I stand in a crowd of people, and feel alone.
I sit across the table from a "cute" girl who is listening and smiling, and feel alone.
I have conversations with family members and people who call me friend... even those who know my innermost thoughts... and feel alone.
I find myself in the hug of someone who cares, and feel alone.
I read letters and comments about the love and concern and care of others about my life, and feel alone.
I spend hours talking with a colleague about dreams for the future, and feel alone.
I bow for a standing ovation, and feel alone.
I look at the sky, and feel alone.
I live in an omnipresent society, where communication is instant and people never leave your sight. Where finding those with common interests or pursuits is a button away. Where people I've never known watch my steps and pray for me by name, entangled in the chaos and faith that is my life.
And I feel alone.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Sunday, June 17
33 comments:
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Have you ever been in the middle of a great conversation, laughing and connecting, when suddenly something comes over you and asks you what there is to be happy about? It is so easy to listen to that voice, and the very act of stopping to consider that point of view removes your connection to the conversation, your connection to the individuals you were talking to, and your connection to the whole human race. Suddenly, you are alone. Merely considering whether that voice might have a point allows it in and allows it to take over. Simply resuming the conversation then takes a supreme act of will, and does not restore the good feelings. That takes a lot more work, and a long time of refusing to acknowledge the existence of the niggling feeling that they don't really like you/understand you, or at least wouldn't if they really, really knew who you were. It's a lot easier to accept the imperfections in others than yourself.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, you are never alone. You know that. I know you know that. You know who wants you to feel alone. Don't listen. Refuse to listen. It takes a lot of time and work to learn to ignore that voice. It takes a lot of time and work to learn to hear the other voice. I know you've put in that work, you've struggled to be close to the Spirit, and you know it's worth it. Cling to that one and let go of this one.
If I'm totally off-base, feel free to not publish this, but I hope it helps.
My "great conversations" don't usually involve a lot of laughter. Even when I can talk about the depths of my thoughts, there always seems to be part of me that can't connect... so I don't think I hit the emotional high you mentioned before the low. I don't get to the point where I don't feel alone.
DeleteAndrea: Someone just brought up the fact that my comment didn't even acknowledge your empathy in your response. Sorry. Empathy is... a subject that's a bit complicated in my life - both empathizing with others and understanding and appreciating others' empathy. I have had experiences where communicating takes huge amounts of effort, and I've felt that way. That's probably a better response than my first one.
DeleteThis post struck me right in the heart. I know EXACTLY how it feels to be alone even when you're sooooo surrounded by people. My circumstances are different, my feelings come as a result of choices I've made in life - choices I thought were best for me - but my feeling alone is still exactly what you describe.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a hug, and help both of us NOT feel alone, for once.
You remind me of me when I am depressed. Not as, feeling sad, but truly depressed. Sometimes with true reason, sometimes without. I've said this before and I remember still your answer. Pray about it? You are doing everything you should do and there is no reason for you to carry such sadness. The adversary will use that against you. I don't know if you've ever been to the point where you feel like you are in a deep, dark pit with no one to pull you up. I have and three things helped me: medication, therapy, and prayer.
ReplyDeleteLalis -
DeleteI wrote this post without a resolution. I'm realizing that many people take much longer to go through the personal struggle of understanding that I do before and as I write... and I'm trying to open up my feelings half-way.
I do have real depression, and real medication, but therapy hasn't been very useful in this regard. I stopped because I left each session more depressed than when I walked in - regardless of my initial state.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is the only form that's been clinically validated, but even then a lot depends on the individual therapist and how well you click with them.
DeleteYeah. That last part seems to be the issue. I'm going to try again.
DeleteSometimes feeling alone is the perfect time to find ourselves.
ReplyDelete...and the perfect time to find God. Surrounded by people, it might be easy to be distracted... but it's just Him and me. And a life of being alone has had the upside of bringing me closer to Him.
