your companion and another person of your gender present
- Writing personal notes / letters to people outside the mission
- Writing notes to people inside your area (without romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Looking at each other
- Sitting next to each other
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Writing letters to people outside your area in the mission
- Being in the same vehicle without another person of your gender
- Being in the same room without another person of your gender (exception: leaders during interviews when companion is just outside the door)
- Holding hands (outside of group prayer)
- Hugging
- Cuddling
- Dating
- Sleeping in the same location
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- Kissing
- Passionate Kissing
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- Professional contact (doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
Bacci (cheek-kisses)
Other types of cultural touch


That's pretty straightforward. The only romantic outlet for missionaries is writing letters to people back home. Everything else is safely behind The Line to remind them and others that they are representatives of Christ... and to keep them safe. And, even though sometimes the placement of The Line may cause cultural issues (I had people get really mad at me for not allowing them to give me bacci), for the most part it works. The extra additions here (compared to the following groups) are with the addition of moral counsel from the white handbook (missionary guide).

Next we'll move on to the next most stringent application - married men and women, interacting with members of the opposite sex.


Married Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters (assuming no romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging (short)
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Holding Hands (outside of group prayer)

- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- Kissing
- Laying on top of each other
- Passionate kissing
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- Professional performance (e.g., kissing on-stage as an actor in a tasteful performance)
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Being alone in a car
- Being alone in a closed room (exception for leaders interviewing; there must be someone outside)


Some interesting differences: it's okay for married people to hug and they can engage in cultural stuff like bacci, as well as professional performance which is allowed by culture though not addressed doctrinally. Either way, The Line is pretty clear. Anything beyond The Line (except potentially being alone in a car - that could be a totally innocent thing) could be an issue. Traditionally, The Line here has been to promote fidelity within the relationship a man has with his wife, and vice versa.

Next up, we have kids that are pre-dating age. This includes really little kids and young teenagers... and it's also where stuff starts to get interesting.


Pre-16 Single Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Fuzzy Area - - - - - - - - - -
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Passionate kissing
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind


With younger kids, there's a bit of an interesting fuzzy area, but it actually resolves pretty cleanly when you split the group again into really young kids and early teenagers. Seeing two toddlers asleep, cuddled together, is cute and totally innocent. And while it may be just as cute and innocent, I would deter 15-year-olds from doing the same thing. There aren't a lot of cultural norms here because it's pretty clear.

Then we enter the world of dating, and the expectations of people who are actively courting a spouse. This is where the bulk of the law of chastity stuff seems to be targeted.


Single Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity

Doctrine:

OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- Holding Hands
- Be alone together
- Cuddling
- Kissing
- - - - - - - - - - - The Confusion - - - - - - - - - 
- "Passionate Kissing"
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Sleeping in the same location
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- Laying on top of each other
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind


Culture (additional to Doctrine):

OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- Professional performance (e.g., kissing on-stage as an actor in a tasteful performance)

- - - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Public Displays of Affection - PDA (depending on context)


The Line definitely moved when we hit this group. Suddenly cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and being alone together are OK (and kissing in public is even sometimes frowned upon depending on culture - the PDA issue), while sleeping together and sexual activity are still not OK. In this group, The Line on the doctrinal side is very clear on everything except for "passionate kissing." What does passionate kissing really mean? Some prophets have counseled against French kissing; is that because it can arouse too much passion, or is it an injunction completely? The fuzzy/confusing area here resolves and becomes personal through the context of a statement in For the Strength of Youth - don't do anything that arouses passion in you or in the other person. So if French kissing, or making out for an hour, arouses you, don't do it. There isn't a lot of cultural (non-doctrinal) guidance here because the doctrine is pretty clear.

Those are the divisions involved with opposite-gender contact. The next post will be a little more complicated... and cover same-gender contact within those same groups.

Pain: This is Why

I've wondered what pushes men to drink themselves numb. What feeds conquered addictions to pornography and slashes carefully set boundaries of morality. What makes people do things they would never do otherwise... decisions made in a moment that destroy their lives.

It's feeling.

Not just any feeling. This one.

