The Miracle of Forgiveness

Repentance would be so much easier if I were perfect. But I'm not. And this post is for those of you who have felt like me - standing before the throne of God, wanting desperately to return, and having nothing to give Him but my ever present sins and struggles. And feeling like there is no way back.

There have been times in my life when I felt totally unworthy to even speak to God. I've been so blessed in my life - I should know better than to sin. I should know better than to make stupid mistakes. I should be stronger than the things that pull me down. The Lord has given me so many things... and yet the mistakes I make are the same ones - over and over and over again. For whatever reason, I turn against Him. I go against a prompting of the Spirit, knowingly. And then, in my despair, I feel as if I shouldn't even talk with God - that He wouldn't want to hear from me when I've turned so completely away from His presence. I feel the Spirit leaving... and just let the feeling of warmth disappear, then curl up in a ball and cry. The guilt sets in, the pain and depression comes back, and I wonder if I have made any progress at all in my life.

I've learned since that these moments - the moments when I feel furthest from God - are incredibly powerful moments when, if I turn to Him, He is willing to teach me and help me find a way out of the struggle I am facing. Yes, I'll need to repent. Yes, it will take time for me to be worthy of His Spirit again. But it's worth it. And He will always help me feel His love when I am willing to return to Him, confess my sins, and forsake them.

And so I've begun a practice that has helped me in my life - something that makes repentance actually happen, and keeps me closer to God. Whenever I feel like not praying, I pray. Whenever I feel like praying, I pray. And when I find myself feeling the guilt that follows sin, I pray. It's sometimes really hard... because if I've just made a massive mistake I feel worse than the dust of the Earth. And I am. But He still wants to speak with me. He hears my prayers. And, even though I don't merit His blessings, He continues to bless me in every aspect of my life.

It amazes me that God continues to forgive me when I've made so many mistakes in life - when I've had so much knowledge and turned away from the truth. It amazes me when He gives me second, third, fourth, and fifth chances to choose the right, or when He helps me to find a path out of a temptation I shouldn't have been facing in the first place. The only thing I do know is that He loves me. And He always will, no matter what I do. And, because God loves me, He will do anything to help me choose the right, follow the prophet, and return back to the pathway of righteousness. The miracle of forgiveness, in my opinion, is more than just the peace that comes when you are finally at the end of the path. The true miracle comes in the courage, faith, and hope that God gives me as I find the faith to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams and move forward from wherever I am, hour by hour, day by day.