Monday, October 25

Answers to Questions

Some questions from the Topic Suggestion page, with a few of my answers: (probably a recurring post as more suggestions filter through)

Are you single?
Yes. I'm not even in a serious relationship with anyone, so I'm even single in that sense. But being single doesn't mean I attend a single's ward. Or that I don't.

What types of things do you do to content yourself when there are VERY few friends and activities to do?
I used to rely on other people to structure my life for me - to schedule activities and reach out and be my friend. Then I realized that everyone else was doing exactly the same thing - waiting for others to take the initiative. Now I try to take it on my own, and find people who are passionate to help me make things happen. It means that I'm almost never without friends or something to do.

But sometimes it does happen... and then I go to the temple or read the scriptures or write for hours on end. Or work out for 6 hours straight. Something worthwhile and intense. 

Are the other members of your congregation aware of your feeling and intentions in the future? Unless the Lord Himself has told them, no.

How do you feel when comments from other bro's and sis let you know that they suspect gays of recruiting their children or stalking them?
This world is not a safe place for raising a family, no matter who you are or where you live. I would rather have parents in the Church have a overly heightened sense of awareness about the circumstances around their children than to be on the sidelines or apathetic. If anyone were stalking my family or friends, I would be concerned.

Now, there is a difference. Assuming that spending time with people = stalking or recruiting is a long shot. But, at the same time, who am I to judge them for judging others? I would be doing the exact same thing I can't stand in their conduct. My code is to enable people to see the good side in all things, and to think the best of others. Most of the time, that focus can change their views and help them much better than any argument or presentation of facts.

When did you first realize you were attracted to men?
That's a complicated question, if you've read my very first post. In retrospect, the signs were there long before I was a teenager. But I didn't put a name to it, and understand it for what it was, until after high school.

How did you come to the understanding and perspective you have now? Did you ever feel like giving up on God? Or have you always been blessed with such incredible faith and courage?
Whatever I have, I gained from turning to God. Have I ever felt like giving up? Yes... there have been times when I curled up in a ball, crying, wanting to just die from the pain and disappear forever. But, somewhere deep inside me, I knew that God was there for me. I knew that He loved me. And I knew that, no matter what happened to me, if I followed Him, everything would work out for the best. I look at my life and I believe the greatest blessing God gives me is the lens through which I see life. And I guess that's the answer - by the grace of God. Why me? Why do I understand the gospel and the next guy over struggles to see a purpose in life? I don't know exactly why, but I know that God is in charge. And that He will never give up on us.

I'm dying to know how old you are.
If I told you my age, I might alienate readers for being too old or too young. I usually don't want to know how old people are - it makes it way too easy to pass judgment on them. And sharing my age would take a shot at my anonymity.

Does your family know? If they do, do you talk openly like you do on this blog? If they don’t, is it easier to deal with if no one knows? Do close friends know?
No, my family doesn't know. I wrote a post on that once. And yes, it is much easier to deal with alone (at  least in my case). I can make my own goals, turn to God for my support, and grow in my own way. I'm not sure that my family could understand, and they already love and support me. In the best case scenario, nothing would change. Worst case, someone loses his or her testimony because they don't understand it like I do.

Some of my close friends know, because I've told them. But only because they needed to know that I understood them. It's not a burden I would give to someone else just because I needed a shoulder to cry on. I used to wish that were possible, but now I look to God for all of my support... and He's enough and to spare... and then I find others to lift along the way.


  1. I just want you to know that I really respect you and really appreciate your perspective on this sensitive issue. I have always hoped that there was a way for LDS people with same sex attraction to live within the church and I think that you are doing a great job.

  2. Thanks for the example you are setting. As a (married) mormon man with SSA, I am very appreciated of the work you do through your blog. Thank you!