DeleteI feel you there. This is how I feel constantly- I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and this week I'm joining a group therapy session which is supposed to help me learn to trust other people... I'm hopeful that I might find a healthy way to ease the pain I feel, but realistically it seems unlikely that all that loneliness can ever truly escape from the cage of my mind...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous:
DeleteI hope your group therapy helps... and that something does. I know that in my life, the only thing that has had the power to at least help me forget the loneliness has been serving others. I dropped my dreams and hopes and personal quests and restructured who I am to focus on helping others... and that gets me through each day.
Mormon Guy, I think it is great that you have found help through serving others. Matthew 10:39 says "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." Your trials (which I don't mean to minimize) make you reach out in service as a need, not just because it seems like a nice thing to do. In reality it IS a need for all of us, in order to become like Christ. So in that small sense, I almost see it as an advantage over the average person. Service is essential to our individual progression - you understand that on a personal level, apply it seriously to your life, and recognize the blessings of service more readily.
DeleteI was wondering, you describe it as though you -always- feel alone, and serving only "helps you forget." But based on your other posts, I would guess that you do sometimes feel connected to people? Even if it is rare? Maybe it would help to remember those moments - you have felt connected before, so you can have faith and hope in your ability to feel connected in the future. That is something I have tried to do when I feel completely inundated by negative feelings. If you really have NEVER felt connected, or can't remember it, Christ still knows your heart, your mind, and your situation, and I'm sure He still has many tender mercies to bestow upon you, through His Spirit and through the actions of others.
See, your blog is already becoming more interesting to me. I'm sorry you feel so alone. I've been there myself. Happily, I don't feel that way anymore, but I do remember how lonely I felt. Even when I was with people, I just felt alone and misunderstood. I hope you are able to work through it.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It's been a somewhat lifelong struggle... but working through it means getting the strength to move forward.
DeleteNo one is immune from loneliness and/or depression. Even while watching a parade go by - surrounded by hundreds of people - we can feel alone. It's human nature. Learning to deal with it without dumping on, or using others - is key to growth and well being. Learning to be content with ourselves when we're alone in the confines of our homes, rooms or dormatories is healthy.
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered how some people can be so carefree despite their circumstances. Are they stupid? Are they brilliant? Obviously they're not carrying the same baggage that I'm carrying - but they are carrying some sort of baggage... It took me a long time to realize this truth
In my own circumstances - I've learned that whistling or humming a tune helps when I'm feeling blue. It may sound stupid but it helps me. Looking at babies and playing with puppies also lift me when I'm down. We all have our way of dealing. For my father it was work, work, work. I am far from well, but I'm getting better as I mature and I'm thankful for that.
I recently met another soul. Someone with a similar background and with similar experiences. I was able to spend some time with this person and it awakened a part of me that I thought was dead. I am not alone. We are not alone. You are not alone MG.
I appreciate your blog.
Thanks, Cliff. I'm not sure that playing with puppies would do much for me. They're way too oblivious to the world. At least the ones I know are. I'd rather have a stoic dog that just looked me in the face for an hour, then made me get up and run around the town.
DeleteThose are classic symptoms of depression, fyi. I should know.
ReplyDeleteLol. Yes, you should.
DeletePerhaps you feel this way because you aren't sharing your genuine self with people. Maybe it's time to stop working so hard to force yourself to be something/someone you are not.
ReplyDelete"I have conversations with people who know my innermost thoughts... and feel alone."
DeleteMy innermost thoughts include my genuine self - everything I face and think in life.
I don't think I understand what you're saying.
Wow, this post describes exactly how I'm feeling right now in my life as well. I hope you can get through it!
ReplyDeleteChase:
DeleteI'm sorry you feel alone. It's sort of awful, isn't it? And yet liberating in the fact that God is always there. And frustrating when you have trouble believing He can meet your needs (even those for friendship and companionship). And amazing when you realize that He can.