Maybe it's not the exact feeling for everyone. Maybe it's different. But I think that it's similar. A feeling so intense that it feels like you're drowning... so painful that your options slim to few. And so completely opaque to rational inquiry that only emotions seem to matter.

Right now I feel awful. Absolutely and totally awful... to the point that not being alive almost sounds preferable (if there were a way for that to happen righteously... there's always that caveat that keeps me safe). I feel incredibly lonely, yet push some people away. Incredibly frustrated, but not sure about what. Tempted in a thousand different directions far more than I should be.

I wonder where it came from.

I've decided what I'm going to do with the feeling: I'll write about it, then go work out until I'm exhausted enough to go to sleep... and forget about it entirely. That solves the crisis, but it doesn't fix the issue. Where did it come from? And how can I keep it from coming back?

Or should I?

This is the same feeling I get when I honestly look at my life and gauge where I am. I feel totally and completely alone, and that's incredibly miserable. Especially when I know, completely, that there are people who love me... because that then makes me feel guilty for feeling alone.

...just like I used to feel guilty for being depressed...

Dear self:

It's okay to feel alone. It's okay to be in pain. It's okay to want things in life to change and to find yourself crying because life hurts. I can't promise it will change today, or tomorrow, or even sometime in mortality. But it'll be okay. Eventually the crisis passes and you go on with life. Maybe God will do a miracle and everything will become perfect. Maybe not. But realize that everything He gives you in life is to help you and the people around you come closer to Him. That's the only reason you have hard experiences... or that anyone does. God loves you and gives you exactly what you, and others, need to find faith. Stay close to God, and it will all work out. 

Yes. It's painful. That's okay. It'll all work out in the end. You know that's true. Right now you just need to believe it.

Wondering

I realized today that I have almost no specific memory of the people in my life. 

I remember little bits of many people - sometimes I can wrack my brain and if they were influential I can remember their names and a few things about them. 

But even those memories are actually scenes, details that describe a picture in my head. 

I can vividly remember seeing Richard Heaton at Bridal Veil Falls with his son, or talking in his MTC office about how he balances being a father and his other responsibilities. Or being in his Church office when he was in my stake presidency and I told him about (G)MG.

I remember throwing a ball at a girl's face during gym class water polo because I thought the rules were unfair, then later throwing the ball into the second-story bleachers. I don't remember her face. I remember her name, and sitting with her at a table in a classroom, laying out a recreation of a Roman newspaper, complete with recipes for stuffed mice. But I don't remember anything really about her.

I remember nothing about my grandfather, even though he lived nearby and I was 8 when he died.

I don't remember my siblings' favorite colors. My brother has to remind me that he doesn't like peanut butter, and the other brother either doesn't like mustard or mayo... I can never remember which.

And, perhaps worst of all, I don't remember much about my mission companions, the girls I've dated, people at my work, and the many people I've gotten close to over the years. It's one thing to forget someone's name... but there are full months-long swaths of my life, in the recent past, that I don't remember at all, even with a journal to try to help. People that I've spent hundreds, or thousands, of hours talking with... and all I remember are a few scenes and bits of one or two conversations that happened. And sometimes not even that. I have no memories at all of one of my mission companions. None at all.

I've always been amazed when people remembered me, and not only remembered me, and my name, but also remembered a lot of stuff about me. I realize that I'm strange/unique/whatever. But I'm realizing that it's not just the fact that I'm memorable that makes a huge difference between our recollection when I meet a long-lost friend. It's also the fact that I remember so little.

Today a guy stopped me on campus. He was on his bike riding past me as I walked back to my car (I was there writing just to get away from home). He seemed really excited to see me. I had no idea who he was. I didn't know his face, and when he said his name I still didn't remember anything about him.

He was my roommate. And not just any roommate - he was my roommate from right before I moved into the house where I live now. At least that's what he said, and he was being sincere. I know we must have had discussions and talks. That always happens with people. But I don't remember anything about him except for when he said he was studying trombone, that felt right inside my mind. He knew my name, and remembered a ton about me. And I knew nothing, and still can't remember anything.

I find myself wondering if this - my inability to store or process or remember important information about people - is at the root of some of my issues with relationships.

