That's what I feel. I went to General Conference yesterday and, like every single time, it changed my life. I know that God loves me. I know that He is actively involved in my life. And I know that I am moving closer to Him.
Last night during Priesthood session I had an amazing realization. For most of my life, I wondered if there was something that, if the Lord asked me to do it, I wouldn't be willing... or something about which I would be afraid. For a long time, I was afraid that I wouldn't serve a mission - that there would be a massive world war that would preclude my service. Then I was afraid that I would never find someone to fall in love with... and never have a family. In both cases, I realized that the Lord would bless me. I put my faith in Him, and chose to believe that He would take care of me... and enable me to be happy and fulfill His work no matter what circumstances faced me in life.
My greatest fear, though, has always been my good name. It's the thing that I hold closer than anything else - the knowledge that people think highly of me. For years, as I honestly looked at what I would be willing to freely give up... giving up my good name and my influence on others was the one thing that tugged at the back of my mind. Maybe He would never ask me to do it. But what if the Lord asked me to do something that alienated me from everyone else - everyone I love?
As President Uchtdorf spoke about pride, I looked inside myself and asked the same question: if the Lord asked me to do anything, would I willingly and faithfully follow His promptings? And, for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say yes. Without fear. Without trepidation. Without wondering what would happen. Simply with the faith that He would take care of me and I will be blessed.
I can feel something stirring inside me - an awakening that has come in the years that have enabled me to be willing to do anything. I don't know what the Lord will have me do. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that He will guide and bless me... that, no matter what the circumstance, I will be happy following His commands.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Sunday, October 3
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Have you ever read "Not My Will, But Thine" by Neal A. Maxwell?
ReplyDeleteIt is a beautiful book talking about learning to follow God's will and trusting Him. I've read it five times over the last 15 years (I'm not good at remembering) and always feel like I hear the message you just described in your post for the very first time every time.
Daily I struggle with wondering whether I follow Him or myself. But, I'm still here and will keep trying to understand it. (-:
Thanks for sharing.
This post touched me. I feel like I haven't been trying hard enough to know God's will for me - and know who I really am as well. Maybe I just haven't been trying hard enough to know HIM.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder.
I have been reading your blog (and keep telling my husband about it). I hope you know that you can (and are) reaching many individuals who struggle with SSA, but I hope you also know that your desire to overcome temptation, your conviction about your relationship with God, and the spirit in which you write can (and is) and inspiration to others who may not share your specific struggle but are inspired by you in general. I may not have SSA but I find inspiration in your blog to do and be better. Thanks for writing.
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