And then awful when you forget (or drop into depression) and start all over again.
You feel alone because you are not engaged in genuine, fully honest relationships with people. Please consider coming out. I think it will free you (and I don't mean coming out and being openly and actively gay...I just mean being honest about who you are). The burden you carry by trying to remain anonymous just grows with every blog post. You cannot expect these hundreds of stranger blog readers with all their words of support be a substitute for human emotional intimacy. We ALL need that in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been reading here long, but I have to agree. When you're holding something this important back, there's no way you can develop the kind of intimacy you need to NOT be lonely. There's always the nagging question in the back of your mind--would they still want to be with me if they knew the real me?
DeleteI don't understand what you're saying. I have people in my life who know that I live with same-sex attraction. Plenty of people I can ask questions, mentors, leaders, family members - people who would drop their lives for me in an instant and who know everything I am going through.
DeleteThe issue is that I feel lonely even when people know me inside and out, love me, and are good at showing it. Part of it has historically been from real depression... but my depression is under control. Either way, it's a totally different problem than not being genuine or honest in the first place.
I think loneliness is the worst -- emotional isolation that isn't fixed by physically hanging out with other people. This isn't particularly helpful, but I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteI've been there. Most of us probably have at some point or another. If I could go back and tell my all alone self something, it would be that it's ok. Loneliness, although terrifying, is not an emergency. Sometimes we are alone. Other times we feel alone although we are not. And that's ok. When we are so caught up on pushing forward, battling our demons, and reaching our goals it's really scary to sit still long enough to realize that we are on our own. For me, that's when the panic set in. When I couldn't stay busy enough to avoid it any more. I wish I would have had the courage to sit. To be still. To wait. To step back and stop thinking. To just be present in that moment. To let the thoughts and despair come and watch them pass away, like clouds drifting by. We have more time than we think we do. Be at peace with where you are in your journey. Alone or not, you are a child of God and your worth is infinite. That will never change.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, loneliness isn't as dangerous anymore in my life. My thoughts of suicide went mostly away with Seminary graduation, and the pain that used to be suffocating is now just a dull throb. Sometimes growing larger and threatening to do something on its own, but I've been there already. And I'm not going back.
DeleteI relate to this. Thank you for writing it. I love all your posts. I am so proud of you. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share with the world. Because you feel alone, and because you wrote about feeling alone, I feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm an LDS woman with a mighty strong sex addiction. The stigma is heavy. My trial isn't just like yours; there are probably more differences than there are similarities. My greatest trial in life is a result of poor choices. Your trial is not. Nonetheless, I feel like you get the weight of the stigma, the feeling of being the only one in the Church, the fear of others finding, the wonder "what would they think if they knew?!" And so I love your blog. Keep it up, please. Thank you, sincerely, for it.
~Erin
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteAny tips for closeted soon-to-be missionaries? Is it bad that no one knows that I have these feelings? I can control them. I have a lot of guy friends and never seem tempted when I'm around them. It's mostly just when I'm alone that my thoughts go crazy.. But should it be important that I tell someone? I love the gospel too much to ever mess up my mission.. I already have my call and stuff and I'm just waiting to go.. But, no one knows that I have these feelings. Is it okay to wait and talk to somebody about it when I get back?
Sinceerely,
A concerned young man.
Anonymous: If you are spiritually clean, then you have no need to worry. If you have unconfessed sins, you should probably talk with your bishop about those. Going on a mission doesn't fix problems, but missionaries don't need to be perfect to go.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, the decision to tell anyone about SSA is your own, and should be based on your own conversation with the Lord. If you want or need help, tell people. If you are good, make your own choice. In my experience, God has always been willing to give me clear and specific feedback on this - so I'd suggest looking to Him for guidance.
There are plenty of faithful, full-time missionaries who live with SSA - they grow into faithful saints. My one concern about coming out after your mission is that the period of 10 years after the mission is the most dangerous for going inactive.