This is about the Law of Chastity as it applies to the same gender: guys/guys... or girls/girls.
Before I go anywhere, there is a vitally important point to make at the beginning:
Doctrines are eternal, universal, and unchanging. The doctrines of the law of chastity must apply equally to each person, regardless of same-gender attraction or non-attraction. That means that if (taking from the last post) it's okay for a straight guy to kiss a girl, it's okay for a gay guy to kiss a girl. Ultimately, there is just ONE doctrine for the Law of Chastity... and it's in the conclusion at the end. Everything else is a cultural pull that causes trouble.
The different groups from the last post were:
Again:
Doctrine: Things that are OK have clearly illustrated examples in Church hierarchy, statements, scripture, or stories. Things that are NOT OK have clear and specific statements that prohibit them.
Culture: Things that are OK are issues that are accepted by the populace at large and have not been addressed by official Church statements. Things that are NOT OK are either prohibited to leaders and/or frowned upon but not specifically prohibited by the general Church population.
And one more definition.
Sexual relations of any kind include any acts involving sexual organs, pornography, and masturbation.
Missionary Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together alone (on exchanges)
- Writing personal notes/ letters to people outside the mission
- Writing personal notes/ letters to people outside your area
- Writing notes to people inside your area (without romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Looking at each other
- Sitting next to each other
- Being in the same vehicle
- Hugging
- Sleeping in the same location (companion in the same room)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Sleeping in the same bed
- Dating
- Passionate Kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (doctor)
- Bacci (cheek-kisses)
- Other types of cultural touch
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing (non-cultural)
This one is pretty simple, but isn't as straightforward as the opposite-gender guidelines. Missionaries live with someone that is the same gender. In fact, they must always be together. Major physical differences: they can be alone together, sleep in the same room, hug, and cross the cultural barrier that comes from bacci or other cultural touch (...yes, I served in Italy. I am constantly thinking about missionary work in Italy...)
The two fuzzy areas come clear with in light of the guidelines given to missionaries as a whole. Don't engage in anything that is going to jeopardize having the Spirit... and don't develop a romantic relationship with your companion. If your companion is having a breakdown on the couch, it's totally okay to go over, wrap your arms around him, and just stay there until he's okay. That's probably what you should do. And as far as hand-holding goes, I remember being at a soccer game in Napoli where the only reason I didn't become hopelessly lost (at least in my memory, which is abysmal) was that my companion pulled me along by hand through the fray.
Actually cuddling just to cuddle, or holding hands to hold hands, between the same gender, isn't addressed anywhere that I've personally seen. I think it would fall under the counsel of avoiding romantic relationships if both people were attracted to each other.
Next, married men and women, interacting with members of the same sex.
Married Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters (assuming no romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Being alone in a car
- Being alone in a closed room
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Passionate kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding Hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
There are a couple differences for married people when you cross over to relationships with the same gender. The biggest ones are that holding hands, cuddling, and falling asleep in each others' arms are no longer doctrinally barred. You can see that in historical examples in the Church - the first one that comes to mind was Joseph Smith, sleeping on the floor with some of his closest friends in prisons or traveling. (Side note: From my limited perspective, hand-holding and cuddling seems to have been a readily occurring part of normal male intimacy throughout history... until about the 1950's. During the time of Christ, the Apostles actually laid around the table and rested their heads on one another (which would definitely count as cuddling today). Ironically, today many guys avoid 'intimate' touch like hand-holding or cuddling out of a desire to not be labeled homosexual (ironic because people who lived pre-1950, when the understanding of same-sex attraction was definitely different from today, may have actually had an easier time getting positive touch from the people close to them without incurring social stigma).
The fuzzy area, like always, has at least one thing that can help make it slightly clearer. The injunction is "Do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings."
The biggest pro and con with that counsel is that it applies differently to each individual person. If a married man never does anything with another guy that arouses sexual feelings, then he's fine. But without really clear distinctions of what is okay, there's the fuzzy area. On that account, holding a guy in a bear hug, or falling asleep like Joseph did with his friends, may be totally okay for me... yet totally not okay for the other guy involved.
Next up, kids and teenagers.
Pre-16 Single Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Passionate kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding hands
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
With younger kids, there's the same fuzzy area as in opposite gender interactions. But this one doesn't resolve as cleanly.
There are cultures that are totally okay with holding hands with the same gender. America is one of those - women walking down the street holding hands are totally okay. Right now there seems to be growing pressure on both sides of that issue - some people barring boys from holding hands with other boys, some not caring, and (if I can remember accurately), there's a growing group of young teenagers in Britain who are totally heterosexual who just hold hands with their best same-gender friends just because.
Cuddling and falling asleep in each others' arms are along the same lines. Not part of the doctrinal discussion, but definitely part of the cultural one, with strong evidence pointing to cultural pulls on one side and the other.
Again, "do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings."
And now for the spot where most people with SSA live. Singles.