I don't know.

But it's incredibly disheartening.

I mean, who wants to be forgotten? Who wants to ever talk with someone who will not only forget their name, but everything except a few intense emotional scenes in a few years? A few minutes later I heard my name called by a group of MBA students. I knew them less than a year ago. They introduced me to a first-year MPA and invited me to go to a lecture with them. And, again, all I could remember were fragments of scenes. A shot of us deep in conversation in the MBA Lounge. No idea what the conversation was about.

I don't understand. I can remember factual information for forever. And yet when it comes to stuff that matters... people... I know nothing no matter how hard I try.

On a potentially bright side, it's been a blessing in my life. I don't remember almost any of the heart-wrenching stories that make me cry when people reach out for help... I forget them sometimes within days (hence why if I don't reply quickly, it takes forever - until I do a sweep of all my emails again)... and I also don't remember feeling those emotions myself, except again for a few scenes. It makes living in the moment, and looking forward, a thousand times easier because I have no rocky past to build on.

And yet it means that every time I see someone again I feel like I need to start over. Maybe I know your name, your passions, even how to motivate you to be a better person... but I don't know the first thing about what you do in your spare time... unless one of those rare moments happens to have captured it.

I remember people only as parts of intense emotional or intellectual scenes. Their faces aren't there. Or what they wore, or how they spoke or who they are... just a stand-in that says "person" in my mind, with a name attached... or not.

My brain doesn't see people the way it should. Maybe that's why, even after learning coping skills, I still feel disconnected. Maybe that's why I feel like I don't know really anyone when the world seems to know me.

...

So now I realize it might be an issue.

*sigh*

What can I do about it?

The City of Enoch and Female Ordination

This is going to be controversial.

But hey. (Gay) Mormon Guy already addresses the most volatile topic in modern culture - being Mormon and gay. What's some tangential controversy?

I was on Twitter during Conference this year, participating in the livetweeting with thousands of other members, when I learned about the protest that was staged by a handful of women outside Priesthood session. At first, I didn't really have time to think about it - when the prophets are speaking, nothing else really matters - but today I pulled up an article about the protest and actually looked up their site.

The focus wasn't getting into Priesthood meeting. (They didn't - just like Relief Society meeting is designed specifically for sisters in mind, Priesthood is designed for brothers. Seats at Priesthood to attend in person are reserved exclusively for them.) It was attracting public attention with the hope that women would be ordained to the Priesthood.

There's a lot of things I could write about this, but this afternoon, while researching doctrine for work, I found myself wondering about the doctrinal evidences that would preclude or support this issue. I think I found a few.

1. The first is resurrection. Christ taught, and we have supporting evidence in the form of modern interpretation of His word, that all ordinances must be completed before the resurrection. It was in the "neither are men married nor given in marriage" context of explaining issues to the Sadducees. I could look up talks that support this interpretation of His words, but I'm crazy busy. I know it's in Jesus the Christ.

The result is that, if, like claimed on their website, women need to be ordained to the Priesthood in order to return to God and be like Him, this would need to happen to all women before their resurrection. With men, Priesthood ordination is required even before the temple endowment can be given, which is required before a temple sealing can be performed. Even if we made the assumption that ordination was a higher ordinance than marriage (and hence would be performed after temple sealing... which is not an option in my mind, since temple marriage is said many times throughout scripture to be the crowning ordinance), or believed that it was part of a separate, non-linear track of required ordinances, it would still have to be done before the ordinance of resurrection.

Matthew, in his gospel, describes the resurrection and includes a part that explains:

"And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, and came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many."

This was the beginning of the first resurrection, composed of the people who had completed all the necessary ordinances and had lived faithful lives... who were resurrected with Christ at His own Resurrection.

The same thing happened in the New World - and it was so important that Christ reproved Nephi for forgetting to include it in their record.

"And it came to pass that he said unto Nephi: Bring forth the record which ye have kept. And when Nephi had brought forth the records, and laid them before him, he cast his eyes upon them and said: Verily I say unto you, I commanded my servant Samuel, the Lamanite, that he should testify unto this people, that at the day that the Father should glorify his name in me that there were many saints who should arise from the dead, and should appear unto many, and should minister unto them. And he said unto them: Was it not so? 

