Sometimes, on my low days, I look at my life, and honestly wonder if it's all worth it. Tons of work, effort, fatigue, stress, and everything that I can put in... and this is all I have to show for it? Really? I'm nowhere near where I need to be, and if I'm moving, it's far more slowly than even I can see.
Not that I really have any other option... I already know that swerving from the strait and narrow would only make the road less pleasant, in the long and short run.
But then, sometimes, the Lord shows me a glimpse of what I'm really working towards. A stranger who passes me and stops because he feels compelled to stop... and asks me if I'm okay. Another one who does the same thing. A third on the same street... each of them visibly overcoming the social awkwardness of asking a stranger who looks okay about his life, each of them proof that God's angels are round about me. A prayer answered so clearly and miraculously that I feel uncomfortable telling the story. A friend who calls and asks for a blessing in the middle of the night, and the incredible feeling of love, peace, and power I experience while giving it. Standing in the temple, knowing that in God's eyes, I'm doing my best... and that's all that matters... and that's enough. Sitting under the stars, and realizing that all the stress of life doesn't really matter... the only thing that matters is living the gospel, and helping others do the same.
It's worth it. Giving one blessing of comfort and healing that changes a life forever is worth a hundred sleepless nights of wondering and a thousand prayers of humility and grief. Feeling God work through me, knowing that He will guide and direct and take care of me, is worth giving up all of my dreams, my hopes, and my shallow goals of brilliance and accomplishment. And feeling peace... the peace I feel right now albeit all of life's storms... is worth anything I can give.
God doesn't ask me just to keep His commandments and make a difference in the world. He doesn't expect 10% of who I am, or devotions on the Sabbath and pieces each day along with professional achievements and secular advancement. He wants me to consecrate everything I am, everything I have, and everything I will ever be to Him... and still accomplish everything He expects. And as I do, He blesses me. He gives me the strength to move forward one day at a time, and, sometimes, I get a glimpse of the promises He's made. Brilliant vistas of Heaven and peace beyond comprehension. In return for everything I can give, He promises me all that He has... far more than I could ever give in return.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Saturday, June 2
Seeing the Divine
Labels:
Acceptance,
Direction,
Happiness,
I'm a Mormon guy,
Love,
Optimism,
patience,
Peace,
Perspective,
Prayer,
Priesthood Leaders,
Repentance,
Temple,
Testimony,
Work
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I am not gay and I do not claim to understand fully what you deal with, but I do know that healing is possible. I am healed of many of my own ailments that have been more than difficult and that at some point in my life I thought would never be healed. I believe that to some degree you must understand your own ailment and if you can see it clearly you can be healed faster. There is a man that has devoted his life helping men heal of sam sex attraction. He himself was gay also. Here is a website for this man. I hope it helps. http://josephnicolosi.com/n
ReplyDeleteI believe that any addiction follows this same path of destructiveness. We all face additions that cause us pain. Good luck with yours. I hope I have not offended you but if I were in your same situation and said what you say, I would want to know all I could no matter where the information came from.
Your writing (and courage) is very inspiring. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteNeeded to read this today. Today you were my angel.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think about when you're in high school part of you feels like it will never end, even though it will.
ReplyDeleteOnce it's over, I remember looking back and thinking - if I could do that over again, it would be cake because now I know what to expect.
I'm sure it will be that way after this life - we'll look back and think - WOW did I make that harder than it needed to be.
Though - some of us definitely have harder paths than others.
Beautiful post.
ReplyDelete(I followed your link from The Weed: Club Unicorn, which I saw on FaceBook)
Okay. That was a really beautiful post. I came over after reading your comment on the Weed blog. Just wanted to point out something very important that my dad taught me one day. There is a BIG difference between acceleration and speed. Going rapidly from 0 to 40 mph feels like something really special...but at the end of it, you're only going 40 mph. On the other hand, when you're cruising along at 35000 feet going 500-600 mph--it may feel like nothing at all.
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