When I was younger, trying to understand my attraction to guys, I wondered if I would ever see a light at the end of the tunnel. The only things I could see were pain, isolation, depression, guilt, and fear. I prayed for help getting out - to speed my inevitably painful journey - and for help in seeing the end from the beginning.
As time went on, instead of only praying to be free, I turned to the Lord for help in overcoming my difficulties in life. I spoke with Him about my hopes and dreams. I pled with Him about my trials. I listened as He taught me sublime truths about eternity. I recognized the sum total of my life's circumstances and asked Him to help me become the person I was meant to be. And, slowly, as I looked at my surroundings in the tunnel of despair, I began to see light. But it wasn't a pinprick of light at the end, promising that deliverance would soon be nigh. It was a softly glowing light all around me - light inside the tunnel. Inside the tunnel? Aren't tunnels always dark? And yet, in my moments of deepest despair, I saw shards of gospel symbolism in my pain. In my moments of greatest temptation, scriptures came to my mind, and the names and faces of people who needed my help... who needed me to be worthy to give a Priesthood blessing. As time continued to go on, the light grew brighter, until it was able to show me the way, warning me of dips and trenches and chasms in the path.
I'm still in that tunnel. Living with my attraction and all its accompanying facets is still hard. It's a struggle that faces me almost every single day... and this tunnel may last for a very long time. But that's ok - because I can see the light. The light of faith, hope, peace, and love is here, inside the tunnel, beside me. And it's proof that the Lord of Hosts truly has descended below all things. In the everyday battle of my life, the Lord is walking, here inside the tunnel, at my side.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Friday, October 1
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I LOVE THIS!
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing post! I did read the fine print at the bottom of the blog :), but just wanted to let you know that I want to post about this post and link back to here this week sometime.
Thanks so much for sharing your talent of writing! It is amazing to read things, so eloquently stated, that perfectly desribe the truth of the application of the Gospel AND feelings I have experienced in my life.
"Here inside the tunnel, at my side". LOVELY!
Amy:
ReplyDeleteAs always, you're welcome to share anything here that inspires you. This post embodies one of my favorite images, too. My God is here beside me... in a tunnel all my own... and together we walk. He tells me about the world, and I tell Him about my dreams and my passions and the things I want to change in the world. He teaches me, one-on-one, and tells me that He loves me. Walking hand in hand with God through a tunnel. Sounds amazing, right? It is.
This post is awesome! I just found your blog today. I would've liked to have some of your insights in my mind as I spoke last week to my incredibly bitter younger brother. He has turned completely away from the gospel (and the light) and says he is athiest now. All the turmoil from recent high-profile suicides and hate crimes against gays plus President Packer's talk in General Conference have made him HATE the church and our family even more. It has been so sad for him and for all of us who love him and wish happiness for him. Let me just tell you that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way you described the light INSIDE the tunnel to surround you through your daily struggles. Please keep writing and keep the faith. Even when you FEEL alone in this world there are people like me who truly love you and love what you're doing to help others (and we have never met personally!).
ReplyDeleteI needed to hear this tonight.
ReplyDeletethank you so much.
I found your blog because of all the posts on fb about President Packer's talk recently. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your struggle and your insights. I think if more members of the Church would be willing to talk about it openly it would help not only those struggling with similar issues, but also those who have no experience with the issues and therefore have a hard time being empathetic. I have found one other blog similar to yours about another mormon guy, older, married with kids. I found that one interesting as well. I think having an outlet it great, but letting people know there's a way out it fantastic. I think most feel it's an impossible trial to conquer. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, I just found it today. Thank you for sharing. Your voice is powerful. Your testimony is strengthening. I love this post especially. There is so much light and so much love, that while we all fuss about this and that we forget what really matters.
ReplyDeleteI too found your blog through a post on FB. Thank your for sharing so openly your insights. I have different struggles in my life but the things you share apply directly to me too. The light in the tunnel, following the prophet, making my life pleasing to Him. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteThis helped me a lot I am a member of the church and I have attractions to guys even though I never acted upon them I prayed everyday for guidance and it never came so I stopped going BUT I see now that I have to help myself as well.
ReplyDeleteAnon:
ReplyDeleteI agree - we can't just expect the Lord to deliver us because we ask; He asks us to press forward and have faith when we can't see the end. This is one of my favorite posts... because as I grow in strength, I can see the wisdom in letting me struggle, sometimes completely alone, so that I am more willing to follow God's commands of my own accord.