Thursday, September 16

Dreams of Eternity

My greatest desire, since I was a little kid, was to grow up to be a dad. My greatest fear is that it won't happen.

Everything in my life has been focused around becoming a dad. I studied everything possible in school so I could teach my future children. I tried to develop traits that I thought would help me be a better father and husband. And when I entered the dating world, I looked for someone who could complement me - someone who would be able to help me raise a righteous family and make a difference in the fabric of history.

As I said, my greatest fear is tied to it - fear that it won't happen in this life. That I won't ever fall in love with a girl. That it won't ever be the right option. That the words promising the opportunity to be a father in my patriarchal blessing, even though they say, "In this life," might be symbolic instead of concrete.

As I've learned about people around the globe, I've come to a realization. Deep inside each of us, we are all the same. It doesn't matter if we call ourselves gay, straight, Mormon, Muslim, American, African, or anything else; many of us have the same wishes, hopes, and dreams. We want to be loved and accepted by people who understand us. We want to have a family and help our children grow and live better lives than we do. We want to make a difference in the world and understand our purpose in life.

The gospel, the Atonement, and our eternal nature tie us together here on Earth. We all want to return to God someday. And He has given us the tools to make it back to Him. It won't be easy. This may be the hardest trial I ever face in all of eternity (knock on wood: sometimes the Lord is really creative...). But it's worth it. And it's possible. And that knowledge turns my fear back into faith: faith that God will answer my prayers. He will bless me. He will give me the strength to do what is right. And He will help me to make my dreams come true. Someday I'll be a dad, and be able to raise my children to love and live the truth. Maybe it will be soon. And maybe it will be in eternity. Either way, I still hope, believe, and dream.


  1. People can get so frustrated and disillusioned when they can't find the "love of their life." My daughter has that problem, She's in her thirties, and no one is in sight. She has been looking for Mr. Right. Mormon, good looking, ect.

    I think being gay or bi can make it more complicated, but don't give up hope. We can be so distracted by our gayness that we don't recognise that the fact that romance "usually" isn't what we expect. Even straight people can feel disillusioned with their relationships after they get past the initial infatuation. If you want to be married with children, then I would encourage you to be patient and be open to friendships, and let things develop naturally. Don't feel pressured or in a hurry. Things won't always go the way you would like but sometimes they will. Try to find joy in the journey.

  2. Thanks, Adon. I feel the same way. Every marriage prep class I've ever taken warns about believing in fairy tale relationships. And while I used to be stressed about the urgency of getting married, now I realize that it's important to be a good man, develop the skills and talents that will help me be a better father and husband, and try to lift the people around me. Inside, I believe that I'll get married here in life. But, if not, then I will have joy in the journey.

  3. I just found your blog and I have to say Thank you so much for actually writing about your perspective.
    I am Mormon and have a strong testimony, but I also have a gay brother who I love more than almost anything in the world and it has been so hard for me to try and make sense of this world lately. I can't stand the attitudes and hatred that is directed towards gays because I know someone who is amazing, who is gay.
    I feel so confused about my views and don't know what my brother is supposed to do (if he were to fight his attraction and stick to the gospel). But no matter what he chooses, I love him and want him to always feel loved no matter what he does. That is the most important thing to me.

    I have just been trying to figure out how all of this will work out in the end and I have to just believe that God will take care of it.
    I admire you for writing about your struggles and for sticking to the gospel while facing such hard things.
    Thank you.

  4. You are so inspiring. My husband and I were married in the temple, and after we were married he told me that he struggles with same gender attraction. It has been a challenge for me to come to terms with things but my heart has been softened and I have learned to love more deeply because of it. He still struggles but I have hope that because we strive to live the gospel the Lord will bless us and our marriage. I think it's beautiful that one of the greatest desires of your heart is to be a dad, and I truly believe that the Lord will grant you that wonderful blessing. It's so refreshing to hear your perspective, when lately all I hear of is people falling away from the church and pursuing another lifestyle. Stick with it-you are inspiring!


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