And his disciples answered him and said: Yea, Lord, Samuel did prophesy according to thy words, and they were all fulfilled. And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them?

 

And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written.

And it came to pass that Jesus commanded that it should be written; therefore it was written according as he commanded."

We know that Priesthood ordination of women was not practiced during the time of the Nephites, and from history that it was not practiced among pre-Christian Jews in Jerusalem. If this was an essential ordinance, lacking such an ordinance would preclude their rising from the dead. The preclusion of female ordinance does assume that "many saints" includes both men and women, but, at least in my limited perspective, it would be grossly unfair for a God to make a wife wait extra thousands of years while her husband had been resurrected, only because God had not yet revealed an essential ordinance to salvation.

2. Since there is the potential that all the saints resurrected at the time of Christ and in the thousands of years since were, in fact, male (though I think that quite unlikely), the next issue is translation. This subsists upon the same basic principles as resurrection; both are physical changes in the body that take place under the influence of the Spirit that are required before an individual can permanently reside in the literal presence of God.

The City of Enoch was translated. Zion included men and women. The assumption, that essential ordinances would need to be completed before they could have physically been taken to Heaven to live forever in the presence of God, is pretty simple. That's the one with which I concur. There are doctrinal questions with this one, too - for example, we don't have specific evidence that children (who would not have had saving ordinances performed) were not included in the translation of the city, except in the case of Enoch's own progeny. On that note, we could use the reference that the people of Zion won't return to the earth until the Second Coming... and that all translated beings, if it has not happened sooner, will be resurrected at the time of the Second Coming... and if they haven't had essential ordinances, then they won't be resurrected. And exceptions usually become the rule if they are more than 50% (like in Zion - married women and children, if present).

-----

So yeah. Those are my thoughts. Women play an essential, unique role in God's Plan as outlined in modern doctrine and supported by living prophets. I do not think that their ordination to the Priesthood is essential for their eternal salvation, or for the Church to accurately fill their needs as women.

Personal Post Conference Thoughts - October 2013

Conference this year was most of what I asked for. President Uchtdorf gave a passionate talk about reaching out to others. Elder Holland spoke about depression, mental illness, and learning empathy for those with major trials and pain in life. And, among others, Elder Nelson and Elder Oaks spoke crystal-clearly about the eternal nature of morality and the Church's unchanging stance on homosexual activity.

I felt loved, understood, vindicated, supported, and uplifted in a thousand ways.

But in the wake of an amazing experience, I find myself now wondering exactly what I am going to do to apply the principles I learned. And, instead of looking for answers to the questions (and requests) I made of God, looking for what I should do.

It didn't take long to identify something. And yet...

Some of you know that I have a really hard time reaching out to people. Even when they reach out to me. This has been a painful realization for most of my life, and a constant reminder that I have room for improvement.

Part of me hurts when I think about trying to reach out to people. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, because I am sooooo miserably bad at this. Either that or God always intervenes to ensure I come running back to Him. I don't know how it works with other people, but I've got to be horrible. I'll finally get up the courage to ask someone to be my friend, and 19 times out of 20, they'll say no. Or worse (and more common), say nothing and ignore me. Really. In maybe 5% someone that I approach will actually respond positively... and even those relationships don't last long. It's not the rejection that hurts persay... but wondering exactly what it is that I'm doing wrong... with no way to know how to fix it.

I know some people who would be willing to be friends, but another issue is that if people aren't involved in my day-to-day (or at least weekly) life, I forget major things about them. I forget their names, their professions, where they are from, what they like to do, even how I met them. On a good day, I can easily remember half of the names of my mission companions.

When I finally get some type of positive response, I let relationships fall flat because I don't know what ingredients to add to them. I'm terrified of doing something that will lessen my chances of getting closer to people.

If I could trade this struggle - the frustration and sorrow and bewilderment and unknowing and pain and overthinking and fear and incredible unmet longing - for anything, some days I would. I'd trade it for intense, permanent, physical pain. I'd trade it for numbness of mind (I'd probably be a drunk... more likely a suicide... if I didn't have the gospel) if that were an option. I'd trade it for blindness, or deafness, or lost limbs, or paralysis... I'd trade it for anything that I can imagine - even all the rest of the trials I've seen rolled into one.