  3. --Just a thought, but this spurs off of an idea that a good friend talked with me about when we lost our child. I had complained because I didn't want the attention I was getting from our ward family; I wanted to be *alone* to deal with the issues, and work forward in my own way with my husband and with the Lord's help. But then my friend told me how incredibly selfish I was being. She explained that there were things that people in the ward needed to learn from us, from how we were handling things (or not), and how to take that forward to strengthen their own testimony of the Gospel. I have seen in many cases where afflictions, temptations, and trials were not *just* there for those who were being afflicted, but were there also to help the people around them grow. I'm sorry, I know that this will sound incredibly harsh, but I think that you are being incredibly selfish to carry your cross alone. You are denying others the blessings of increasing their faith, understanding, and hope in life by denying them the opportunity to fulfill their baptismal covenants. Not only that, but you are denying them your true self. Being a mother, I can't imagine anything being more painful than to find out that your own child does not trust you/ love you enough to love you as *himself*. You are who Heavenly Father made you. He chose your family for a reason. You were put here, on this earth, in this time, for specific intents and purposes, and I'm sorry, but not all of those were for, or about *you*. How can your Bishop or EQ President support you unless they know your trials? Or your Home Teacher? Or your parents? Or your friends? And honestly, what kind of friend are you that you aren't willing to be your true self around them? Is it really that you don't want to "burden" them, or that you simply don't trust them? --Could it not possibly be that you feel like your feelings, your experiences, and your trials are too *important*, too *singular*, too *special*, to be able to share, to have someone who will really understand you. --I'm sorry, but thoughts like those are the product of the Adversary and his minions, and if that is what you are feeling, then I think you need to review President Uchtdorf's Priesthood talk, because my friend, you are suffering from the sin of pride. I know. I have been there. And honestly, if I can relate your feelings that you have shared about struggling with SSA to losing my son to SIDS, I think you're being pretty short-sighted, fearful, and even lacking in faith to believe that other people won't be able to relate as well. Yes, there will be those who won't understand. There are still people in my ward who won't let me hold their babies, because, somehow I might curse them or something, or they're afraid that they'll make me uncomfortable, or goodness only knows what. But that's then a learning experience for both *them* and *me*. Heavenly Father did not put us here to be individuals to learn by ourselves. Yes, we are to work out our Salvation for ourselves in fear and trembling, but we are also bound to help light the way for others. You have helped bring me light, and I pray that I can do the same for you today. You are here to share your trials, just as others are here to help, teach, comfort, and learn from you... even if they do not fully understand the lesson for many years.

  4. Fay:

    I understand your comment, and thank you for being willing to share.

    I used to be afraid. I used to be totally afraid of telling others about the struggles I face in life, about being real with them, about trusting them to love me even though I had made mistakes in life.

    But I'm not afraid anymore, and I can honestly say that if the Lord encouraged me to tell everyone in the world, I would tell them. But He hasn't. In fact, the message has been the exact opposite - share the gospel as best I can in two separate worlds. And don't mix them. Speaking with Priesthood leaders, they felt prompted to say the same thing - share the message, but keep your anonymity at any cost.

    Why? There are a lot of potential reasons on both sides. And some that are incredibly compelling - like the ones you offered. But I don't need to confess my every weakness to the world so that they can help me; the Church teaches all the necessary principles of love and support for all members. I think it is better to simply assume that everyone around us needs that help, desperately, than to wait for people to share who they are and how they struggle.

    I agree - withholding information from my family and friends because I don't think they are worthy or could stand it is a potentially proud statement. But, ultimately, my life is not my own - as you said. But it also isn't my family's. It is the Lord's and I will follow His guidance. And right now sharing my life with my family and not-close friends is not in His plan. I share my trials with them. I share my successes. I share my faith and my testimony. And, at least right now, it's the right thing to do.

  5. I really appreciate question 3 and the response. I,too, have heaps of struggles, and I, too, always want to give up on God. But some internal thing tells me to keep going. it'll be ok. He's been too good to me thus far to turn my back on Him now... Thank you so much for your perspective!! It really helps me to get thru at least one of my daily struggles! :)

  6. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your blog. It is incredibly uplifting and empowering to read your words with each new post. I have incredible respect for you and I pray that you will continue to be able to help others through your experiences.

  7. Fae, I see your point, as a mother I would be heart broken if I knew my son had a huge trial he was struggling with that I was never able to help and support him. but I also liked your comments mormon guy. and I was reminded of this scripture.
    To every thing there is a a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
    A a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
    A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
    A time to weep, and a time to a laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
    A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
    A time to a get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
    A time to rend, and a time to sew;
    A time to love, and a time to a hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

    I Hope someday you will feel like the time is right to confide in your family. And I'm sure only you and Heavenly father will know when that time is right.

  8. Mormonguy,
    Your struggle is close to home. I have a very good friend who struggles with SSA. He too is searching for meaning and hope as he works to live the gospel. I see in him a very special spirit. He is stronger than me and when I watch him going about his life I think of the promise that the Lord will not tempt us above what we are able (with Him) to withstand. My friend has taught me the reality of this promise and as I weigh my faith against his I find myself lacking. I believe that my friend is a walking testimony and his SSA is giving him the opportunity to become so much stronger and more developed as he learns by putting the gospel first. I recommended your blog. I think you have incredible perspectives on life and ALL of its challenges. Thank you my friend, my brother for letting the world know that you are here, and that you are the Lord's child, that you love Him and obey him. I know that none of us are perfect, but your example makes me inspired to strive harder to perfect myself and to be a tool in the Lord's hands as I see you becoming now.

  9. You are amazing. Keep fighting the good fight brother.

  10. I just want to say again-- THANK YOU for this blog. I love it and I love your perspective. Thank you for your faithfulness and your willingness to share and I wish we were neighbors so we could be friends. Thank you so much!

  11. I am so pleased to find this sight, and your insight along with it.
    It brings me peace in a topic not at peace. Thank you.
    You deserve to find love, your heart is lovely.


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