Single (Everyone Else) Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- Be alone together
- Sleeping in the same location
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Passionate Kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding Hands
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Public Displays of Affection - PDA
Cuddling and sleeping together follow the same pattern as everyone else. Single guys or girls can cuddle or sleep together and be okay. As before, there are strong cultural feelings about it... and where you live or who you live with will have a big influence on those.
And then there's kissing. There is a very strong cultural pull on the NOT OK side of The Line. I think that kissing crosses over The Line. Either way, it's playing with fire. My suggestion: don't kiss.
Ultimately, right now there is a lot more fuzzy area in the world of same-sex applications of the Law of Chastity. There is one way to clear up all the fuzzy spots... and I think this is the take-away in my mind.
"Do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings [in you or in others]." (ref)
This is the Law of Chastity and the standard that is expected of every Church member, among all their interactions - with men or women - outside of marriage between a man and a woman. There is no distinction for gay or straight, male or female. It applies perfectly to every situation and ensures that everyone who follows it will always be safe behind The Line.
The issue is that, while perfect and universal, that principle can be rough to apply.
Relying on personal inspiration and being aware of your feelings at every given moment is a crazy huge amount of work. Most sexual sins happen in the moment. And since all physical contact with both sexes causes the release of oxytocin, which interferes with cognitive processing (makes you temporarily dreamy/stupid), realizing what is happening in the moment is even more work.
With opposite-gender interactions, we have a map of what will probably ignite sexual feelings. If you're not involved in passionate kissing, then you probably aren't going to go further. But with same-gender interactions, where so much can seem fuzzy, The Line can easily be in one place one day... and in another place the next. Is it okay to cuddle with another guy? Is it okay to hold hands? In avoiding situations that arouse sexual feelings in ourselves and others we have to navigate the world of our own feelings, our temptations, our weaknesses and strengths, as well as those of others.
It's possible. Following the principles of God's Plan of Happiness will always bring greater happiness and peace, for everyone.
But it's definitely more complicated.
- Missionaries
- Currently Married
- 16 and under
- Single
Again:
Doctrine: Things that are OK have clearly illustrated examples in Church hierarchy, statements, scripture, or stories. Things that are NOT OK have clear and specific statements that prohibit them.
Culture: Things that are OK are issues that are accepted by the populace at large and have not been addressed by official Church statements. Things that are NOT OK are either prohibited to leaders and/or frowned upon but not specifically prohibited by the general Church population.
And one more definition.
Sexual relations of any kind include any acts involving sexual organs, pornography, and masturbation.
Missionary Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together alone (on exchanges)
- Writing personal notes/ letters to people outside the mission
- Writing personal notes/ letters to people outside your area
- Writing notes to people inside your area (without romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Looking at each other
- Sitting next to each other
- Being in the same vehicle
- Hugging
- Sleeping in the same location (companion in the same room)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Sleeping in the same bed
- Dating
- Passionate Kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (doctor)
- Bacci (cheek-kisses)
- Other types of cultural touch
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing (non-cultural)
This one is pretty simple, but isn't as straightforward as the opposite-gender guidelines. Missionaries live with someone that is the same gender. In fact, they must always be together. Major physical differences: they can be alone together, sleep in the same room, hug, and cross the cultural barrier that comes from bacci or other cultural touch (...yes, I served in Italy. I am constantly thinking about missionary work in Italy...)
The two fuzzy areas come clear with in light of the guidelines given to missionaries as a whole. Don't engage in anything that is going to jeopardize having the Spirit... and don't develop a romantic relationship with your companion. If your companion is having a breakdown on the couch, it's totally okay to go over, wrap your arms around him, and just stay there until he's okay. That's probably what you should do. And as far as hand-holding goes, I remember being at a soccer game in Napoli where the only reason I didn't become hopelessly lost (at least in my memory, which is abysmal) was that my companion pulled me along by hand through the fray.
Actually cuddling just to cuddle, or holding hands to hold hands, between the same gender, isn't addressed anywhere that I've personally seen. I think it would fall under the counsel of avoiding romantic relationships if both people were attracted to each other.
Next, married men and women, interacting with members of the same sex.
Married Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters (assuming no romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Being alone in a car
- Being alone in a closed room
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Passionate kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding Hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
There are a couple differences for married people when you cross over to relationships with the same gender. The biggest ones are that holding hands, cuddling, and falling asleep in each others' arms are no longer doctrinally barred. You can see that in historical examples in the Church - the first one that comes to mind was Joseph Smith, sleeping on the floor with some of his closest friends in prisons or traveling. (Side note: From my limited perspective, hand-holding and cuddling seems to have been a readily occurring part of normal male intimacy throughout history... until about the 1950's. During the time of Christ, the Apostles actually laid around the table and rested their heads on one another (which would definitely count as cuddling today). Ironically, today many guys avoid 'intimate' touch like hand-holding or cuddling out of a desire to not be labeled homosexual (ironic because people who lived pre-1950, when the understanding of same-sex attraction was definitely different from today, may have actually had an easier time getting positive touch from the people close to them without incurring social stigma).