This isn't meant to be a "woe is me." Just background.

Most of the time the part of me that tries to connect with people is quietly absent. I can serve, give, teach, and meet the needs of others, but I relegate my social needs to my relationship with God because anything else is too painful. And they're not going to be easily met anyway; even when people care about me, breaking through to get me to feel their love... yeah. That's not likely.

Compound the fact that now I'm at a stage of life when people around me already have close friends. They don't want me as a friend. They've known people for years and developed relationships... and science has shown that you actually only have space for a certain number of close people in your day-to-day life.

So right now, as I feel pressure from God to try to reach out again and develop relationships with people, I honestly feel sick. I don't have a slew of people to try with anymore. I'm not a BYU student; I work from home; I don't meet anyone new except for sometimes people through North Star, some of their friends, and the new people in my ward.

And then when I finally convince myself that I'm going to do it, when I get up the courage to act, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be someone's friend. I know how to be a counselor, a teacher, a mentor... I know how to listen, to help people answer hard questions, to spend time with someone doing anything at all... but I don't know how to help someone have fun or relax from life.

And I find myself wondering if I really have anything to offer as a friend to people who seem to (at least on the outside) have their lives together. Including the people who were part of my life when they had major needs.

I don't know.

I'm sure that some of the people I know will read this and then immediately try to assure me that I offer plenty in our relationship. But the fact stands that, in all the things I've been able to learn or in which I've improved, this still stands as a glaring crater in my life. Yeah, part of it isn't my fault. Maybe most of it. But it's still there, still painful, still resistant to everything I've tried to fill it in. 

So I guess it's understandable that, after a glowing session of General Conference, taking honest stock of what I face in life would bring me back here to its edge. Wondering what else I can do, feeling the pain start to wake up again to give me nightmares.

I should have brought this question to Conference with me. *sigh*

I don't know what to do. Which means it probably won't work. Maybe God will give me some ideas. Either way, the pain is back... and I'm going to keep trying.

Oxytocin, Autism, Touch, and Standardized Tests

Last year my dad gave me a priesthood blessing in which he promised that some of the things I face would go away. Specifically, after the blessing, he explained that it was about bipolar & autistic spectrum disorder.

At the time, I had never heard of either being cured or spontaneously disappearing - especially autism. And yet, in the year since, life has seemed to push me into places where they are disappearing. Or at least seem to be.

The bipolar is responding to an extremely low carb diet - I no longer cycle into depression when I stay under 10g each day of non-fiber carbs. And after two years of the diet (I'm just a few months in), there's a chance my brain will be changed permanently. I may never have to worry about bipolar again.

The autism has also seemed to be changing. It sometimes seems easier to tell when people are serious or sarcastic, even if habit tells me they're always serious.

This morning, I was reading on the Autism Speaks website about research into oxytocin and autism. A number of studies have found reduced autistic behaviors and dramatically improved social function in volunteers who inhale nasal oxytocin. Right now, there is a year-long study with thousands (I think) of patients testing the efficacy of oxytocin on autistic development and adequate socialization... and it made me wonder.

Oxytocin is a natural hormone that, in most people, comes from social and physical interaction throughout life. Just making eye contact increases oxytocin levels, or touching someone, or being close. It modulates social bonding, increases fidelity in marriage, makes people more trusting and generous, and essentially empowers every social interaction and feeling.

A number of studies have shown a correlation between autism and a lack of certain oxytocin receptors - which could potentially be the main difference between those on and off the spectrum.

Oxytocin also impairs cognition and decision-making skills, creating a type of amnesia for certain types of information, preferentially storing social information at the expense of all else. I've always felt that ASD was simply the brain showing a marked preference for non-social information... and this could support that theory. A lack of everyday oxytocin (or its receptors that modulate physiological functions) could be the reason why kids with ASD have a higher proportional fluid IQ than their neurotypical counterparts. And the reason why they both feel isolated from others (since oxytocin is the connecting hormone) and unable to develop better social skills.

