Is kissing OK? Cuddling? Making out?
Being gay and Mormon is honestly confusing at times. This is the first in a two-part series on the Law of Chastity - specifically, what is okay and what is not within both official Mormon doctrine and unofficial (yet still very influential) Mormon culture.
To start out, current teachings about the Law of Chastity, with its many appendage counsels, seem very much to be designed with straight people in mind. I remember knowing as early as 12 exactly what lines I wasn't supposed to cross with a girl, even if I had no idea what petting or necking meant. (Petting means touching the sexual areas of another person, with or without clothing; necking now means "passionate kissing")
First we'll talk about the most restrictive form of chastity - what is expected from missionaries in contact with someone of the opposite sex, according to doctrine and culture.
Doctrine: Things that are OK have clearly illustrated examples in Church hierarchy, statements, or stories. Things that are NOT OK have clear and specific statements that prohibit them.
Culture: Things that are OK are issues that are accepted by the populace at large and have not been addressed by official Church statements. Things that are NOT OK are either prohibited to leaders and/or frowned upon but not specifically prohibited by the general Church population.
Missionary Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together with your companion and another person of your gender present
- Writing personal notes / letters to people outside the mission
- Writing notes to people inside your area (without romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Looking at each other
- Sitting next to each other
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Writing letters to people outside your area in the mission
- Being in the same vehicle without another person of your gender
- Being in the same room without another person of your gender (exception: leaders during interviews when companion is just outside the door)
- Holding hands (outside of group prayer)
- Hugging
- Cuddling
- Dating
- Sleeping in the same location
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- Kissing
- Passionate Kissing
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (doctor)
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
Bacci (cheek-kisses)
Other types of cultural touch
That's pretty straightforward. The only romantic outlet for missionaries is writing letters to people back home. Everything else is safely behind The Line to remind them and others that they are representatives of Christ... and to keep them safe. And, even though sometimes the placement of The Line may cause cultural issues (I had people get really mad at me for not allowing them to give me bacci), for the most part it works. The extra additions here (compared to the following groups) are with the addition of moral counsel from the white handbook (missionary guide).
Next we'll move on to the next most stringent application - married men and women, interacting with members of the opposite sex.
Married Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters (assuming no romantic overtone)
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging (short)
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Holding Hands (outside of group prayer)
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- Kissing
- Laying on top of each other
- Passionate kissing
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- Professional performance (e.g., kissing on-stage as an actor in a tasteful performance)
- - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Being alone in a car
- Being alone in a closed room (exception for leaders interviewing; there must be someone outside)
Some interesting differences: it's okay for married people to hug and they can engage in cultural stuff like bacci, as well as professional performance which is allowed by culture though not addressed doctrinally. Either way, The Line is pretty clear. Anything beyond The Line (except potentially being alone in a car - that could be a totally innocent thing) could be an issue. Traditionally, The Line here has been to promote fidelity within the relationship a man has with his wife, and vice versa.
Next up, we have kids that are pre-dating age. This includes really little kids and young teenagers... and it's also where stuff starts to get interesting.
Pre-16 Single Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- - - - - - - - - - - The Fuzzy Area - - - - - - - - - -
- Cuddling
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Kissing
- Passionate kissing
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind
With younger kids, there's a bit of an interesting fuzzy area, but it actually resolves pretty cleanly when you split the group again into really young kids and early teenagers. Seeing two toddlers asleep, cuddled together, is cute and totally innocent. And while it may be just as cute and innocent, I would deter 15-year-olds from doing the same thing. There aren't a lot of cultural norms here because it's pretty clear.
Then we enter the world of dating, and the expectations of people who are actively courting a spouse. This is where the bulk of the law of chastity stuff seems to be targeted.
Single Opposite-Gender Law of Chastity
Doctrine:
OK
- Talking in a public place
- Working together at work or on a calling
- Writing personal notes / letters
- Touching shoulder to get attention
- Sitting next to each other
- Hugging
- Bacci (culture-dependent - cheek kisses)
- Holding Hands
- Be alone together
- Cuddling
- Kissing
- - - - - - - - - - - The Confusion - - - - - - - - -
- "Passionate Kissing"
- - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Sleeping in the same location
- Falling asleep in each others' arms
- Laying on top of each other
- See each other without clothing
- Touching sexual areas
- Sexual relations of any kind
Culture (additional to Doctrine):
OK
- Professional contact (e.g., massage therapist, doctor)
- Professional performance (e.g., kissing on-stage as an actor in a tasteful performance)
- - - - - - - - - - - - The Line - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NOT OK
- Public Displays of Affection - PDA (depending on context)
The Line definitely moved when we hit this group. Suddenly cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and being alone together are OK (and kissing in public is even sometimes frowned upon depending on culture - the PDA issue), while sleeping together and sexual activity are still not OK. In this group, The Line on the doctrinal side is very clear on everything except for "passionate kissing." What does passionate kissing really mean? Some prophets have counseled against French kissing; is that because it can arouse too much passion, or is it an injunction completely? The fuzzy/confusing area here resolves and becomes personal through the context of a statement in For the Strength of Youth - don't do anything that arouses passion in you or in the other person. So if French kissing, or making out for an hour, arouses you, don't do it. There isn't a lot of cultural (non-doctrinal) guidance here because the doctrine is pretty clear.
Those are the divisions involved with opposite-gender contact. The next post will be a little more complicated... and cover same-gender contact within those same groups.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Monday, October 14
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I just found your blog and I find it wonderfully refreshing. I especially liked your take on the ordination of women to the priesthood. I had never thought about the continuum of ordinations and resurrection.
ReplyDeleteI find this post is interesting. It's important that we know what Heavenly Father expects of us and what is just cultural norms. However, there are some foundational aspects of your argument with which I don't agree.
First, is a semantic note: What you are labeling doctrine is more aptly called commandments, applications, or principles (Elder Bednar: Act in Doctrine). Doctrines are eternal truths. The doctrinal truth or "why" of the law of chastity (as I currently understand it) is that the procreative power is sacred and meant for the strengthening of the family. These guidelines about how to use our agency to respect this eternal truth are principles and applications whether commanded by God or simply expected by culture.
Second, you have mixed some cultural expectation in the "doctrine" section. Though many think that missionaries aren't allowed to hug people of the opposite gender, the missionary handbook only states that missionaries must "never be alone with, flirt with, or associate in any other inappropriate way with anyone of the opposite sex." I believe that some mission presidents, understandably, restrict hugging, but, for the most part, this is a culture perpetuated rumor which can make obedient missionaries look disobedient.
Third, I guess the cultural lines are going to be different depending on where you are. Regarding passionate kissing, though numerous prophets and apostles have counseled against it and True to the Faith specifically says not to do it while single and dating, I feel that the culture I have generally seen is juxtapose to the Church in that it is expected by many.
What I find most important in matters of commandment vs cultural expectation is that people take the time to know the doctrine and commandments and then make their own decisions about which cultural expectations are actually going to help them progress. Thanks for your post. It gave me opportunity to review what I do and don’t know about doctrine. I look forward to your next post.