The fuzzy area, like always, has at least one thing that can help make it slightly clearer. The injunction is "Do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings."
The biggest pro and con with that counsel is that it applies differently to each individual person. If a married man never does anything with another guy that arouses sexual feelings, then he's fine. But without really clear distinctions of what is okay, there's the fuzzy area. On that account, holding a guy in a bear hug, or falling asleep like Joseph did with his friends, may be totally okay for me... yet totally not okay for the other guy involved.
Next up, kids and teenagers.
Pre-16 Single Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Passionate kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding hands
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
With younger kids, there's the same fuzzy area as in opposite gender interactions. But this one doesn't resolve as cleanly.
There are cultures that are totally okay with holding hands with the same gender. America is one of those - women walking down the street holding hands are totally okay. Right now there seems to be growing pressure on both sides of that issue - some people barring boys from holding hands with other boys, some not caring, and (if I can remember accurately), there's a growing group of young teenagers in Britain who are totally heterosexual who just hold hands with their best same-gender friends just because.
Cuddling and falling asleep in each others' arms are along the same lines. Not part of the doctrinal discussion, but definitely part of the cultural one, with strong evidence pointing to cultural pulls on one side and the other.
Again, "do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings."
And now for the spot where most people with SSA live. Singles.
Single (Everyone Else) Same-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- Be alone together
- Sleeping in the same location
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Passionate Kissing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind (see definition at top)
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - - - Fuzzy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Holding Hands
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Public Displays of Affection - PDA
Cuddling and sleeping together follow the same pattern as everyone else. Single guys or girls can cuddle or sleep together and be okay. As before, there are strong cultural feelings about it... and where you live or who you live with will have a big influence on those.
And then there's kissing. There is a very strong cultural pull on the NOT OK side of The Line. I think that kissing crosses over The Line. Either way, it's playing with fire. My suggestion: don't kiss.
Ultimately, right now there is a lot more fuzzy area in the world of same-sex applications of the Law of Chastity. There is one way to clear up all the fuzzy spots... and I think this is the take-away in my mind.
"Do not do anything that arouses sexual feelings [in you or in others]." (ref)
This is the Law of Chastity and the standard that is expected of every Church member, among all their interactions - with men or women - outside of marriage between a man and a woman. There is no distinction for gay or straight, male or female. It applies perfectly to every situation and ensures that everyone who follows it will always be safe behind The Line.
The issue is that, while perfect and universal, that principle can be rough to apply.
Relying on personal inspiration and being aware of your feelings at every given moment is a crazy huge amount of work. Most sexual sins happen in the moment. And since all physical contact with both sexes causes the release of oxytocin, which interferes with cognitive processing (makes you temporarily dreamy/stupid), realizing what is happening in the moment is even more work.
With opposite-gender interactions, we have a map of what will probably ignite sexual feelings. If you're not involved in passionate kissing, then you probably aren't going to go further. But with same-gender interactions, where so much can seem fuzzy, The Line can easily be in one place one day... and in another place the next. Is it okay to cuddle with another guy? Is it okay to hold hands? In avoiding situations that arouse sexual feelings in ourselves and others we have to navigate the world of our own feelings, our temptations, our weaknesses and strengths, as well as those of others.
It's possible. Following the principles of God's Plan of Happiness will always bring greater happiness and peace, for everyone.
But it's definitely more complicated.
David,
ReplyDeleteI Love the post. I have always used the CAM approach regarding behavior. Context...Appropriateness... Mood. When considering any of these behaviors. In reading this post for all of what you have said and applying CAM, I agree, Except one thing.
16 year old seeing others naked and being naked and seen by other 16 year olds of the same gender would be appropriate in the context of dressing out for gym or sports as long as they did so in the right mood. Other contexts such as doing so such behavior alone would appear to crossing the line. In any event, deliberately arousing such feelings is dangerous.
I think you noted this as well. Many have questioned what does it mean to have sexual feelings towards another. I often counsel guys that we are not our bodie, we are stewards of our body, but sometimes it body reacts to things without our choosing the reaction. Recognizing this and not shaming ourselves out others for it, moving away from the potentially dangerous situation by changing the context, appropriateness, and mood, is often necessary to remaining faithful and developing strength to withstand temptation. In other words temptation is not sin... Is what we do with that temptation that counts. I think this post is needed and thanks for bringing it to the table.
Love the CAM principle - thanks for sharing !
DeleteWell, I'm a straight Mormon and appreciated such a finely written article. I like how you address things. Some cultural attitudes are different than our own and see some things as not sexual in nature. I like the fact that the church is adopting an attitude of acceptance while maintaining standards. I have only praise for this post. You are a genuine child of God,thanks brother.
ReplyDelete