And then there's the world of touch. Many kids with ASD are hypersensitive to touch, and shy away from it at all costs. I know I did. Oxytocin functions using a positive feedback loop - more oxytocin makes it easier to get more oxytocin... and less makes it harder. Without social cues and the resultant chemical reward for appropriate social behavior, touch becomes one of the easiest ways to improve oxytocin release, except that people with ASD don't want touch. The thing that crossed my mind when I realized this was: that means you may have to touch people with ASD more in order to help them function better in social interactions... even if at first they are uncomfortable with any touch at all. So strange.

In the last year, I've shifted my preference for touch from "don't even think about touching me, even in passing, because I will stare you down and burn you to a crisp" (not kidding) to "touch is an important part of every social interaction" (you definitely don't cuddle with everyone... but I don't flinch when someone brushes against me in the hall at church anymore). And I wonder if that shift has been an influence in my ability to understand people. If oxytocin is the underlying reason, and it works using positive feedback loops, then it would make sense that, in the beginning, increasing oxytocin would have only a minor effect... that would grow exponentially with time.

Who knows? Maybe the study being done will show that intranasal oxytocin can flip the switch between preferential processing of cognitive and social data. Then people with minor forms of ASD would be able to have the best of both worlds - dramatically increased productivity and focus while working or solving problems, and, with a spray/sniff some time before a date or meetup with a friend, more adequate social processing and reciprocity. That would be amazing... and a modern miracle. Maybe that's what my dad was talking about.

Dating Quandaries

I don't think I've been on a date in a long time. Almost a year. There have been times people tried to set me up, but they all fell through... we never crossed paths, or the girl actually already had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in a blind date.

Part of the reason is that I don't know how to approach dating anymore. Girls have told me that hearing "I'm really not attracted to you" is a painful, undesirable thing... and I guess I understand their perspective somewhat. 

Some people say that you should only date people you're attracted to. But is that really a set-in-stone requirement? 

I mean, in the past I dated for two reasons - because I wanted to show my faith to God and give Him something to work with (so that eventually He could light a spark of love in my life), and because I wanted to show people that I cared about them. Unlike most guys, though, who I've learned have basic and then complex metrics to determine who to ask out (physical attraction being up there, along with emotional and intellectual), I also have two somewhat unique reasons to ask people out. 1: Because God told me to (I used to pray to figure out who to date all the time). 2: Because I thought a specific girl was interested in me.

Even though sharing my identity here on (Gay) Mormon Guy didn't really change much, it seems to make developing relationships even harder. I think it's because the girls who are interested in me don't know about SSA. I'm scared of hurting people, and I don't relish broaching the topic... but I feel sort of dishonest just asking someone out when I have totally different motivation compared to another guy.

There's a girl in my ward who wants me to ask her out. I don't think she reads (Gay) Mormon Guy. She asked me about North Star because I mentioned it a few times in passing, and I explained what it is - an organization that helps men and women with same-sex attraction live faithful lives in the Church. She didn't really respond in a way that let me know her thoughts, but still asked for a ride home.

I guess I'm just... afraid of the unknown. I've never dated someone and been open about the fact that I have to go about it differently. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how to communicate what's in my head effectively, and I don't know how it's going to affect the people on the other side of the relationship.

And yet...

I feel like I should just move forward. You know the inexplicable feeling to do something even when your brain and heart protest? A quiet voice, most definitely the Spirit, just tells me to go.

I guess that answers my question.

Conference: Good, Better, Best

So I realized this week that this may be the last time I live-tweet all the sessions of General Conference as @gaymormonguy. If I pass round 2 and 3 of auditions for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, any session where I'm singing will be silent. You're not allowed to even bring a phone on the stage as a choir member, let alone send real-time notes to the world.

That makes me a bit sad. Being involved in the twitterstake has been an awesome experience... and has connected me with people who share my passion for media missionary work and who live all over the world.

But then again, if it happens, I'll be sitting on the stand, singing with the choir. That's pretty cool.

Thankfully, the choir doesn't sing at every session... so there'll just be a few sessions missing from the transcript.

It just makes me wonder.

In which spot am I better used?

Live-tweeting General Conference is sort of a mundane example, but still influential. Anyone who can sing can take a spot in the choir. Anyone who can write can take a spot in the twitterstake. But which makes a bigger difference in people's individual lives?

I don't know. 

The choir as a whole is life-changing, but not much of that would be ascribed to me. And you can have amazing missionary conversations on Twitter during the hours that #ldsconf trends and people get interested in what is happening.

And that makes me think about the rest of the gospel, too... callings and places to serve. I'm the self-appointed ward greeter in my ward. I pass out programs, shake people's hands, introduce myself to the people who are new or visiting, and try to help people have at least one person who notices them in Sacrament.

I became ward greeter because before, when I was the ward music chairman and directed the music, each week I would try to meet new people but have to go sit on the stand as the meeting started. And people who arrived late had no one to talk with them... and some of them left early without ever saying a word to anyone. So I asked my bishop to give me a new calling.

But now I see another need. When I'm sitting at the back of the meeting, trying to fellowship the people who arrive late and leave early, I don't sit with other people. I don't sit next to the 8 new people who arrived today - none of which ended up staying through the end of the meeting. Today someone asked me why I always sit in the back, and never with the congregation. Then she saw me stand to meet someone, during the second talk... and it made me wonder. I can't be in both places at the same time. And which is the best place to be?

I'm not completely sure where the best place to stand is for me as far as helping others come unto Christ. I know there are places that I've stood, things that I've done. But maybe there are seasons. Maybe there are shifting needs or I have shifting talents. Maybe...

Yeah.

I think the simplest answer is to be the best that I can be, wherever I find myself. Give the rest to God, keep a prayer in my heart for the people around me, and listen when He calls.

The Sabbath Day is a Special Day...

I am so glad it's Sunday. And so glad that I've been commanded to not work today.

Life has been chaotic for the last few weeks. My house flooding, massive remodeling, a nonexistent dating life, work projects that are always pressing and on my mind... but, by far, the biggest draw on my time has been preparing for Natural Products Expo East. It's one of the biggest natural health trade shows in the world, and I'm leaving tomorrow to represent my company.

We're a new exhibitor at Expo East, so that meant designing banners, writing literature, creating & filling & packaging & displaying samples, designing and building a booth, choosing clothes, designing new packaging for products, building a sales pitch, arranging for lodging and transportation...

I woke up this morning and my first thought was, "I need to make a simple online Google Form so that we can quickly take orders on an iPad."

Great thought. Usually we take orders on order forms, but since we have 70+ products in our line, my first attempts at creating an intuitive online form were cumbersome and much less elegant than the paper & pencil version. Later, I designed intro packages for stocking stores based on the most popular products that we sell so that people wouldn't go into choice shock (20 most popular, 30, 40)... and the new form I designed could be easily converted into an online option.

But it's Sunday.

A part of me rebelled slightly at that thought when it came. This is important. It won't take very long. I have time, and I have to do it. And it's not even really all that much work - computer work isn't physical labor or hoeing a field.

But another part of me turned inside and just asked, "You have two options. What do you choose? What do you really believe?"

It's a question that I've found my heart asking more and more recently. When I'm faced with a choice, it's not really about what I know... or about what has happened in the past. It's about what I choose. And that choice illuminates what I really believe. If I believe that I'll find greater meaning, goodness, and life happiness in working on the Sabbath when I don't need to, then I'll make the fillable form. If I believe that God will bless me greater for keeping the Sabbath holy than the blessings that would come otherwise, then I wait until tomorrow.

And that's why the Sabbath is such an amazing gift.

Not only is it an opportunity to put down the stress of the week, it is a commandment to do so. A commandment so important that it superseded almost any other thing in Israelite times.

In a time when life is complicated, and stress seems to be pulling me apart at the edges, I'm grateful for the commandment to keep the Sabbath day holy, so that I can get some rest.

Now I need to figure out studying for my Mormon Tabernacle Choir test. That's the next thing trying to convince me of its Sabbath-day worthiness. I don't study on Sunday. But this is for a potential calling as a music missionary. *sigh* Maybe I'll just go home teaching instead.